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There was nothing extraordinary about my mum and dad,

nothing dramatic.

No divorce or anything,

but they were my parents

and I wanted to remember them by doing a picture book.

It's a bit odd, really, having a book about my parents up there

in the bestseller list among all the football heroes and cook books.

They'd be proud of that, I suppose.

But probably rather embarrassed too.

I imagine they would say, "It wasn't like that."

Or, "How can you talk about that?"

Well, I have.

And this is their story.

WHIRRING

- Bye, Mum! - Bye, dear.

- Ta ta, Ern, mate. - Ta ta.

Ta ta.

Hurry up with that dusting, Ethel.

There's the fire to stoke and the beds to make.

Yes, madam. I won't be long.

BELL DINGS

SHE GASPS

HE CHUCKLES

Ethel! Aren't you finished yet?

Yes, madam.

Sorry, madam.

Hey, hey! SHE GASPS

Ethel! Where are you?

Coming, madam.

THUNDER CLAPS

Hm...

Ethel!

Ethel!!

- Ethel?!! - Oh.

BELL RINGS

Yes, yes, I'm coming!

Doh!

Hello, duck.

Oh! Oh, it's you.

Thought I'd introduce myself.

You've waved that blooming duster at me enough times.

Oh, no, I didn't mean to. It was just that...

Name's Ernest. SHE SIGHS

- I'm Ethel. - That's a nice name.

Well, Ethel, how about coming to the pictures with me?

Oh, well, I...

They've got lots for me to do.

- What time you knock off? - I finish about seven.

Perfect! They are showing Hangman's House at the local.

- You mean, the Coronation? - Yes.

- Starts at eight. I could meet you there. - Thank you. That would...

- that would be very nice. - Grand.

And these, they're for you.

SHE GASPS

They are...lovely.

- See you about a quarter to, then. - Yes.

Yes, I'll be there!

BIKE BELL DINGS

Oh!

Ernest...

Two, please.

ORGAN PLAYS JOLLY TUNE

- (Victor McLaglen.) - Who's he?

- Him up there. - Oh.

My favourite.

Oh...

JAZZY TUNE PLAYS

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Oh, Ernest, doesn't it sound wonderful?

Cor! Blimey, yeah.

Five shillings to get in!

A bit posh if you ask me.

Tell you what, it's under a shilling at our church hall

next Saturday.

- Are you on? - Oh, Ernest!

HE LAUGHS

HE SNIFFS

- Lovely flowers, darling. - Oh, that's Dad. He's potty about the garden.

- Did you all grow up here? - Yes, 11 of us.

Bob, Beaty, Mag, Edie, me, Frank, Flo, Jessie, George, Joe and Bill.

Cor, blimey! SHE CHUCKLES

Come and meet Mum and Dad.

Ernest, your tie.

- Want to make a good impression. - Oh, yes, darling.

George was killed in the war,

Bob died as a baby and Beaty died at two and a half.

- Poor little kiddies. - Hm.

Hello, dear.

Mum, this is Ernest.

Very pleased to meet you, uh, Mrs Bowyer.

You haven't asked me to your home yet, dear.

Yeah, well, it's not as nice as yours, darling.

What do you mean, not as nice?

Well, there's scrap iron, rag-and-bone men,

there's fights outside the pubs. Women too.

The coppers won't go down there.

The last one that did go, they bashed him up,

then sat on him and then blew him up his whistle to fetch more coppers.

Oh! Ernest.

It's not your cuppa tea, darling.

Am I to understand that you wish to leave us?

Yes, madam.

To get married?

Yes, madam.

To a man?!

Yes, madam.

Well...

..I hope you know what you're doing.

Ever so sorry, madam.

Give us your box, darling.

Oh!

I don't like leaving them, they're so helpless.

They can't do a thing for themselves.

Hm. Serve 'em right.

Bloated plutocrats!

There's no need to swear, Ernest.

What?

Don't worry about them. They'll soon get another skivvy.

I was not a skivvy!

I was a lady's maid and what's more,

I'm going to be married!

So am I!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, it's lovely.

But £825? Can we afford

that mortgage business?

Yeah, it's easy. I'll be getting three guineas a week soon.

Besides, we've got 25 years. 19...55, it'll be ours.

A wrought iron gate, your ladyship.

SHE GIGGLES

Silly.

Oh, and look, Ernest, a marble pillar.

LAUGHS: Look at this.

Oh!

Oh, Ernest. It's so much space.

- We could get those electric lights put in. - Yeah, nice and modern.

Brother Fred's got a wireless. He can hear Germany.

Whatever would you want to hear Germany for?

Oh! A French window!

Oh, Ernest, there's the bathroom!

Blimey! The lav too.

Come along, Ernest.

TOILET FLUSHES

Hm.

Ha!

Enormous bedroom! Four windows in one room!

It'll cost a fortune for curtains.

A bit different to home, eh, darling?

Lots of rooms for two people.

Perhaps they'll be more than two one day.

- What, lodgers you mean? - No! - THEY CHUCKLE

This could be our baby's room.

Nice and warm over the kitchen.

Let's get rid of this old range.

Ha! This boiler came out of the ark.

SHE GIGGLES

Hello, puss. CAT MEOWS AND PURRS

- Oh. - A fair bit of garden.

More than down-home.

Oh, I've always wanted my own bit of garden.

A little shed for my bike and workshop.

And mind you, keep it tidy.

Don't you start bossing me about before we get married.

- HE LAUGHS - Oh, Ernest, I can't believe it.

- We'll have a kitchen and a scullery. - A sitting room and a dining room.

- A garden and a shed. - Don't forget the hall.

And the bathroom! Luxury!

- Oh! - THEY LAUGH

CHURCH BELLS TOLL

Yes, that's it. Hold it. Hold to that they are, if you could.

That's it, lovely. That's it, Mrs Briggs. Lovely. Very nice.

Now, hold there. Hold it there. Big smiles.

We'll have one more of those.

Go on, Ern. Let's see a kiss for the bride. Go on, Ern.

CHEERING

Yeah, one more. One more, please, everybody.

