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Edited at https://subtitletools.com

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My head's forgotten bits of me.

3
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Every day, I was there.
You should have fucking helped me.

4
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All right!

5
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'Here's my new friends,
Rory and Lachlan.

6
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,400
'Here's my new friends,
Rory and Lachlan.
'All right, wee man!

7
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'Rory's going to let me
blow his chanter later.

8
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'Rory's going to let me
blow his chanter later.
'You just need to learn
tae finger it.'

9
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,640
CAMERA CLICKS

10
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Tony, hi! They said you were like
a total mong and I would have been

11
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so pissed if you were a vegetable
and had to be switched off, yah?

12
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Sorry. Can't place you.

13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,400
Come on, Tone.

14
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When it happened, before the bus,
he was on the phone and he said

15
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something I don't think he remembers.

16
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:41,720
Chelle.

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Chelle.
Jesus!

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I will remember everything.

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Tone...

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00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,360
Who's there?

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This programme contains strong
language, scenes of a sexual nature
and some scenes that viewers may
find upsetting.

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00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,840


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I was hurting you so

26
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it's all right, it's all right

27
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:33,640


28
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(MONITOR:) 'Lucy? Can you hear me?'

29
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,840


30
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'Lucy!'

31
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:51,480


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CAMERA CLICKS

33
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(GROANS)

34
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(GROANS)

35
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(SIGHS AND BREATHES HEAVILY)

36
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You wearing perfume, love?

37
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,040
It's the new air freshener thing.

38
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,960
I bought it for the bathroom.

39
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Thought Maxxie got you perfume?
Thought, here's posh,

40
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:21,480
boyfriend who buys you perfume.

41
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,880
boyfriend who buys you perfume.
He'd buy me perfume if I asked.

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boyfriend who buys you perfume.
He'd buy me perfume if I asked.
Oh, I know.

43
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Do anything, wouldn't he?

44
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,080
Long as you don't introduce him to
the scary disabled mother, that is.

45
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I will introduce him to you.

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I will introduce him to you.
When the cock crows thrice, I know.

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Done?

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00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,720
(BREAKS WIND AND LAUGHS) andgt;

49
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Always leave the waters a tip,
that's what your gran used to say.

50
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'Did you hear that?

51
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'The building's coming down,
there's nothing we can do.'

52
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If I'm to die,

53
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I'd rather it be with you
than anyone else in the world.

54
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Darling, oh, darling, how long
I've waited to hear those words.

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PIANO PLAYS

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were margins and accounts

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on the phone each morning

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love would sprout

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Osama blew us away

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00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,440


62
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,440


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Osama blew us away

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00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,240


65
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Osama blew us away

66
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,240


67
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andlt; No, no, no, no, NO!

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No.

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Do you know what this is? andgt;

71
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,000
This is my script andgt;

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and I'm burning it.

73
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,720
And do you know why? Becau...

74
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,520
Oh, does someone wanna
give me a hand here, please?

75
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,040
Quickly, quickly, thank you.
Because...You know I've burnt my...

76
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Thing... Because you made it shit!

77
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SHIT!

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Do you know what we're doing here?

79
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Do you?

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(SIGHS HEAVILY)

81
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,440
Max...

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This is an opportunity,

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a real opportunity,
to tell the tragedy of my people.

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You're American?

85
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You're American?
(PUTS ON AMERICAN ACCENT) Yes, I am.
Metaphorically.

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Look, in two hours time
this woman will be dead. Dead!

87
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And you know why?

88
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Because Osama in pyjamas is making
his way up the stairs

89
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to take us  unawares.

90
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to take us  unawares.
Oh, get off me, Bruce.

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(PUTS ON AMERICAN ACCENT)
Outside the world is crumbling,

92
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the towers are coming down.

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But soon...she'll forget.

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When two lips...
Oh, sod it, time for show and tell.

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(GROANS)

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(LAUGHS)

97
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Aaarrrgh!

