All language subtitles for Coffee.Kareem.2020.720p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-NTG

It's a beautiful afternoon

in Metro Detroit. Wolverine fans--

...both ways on I-696.
There's cong--

...
Five day forecast for Metro Detroit.

Hey, Kareem!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

You like that?

- Stay right there. Right there.
- Yeah!

A bit to the side.

- Wait.
- What?

Did you hear that?

-What?
-Kareem's not home, right?

Oh God, are you serious?

Kareem. I thought I saw Kareem.

Okay, please stop saying my son’s name
while you’re inside of me, okay?

That can mess a kid up! See his mom
busting down Thotiana with some guy?

Stop watching BET.

He’s in school. Why are you
always acting so weird about him?

Oh, I'm weird?

Yes.

First day I met him, he stares me down
like it was day one in the prison yard.

He has a lot to figure out.
He’s 12!

He's just shy, okay?

Well, shy... is not the word
I would choose.

Look,
Kareem and I come as a package.

I need to know
that you are serious about this. About us.

I'm too old to be messing around.

Nessa, come here.

Listen, I know you're old.

That is not the response
I was looking for.

Came out wrong.

-God.
-I am serious about this.

You're the most incredible woman
I've ever met.

I feel lucky you wanna be with me.

Yeah.

And I'm going to make more of an effort
to get to know Kareem.

Okay?

Okay.

Now, ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you
to step away from your clothes

and put your hands on your boyfriend.

Come on, please.

Oh God, you are such a baby.

Yeah, a baby with a man's penis.

Oh, come on! You ruined the mood again.

-Did I?
-Yeah.

You know, I did.

I'm the worst!

A cop? Is she serious?

Really? Like fucking-fucking?

I walked upstairs to get my iPad
and there they were. Old people sex.

Did you do anything?

I would’ve beat his ass, but...
I don't want to see my mom naked.

He was making all these
white dude noises, like...

If she’s gonna date a white guy,
she could at least get one with money.

-Exactly!
-And not to mention, associating with cops

is pretty much the only thing
that could ruin your rap career.

Well, that's not going to happen.
'Cause Imma put an end to that shit.

You fuck my mom, I’m gonna fuck your life!

What are you going to do?

I paid that tenth grader
who just got out of juvie $20

to give me the whereabouts
of one Orlando Johnson.

Orlando Johnson is gangster as fuck!

Yeah, since those Yeezy 350s winded up
being all tanned and meshy and shit,

I can afford to get that cop
the ass-whooping he deserves.

Trust me,

fucking pig stuck his dick
in the wrong blanket.

Mr. Manning,

- what're you doing in there?
- I'm takin' a shit!

And I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for you
to talk to me while I’m taking a shit!

Your teacher wants you back in class.

Well, I guess I'll just have to let
the social worker know

that you've been looking at my dick
through the crack in the stall.

We're not doing this again, are we?

Shit!

Guess what, Gary?
I got pictures of your feet in my area!

You can't prove those are my feet, okay?
A lot of people wear Crocs in the spring.

Only perverts wear Crocs, Gary.

So now, you're gonna tell Ms. Chu

that I’m working with nine inches soft
and feel free to improvise. I trust you.

Right.

Ms. Chu,

Kareem would like you to understand
that his flaccid penis is nine inches--

Thank you, Gary,
I heard everything that was said.

-Oh, shit.
-Kareem,

if you don't come out
and do your presentation,

I am going to give you a zero
and call your mother.

Snitches end up in ditches, Gary.

Rat bitch.

All right, guys. Hey, let's keep
this quiet. Don't shoot anybody.

We don't want this shit on YouTube.
Again.

Police! Get down!

Shit!

-Put your fucking hands in the air!
-Get down!

- Fire in the hole!
- Get down!

Get down on the fucking ground!
Everybody, down.

Get the fuck down!
Do not shoot them!

Who got these
feign-ass fucking Wet Wipes?

Miss that bullshit, man.

Don't come at me with two-ply!

Fucking two-ply, man.

I’m coming out the bathroom,
I got a hand full of shi--

-Fuck!
-Don't shoot!

Man, get off me!

Orlando Johnson has escaped.

Taken under arrest just yesterday

-in a daring dawn drug bust.
- I'm a world star!

Great form, Carl.

A once-promising Detroit hip-hop artist
was the latest casualty

in the police department's war
on Detroit's narcotics trade.

-Ow, man!
- Sorry.

Police were able to seize
and incinerate close to one ton of cocaine

that was headed for Detroit streets.

I'm a proud member of Detroit City Metro
today, protecting our kids

Protecting the tiny nostrils of Detroit.

Johnson has now made headlines again

as he managed to escape police custody
yesterday while being transported.

Woah! Shit!

APBs have been put out,
and Johnson is now the subject

of intense city and state-wide manhunts.

Wait! Woah! Damn it! No!

Video released
has now gone viral on social media,

with citizens calling into question

the competence
of Detroit's Metro Police Department.

I'd like to remind the citizens

of social media
that we will leave no stone unturned.

Orlando Johnson, you will face justice.
Guaranteed.

Stop it.

Wow. You don't think that the "guaranteed"
was too much?

-No way. Not at all.
-Fuck the trolls.

Yeah.

"She threatened to forcibly insert
my castrated genitals into my rectum

and then put those same genitals
in my mouth."

I'm just trying to make it sound a little
more formal in the official complaint.

Officer Watts also called me
a bitch several times--

-You can quote me on that, too.
-What the hell is she doing here?

I thought we could settle this thing
like police officers.

Okay, I did lose my temper
and say some things that were harsh,

just based on the sole fact
that he is a bitch.

The suspect was not handcuffed properly.

I don't know if Choi messed up--

Way to take responsibility for your
fuck up. I mean why stop at blaming Choi?

Why not blame the academy
for apparently failing to teach you

how to draw your fucking weapon?

Or we could blame your PTSD
as a result of your ex-wife leaving you

to go blow half the Lions practice squad.

That should give you a sense of the abuse
that I detailed in the report.

Okay, Watts, tone it down.

-Is your white knight saving you again?
-He's not my white knight.

So he's your black knight?

Is that a fucking Martin Lawrence joke?
This racism? Today? Wow.

I am not racist. My girlfriend is black.
I find that offensive.

-Oh my God.
-Shut up. Both of you!

Watts, apologize to Coffee.

I'm sorry for verbally abusing you...

-Was that so hard?
-...for fucking up the case

and letting a dangerous criminal
roam free.

And here we go.

I'm sorry I tried to throw you a bone
by letting you transport the perp.

It'd be like if when they captured Saddam,
they were like, "Who should drive?"

Disabled chocolate lab,
"Can you drive, sir?"

Just kind of...

I’m sorry that your vagina is so small.

First of all, that’s a compliment.
Second, are you saying virg-ina?

No. Vagin... Vergina.

-[Linda[ Huh, what's that?
-Vagina. Ver... Vajina.

Well, I am sorry that honest,
hard-working officers are put in danger

every fucking time you don that badge!

That’s what I’m fucking sorry for.

- Bye, Cap
- James.

It was her collar
and he did escape on your watch.

She doesn't have to be such an asshole
about it.

She's an asshole
because she's one hell of a cop.

You, on the other hand,
will be reassigned to traffic.

Somebody get this man
a pair of white gloves and a whistle.

Oh, your ex says hi.

Go Lions!

Kareem specifically asked
that James pick him up from school.

Shit, he must've figured out
you two were dating.

-I guess.
-But that could be a good sign, right?

Kareem wants to hang out with him.

It could be, but... it's not the coolest
that your mom is dating a cop

-or a white guy.
-Especially one with no money.

Look, I'll take a dependable, honest man
over a jerk with money

any day of the week, okay?
He's a great guy.

Then ask him to pick up Kareem.

It’s like a fucking pollen blizzard
out here.

Hey! What's up?
I was just thinking about you.

- Hey! Are you busy this afternoon?
- I think I'm pretty open.

