Original subtitles

We're a very outward facing school here at Millmead.

What a load of shit.

I told you this was a bell end factory.

...a twinship program with a school in Poznan.

It's twinned with Poznan.

-Where is that, love? -Poland.

It's got the second-best women's handball team

in the country.

[Liz] Ah, this place.

Someone's gonna get a flute out in a minute.

[Mr. Taylor] ...grading us outstanding

in all categories in June 2017.

The inspectors commented that learning is paramount...

I didn't think you were going down

the state school route.

I thought you were sending Manus to that posh school?

Yeah well, Hersham House is still second choice.

I'm not paying for Hersham House.

I'm not paying thirty grand a year

for Manus to wear a boater.

So, it's still very much up in the air.

It's not.

-You get me, Meg. -What's that?

Where did Bill go? I bet he went to one of the biggies?

Eton, Harrow?

God, no.

His dad was in the army, so they were out in Cyprus.

-Oh. -[Meg] No.

I'm the posho in the family.

-Where did you go? -St. Paul's Girls.

-Putney High. -I probably beat you at hockey.

No, I think I'd remember if I'd played you at hockey.

Why's that?

Uh...

[Mr. Taylor] ...this means we expect

a lot from our student...

Netball was, like, more my game so...

Oh yeah.

Without further ado, please welcome

Shannon Bell with her version of Mozart's

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

Take it away, Shannon.

That's it, I'm off.

Whoa, whoa, matey.

[theme music playing]

Science hub is named after Marie Curie.

Where's Mr. Julia tonight?

Oh, he's, uh, nil by mouth.

You know what he's like around snacks.

Oh, it's Paul's vasectomy tomorrow?

Do send my love.

Hmm, to his balls.

Oh, goodness. He'll be fine.

What's the worst that can happen?

Uh, he dies?

That it doesn't work.

And through here is one of our science labs.

Whoa, it's like Laboratoire Garnier.

This term's project is recycling.

We're looking at an enzyme that can eat plastic bags.

Next month we'll be...

She had me at plastic eating enzyme.

Fan of science?

It's a bit Russian roulette with this school. Your kid's

either gonna be a Malia Obama or a Barron Trump.

Oh, my God.

Look at that, it's Lee.

-Which one? -That one.

With the stupid smirk and the greasy curtains.

God. Did you ever have that haircut?

Me? No, no.

I was affectionally called pube head at school.

Which is ironic 'cause I didn't have a single

actual pube till I was nigh on 16.

To think I was married to that oily bollock for four years.

I guess you didn't know

he was an oily bollock when you met him.

To be fair, I didn't know

Jill was a man hating sociopath when I met her.

How's the divorce of the decade going?

I got a letter from her lawyer.

He seems like a top bloke.

In another world, we might be pals.

Anyway,

he says I've got to move out of the family home.

So yeah, that's happening.

You need to get tooled up, Kev.

Get your own lawyer.

Oh, I don't know.

That's like fighting fire with fire, Liz.

No, it's like fighting fire with a fireman.

Listen, use my woman.

She's great. And by great, I mean cheap.

She mainly texts

which really keeps the price down.

Speaking of which, I've got to log on.

I'm Ubering tonight.

Oh, you get the job?

More like the job got me in the end.

Beggars can't be choosers, but they can be Uberers.

I'll see you later, Kev.

Yeah. See ya.

Right. I'm gonna make a move.

Oh, where are you off to?

Nowhere. An appointment.

Oh, come on. I wasn't born yesterday.

Those are your date chinos.

If you're going to meet a woman, that's cool.

Hey, if you're gonna meet a man, that's cool too.

Johnny, you're making something I'm totally cool about

a little bit weird here.

Okay yes, I'm gonna see my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Ah.

Yeah.

Cool.

When am I gonna meet this girlfriend

Mr. Secret Squirrel?

Uh, never.

Can I at least get a name?

-Tamara. -[whispers] Tamara.

I used to work with a Tamara at Bibendum.

Yeah, she was a stupid fat bitch

but I'm sure yours is really nice.