98
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To paraphrase, Mr Punch, son,

99
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andquot;That's the way to do it

100
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Now, from Michelle's verse!

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Come on! Wooh!

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103
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104
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one day you'd say, andquot;Hey, girl

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fine, it's plain to seeandquot;

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Osama blew us away

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108
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109
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Osama blew us away

110
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,920


111
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LIGHT CRASHES

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SCREAMING

113
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What the fuck?!

114
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It just slipped. Sorry.

115
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(LAUGHS)

116
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,840
Not funny, OK? This is like
the 15th present this week.

117
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,840
It's getting quite spooky, innit?
How's he getting in your  locker?

118
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It's getting quite spooky, innit?
How's he getting in your  locker?
I wish he'd just tell me who he is.

119
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What is it?

120
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,960
What is it?
An Oscar?

121
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Full of chocolate.

122
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Every actor's dream though, innit?

123
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,960
Every actor's dream though, innit?
What are you talking about, mate?

124
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,880
Stalker - the ultimate accessory.

125
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,160
Not everyone's as desperate
for sex as you, Anwar.

126
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,280
Not everyone's as desperate
for sex as you, Anwar.
Sid!

127
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,000
No, he's right. See theses hands,
fucking friction burns, man!

128
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My sisters are getting suspicious
about their disappearing hand cream.

129
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I'm gonna get you laid tonight.

130
00:08:53,520 --> 00:09:32,000
I'll bring some spare hand cream,
you just bring your smile!

131
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,000
'Fucking leave me alone, will you.'

132
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,400
No seriously, Sid, what have you
come as? A cardboard Big Dickus?

133
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Gladiator to the stars.

134
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,880
Fuck off! andgt;

135
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,840
So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk.
Do you think he's coming tonight?

136
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,000
Shit! It could be any
one of these people.

137
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,040
Don't!

138
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,400
If he was clever he'd come as a
sort of film where the stalker wins.

139
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,520
You know,
Hugh Grant in Four Weddings.

140
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,800
What?
How is Four Weddings about stalking?

141
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,680
Four weddings? One funeral?

142
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,720
And Hugh just happens
to be at all five.

143
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,840
You'd think Andie MacDowell
was cleverer than that.

144
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,840
You'd think Andie MacDowell
was cleverer than that.
Oh. My. God.

145
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,720
Go on, guess. Guess.

146
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,760
Eh, give up?

147
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:17,560
Daisy Werthan.

148
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,640
I don't know who she is either.

149
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,840
Driving Miss Daisy!
Best Picture Oscar, 1990.

150
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,600
And this is my man, who is...

151
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:26,680
Morgan Freeman.

152
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,720
No! How many times
have I got to tell you?

153
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,720
OK, you're Hoke. Yeah?
Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke.

154
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,520
You don't know the first thing
about films do you, Kenneth?

155
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:37,720
And how many films
have you seen, Chris?

156
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:38,960
And how many films
have you seen, Chris?
What? Counting porn?

157
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:39,720
Well, no.

158
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:40,760
Well, no.
One.

159
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,960
Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic.

160
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880
Interestingly, they did make
a porn version of the film -

161
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,800
it was called Fisting Miss Daisy.
It's a really good film.

162
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,520
Really stood up to the original.

163
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,520
Phenomenal.

164
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,880
Here comes my leading lady.

165
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,880
Hoo, what an entrance!

166
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,800
What?  Oh!

167
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,320
Princess Leia, right? Jinx!

168
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,680
And you look, so

169
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,280
home made.

170
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,680
Doesn't she, Tony?
Gloriously quaint.

171
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,040
Hi, Michelle.

172
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,640
You dressed as Luke? For her?

173
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,640
Well, I guess I...

174
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,200
Did I?

175
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,960
Tony!

176
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,240
You think either of them's
actually seen Star Wars?

177
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:55,240
You reckon they know
Luke's her brother?

