Original subtitles

Hello, Helen... I' d almost forgotten you work here

I know, I know, you'd almost forgotten I work here...

but I swear I was up all night toying with ideas for the fashion show...

...and I've really hit on something. You see...

What?

I took four bottles of vodka on Friday, it was my birthday, you know that

I was having a party and I was running late, so I borrowed some

I bought some more to replace it

Not a lot of use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives

who dropped by late Friday

Off the top of my head, you could have told them you'd run out

It's, it's popular stuff

Bullshit, bullshit... We're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?

But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?

No

So I'm out... am I?

Well, this is just perfect

Congratulations. You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it.

Very well done

For theft. Pretty foolproof

Okay, I'll go... I'll go

I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place

Best I get out before I start growing a penis

Oh! Told you... lesbian

I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?

No Oops

Thank you

District Line information. Due to a derailment at Victoria...

...District Line trains are subject to extensive delay

We suggest you find alternative means of transport

Are you all right, love? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut

Might need a couple of stitches... Come on

Oh-oh... Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?

What?

'Elastic Thrombosis'. They're guilty of lyric poaching

They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?

I don't know, sorry

Of course you do. Come on, everyone is born knowing all

the Beatles' lyrics instinctively

They're passed into the foetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff

In fact, they should be called 'The Foetles'

Not a fan, clearly

It's funny the way nobody talks on the tubes, isn't it?

I mean, I rarely catch the tube myself but, er... or lifts

Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why is that?

Perhaps we think everyone else in the tube or the lift

is a potential psychopath or a drunk...

...so we close down and pretend to... read a book or something

You've got a terrible tea stain on your book

Look, I don't think you're a psychopath. I just want to read my book

I, I understand. I apologise

I'm in a little bit of a good mood today as a matter of fact so I'll just

...sorry

Have we met before?

No, no, honestly, honestly, I'm, you... you seem familiar

I don't think so

Yes... Yes, you were in the lift just now

You dropped your earring, I picked it up

Oh yes, you did... Thank you

Pleasure

Do you work there?

I did do but I've just been fired. Okay?

Oh no, that's... that's horrible, I'm sorry

It's okay, you didn't do it

I thank you for your concern and glad you're in a good mood, et cetera

I thank you for picking up my earring but... I just want to read my book

Well, I get off at this stop. I'm only telling you in case

you get off at this stop, too...

...and you get up before me and then I get up and you think

I'm following you which I'm not

I mean, I wouldn't. I mean...

...you know

I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me

I'm really not a nutcase... I apologise

Excuse me. Um, I'm sorry

I, I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything, it's just that, um

...I'm not, I'm not that good at, um... you know, um...

Constructing sentences?

Anyway...

I'm James

Helen

I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry

You went back to America, remember? I couldn't afford the bus fares

I came back though

Turn my back for three lousy years and you callously ditch me for another woman

Mmm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous

I live with someone. A man. I live with a man

Really?

Mmm! I have people consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much

And what would he say if he knew you were walking up from the tube in broad daylight

...with a complete stranger? Mmm, big deal

Well, it was nice to meet you, Helen... Sorry about your job, really

I suppose being a Gemini can have its down sides

Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say?

What..."Always look on the bright side of life"?

No..."Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

What?

I didn't think you liked Elton John

I, I do, I do sometimes

You really shouldn't just stop like that. Set a woman back three days

doing a thing like that

Who is she?

She's Lydia

Well, I've had a dreadful day

I got sacked. And so did you it would seem

Cup of tea?

That'd be nice

You bastard! You bastard!

You useless shagging bastard!

I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva

I am working all hours to support you while you are supposedly writing your first novel

How long? Huh?

Do you love her?

No, don't tell me, I'm not interested

I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am

Look, er... Iook...

Hello? Helen? Is that you?

No, it's your bit of stuff. Wednesday... shag day, remember?

Have you just got up, you lazy git?

Er, no. Er... well I, er...

...I didn't sleep that well last night and then, er...

you know when you left I kind of... I went into a really, er...

...a really, really deep, deep, er, deep, deep sleep

And, er... I think I might be, er, coming, coming down with, er... anyway, er

...what are you doing home at this time of...

Oh my God, what happened to you?

Well, it depends. Which story do you want first?

What?

Well... I got mugged. And...

What are you doing?

I can't stand Elton John. You know that

Well, anyway... listen, tell me...

...what happened? What happened to your head?

Well, I got mugged and sacked only not in that order

Although it wasn't an actual mugging, it was only an attempted mugging

according to the policeman...

...because they didn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a sec, wait a sec.

Come here... Come here

Now sit down. Just sit here. Okay?

Now... now you're in shock, darling, okay. You've had a bit of

a little bit of a shock. Okay? Now just relax

Um... do you want a brandy?