Did you want to...
grind the old coffee beans?

I got some exciting news.
Kareem needs to go by a friend's house

to pick something up after school.
I told him I couldn't do it

because of work and he specifically asked
that you pick him up. Isn't that great?

Hello?

Hello. Hi! Sorry, I think the phone
cut out for a second. That's awesome.

I just think I might be busier
than I thought.

Gotta check with the captain.

-I might have some paperwork
-If you don't want to do it, just say so.

No, I want to do it. I'm sorry.
It's just been a really weird day.

This other officer at work
called me a racist.

-What?
-I know, I was like,

"My girlfriend is black."

-Oh, no. You didn't say that, did you?
-No. Of course not.

Maybe. I did. I said it. I...

I said that.

Sorry. You know what?
I would love to pick up Kareem at school.

I really do want to
get to know him better.

Really? You don't have
too much paperwork, do you?

Hang on a second.

What was that? No paperwork?

Hey, all right. Cool.
No, I'm free.

Just text me where and when,
and I will be there.

Thank you so much, James.
This means a lot to me.

Yeah, it means a lot to me, too. Bye.

Fuck.

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

These are the words we know.

We have to save our planet
so we can live and grow.

We might be only children,
but we have to try, you'll see.

We will save our planet
and it starts with you and me.

Kareem. Did you have any feedback
on Rachel's poem?

I thought it was satisfactory.
Can I go to the bathroom?

You've already been four times today.

I would rather not explain the condition
behind my excessive bathroom use

in front of the class.
Now, the school day is almost over--

If you do not present your poem,
you will be repeating the 5th grade.

Ooh!

Oh, y'all "ooh-ing"? Okay.

Fine.

I'll drop a couple bars for you.

You guys are lucky you're getting
this for free. Soon...

it's only going to be available on Tidal.

And I'm kind of glad somebody's
hearing it though,

because in 2017 when I was recording this,

man, times was hard.
Trying to get some change, getting s--

Get on with it!

-You ready, Dominic?
-Damn straight.

Kareem!

Thank you, Kareem, for showing everyone
how to earn detention.

"If the child acts out,
do not engage in petty squabbling.

They might see you as a threat
to their relationship with their parent."

Yeah, no shit.

Abort.

Abort the mission.

Sorry, Kareem.
"Dear Vanessa,

super sorry, but duty calls.
There is a serial arsonist on the loose."

-Gotta go handle some pig-shit. Yeah.
-Good luck with that shit, man.

Plan's in motion.

"Maybe we can do laser tag next week?

Or in the next few months?"

Hey, come on, man. Let me in.

Shit.

Hey, buddy. Why don't you sit up front?
Back's for bad guys.

Fine!

I'll get in, but I ain't saying shit
without my lawyer present.

Someone call Johnnie Cochran!
Free Kareem! Free Kareem!

Uh, hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but...

Johnnie Cochran actually passed away
a few years ago.

-Just drive.
-Okay.

So I was pretty excited

when I heard
you wanted me to pick you up today.

Give us boys a chance to hang,
get to know each other a little bit.

So rap at me, bud.
What's life like for a teen these days?

How about I go first?

I am an officer of the law.

Duh.

Uh, I'm divorced. It happens.
It was the right decision in my case.

I guess I'm kind of like bruised fruit.

I got a little blemish,
but I'm still delicious.

What?

Is that for your contacts, or...

Can we maybe chill out with the phone?

Thank you.

- How much do you make a year?
- What?

I thought you wanted
to get to know each other.

Right. Well, you’ve gotta look
at the total package.

There’s more to being a cop
than the money, you know.

You help people to build the community.

We actually get to play with some
pretty cool toys, too. Check this out.

You ever see how far down
you can get that in your throat?

No, because that's not what it's for.

Or because it tastes like the ass
of an innocent black man.

Uh, you know what?

I've got a pretty sweet taser.

This thing can knock out a perp
for up to three hours.

-They don't let you have a real gun?
-Of course they let me have a real gun.

-Prove it.
-I'm not going to get it out

just to show you.

Man, I saw this dope-ass Nic Cage movie,
where he was a cop

and he threatens these hookers
with his gun for free BJs and shit.

You are of course referring to
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

Well, that's not real life.

Interesting neighborhood.

Very down-to-earth.
You're sure your friend lives around here?

What's wrong? You can't find a Starbucks?

-You live in the village.
-Yeah, you been there lately?

M-m.

It's right here.

Hey, hold on a second.

I just want to say,
I know how weird this is, you know?

My dad wasn't around either

and when my mom dated guys,
I saw it as a threat.

But, there was one guy
that I just decided,

"Hey, I'm gonna give this guy a chance."
And I did, and we became...

BFFs.

-Best friends forever?
-Best friends forever.

-And guess who he is now.
-Who?

My stepdad.

Yeah, so the moral of the story is

that sometimes a stepdad
is a step in the right direction.

You were BFFs with a grown-ass man?

That's so sick. And f... there's literally
documentaries on Netflix

about why that's so sick
and fucked up.

-I think that's a different--
-You expect us to be BF--

Fuck outta my face, man.

If you don’t
get the fuck out of here with that shit...

Uh, good talk.

I'm just going to wait here.

You wait.

Welcome back to my channel.
Killer Kareem here.

Remember when I told you about
that white cop who was humping my mom?

Well, now you see what happens
when you fuck with me.

Oh, and feel free to hit the like button
and subscribe.

What? You didn’t tell your wife?
You ain't write about it in your diary?

I don't keep a diary!
And my fucking wife hates me!

They saying that you been talking
about the deal,

bragging to your cop friends and shit.

-What?
-Bragging, motherfucker.

Telling all your cop friends
that you was gonna buy

-a Kia Soul with the money and shit?
-What?

Turn your head the other way, man!

I don’t like looking
at your ear stump, dog!

God damn it.
why’d you have to cut his ear off?

See, I can’t tell if he can’t hear me
or if he just questioning my accusation.

If I cut his tongue out,
he wouldn’t been able to speak.

And why are those the only two options, D?

You cut a motherfucker’s ear off,

show it to him,
he’s scared as a motherfucker.

It’s on the part of your head
you can’t see. Look.

Those can't be the only two options.
You can't cut--

Yo.

Whose kid is this?

Uh, D, is this one of your kids?

Nah. My kid chubby like that,
but he got that alopecia.

He got hair,
my kid balder than a motherfucker.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

You, me?

Yeah. An associate of mine
at Dickerson Middle School,

he gave me the addy
and he told me to aks for Rodney?

- Oh.
- Mm.

I can come back another time.
It's cool, you know.

What the fuck, Rodney?

Yeah. Nah, I thought it’d be cool to,
like, get some younger recruitments,

have someone under me.
Like little child soldiers.

You brainwash ‘em
and they do whatever the fuck you want.

-Here’s the thing...
-Yeah.

This is a hideout. If you tell people
it’s a hideout, guess what?

Ain’t a hideout.

And where the fuck is the dog at?
The dog is supposed to be the lookout!

Orlando, I need your help, man.
I got a mess that needs cleaning.

Hold on. You need to get out of here
and forget you ever saw any of this shit.

-Word.
-I was hoping I didn’t have to

spell it out for you, but since it seems
like you’re cool with fucking up cops,

I’d like to add one to the list!

Oh, man,
I would do anything to meet John Oates.

What did this guy do to you?

Let's just say he likes to put his dick
where it doesn't belong.

He raped you?

Y-- He tried to, but I ain’t let him
because I ain’t no bitch.

-Good for you.
-My man.

Look, man, I got money.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, shit! It’s just money in here, man.
Nothing else.

-Move slow. Move slow.
-Okay.

Quicker than that, though.

Money, it's money in here.

-In a sock?
-I just want y'all to send him a message.

You don’t have to kill him, just...

paralyze him from the waist down
so his dick won’t work.

Going great. We're having a great time.

Winky face.

Please!
Just tell them you killed me!

