Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

Hell of a costume, Peter.

You don't think I can get away with it?

When this was written? No.

When it airs? Probably.

Ah, I'm not gonna chance it.

Happy Halloween, Peter!

Oh, but when she does it, it's fine!

My culture is not your costume!

Happy Halloween, fellas!

What are you supposed to be?

Who's Kittredge?

Seriously? Beau Kittredge?

Six club titles,

seven world titles,

five AUDL titles,

and was the AUDL MVP twice!

He's the Michael Jordan of Ultimate!

Ultimate what?

"Ultimate what"? Ultimate Frisbee!

Then say that!

Whoo!

Beau Kittredge, second-best Ultimate player next to Jimmy Mickle.

Joe, I am this close to absolutely freaking losing it.

Who are you supposed to be?

Really?

Guy Berryman.

The bassist from Coldplay?

Joe, nobody knows who the bassist from Coldplay is.

Is that so?

Why don't you say that to men experiencing reduced testicle size

due to middle-aged testosterone loss?

Whoa! Guy Berryman! Nice!

Thanks.

And, uh, sorry about your balls.

I can't believe I have to spend Halloween with these idiots.

Oh, my God! Brian! We're saved.

A guest and I are invited

to the Block Island Ferry Halloween Masquerade Ball!

Are you dying? I'm dead.

I don't know. That's pretty far away.

It's always the party of the year.

Eddie Redmayne might be going.

Why would Eddie Redmayne be going?

He might be going.

Plus, every hot socialite will be there.

It's a who's who of women who have plowed through cafés in G-Wagons.

Oh, damn, socialites?

Could be a good content collab sesh.

Get the brand out there. I'm in.

Now I almost don't want to take you.

How do you get invited to this stuff?

Because I'm a little pickleball slut, Bri.

Trust me, this will be the biggest social event

since Diddy's white party.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I wore eggshell.

This is so embarrassing.

Eh, probably no one will remember.

There's kind of a lot of other stuff going on.

...and then I remember

walking past a baby

dressed in eggshell instead of white.

Order! Order!

You ruined my daughter's picture!

What exactly are our costumes again?

You're one of the guys railing Nicole Kidman,

and I'm Tom Cruise watching from the balcony,

but I'm all like, "Oh, I was gonna do that."

Help!

I can't swim!

Oh, my God! We're coming to get you, buddy!

Last call for the Block Island Ferry

Halloween Masquerade Ball.

Once we jump in, there's no way we're gonna make it to that party.

I was just thinking that, but...

-I mean, we have to... -Yeah, you're right. We gotta save him.

Even if the tuxes get wet.

What does that have to do with it?

Well, that Mr. Tux was not thriving.

I don't think they survive two water-damaged suits.

So, if we save the man, we're killing a business.

But we clearly have to save him.

No, yes, of course. We just have to make peace

with the Mr. Tux of it all.

Please! I can't make it much longer!

Yeah, we got you.

We're not the type of guys who'd let a man drown. Come on!

And a special Block Island Ferry welcome

to Eddie Redmayne, who is definitely here.

Help!

We save him now, he's likely got brain damage.

His poor family's burden for life.

His poor family, Bri.

-My jeans are getting very heavy! -We're talking!

Seriously, Stewie? I'm saving him!

And another Block Island Ferry welcome

to the fringe members of the new cast

of Socialites with Low Self-Esteem!

This guy's a vegetable. Let's go.

Tinsley? I think you hit something.

Shut up, also Tinsley, you bitch!

What happened? Where are we?

I remember that SUV hitting us.

Hey, buddy? Are... are we dead?

Oh, wow, yeah. We're dead?

No, I'm asking you if we're dead.

What's the last thing you remember?

Uh, having ice cream, then driving my family off a cliff.

Yeah. Wow.

I think it's good we're not going where he's going.

What is this place?

It appears we're in some sort of afterlife waiting room.

We... We're going to Heaven, right?

I think so. We had a speed bump with that drowning guy,

-but it's the whol... -The whole life, yeah. It's gotta be.

Guy in a Boy Scout uniform, could go either way.

Beady-eyed gymnastics doctor, same.

Stewie and Brian?

Right this way.

-Phew. -Seventy-two virgins coming my way!

Isn't that an extremist Muslim thing?

I kinda cherry-pick the virgin stuff from all religions.

Welcome to Hell.

Did they bring you in through the Heaven door?

I love when they do that.

Aw! We're in Hell?

Yep. The very one.

Hades. The "Hotel California."

Isn't that right, Glenn Frey?

It's true. I'm here 'cause I screwed Don Felder out of a lot of money.

-Who's Don Felder? -Exactly!

-And who are you? -Ouch.

There must be some mistake. We don't belong in Hell.