It's four in the afternoon

Of course it is... sorry

Gerry!

Are you okay?

Me? I'm fine... Um, I'm fine. I'm just... No, anyway, anyway

Tell, tell, tell me what happened

And I just couldn't help thinking...

if I had just caught that bloody train it would never have happened

I'd have been home ages ago

Oh, well, you don't want to go wondering about things like that

You know, um,'if only this', and 'what if that'. I mean...

It's done now

Come on

Follow

Splash

I'm going to take you out...

and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then...

Dry Thank you

Um, and then follow, follow, follow, follow, follow...

and then when you've sung all your favourite Barbra Streisand songs

at the top of your voice...

and got us slung out of the pub...

Ah, here we are. Yeah, put this on

I'm going to let you have intimate carnal knowledge of a Lamb Passanda

...which I know your diet does not allow, with a...

...double Tarka Dahl which you can then, er...

...puke up all over the, er... pristine doorstep of Herr

and Frau Goebbels next door and...

I'll help you

Oh, I love you, Gerry

Gerry! She's not here!

Anna, you're Helen's best friend. I mean, where else would she be?

Come in and search the place if you want. She's not here, Gerry

What is it you've done anyway? It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you

Okay, look, I, I'm sorry. Look, if she comes here...

...just let me know or, or get her to ring me or, or something

That's all I ask

Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend

If she comes here I'll do what she asks

Well, she's got a point... You can't stand Elton John

Russell, forget about Elton John. That's not the issue. What do I do?

Gerry...

you've been telling me for weeks you couldn't hack it juggling

between Helen and Lydia...

...and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again

I know

And you didn't think you were cut out for infidelity

I know

But you couldn't end it with Lydia, 'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it

And I told you that something if you remember my words,

something 'ungoverned by you' would happen...

...to bring the situation to a head

And... something has

It's not funny actually, Russell

No, I'm sorry, old man... I beg to differ

It is funny. It's very, very, very funny

And look at you, it's not as though you're rushing frantically

about the place trying to find her

I went to Anna's. She wasn't there

Oh, you went to Anna's. Boy, you're a one man SAS crack unit

You want my opinion?

Will I like it?

Well, of course not... It'll be based on reality

No, no, no. You don't advertise a new restaurant. It's very uncool

It's word of mouth... People talk

And how do these people who talk know where you are so that they can talk about you?

Hey, listen, it's your restaurant, Clive. I just want it to work

Helen

Hello, James. Rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube

Oh yes, hi

You look all stressed up with nowhere to go

It's only a job, you'll get another one

No, it's something else, isn't it?

You know sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud

Of course it also helps if people just mind their own business

and leave you alone. I'm sorry

When I left you at the tube earlier, I went home and found my boyfriend...

...in bed with another woman. Shit!

Oh, I'm sorry. It's... I mean, what an idiot

It's okay, you weren't to know

No, not me, your boyfriend. He's an idiot

Sorry, it's not my place

It's okay

Well, look, if it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke over there?

Not only does he own a personalised matching set of crocodile skin luggage...

...but his favourite TV programme is'Baywatch'

So you see there's always someone sadder than you

Do you love him?

No, I could never love a 'Baywatch' fan

Hey, you did a joke in the midst of your turbulent emotional state

That's very positive

Listen, you decide you want company we're over here... Okay?

I'm really sorry, Helen

Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please...

...and a large Jack Daniels with ice, and I'll have the same

You're behind. Can we have another?

Fifteen?

Gerry came looking for you

Is it what I think?

Depends

Is what you think that I walked in on him shagging 'Lydia' in my bed and I walked out?

Pretty much

Then, yes

Oh, hold up... hold up

This morning was sensational

Oh, I can't... sorry, I can't hear you

I can't hear you

Gerry, can you hear me?

Didn't know it was on

Ready, steady, go!

I'll see you, Clive

Who's that?

My friend

Come on, you... Let's get you home. You drunken eejit

And again

Come along

Can I give you a lift anywhere?

Er... yeah. That, that'll be great, thank you

Oh, hands up if you drank too much, eh?

Hey... I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am

Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight

Um, 9 Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot

French bean, some chicken, some rice...

...one more little Indian

No. Oh, come on. Really, I'll be sick

Well, we're on schedule for that but we've gotta move location...

...so just don't swallow for ten minutes

He didn't fancy me

He, he offered us a lift. He was just being concerned

Uh-huh... Well let me tell you, if he was being that concerned about me

...I wouldn't be helping you into bed right now

Am I in bed?

Yes... You're staying with me for a while

Don't worry... You'll be fine

Just fine

There we go. There we go

Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead?