And you’ll never see me again!
I’ll disappear! I’ll move to Delaware!

- He's gonna go to Delaware!
- Delaware, oh my God.

Who the fuck
goes to Delaware, dog?

You don’t know, man!
Our boss is a fucking monster, man!

As soon as this deal’s done,
you’ll be cut out, too!

You’ll see tomorrow!
You’re as good as fucking dead, man!

- This guy's good.
- You’re fucking dead!

- Aww!
- You're fucking dead!

- Fuck!
- Oh shit!

- Oh, shit.
- God damn!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jesus! Kareem!

Why the fuck would you do that?

His screaming and shit, man. It keeps
fucking with my equilibrium and shit.

Your equilibrium?
Nigga, you in a fucking chair.

Shots fired. I need backup immediately.

God!

What's your 20, Officer?

Imma have to see y'all later.

- Woah.
- Yeah, Imma go.

Hey, come on, man.

You don’t gotta do all that.
It's cool, man. Imma bounce.

Hey, is that the dog?

Rosco! Is that you?
Bark twice if you're all right!

Hey, everybody shut up.

Hey, who's back there?

We can hear you,
you're not being stealthy.

Orlando...

You better come out
from behind there.

Oh, shit.

Show yourself
or Imma paint the walls

with this kid's brains!

Come on, man!

What's your 20, Officer?

Oh, my fucking God.

You got this.

You better come out!
Don't make me kill no child.

It's the police!

-The kid's with me.
-I'm not with him. I hate cops.

Hate 'em all. All them pigs.

Orlando Johnson!
You're an escaped felon.

You're under arrest.
Put your weapons on the ground now!

I'm not screwing around, man!

That's the guy I was talking about,
that's him.

That's the dude that tried to rape you?

-What?
-He said that you tried to rape him,

and he was gonna pay us
in loose change to have you paralyzed.

I did not ra-- sexually assault him.

I am dating his mother.

And you thought
that you could come up in my house

and hit that shit without my permission?
Hell no!

I knew you were there.

Shut the fuck up.
You need to come from behind there.

Officer Coffee,
please confirm your location.

-Oh sh-- Coffee?
-Fuck!

Run, motherfucker! Run!

- Run!
- Move!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, shit!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, come on!

Fuck! Shit!

Shots fired!

Goddamn it!

Go!

Oh, shit!

Over there!

Kareem, keep running! Go!

Get away from me!
They’re shooting at you, not me!

They're shooting at both of us
because of you.

Then shoot back, motherfucker!
Fuck you!

-Goddamn it.
-Kareem screams.

Come on!

- Go!
- Go! Just keep running!

Get that chunky little motherfucker.

Go, just go!

Shit!

- Where they at?
- Get 'em!

My first heart attack. We never had
to run this long in gym class.

Come on!

Get in. Go!

Come on, go.

Goddamnit.

-Fuck!
-No, what the fuck!

I shouldn't've parked here.

Fucking Detroit.
I just went to get a fucking muffin, man!

- Shush.
- Come on.

Quiet.

Okay.

-Okay, we're good.
-Oh my God.

- It's Killer Kareem here, and...
- Fuck.

You’re fucking dead!

Shit.

Yo. We got a problem.

Yeah, Coffee just made us.

I know.

This is Officer Coffee
calling for Detective Watts.

Back up, yo.
Your dick is rubbing against my ass.

Well then, turn towards me.

I don't wanna rub dicks, either.

That's what you're concerned about?

We just saw a cop get murdered.

Man, that cop was dirty.

Wait.

-No. Get off the phone.
-What are you... stop!

Detective Watts,
Coffee's on the phone for you.

All right, I'm gonna take it.

Come on. Don't laugh!
If you laugh, I'll laugh.

-Damn it! Gimme that.
-No.

Coffee,
how's traffic treating you? Let me guess,

you just caused a ten-car pile-up.

-What-- Gimme.
-Get off the phone!

Listen, you dumb fuck!

Hello?

Watts, if you can hear me, I found
Orlando. His crew killed Officer Choi.

What? We have an officer down!
Where are you?

Get your hands away from my dick!

Give it to me!

Could you trace the fucking call now?

Trace?

That's not how we actually do...
You know what?

Body-cam GPS has him going west on Grand.

This is a prank call.
Can I speak to Officer Mike Hunt? Mike!

Hello, Coffee? Shit!

What the hell is going on out here?

We have an officer down!

-Help! Get me outta here!
-Stop!

-Stop banging.
-Then listen to me.

Fine. What?

That cop who was killed
was working with Orlando.

Choi?

No. No way.

I know it's hard to believe,
but most cops are good people.

Spoken like a true white man.

You need to ditch this phone
and drop me the hell off.

Shit!

What?

I dropped my phone
when we were being chased.

-So we'll get you another one.
-A new phone with my face on it?

And a video of a cop being executed?

Shit.

They'll find out where I live.
My mom's in trouble.

You gonna take that chance?

-You need to wise the fuck up, limp dick.
-Shit, we gotta get your mom.

- Help! Get me outta here!
- Help!

Help!

- Shit!
- Move your ass!

Come on.

What the fuck is this?

Uh, sir, this is a police emergency,

I'm going to need to commandeer
your vehicle, I think.

Commandeer?
Man, give us the keys to your car!

Imma call the cops,
that's what I'm gonna do.

Great idea! Call the cops!
And poof! Magic, I’m here!

-Badge! Come on, man.
-Dude, you can buy that anywhere.

-Looks like a costume.
-I am an officer of the law!

Really? You're reaching for your gun
on an unarmed black man.

No, that’s not what I’m doing.

Yes, you are. You still are.

Yes, but it’s not racial thing.

I’m just trying to steal your car.
I'd do this if you were white.

-Shoot this motherfucker, that's my moms!
-Okay.

-I was trying to help you!
-Do it. Shoot him in the neck.

Okay, you’re a black man, I’m a white cop,
I know this feels racial,

but it’s not about either one of us.

It’s about his mom, who is in trouble

and we need to help her,
and guess what...

black.

She’s a black-- Shut up.

- Why? What?
- Look,

if you Buffalo Bill this kid
and people find out that I let you go,

-I’m gonna look like a total asshole!
-Sir, give me the keys...

- now!
- Now, motherfucker!

Give me this shit, man. You know
those motherfuckers can track us.

Shit, my body cam. That's a good idea.

You just gonna take everything?
I'm wearing a V-neck sweater

in this neighborhood.
Thank you very much.

Bye. It's been a pleasure.

How do I get my car back?

Keep going,
they should be right up here.

I was thinking
I can take this one.

I never killed no one before,
but I bet it makes you feel like a boss.

I smashed a grapefruit with a hammer once.
That shit was exhilarating.

-Will you shut the fuck up?
-I've been practicing my lines

-when I’m about to kill somebody...
-Who's that?

When you get to hell,
tell Satan, "What’s up, bitch?"

Stop the car, man. Hey!
I need your help.

I ain’t got the time for that, man!

Have you seen a skinny white cop
and a not-so-skinny black kid?

They stole my car
and went that way!

[Orlando} Bust a U-turn. Go!

When you see Satan,
tell him I’m on my way, bitch!

Wait!

- Go.
- Come on. Let's go!

We gotta get your mom
out of the house as quickly as possible,

so just play nice.

Trust me.

I deal with shit like this all the time.

You probably run away
from shit like this, too.

Well, running’s clearly
a foreign concept to you.

-Fuck you.
-No, fuck you.

-Fuck you!
-Fuck you!

-Fuck you!
-Fuck you!

-Hey, Vanessa!
-Hey, Mom.

Hello.

Sorry, I forgot my keys.

Oh, that's okay, baby. Come in.

Hey, friend.
Why don't you join us for dinner?

Hey, sure.

What the hell took you so long?

Why don't we head on inside?

Hi, sweetheart, how was school?
I got a call from Ms. Chu.

-You didn't get in trouble again, did you?
-Nope, school was great.