JAZZY TUNE PLAYS

# Ooh

# What a little moonlight can do. #

Isn't the bedroom huge?

We'll need some cases under the bed for our clothes.

A wardrobe, Ernest!

Oh. Oh, yes. Of course.

HE WHISTLES

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Good morning, Madam. How many today, please?

Just you keep off my clean step, young man.

- HE LAUGHS - Oh!

- SHE LAUGHS - Oh, Ernest.

I got a round that finishes down our road, Ette.

That's nice, dear.

I should be done about 12 and then I can get going on that old range.

SQUEAKING HE GRUNTS

I'll be glad to see the back of that thing.

It's a pig, duck.

One of those nice, new gas cookers, that's what we need.

Oh! CLANGING

Careful, Ernest!

Whoa-oh!

# Any old iron, any old iron

# Any, any, any old iron

# You look neat, talk about a treat

# You look dapper from your napper to your feet... #

Ernest, don't sing those dreadful cockney songs.

# Dressed in style, brand-new tile

# And your father's old green tie on

# But I wouldn't give you tuppence for you old watch and chain

# Old iron, old iron. # HE HUMS

All right! CLANGING

Hey!

Oh.

SHE COUGHS That's done the job.

GRUNTING AND SCRAPING

That's it, smashing bed.

Nearly new. Mahogany, I think.

Whoop!

Good springs, look. Newlyweds need good springs.

SHE GASPS Come and try it out, darling.

Certainly not, Ernest.

It's broad daylight.

HE LAUGHS

- I finished a new draining board, darling! - Oh, lovely.

Fits over the edge. Removable before cleaning.

What, with that and the new cooker...

We're in clover! SHE LAUGHS

There. Bang on!

Ugh! It says here over two million unemployed.

I'm lucky to be a milkman, Ette.

I hate coal under the stairs.

Coal dust gets everywhere and it's so common.

Ha! I'll build a brick bunker in the garden, then.

(That'd be lovely.)

What do you reckon, Ette? Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, Ernest, it's far too big.

I'll make some nice loose covers.

Came out of a posh hotel. A bargain!

I've made a curtain for under the tank. It'll hide the pipes.

I'll keep my outdoor clothes there. The pipes will dry them off.

Oh, but your coats smell of stale milk, Ernest.

Yeah, sorry.

Do you think you'll ever be promoted?

I blooming fear. Not me.

Yard foreman, stuck in a tin shed all day, adding up rows of figures?

Blow that for a lark. I like the fresh air!

I could have married...

a deep-sea diver.

- Well, why didn't you? - Because...

I didn't love him.

Why do you keep that picture of a baby on the wall?

- SHE GASPS - Why do you think?

Well, it's not a relative, is it?

We've been married over two years.

- I'll soon be 37. - SHE CRIES

Oh. Eh.

Don't cry.

- I'm sorry. - SHE SOBS

Oh, shush, shush, shush. Mm.

I know. I know.

RAIN FALLS

Evening Standard. Night news, night news.

Hitler wins power in Germany.

- Here you go, Rich. - Ta, Ern.

- Evening Standard. - Oh, no. - Hitler wins power in Germany.

This bloke, Adolf Hitler,

says they're publishing his book over here.

- Mein Kampf, it's called. - Oh!

That's nice of him.

Huh?

Ette!

- Surprise, dear. - Oh.

- New mirror! - It's lovely.

How ever did you get it home?

- I walked it back on my bike pedal. - How much was it?

Only half a dollar. I got it off of didicoy down-home.

I've got a surprise for you too.

- Oh, yes? - I've been to...

um...the doctor.

Oh... And?

- You mean? - Mm.

- We're...? - Yeah.

We're going to...?

Yippee!

- I can't believe it. - Oh, Ette!

THEY LAUGH

- Happy birthday, darling. - Oh, Ernest.

And your card. They get bigger every year. This one is all padded.

SHE LAUGHS

Bit my best present isn't due until January.

- HE LAUGHS More tea, Ette. - Mm-hm.

- DISTANT SCREAMING - One more push, Mrs Briggs.

- SHE SCREAMS - Very good.

Goodness gracious me, what a fuss!

You'll wake the neighbours so you will.

WHISTLING

Oh, my God! Ette!

Wait!

HE PANTS

Steady now, Mr Briggs.

You will surely not be bringing those bottles into the birth room.

Sorry, Mrs... Madam, nurse.

- Is she...? - It's a boy.

- Is she...? - Mother is well.

Oh, thank God for that.

Get as much rest as you can now, Mrs Briggs.

Baby is doing fine.

Thank you, Doctor.

Hello, Doctor.

Ette.

Oh, Ernest.

Oh!

- When was it? - About five.

I was just doing Ashland Grove.

Nearly ran out of stelerized.

How do you feel? You look...you look done in.

Tired.

It's all red.

He. It's a he.

Oh, yes. DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT

Mr Briggs, a word.

Yes, Doctor.

- It was touch-and-go. - Oh?

Your wife is 38.

There had better not be any more.

But we wanted a proper family.

More children, no more wife.

I'm sorry.

Good day to you.

BABY CRIES

Right a bit, Ette. Don't want the nappies in the picture.

That's it.

Hold it.

I don't have to tell you to smile.

BABY COOS HE LAUGHS

This MP's pleading a working-class flat should be

built with bathrooms. Labour MP, of course.

They always say if you give the working-class a bath,

they keep the coal in it.

Oh, yeah? I haven't noticed much coal in our bath.

Ernest! We are not working class!

Ha!

BELL RINGS

Oh, it's you.

- Hello, Ette. I've come to see the baby. - Hm.

Come in.

Oh, how are you, duck?

Ernest, it's your stepmother...

again.

Hello, Mum.

I brought you a couple bottles of stout

and some coal.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks, Mum. No need.

Now, where's my little boy?

Oh, ain't he grown?

- OVER RADIO: - 'This is the BBC in London...'

- What? - '..now follows the news.'

'German Chancellor Adolf Hitler announced today new laws that

'will forbid Jews remaining as German citizens...'

Hey, Ern, turn that blessed wireless thing off.

I don't want that man hear what I'm saying.