You have two head problems

One: That was close... Very close

Put in layman's terms... she nearly caught you

And two... and this is far more worrying than the first one

You're talking to yourself in the mirror again

Really bad sign

No, bigger sip... big, bigger sip. Bigger sip... Don't throw up all over me

There are no PR jobs

I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry

What you need is a change of image

Er, you know that goes back like and then like I don't know sort of comes like slant

No, no... That's for you, sir

Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up 'mad cow' burgers in here, eh?

Well now then, let me see

I get up about seven thirty a. M...

...make and deliver sandwiches in the West End during the day...

...before I come here about six o' clock and finish at midnight

After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job

Would you like some mayonnaise with that?

You don't mean that

I do... Really

So... you were together two and a half years, and...

...you've been sitting here like suicide on a stick for a week

Nine days, Anna

But bollocks to him?

Yes. I mean why hasn't he even called to see if I'm okay to admit that he's a twat?

"Hello, Helen, it's Gerry

I'm a twat. Please come home, I love you. " All that shit

Oh, I don't care anyway Bollocks to him. I'm over him

Oh... you're over him

Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him

No, you're not

I am

You're not

Anna, I'm over him. What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?

Well, two things really

One: You're still counting how long you've been apart in days...

...and probably hours and minutes

But... the big flashing red light way of telling you're not really over someone

...is when you're still reading their horoscope...

in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident

Smart arse

What is he?

A wanker

Oh, Aries

Aries. Aries

Well... just shows how much I know

With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy... you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident

...and Helen says bollocks to you This guy's very good

You go. No, I will. No, you

I'm not in, I'm out. You don't know where or who with

Specially who with

Quickly, go on

I am not answering the door like this

Anna, please, you have to. It won't be him anyway

So there's no big deal, is there?

Bollocks to him

Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him

Bollocks to him

Come on. You don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite

Haircut suits you by the way. No, it does. It does, no gag

Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles, page one

Look, James, maybe I shouldn't be here

I'm sorry, I'm not being fair

You know, under normal... circumstances, et cetera... you're really nice... and funny

My friend Anna thinks you're cute

Wait, hold, hold

Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?!

Shit, I just blew, wait...

Two eighty-five, two eighty-five on the wrong girl

Helen, listen...

sometimes we are plonked into people's lives when they just need to be cheered up and reassured

...and it turns out that for some reason it's your job

We don't know why. In your case it's my job

But I'll be honest...

the fact that I find you... moderately attractive just makes the job easier on my part

My intentions are completely honourable I have no desire to overstep the mark, seriously

D'you prefer diamonds or sapphires?

Sorry, nothing

'Moderately attractive'?

Uh-huh, I knew you were listening

Well, you know, lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade

So... having firmly established the ground rules...

...what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?

Probably killing myself

Excellent. What time does that finish?

Do you like boats?

D'you know we haven't done that for two months

Don't be daft

Two months... Almost to the day

Almost to the day? Listen to you what are we, a survey?

Gerry...

...how did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses get into the laundry basket?

To the where?

The laundry basket

I don't know. Can I answer questions on 70s pop music?

Last week, when I got the sack and I came back, am I going mad?

But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the dressing table, wasn't there?

I don't know. I mean, I couldn't really say

Well, there were, I'm sure

Oh, hang on, no, wait a minute. No, I, no, I could say

There was a bottle and one glass because if you...

No, I'm certain there were two glasses, Gerry

Helen, I'm... not sure I like where this conversation is going

I, I told you, I couldn't sleep so I got up in the night...

to get a drink to knock myself out It was still there

in the afternoon when you got home

I mean you had also, that day if, if you remember had taken a blow

to the, the, the, the head

We'd just had a party

Maybe one of your mad friends like Anna threw it there

I mean, Jesus

Let's, let's spoil the moment properly, shall we?

What are you trying to say?

Am I shagging a brandy drinker? Yes

Gerry, ease up, will you, for Christ's sake. I'm only asking

Oh, no, women never ask. No, they don't ask, they insinuate

And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add, that I am...

Thanks

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, thank you, thanks

I mean... I mean thank you... thank you

I mean this, you know, this, this is the... this is the right time,

isn't it, to address our, our relationship, isn't it?

I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect. Perfect moment

Gerry, for God's sakes, I asked a simple question

There's no need to become Woody Allen

Thanks, James. I'm sorry if you had a lousy time

Are you kidding?

In my book getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes

in the one sitting represents social splendour

It's one of the perks of being shallow

Take care, Helen. You'll be fine

Thank you very much

It's amazing how you can actually learn to despise inanimate objects...

...like tin openers that don't open tins...

...egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna

Are you going out?

Yeah. I was just writing you a note

I'm off to the library. I have some stuff to read up on

Okay

Yeah, well... I won't be more than a couple of hours

Would you rather I didn't go?

Oh no, no, of course not. Go

Okay, bye

Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me

I said I was going to the library...

...so I've come to the library, for God's sake!

Of course I can't come now, I mean what if she's still lurking

or waiting round the corner or something?