Someone order an Uber?

That'll be me.

I'll meet you out front in three minutes, yeah?

Goodnight, Amanda.

My love to Tamara.

[Julia] All right, maties. Ooh!

I love an after-school club. I'll take anything, me.

Do you know 80% of visits to children's A&E

are from trampolining accidents?

Yeah, that's true.

I've broken nine ankles

on trampolines. Uh, three of them my own.

Oh, I love sitting in A&E.

God, anything that kills four hours of the afternoon.

-All right, Mands. -[Amanda] Yeah.

Why are you walking like a goat?

I just had my feet treated.

I've found the most amazing podiatrist.

I'm going to go every week because she literally sanded

ten years off my feet, I swear to God.

I mean they look 22.

So, what did you think about the Millmead open day?

Oh, Millmead's definitely on the list.

We're also on the waiting list for Elmfield.

So brilliant.

They call their teacher by their first name,

they do International Baccalaureate. And I think

Lilly Allen and Gemma Arterton both got expelled from there.

It's so cool, you know?

For me, it's between Boundary Road Academy

and Boundary Road Academy, so

we'll probably plump for Boundary Road Academy.

What's your beef with Millmead mate?

-Lee went there. -[Liz] Yeah.

There's no way I'm sending my kids to the same

dickhead school as their dickhead dad.

Oh well, I, for one, will be thrilled to send my children

to an Ofsted rated outstanding dickhead academy.

Uh, sadly Julia, turns out

we're not actually in the catchment for Millmead.

-Ah. -Sorry, what, what...

wh... wh... what, what the what?

Yeah. We've been outside of it

since those flats went up on Sandy Way.

So, I guess we're destined for Boundary Road too.

-Ah. -Oh my god. Flip off.

Flip the flats.

Even if they do have a really good Budgens underneath them.

God, I'm starting to hate my house.

I've got this builder coming round this afternoon

to install grab rails and ramps.

It's gonna be like living on a cross channel ferry.

I'm mortgaged up to the nips

and we've got subsidence.

I'd hang on in there. Your foundations

might slide you into the Millmead catchment area.

Actually, we're thinking of moving

closer to Millmead. So...

you can come live with us if you like Julia?

You can live in the attic.

You could start a commune.

[tuts]

What's wrong with you king tut?

Well, I just don't agree with middle class people effectively

buying their way into state schools.

I-- I'm sorry Meg, I think, I think that's immoral.

[Amanda] Kevin.

Meg has cancer.

Although saying that, it might actually work

-in your favor at Millmead. -In what way?

Big C.

They wouldn't turn away a cancerous mother.

You should totes tell them.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah. That's the spirit.

God love ya. Come on.

-Hug? -No, no you're all right.

-Okay. -Bye, babies.

Meg, look if you need anything,

anything at all, please just holler.

Actually, I have a couple of pallets

in the garden that need taking down to the dump.

Oh. Laughing in the face of cancer.

You're my hero.

Hasn't affected your sense of humor, Meg.

Oh.

[door closing]

Is the bathroom up there?

-Hmm? -[builder] Bathroom?

-Uh, upstairs? -Yeah.

[whistles]

Um, builder. Builder! Builder, mate!

Matey, mate. Oi, oi, oi!

-It's Garry. -Cool.

Just could you take your shoes off

when you, um, come in the house generally?

Please would be nice.

Uh, please can you

please take your shoes off when you generally

come in, please, thank you, please.

Seeing as how you asked so nicely.

What's your name?

-It's still Garry. -[Julia] Yeah.

Julia. Enchante.

Sorry, can, can we roll back a bit?

Sorry, I'm so sorry it's just that my mum's just,

um, moved in and the whole building...

Um, I mean with every respect to your trade, it is--

it's a bit galling having to pay for your lovely, um,

en suite to be ripped out in favor of

a geriatric sheep dip so...

but then she did

give birth to me so I suppose...

-It's nice. -Hey?

What you're doing for your mum.

It's a good thing.

Thanks.

Garry.