THEY SNIGGER

'Prime Minister Chamberlain said

'that a new meeting's going to be held...'

Here, Ette, did you know if you're a Jew in Germany,

you are forbidden to marry a German?

- SLEEPILY: - Hm?

I would hate to marry a German.

No...

HE SIGHS

Cor! This gas copper is a real luxury.

Just turn the tap and strike a match.

SHE CHUCKLES BBC's going to start television

later this year.

What's that when it's at home?

Well, it looks like a wireless set with pictures on top of it.

Moving pictures?

Talkies?

Yeah.

It'll be like going to the pictures without going out.

What, you just sit and look at it?

- Yeah. - Hm...

Suppose it might be all right for the gentry.

- Oh! - BABY CRIES

Oh!

- BABY CRIES - Let's see that nappy, then.

Oh. Another load of washing.

SHE CHUCKLES

It says the average family needs £6 week to keep it

above the poverty line.

- What's the poverty line? - Don't know.

Just wish I earned £6 a week.

Well, with the nipper growing up so fast.

- Whee!! - KID LAUGHS

Hey-hey! That's the way to do it, boysie!

Again, again.

Oh, Ernest, he's getting such a big boy.

- No, he's not. He's skinny like me. - Wiry, Ernest.

And tall and lovely hair.

All those curls.

Oh, look! That's new.

They're serving teas in the balcony.

There's waitresses in aprons and caps.

Look's a bit posh.

- Whee! - Maybe some other time, my dear. - Again!

Yes...some other time.

SOBBING

Whatever's up, darling?

What are you crying for?

- I've had it done! - What? What?

- His hair. - Eh?

They've cut it all off. His beautiful curls.

Well, blimey, it's got to be done, Ette.

We can't have him running around like a blooming girl all his life!

He's not a baby any more. He'll be off to school in no time.

- SOBBING: - I know!

Hello, boysie. SHE CONTINUES CRYING

What's wrong with Mum?

SHE CRIES HARDER

Mum! Mum!

Raymond, dear, shouldn't you be in school?

Mum, Mum! Ahh!

Whatever are you home for?

You mustn't come home in the middle of the day.

- HE PANTS - Did you cross that main road?

You must have done.

- I can't find the sit down lavatories! - You can't find the...

(We showed you them.)

No, they are girls. Girls sit down!

- No, there's boy sitting downs as well. - No, there isn't.

It's all girls! Look out, I want to go number two!

Nice day again, Mrs Bennett.

Yes, lovely, Mrs Briggs.

TOILET FLUSHES

SHOUTING IN GERMAN OVER RADIO

Sounds like that Hitler's on the warpath, good and proper.

Oh.

Just hark at them.

They're all barmy.

Our George was killed in the last one.

And brother Tom.

It doesn't seem all that long ago.

RAYMOND GIGGLES IN DISTANCE

Our poor old mother never got over it.

HE GIGGLES

This television is going to be on one and a half hours every evening.

Dreadful.

It will be like going to the pictures every day.

Blimey! There is a photo here of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor

shaking hands with Hitler.

Oh, he can't be so bad, then.

What?

Look, Mum.

- OVER RADIO: - 'The Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain returned from

'Germany today and spoke to crowds at Heston airport

'with the promise of peace.'

'I had another talk with German Chancellor Herr Hitler.

'And here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine.'

CHEERING OVER RADIO

Cor, Ette. Old Chamberlain has given Hitler half of Czechoslovakia.

Oh, yes?

He says it's peace with honour. Peace in our time.

Think goodness for that. Don't you want that bit of toast, Ernest?

Ah. No thanks, dear.

Evening Standard.

Ta, Ern.

You there, Ette?

In here!

Hitler's marched into Prague now.

He'll be coming down our road soon.

Adolf Hitler? In Wimbledon Park?

It says here the government is going to spend £200,000

on air raid shelters.

We better get ourselves ready.

Oh, not on the table, Ernest!

GRUNTING

It's going to be very stuffy with all this blackout up, Ernest.

Not half as stuffy as a gas-proof room would be.

Poisoned gas?!

- Oh, I hadn't thought of that. - We have to bung up the chimney,

tape over the cracks around the doors and windows,

put wet newspapers in between the floorboards.

He's a right old barmy. RAYMOND GIGGLES

Rarr!

Oh, Raymond! Behave.

This isn't a game, you know?

# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree...

- BOTH: - # Mr Chamberlain and said to me

# If you want your gas masks fitted free

# Join the blinking ARP. #

RAYMOND LAUGHS

Read this booklet until you know by heart what it contains.

Oh, I wish I had a proper gas mask carrier.

Not a soppy old cardboard box and string. It's not fair!

- CRASHING - Oh, dear.

Ernest. Ernest, can you hear me?

- No! - I can!

Be quiet, son. RAYMOND GIGGLES

Can you beat it? IRA bombs in London, Manchester and Birmingham.

When will it end?

Oh, those Irish, they are just like the blessed Arabs and Jews.

- Always at it. - Yes, and don't forget the Serbs and Croats.

They're just as bad. Then there's the Hindus and Muslims.

Why can't they all just be like us and live in peace?

- OVER RADIO: - 'We interrupt this broadcast with an announcement from

'the Prime Minister in London.'

'I am speaking to you from the Cabinet Room in Downing Street...'

# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree... #

- Ssh! It's the Prime Minister. - # Mr Chamberlin said to me... #

Ssh, dear!

'.. handed the German government a final note,

'stating that unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock,

'that they were prepared at once to withdraw

'their troops from Poland,

'a state of war would exist between us.

'I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received.

'And that consequently, this country is at war with Germany.'

Blimey, duck.

This is it. SHE WHIMPERS

Mum?

AIR RAID SIREN BLARES

AIR RAID SIREN CONTINUES

- NEWSREADER: - 'The government announced today

'that one and a half million children are to be evacuated.

'Children living in big cities and towns...'

- No! - '..are to be moved temporarily from their homes...'

- No, they're not taking ours away. - Course they are.

No, they're not. Over my dead body!

It will be over his dead body, then.

- Is that what you want? - Oh...

- Oh, Ernest. - Well, that's exactly what will happen. He's got to go.