Yeah, seems like a pretty stiff punishment for letting one guy drown.

Oh, sure, yeah. Hey, no problem.

I'll just, uh, check your file real quick, see if you belong here.

Oh, says you, uh, drugged and framed your babysitter?

Oh, that was like Season 4!

Right, okay. I guess old doesn't count...

...to you.

Okay, let's see.

Ooh, uh, you also tried to drown Chris because your teddy bear was his first.

Remember that? I sure do.

One could say I saved Chris from drowning.

You're constantly trying to kill your mother, yeah?

That's actually written down here.

What's it like to hear that?

That's for the fans, baby!

Oh, for the fans, yeah. I think they're... they're over that one.

Um, you once left an overdosing Mother Teresa to die, didn't you?

Hey, you wanna sing and dance, you gotta pay the band, baby!

You punctuated two sentences in a row with "baby."

Yes, I instantly regretted that.

Are you gonna do Brian?

Oh, Brian? Yeah, sure.

Uh, let's see, Brian, Brian...

You abandoned your wife because she had cancer.

Wow! What?

That's not true. It was after she beat cancer.

After she gained a little weight, maybe?

Uh, it was a lot of weight.

Maybe put that in the file.

Ah, okay. Good suggestion. Noted.

You both beat a man to death with a bat on Christmas Eve.

Oh, you're making it sound worse than it was.

And Brian,

remember how you pissed everyone off in that episode where you died?

People got tattoos of you, man.

What? Maybe some losers did.

Hey, buddy?

Well, I'll be damned.

Yeah, me too.

Ha! Nice!

You guys definitely belong here.

All right, let me show you to your eternal Hell stations.

All right.

This elevator takes us to the various depths,

or circles of Hell,

as Dante referred to them in Dante's Inferno.

Oh, love Dante.

Every stanza. Great stanzas.

Dante Cos-stanza, should be.

Ugh, is this guy serious?

Yeah, welcome to my Hell, buddy.

Beelzebub, et cetera.

Sorry, I'll catch the next one.

What is going on here?

Oh, we're, uh, doing an orientation

for people who are still alive but definitely heading here soon.

Oh, my God, is that Jamie Lee Curtis?

Why would she come here? She did a bunch of good stuff.

Yeah, but it's getting a bit much, right?

-Lately? -Well, I mean...

Am I wrong?

Is it not getting a bit much?

I'll make you a deal.

You look me in the eye and tell me, in all honesty,

that she is not getting a bit much and we will let her go.

I...

I... I can't do that.

Hey, are there any other celebrities down here that would surprise us?

Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got a great one.

Recognize this guy?

Is that Jimmy Carter? What is he doing here?

I had pie for breakfast once.

-Jimmy. -I maybe said "crap" a few times.

James Carter?

I built a house for every whore I banged.

There it is.

Oh, real quick. Uh, I wanted to show you the circle

for people who share Disney+ passwords with family and friends.

There should be a Super Hell for them.

I just don't get why they'd do that. It's such a fair price.

And think of all that content on Disney+ and Hulu.

Original shows and movies with new titles added daily.

And live sports.

Yeah, they got something for everyone.

Plus, name another streamer with this level of Hulu-larity!

Wow, Peter, what are you doing here?

In real life, I'm choking on a Now and Later that I refused to chew.

People think I'm gonna die.

-Why didn't you chew it? -Dared myself.

Oh, looks like I got it down.

I'm not gonna learn a lesson.

Bye, guys!

Hey, has there ever been someone who gets stuck in purgatory forever?

Yeah, Stephen Hawking.

Wow, really? Was he secretly bad?

Mm, no, no.

Uh, Heaven's just weirdly not ADA-compliant,

and, uh, he didn't want to come here.

Did I ever tell you that my wife, Eleanor, was a closeted lesbian?

Yes, Franklin, I remember yesterday's conversation.

My brain isn't in a wheelchair.

Here we are. Brian, this is your custom-tailored version of Hell.

Oh, doesn't seem so bad...

What was that? What was that?

-Your Hell is July 4th. -Aw.

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

In a Latino neighborhood.

Aw!

And the Dodgers just won!

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

♪ Cuatro de Julio... ♪

You know what? I'm not minding this.

I'm gonna run over to Starbucks real quick.

Oh, this looks so fun!

What's good here?

"What's good"? You're not at a steakhouse.

Oh, wow, you have syrups?

How does she not know this?

Dear, if you allow me to go in front, I'll buy your coffee.

Can I try a sample?

Oh, my God.

Finally!

So, I'm ordering for everybody at work.

Oh, wait. This is my Hell, isn't it?

Oh, clever. Very clever.

Venti mocha for Georgia and...

Uh...