Uh, would you like a cup of tea or...?

Yeah.

Blimey, Liz.

-Blast from the past. -All right.

I was just having my lunch.

I didn't know anyone was out here.

This is Kev, who I was

texting you about. Kev, this is Linda.

Hi, hi. I'm very nervous.

Nice office. I didn't realize you could still smoke indoors.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Help yourselves.

-No. -So Liz, how are you doing?

How's Lee? 'Cause I think of you often, you know,

'cause you're one of my few clients

that managed to give it another go.

[laughs] Yeah right. As if.

Oh, so you did go through

with the divorce in the end then?

What? Yeah, yeah. You sorted it.

Oh no, no, no.

I just, I just did your decree nisi.

I sent you that text remember saying...

That'll do nisi.

So, I just assumed that when you didn't apply

for your decree absolute you'd just

-got it together. -What so,

what does that mean? I'm still married to Lee?

I mean if you didn't get your absolute

then technically, yeah.

Fuck's sake, Linda. You might have mentioned it?

I just send the texts, mate.

Keith, what can I do you for?

Um, well,

I w... uh...

Ooh, can-- can someone hear a car alarm?

Uh, Liz I... I think that's our car alarm, Liz.

I'm-- I'm just gotta, um-- I'm just gonna

go and do, um, I'm just gonna...

'King hell Linda.

I can't wait for that bloody builder to finish.

Mother, you always do this.

-[Marion] Do what? -The queen of finding fault

with anyone I've ever brought home.

Where's this coming from?

I'm stressed. I'm really stressed

about the whole school catchment area thing.

How did you decide where we were gonna go?

Well, you just went to the nearest big school.

That's the worst one in the borough.

Well, that's just how it was, Julia.

Oh, okay, Mother.

Well, um, I tell you what I'll give some, um,

'70s parenting a go. See where that gets me.

Well, you turned out all right.

Got a good job, nice husband, lovely house.

I'm quite clearly mentally insane, mum.

That could have easily been avoided.

-Yes what? -Hey baby.

-Yes. -[Paul] Just rang to say that

you know, if I don't wake up from the anesthetic,

God forbid, then

I love you and say goodbye to the kids.

[Julia sighs] One, it's a local anesthetic,

and two I've just found out we're not

in the catchment area for Millmead.

Well, what do you want me to do about that?

Oh, have an opinion?

I'm about to undergo a life changing operation here.

It's just keyhole surgery, Paul.

-In my testes. -[Julia] Okay,

well, um, I've got to go.

So, um, good luck with having your sperm hose severed yeah.

You are going to regret it

if that is the last thing that you ever say to me.

Oh, fuck off.

Hi. Sorry about all this chaos,

I'm just having a total mare with-- with schools.

I'm just usually much, much, much more chilled.

Just I really want my daughter to go to Millmead.

So, um, does that make me a bad mum?

No. You want what's best for your kids, right?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you.

My brother had the same thing. He went to mass so

his kids could get into catholic school.

Wow. God,

that's a really good idea. I'm-- I'm definitely gonna do that.

Uh-- Uh, are you a believer?

Did you get married in church or...

No, I'm not married.

I mean even if I was, I wouldn't go down that route.

-Never tempted? Ever come close? -[Garry] No.

No, no me neither.

Well, I am

but... I-- I just, I think, um,

I think marriage is very much a social construct so...

-[Julia screams] -Oh, oh. Sorry.

Are you, you okay?

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-[Garry] Yeah. -Yeah.

Uh.

Ah I don't... I don't think it broke the skin

-so... [laughs] -[Garry] Sorry.

-No, it's fine. T... -[Garry] Oh.

Hardly felt it.

So...

So, I've narrowed it down to 27 Tamaras,

all based on Johnny's type;

young, blond, athletic shoulders,

defined jawline,

around five foot seven and a half, say five ten in heels.

And approximate geographical location

between Reading and Central London.

Are you sure young and blonde is his type?

Because, like, you're 42

and weren't you brunette when you met?

