Original subtitles

Hey God. Don't be a sore.

You didn't piss on Brando.

Okay, mama.

Bye-bye.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh, the shithouse, eh?

There's no shithouse paper. - Hey.

Oh.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah

No madam.

No madam.

No madam.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah

Oh, man.

Paul!

Okay.

All right!

Oh.

Paul!

Oh, Paul.

Oh, Paul.

Oh, Paul.

Oh.

Get out.

Paul?

Get outta here!

I don't even know your name.

Oh, I can't tell you my name.

Why can't you tell me your name?

Because I have too many names.

What name are you today?

Richard Burton.

Richard Burton?

You dumb little cunt.

Who do you think you're laughing at?

Haven't you ever been fucked by a Richard Burton before?

Did you ever believe, believe in your furthest imagination

that my immense pole would be poked into your part?

Mm, yes, yes, but that is not the question here.

The question is to come, mm, or not to come.

Listen sweetheart, who do you think you're laughing at?

I didn't like you when I first fucked ya

and I don't like you now.

I love Humphrey Bogart!

What are you laughing at?

Didn't I tell you not to laugh at me, you Motherfucker?

Who do you think you're laughing at?

You're laughing at the fucking star.

No, no, don't do him, he makes me scared.

I don't like Peter Lorre.

Well.

But, but the person I want to be fucked by,

uh, you can do him.

Yeah? Who?

I can't tell you.

Who?

It's Groucho Marx.

Hm.

How about Kirk Douglas?

No. Groucho Marx.

Groucho Marx, huh?

Oui.

You wait here. I'm gonna get my glasses.

Oh, that's you.

Oh?

Hi young lady.

If you say the secret word,

not only do you get this cock,

we'll give you Chico's cock.

This may lead to anything.

Entrer.

Caca.

Pee pee.

Au revoir.

Whoa.

Yeah?

Mais oui.

Mais oui.

I'm glad you're dead, you skunk fucker.

If you didn't kill yourself sooner or later,

I'd have killed ya.

Look at this place.

You see anybody here besides me?

If only the skunks you fucked were here,

the place would be SRO, sold out.

But nobody's showin' up.

You wanna know why?

Because you're a skunk fucker!

You weren't even a good wife.

You know why you weren't a good wife?

Did you ever cook a meal for me? Hm?

Why not?

Isn't that what they're supposed to do, wives?

Cook for their husbands?

But I didn't care about that.

You don't have to cook for me.

Did you have a sew for me? Hm?

Darn my socks?

I heard that once.

I don't remember where I heard it, but I heard it once.

When a woman marries a man,

that's what she's supposed to do.

Darn his socks!

In all the years we were married,

none of those things ever bothered me.

But you, you, you lousy skunk fucker.

You're a skunking, fucking skunking fucking

skunk fucker, skunky!

The one thing I wanted from you, you couldn't give me!

I wanted a child!

Oh!

Paul.

Oh.

Yeah, ma.

Stanley Beck.

Eh, Stanley Beck.

Al Pacino.

Sacheen Littlefeather.

Oh yes, Littlefeather.

Gary Cooper.

Marcus Rydell.

Ben Turpin.

Oh yes.

Jon Voight.

Oh and Faye Dunaway.

Sauvier Peugeot.

Charlie Band.

Antonio Lee.

Ele ele ele ele ele.

Mila.

George Putnam.

Donald Duck?

Listen, we've been humping a long time now

and you know, you ain't once caught my joint.

But I have never done that before.

I have no talent, you know, really.

Ha, you don't need any talents.

All you need is your mouth.

But uh...

Really you, you know, you want me to...

Come on. Whip some skull on me, bitch.

I will try.

Um, I want to ask how come I always have no clothes

and you have clothes?

I, uh, I chill quick.

Come on, dive.

Um...

I suppose when you come, you want me to swallow it?

Yeah.

Yeah I want you to swallow.

Don't you love me?

I will.

I will try.

Come on.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Charlie!

All right, all right, up.

I would rather not swallow it.

Why? What do you mean you don't wanna swallow it?

Would you really mind if I did not swallow it?