Lydia, I don't know why she followed me.

I'm not a sleuth! I have taken two hours off work, Gerry...

Oh, look, look, please. No, okay, please don't get hysterical

Don't get hysterical. Look, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry

I've booked a hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?

Do you wanna cancel it? I mean, is, is she gonna follow us there?

Do you wanna end this Gerry because I am...

Yes, I, I, I mean no. I, I mean, no, I, I don't want

Of course we're still going. I don't... don't, don't...

Don't, don't, don't, don't what?

I don't know

Look... we're going to dorset, okay. We're going to have a great time... and, er

...I'll talk to you tomorrow

Right, that's the lot. You don't live there anymore

Thanks for going again, Anna

Any evidence of 'her'?

Nothing that stood out

Hello?

Hi, it's James. Is Helen there?

Helen

It's James

Hello?

Yes, 'tonight' tonight, you know the tonight that comes immediately after today

He wants to go out tonight

Go

Please come, it'll be a laugh

Um... okay

See you

Okay?

She doesn't wanna leave here

I know

She's really frail, James. Do you want me to postpone my trip?

There's another course later in the year

It's only a couple of weeks. You should go

Are you sure? It's not that important

It is important. I want you to go

Okay

It's going to be hard to leave this place, James, but...

But you've still got the London flat

You'll be nearer the hospital and you can get much better crack in town

Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say...

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition", I know

Exactly

...sorry, let me just...

...Lydia's becoming more and more demanding...

and you, you feel bad because Helen's working night and

day to keep the money coming in

But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you...

knowing that she wouldn't be able to... to cover up the fact...

that you're really taking Lydia And, and despite the fact that...

Lydia gave you an 'out' on the phone, which you didn't take...

...you are having a moral dilemma

Gerry... you are a morality free zone

If I had no morals, would I be discussing it?

Whose idea was this trip... yours or Lydia's?

You wanna get out of this Lydia thing

I foresee problems

And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking to yourself in the mirror again

Very bad sign

You've no compassion... None

Why do I bother confiding in you?

I'm your mate. I'm here to help you

I'm here to help you

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Our chief weapon is surprise

Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise

Our two, two chief weapons are surprise and fear

And a ruthless efficiency. Our three...

...three main weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency

I'll come in again

Here we go

Pass me your plate

How do you do, Nigel? Very nice to meet you

You all right?

I am deadly serious

Oh, just set up my own PR company?

Yeah, well, why not?

You've got the experience... the know-how, the contacts

You want to spend the rest of your life working for other people?

Hey, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

Um, I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser

Exactly, so what is there to worry about?

I had a really nice time, James

Did you? Oh, shit. Sorry, that's against the rules, isn't it?

Yes, it is, so just bear that in mind in the future, would you?

I'm getting over a major break-up

Yeah, sorry... Won't happen again

Goodnight, Helen

Hey... you know everything happens for the best

You'll never know if you don't try

Wear something warm on Saturday... Can get cold on the river

Take care

So, what other ideas has James run by you?

Anna, don't do that. Don't do 'desperate mother' acting with me

He's a friend. Okay? A friend

not remotely in him No

So how come last night was the first night since you've been here... you didn't ask

if anyone had called the second you walked in the door?

You're sorry?

You're sorry that four of the staff here have been cut down... with food poisoning

after eating your sandwiches?

And before you speak, yes...

...they all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time

Are you trained in the catering trade, may I ask?

No, actually I worked in PR but I...

Well, you're not doing a particularly good PR job this morning, are you?

Luckily for you I've convinced my colleagues not to take the matter any further

This time

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have five people's work to do

Sorry?

Helen has been delivering sandwiches to your office?

Yes... And today I had reason to summon her

Well I made up a reason, to be brutally honest

She's quite pretty in a British horsey sort of way, isn't she?

Lydia... what are you playing at?

Have you gone raving mad? She's not bloody stupid, you know

I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like

Now, now, now, now wait a sec. Now I did not ditch you for...

I mean, you went back to America for...

I wanted to see what this girl you seem to have no intention of leaving...

despite the occasional pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are...

...has that is so unleavable

And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a bit of a loss

Now, Lydia, don't talk like this. Now it sounds ugly

Now I've told you before, I cannot leave Helen for... for...

you know

For me?

Is that what you're trying say?

You can't leave her for me?

Well, you haven't said you wanted that, have you?

Gerry, I'm a woman

We don't say what we want.

But we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it

That's what makes us so fascinating

And not a little bit scary

Hello?

Ah, Gerald Flannigan, at last

This is your kindly Uncle Russell here

Listen...

...wherever you were tonight as if we need to ask, you weren't with me

Helen called here looking for you

Okay

Yeah, all right

Okay, thanks, mate. Bye

Oh, thank God, I was so worried. Where have you been?