Not as great as the ride home.
Coffee took me on a routine traffic stop

and let me turn on the police siren.

Is everything okay?

Vanessa, would you mind taking a seat?
There’s something we should talk about.

What happened?

Just this little mishap.
Kind of hilarious, actually.

-Yeah, this--
-I think we need to remain calm.

- What is this?
- Huh?

What is this?

- It's a typo.
- Okay, what part is the typo?

-Your name?
-Yeah, they can make mistakes.

My son's whole name is right here.
That's a typo?

You don't believe those Amber Alerts,
do you?

- The amber alert is a typo?
- Yeah.

Ass.

Officer James Coffee is now a suspect
himself in a reported kidnapping.

12-year-old Kareem Manning was abducted
from his school earlier this afternoon.

The latest victim of what is being called
a dangerous psychotic break...

Okay, no, you need to start talking
right the fuck now.

All right, this all started when your son
tried to have me killed

because he saw us having sex this morning.

-What?
-And I'm pretty sure

he had sexual feelings for me, too.

-Shut up, you little shit!
-Hey!

Mom, we need to ditch this fool
and get the hell out of here!

I suggest a quick carb-load.
We don’t know when we’ll eat again!

We do need to get out of here,
all three of us! It’s not safe here.

Okay! I don’t know what the fuck
is going on, but I’m calling the police.

-That's not a good idea.
-Kareem,

get your ass over here
right fucking now.

-Hello, 911?
-Coffee!

Great, I'm on hold.

Shit. Oh, fuck.

Nessa, put the phone down!

Don't call me that!

Mom, we gotta go!

You are grounded
for the rest of your natural black life!

Oh, why did I date a white guy?

My friend Sharon was right.
All of you are fucked up!

Put the phone down.

-Serial killers, shoot us
-We have to go!

with your goat yogurt, frisbee golf,
and picking fruit for fun!

Whoa, what the fuck?

Alright. In and out, folks. In and out.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why would you ring the doorbell like
we're delivering Amazon packages?

You know what we're coming to do, man.

What if they think Girl Scout Cookies?

No fingerprints, man.

-Thank you, don't touch shit.
-You're ringing the damn doorbell again?

You told me to take it off!
Do you want me to ring it or not?

You ring it like it's Halloween
looking like Ja Rule,

“Where would I be without"
looking-ass motherfucker.

Why you all picking on me?
My mental health is low!

-Settle down.
-How we get in?

I know how the fuck
we're gonna get inside. Move!

Oh!
That's louder than the doorbell.

Hands below the knee, Coffee! Go!

Jesus.

What were you thinking
back there?

You can't reason with a mad black woman.

There’s like six Tyler Perry movies
about that.

But you don’t tase your mom.
There’s a line, and that’s so far past it.

We gotta get out of here. Go!

Hey, I'm gonna check the back.

- Anything?
- Nothing.

Fuck!

Yo.

It’s me. Nah, they’re not here.
Well, they were here, but now they--

Okay, look-- Fine!
We’ll meet you at the spot.

Goddammit!

Hey, let me ask you a question.
Why are you eating?

I said don’t touch shit,
and now you’re touching shit!

-Is that cornbread?
-Yeah, it's warm, too.

Put it down, we gotta go.

He got his fingerprints
all over the plate.

That’s a good point.
Let’s take the plate and the fork.

Come on, man, I’ve been craving carbs.
My girl got me on this Keto bullshit.

J-dog! You want the usual room?

Shut your face.
I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh, I think you must have me confused
with somebody else.

Unless... Yes, I have been here before.

I was undercover with a female cop,
who was undercover as a nurse.

Eh, no one’s judging.

I'm a little short. What's in the sock?

So we'll just take a room,
whatever this gets us.

Also, your utmost discretion.

It's a police matter.

Sure.

Police matter.

Look, we're not up to
anything sketchy here, okay?

I hope you crack your case.

Get your mom out of the trunk.

What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing?

I was covering our tracks.

Making it sound like people are fucking.

That is what people do here, right?

It's the safest place I could think of.

At least in terms of laying low,
not in terms of hepatitis.

And Officer James Coffee’s
night of mayhem continues...

...as he is now suspected in the gruesome
murder of a fellow police officer...

I didn't kill Choi!

Police have refused to comment
on the matter.

They have set up checkpoints throughout
the city and on all major bridges--

-That's just fucking great, isn't it?
-Fuck!

Somebody's feeding the media
lies about me.

Somebody? Let's say it together,
dirty motherfucking cops.

Stay here, watch your mom. I'm going to go
find Captain Hill and get this sorted out.

- What if Hill is dirty, too?
- Hill is not a bad guy.

He has two foster children.
One of them's from Uganda.

What if he doesn't trust you?

You need to stop being a pussy,

so we can find out
who's dirty and take them out.

Remember last time

you tried to take someone out?
We wound up in a seedy motel room

that your mom and I happen to visit
twice a week during her lunch break...

to get away from her very
high maintenance son.

-Oh, you trying to be funny.
-Can we just call a truce?

And then as soon as we're through all this
we can go back to hating each other.

Fine.

- On two conditions.
- Great, conditions. Let's hear 'em.

First, if we survive, I want you
to stay the fuck away from my mom.

And second, I want you
to take me to a strip club.

All right. I will take you to the nastiest
strip club in all of Detroit.

I actually know one with a good buffet.
And if we survive,

we’ll talk about your mom.

-No deal.
-I'm not going to say that about your mom.

Okay? She's amazing
and I care about her too much.

Guess we're just going to sit here,
right?

I really care about her.

How's this for a plan?

I tell the media that you was grooming
me to be your child-wife.

Made me wear dresses
and read Bible verses to me,

and force-fed me muscle relaxers
to loosen up my asshole.

It's messed up that you're threatening me
with that,

but it’s also messed up that you even
thought of it in the first place.

Two "messed-ups," motherfucker.
What you gonna do?

-Fine, I will stay away from your mom.
-Thank you.

Now, we need to find out
where the hell my phone is.

Forget about Captain Hill,
or whoever that is.

What are you doing?

Yo, Dom, it's me.

Shit did not go as planned.

Yeah, he's right here.

You know the way cops look at you?
Yeah, that's what he's doing.

-The phone!
-I need you to do me a favor

and sign in to Find My Phone for me.

Oh, yeah. The username is
Tossedsaladsbrokenhearts23.

There was already 22 people
with that username?

-Where are we going?
-I'll tell you on the way.

God, your mom's going to kill me.

Don't worry, I left her a note explaining
the entire situation in detail.

@BrettHarris writes,
“Went to high school with Coffee.

Def enjoys f-ing kids.
Thoughts and prayers.”

Those are just a few of these
troubling testimonials

found on social media.

It’s no surprise, police are now offering
a $10,000 reward--

Hey, 9-1-1?

Yeah, I'll hold.

This is where Dom said it was.

We're gonna get that phone.

Orlando's definitely in there.
I recognized one of his guys.

I'm more worried about what happens
when we get 'em.

He ain’t no bitch like you.
I mean, he’s not gonna just roll over

and snitch out the dirty cops
he’s working with.

I'll get Orlando to talk.
For now, let's focus on apprehending him.

"Apprehending."

You know what?
I know why you became a cop.

Yeah, to help people.

Nah.

It's because you got picked on
when you were a kid.

That may have been part of it.

You know what the problem is?

Let’s see, I’m a pussy?

Or a giant pussy?

Or maybe, like a little, tiny pussy?

I feel like you’re gonna say
something kinda pussy-related.

You don't know how to talk shit.

-Is that right?
-I got 42% body fat.

You know why I don't get picked on?

Kids try to fuck with me, but I fuck back.

It’s easy! There are really only
two things you need to know.

You need to be aggressive and gay.

Real gay.

In a diamond,
"I don’t give a fuck," kind of way.

So that’s offensive and totally backwards.

Look...

Suck my dick!

Come on, Coffee.

Do it! Before I smack you
upside the head with it.