ETHEL CRIES

Oh, sorry, darling. Come on.

Don't cry.

Don't cry, love.

ETHEL CRIES

I know...

SMOKE HISSES AND TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

INDISTINCT TANNOY ANNOUNCER

DOG BARKS

TRAIN HORN IN BACKGROUND

You be a good boy now, Raymond.

Come on, then.

Up you go, son. That's it.

RAYMOND STRAINS

Bye, son.

- We'll send you some things in the post. - Stand clear now!

I know, I know...

BLOWS WHISTLE

TRAIN HORN

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

Bye, darling. Bye...

Bye, son.

He's gone.

- He's gone... - Don't cry, darling.

He'll be safe down the country.

He's only five!

ETHEL CRIES

DISTANT TRAIN HORN

Ernest!

Ernest, it must be from Raymond.

Yes! Yes!

"Dear Mum and Dad, Auntie Flo and Auntie Betty are very nice ladies."

Look, he's done some drawings, too.

"I sleep on a camp bed in Auntie Flo's bedroom."

Aw, poor little mite.

"I get the milk in a can. It is not in bottles because it is cows."

Milk not in bottles? Blimey.

"I rode on a carthorse's back when we got the hay.

"I nearly did the splits.

"Yours sincerely, Raymond."

"Yours sincerely"!

THEY LAUGH

RADIO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

ERNEST WHEEZES

# There's a place for your hat... #

Mind my antirrhinums, Ernest.

ERNEST STRAINS

I hope you know what you're doing.

Eh? Course, duck. You just wait.

# I've got the deepest shelter in town... #

That's it. All done.

Is that it? Finished?

Is it really bombproof?

You'll have to wait and see.

# And I've got central heat

# But to make it complete... #

CAT MEOWS

Russia's invaded Finland now.

I thought they'd invaded Poland.

- Yes, they have. - But you said Germany's invaded Poland.

- Yes, that's right. - Well, who was it invaded Czechoslovakia? - Germany.

Germany's always invading someone.

- I expect they'll invade Russia one day. - Cor blimey! Not likely.

- They're in league. - Or Russia will invade Germany. - Oh, don't be daft.

Well, if they all keep invading one another,

we'll end up invading someone.

Oh, Ette, you just don't understand politics.

Doh! Now look.

Blessed shelter!

BIRDS TWEET

Do you think they ever will come down our road, Ernest?

I expect it will be OK.

They say Hitler's assured Holland and Belgium of his friendship.

Oh, that's nice.

What do you think? It's all right, eh?

I thought firemen had those nice brass helmets with curly tops.

No, blokes have been getting electrocuted in those.

At last!

Churchill's taken over.

- "Blood, toil, tears and sweat." - Ernest!

- Don't. Disgusting. - It's your gentry talking, his words, not mine.

Yes, but he was talking to the common people.

He wouldn't use words like that in his own home.

ERNEST SIGHS

- CHURCHILL: - 'What General Weygand has called the Battle of France is over.

'The Battle of Britain is about to begin.'

'Upon this battle depends'

the survival of Christian civilisation.

But the whole fury and might of the enemy

'must very soon be turned on us.

'Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this island

'or lose the war.'

AIR RAID SIREN

'We can stand up to him,

'all Europe may be free and the life of the world

'may move forward into broad sunlit uplands.

'But if we fail,

'then the whole world, including the United States,

'will sink into the abyss of a new dark age.'

BEEPING

'Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties,

'so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealths

'last for 1,000 years,

'men will still say...

'..this was their finest hour.'

EASY LISTENING MUSIC

"Broad, sunlit uplands."

Good old Winston! Our finest hour!

MUSIC: We'll Meet Again by Ross Parker and Hughie Charles

They're starting to take away our nice gate and railings.

- I'll make a wooden gate. - Oh, it's a shame.

They want saucepans too.

They make 'em into Spitfires.

Funny to think of our front gate being a Spitfire.

ENGINE STARTS UP

DRAMATIC MUSIC

EXPLOSIONS

AIR RAID SIREN

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

EXPLOSION

Front door's halfway up the stairs.

It's spoiled my loose covers.

AMBULANCE BELL RINGS

Could've been worse, Ette.

We got off light.

I'm glad Raymond was well clear of all this.

Perhaps when we've got this mess cleared up

we could take a trip down to Dorset and give him a visit.

Mum! Dad! Look at me!

Look!

Raymond, be careful, dear.

No need to worry about him, Ethel. He's got quite used to things now.

PIGS GRUNT

Oh! Lovely country smells, eh, boysie?

- Are the pigs like that because of the blackout? - Oh, Ette.

- PIG GRUNTS - Ooh!

RAYMOND LAUGHS

Come along, Raymond. We've seen the pigs.

ERNEST LAUGHS

SHEEP BLEAT

He's fitted into the school very well, hasn't he, Flo?

- It's as if he's always been here. - Oh, good...

Mum, the boys at school all have boots.

They're common boys, Ethel, from Lambeth and Bermondsey.

Can I have boots?

Certainly not, Raymond.

RAYMOND GROANS

I've always dreamed of a cottage in the country.

Down here it's hard to believe there's a war on.

Come on, piggies.

BIRDS TWEET

HE STRAINS

That Mr Morrison and his soppy shelter's ruined

my nice dining room.

Government precautions, dear.

Still, at least we won't have to go out into the cold.

- ETHEL LAUGHS - You look like you're in the zoo.

I'll paint it brown to tone in with the furniture.

A nice pastel brown, Ernest.

CLOCK TICKING IN BACKGROUND

Blimey.

What?

Germany's invaded Russia!

I wish I'd betted you sixpence.

AIR RAID SIREN Oh!

Night, dear.

Night.

AIR RAID SIREN CONTINUES

UPBEAT MUSIC

# Singing in the bath tub

# Happy once again... #

Ernest, what on earth are you doing with that ruler?

Marking five inches. You're only allowed five inches of water.

But if you were fat, it would be higher up.

Yeah, well, the King's done it at Buckingham Palace.

It's not fair, fat people getting a deeper bath.

They say you're supposed to share the bath too, darling.