178
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:06,000
I stood here solid and
no-one could rock me.

179
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,400
But now comes a mullah
who'll awe and shock me...

180
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,000
Yep, that works. That really works.
That's lovely.

181
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,680
Mr Gelpart. andgt;

182
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,880
Well, I never, the light dropper.

183
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,880
Thank you, sincerely.

184
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,120
You made the rehearsal feel...
dangerous.

185
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,680
I want to act.

186
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,000
Yeah, well who doesn't?

187
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,160
I need Michelle's part.

188
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,760
What?

189
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,240
She's terrible.

190
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,480
I should play her.

191
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,480
Oh, my dear...

192
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,600
Acting is about truth.

193
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:48,240
Truth is about beauty.

194
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,960
Ugly people lack believability.

195
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,480
Now, how can I put this kindly?

196
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,480
You look like a liar.

197
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,280
I really want that part.

198
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,280
Not on my ship, darling.

199
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,160
In there, mate.
Let's see what we can grab.

200
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,760
Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at?

201
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,520
Whoa! Shit!

202
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,920
If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.

203
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,200
What's the plan then, Rambo?

204
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,000
It's an ancient dating
strategy for getting laid.

205
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,000
Mark yourself out of ten,
and then aim two points below.

206
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,840
An eight, goes for a six.

207
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,840
That way, guaranteed success.

208
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,560
Look,

209
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,800
a poodle doesn't get nothing
with a labrador,

210
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,600
but if he aims for a chihuahua? Woof!

211
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,960
So what number are
you then, hound-dog?

212
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,960
A seven.

213
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,800
A six?

214
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,200
I'm not a five.

215
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,280
Am I a five?

216
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,600
Mate. You're a seven.
Course you are.

217
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,600
Yeah, baby! So we need
to find me a five, yeah?

218
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,240

immune to this stuff, oh yeah

219
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,520

to say you can't get enough

220
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:19,080

face it, you're addicted to love

221
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,240

but you can't read

222
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:27,240


223
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:31,400


224
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,400


225
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,640


226
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,560


227
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,560


228
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,360


229
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:53,360


230
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,680

you're immune to this stuff...

231
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,280
Mate, I've found your five.
Wait here.

232
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,200
What? Where?

233
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,160
Hi, hello.

234
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,280
Hi, I, er...

235
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:08,280
You were the one who
dropped the light, right?

236
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,760
Maxxie. You're a fucking genius.

237
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,560
You're single, right?

238
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,360
What?

239
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,040
You got a boyfriend?

240
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,760
A guy?

241
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,680
No. I've got no-one.

242
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,800
I mean, yeah. I'm single.

243
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,200
Cool. So what do you say,

244
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,040
dance with my mate, Anwar?

245
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,440
He's seventh heaven.

246
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,720
Anwar?

247
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,280
Yeah. Anwar, baby. 007.

248
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,280
And you, my Chanel No 5.

249
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:48,400
Sorry. I've got to go.

250
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,400
What? Hang on.

251
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,800
You sure I'm a seven?

252
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:04,320
Let's look for some fours, shall we?

253
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,320
Just in case.

254
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,600
PARTY MUSIC MUFFLED

255
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,880
I can't believe after everything
that's happened,

256
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:42,240
you'd bring her to the party.

257
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,240
She, er, says I'm her boyfriend.

258
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,480
You're not Tony any more, are you?

259
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,840
Yeah, I'm Tony.

260
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,080
OK.

261
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,240
On the day of the accident,
you were on the phone to me.

262
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:08,240
Tell me what you said.

263
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,560
Doctors told me some things
would take a while to come back.

264
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,720
OK, then.

265
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,760
Let's bring you back.

266
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,880
Come on, come  on.
I want to touch you.

267
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,360
I can't...

268
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:45,360
Course you can.

269
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,880
Oh. You're not...

270
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,640
No. I'm not.