Fucking suck my dick right now,
or I’m gonna fuck you inside out!

Okay, Jesus, calm down.

I get it.

I mean, look at Mike Tyson.
He’s the OG of the shit.

I mean, sure he could fuck people up,
but when he starts talking about,

“I’m gonna eat your asshole out alive!

And I’m gonna fuck you until you love me!”

That shit is terrifying.

I will try and be more gay.

Good tip.

All right, I'm going in.

You're not going anywhere without me.

Yes, I am. You are going to stay here.
I can handle this.

Only thing you can handle
is my dick in your ass.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a dick and an ass.

You're a dass.

Who the fuck are you?

Shit.

Drop that pistol and kick it over here.
Now!

Listen, can we just negotiate?

I don’t have any cash,
but I can give you my ATM card.

And the code? One, one, one...

one.

Yo!

Blade! When'd you get out, man?

What happened?
Must’ve ran out of O-positive for you?

If you’re feeling malnourished,
you can suck on these nuts, son!

-The hell are you doing in here?
-Feel free to thank me

for saving your sorry-ass life.

-It's too dangerous in here.
-I'm the best chance you got.

Let me talk shit and distract them.

No. You're going back to the car.
That is non-negotiable.

Shit.

Okay. Grab a leg.

He really does look like
Wesley Snipes.

-Come on.
-Wait.

-What?
-I don't get a gun?

No!

You can use this.

What the fuck is this? Your fleshlight?

No, it's mace.

Police issue. It's very intense stuff,
it can stop a bear.

Evidently they've tested it on bears,
which I don't agree with.

Give me the motherfucking gun.

What the fuck you say?

I said, I ain’t giving you the courtesy
of spitting on it, either.

You taking that dick dry--

Dang.

Get him. Knock him out!

Quit playing grab-ass
with this motherfucker and put him out.

Call me lover boy!

Muah!

Nah, uh-uh. Not feeling that.

Shit.

Go.

What's the matter? What are you doing?

I really gotta shit.

-Now?
-Just give me a second, man.

That carb-load was a bad fucking idea.

All right.

-All right. We're good.
-We're good. Let's go.

What?
Are you fucking kidding me?

-I'm buying today, okay?
-It's my lucky day.

Fucking cut this shit myself.

Hey, D, put Rodney on the phone.

Kareem!

- Fuck.
- We gotta do something, man.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ,
what's next? We gonna unionize?

I can't take breaks all goddamn day.
Can I? No.

-I'll do this shit my fucking self.
-You got this.

What the fuck?

Come here, bitch.

This ass-whooping!

I had just bought my condo.
So I think I might have bed bugs.

Do you know what that does
to resale value?

Yes, this is awesome!
This is always how the porn starts.

Shit, and I don't even have my phone.

- Does it look like a bite to you?
- Yes, totally a bite.

-Want some more?
-Take that.

Oh, fuck, man.

-Yeah, take some of that!
-Quit fucking up my supply. Fuck!

Stop throwing cocaine!

Orlando Johnson,
you have the right to remain silent.

- My eyes!
- You fucking pussy!

I usually have a very clean
fucking drug lab and you fucked it up!

Come on, motherfucker.

Working with dirty cops, huh?
How's that going to look in prison?

-You fucking maced me!
-You better hope you get--

Freeze!

Oh, shit!

You fucking kidding me?

That’s fucking adorable. What is this?
You don’t even know how to use that, kid.

Well, I bet if I pulled this trigger,
someone would get pretty fucked up.

Nice work.

I got it. You okay?

Okay. Good job.

Who the fuck gives a kid a gun?
He’s like ten years old.

I gave it to him.

He was gonna mace me,
so I didn't have a choice.

He's gonna end up in jail one day
because of you.

I'm not the reason he's gonna
wind up in jail.

Hmm?

Besides, it's not even loaded.

Tell me where all the drugs are going,
who you're working for

and how all this shit works.

Where the drugs is going,
who I’m working for...

Man, I... Fuck you!

Y’all can talk tough all y’all want to.
If I snitch, I’m as good as dead!

Goddamn it!

This isn't working. He is very stubborn.

No shit, it ain’t working, man.
You’re a bitch-ass, Coffee.

- Yeah.
- Fuck you!

Why don't you get your muscle
some Twinkies? You hungry?

You could eat? I know you could eat.

I’d eat anything to get the taste
of your mom’s pussy out of my mouth.

Probably need
an anatomy textbook to find it.

Could’ve used one.
I couldn’t tell if it was her ass

or her pussy I was eating.

Ooh, you’re lucky I’m in this chair
cause if I weren’t,

I’d take that fucking poker right there,
I’d shove it dead up your ass,

-and then I’d shove it up your ass, too.
-You the one in the chair, motherfucker.

Take me out the chair,
see what I do.

-I'll beat your ass.
-Hold on a second.

Suck my dick. What the fuck
is wrong with both of y'all, man?

- Just wait, this is good.
- Suck my dick.

Maybe I would like that.

Yeah... What?

What?

Yeah, maybe...

I've got a giant crush on you, Orlando.

What? What the fuck is you talking about?

I’m talking about,
I want to go on some dates, my man!

I want to prove to you that I’m worthy
of your love, motherfucker! Yeah!

Where is this shit coming from?

Don't worry, I got this.
Gay and aggressive.

You're coming off
weirdly romantic. I mean...

Gay people love each other.

They just want what anybody wants.
I’m telling you! This is gonna work.

-That's not how you do...
It's alright.

I will ask you all of your sexual needs
and desires.

Why are you gazing at me like that?

And then I’ll make love to you
in exactly the way that you specified!

Respecting every one of your boundaries!

- Oh, hell no!
- Oh, my God. I’m confused.

I mean, ain't you fucking his mother?

Imagine how delighted you'll be

when you find out that foot rubs
are my love language!

I don't give a fuck
about your love language.

What the fuck?

Next thing you know, you’re introducing me
to your parents and they fucking love me!

Don't, man...

What are you gonna say?
In eight short months,

when we’re strolling down the boulevard
in Charleston, South Carolina...

-Get up.
-... and I bust out a ring.

And I say,

"Will you marry me?

-I love you!"
-"I'll have to think about it,"

is what I would say, okay?

We only been dating,
what you say, eight months?

And all of this-- Wait! Whoa!

Will you fucking marry me?

Somebody help me, please!
Please, man. Please.

-No! Hey!
-Wait!

What's that?

That's my motherfucking phone.

I already searched you.

Did you put his phone in your ass crack?

Oh, shit! Man!

Wow, you know, I was wondering
why this phone was so important to you.

Ballistics will show
that I didn’t shoot him.

There’s no physical evidence
connecting me to the crime.

But you. This is the only thing
that proves you didn't kill Choi.

Man, you don't know me.
You don't know shit.

Listen, you tell us everything
we want to know,

and you can have this video

and I will protect you
when this shit goes down.

You think your boy's going
to go to jail for you?

Nah.

It's dog-eat-dog in these streets.

-Take the deal.
-Fuck that, man.

Don't trust no cops.

Coffee ain't dirty.
He's the one cop that you could trust.

That's why he's so broke and sad.

- Thank you?
- No problem.

All right,
guess we'll just delete the video.

No! Don’t! Don't delete it.

-All right, it’s Watts.
-Watts?

She's fucking dirty, man.
After I got arrested,

we made a deal.
I snitched on all my suppliers, man.

She made all them busts because of me.

And the drugs that she incinerated,
they was fake.

-Choi was in on it, he made the switch!
-Wow. Okay. What about the deal?

The deal going down tonight.
The old steel mill by the water.

She’s selling dope to these crazy-ass
French-Canadians that I hooked up with.

Man, look, I just was gonna get my nut,
and then I was out, right?

I wanted to build like a fly-ass studio.

Maybe one side a studio,
the other side would be a strip club?

It was gonna be dope!
Coffee, you gotta protect me, man.

Like, you gotta protect me.

I said I was going to protect you
and I will.