All right, all right.

Don't, don't...

Get outta here. Don't...

All right, don't. Get out.

All right.

Don't swallow it.

It's not I don't love you.

Yeah.

I really want to swallow it.

All right.

Don't swallow it.

If you don't wanna swallow it, don't swallow it.

I don't mind.

You don't mind if I don't swallow it?

Will you get outta here?

Go in the bathroom.

Hola.

It's for you.

It's your Mother.

Hello mama.

I swallowed it.

Uh, oui.

Oui?

Keep rolling.

Keep rolling.

Oh baby.

Oh yes.

Keep rolling.

Are you rolling?

You are a very bitter man.

Yeah?

You'd be bitter, too, if you come from where I come from.

I had me a rough life.

My father was a drunk.

My Mother was a drunk.

My grandMother was a drunk.

My grandfather was a drunk.

All the animals on our farm used to drink.

Everybody was drunk all the time.

This one night...

This one night, I got all dressed up

to take my girl to a dance

because I like to dance,

especially the Foxtrot, you know?

My father made me late because,

because I had to flick a couple more chickens.

So I asked him if he would flick 'em.

He told me, "Oh fluck you."

Anyhow, I was in a hurry and I didn't have time

to change my shoes.

You see I...

You see, I had chicken shit all over 'em.

In fact they, they called me that for a long time.

Chicken shit shoes.

Later on, in the car, they smell the chicken shit, you know?

Wake up!

What do you want?

Let me see your fingers.

My fingers?

Yeah.

That's a nice one.

Nah.

That's a nice one.

That's, that's okay, too.

Stick 'em up my nose.

Your nose?

Stick 'em.

But I never did that before.

Stick 'em!

Okay.

Yeah.

You cunt!

You got a hang nail!

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh.

Ah.

No!

Ugh.

No!

Don't be difficult.

Cut this shit out now.

Shit, I told you I'll try.

God.

Eh.

All right, it's gonna be difficult.

Now will you leave me alone?

We gotta talk to him.

La pere!

Yeah, will you...

Come on, will you...

Uh, Father, you speak English?

Oh, you speak English?

Yeah, yeah. That's good.

Well I'm from Ireland, you know.

I've been in Paris now for almost 10 years.

I'm glad you speak English. - It's a very nice country.

We're here Father, 'cause we want a burial, you see?

Oh, I see.

Her son and my wife died and uh-

- Oh, your son.

- And we want to get a burial. - I see.

The very best.

You know father, I think,

I think I better level with you.

You see, uh, it was a suicide.

I beg you pardon?

Are you telling me that the deceased is a suicide?

Yeah.

Oh, now that presents a problem.

We wanna get a burial, the very best you got.

Well that's-

- Mass, yeah, we want a big mass.

The church is not allowed to bury suicides.

Yeah, father, I know about that, but there are exceptions.

Maybe...

There are no exceptions.

Don't you understand, it's the church law.

Maybe you can make an exception in this case, yeah.

Yeah, now you get yourself a new frock, huh?

No, no, no. The money has nothing to do with it.

You can't...

Please take this back. You're embarrassing me.

- What are you doin'? What are you doin', huh?

- Take it back- - What are you,

are you pushin' for pope or somethin', hm?

- No, no, it's not that. - Here.

Here. - It's the church law.

Get yourself a nun.

- Stop. - No, that's for you.

Do what you want with it.

This is a very good sum of money,

but I'm not allowed to take anything like that.

You see, I remember in 1937 just shortly

after I was ordained-

- You know, you really are a shitty Father.

You're acting like a real putz, you know that?

- A what? - Putz!

- I beg your pardon. What'd you just say to me?

You're a prick.

You stop that now. You want me to call the police on you?

What kind of language is that, you heathen.

You wouldn't bury your Mother, cock sucker.

Oh, g...

What did you...

A little respect for the woman you're with.

What kind of language is that-Asshole.

Why you...

What a dirty cock sucker Motherfucker,

sucker fucker, trying to break my balls.

Ooh.

Hiya baby.

Hiya baby you-

- What's that?

What's that? Wet sheets?

