Original subtitles

[person 1] One, two, three,

- four, five, six... - [clock ticking]

- ...seven, eight, nine, ten... - [person 2 speaking indistinctly]

...11, 12, 13.

- [♪ Muzak playing faintly] - [phone ringing]

[rapid ticking]

Do you want some coffee?

No, I hate coffee.

[sighs]

[person 1] Two, four, six, eight,

10, 11, 12, 13.

[phone ringing]

[dings]

[person 3] I have been planning this and planning this for a year.

Everyone knows how important my birthday is to me. Everyone.

I mean, last year, Hawaii, Kona... Whatever, it was fine.

But this year, this birthday on my lucky number,

the 13th, falls on Friday the 13th.

And I am going on this trip.

And I’m so excited about it.

And last night, I found out that Ben is canceling.

And that’s why you asked for this emergency couples therapy session?

I am just so mad at him.

You are getting on that plane tomorrow and you are going on that trip.

Or?

Or...

else I’m breaking up with you.

[softly] What?

- That seems a little harsh, no? - [therapist] Ben, I’d...

I’d like to interject here. Uh...

As you know, Kira, who I’ve been seeing for years,

since her troubles with bulimia, which I know she shared with you...

Uh... [clears throat] Kira has a condition called--

Triskaidekaphilia?

Yes, I’m aware, yeah.

She’s obsessed with the number 13.

She... To her, it’s a sign of good luck.

[chuckles]

She’s into numerology. She talks about it...

a lot.

Is that a dig?

Ben... [sighs]

I’m aware that you and Kira have only been dating two months,

and flying across the world to the 13 isles of the Grenadines

may be a work inconvenience or--

He’s in the hospice care business,

and his last client died yesterday, so he’s free.

Or maybe it’s too big a step now in your relationship.

- Oh. - No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

It is... It is not that.

No. [chuckles]

Uh... It’s more the...

[Kira] What? Say it.

From the look on your face, it’s obviously big.

[Ben exhales]

Are...

Are... Are you not a Taylor fan?

Are you not a Taylor fan?

You lied to me? You’re not a Swiftie?

No, no, no. I-I actually, I really like Taylor.

I have 13 of my best girlfriends going on this trip.

And I told them...

"Ben is the greatest.

You’re going to meet him and fall in love with him."

And what am I going to tell them now?

Starting today, you are gonna tell them the truth.

[sighs, chuckles]

I have triskaidekaphobia.

What? What is that?

I have a fear of the number 13.

[♪ "Thirteen" playing]

[Ben panting]

♪♪ Bad luck wind Been blowing at my back ♪

[indistinct announcement on PA]

♪♪ I was born to bring trouble To wherever I’m at ♪

[all cheering]

[breathing heavily]

♪♪ Got the number 13 Tattooed on my neck ♪

[grunts]

[indistinct announcement on PA]

♪♪ When the ink starts to itch Then the black Will turn to red ♪

[breathing heavily]

♪♪ I was born In the soul of misery ♪

Fuck it.

♪♪ Never had me a name ♪

♪♪ They just gave me the number When I was young... ♪

Girl, you need to perk the fuck up, okay? This is a good thing.

You’re better off without him.

But he fucked me so good.

And he actually wanted children.

And his favorite album was Evermore, which is my favorite album.

[friend 1] Fuck him, okay?

We’re gonna party and we’re gonna just enjoy this fucking birthday, girl.

- Come on. - Yeah.

- Here’s to all things 13. - Cheers again to that.

[PA dings]

[pilot] Cabin crew, please prepare for departure.

- [friend 2] Mimosas, right? - [friend 1] Oh, my God...

[Ben] Six, eight, ten, 12, 13.

♪♪ I was born In the soul of misery ♪

♪♪ Never had me a name ♪

♪♪ They just gave me the number When I was young ♪

[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen,

we are aware that it is just a little warm on tonight’s flight. As soon as...