Disgusting!

- We share ours. - But not at the same time.

ERNEST LAUGHS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

AIR RAID SIREN

FIRE ENGINE BELL RINGS

Over here! Go on, go on!

Jerry's got a direct hit.

Those buildings are going to topple.

- Is there anyone in 'em? - Don't know. Hope to God not.

- Ted! - Over here, Ern! On the left. That!

- Go on, left window. - Come on!

Left.

GLASS SMASHES AND MEN SCREAM

Watch out!

DISTANT AMBULANCE BELL

DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS

Oh, at last.

Are you all right?

Tired.

Been in the docks.

14 hours.

Here. Let me get your boots off.

- There. - Loads of dead.

Little kiddie.

All in bits.

I had to...

HE SOBS

There, there.

Have a good cry.

# The holly bears a prickle

# As sharp as any thorn... #

Cor! This Beveridge report! Sickness pay, unemployment pay,

old age pensions, kiddies welfare,

free medicines, free hospitals.

Don't read, Ernest. Help!

Social security from the cradle to the grave.

The welfare state.

It's what the workers have always fought for. We've won!

- It will have to be paid for. - Course it will.

We all chip in, that's the whole idea.

You can't chip in if you're out of work, or off sick, or on a pension.

No, well...

Course not. It's all got to be worked out.

It's economics, see? Economics will see to it.

There.

All done.

# The holly bears a prickle... #

Oh, Ernest.

I know. I know.

# And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ

# On Christmas Day in the morn... #

- Auntie Flo. - Yes, dear?

Mm... I wish I could sleep in my own bed again.

Course you do, dear. That Mr Hitler's on the run now, Raymond.

I'm sure you'll be back in London soon enough.

There. All done.

You there?!

- What's up, Ette? - Dearest, I've been promoted.

- Clerk, grade B3. - Cor!

No more packing parcels in that rotten freezing warehouse?

No, I'm going to work in an office.

THEY LAUGH

And that's not all, Ette.

Look, a letter from our boy.

They reckon he can come home now.

Oh! Oh, Ernest!

RAYMOND STRAINS AND LAUGHS

That's it, son.

# Dig, dig, dig Feel your muscles getting big

# Keep on pushing in the spade

# The turnip tops The potatoes and the carrots

# Cannot sprout without your aid

BOTH: # Don't mind the worms

# Just ignore the squirms

# When your back aches Laugh with glee!

# And keep on digging till we give our foes a wigging

# Dig, dig, dig to victory! #

RAYMOND CHEERS

- Cup of tea, boysie? - Thanks, Dad.

That country air has got you fit.

AEROPLANE NOISES IN BACKGROUND

Dad?

Come on, son!

- Down the shelter! Run! - Take cover!

Doodlebug!

Get down, son! Get down!

THEY STRAIN

Engine's cut out.

Christ, it's coming down!

LOUD EXPLOSION

Cor. That was close.

- I didn't know they were bright blue underneath, Dad. - Come on, son.

Shelter. Before any more of the blighters come over.

AMBULANCE BELL

We'd better get you back down the country tomorrow.

AEROPLANE NOISE IN BACKGROUND

EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION

Crikey, dear. Sounds like a lot got through tonight.

I can't hear anything.

Hold tight, duck.

GLASS SMASHES AND ETHEL SCREAMS

BIRDS TWEET IN BACKGROUND

Some shelter. Full of glass.

Morrison shelters. That Mr Morrison must be a proper twerp.

Good job the boy wasn't in it.

He's only been gone two days.

The old Dorothy Perkins is still in bloom.

She survived.

Pity he didn't take his teddy with him.

ETHEL GASPS

Oh, Ernest.

How much more of this is there going to be?

PIANO MUSIC AND CHEERING

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

- Ernest? - What? - Careful, that's your second glass of beer.

- Victory in Europe, Ette! - Yeah! - CHEERING

MUSIC: The Lambeth Walk by Douglas Furber and L Arthur Rose

- # Any time you're Lambeth way... # - Look! Look at Dad!

# Any evening, any day

# You'll find us all

# Doing the Lambeth walk, oi!

# Every little Lambeth gal

# With her little Lambeth pal

# You'll find 'em all

# Doing the Lambeth walk, oi!

# Everything's free and easy

# Do as you darn well pleasey

# Why don't you make your way there? Go there, stay there! #

Come on, Arthur! It's VE Day!

Cheer up. You look like a dog that's lost its tail!

I lost my boy.

Oh, yeah...

I'm sorry, mate.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Sorry.

PIANO MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

# When you come to the end

# Of a perfect day... #

Cor. Just think, there'll never be another war.

Jessie's Bob is still fighting the Japs, don't forget.

And you can knock this thing down.

CLANKING NOISE

When I finish tidying it.

# ..Or the joy that the day has brought... #

BIRDS TWEET

Look. It's come up.

- What's that, son? - A pear tree.

Auntie Flo gave me the pips from a pear we ate.

Better not get too big, it will block out all the light.

Don't discourage the boy, Ernest.

I like a nice pear.

Darling!

Labour's won!

We're in! ERNEST LAUGHS

Such a shame for poor Mr Churchill.

The working man will be all right now. At last!

He saved our bacon in the war.

- Bloody marvellous. - Ernest!

Mr Churchill never swears. He's a gentleman.

- I'm Labour, Mum. - Shush, dear.

- NEWSREADER: - 'It is now estimated

'that casualties from the atomic bomb

'dropped on the city of Hiroshima could exceed 100,000 dead.'

100,000 dead from one bomb.

Well, at least it will put paid to wars.

- Eh? Why? - Well, you can't fight a war with bombs like that.

- Why not? - Everyone would be dead the first day.

Mm.

Oh!

He's passed the scholarship!

He's going to the grammar school!

Hmm. I hope he won't get too posh for us.

Oh, Ernest.

RAYMOND STRAINS

And there. There we are. Now turn around, sonny. Show Mummy.

Oh, Raymond.

You do look smart.

Oh, wait a minute.

Can't have a dirty face, can we?

Not at the grammar school.

Quite so, madam.

- Languages, eh? - Oh, yes.