271
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:09,560
I've got to go.

272
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,080
Not worth it, are they?

273
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:24,080
Who the fuck are you?

274
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,360
How come boys could do that to us?

275
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,720
Make us feel like shit?

276
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,720
He didn't...

277
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,000
You don't understand.

278
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,120
OK.

279
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:48,120
It's difficult for him now.

280
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,400
Us now.

281
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,920
But do you remember what it was like
to kiss him for the first time?

282
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:04,360
That magic moment when
everything changed?

283
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:18,800
Fancy a beer?

284
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,520


285
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:32,040


286
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,040

water running cold

287
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:44,200


288
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:48,200


289
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:52,400


290
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:56,400


291
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,080
TOY SQUEAKS

292
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,080
DOG GROWLS

293
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,440
NEARBY SCREAMING AND BANGING

294
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,960
Is that you, Maxxie? andgt;

295
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:01,560
It's the dog, I'm telling you.

296
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:03,320
PLAINTIVE PIANO MUSIC

297
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:15,280
MUSIC SWELLS TO CRESCENDO

298
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:27,120


299
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:28,160
DOOR SLAMS

300
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:32,160
Hey, Dad. Night. andgt;

301
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:17,000
DOG GENTLY WHINES

302
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:31,280
MOBILE RINGS

303
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,480
(LUCY) 'Underpants.

304
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,480
'To the mirror.

305
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,880
'Cupboard.

306
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,200
'Trousers.

307
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,120
'Back to the mirror.'

308
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,720
Aftershave.

309
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,720
SQUIRTING

310
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:08,040
Mirror again.

311
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,680
Lucy? That you, love? andgt;

312
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:37,640
Lucy? andgt;

313
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,160
Yes, Mum.

314
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,160
I need a hand in here. andgt;

315
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,200
Jesus, Mum! What happened?

316
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,520
When you weren't back when you said,
I thought you'd gone to bed.

317
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,320
But I wanted to check and...

318
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,120
Am I wet?

319
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:57,120
I'm wet, aren't I?

320
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,040
Did you spend
the night with him, love?

321
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,840
Did you spend
the night with him, love?
Don't.

322
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,520
Let's get these wet clothes off.

323
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:13,520
No wait.
Better give me a pain pill first.

324
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,320
Better make it two.

325
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,720
Better make it two.
No. The doctor said.

326
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,720
They're emetics.
I don't want you vomiting.

327
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,840
You're a good girl.

328
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,840
andlt; Maxxie's lucky to have you.

329
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,960
Mum?

330
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,720
I've got something to tell you.

331
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,960
It was my fault.

332
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,560
I was stupid.

333
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,560
I wanted to be alone so I went and
sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

334
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,480
And Bruce...

335
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,400
Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher...

336
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,960
He came in and asked
whether I wanted comforting.

337
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,120
And I didn't say no.

338
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:03,000
It was his party and his house so...

339
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,560
And it was just his hands.

340
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,200
Mr Gelpart's hands.

341
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,200
I mean, he...didn't make me touch
him or put his anything near me.

342
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,480
Just kissed me on the cheek...

343
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,320
and kept kissing me

344
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,000
and rubbing his hands over me.

345
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,320
And he said I was great...

346
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,080
because I had little tits.

347
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,400
andquot;Almost like a boy,

348
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,320
And that was it. andgt;

349
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,520
He didn't even touch
any other part of me. andgt;

350
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,240
Just my cheek...

351
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,240
and my tits.

352
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:45,120
Right. Cheek and tits. Right.

353
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,280
Right.

354
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,600
andlt; Tits.

355
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:51,640
Right.

356
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,640
Oh, dear!