Fake news, Anne. I'm 38

and I was born blond.

-[cell phone rings] -Yeah.

[Amanda] Speak of the devil.

[laughs]

Hang on just a sec.

Hey Johnny, how's Tamara?

[Johnny] Uh, fine. Listen,

uh, I can't make Boundary Road open day now.

Ooh, are you out with Tamara?

[Johnny] No, I'm in Manchester.

One of us has to go.

Maybe I should go with Tamara?

[Johnny] Sorry?

Well, if this is a serious relationship,

if she's going to meet our kids one day, I should meet her.

[Johnny sighs] I suppose you should.

So, she is going to meet our kids?

Wow, that was fast.

[Johnny] So, are you gonna go to the open day?

I'm just not sure that Manus is a Boundary Road type of guy.

[Johnny] Amanda, please.

Okay, you know what, I will go to your open day,

and in return, you can organize lunch

for the three of us, you, me and Tamara.

[Johnny] God's sake.

-Fine. -I can do Wednesday.

-Coffee? -Okay.

[Liz] Thought I'd cancelled my subscription

to shit husband monthly

but turns out I've been technically married

to Lee for eight years.

Oh, mate!

Oh jeez. It's Jill's solicitor again.

I replied to one text, it's like I've opened the flood gates.

All right hags? And Kevin.

No, no it's all right, I'm not stopping.

I'm just getting a takeaway.

On my way to have a sneaky peek at Hersham.

Fuck it. Jade'd look really cute in a boater.

God knows how many miles

I'd have to drive to even afford the boater.

Yeah, even if I re-re-mortgaged

our unmortgage-able house

I still couldn't afford Hersham.

Yeah, I might give, um, St. Cuthbert's a crack.

What the Catholic school?

By the bridge that lorries always get stuck under?

Yeah, Garry said that his brother managed

to get his kids in there so...

-Who's Gary? -Oh, he's my lovely builder.

And it's Garry.

Two Rs.

Didn't think you could make the name Garry any worse.

You know it's not that easy to get into Catholic school.

You do actually have to be Catholic for starters.

Whoa, some news for you Anne,

I actually do identify as Catholic.

I love bread, I love wine, I love the pope.

And you wouldn't feel guilty about doing any of that?

-No. -There you go then you see, uh.

You're not Catholic.

I-- I'm with Anne on this.

You can't pretend to be a religion

just to get your kids into a certain school.

Oh Kevin, who's going to punish me

for being a lying atheist?

Richard Dawkins? Ricky Gervais?

Oh, God, it's Jill's solicitor.

I'm absolutely spinning out here.

This was my worst nightmare, ending up

penniless and alone in a bedsit.

And now it's actually coming true,

except I haven't even got a bedsit.

I've got a great lawyer for you, Kev.

She did Frank and Christine Lampard's prenup.

She's the best of the best.

-Guys. -Hey.

Guys.

Nice of you to leave your sick friend standing.

-Oh no, no, I'm okay, Mands. -No, no, no.

Excuse me, sorry.

Could I borrow your chair,

it's for my friend, she's got cancer.

-Oh. -Yeah.

[clears throat].

[clears throat].

[clears throat].

Did you want to light a candle?

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you, God, for these gifts,

gift of life, the lamb of God.

Spiritus

Sanctus

crispus.

Candidus

et ast

horus.

Agnes

Deyn.

[exhales]

Sorry, just a quick question, who-- who runs

the school next door?

Oh, uh, well

Sister Benedict is the head teacher.

Ah, coolio. How-- how could I wangle, um,

a meeting with this Sister Benedict?

It's just that my daughter, Ivy,

she's actually named after Saint Ivy of course.

She's, um, she's deeply, deeply,

heavily religious and, um,

she's just so desperate to go to the school.

Maybe if I-- if I left you my name and number, you--

you could put in a word for me or...?

I think it's best if you make

an appointment to see Sister Benedict.

Now I'm sorry to rush you, but I'm just about

to start locking up.

Oh, yes, of course. Yes, thank you,

thank you so much for your time.