I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face

I've had a horrible day

I met Cruella de Ville's less nice sister this morning...

...she completely deflated me

I know

How do you know?

Oh, no, I mean I can tell. Jesus, you look terrible

Where were you earlier? I really needed to talk to you

Oh, I had some stuff to read up on so I went to the library

God, you're always at the library

I'm sick of waiting on tables

I know when you finish the book we'll be millionaires but...

...when are you going to finish it?

I'm going to finish it very soon, Helen

Very soon

Helen, there's something I want to tell you

I need to tell you

Er... it's a little bit to do with the... brandy glass and, er...

...a little bit to do with that woman... you met today

Only... please let me finish before you say anything

Okay?

Helen?

Bollocks

Come on, James!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

That's really weird

I knew there'd be a boat race going by with purple and white shirts

Sorry?

Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?

He has... I've got to work

Anyway it'll be good for him to get away. We need a bit of space

Anna, can I ask you a daft question?

Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?

Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do. It was almost certainly me

Are you okay?

Just going quietly mad

Thank God for that. I was worried

Faster

And to my left...

And to my right...

And with my left...

And with my right...

And with the 'head'...

Father Abraham 'head' had seven sons, 'head', 'head'

Seven sons had Father Abraham 'head'

Are you sure it's just writer's block?

I mean, you seem so distant

I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything

Hey, that's Helen in there

Look, she's got blonde hair

There's loads of them... having some kind of sponsored epileptic fit

Lydia

Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry

Maybe it's Helen block

I don't want to hear about Helen. I don't care about Helen

The trouble is... you do, quite clearly

I just thought of a great finish for your book!

The End!

Yes, you are, Clive

He's opening his first restaurant in six days...

...and he's completely disorganised

Well, you know at my old company we had 'wars ' getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open

You did Pierre Claude?

Mmm Er, he's my hero. You did his launch?

Well I heard that was a really classy do. People went on about it

I mean, six days is...

...could I come down and take a look?

I can't promise anything stupendous

Sure, yeah. Yeah, no problem... You're kidding?

Yeah, come down

Pierre Claude? Oh, wow!

You're very thoughtful, James. You give out an incredible amount

Oh, you're the same. You encouraged me today

I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing

Spurred me on

I love this bridge. My great grandfather helped to build it

I often come and... stand on it when I want to, um...

Build a bridge?

I'm sorry

Oh God, James, don't

Oh... I'm sorry. I, I...

...I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment...

...you know, night, moon, boat, water lapping...

...you know, it's, um... it's perfect and I'm...

...I'm not not feeling that it would be nice...

...but I don't really know anything about you and I'm...

...I'm still on the rebound

Oh God, I hate that word but I am

Ah, who isn't? Everyone is

I'm on the rebound myself... in a way...

So, who are you on the rebound from?

A girl called Pamela

My whole life pivots around. Pam and I breaking up

When was that?

1973, we were eight

I bloody loved that woman

No warning, just up gone... left me for somebody else

Who?

Gary Glitter! The cow

Gary Glitter, for crying out loud!

I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy or...

I could have come to terms with that, given time

But Gary. Oh she wanted to 'touch him there, yeah'

You know?

Well, I went to pieces as you can imagine

And there was no 'junior Prozac' to see me through so...

So I, er, I, um...

I kissed you

Yeah, yeah, I spotted that too

You weren't gonna do that

Um, hmm... would you mind, um... just putting that down to

a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?

Is that what it was?

No

Y-yes, I don't... Oh, help

I, I don't want to be a confusion in your life, Helen. I don't truly

But something's happened to me since I've met you and...

...that I wasn't expecting and... and I don't really...

...well, well wasn't expecting

Repetition of expecting. Must buy a thesaurus

Anyway, I...

You did remember to take a full page ad in 'Adulterer's Weekly'? Jesus!

Lydia, get in the car, will you?

How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?

He didn't even pay the bill? Of course not. What do you think?

Um I'm, I'm just... Would you excuse me, please? I've just remembered I, I'm...

What do you mean you want to see me?

Jesus Christ, Gerry, what... How did you get in?

One of the waiters is, is a, a friend of Russell's

He got me a ticket. It's a great do, Helen

I, I hear your company's really taken off...

Gerry, you can't just turn up like this

This is a really important night for me

Yes, I can, Helen

I can 'just turn up'. It, it's the most important 'just turn up' I've ever done

Oh God. We, we can't talk in here

We've been through too much just to drop this. Haven't we? Surely

Helen...

...please, look at me

I'm sorry

Really sorry

You're too good not to fight for. The last...

Oh God, Gerry, don't talk about fight. I...

Good looking bloke

Are you seeing him? Er...

I, I'm sorry, it's not my place to ask

Is that him?

Guess so

Does she know about Claudia?