♪♪ I was born In the soul of misery ♪

♪♪ Never had me a name ♪

- [PA dings] - [pilot speaking indistinctly]

♪♪ They just gave me the number When I was young... ♪

- You did it. You made it. - [exhales] I did it, for you.

Had to face my fear head-on.

Hi.

What’s the worst that could happen, right?

That’s what I just kept saying to myself as I raced here. That’s it.

Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?

[giggles]

[♪ song ends]

- [thunder rumbling] - [inhales sharply]

[PA dings]

[pilot] Ladies and gentlemen, we’re, uh...

From the cockpit again, we’re asking our flight attendants

please to take their seats, uh, as soon as they can.

We’re maneuvering around some, uh, buildup...

- [Kira gasps] - ...and thunderstorms.

So flight attendants, as soon as you can...

- please, take your seats... - It’s all right.

- [explosion] - [people screaming]

[objects clattering]

- [engine whirring] - [screaming]

[♪ "Moonlight Sonata" playing on piano]

[breathing heavily]

[♪ music continues]

[teacher] Very nice, Ophelia.

Now concentrate.

No, no, no, do not frown.

Yes, better.

A neutral expression works best for the Ascendas spell.

The effort should be evidenced by the act of objet levitation,

not by the constipated look on your face.

Madison. Thoughts?

[Madison] The wrist action is delightfully faggy

and in the "they/them" pocket.

Surprise, bitch.

This witch approves.

[thunder rumbling, cracking]

- [orb shatters] - [students exclaim]

Close the shutters.

[wind howling]

What? What do you sense?

[♪ tense music playing]

A harbinger...

of our doom.

[thunder rumbling, cracking]

Death.

So much terrifying, vengeful death.

It’s probably global warming.

You’re always so dramatic.

Well, it is my job.

I am the fucking Supreme.

But something wicked this way comes.

[♪ eerie music playing]

Okay, it’s time.

Let’s shuffle off to Buffalo, as they say.

[person wheezing]

Go on now.

[groaning]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[footsteps thudding]

[groaning]

[thunderclap]

[growling softly]

[groaning]

[people screaming]

[gurgling]

- [crashing] - [all screaming]

Oh, my God!

Grab my hand!

- [gurgling] - [bones cracking]

- [Ben] I got you! - [screams]

[screaming]

Oh, my God.

- [thunder rumbling, cracking] - [screaming continues]

[plane rattling]

[Kira crying]

- [engine whirring] - [objects clattering]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[horn honking in distance]

Welcome to the Apollyon. How may I help you?

Yeah, hi. Uh, my name’s Ben DeSoto.

- I’m here to see the caregiver. - Yes.

We’ve been waiting for you. Thirteenth floor.

[echoing] Thirteenth floor. Thirteenth floor.

[♪ eerie music playing]

I’m sorry...

There are no 13th floors in any residential building in the city.

Well, there are in this one.

Your client owns the entire 13th floor.

What a renovation some years back.

But worth it.

You don’t believe in that old superstition, do you?

That the 13th floor is cursed or some weird, unnatural thing like that?

The elevator’s on the right.

[person wheezing]

- Have a good day. - [Ben] Yeah, you too.

[elevator bell dings]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[Ben] One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine,

10, 11, 12...

Thirteen.

[fire crackling]

Admiring The Last Supper, I see.

Jesus and his 12 disciples,

including that very misunderstood Judas.

[sucks in breath] You can almost taste that hummus.

It’s a very good imitation of a very good painting.

Imitation?

Oh... [chuckling]

Well, it’s a goddamn da Vinci masterpiece.

The one in the Basilica di Santa Maria delle Grazie,

that’s the copy.

Sorry.

I’m the nighttime attendant. It’s nice to meet you.

[♪ tense music playing]

Are you all right, ma’am?

[sniffs] I’m sorry, it’s-it’s just,

in this thin winter light, with that swarthy complexion,

for an instant, you looked just like...

[voice quavering] ...a boy I used to know.

Whew! [chuckles]

No, he was a Jew.

- Ah. - Such a sad end.