I'll just, um...

Okay.

I'm not, I'm not gonna tell you what I wished for

because then God won't grant it so...

Just suffice to say, I think I'll be seeing you

on the first day of next term.

Come on, guys.

All right, fellas.

Did you get my email about Linda?

-Who's Linda? -Linda, who did our divorce.

Oh, Barely Legal Linda.

You know she was in the paper for shoplifting.

Anyway, I've got some fucking terrible news.

The kids are mine? [laughs]

No. We're not divorced.

-You what? -We got the first bit,

but not the second bit. So, we're still legally married.

[laughs]

Why are you laughing? You know that makes you a bigamist?

Are you serious? It makes me like Henry the Eighth.

He had eight wives as well.

No, he didn't, he had six.

No, that's why they called him Henry the Eighth.

You know one of his wives was a ghost?

Didn't you have to prove your divorce

when you married Dairylea Cheese?

It's Debbie Louise. And no.

And for your information we got married by what turned out

to be a drug dealer on some beach in Ibiza, so...

legally it wasn't worth the sand it was written in.

Right well, we need to sort this,

so read your emails and get back to me.

Ooh. What's the hurry?

You wanna marry your farmer or something?

No. God, no.

You've put me off marriage for life.

Well, what if I don't want to divorce you?

What if I like having two wives?

Well, if you like having two balls,

reply to my email.

-[Amanda] Meg. Hey. -Oh, hey.

-Look at you. -After you.

Oh, thank you.

Wow, you've made an effort to see Mrs. Lamb.

Oh. No, I'm, uh, going for lunch actually.

With Johnny and his new girlfriend.

-Oof, I'm sorry. -For what?

Well meeting the ex's new girlfriend,

we've all been there, babes. It sucks.

Well, bless you,

it actually the opposite of sucks.

It blows. [laughs]

No. It's absolutely cool.

All good in the hood. Now, listen,

you focus on your wellbeing, yeah?

We're the ones worrying about you, Meggy.

What are you doing here?

Uh, trampoline club.

-Oh, me too. -Oh.

Ahh.

There's only one place left.

Really? Could you pop Manus down, please?

Just pipped you to it there I'm afraid, Meg.

Meg would be at the top of the waiting list though, right?

-No. -[Amanda] Okay.

Sorry, I'd totally give you my spot

but I just bagged this weekly podiatrist appointment

and, you know, it's my feet...

-Right. -Yeah, so annoying, I'm sorry.

It's just...

I have cancer so...

Yeah but...

my feet.

-She's got cancer. -[Amanda] I know.

She doesn't stop going on about it.

No, you should absolutely have it, Meg, no.

Definitely, of course. Honestly.

It's yours.

Yeah, pop Meg down. Yeah.

Good for you. Yeah.

Can't not be nice, can I? [laughs]

Thank you.

This place is very Suits.

Do you think these monstera are real?

Thanks for coming with.

You're a good mate.

Yeah well, if she's any good

I might get her to finalize my divorce.

I cannot spend one more day married to that penile wart.

Mr. Brady?

-Hannah Grove. -[Kevin] Hi.

Ah.

-This your wife? -Oh, no, sorry,

um, sorry, this is Liz.

I'm his escort.

Uh, no, no she's just

a friend. She's just here for moral support.

Yeah and a bit of business actually.

Um, how much would it cost

for you to do my decree absolute?

I'm just going to be dealing with one

-at a time, if that's okay. -Oh.

So, Mr. Brady, you wanna

give me some background?

Yes, okay, um,

my wife and I have been together

for fourteen years,

married for eleven.

It's a funny story actually.

Our friend Shona does a rounders game

-every year at Brockwell Park... -Okay, that's great.

So, I guess my next question is...

what do you want?

Well, I want my wife back.

Is-- is that something you-- you can arrange?

Just it's a little joke. Sorry, no.

Um, what I really want is

equal access to my girls

and a warm bed.

Sure. But I mean,

she's the one divorcing you, right?

You've done nothing wrong.

I-- I mean, I could have learnt to drive,

and-- and I sort of hold my breath

and then breathe out when I'm asleep,

but it's kind of sinus related...

But from what Meg tells me

you're the main carer for these kids,

right? You're Mr. Daddy Daycare.

Yeah, okay but I hate that expression.

'Cause, uh, I'm just being a parent.

But you put your career on hold, right?

Well, I don't really have a career.

What did you always envisage yourself doing?

I mean as an adult? What did you want to be?

What about your children's book?

So, you put your career

as a successful children's author on hold

to care for your kids while your wife

selfishly pursued her dream job as a...

A bookkeeper.

Well, it sounds to me like we should be going after

at least 50% of your wife's earnings, Mr. Brady.

Oh. [chuckles]

-You think? -You don't hire me to think.

You hire me to know.

Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah?

-Yes. -[Hannah] Great.

Let's take this bitch to the cleaners.

Yes.

What just happened in there, Liz?

What have I done?

Transubstantiation.

Ecumenical.

Ecumenical, ecumenical.

Yes, we were in church yesterday,

um, actually.

And if you don't believe me the--

the duty nun can vouch for us.

We're just totally into the Bible.

It's actually on my Kindle.

It is at the heart of our teaching.

So, what's your favorite bit?

I wouldn't like to get into it because it's...

very personal.

Uh, when I talk about the Bible it's a very

personal...

The Bible means a lot to me, and so

I wouldn't really want to get into specifics.

No particular verses or stories?

Stories? Oh! [laughs]

Yes. Right, sorry.

No. The Nativity, love that.

Um, that's a cracking yarn.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse,

I mean, what a twist.

The bit where the guy is walking along the beach

with the footsteps, it turns out it's Jesus holding the...

the fella. I mean, uh,

what a twist that gets me every time.

Well, it was lovely to meet you,

Mrs. Johnson. And as I said at the start,

admissions are decided through the local authority.

What about the higher authority?

Does he have a say or...?

It's Ealing Council.

Also, a lot of places go to siblings.

Yes, gosh. Yes, of course, you being Catholics.

I mean, my hubby's not keen on the old condoms either.

I'll tell you what I'll do for you,

I'm gonna leave you my card, it's got my deets.

I'll give you a little tinkle tomorrow

and just see if there's anything

-you can do personally. -There won't be.

Hmm. Final answer?

I can see what you're doing,

so let's stop wasting each other's time.

I meet about twenty blaggers like you a day.

Wow.

That's a sucker punch. Um...

You nuns, you're, you're very superior,

aren't you?

Um, with the wimple, um, I googled that.

So, is it my fault that a block of flats is built

and thereby pushing us out of a catchment

for a really good school? No, it's not. I'm a great mother.

And if that means I'm gonna bullshit a nun

from time to time, to get my kid

a cracking education, that's what I'm gonna do.

And I would do it again.

She knows. She knows

because she is the most famous mother of them all.

That's Mary Magdalene.

She's a childless prostitute.

Exactly.

[Meg] Yeah, I'm just arriving at Boundary Road,

I'll call you later.

Oh.

Fair enough.

But what we lack in space,

we more than make up for with visits

to local sports grounds and swimming pools.

Physical activity,

one of the tentpoles

of our teaching here at B.R.A.,

as well as our renowned music program.

Oi, Kev. You ghosting my lawyer?

Sh-- she, she, c-- can she sue me for that?

I can't go back there, I felt like I was hiring a hitman.

That's why I like her.

Gonna get her to do my decree absolute.

I cannot wait to be free of that dick weed.

You know she's £400 an hour, yeah?

Oh, guess I'm still married to him then.

So, um,

Hersham House

was overpriced and underwhelming.

-How was it with the nuns? -Um, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

We're gonna plump for Boundary Road so...

Hmm.

I think this place has a really good vibe.

[laughs] Look at you all slumming it.

The science block smells of farts.

I know where I am in a school that smells of farts.

So please put your hands together

for the Year 10 symphony orchestra.

Oh, fuck this.

[theme music playing]