He has to do French and Latin. And maths.

Oh, like arithmetic?

No, not just arithmetic. Um, it's called alge...

Um, alge-bra.

Oh. And sport?

- Does he do his football? - Oh, no. They play rugger.

Ethel!

Oh, sorry, must go.

- You shouldn't go on about it to Mrs Bennet, dear. - Why not?

Well, her boy didn't get in anywhere. He's a bricklayer now.

- I don't see why I shouldn't be proud of my own son. - Yeah? Well, OK.

UPBEAT MUSIC

- Hey, hey! - Mum! Look!

- What do you reckon? - Smashing, Dad!

- It's electric, son. - I hope you can keep control of it, Ernest.

- Can I have a go on it? - Just you keep away from it. - Oh... - It's dangerous.

ERNEST LAUGHS See you later.

Bye!

ERNEST WHISTLES

DOG BARKS IN BACKGROUND

Hello, Ern.

Hello, Alf.

Ta.

- How goes it, then? - Oh, not good.

My old lady, she's getting a bit much.

Oh?

- Rows, you mean? Money? - No, no, no. You know...

The other.

- Mm? - It's the change.

She's on the change.

Too demanding. Do you know what I mean?

I can't cope. It's too much for me.

So...if you ever fancy, you know...

- You'd be doing me a favour. - Eh?

What? You mean, er...?

I'll be out next Saturday, football.

Fulham's at home. So...

You mean you...?

Yeah, like I say, you'd be doing me a favour.

ERNEST SNIFFS

Ah, blimey, no. No, mate. No, I couldn't. Sorry, no.

I've got a barrow to push.

Er, no hard feelings.

Nor me neither.

Ta-da, Alf.

- See you, Ern. - Alf!

MUSIC: The Laughing Policeman by Charles Jolly

# I know a fat old policeman

# He's always on our street

# A fat and jolly red-faced man

# He really is a treat

# He's too kind for a policeman

# He's never known to frown

# And everybody says he is the happiest man in town

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... #

- Mrs Briggs? - Yes.

Detective Sergeant Burnley, CID.

Oh, no. Whatever is...?

Your son was apprehended breaking and entering the golf club

and stealing valuable billiard cues.

- No! - He's lucky.

This time we're letting him off with a caution.

In you go, sunshine.

Next time, it will be borstal.

ETHEL GASPS

No. No, it's not possible. He...

He goes to grammar school.

You wicked, wicked boy!

I could kill you!

- Sorry, Mum. - How could you?

Borstal. Borstal!

Whatever's going on?

Well?

THEY CRY

- I see your boy came home in a police van. - Yes.

Yes, he did. That's right.

He's been helping the police with their investigations.

- In a Black Maria? - Yes.

He reported some stolen property he found in the woods.

The Chief Inspector said he was a very clever boy.

Hmm.

Look. More scrap Anderson.

Oh, fits perfect.

We'll own all the coal soon. They're going to nationalise it.

I bet we still have to pay for it.

Of course we'll have to pay for it, you daft ha'p'orth.

So we won't own it then, will we?

Well, er, not exactly, but it means the profits will go

to the government instead of lining the pockets of the bosses.

- And then the government gives the money to us? - No.

So what's the difference, then?

Cor. 50,000 GI brides going to America. Kiddies with them, too.

Children? But they're not married!

Yeah, well.

I expect some of them jumped the gun a bit.

You know what they say about the Yanks - one yank and they're down!

- What are down? - Er, well, I don't know. It's just a saying.

ETHEL HUFFS

Yaaay!

BELL RINGS AND ERNEST LAUGHS

Blimey. There's going to be 1,000 miles of motorway.

A terrific network.

What about the green belt? All that lovely country?

Yeah, well, it will bypass it, I expect.

I thought you said there were going to be lots of bypasses already.

Yeah, well, so there are. It will bypass the bypasses, then.

And what about the ring roads?

Look, it will bypass the ring roads and bypass the bypasses.

- And bypass the green belt? - Yes, and bypass the green belt!

That's all right, then.

Only it does seem a bit of a muddle.

He's passed!

He's passed the school certificate.

It says he's matric...

Matriculated. Or something.

Is that good?

Well, of course it's good!

- What does it mean? - I don't know what it means.

Not our place to know.

ERNEST WHISTLES THE LAMBETH WALK

- Morning, Mr Briggs. - Lovely morning.

ETHEL CRIES

Whatever's the matter, dear?

He says he wants to leave the grammar school and go to art school!

Art school?!

- Oh, blimey. - Such a shame.

He could've gone to Oxford and Cambridge

and got a nice job in an office.

He could've been a foreman, or even maybe a manager.

ETHEL CRIES

There's no money in it.

He'll never earn a living at it.

That lot's all long hair, drink and...

- nude women. - Oh, Ernest!

- NEWSREADER: - 'It was confirmed today

'that Russia has exploded its first atomic bomb.

'The test took place in a remote area of Kazakhstan...'

Russia explosion, atomic bomb.

Oh, blimey. That's been and gawn and done it.

Ernest, do speak properly.

CAT MEOWS

RAYMOND LAUGHS

Dad, when you come home from work, why don't you wash in the bathroom?

Blimey, son. I'm filthy, look.

Yes, I know, but that's what the bathroom is for.

No, I couldn't wash in the bathroom. Not in this state.

But this is the kitchen, Dad. Mum cooks in it.

- Ooh-ooh! - No, I couldn't, son.

- Not in the bathroom. - Oh, Dad!

Hello, dear. Had a good day at college?

FOOTSTEPS THUMP UPSTAIRS

Oh, what's up with him?

They called it adolescence, dear.

They don't understand.

That launderette is a godsend.

I did the whole blessed lot for 2/9 and it's all bone dry.

I could get an electric thermostat for the tank.

Hot water in the summertime, all modern.

Electric thermostat, electric fridge, electric milk float.

My old mum and dad never knew the meaning of the word.

- What word, duck? - Electric!

At home, there was nothing electric in the whole blessed house.

We all grew up all right.

Two of you died as children, dear.

What's that got to do with electric?

Well, it's progress, Ette. Scientific.