After my rejection,

they found his body washed up on the shores of Lake Pontchartrain.

In his despair, he had leapt from the causeway bridge.

Hmm... I’m sorry.

[sniffles] I’m told your name is Benjamin.

I go by Ben.

Well, that’s as Hebrew as Jehovah.

[chuckles] My people are Italian.

[laughing] Oh!

Well, that would have even been worse.

If there was one thing my daddy hated,

it was the "Eye-talians."

All those mobsters and Vatican eunuchs. [chuckling]

Why, he wouldn’t even let them work on our roof.

Come on. [chuckles] Down here.

I don’t think I even tried spaghetti until I was 24 years old.

[chuckles]

Here. Here, this way.

Oh. [chuckles]

By the way, I’m Constance, the daytime caregiver.

Well, let me introduce you to Mister.

Please.

[♪ "Ole Buttermilk Sky" playing faintly]

[wheezing]

[squelching]

♪♪ Ole buttermilk sky ♪

♪♪ I’ma keepin’ my eye Peeled on you What’s the good word... ♪

[Ben] One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

- nine-- - [Constance] I found it. Whew!

It had fallen behind his...

- hemorrhoid cream. [chuckling] - [chuckles]

[Constance] Arnica, such a product.

- Hail, arnica. - Hail!

Um, so Mr. Nas is...

Eighty-seven years young.

Thirteen more years till a hundred. [chuckles]

Oh, and what a life.

Philanthropist, husband, father to us all.

- [blood squelching] - Poet and prophet.

[vial clinking]

Well, he looks a bit like a turtle now, but oh, my, back in the day...

Ooh! [chuckling]

He was a looker.

Age is the ultimate cruelty.

Proof to me that there is no God.

So our patient,

he-he was abandoned by his family for late-stage hospice care?

Abandoned?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Loved by us.

Praise his name and what he has done for the world.

[Ben] 10, 11,

12, 13.

Bring on the arnica, Sister Moon. Got what I need.

That’s a huge blood draw for someone in late-stage hospice.

Biomarkers. We check for age and disease once a week.

It’s in the service contract.

Mr. Nas personally requested this information.

He’s a stat kind of guy...

[chuckling] ...apparently, even though he’s a vegetable.

[Constance] Careful, Mr. Phibes.

We don’t want our young charge thinking you’re a vulgarian.

- Come on, just come on, come on, come on. - [Mr. Phibes] All right.

[Constance] Let’s move this along.

- I’ve got to show him the ropes. - [snakes hissing]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

And now on to my favorite time of day with Mister... [chuckles]

...something I do religiously before the end of every shift.

The ever delightful...

sponge bath.

Benny... Oh, I’m sorry, may I call you Benny?

- Sure. - Uh...

I just wanna say,

I heard about what had happened from your placement agency.

A horrible plane crash. [gasps]

And just a month ago?

And yet, here you are.

How?

Um...

It was a miracle, actually.

The plane crashed.

It took a nosedive.

And the pilots, they got it under control,

kind of righted at the last minute.

- Crashed where? - In the ocean.

Oh, my goodness.

That was you.

Oh, I read all about it on the Yahoo News.

Yeah, I was in one seat, 13F, that survived the crash somehow.

I don’t remember, but the rescue crew found me. They said I didn’t sink.

I didn’t have a scratch on me. So, it was...

A goddamn miracle.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

Yeah, so my girlfriend, she...

She died, obviously, huh?

Yes, and so did 12 of her friends.

Only one of them didn’t die.

She survived, 13B.

And so did I.

Gracious. Oh!

Thirteen souls taken. Hmm.

Ooh.

The universe must have something in store for you.

Signs and wonders.

Time for the sponge bath.

[Ben] Feel my hand. I’ve got one here. Yep.

[Mr. Nas wheezing]

[Ben] Got your head.

[turns faucet off]

Mister likes to bathe in Jean Nate body splash,

so we pour in an extra dash. [giggles]

[sniffs] Ooh, hoo!