357
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,480


358
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,480

Step your back

359
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,520


360
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,520

Step your back

361
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,120


362
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:19,120


363
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,960


364
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,960


365
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,120
I heard he got his cock out and
there's a tattoo of Harry Potter,

366
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:32,960
and he started shouting at Sketch
andquot;Kiss Harry to make him magic

367
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,600
Drama teachers, man.
andquot;Pretend to be a tree

368
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,720
andquot;But I'm not a tree
andquot;Well, pretend

369
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,720
Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em!

370
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,080
Is it true?

371
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,280
Yeah. It's true.

372
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,520
That creep! That fucking animal!

373
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,440
andlt; I'm so sorry, Sketch.

374
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,840
I'm the one who should be sorry.
I wasn't going to say anything,

375
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,840
but my mum insisted. Have I
ruined everything? The play and...

376
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,800
Fuck the play! Come and sit with us.

377
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,520
That's grown-up, Tony.

378
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,520
I've finished. That's all.

379
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,760
What you doing, you tramp?

380
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,680
In my culture, we share our food. andgt;

381
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,640
Michelle's got a new friend then.

382
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:41,480
andlt; Yeah.

383
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,080
It's a Saveloy, man. It draws me in.
It's the devil's plaything. andgt;

384
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,920
It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard.

385
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,920
Come on, Sketch.  We can do better
than these two.  Let's go. andgt;

386
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:26,040
BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

387
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,760
Sketch?

388
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,000
Sketch?

389
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,360
'Who is this?'

390
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,160
Who's this? Who are you?

391
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,000
We've had enough of you kids
playing. Leave us alone!

392
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,840
What? Look! Do you have
a daughter at the school?

393
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,800
None of your business.
Leave us alone! andgt;

394
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,800
I need to know! This is important.
Look, my name's Maxxie.

395
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,480
Your name's Maxxie?

396
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:51,880
Yeah.

397
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,400
Maxxie in the school play? andgt;

398
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:59,400
Maxxie who's dating my daughter?

399
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,560
What?!

400
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,240
What are you doing
answering the door...?

401
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,160
What are you doing
answering the door...?
The disgrace!  Disgrace?

402
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,560
Lies, all lies!  A boyfriend?

403
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,120
No, you haven't.
In the musical? No, you haven't.

404
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,120
No, you haven't.
In the musical? No, you haven't.
After all I've done for you,
you fucking... You fucking!

405
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,440
Oh my God! The drama teacher?

406
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:21,040
You lied about him too, haven't you!

407
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:25,040
Well, I'm not gonna
let you ruin a man's life.

408
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,680
Ow! No! I didn't
bring you up to be a liar!

409
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,680
You didn't bring me up at all!
You fucking...cripple!

410
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,160
So...what?

411
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,160
You going to keep holding me to the
bed all day and all night, are you?

412
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,320
Whatever trouble you're in,
I'll support you.

413
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:55,320
But this is a man's life.

414
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,800
It's for your own good.

415
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,360
Crawling out of bed
isn't good for you.

416
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:08,360
I will not...
let you fuck up my life, Mum.

417
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:12,360
OK?

418
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,280
DOOR CLOSES

419
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:32,480
Lucy?

420
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:36,480
Lucy!

421
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:42,040


422
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:48,200


423
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,040


424
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:55,560


425
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:58,240


426
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:02,240


427
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,200


428
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,480


429
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:11,480


430
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,440


431
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:16,840


432
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,000


433
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,400


434
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:23,680


435
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:27,680


436
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,800
Ah, the magic of the stage.
The thrill of anticipation.

437
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,840
I feel like a Roman about to
throw a lion at the Christians.

438
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,400
Chris, it's a school musical.

439
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,040
But who do you think would win
between Maxxie and a lion?

440
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,040
'Osama the Musical,
this is your half-hour call.'

441
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,280
Do you want to help me get dressed?

442
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:56,280
You want me to look good,
don't you?

443
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:58,000
You nervous?

444
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:02,000
Oh, God. On a scale of one to...
Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it!

445
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,720
You're gonna be so good.

446
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,880
I'm under-rehearsed and shit!