No

I really like her, Clive

I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly

Gerry, I really have to go back inside

Will you come and see me, Helen?

Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say. I miss you

Will you come and see me?

Please, Helen

I'll go.

Thanks for listening. I...

...I'm really proud of you

Are you okay?

Yes. Just a bit dizzy

Too much champagne

Oh, sorry

Bye now

Hey... It's official... I love you

Thank you. You're... you're a genius. I'm ecstatic

Have you, er, have you seen James?

Yeah. Yeah, he had to go... early start. He apologised

Business trip... Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry

His secretary wasn't very forthcoming

D'you believe he's away?

Don't know

Or do you think he's just avoiding you?

I don't know

Did you leave a message?

No

D'you think maybe you should have? Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?

I don't know

D'you think he might be hoping you've called and not known that you have?

I mean... did you not check if he has a mobile?

Anna! Ease up, will you? Bloody hell!

They have less questions than this on 'Jeopardy'

I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone. I felt awkward

Well, it's such a piddly little thing. It's hardly worth him getting up tight about

Oh, Gerry called by the way

Terrific. That's just...

Two months ago I want Gerry to come round, James comes round

Now I want James to call, Gerry calls

It was the weirdest dream. You were there

And you had a funny mask over your face...

...and you had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it

Well that does it, I'm afraid. I'm, er, taking away your class one drugs for a week

Anyway... um... there's something else I wanted to tell you

I fainted at work the other night

Oh, sweetheart. Are you okay?

Yes, but I don't normally faint so I, um...

What was that?

I don't know. The people next door are plainly engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual

I may pop in later and introduce myself

What were you saying?

Anyway...

...I don't normally faint so I was a little curious...

Oh shit...

...I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath

God, sounds horrific

I know

Ssshhh! Anyway...

Listen, there, there's the landlady.

She keeps coming up with these, er... corned beef sandwiches

Look I, I'll phone you back when, er, world war twelve has stopped for tea. Okay

Okay, bye

So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant

I just though you might like to know

Have you gone completely insane?

What are you trying to do?

What do you mean 'what am I trying to do'? I think I've broke my toe

Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake

In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here

She thinks I'm on a research trip... along. Remember?

I remeber

Don't worry, I remember. It's pretty hard to forget

So what are you trying to do? Huh?!

Coming in here... screeching the place down when I'm on the phone

Don't you know, Gerry?

Don't you know what I am trying to do?!

I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry

I am trying to win you back!

It's fairly simple. I am standing on the platform at Limbo Central...

...with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase...

...waiting for the Gerry fucking Express to roll in...

...and tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train

Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed

...as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City!

"We suggest you take the bus!"

That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!

Except it's quite clear...

...that that is never going to happen

Is it?

No reply

Perfect

So I... I'm not waiting any more, Gerry

I am cashing my ticket in. I am taking that bus

Oh God...

I tell all my friends "never go back"

Look at me, I must be crazy

Don't phone me for a while

Ow! Oh! No... don't phone me at all!

Ever!

It's over!

Again!

I've done it, Russell. I've bloody done it!

Excellent. Congratulations. Done what?

I've finished it

Oh, the book... Oh well, great, mate, that's great

Not the book, not the book, Russell

I'm a novelist, I'm never gonna finish the book...

The affair!

The affair! The sordid affair with Lydia

I've blown her out... in Dorset

I was decisive but fair

I've just got back

Oh God, I feel like I've got out of jail

No more deceit, no more lying to Helen. It was such a mistake

"Never go back", Russell. But it's over

God, I can't tell you it's such a good feeling

Well, I'm, I'm very pleased. How does she feel about it, Lydia?

Well, you know, she's not jumping through hoops obviously, I mean...

...but, but it's the best thing by far. By far and away the best thing

I mean she, she knows that. I mean, she will do when she...

well, she was upsel I mean bit fraught, you know... obviously

Oh God, oh God, oh God, I feel good

I've got to go home. I wanna be home before Helen comes back from work

Er, no

Because you never buy me flowers when you're meant to...

...let alone when you're not meant to

So, yes, I'm a little suspicious

I want to know what else you've been doing that you're not meant to

Wait, hang on

Let me get this straight 'cause this is just about brilliant

I buy you flowers on a whim in a...

in a, in a fit of, of, of, um, of romance but...

See... you couldn't even think of the word

But instead of being, of being grateful, instead of being 'romanced'...

...you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced in some decrepit tacky,

underhand clandestine affair!

In a nutshell

Gerry?

Are you back?

I missed you so I came home early to see you

God

What are they?

Well they're flowers

For you. Um...

...d'you not like them?

That image of her sitting on top of you, oh God, I...