Sylvie forgot to write hers down.

I'll just call her.

Unbelievable. Why are you ordering for everyone at work, anyway?

We're having a party 'cause the Dodgers won.

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

I'm starting to see how that could bug a guy.

All right, I have, uh,

stacks of paperwork waiting for me.

I'll leave you guys to get uncomfortable.

Hey, I think we've had enough for today.

We're ready to go to our rooms.

Oh, there are no rooms, no. There's just, uh,

cots in the Superdome. Bye!

All right, not ideal, but could be worse.

-What's that? -The Saints just won!

This is terrible.

Yeah, but the NFC South is kinda ours for the taking now.

Where are the bathrooms?

Oh, there are no bathrooms, but we can use any box we find.

The KFC $5 boxes are the perfect size, but they go pretty quick.

Hey! Flint water! Get your Flint, Michigan water here!

Flint water!

Ugh. This sucks.

It does suck. We deserve better, right, guys?

Well, it's not in my nature to complain.

You see, I was a priest.

Okay, I don't want to hear the rest.

No, no, no. I cheated on my taxes.

Oh, that's not that bad.

Yeah, I'm not a sicko. The children I molested were girls.

Yeah, let's move past that guy.

How about you, Victorian guy? What did you do?

I stared longingly at a married woman's wrists.

That's not even illegal anymore!

I'm also Jack the Ripper.

Okay, blowing by that.

You, lady with crazy eyes, what did you do?

I'm Catholic and I ate meat on a Friday.

Pfft, you don't belong here.

I also strangled 19 nursing students to death.

Okay, everybody? Let's just say the second thing, okay?

Hell doesn't have to be this bad!

Yes, there's a cot reserved for the MyPillow guy's likely very-soon death.

Why isn't anyone calling him about bedding?

I'm over here sleeping on a freakin' lumpy pancake pillow!

It's Hell. We can't do anything about it.

Oh, yeah? Why can't we?

You and I could fight him.

Well, sure, but how could we get anyone to join us?

I think I know a way. Watch this.

The Devil wants Matt Rife to perform an hour with no crowd work!

-That's impossible! -He doesn't have the material!

My wife thought he was handsome. That's why I killed her.

-What do we want? -Now!

-And when do we want it? -Better Hell!

All right, we'll work on it.

Boy, there's a lotta dingbats in Hell, huh?

Oh, what's all this, now? What are you doing?

We have some complaints!

Oh, for crying... Come on, what?

My torture gives me anxiety,

so I want a mental health break like Simone Biles.

No, no, we love her. Let's not drag her into this.

I have to push a rock up a hill,

and I'd like it to be untimed

because I have ADD and I learn differently.

Okay, that's enough from Gen Z. Anybody else?

We want the age of consent lowered!

-He's not with us. -I came with these two.

Yeah, I'm not gonna, like, tell a guy

he can't walk in the same direction as me.

All right, I've had enough.

Everyone out. I'm too busy for this.

Well, just get some help.

"Oh, get some help." Yeah, yeah, I haven't thought of that before.

Everyone here is lazy.

I used to have all the gays helping

and being super mean in funny ways, they ruled,

and then somebody decided it's not a sin so I lost 'em!

Oh, boo-hoo. Cowboy up, man.

You know what? You know what? It's fine.

You guys think you can do a better job?

Here. Here you go, take the thing, I'm done. I quit!

Enjoy this thankless job!

Whoa, we're in charge of Hell?

Well, one thing's for sure.

This is gonna make a great 1980s ABC promo.

Tonight...

Whoa, we're in charge of Hell?

Stewie and Brian are damned for eternity,

but is it too much for the Devil?

I quit! Enjoy this thankless job!

Things are really heating up

on an all-new Family Guy.

Then...

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Every time you go into business, you take a risk.

You killed everyone I ever loved.

Susan Lucci...

You don't have to be gentle, I won't break.

Lady Mobster. Next Sunday.

All right, Bri, what should our first changes be

as the new Devil and Devil's assistant?

Wait, wouldn't we be co-Devils?

Oh, sure, co-Devil, yeah. Like "Co-Devil and The Deep Blue Sea."

"Co-deviled ham sandwich."

"Oh, God! You co-Devil."

You hear that? You hear how dumb that sounds?

Okay, fine. Now, what do we say to this crowd?

Shoot from the hip. No bad ideas.

Uh, well, what about alternate side of the street parking?

All right, so we've established there are bad ideas.

I'm just priming the pump.

Oh, maybe, instead of it being "The Devil you know,"

we make it fun. "The Devil. You know?"

That's terrible.

Hey! We're the new Devils.

And by the time we're through here,

it's not gonna be, "The Devil you know,"

it's gonna be, "The Devil. You know?"