447
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:09,800
Do you want something
to get you through it?

448
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:10,840
What have you got?

449
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,840
Pills of my mum's.

450
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,920
You need to take three
to get a decent hit.

451
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:25,520
Anti-anxieties.
They'll chill you out.

452
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:29,520
Go on, I'd love to help you out.

453
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:34,640
OK, thanks.

454
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:47,120
andlt; (RETCHES AND VOMITS)

455
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,800
My mother was right!

456
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,800
andquot;Do science
andquot;Do science. Science makes sense.

457
00:33:57,800 --> 00:34:01,800
But the lights drew me...
like a moth to a flame.

458
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,160
Right! Nothing for it.
Cancellation o'clock.

459
00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,680
I know the words!

460
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:10,400
What?!

461
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,320
What?!
You do?

462
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:14,840
Oh, my God!

463
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,240
I've been helping her learn them.
I know them all.

464
00:34:18,240 --> 00:34:21,960
I think you just
saved my Welsh rarebit.

465
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:25,960
Let's get you into costume. andgt;

466
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,520
We're over ten minutes late now.
It's time for action.

467
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,000
If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then
Mohammed will clap until it does.

468
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:48,040
Hi, Tony.

469
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,680
Hi, Tony.
That's someone's seat.

470
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,240
Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee.

471
00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,920
Zzzzzz! (GIGGLES)

472
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:57,720
MUSIC STARTS

473
00:34:57,720 --> 00:34:59,920
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

474
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:03,920
Works every time.

475
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:08,520


476
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:13,920


477
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,560


478
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:21,360


479
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,800


480
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,160


481
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,880


482
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:34,880


483
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,480


484
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:42,480


485
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,680


486
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,360


487
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,720


488
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:58,160


489
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,680


490
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:02,760


491
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,440


492
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:08,440


493
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,480


494
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,080


495
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:15,520


496
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:18,240


497
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:20,040


498
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,840


499
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:26,840


500
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,720
What a swell day to live in America!

501
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,720
Gee, it sure is, buddy! andgt;

502
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,160
How much do you make today?

503
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,320
andlt; One million bucks!

504
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,520
andlt; Did you see
the Wall Street Journal?

505
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,880
andlt; Stocks are rising!
Have a nice day! Have a nice day!

506
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:51,880
TAP DANCING

507
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,480


508
00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:04,480


509
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,480
DOOR OPENS

510
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:08,880
Michelle? andgt;

511
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,920
I'm in here, Tony.

512
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,760
TOILET DOOR CLOSES

513
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:15,280
Don't come in.

514
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:19,280
I've got vomit in my hair.

515
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:29,440
I just searched
half the school for you.

516
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,160
I don't know why.

517
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:36,160
Because you care about me.

518
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,200
I told you I loved you, didn't I?
The day it happened.

519
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:44,200
The accident.

520
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:48,320
Do you actually remember
or is that a guess?

521
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:52,320
Does it matter?
Doesn't change anything.

522
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,480
No.

523
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:02,760
Should I say something else now?

524
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,720
No.

525
00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:09,720
Let's just say nothing for a bit.

526
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:11,680
SONG IN MUSICAL ENDS

527
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:18,000
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

528
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,520
Michelle? Is Chelle OK?

529
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,040
I just gave her some mild
stuff to make her vomit.

530
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,360
The look of her waist,
I'm sure she's thrown up worse.

531
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,240
Who the fuck are you?

532
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:44,240
Do you believe in magic, Maxxie?

533
00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:45,400
When we kiss...

534
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:46,760
When we kiss...

535
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:48,080
I'm gay!

536
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:49,880
Do you understand that?!

537
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,720
Look at me! I'm as close
to a boy as you can get!

538
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,760
You could love me.

539
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,400
We could love each other.

540
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:58,920
You're fucking crazy!

541
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,920
Excuse me. Excuse me.