...I, I really don't know why I agreed to come

Please stop, Gerry, don't, I, I don't want you to touch me

I'm, I'm sorry. Um, um, don't go

Please try and... put her out of your mind

She's, she's out of mine

It's finished... over

I made a mistake. Such a big... big mistake and I'm sorry

I'm truly, truly sorry

I mean this new bloke, this James Hammerton that you're seeing...

...does he not make mistakes?

How do youknow his name?

A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant

They're... mutual friends. I... I mean, it's not especially important

Well I don't want to talk about James Hammerton or anyone else. I have to go

Oh, by the, by the way I've, er...

...I've stopped writing the book

Helen... the truth is I can't write without you

I can't do anything without you

I want you to come back to me, Helen

We were so good together

Remember, remember how good we are together?

Sorry... Just wait

Yeah?

I'm late, Gerry... Four days. I'm never late

Oh, Russell. Er, look, hi

Er, look, mate. Look, er, can I ring you back in a few minutes, yeah?

Yeah... Yeah, okay. Okay. Thanks, mate, cheers. Bye

It's, er... Russell

I'm, I'm dying for the loo

Telephone number 01714443184

To return the call press three

Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that

What's going on?

Gerry, answer me. Who's there?

It's Helen actually. We met once

I interrupted you faking your orgasm

Sorry I can't be more specific

You know what I was thinking?

You're not going, are you?

You wanker. You sad, sad wanker

God, I feel like such a mug!

The useless, no good...

...shagging, horrible, despicable, lying...

...two-faced pissing, shagging...

You said shagging ...wanker

You know the worst bit?

All I could think about was James

I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there

That sounds like the best bit. And you were

He didn't call, did he?

That's nearly a week

I think I've blown it, blown it, haven't I?

I blame British Telecom. All this new technology

This number if you want to know who called...

...another one if you don't want them to know you called...

...itemised bills, take away the first number you thought of

I mean they are single-handedly condemning the average red-blooded Englishman...

...to a life of terminal monogamy

What are they after? The Nobel Peace Prize?

And Lydia might be pregnant

Oh no more, please... I can't take it

Oh this is terrific stuff

I must say, being with you makes the wait for the next episode of

'Seinfeld' much easier to bear

I didn't reckon on things turning out this way

Everything's a cock up. What's going on?

Well... to use boxing parlance, if I may... it's quite simple

You've just lost

Are you sure? You've been a bit...

...I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back

I know

Well, okay... there are a couple of things.

Which one do you want to hear first?

I don't mind

Well the 'small' thing is that I've got an interview for a job

A PR job, a proper one

International company opening up in London

Chairwoman herself called, said she had heard a lot about me and...

she's invited me to her apartment tomorrow evening for a serious chat

Jesus Christ!

What?

Jesus Christ, I mean that's... that's not a small thing, that's... that's huge

I mean it's... I mean it's... it's brilliant. I mean that's the best

Is the blind buggered again?

No. Er... no

Well, I...

Are you all right?

Yeah, no, I'm fine, darling. My sweetheart, that's great, it's tremendous

I'm thrilled. I'm so thrill...

Hello?

I really need to talk to you

Hi, Russ. How are you?

Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight. It's important

Ah, really, mate. No, what a drag

Oh no, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure. Sure, sure, yeah

Yeah, yeah, I'll help you

Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate. Cheers. Bye

It's Russell's family is descending unannounced

Yeah, he wants me to, er, go round tomorrow evening and,er,

help him clear out, er, his spare room

Er, right. Okay. So...

Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?

Doesn't matter. It's not important

Hammerton Enterprises

Rachael, I'm going out to the shops

Can I get you anything? No thanks

Are you okay?

Yes

Yes. Yes, I'm fine

I just... you know, I go to the shops, just I'll be, um...

Sorry

Hello! Hi. Hi Hi

How... how are you?

I'm... I'm great

Er, how are you?

Sorry, you're great

Business lunch?

Yeah, just a chat, you know

Well my office is just round the corner

I know. Um... I, I, I thought you were away on business

Yeah, I was. I just, I, um, got back last night as a matter of, er

Helen, look, please don't think that I, that I...

Ah... it's okay, I... I haven't thought...

I mean I, I, I didn't think that or not

No, I mean... don't think that I have not called you

I haven't 'not' called you

I mean, I don't... I don't mean I haven't 'not' called you

because that's a double negative...

...so as to say that I 'have' called you

When did you call?

Er, well I, I didn't

But I... I didn't 'not' call you in the way that you might think I didn't call you

Oh dear

I wanted to call you

I even did that dial all but the last number thing and then not, er...

It's... ridiculous behaviour

Totally

You see, I... I thought you still had to deal with, with your other, er...

Gerry?!

Well I don't know, is that... yeah, if...

And I thought it was best if I allowed you to...

Gerry is why you haven't called me?

Well, after Clive's party I didn't want to just presume that you'd, that we had

You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen that I come across?