It's scientific progress.

Blimey, what's this?

Meat ration to be cut by tuppence.

That's the lowest it's ever been and six years after the end of the war!

We had more meat under Mr Churchill.

Yeah, all right.

- Middle of the Blitz we had more meat. - Yes!

- Battle of Britain... - All right!

You can't blame Hitler now.

No!

Just your Labour Government.

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: Sous le Ciel de Paris by Edith Piaf

- Bye, Mum! - Bye, dear.

Have you finished your sketch?

Just look at the pair of them.

Her in black stockings and just look at his hair!

Well, they're art students, dear.

He'll grow out of it when he gets a proper job.

He'll never get a proper job with hair like that!

Cor blimey.

There's a candidate here in the general election.

Not only is she a woman, but she is 26.

I'm old enough to be her father.

AND she's a Tory. What is the world coming to?

I thought your Labour believed in equal rights for everybody?

Well, yeah, of course, but...blimey!

She's old enough to be married, have a baby, go to work,

drive a car, be in the Army, fly a plane in the war.

Yeah, but...

Blimey. I'd like to see her do my job.

Oh, she doesn't want your job. She wants to be an MP.

- She's educated. - And I'm not, I suppose?

Well, no, you're not educated, are you, dear?

Nor am I.

We couldn't be MPs.

- Aw! - Oh.

Who wants to be an MP anyway, eh?

THEY CHUCKLE

Cheese ration cut to 1oz!

Seven years after the war - 1oz.

It's not enough for a mousetrap.

There's your Tory government for you, look.

Your Mr Churchill's cheese.

I hope you washed your hands before touching that cheese.

It's my call-up papers.

- ETHEL GASPS - I'm going in the Royal Corps of Signals.

Well, don't you go and get sent to that Korean War.

Oh, that's all over, bar the shouting.

It isn't! Mrs Hammond's boy, Michael,

was killed there only last week.

Blimey, was he?

He used to help me on the milk round when he was a nipper.

He was just 19.

Then, when you come to attention...

Attention!

You have to slam your boot down so hard

- the blood spurts through your lace holes. - Oh, don't, dear.

It's true, mum.

- Are you going to do parachute jumping, son? - No.

I'm going to be a draughtsman in an office.

Oh, good. That's nice, an office.

And thank goodness you've had a proper haircut at last.

ERNEST LAUGHS

Mrs Morgan's boy is going to be an officer.

- Oh, yeah? - Don't you want to be an officer, dear?

Not likely, Mum. They want head boys, team captains,

prefects, preferably public-school.

I'm just a common little suburban grammar school oik.

Oh, but the uniform is so much nicer, dear.

And you could wear nice brown shoes.

Boots - they're so common.

RINGING TONE

Our very own phone.

Who'd have believed it?

Oh, dear, what shall I do if it rings when you're out?

Well, answer it, you daft ha'p'orth!

I don't think I like it.

- PHONE RINGS - Argh!

Oh, quick, quick, quick, Ernest! It's going off!

Ahem!

Hello?

Yes?

No.

Oh, right, goodbye.

Wrong number, dear.

MUSIC: Theme from Dixon Of Dock Green

Oh, Ernest.

It's just like the pictures.

Yes, we might get Victor McLagen.

- He's dead. - They could still put him on.

Oh, I prefer Tyrone Power.

He's more modern.

PHONE RINGS

ETHEL SIGHS

You get it, Ernest.

PHONE STOPS RINGING

Oh, blessed thing!

Fancy our little boy having a motor bike.

It's a scooter, Ette.

Lambretta. They're Italian.

He's far too young for motorbikes.

And I see it's back to the long hair already.

Well, he's demobbed now, dear.

Cheerio, Mum! Cheerio, Dad!

- Bye, dear! - Bye, son!

He's got three certificates now.

Yeah, but they're only art certificates.

They won't get him a job.

One is from London University.

- Yeah, I know, but... - He can put letters after his name.

Just like a doctor.

CAT MEWS

Hello, Susie.

It says they're wanting to legalise homosexuality.

Oh.

What's that?

Well, you know.

It's like two blokes...

only instead of with a woman,

it's sort of with one another, like.

I don't know what you're rambling on about, Ernest,

and I don't think you do either.

I'll put the kettle on, shall I, duck?

A nice cup of tea.

SHE TUTS

Surprise, dear!

- What? - Hey, presto!

Mind, the sun will fade my loose covers.

Look.

What?

- Do you see anything? - No.

Nothing new, different?

No.

That green car?

Well, what about it?

Triumph Herald, it wasn't there yesterday.

There's always different cars stuck outside our house nowadays.

Well, that one is special.

What's special about it?

It's ours!

Oh, don't be daft, Ernest.

Come on, dear. Get in.

Oh, er...

I don't like to. I've still got my pinny on.

- And I haven't done my hair. - Come on!

Is it really yours?

Ours, darling.

Shut the door, we'll go for a spin.

I didn't know you could drive a proper car.

ERNEST LAUGHS

Letter from Raymond.

Crumbs! The average male manual worker earns

£13, 2s and 11d a week. Blimey!

- I must be below average, then. - Oh, it doesn't apply to you, Ernest.

You're not a manual worker.

Oh, he's going to be a teacher.

Oh, good. That's a bit more regular.

- It's in a college of art. - That's better.

Thank God it's not just an art school.

- Part-time. - Well, part-time is no good.

That's more for women.

One-day a week, look.

Blimey.

He gets almost as much for one day as I get for the whole bloody week.

Ernest!

Oh, "See you on the 30th.

"I'll be bringing...Jean with me."

MUSIC: Little Things By Dave Berry

Here they come, Ette.

Hello, Mum. Dad.

This is Jean.

Hello, Jean.

Hello.

Hello, dear.

Oh! Look at you.

Here's a comb.

RAYMOND SIGHS

Mum, I haven't seen you for a month.

I've just brought my future wife to meet you.

I do not want a comb!

Right then.

JEAN GIGGLES I'll, um...put the kettle on.

RAYMOND SIGHS

Sorry, Mum.

Oh, come and sit down, dear.

Lovely to see you.

And you too, Jane.