What's that? You couldn't wait for me, you dirty cunt!

Look how much you've come already!

Shit!

But my lover, I was here so long waiting for you

and you never came to see me. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I had a lovely dream anyway.

Hand me that butter.

- That is margarine. - Shut up!

I know what butter is.

What are you doing?

- Shut up. - Are you crazy?

You do this to me?

Dumb cunt, you coming all over the place without me.

You do this to me every time I see you.

I told you it was margarine.

- Oh who gives a fuck? I'm on a diet anyway.

Are you nuts?

Oh, take this butter off of me.

Am I the best you ever had?

Oui.

Fuckin' A.

You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?

Oui.

Yeah, now repeat after me or I'll stop doin' it.

Oh no, don't stop.

Say, "I hate my fuckin' Mother."

I cannot say this.

Say it or I'll stop doing it.

I hate my fucking Mother.

Louder.

I hate my fucking Mother.

Am I hurtin' ya?

No.

Say I hate my fuckin' church.

No, I cannot say that.

Why?

I'm an atheist.

No jokes, you dumb fuck.

You're breakin' the rhythm.

You'd do anything for me, wouldn't ya?

- Oui. - Yeah.

Am I hurtin' ya?

No.

Would you fuck a skunk for me?

A skunk?

Oui, a skunk.

Hm, oui, I would fuck a skunk.

Good.

Good.

That's good.

Am I hurtin' ya?

No.

Hand me that guitar.

Oh.

Are you going to play for me?

No.

I'm gonna shove it up your ass!

Oh, you filthy fucker!

You shove it up your own ass!

Is it somethin' I said?

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Hiya, baby.

What are you doing in my house anyway?

Can't you see I'm getting married?

Go away.

I told you it is over. It is finished.

Go away.

Yeah.

That's that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I was thinking, where am I going?

I don't know. Just go.

Can't you see I'm getting married?

Now wait a minute.

I know I haven't got much to offer.

I had my balls shot off by a cannon in Cuba.

I need somebody to look after my hemorrhoids

and my prostate, it's the size of a Mississippi Mellon.

But my rod is in good shape.

You know, my uh, my pee pee...

My birdie.

My poo poo.

Poo poo, poo poo. Can't you say prick like anyone?

Yeah, I mean my dinky,

my do-do wig wham dingalinga poo poo.

You are crazy, and this is my house.

Go away.

But seriously, honey.

I'm in love with you and I wanna know your name.

You want to know my name?

Mais oui. This is my name.

Are you sore because I asked you to swallow it?

Gee...

And I thought I was touchy about giving my name.

Now hold it.

Oh, you give good shoe.

Good, good.

Are you kidding me?

God.

One dance won't hurt.

Caca.

Pee pee.

Caca pee pee.

Hiya baby.

♪ If I hold you forever

♪ You need to hold your hands in mine ♪

♪ Would it make you feel like you're on fire ♪

♪ And if I tell you, baby that

♪ Your soul, it's so fine

♪ Can I count on your love forever ♪

♪ Now I'm cryin'

♪ Because I knew about you and I know ♪

♪ That you loved each other

♪ That you touched each other

♪ Why'd you do this to me

♪ Why did you hurt me

♪ Do you know how much I loved you ♪

♪ Girl, you meant the world to me ♪

♪ You were my lover

♪ And now, now it's over

♪ You wanna know why

♪ It's over

♪ It's over

♪ You wanna know why it's over

♪ Because, because you're dead you skunk fucker ♪

♪ Tried to hump my motorcycle

♪ You stripped my gear

♪ You tried to fuck my head

♪ And now you're dead

♪ Oh, Merdo

♪ Where'd you go, Merdo

♪ Are you far

♪ Are you near

♪ Merdo, Merdo

♪ Oh Merdo

♪ Oh, Merdo

♪ Fuck you, Merdo

♪ Fuck you, baby

♪ Fuck you, Merdo

♪ Oh shit, shit Merdo

♪ Fuck you baby

♪ Fuck you

♪ Fuck you

♪ Merdo's shit

♪ I love you, I love you and I'm sorry ♪

♪ And I'm sorry