They like our ideas!

We're gonna be the people's Devils.

How can we improve Hell?

Hell is too hot!

It is very hot.

We're gonna get air conditioning!

Yes! Everyone is getting A/C!

Central or forced air?

We don't... we don't have to get into the weeds right out of the gate.

We want forced air!

Okay, okay.

Maybe somebody can explain to our friend

that "forced air" describes the air distribution system,

basically, duct work,

whereas "central air" is specific to the cooling part.

So it's gonna be central?

We're gonna figure it out.

All right, no more A/C questions! Now, what else?

We hate commutes. We want to be tortured at home!

-Done. -And all torture is voluntary now.

But we can choose it if we want?

Yes, Lee, you can choose it.

And say goodbye to poop boxes, 'cause we're getting toilets!

And everyone is getting little gold necklaces with their names in cursive.

I'm a woman, so I love that!

And in the downtown area, we're gonna ban cars.

Hell is gonna be walkable and full of cute cafés and bistros!

I'm another woman, so I love that!

We're doing great!

Hey, would you mind getting me a grande iced caffè mocha?

I can't go back in there.

That didn't sound fun.

Let's just say the zoning board

won't approve a mixed-use commercial/torture space.

Where are we at with the additional A/C units?

On hold with Carrier.

I apologize for the wait.

I am gonna have to put you on hold once more.

I've been on hold for two hours!

This is unacceptable!

I'm the Devil! Maybe I take my business elsewhere.

Sir, this is Carrier.

If you can think of even one single other air conditioner brand,

then be my guest.

Fine, I'll hold.

Carrier. We dare you to think of

even one single other air conditioner brand.

I have your 6:15 appointment.

I'm sorry, what was this about?

Yeah, I noticed that the commissary only has Oroweat bread now.

Right. In order to pay for all these new changes,

I had to let Oroweat sponsor everything.

Can we get another kind of bread?

That, uh...

That's the one thing we definitely cannot get.

I love Dave's Killer Bread. It has seeds and extra protein.

I love it too! It's not happening!

I signed a deal! Anything else?

Yeah, an A/C unit was just installed in my building,

and it's... it's a little cold now.

Hell's too cold for you now?

Fine. Here, have an Oroweat sweatshirt!

Do you have this not in an XL?

That's all they sent us!

Bri, I am exhausted.

Yeah, I think I'm done. This is too hard.

We gotta find the Devil and get him to take the job back.

Right. But where would a frustrated, middle-aged guy

who doesn't wanna be found, but kinda wants to be found go?

You're trying to pull everything.

Let the pitch take you where it wants.

-There you go. -What do you guys want?

We want you to be the Devil again. The job's too hard for us.

Why would I want to deal with all that

when I could just be in the cage hittin' freakin' rockets?

Look, Hell really needs you.

You know, I never even wanted to do this.

It was my dad's dream.

Yes, but you made it yours.

You're an amazing Devil.

No, I'm not. I used to be.

When I started here, I loved it.

It was small. I was working with my buddies from Ohio State.

It was all fire and torture.

But now, it's just... it's just exhausting.

It's all administrative stuff.

I came to Hell to start fires, not put 'em out.

Come on, let's make Hell awful again!

We can get red hats and everything!

Eh, I don't... That's not a bad idea, actually. I don't know.

Guys, I'm just tired of being bad all the time.

I wish I could do something good, even for one day.

What? Come on, man, you do lots of good stuff!

Yuck, yeah, right, like what?

Like, you're the only thing keeping Earth from being in complete anarchy.

Me? How?

Well, think about it.

Without you and the idea of Hell, imagine how people would behave?

The threat of Hell is what makes a lot of people be good up there.

And even so, you're still doing a brisk business.

Don't you see? You're the one keeping it all in check.

Whoa, I guess I never thought of it like that.

Maybe you guys are right.

So, what do you say? You want your old job back?

I'd like to officially announce that I am back as the Devil.

Torture is no longer voluntary!

Can we still do it from home?

Nope! All torture is back in the office.

-Boo! -We hate you!

What's up with those flashes of Meg?

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And thank you.

You know, you guys did a good thing.

You saved Hell.

So I'm gonna send you back up to Quahog

and give you another chance to turn those lives around.

Oh, thank you so much!

Brian, let's get out of here.

Grande iced caffè mocha for Stewie?

Oh, great. Now it's ready?

Wow, we're getting a second chance.

That's right, and we're gonna be a lot better this time.

Help! I can't swim!

All right, we're not gonna make the same mistake twice.

The Block Island Ferry Halloween

Masquerade Ball is about to depart.

I say we leave him and just be more careful crossing the street.

Look both ways.

I think that was the lesson we were supposed to learn.