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My head's forgotten bits of me.

Every day, I was there. You should have fucking helped me.

All right!

'Here's my new friends, Rory and Lachlan.

'Here's my new friends, Rory and Lachlan. 'All right, wee man!

'Rory's going to let me blow his chanter later.

'Rory's going to let me blow his chanter later. 'You just need to learn tae finger it.'

CAMERA CLICKS

Tony, hi! They said you were like a total mong and I would have been

so pissed if you were a vegetable and had to be switched off, yah?

Sorry. Can't place you.

Come on, Tone.

When it happened, before the bus, he was on the phone and he said

something I don't think he remembers.

Chelle.

Chelle. Jesus!

I will remember everything.

Tone...

Who's there?

This programme contains strong language, scenes of a sexual nature and some scenes that viewers may find upsetting.

# Need to know if you're letting go

# It's all right, it's all right

# It's all right

# I didn't know I was hurting you so

# It's all right, it's all right, it's all right

# This is just one of those... #

(MONITOR:) 'Lucy? Can you hear me?'

# The good time's gonna come... #

'Lucy!'

# Good time's gonna come... #

CAMERA CLICKS

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS AND BREATHES HEAVILY)

You wearing perfume, love?

It's the new air freshener thing.

I bought it for the bathroom.

Thought Maxxie got you perfume? Thought, here's posh,

boyfriend who buys you perfume.

boyfriend who buys you perfume. He'd buy me perfume if I asked.

boyfriend who buys you perfume. He'd buy me perfume if I asked. Oh, I know.

Do anything, wouldn't he?

Long as you don't introduce him to the scary disabled mother, that is.

I will introduce him to you.

I will introduce him to you. When the cock crows thrice, I know.

Done?

(BREAKS WIND AND LAUGHS) >

Always leave the waters a tip, that's what your gran used to say.

'Did you hear that?

'The building's coming down, there's nothing we can do.'

If I'm to die,

I'd rather it be with you than anyone else in the world.

Darling, oh, darling, how long I've waited to hear those words.

PIANO PLAYS

# Once I was a lonely banker

# All I cared for were margins and accounts

# I'd pass you on the phone each morning

# I knew one day that love would sprout

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# And now I know how I feel. #

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# Then came the day... #

< No, no, no, no, NO!

No.

Do you know what this is? >

This is my script >

and I'm burning it.

And do you know why? Becau...

Oh, does someone wanna give me a hand here, please?

Quickly, quickly, thank you. Because...You know I've burnt my...

Thing... Because you made it shit!

SHIT!

Do you know what we're doing here?

Do you?

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Max...

This is an opportunity,

a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people.

You're American?

You're American? (PUTS ON AMERICAN ACCENT) Yes, I am. Metaphorically.

Look, in two hours time this woman will be dead. Dead!

And you know why?

Because Osama in pyjamas is making his way up the stairs

to take us unawares.

to take us unawares. Oh, get off me, Bruce.

(PUTS ON AMERICAN ACCENT) Outside the world is crumbling,

the towers are coming down.

But soon...she'll forget.

When two lips... Oh, sod it, time for show and tell.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

Aaarrrgh!

To paraphrase, Mr Punch, son,

"That's the way to do it".

Now, from Michelle's verse!

Come on! Wooh!

# I'd bring you coffee and a bagel

# But you never had the time for me

# I dreamed that one day you'd say, "Hey, girl"

# "That bagel's mighty fine, it's plain to see"

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# And now you know how I feel

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away... #

LIGHT CRASHES

SCREAMING

What the fuck?!

It just slipped. Sorry.

(LAUGHS)

Not funny, OK? This is like the 15th present this week.

It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker?

It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker? I wish he'd just tell me who he is.

What is it?

What is it? An Oscar?

Full of chocolate.

Every actor's dream though, innit?

Every actor's dream though, innit? What are you talking about, mate?

Stalker - the ultimate accessory.

Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar.

Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar. Sid!

No, he's right. See theses hands, fucking friction burns, man!

My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream.

I'm gonna get you laid tonight.

I'll bring some spare hand cream, you just bring your smile!

'Fucking leave me alone, will you.'

No seriously, Sid, what have you come as? A cardboard Big Dickus?

Gladiator to the stars.

Fuck off! >

So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk. Do you think he's coming tonight?

Shit! It could be any one of these people.

Don't!

If he was clever he'd come as a sort of film where the stalker wins.

You know, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings.

What? How is Four Weddings about stalking?

Four weddings? One funeral?

And Hugh just happens to be at all five.