Jean, Mum.

I thought you'd like...

Oh, thank you, dear.

Whatever is it?

- It's a bottle of wine, Mum. - Wine!

- Oh, dear. I don't know... - Got a corkscrew anywhere?

Wine! Oh, dear.

- It's all right, Mum. It won't explode. - I don't like bangs.

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

- Bye, Mum. Bye, Dad. - Cheerio, son.

I do wish you'd get a nice car, dear.

A van is cheaper, Mum.

- No purchase tax! - But a car is so much nicer.

Bye!

- She was a nice kid, wasn't she? - She didn't say much.

She's shy. Very shy.

Like you, sweetheart.

Hair all over the shop.

- Too tall. - She can't help that, dear.

- She's all legs. - Never mind her legs, Ernest.

She needs a perm and he needs a good haircut.

Oh, no.

He says they're going to get married in a registry office.

- Well, that's the modern way, Ette. - Oh, it's horrible.

Yes, but neither of them is religious.

I don't want him to be religious,

I just want him to get married in a church!

It's so much nicer.

And when are you going to start a family, dear?

Well, I don't know, really, Mum.

- Probably not at all. - Goodness me, why ever not?

I want to be a granny.

Well, Jean's got problems, Mum.

Brain trouble.

- Brain trouble? - Yeah.

Well, that's what I call it, as a sort of joke.

She goes in and out of the loony bin.

You mean she's...

- (WHISPERS) She's mental? - Yeah, well, that's one word for it.

The other word is schizophrenia.

Oh, dear.

Poor thing.

So, I won't be a granny after all.

Never mind, Mum.

What a dump.

"Dump"?!

Mum, the Government has designated this

an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

An AONB - it's official.

Well, I still say it's a dump.

The South Downs are at the end of the garden.

I give up, I give up.

BIRDS TWEET, SHEEP BLEAT

Son, it's the sort of place I always dreamed about.

I know, Dad.

I know.

They seem very happy down there, despite the schizo business.

Yes, I suppose so.

I was hoping he'd send his washing home.

Oh, Et, don't be daft. He's married!

Yes, I know.

What's that?

My retirement certificate.

37 years' service with the Royal Arsenal Co-operative Society.

I'm not sure I want that on the front room wall.

Well, that's where it's going, Ethel.

- ON RADIO: - 'It's one small step for man...

'..one giant leap for mankind.'

Cor blimey!

Man on the moon, Ette.

- Oh. - Man on the moon.

Fantastic, eh?

What's he doing there?

Well, just walking about a bit.

And then what?

Come back, I suppose.

Perhaps they'll have a picnic.

That'd be nice.

I think the tea would blow away when it came out of the thermos.

Why? Is it windy up there?

No, it's gravity, dear.

Oh, I see.

Look. He's going to pick up some pebbles to take home.

Just like kiddies at the seaside.

Turn it off, will you?

Did you have a good journey, dear?

Oh, yes. OK, Mum.

Fine, fine.

Much traffic on the road?

Well, the A23 was a bit choked up, wasn't it?

But after Sutton, it sort of thinned out a bit and, you know...

got better.

Here's a comb, dear.

Thanks, Mum.

Remember we used to bring the pram up here?

It's me in the pram now.

They used to do nice teas in the balcony before the war.

Waitresses in aprons and caps.

We never did go, did we, dear?

Yes. It was lovely.

The yobbos smashed all the windows.

Well, that's your Labour Party for you.

ETHEL GASPS AND MOANS

- Mr Biggs! Mr Briggs! - What?

Is there a telephone? I need to call an ambulance.

Downstairs, Doctor. Front room.

Ethel?

MUSIC: In Dulci Jubilo

Why are they all staring at me?

Oh, they're not staring at you, Mum. It's the television.

They've put it right by your bed.

I don't like them staring at me and I don't like being in Charity Ward.

It doesn't mean charity, Mum.

It's a girl's name.

What's that music?

I can hear music.

Carols, Mum.

On the television. It's Christmas.

There's the tree, look.

Oh, I hope I'll be home in time for Christmas.

- When is it? - It was yesterday, Mum.

You had your presents yesterday.

Look at all your cards.

Mm? Lovely flowers.

Yes, lovely.

Aren't I a lucky girl?

Listen, dear.

(Who was that old man in here just now?)

Oh, Mum.

That was Dad.

Dad?

You know, Ernest?

Your husband.

My husband?

Yes.

Not Victor McLagen?

No, Mum.

I thought he was dead.

Lovely...

lovely flowers, Mum.

Oh, yes. Lovely.

Aren't I a lucky girl?

Son?

Is that you?

'Yes.'

The hospital, they just phoned.

- 'Oh, right.' - She's...

I'm going up there.

- 'I'll leave now.' - OK.

- I'll see you there. - 'Bye, Dad.'

RAYMOND CRIES Steady on, old son.

Steady on.

Why's she on a trolley.

I don't know, son.

Look, bloody tissues and things right by her face.

They've put her teeth in all crooked.

I know, son.

I don't know.

I still keep laying the table for two, duck.

Daft, isn't it, Susie puss?

Nice daffs, aren't they?

NEWS THEME MUSIC

- NEWSREADER: - '..Retailers tell the Government they accept...'

I'll get cocoa in a minute, dear.

'..employers offered to resume paying for...'

CLOCK TICKS

Goodnight, Susie. SUSIE MEWS

Argh!

Oh!

Argh!

Aargh!

Ohh!

SUSIE MEOWS

It's OK, Susie.

PHONE RINGS

HE PANTS

I suppose I'd better get the Salvation Army to take it all away.

I grew it from a pip.

# I can see your shadow

# Underneath the moon

# Maybe a winter cloudburst

# Heading this way soon

# Heading this way soon

# In the blink of an eye

# Many songs have been sung

# Many lives have gone by

# We will never give up

# We will hold on to love

# With no reason to cry

# In the blink of an eye

# Many songs have been sung

# Many lives have gone by

# We will never give up

# We will hold on to love

# With no reason to cry

# I can see your shadow

# Underneath the moon

# Maybe a winter cloudburst

# Heading this way soon. #

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