Original subtitles

Shit!

-We were attacked. -Attacked by who?

Evil garden gnomes.

I know it sounds crazy, but they attacked us.

And they're coming!

-No! -We're from

-Better Gnomes And Gardens. -We would love to look

-at the Gnome Queen. -Holy shit.

I was at the hall the other night.

I don't know, something happened to me.

I think I did something bad.

Anyone seen a pair of red-hot monster hunters?

That's us.

-Hurry! Faster! -Go! Go! Go!

-Should we wipe our feet? -Devon!

Sorry, I've got muddy shoes!

So we hit the road and got here

-as fast as we could. -Not fast enough.

Sorry, let me just get this straight. You're...

You're both... professional...

Paranormal investigators. Monster hunters.

Call us what you like.

Our job is to stop nasty critters like your Gnome Queen

from running amok. Oh, careful. Most of those are collectables.

-Or cursed. -Right...

So you don't write for Better Gnomes And Gardens.

-I'm afraid not. -We've been tracking

the Gnome Queen since she left

-the museum in Germany. -By the time we arrived,

someone had already woken her up.

It wasn't me. I followed all the rules.

Whomever it was, they're responsible

for everything that's happened

to your town - the destruction, the terror... the death.

Arnold? You all right?

-What's happening to me? -Just as I feared.

Grab him!

I'm so sorry, Arnold.

-Guys, it's me! -You know what to do.

-He betrayed you. -He betrayed all of us.

Guys, it's me!

It is all your fault.

No!

In the past,

her awakening has been swift

and exceptionally bloody. Oh, thank you, sugar!

-Of course, babe. -But this time,

something is different. We can only conclude

that she mustn't have her hatchet.

Otherwise you'd all be dead already!

Well, she had it when we took her out of the box,

-didn't she, Arnold? -Sorry, what? What...? Sorry.

What does the Gnome Queen actually want with us?

Well, that, my sweaty friend,

is the ten million Deutschmark question.

Do you mind if I...?

Oh, honey, you do it. You do it so well.

Let me tell you the story

of the Virgin Queen of Helvetti.

She rose in the early first century,

wielding her indestructible obsidian hatchet Bluttrinker,

the source of her power.

One fateful day, the Virgin Queen fell in love,

but her affections were cruelly rejected.

Consumed by rage, she summoned a stone army

and vowed to slaughter anyone with a beating heart.

So basically everybody.

Then three powerful witches rose up in defiance,

and, using the queen's magic against her,

they turned her to stone.

But the spell was flawed.

As we've all seen, the queen can be freed

if her hatchet is touched during the winter solstice.

My great-grandfather safeguarded the witch's spell

in this diary. If we find Bluttrinker and lure the queen,

we can trap her again and cleanse

the Gnome Queen's blight from the face of God's green earth.

Any questions?

Erm...

So basically, find hatchet, lure queen, do a spell,

or we're all fucked. Is that it?

-Yeah. -Before sunrise.

Just hit me up for a second. Do we have to keep the queen?

I mean, can't we just send her back to Germany,

thereby adhering to any legally binding contracts

that someone may - or may not - have signed?

No!

So where is this hatchet, then?

Well, you'll have to ask whomever it was

that woke the queen in the first place.

So whoever they are, we find them

and then I smack the living shit out of the cock head.

Oh! Er, yes, Arnold?

Oh, I wasn't...

Well... Well, I might have...

I touched the hatchet a few days ago, before the festival.

So I am the cock head.

-That's impossible. -We neglected to mention

the spell only works

if the hatchet is touched by a virgin.

So unless you're some tragic thirty-something...

Oh! Wait, what?

What? What? It's a small town, OK?

There's... Options are limited.

It's not Nompton's fault you're a frigid.

Well, surely you did, like...

What, nothing?

What, and you all have...!

Of course we have!

I didn't realise things were this dire!

Not even the hand stuff?

-Devon! -This is VERY alarming.

Oh, not you too!

No, the moment you touched the hatchet,

the queen began turning from stone into flesh, right?

But the curse goes both ways,

which means you're turning from flesh...

Into stone. Yeah, I know.

Thank God we got you in time.

Actually, how did you know where we were?

Someone found the frequency we're on, randomly radioed us.

Lovely girl. Er, Beverly? Which one of you is Beverly?

OK, Arn, where's the hatchet?

I... lost it.

Loses that but not his virginity?

I'd've kept a better eye on it if I knew it was

a fucking cursed hatchet, wouldn't I?

-That's fair. -In the meantime,

you might need to buck up.

I mean, yes, the queen has unearthly powers,

a literal army and your good friend's life in her hands,

but we've been hunting creatures of pure, unmitigated

evil since you were in diapers. Since we've been together,

she's taught me everything she knows.

You have us, and we never lose.

So between us and this diary,

absolutely nothing can go...

Oh, Devon?! Oh, really?

No. No, that was not me, no. I've changed my diet.

Everyone out! It's gas!

Go! Go! Get out of here!

Come on!

It's jammed.

-Er, what do we do? -Guys?

Quickly!

I'm next.

Nice. Mayor of the people, huh?

I can't see them. Who's next?

Get me up!

I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

-Who's next? -Go, get her out of here!

-Quickly, ladies! -Devon, would you get down?!

Holy smokes!

Quick, give me the crossbow.

-Here. -Take this.

You get one shot, Mr Ravi.

Go, go, go! Go!

Devon, go!

The diary.

ELLIE, FRANTICALLY: Arnold!

Arnold! They're coming!

They're coming. Get up. Up. Get up.

Arnold, now!

Run. Run!

Hmm...

Keep moving. We're almost there.

Do you think the church will be safe?

-Well, we can't stay out here! -I really think we should

go back and check for Devon.

Shhh! Did you hear that?

Oh, my God! What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck happened to you guys?

It's a long story.

-Lachy! -Fuck me!

I expect an apology.

-What did you put in these? -Weedkiller.

It goes into there and then through out here.

Josie, I'm so sorry about Devon.

He was, erm...

efficient.

And I'm sorry for coming in here and messing up your life

-and your job. -It's fine.

It's fine.

I don't get it with you two. What happened?

I thought you were about to move in together.

Yeah, we were.

In the city.

But then his parents died.

I remember. That was, erm...

-Horrible. -It was horrible.

Yeah, he... He blamed himself for the whole thing.

You know, his parents were driving to his graduation

at the academy when they...

Oh, you didn't know?

-Wow. -But still, I mean,

he said that we were good. You know, he just needed time to...

to sort out their affairs and sell the house and...

So I stuck to the plan.

I moved.

I set everything up.

I gave him space.

But I guess the guilt was too much and he got stuck.

How long did you wait for him?

Who says I stopped?

Fuck!

Wow.

Yeah, it just hurts, knowing that he...

chose Nompton over me, and...

Well, you know what? No.

Here's to moving on.

-Better late than never. -Mm.

Oh. Oh, my.

Oh, that's surprisingly drinkable.

-Yeah... -Hey, Arn,

do you want some, um, god-awful sacramental wine?

Er, no. No. Last time I drank, I...

Arnold!

Holy shit. I think I know where the hatchet is.

But what good is luring the Gnome Queen

if we don't have the spell to trap her?

What spell? What hatchet? What are you talking about?

Dana and Gillian said the hatchet is the source

of her power, right? What if we just destroy it?

It's obsidian. Isn't that the whole point,

-that it's indestructible? -No, you can totally destroy

obsidian with, like, a diamond pickaxe, or you can melt it.

So no-one plays Minecraft. Cool...

Does Tobias still have that kiln up at the gnome factory?

He absolutely does. OK, here's the plan.

Josie, go to the factory, get Tobias to start his kiln up.

Ellie and I are gonna find the hatchet. We take it to you,

we put it in, and we put an end to all this once and for all.

OK. How can we help, Lucky?

You lot are staying here, where it's safe.

-OK, lock the doors. -Erm, no.

I have lost too many people I care about tonight.

-I am not losing you too. -But I owe you one. Remember?

Well, if you want to help, be one less thing

-I have to worry about. -And what can I do?

I think you've done more than enough.

OK. Here's how this is

-actually gonna go. -Yeah.

Mayor, Dyl reckons his old man might have

some more weedkiller at his store.

So we're gonna go get it, and then we help Lucky.

And save the town.

Fine. But I'm coming with you.

Knock, knock. It's me, Arnold.

Ethel?

Ethel!

-Don't you ever knock? -Oh, Christ. Ethel!

-Ethel, what happened here? -Gnomes. I told you.

Hi, Ethel. Erm, I don't know if you remember me.

Eloise McKay. Smart kid. Dead-shit father.

Practically obsessed with bugalugs here,

though I can't imagine why.

Erm, Ethel, we are looking for a hatchet.

A kind of an axe, about this big. I think... I think I might

have left it here. You know, the other... night.

Oh! I remember!

No. Haven't seen it.

OK. Er, well, do you mind if we have a look, just in case?

Knock yourselves out.

The other night?

I don't want to know.

Well! If it ain't Nompton's finest

calling at me 'umble front door.

Tobias, I need to come inside now.

Mate, is this gonna be enough?

Enough? Dude, this shit is strong. You mix it with water.

We'll have this times a hundred.

-Sorry. -Buy a treadmill, mate!

-Too much running from gnomes. -Yeah, if only someone tried

warning you about them days ago.

OK, let's pack this up and go.

What the hell is that?

Hide.

Join us, won't you? Tea?

Erm...

Mate, are you OK?

Why wouldn't I be?

You... You do know what's happening in town, right?

The gnomes. They're alive.

I've been trying to tell people that for quite some time,

Josephine. In fact, I think I hear a gnome arriving now!

"All cops are bastards!"

Oh, Mr Tingles, what a thing to say!

Not ALL cops...

Yo-yo?

Tobias...

I need access to your kiln now.

But why?

Cos there's a real bad gnome, Tobias,

and we're gonna kill her

along with every other gnome in this town.

You're safe with me.

You really want to know why Jenny calls me lucky?

It was a few months after the funeral,

and you'd gone back to the city,

and I was in a pretty bad place.

-Yeah, I remember. -No, you don't.

I took a walk up to Nompton Gorge.

It's where Mum and Dad and I

used to go for hikes.

I thought maybe I could get some closure.

-It's stupid, I know. -It's not stupid, Arnold.

Well, I didn't find any closure,

but I found Jenny on her bike trying to jump the gorge.

And she was on her bike. She was flying down.

I grabbed her just before she went over the edge.

And for the rest of that day, I felt better than fine.

I felt... I felt good. And so the next day

I put on my uniform and I...

and I went outside to find anyone else I could save.

Can I just save their life

or save their cat or a seat on the bus?

Buying hours or sometimes just even minutes

where I didn't think about everything.

And the worst part is, now Nompton actually need saving

and I don't think I can do it.

Why? Why do they keep getting weirder?

You said hatchet, right?

Who is she?

Big trouble.

It's her!

Come on!

So, how long does it take to heat up?

Oh, 30 minutes or so. Sometimes longer.

So, how many gnomes are you planning on killing?

As many as we can.

Lovely! Tea?

Yes, fine, I'll drink the tea, mm.

Mm, lovely tea, Tobias. Very nice.

Hmm, that's, erm...

That's...

Oh, God damn it!

Shit! Jenny! The door, it's deadlocked.

-It's not opening. -What do we do?

Move!

Oi! Queenie!

Yeah!

-Are you lot all right? -Yeah.

Stay close. Follow me.

You keep your hands off my constituents, you minx.

Silverware in the dishwasher?

-Oh! -Mm!

I haven't had one of those in so long.

Ages.

Like, salty and sweet.

Mm-hm. Lemony. Mm.

Do you think she's gonna be all right?

All right? I'm tempted to take her with us.

I reckon you can save Nompton now.

I think I've got what I need.

The hatchet.

Yeah, that too.

Take the hatchet. Take it to the factory.

No, no, you are gonna be fine. You just keep...

It's gonna be all right so long as Josie's got that kiln going.