You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that.

You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that. Oh. My. God.

Go on, guess. Guess.

Eh, give up?

Daisy Werthan.

I don't know who she is either.

Driving Miss Daisy! Best Picture Oscar, 1990.

And this is my man, who is...

Morgan Freeman.

No! How many times have I got to tell you?

OK, you're Hoke. Yeah? Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke.

You don't know the first thing about films do you, Kenneth?

And how many films have you seen, Chris?

And how many films have you seen, Chris? What? Counting porn?

Well, no.

Well, no. One.

Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic.

Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film -

it was called Fisting Miss Daisy. It's a really good film.

Really stood up to the original.

Phenomenal.

Here comes my leading lady.

Hoo, what an entrance!

What? Oh!

Princess Leia, right? Jinx!

And you look, so

home made.

Doesn't she, Tony? Gloriously quaint.

Hi, Michelle.

You dressed as Luke? For her?

Well, I guess I...

Did I?

Tony!

You think either of them's actually seen Star Wars?

You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

I stood here solid and no-one could rock me.

But now comes a mullah who'll awe and shock me...

Yep, that works. That really works. That's lovely.

Mr Gelpart. >

Well, I never, the light dropper.

Thank you, sincerely.

You made the rehearsal feel... dangerous.

I want to act.

Yeah, well who doesn't?

I need Michelle's part.

What?

She's terrible.

I should play her.

Oh, my dear...

Acting is about truth.

Truth is about beauty.

Ugly people lack believability.

Now, how can I put this kindly?

You look like a liar.

I really want that part.

Not on my ship, darling.

In there, mate. Let's see what we can grab.

Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at?

Whoa! Shit!

If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.

What's the plan then, Rambo?

It's an ancient dating strategy for getting laid.

Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below.

An eight, goes for a six.

That way, guaranteed success.

Look,

a poodle doesn't get nothing with a labrador,

but if he aims for a chihuahua? Woof!

So what number are you then, hound-dog?

A seven.

A six?

I'm not a five.

Am I a five?

Mate. You're a seven. Course you are.

Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah?

# You like to think that you're immune to this stuff, oh yeah

# It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough

# You know, you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love

# You see the signs, but you can't read

# You're running at a different speed

# Your heart beats in double time

# Another kiss and you'll be mine

# A one track mind

# You can't be saved

# Oblivion is all you crave

# If there's some left for you

# You don't mind if you do

# You like to think you're immune to this stuff... #

Mate, I've found your five. Wait here.

What? Where?

Hi, hello.

Hi, I, er...

You were the one who dropped the light, right?

Maxxie. You're a fucking genius.

You're single, right?

What?

You got a boyfriend?

A guy?

No. I've got no-one.

I mean, yeah. I'm single.

Cool. So what do you say,

dance with my mate, Anwar?

He's seventh heaven.

Anwar?

Yeah. Anwar, baby. 007.

And you, my Chanel No 5.

Sorry. I've got to go.

What? Hang on.

You sure I'm a seven?

Let's look for some fours, shall we?

Just in case.

PARTY MUSIC MUFFLED

I can't believe after everything that's happened,

you'd bring her to the party.

She, er, says I'm her boyfriend.

You're not Tony any more, are you?

Yeah, I'm Tony.

OK.

On the day of the accident, you were on the phone to me.

Tell me what you said.

Doctors told me some things would take a while to come back.

OK, then.

Let's bring you back.

Come on, come on. I want to touch you.

I can't...

Course you can.

Oh. You're not...

No. I'm not.

I've got to go.

Not worth it, are they?

Who the fuck are you?

How come boys could do that to us?

Make us feel like shit?

He didn't...

You don't understand.

OK.

It's difficult for him now.

Us now.

But do you remember what it was like to kiss him for the first time?

That magic moment when everything changed?

Fancy a beer?

# See a sign of the old hotel

# We used to stay there

# Empty and threadbare, water running cold

# Search the streets for old friends

# Met only strangers

# None who remember

# None who would take me home... #

TOY SQUEAKS

DOG GROWLS

NEARBY SCREAMING AND BANGING

Is that you, Maxxie? >

It's the dog, I'm telling you.

PLAINTIVE PIANO MUSIC

MUSIC SWELLS TO CRESCENDO

# This is yours, oh... #

DOOR SLAMS

Hey, Dad. Night. >

DOG GENTLY WHINES

MOBILE RINGS

(LUCY) 'Underpants.

'To the mirror.

'Cupboard.

'Trousers.

'Back to the mirror.'