- You have my word.
- Okay.

Bad cop, gay cop, motherfucker.

Wait, why can’t I just ride
in the back with y'all?

Coffee, you said you’d protect me!

Trust me, tonight,
this trunk is the safest place in Detroit.

No, wait!

This fucking trunk's
getting a lot of action.

Where we going?

Hill, it's Coffee.

Don't talk, just listen.
I have something I need to share with you,

but I need to see you in person.
Meet me at Venus in 30 minutes.

Yeah, the one with the good buffet.
And come alone, we can't trust anyone.

"Dear Mom,
I want you to know

that Coffee told me
to shoot you with the taser.

I didn’t wanna do it,
but he said it was our only option!

You have horrible taste in men
and he is no exception.

I went with him to find the dirty cops
who are after us,

because he is a huge pussy

and probably couldn’t do it himself!

Do not go to the police.
It’s for your own safety!

I’ll be back later.
Love, Kareem.

P.S. Sorry for the bad language."

Was it room three or room four?

- Look at the fucking key!
- Don't raise your voice at me.

You have to understand
the chain of command.

Now, when you shot that manager’s
knee-cap off,

I felt like
that’s a passive aggressive move

to really shoot me!
Sometimes, because we’re carrying guns,

I feel like it makes us tempted
to use ‘em, and we don’t have to.

We need to put these down
and pick these up. Our voices.

Okay?

Yo, where the fuck you going?
It’s right here.

Give me the goddamn key.

You better stop with all that
Dr. Phil shit.

Putting your feelings
and all that TED Talk shit

you got in your fucking head.

You need to get in the goddamn game.

You better keep up with my black ass.
Let’s go.

Yo, we know you in here!
Don’t make this harder than it’s gotta be!

What I tell you about the buffet,
not bad, right?

Yeah, this is my scene,
right here.

Listen, the only reason we’re here
is because we made a deal

and I’m a man of my word.

But you have to give me your word
that you won’t tell your mom about this.

Just tell her we went to Chuck E. Cheese.

That's cool.

Since we're here
and there are naked ladies everywhere,

you got any questions?

About girls?

The birds and the bees?

You're not my dad, asshole.

Fair enough. Duly noted.

But I should also point out,

I know I'm not your dad.
I don't want to be your dad.

No offense, I just...

I'm terrified at the idea of having kids.

I'm just afraid I would be a bad father...

and I actually think there's a lot of
evidence for that right now.

It's just I don't know how...

to be a parent.

Your mom is incredible.

I just... I don't get it.
I didn't have good role models.

Remember when I told you about my stepdad?

-I lied.
-Yeah, no shit.

No, I mean I had a stepdad.

I just... We weren't best friends.

He was a pretty big piece of shit,
actually.

Treated my mom like garbage.

Pushed me around a lot, you know.

We had to call the cops on him. A lot.

That's actually how I met Hill.

He used to come in there...
scare the shit out of my stepdad.

And that's why I became a cop.

Can I tell you something, Coffee?

Yeah! Yeah, of course. Anything.

About two weeks ago,
I shot my first load.

Excuse me?

Ejaculated.
Blew my nose out of my dick. Come on, man.

Yeah, I know what it is.

It's just that you're 12.

I saw this post on Reddit
about the clit-osaurus,

and how it’s like a 100 dicks
in one little button.

I need to press that button, Coffee.

You need to stay off of Reddit, okay?

And when it comes to women,
forget about the body!

There’s so much more to women
than just sex.

Just find somebody
who is your real friend and partner.

That’s the jackpot.

To be honest,
women scare the shit out of me.

I mean, where do you even start?

That's a great question.

You got to just be genuine. Be yourself.

But also be curious,

ask them about themselves,
find out what their interests are.

Right? Hey, excuse me.

My friend here
would like to practice with a lady.

The Champagne room's $150,
but that doesn't include extras.

I meant practice talking with a lady.

Well, you know, money talks, too, sweetie.

Of course.

Yes, and here you go.
You accept change, right?

What's your name, sugar?

-Umm, Kareem, what's yours?
-Thursday.

Tell me about yourself, Thursday.

I was born and raised in Detroit

and I have an associate's degree
in biology

and I'm studying to be a veterinarian.

Hmm, that's interesting.
What do you do for fun?

I like to jog.
I'm really into CSI: New York.

I love me some Gary Sinise.

Sinise is the best.

How much to look at your pussy?

Five dollars.

No. What? Did you hear anything I said?

- What the fuck is going on here?
- Hill!

Thank God you're here. Listen...

I have video evidence on this phone
that I did not kill Choi.

Also, I know it's impossible to believe,
but...

Detective Watts is dirty.

Nastier than shit.

Oh, my God, what? Watts is the bad guy?

Why is she here?

All right, everybody! Show’s over!

It’s police business.
I have to respectfully,

woman to woman, ask you to leave!

- Gotta go home.
- She's dirty.

Get the fuck out of here!
Get the fuck out!

Go home! Work on your marriages!

Jesus!

Okay, you two. Let's take a walk out back.

Not so fast, Watts.

Yeah, that's what's up.

Drop the gun, Coffee.

What? This fucking guy?

He's dirty?

You and you are dirty?

Honestly,
Hill wanted to include you

and he suggested it, and I laughed for,
like, ten minutes.

I'm sorry, Coffee.

I tried dropping hints.

Remember when you asked me
how could I afford that Jaguar,

and I told you drug money?

Yeah, that was a good hint.

When I took that kilo home,
it wasn't to analyze it.

I love cocaine.

I do it all the time.

You came back with test results.

I can give you test results.
I'm higher than a motherfucker right now!

I like it.

I guess I'm the asshole.

Wise up. This is Detroit, baby.

The--

- No!
- Shit!

More for me! I get a bigger share.

You're crazy.

Yeah, I just killed the person
I’m in cahoots with. It’s intentional.

All right, Linda, think.
How’s this gonna work?

You let Orlando escape custody
because you're working with him.

When the kid saw you kill Choi,
you killed him and his mom,

and you killed Hill! You killed everyone.

And, ooh! My guys are already
at that shit motel

where you’re hiding your mother,
so... pretty good at this.

You forgot one thing, Watts.

-Mhm?
-If I killed Kareem, then why...

That actually... Yeah, shit.
That's airtight.

What's up, little man?
You look like you're about to cry.

Don't worry.
You'll be with your mom soon.

In heaven. But you’ll be together,
if you believe in that. I don’t.

Don't do this.

Close your eyes, kid.

I don't want to.

Close your eyes.

Run![

Fuck you!

Where's the fucking kid?

Fuck!

My eyes!

Kareem! Where are you, you little shit?

- Run, Kareem!
- Kareem!

Fuck!

Get up, motherfucker!

Where the fuck are you?

Fuck.

All right, little man. One-time offer.
You come out now,

hey, we could put the blame
on this motherfucker,

and you and your mom can go free!

Don't listen!

- You have three seconds to decide.
- Don't listen to her!

One.

Two.

Oh, shit!

Shit!

Sorry!

Come on, get in!

I haven't got time for that shit.
Get the fuck in!

Hello? Is anybody there?
Can anybody please help me!

Please help me!

Oh, no, please don't shoot me!

Oh, Watts! I'm so glad to see you.
Listen, Coffee held me hostage.

Man, this motherfucker's crazy.

Get out of the fucking trunk!
You're driving.

Slow down! I’m dying!

If you die on me, Coffee,
I'm gonna fucking kill you!

They have my fucking Mom!

You're gonna kill us both!
Use the brake!

-Which one is that?
-It's the one on the left!

Oh, shit!

Fuck!

Go!

If you have any use of your motor skills,

you might want to shoot
the fucking bad guy!

-I'm going out. Hold steady!
-I'll try my best.

If you lose him, it is your ass.

Do you see how this kid is driving?

Hold on!

Yeah, get 'em!

Fucking kid's going to do the job for us!

Shit!

- Ah.
- Shit. You all right?