Sorry, nervous humour

Well I hoped not

Sorry, excuse me

Hello?

Oh, I see. I'll, um...

...I'll come straight away. Okay, thanks

My... mum had to go into hospital

She's had some tests done. The results are through. I should, er, go

Do you want me to come with you?

Yeah, that's really nice of you

Er... well maybe, um...

I don't... she's quite frail and I, and I don't know how she's gonna...

It's okay

but, um... thanks

I'm, er, well some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight...

...if you're, if you're not doing anything, you want to come along

Well some other time

I'd love to if that's okay

Yeah, yeah. Of course, crikey, it's, it's, it's very, very okay, yeah

But well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I'll pick you up at eight

Is that a 'will' pick me up, or a 'haven't, not, didn't, might'?

Listen... don't worry about your mum. She'll be okay

Remember Monty Python

Well I'll see you later

Bye

How are you? Yeah, just... you know...

Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?

I haven't told him yet

Never seems to be the right moment somehow

Come on... let's celebrate with a proper drink

Bloody marvellous idea

I really shouldn't in my condition but I'm really going to

What have you got?

Um... brandy

Oh, no, yuk. Makes me vomit

Half day?

James?!

Since last night?

Sorry

You can't tell from one

They can be inaccurate

I bought three packets

Two in a packet, that's six

You can tell from six

What are you gonna do?

Is James Hammerton in?

I'm afraid not

Um, do you know when he's due back?

I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife

Would you like to leave a message?

What?

Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you

Um... no, thank you

There's something I want you to know

Anna doesn't drink Brandy, Gerry, it makes her vomit

and those glasses were not used at the party

They only come out for special dinners, you know that

Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?

Are you having an affair?

Just tell me yes or no

No, I'm not

Helen, look into my eyes

I am not having an affair

I'm not

Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now, I've got to go to my interview

We'll talk later

Are you going to be here when I get back?

Yes. Of course

Helen... listen

Good luck, okay

Hello

Hi, Anna, is Helen there?

You've got a damned nerve phoning here

What?

Anna, please, just open the door. I don't know what's going on

You dono't know what's going on?

I'll tell you then. She saw you, James, at the hospital. With your wife

You know, the one with the wedding ring

What is it with you bloody men? We're not just here...

Anna, let me see her. I can... She's not here

Where is she?

What's it to you? I don't know

Oh shit, shit. Bollocks

Oh God. You idiot!

Clive, you seen Helen?

No. Why?

Helen!

Helen!

Helen... Helen, you've made a mistake

Oh, I am such an idiot. Helen, look at me

Listen to me, please

No, you listen! I never want to see you again

I have been through enough for one year

I stupidly believed that here was a man who was different from 'men'

But it is clear that I made a mistake

Now please... do me a favour and go away!

I am married, Helen, but I am separated

Walk away if you want but take this with you

The woman you saw today was the woman I married three years ago

We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced

Nothing aggressive

I didn't tell you before because...

...I don't know why, I... I have wanted to tell you so many times and

...and now you've found out another way I wish I had told you

My mother is ill in hospital as you know...

...and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were okay still for my mum

As a favour. She's a very decent woman

Do you have a mum, Helen?

Ten minutes, Lydia

And don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that

It's over. You know? You said it yourself

I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking

I just want to show you something

Oh, Helen...

if we are not gonna be together then let's make sure it's for the right reason

And right now there is no reason, none

there is just confusion and it can be erased in a split second

Get that, would you?

Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...

Who is it?

Oh, hello again. You're right on time

Is this the truth, James?

Permission to engage the enemy, sir?

Thing is, I can't take the interview just now

I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby

James...

...there's something I have to tell you

I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen

Er, I really should just phone Anna and tell her I'm okay

Helen

I love you

Helen, wait, please. Wait!

Let me go!

Helen! Helen!

James... are you her husband?

Er... I will be. We're, we're getting married

If I could have a quick word?

Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James

Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry

I'm afraid she's lost her baby

You did know she was pregnant?

Did you know she was pregnant?

She will be okay though, won't she?

She is, she is going to wake up, isn't she, Doctor?

Helen, for some reason I know you can hear me

I'm glad we got things sorted out... tonight

I'm glad you caught the train that day

I am going to make you so happy

I promise

Helen?

Helen!

Helen!

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me, Helen?

I'm sorry I'm late Ah, no problem

I'm pleased to say your mother's showing some signs of improvement this morning

She's sitting up and she's had a full breakfast

That's great

Helen, I swear...

I'll do anything you want, Helen

Will you?

In that case, I want you to stand up...

...walk over to the door...

...open it... walk through it...

...then close it behind you

Ta-ta, mum

Call us if you have any problems at all

Thank you

You're very fortunate, Helen. You had a lucky escape

Say that again

Thank you

Thank you

Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"