542
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,320

Let's get stuffed

543
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,440

Watch him move...

544
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:16,000
You see? Just like a boy.

545
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,440
Can you feel how hard
my heart is beating?

546
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,320
That's because by the end
of this play, you'll have kissed me.

547
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:26,320
And when you kiss me, everything
will change. Maxxie, I love you.

548
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,080
EXPLOSION

549
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:33,080
SCREAMING

550
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,600
EXPLOSION AND SCREAMING

551
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:51,000
That's our cue.

552
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:55,000
PIANO PLAYS

553
00:39:57,160 --> 00:40:01,160


554
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,680

were margins and accounts

555
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,000


556
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:15,000


557
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:19,400


558
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:25,800

on the phone each morning

559
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,400


560
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:35,920


561
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:39,920


562
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:44,000

far too busy all the while

563
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:50,480

Osama blew us away

564
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:55,200


565
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:59,200


566
00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:06,280

Osama blew us away

567
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:10,520


568
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,800

Osama blew us away

569
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:19,840


570
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,840

Osama blew us away

571
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:26,000


572
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:29,200

Nothing.

573
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,800
I felt...nothing.

574
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:36,800
You disgust me.

575
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:39,880
No!

576
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:43,200
That's not how it goes!
It's not! It's not!

577
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:46,320
You think you can fuck my life
up and I'll start fancying you?

578
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,800
Look at yourself.

579
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:52,800
Stay out of my life.

580
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:31,680
Now that's an ending!

581
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:37,760
(SCREAMS)

582
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,120


583
00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:46,120


584
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,960

there's no place to hide

585
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:03,320

to unchain your life

586
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,640


587
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:13,640

take it so bad

588
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:16,760


589
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:20,760


590
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,800

Everyone comes by

591
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:35,480

I want...

592
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:37,120


593
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:41,120

You look beautiful.

594
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,680
andlt; You always look beautiful to me.

595
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,560


596
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,920


597
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,920


598
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:07,840
Argh! Fuck!

599
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:11,840
Oh.  Hi.

600
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:16,400
Hi.

601
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:17,600
Hi.

602
00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:18,840
Can I come in?

603
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:20,640
Uh...

604
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,320
Well, um...

605
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:26,480
Maxxie says you're a psycho.

606
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,240
He thinks I fancy him.

607
00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:32,120
I don't.  I fancy you.

608
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:33,880
I wanna have sex with you. andgt;

609
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,520
But I can't do it
from out here, can I?

610
00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:40,520
Shit, man.
Biology revision here I come!

611
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:48,520
I'm a virgin.

612
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:52,520
Oh.  Congratulations.

613
00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:58,600
You mind if I list the complete
filmography of Hugh Grant since '92?

614
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:04,440
Slow things down.

615
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,640
Bitter Moon.

616
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:11,720
Remains of the Day.

617
00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:14,560
Sirens. Four Weddings.

618
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:18,560
An Awfully Big Adventure -
that one was rubbish.

619
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:20,720
The Englishman Who Came...

620
00:45:20,720 --> 00:45:22,840
Came Up A Hill...

621
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:25,320
And Went Down A Mountain.

622
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,680
Nine Months. Sense...

623
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:31,680
And Sensibil...

624
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,920
Restoration.
Extreme Measures.

625
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:38,840
Ah... Notting Hill.
Mickey Blue Eyes.

626
00:45:38,840 --> 00:45:40,920
Small Time Crooks.

627
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:44,520
Bridget Jones! Ah!

628
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:46,320
Bridget...Jones!

629
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:47,520
Ah!

630
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:51,520


631
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:58,000
I never get as far as About A Boy.

632
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:02,720


633
00:46:02,720 --> 00:46:04,240


634
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:05,760


635
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:08,880


636
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:09,920


637
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:13,920


638
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:18,640


639
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:22,640


640
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:27,280


641
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:28,520


642
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:30,840


643
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:36,000
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