What a wonderful smell.

You know, it smells just like 1983.

Oh, what a year that was.

Bowie was big that year. [chuckles]

Bigger than any gods.

And of course, my... my daughter was born in 1983.

Or, no, wait, wait.

Maybe it was earlier. Hmm...

Your daughter, is she still with us?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. [laughs]

All of my children are alive and thriving.

Okay, so we start with the orifices,

openings, membranes, wherever we find them.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Constance] Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and his nostrils.

Clean out that old-man debris, snot, and pollution.

That’s right, just stretch and swab, stretch and swab.

- [water splashing] - Good, okay.

Now his nips.

His nips. Uh, nipples. Hmm.

[Mr. Nas wheezing]

And then we move on to his urethra.

[water splashes]

I’m... What, I’m sorry, what?

His urethra.

It’s just another membrane,

and we have to keep all the mucus and bodily fluids running.

Keep everything in good operational condition.

Wait, I have worked in hospice for five years,

and I have never once been asked to clean a patient’s urethra pre-catheter.

Well, it’s what we do here, so just do it.

Do it! Go on, get a... get a Q-tip over there.

Okay. Come on. Come on.

Now you open the glans,

and then you swab, swab, swab, swab.

Swish that old thing around in the Jean Nate suds.

Like that. Yeah, good.

Okay. And then it’s done and you’re glad you did it.

[Mr. Nas wheezing]

Now we’re gonna move on to, uh...

[chuckles]

Down under.

[sighs]

We’re going to...

His butthole, okay?

Well, you’re looking at me like I’m some kind of fucking pervert.

- No, not at all. - It’s in his contract.

He asks for it. He demands it. We do it.

- Okay? - I understand.

Okay.

Nice and clean, right as rain.

- [Mr. Nas wheezing] - [Constance] Good. All right.

Well...

Oh, darling, when you finish here,

Oh, darling, when you finish here, you think you could be a lamb

you think you could be a lamb

and run down to the corner to the Korean

and get me a pack of ciggies?

Could you do that? Huh?

I’m off to change his linens.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[wheezing]

[door creaking]

[news anchor] In part two of our report, we’ll tie together how the recent droughts

have not only put us at the brink of a worldwide food shortage,

but how it could lead to the next global pandemic. Jessica.

[Jessica] No leads in Italy after another brazen cemetery break-in.

Outside Bologna, thieves burglarized a guarded crypt,

making off with the remains of Benito Mussolini,

the late dictator known as Il Duce.

The ransacking of the World War II despot’s final resting place

- is the latest in a worldwide string... - [phone dings]

...of grave robberies.

Corpses of the infamous have gone missing throughout Europe,

and Interpol is on high alert.

[loud thud]

Our reporters are in the mountains of Northern Italy. We take you there now.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[doors open]

[breathing shakily]

[creaking]

[♪ tense music playing]

[panting]

[wheezing]

[gasps]

[♪ "Tonight You Belong to Me" playing]

- ♪♪ I know ♪ - ♪♪ I know ♪

♪♪ You belong to somebody new ♪

♪♪ But tonight You belong to me ♪

- ♪♪ Although ♪ - ♪♪ Although ♪

♪♪ We’re apart You’re part of my heart ♪

♪♪ And tonight You belong to me ♪

♪♪ Way down by the stream ♪

♪♪ How sweet it will seem ♪

♪♪ Once more just to dream In the moonlight ♪

- ♪♪ My honey, I know ♪ - ♪♪ I know ♪

♪♪ With the dawn That you will be gone ♪

♪♪ But tonight You belong to me ♪

♪♪ Way down, way down Along the stream ♪

♪♪ How very, very sweet It will seem ♪

♪♪ Once more just to dream ♪

♪♪ In the silvery moonlight ♪

- ♪♪ My honey, I know ♪ - ♪♪ I know ♪

♪♪ With the dawn That you will be gone ♪

♪♪ But tonight You belong to me ♪

♪♪ Just to little old me ♪