Aftershave.

SQUIRTING

Mirror again.

Lucy? That you, love? >

Lucy? >

Yes, Mum.

I need a hand in here. >

Jesus, Mum! What happened?

When you weren't back when you said, I thought you'd gone to bed.

But I wanted to check and...

Am I wet?

I'm wet, aren't I?

Did you spend the night with him, love?

Did you spend the night with him, love? Don't.

Let's get these wet clothes off.

No wait. Better give me a pain pill first.

Better make it two.

Better make it two. No. The doctor said.

They're emetics. I don't want you vomiting.

You're a good girl.

< Maxxie's lucky to have you.

Mum?

I've got something to tell you.

It was my fault.

I was stupid.

I wanted to be alone so I went and sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

And Bruce...

Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher...

He came in and asked whether I wanted comforting.

And I didn't say no.

It was his party and his house so...

And it was just his hands.

Mr Gelpart's hands.

I mean, he...didn't make me touch him or put his anything near me.

Just kissed me on the cheek...

and kept kissing me

and rubbing his hands over me.

And he said I was great...

because I had little tits.

"Almost like a boy," he said.

And that was it. >

He didn't even touch any other part of me. >

Just my cheek...

and my tits.

Right. Cheek and tits. Right.

Right.

< Tits.

Right.

Oh, dear!

# Come on and want it

# You gotta want it Step your back

# Come on and own it

# You gotta own it Step your back

# Hey

# Fuck the people

# Hey

# Fuck the people. #

I heard he got his cock out and there's a tattoo of Harry Potter,

and he started shouting at Sketch "Kiss Harry to make him magic".

Drama teachers, man. "Pretend to be a tree".

"But I'm not a tree". "Well, pretend".

Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em!

Is it true?

Yeah. It's true.

That creep! That fucking animal!

< I'm so sorry, Sketch.

I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't going to say anything,

but my mum insisted. Have I ruined everything? The play and...

Fuck the play! Come and sit with us.

That's grown-up, Tony.

I've finished. That's all.

What you doing, you tramp?

In my culture, we share our food. >

Michelle's got a new friend then.

< Yeah.

It's a Saveloy, man. It draws me in. It's the devil's plaything. >

It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard.

Come on, Sketch. We can do better than these two. Let's go. >

BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

Sketch?

Sketch?

'Who is this?'

Who's this? Who are you?

We've had enough of you kids playing. Leave us alone!

What? Look! Do you have a daughter at the school?

None of your business. Leave us alone! >

I need to know! This is important. Look, my name's Maxxie.

Your name's Maxxie?

Yeah.

Maxxie in the school play? >

Maxxie who's dating my daughter?

What?!

What are you doing answering the door...?

What are you doing answering the door...? The disgrace! Disgrace?

Lies, all lies! A boyfriend?

No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't.

No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't. After all I've done for you, you fucking... You fucking!

Oh my God! The drama teacher?

You lied about him too, haven't you!

Well, I'm not gonna let you ruin a man's life.

Ow! No! I didn't bring you up to be a liar!

You didn't bring me up at all! You fucking...cripple!

So...what?

You going to keep holding me to the bed all day and all night, are you?

Whatever trouble you're in, I'll support you.

But this is a man's life.

It's for your own good.

Crawling out of bed isn't good for you.

I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum.

OK?

DOOR CLOSES

Lucy?

Lucy!

# Just time to say the things I must

# Before my hopes all turn to dust

# Now nothing seems to matter

# And every word is true

# When I say I'm blown away

# With you

# Then came the day

# You blew me away

# Osama blew them away

# What can I say?

# You blew me away

# And now I'm falling...

# Now I'm falling

# We're falling...

# In love. #

Ah, the magic of the stage. The thrill of anticipation.

I feel like a Roman about to throw a lion at the Christians.

Chris, it's a school musical.

But who do you think would win between Maxxie and a lion?

'Osama the Musical, this is your half-hour call.'

Do you want to help me get dressed?

You want me to look good, don't you?

You nervous?

Oh, God. On a scale of one to... Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it!

You're gonna be so good.

I'm under-rehearsed and shit!

Do you want something to get you through it?

What have you got?

Pills of my mum's.

You need to take three to get a decent hit.

Anti-anxieties. They'll chill you out.

Go on, I'd love to help you out.

OK, thanks.

< (RETCHES AND VOMITS)

My mother was right!

"Do science", she said, "Do science. Science makes sense."

But the lights drew me... like a moth to a flame.

Right! Nothing for it. Cancellation o'clock.