Just pull over and stop.
Let them kill me. I'm done.

Oh, oh.

Oh, my God.
Get out of the way!

Is that a fucking roundabout?

- No!
- Go!

Roundabout!

What the hell is going on?

Are they chasing us
or are we chasing them?

I don't know!

This is the police.

Officer James Coffee is wanted
for double homicide and kidnapping.

Officer Coffee is also a known pervert.

Hide your children
and their tiny buttholes.

This man is dangerous.

Detective Watts is a liar and a murderer.

Everything she's saying must be taken
with a grain of salt.

Your ex-wife used to cover her body
in grains of salt,

and let half the Pistons shoot
tequila shots off her.

That is a lie.
They were not basketball players.

Gimme that shit.

Detective Watts is just mad
because she looks like

an old-ass Taylor Swift on meth.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

I'm gonna be sick.

Fuck!

Hold on!

Watch out!

Yes!

-High five, buddy!
-I'm an amazing, fucking driver!

-Yeah!
-Fuck yeah!

-Eyes on the road.
-Oh, shit!

I don’t want to take
no fucking driver’s test.

You tell that motherfucking DMV guy
that I’m an amazing driver!

I will tell them.
You deserve a driver's license right now.

-Yeah, Let's go get my mom!
-Let's go get your mom. Yeah.

Call Rodney.
Tell him to bring the fucking girlfriend

-to the steel mill.
-Okay.

- Mom! What happened!
- Oh, shit. Vanes...

- What the hell? Mom!
- {Coffee] Oh my God.

Oh, shit!

- Oh my God.
- No.

Oh, no.

My fault. Shit.

They have my mom.

They have my fucking mom!

Hey...

- Hey, buddy.
- It's all my fucking fault, man.

We're going to figure this out, okay?
We'll find her. It's okay.

Fuck that. We gotta do something.

We need to get them motherfuckers,
right, Coffee?

Yes. Yes, of course. We just...

We gotta be smart. Watts is dangerous.

Man, nah, fuck that!

We can get an arsenal off the internet
within the hour.

AK-47s, napalm, grenades!

It's gonna be on and popping
in this bitch!

No! Hey, Kareem, come on!
This isn't a video game!

None of that stuff's
gonna bring your mom back.

-We gotta try!
-No! I'm not gonna let you leave.

Coffee, get the fuck outta my way!

No!

See what we learned?

Sit your ass down, now!

You don't tell me what to do.
You're not my dad.

Yeah, unlike your dad, I didn't leave.
I'm still here.

My dad died from cancer.

He did?

I'm so sorry. The point is...

I'm putting my foot down.

Oh, now you wanna grow a pair of balls.
How fucking convenient.

I wish I did a few weeks ago.

I'd have dumped your mom
when you entered the picture.

Save myself from a whole lot of trouble!

- Excuse me!
- Vanessa!

Mom!

Don't you ever talk to my son
like that again.

-Baby, come here. Are you okay?
-Mommy! Yeah.

-Did they hurt you?
-I'm okay.

You were gonna dump me?

You are lucky to be with me, motherfucker.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

What the hell happened?
We thought you were kidnapped!

Oh, you thought I was gonna let some
punk kids fuck with me?

I handled them
like their mothers should have.

You better give me the goddamn key!
And you better keep up with my black ass.

Let’s go.

Yo, we know you in here.
Don’t make it harder than it’s gotta be!

Fuck!

Shit!

Bitch! Stop! No!

Fucking shit!

Fuck! Lady, I don't want to fuck you up!

- You ain't gonna do shit!
- Rodney, help me, man!

Help me, man!

You're next, bitch!

No, wait! No!

Where's my son? Huh?

Wait, stop!

I told you, James, when it comes to
my son, I don't fuck around.

Come on, baby.

No, wait!

- You crying?
- Shut up.

- What you crying for?
- That's Orlando's ringtone.

Oh, shit. Come on!
Orlando! If you can hear me,

we're tied up in this minivan.
We're at the Proburt Motel.

You gotta send help. This bitch is crazy.

Don’t fuck with no single mother
with kids.

I’m telling you, it’s not worth it.

It only ends one way,
and that’s your head in the toilet,

eating human shit!

- ... the police!
- She coming. Play dead!

- What about us?
- Oh, please.

- Kareem, come on!
- You'll be better off, remember?

Yeah, you was gonna dump me!
Remember, huh?

I didn't mean that!
I've... just been shot!

Kareem, come on. We're a team!
We're like Crockett and Stubbs.

James, goodbye.

And put your seat belt on.
Don't think I forgot about that taser.

- Listen to your moms, bitch!
- Hey, did I give you permission to speak?

- No, ma'am.
- Sit your bitch-ass back.

Okay, I'm sorry.

No!

Vanessa, please, just...

Stop!

If you leave now....

It's officially over.

No, Vanessa! Kareem!

Get off of me!

Shit. No!

Kareem!

Watts...

it's Coffee.

This ends tonight.

I trade my life
for Kareem and Vanessa's.

To the good people of Detroit, Michigan,
this is James Coffee,

formerly of
the Detroit Metro Police Department.

For the past three months,
I’ve been dating Vanessa Manning.

Her son Kareem and I have
an understandably fraught relationship,

but we’re working on it.

He sees me as a threat.
It’s a dynamic that happens all the time.

I’m reading a book about it.
I highly recommend it.

I’ll put a link in the comments.

The point is it was never, like,
a kidnapper-kidnappee kind of dynamic.

I’ve come to realize
that I love the two of them

more than anything else in the world,

and I’m about to prove it.

I’m requesting tactical units
to the River Street steel mill

where a drug deal is going down tonight,

orchestrated by the corrupt detective,
Linda Watts.

It has been my honor and privilege
to serve as an officer of the law

these last 15 years.

I’m not crazy.

Orlando, I think my ass is infected.

Welcome, yes.
No, I shouldn't have an accent.

I should be myself.

Alright, here we go.

We're going to deal with a human mistake
for about five minutes

and then it's gonna be over.

Orlando, get the woman and her kid.

Orlando?

Get your fucking head in the game!
Go get them, and bring them outside!

Okay. Yeah.
Your little boyfriend's here. Let's go

Stop touching me

They're here.
Get the fuck out of the car!

Send over the woman and child.

Nope, you gotta hold your bitch mouth
further from the microphone!

Oh, this is a different one
than the one in my squad car.

- It's the same.
- It's a different brand radio.

I don't know. Does this sound okay?

It's still too close.

Yeah, this radio's
very sensitive.

-Is that better?
-That's better.

Okay, great.

- Send over the woman and child.
- No! Get the fuck out of the car.

Not until they're safe.

I trade my life for theirs,
that's the deal.

The deal is, they’re gonna walk over
after you get out of the fucking car.

I feel we're on different pages.

I think that if I get halfway there,
then you can release them.

Then I will come the rest of the way.

That’s like a Helen Keller square dance
that I don’t wanna be a part of.

Okay, let’s hear your idea. Give me
a proposal and I’ll give you a counter.

You get out of the fucking car
or I give this child a 600-week abortion.

Okay?

If they die...

we all die.

You don't have the balls
to pull some gangster shit, Coffee.

I got the balls, Watts.

I got a...

couple of big, green, oval-shaped balls.

What?

Grenades!

Okay? I'm talking about grenades.

- Holy shit, he got grenades!
- God!

No. Guys, do not be scared.
He's bluffing.

These grenades are real.

They're not. This is a man
who jerks off to Glenn Close.

We're safe. We've never been safer.

You know what's funny?

I didn't think I actually had
the grenades to end all this...

but Kareem made me realize
I've had the grenades all along.

I just needed something
worth fighting for.

That was a good shot!

Fuck! Run! Run!

I ain't afraid of no grenade--

Shit!

No!

My drugs!

-Oh, shit!
-My fucking drugs!

Gross.

We gotta get it pushed through
in 5 minutes! We’ll clean it up.

Let’s pack this and move it in!

The Canadians are coming,
so, still wanna make a good impression!

Orlando?

You find that fucking family
and you execute them all.

Hey, Orlando,

- can I get you a sandwich?
- I don't...

Just grab two pieces of bread
with a tampon in the middle of it?

-I don't...
-For your pussy.

I'm not... What?

My man Rodney.
I think you deserve a promotion.

And I’m gonna need you to set
a precedent high up there

by murdering a child and his mother.

Yes! Finally! Finally, fuck! Yes!

- Yes.
- Thank you!

This couldn’t have come at a better time.

My colleagues were bullying me.
I told them it’s time that I’m a leader.

Make it look like
Coffee murder-suicided it.

You heard what she said.
Step to it, bitch.

Fuck you.

See? That's the bullying
I'm talking about.

-I'm sorry I doubted your balls, Coffee.
-That's okay.

- That's a dead end.
- This way.

Hey!
Where you think y'all are going?

Shit.
You don't wanna do this, Orlando.

You think I'm doing this for fun?

I can see you’ve been through a lot.

Now, look. We can all get out of here
together and alive.

Fuck this.

Orlando, this isn't you.
This is not like you at all.

-You don't know me, lady.
-I do know. A mother knows.

-I know that you're scared.
-That's right, Mom.

You a bitch, man! You a bitch!

Shut up. You don’t know shit.

You just a little-ass kid
with little-ass kid nuts!

Hey, hey! You are a bitch. Watts is
fucking you in the face right now.

-Cause you a bitch!
-Who a bitch? Me? You a bitch!

-You don’t kill shit, motherfucker!
-Don’t you call me a bitch!

-Don’t you call me a bitch.
-You're being a bitch.

Both of y'all some bitches.

Shut the fuck up already!
All right. Jesus!

The level of insecurity with you guys
is unbelievable.

"I’m a bitch, you’re a bitch!

No, I got a big dick!
No, my big dick hangs low like King Kong."

Shut the fuck up with all the posturing!

No one is as tough as they say they are.
You're all soft!

And Orlando,
you’re not gonna shoot anybody, okay?

I see you. I see straight through you.
You’re just like my son.

'Cause we both gangster?

No! No, because you’re a good boy.

Both of you, you’re good boys.
You’re just insecure as hell,

and so you put on these tough acts
to protect yourself from getting hurt.

But, hey, I have a plan.
Why don’t we put our egos aside?

And get the fuck out of here

because your crazy-ass boss
is gonna kill us all!

Shit, man!

Goddamn!

Fucking soft.

I ain’t never shot nobody in my life.

-That's okay. I'm soft, too.
-Yeah, we know that, James.

I just wanted to do the music.
Now, all of a sudden,

I’ve got to live up to some shit
I said on track when I was 17?

Fucking tired of this shit, man!
I’m always anxious, you know?

-I wanted to be a dentist.
-That's amazing.

I wanted to fix people's teeth.

-You got the teeth for it.
-Thank you.

-Let's just get the fuck out of here.
-Right, let's go. Follow me.

This looks good, right?

Show of hands.
Who thinks this is noticeable?

Yeah, it's not good.

Here we go.

Welcome. Bienvenue.

Hi.

Madame Watts.

I thought I could fake it.

I thought I could just start saying stuff
and you guys would respond,

but I guess it's a real language.

Anyway, do we have a deal?

No fucking way. Look at that shit.

Why is it all burny?

-Burny?
-It's burnt.

Like you roasted this
over a fucking campfire,

singing songs and shit.

Though charred on the outside...
this will fuck you up, I promise.

It's artisanal. We took a classic
and just set it on fire.

It's kind of like a coke brûlée. See?

Oh, my God. Like, I’ve done that before.

Feelings, concerns, initial reactions?
What notes are you getting?

Oh.

That's terrible.

So, do we have a deal?

No need to look at it.
Just look right here.

Okay, so is there
any other way out of here?

No, this is it.

-That's the French dude.
-Yeah.

So because I like you
and I feel like we could be friends,

Uh, ten percent.
Ten percent discount to move this today.

Uh, fifteen fucking percent.

You're fucking me around.

I bet we can sneak out
while they're distracted by the deal.

That's a good idea.

It's 18.5, and that’s it.

Standing at my power
at 19% and no fucking further.

Twenty-five percent, cause I need
to go home and watch a Nancy Meyers movie

and erase this day.

Twenty-five percent, huh?

Okay.

- We're good.
- Thank you so much. Fuck off.

Here's the money! I’m so excited.

This is the Detroit Metro Police.

We have you surrounded.

- No!
- You set us up!

I'm taking what's mine!

Why don’t we just wait for them to finish
shooting each other, and we just walk out?

Listen you French fucks,

I know you’re just finding out
about feminism and lung cancer,

but I’m taking the money!
This is mine, you motherfuckers!

- Put a bullet right in your forehead.
- No.

Down, Stein!

-What the fuck?
-Sorry!

We all make mistakes!

Okay, here's the plan.

Orlando and I, we run out guns blazing.
Create a diversion.

But I promise, we're all going to
make it out of here alive.

Most of us. At least half of us
are going to make it out of here alive.

- Why would you say that?
- Which fucking half?

You're right. It's not a good plan.

I gotta say, man, if you die,
I’d be pretty pissed.

I love you, too.

I ain't saying all that now.

Yeah, but I get it.

-Aren't you trained for shit like this?
-Let's do this.

- Shit!
- Coffee!

Come on, let's go!

- Don't shoot us!
- Hold your fire!

I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death!

Coffee's still in there!

That shit's gonna blow! Get 'em back now!

Fuck, it's not detaching!

We about to make it
out this mother fucker.

If I die, you motherfuckers
are coming with me!

Coffee,
I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Get out of here!

- Oh, shit!
- Son of a... Fuck!

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

-You're bullshitting!
-I'm not. This got so out of hand!

Please, help me.

I’m at the end of my fucking rope, man.
I don’t know how this happened!

Listen, you made some horrible choices.

But it's not too late.The department
has great mental health resources.

You might do a little time,
but we can turn your life around.

I am fucking with you!

- Fuck! I knew it.
- You idiot.

You had no idea.

Coffee!

This is what happens when you fuck
with me, you mother--

Eat it, Watts!

No!

No!

No!

Come on, man. Get in there and help him.

The fire department will be here
real soon, guys,

and I'm sure everything will work out
just fine.

Ah, shit.

Voilà.

If you need a good grief counselor,
I know a guy.

Look!

-Coffee!
-James!

- He's on fire!
- Coffee!

No, move. Move!

James, I'm so glad you're okay.
Oh my God.

Are you crying?

Who's soft now, huh?

-Are you all right?
-No!

- Somebody help!
- Come on.

Officer Coffee will corroborate
your role as an informant?

Hell yeah, he'll corroborate.
The fucking kid'll tell you, too!

All that's behind me, man,
Imma be a dentist.

I decided. Just recently.

Imma be a dentist.
I'm like the mold in the whole situation.

So, Deb, are you a Gary Sinise fan?

You think he'll be okay?

Yeah, I think he'll be just fine.

What about us?

Huh?

What would you say
if I asked you to marry me?

Let's see how this all heals up first.

Ow, don't make me laugh!

It causes more chunks to fall off.

Have you seen yourself yet?

Oh, it's gonna be fine.
I'll just put some aloe on it.

Coffee,
I want those hands where I can see them.

Damn. How is this more gross
than when I caught y'all boning?

Hey! We got a live one here!

No!

Coffee, I'm gonna kill--

Coffee.

Stay away from my family, bitch!

That was hot.

Now that is what the fuck
I'm talking about.

Hey! Language.

You just shot...

Yes, ma'am.

Don’t think I don’t see the look
y'all are giving each other.

I see everything.

Coffee, you have got your hands full.

Yeah. So does this mean the deal’s over?
You gonna let me see your mom,

and you're definitely not gonna try
to have me murdered?

Just don't give me
a fucking reason to.