I know the words!

What?!

What?! You do?

Oh, my God!

I've been helping her learn them. I know them all.

I think you just saved my Welsh rarebit.

Let's get you into costume. >

We're over ten minutes late now. It's time for action.

If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Tony. That's someone's seat.

Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee.

Zzzzzz! (GIGGLES)

MUSIC STARTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Works every time.

# We-e-e-e-e-e're...

# The last of the super powers

# George Dubya is our leader

# We've still got both Twin Towers

# Never heard of Al-Qaeda

# It's September the 11th

# Just another day

# In a tower in downtown heaven

# New York City

# U S of A

# Today will be better

# Today will be the one

# Today is no red letter

# It's out there to be won

# Today my sun is shining

# Today is somewhere new

# Today's a silver lining

# Today will see me through

# Today will be better

# Today will be the one

# Today is no red letter

# It's out there to be won

# Today you'll know I love you

# Today you'll see it's true

# Today's a day for saying I love you

What a swell day to live in America!

Gee, it sure is, buddy! >

How much do you make today?

< One million bucks!

< Did you see the Wall Street Journal?

< Stocks are rising! Have a nice day! Have a nice day!

TAP DANCING

# Today will be better

# Today will be the one... #

DOOR OPENS

Michelle? >

I'm in here, Tony.

TOILET DOOR CLOSES

Don't come in.

I've got vomit in my hair.

I just searched half the school for you.

I don't know why.

Because you care about me.

I told you I loved you, didn't I? The day it happened.

The accident.

Do you actually remember or is that a guess?

Does it matter? Doesn't change anything.

No.

Should I say something else now?

No.

Let's just say nothing for a bit.

SONG IN MUSICAL ENDS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Michelle? Is Chelle OK?

I just gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit.

The look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse.

Who the fuck are you?

Do you believe in magic, Maxxie?

When we kiss...

When we kiss...

I'm gay!

Do you understand that?!

Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get!

You could love me.

We could love each other.

You're fucking crazy!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

# I'm Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Let's get stuffed

# He's the Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Watch him move... #

You see? Just like a boy.

Can you feel how hard my heart is beating?

That's because by the end of this play, you'll have kissed me.

And when you kiss me, everything will change. Maxxie, I love you.

EXPLOSION

SCREAMING

EXPLOSION AND SCREAMING

That's our cue.

PIANO PLAYS

# Once I was a lonely banker

# All I cared for were margins and accounts

# I dreamed

# Of Dow Jones and the FTSE

# I didn't see my credit running out

# I passed you on the phone each morning

# I always gave a cheery smile

# But you

# You never even saw me

# You were far too busy all the while

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# And now you know how I feel

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them away

# Then came the day Osama blew us away

# Osama blew them... #

# Osama blew them... # Nothing.

I felt...nothing.

You disgust me.

No!

That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not!

You think you can fuck my life up and I'll start fancying you?

Look at yourself.

Stay out of my life.

Now that's an ending!

(SCREAMS)

# Anyone can tell you

# There's no more road to ride

# Everyone will tell you there's no place to hide

# There's no laws or rules to unchain your life

# But the ones who didn't make it

# The ones who couldn't take it so bad

# And made it out

# The light

# Everyone loves the fun Everyone comes by

# In the wind I crunch I want...

# ..To die... #

# ..To die... # You look beautiful.

< You always look beautiful to me.

# ..Or let me drink my fill

# The heart wants to explode far away

# Where nobody knows. #

Argh! Fuck!

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Uh...

Well, um...

Maxxie says you're a psycho.

He thinks I fancy him.

I don't. I fancy you.

I wanna have sex with you. >

But I can't do it from out here, can I?

Shit, man. Biology revision here I come!

I'm a virgin.

Oh. Congratulations.

You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since '92?

Slow things down.

Bitter Moon.

Remains of the Day.

Sirens. Four Weddings.

An Awfully Big Adventure - that one was rubbish.

The Englishman Who Came...

Came Up A Hill...

And Went Down A Mountain.

Nine Months. Sense...

And Sensibil...

Restoration. Extreme Measures.

Ah... Notting Hill. Mickey Blue Eyes.

Small Time Crooks.

Bridget Jones! Ah!

Bridget...Jones!

Ah!

# ..Beautiful da-a-a-y... #

I never get as far as About A Boy.

# ..The good times come and go

# Oh

# Lord

# The times come and go

# Oh...

# ..The good times come and go

# Yeah-h-h

# Need to know if you're letting go

# It's all right

# It's all right

# It's all right... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd