Original subtitles

RHINESTONE

Good evening, Mr. Ugo

It's always a good evening when you're rich, kid

Hold it, Mr. Ugo

Wait wait wait! Catch the new monogram my tailor did. Go!

Copies for everybody

- What a fool. - Yeah, on his best day

Hey, Mr. Electricity is about to plug into your life

- Cute, that's cute. I'll check you later - Creep

Ooh, my baby's gonna cook this time

Thank you very much

Okay, okay, okay, thank you

I want you to know that I really appreciate it

And I'm gonna take a little break now and get a drink of water

And let the band change their shirts or whatever else is damp

And don't you go away 'cause you know the big amateur talent show's coming right up

Meat, meat, meat, we want meat! We want meat!

Go get 'em animals, go get 'em

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi!

How you doin'? Nice night, you need a lift?

We like go to sushi bar

You got it, come on in

Sushi, huh?

I'll tell you now, sushi's a growing thing

I see these sushi bars cropping up here, cropping up there

Everywhere. But y'know, confidentially, between you and me

I mean, d'you think that eating raw fish is all that good for ya?

To me it's like walking across some field and chewing on a cow, you know what I mean?

Besides, you're in America now, you gotta eat Italian!

- Oh, ravioli! - Ravioli, you got it! Rock 'n' roll!

Watch it!

Hey, hey, hey, pal o' mine. Paws off the chanteuse, private stock

- So, I'll see you later at our place, huh? - Our place?

- What time? - How about the next century, Freddie?

Woman who loves to tease me. Who knocks?

Hey, Maurila! Look who's here

- Forget here, I'd rather be home - Sit down in my office, pal, I wanna talk

Maurie, I'm telling ya, you don't believe me, but the guy you're gonna

see tonight is absolutely dynamite

- How about a big ol' glass of cold water? - 3 beers and a scotch on the rocks

Don't let 'em work you too hard, Jessie

Oh hi Jake, listen, thanks a lot about that loan, really bailed me out

- I'll pay you back as quick as I can - Forget about it, I have

I would've borrowed it from Freddie, but you know how he wants it paid back

Well they don't call him 'F.U.' for nothing

- Here comes the Sultan of Sleaze now - Oh, goodie

- There she is! - And here she goes!

Come on, baby, tell me the truth

You missed me today, didn't ya?

No, and what was all that gum flappin' about 'our place'?

Hey, it was a slip of the tongue, I meant 'my place'

Did I, or did I not rescue you from that creep?

Freddie, don't involve me in your fantasies

I ain't never been to your place

I wouldn't come to your place with a quart of Lysol and a fumigation truck

I love a woman who's unsure of herself

How about dinner after the show tonight? My treat, no problem

I lost my appetite

Hey hey kid! Let me tell ya something. Don't push it too far, alright?

Because you're gonna see tonight my new discovery who's gonna be my new star

Guy's gonna make me a fortune for a change, you get my meaning?

Well I ain't done too bad for you

Yeah well I must admit I love having you around

for inspirational reasons

Forget dinner, how about lunch tomorrow? My treat, no problem

- Am I gonna get my contract back? - You know don't ya

Freddie, there are 2 kinds of people in this world, and you ain't one of them

You guys okay?

- Listen I'm sorry about that but... - That was very interesting

Yeah, it's good to let it out once in a while, you know it builds up inside me

like stress, I just go like YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! SUGAR! You know what I mean?

Stress and deli sandwiches kill more taxi cab drivers than anything

You know, besides that, New York is a great place

Chotto matte!

Okay, no sushi bar, we like go to cowboy place

Cowboy place! You got it! I do know of such a place

I can't officially recommend it, but I do know of such a place

Hold on. Banzai!

Alright, hold it down all you animals

Alright, come on, settle down

It's serious time here at the Rhinestone

This is a very special night for us tonight ladies and gentlemen here at the Rhinestone

Because tonight, on this very stage, we are going to witness the birth

of a "major new country and western singing sensation"

Alright knock it off!

And let us give a very warm Rhinestone reception

to the incredible real cowboy

the effervescent, the intoxicated, Mr. Elgart Bronson

Hey, it's Jan Bad John!

Send him back to the john!

Shut up!

You blow that thing one more time, son, you're gonna be

eating it for a midnight snack, you understand me?

This guy is serious

How serious can he be, he's got a duck on his shirt

This is a song I wrote for my baby

I coached him myself, he'll finish, you wait

Keep it down

Duties? Duties to her crops? Did he say "duties to her crops"?

Hey, this really happened to my Loretta

Get out of here

I'm impressed. You gotta have a special gift to come up with somebody that warped

Forget that turkey. Maurie, I got a guy coming in here next week's

gonna blow the roof off this joint

He's from India and sings this cowboy junk better than anybody

- Freddie... - Wait 'til you see him

He wears a turban under his cowboy hat and spurs on his sandals, brilliant

Not interested

But this lady, maybe I can do something for hey, why don't we talk?

Hey hey hey, talk this way

'Cause I hold all the contracts on this one, my friend

- You got my sympathy - See you next week, pal

- I don't believe you - What's the matter, babe?

You spend time and money on every weirdo that staggers in with a guitar

and you won't do nothin' to help me

- What do you get so hot about, here, relax - Because as long as I'm under contract

to a no-taste, no-talent like you I ain't never gonna get out of this place

What's it gonna take to buy out of my contract? What?

Wa-wa, wa-wa

And don't say "a night in the sack"

I'd never say anything like that, what's the matter with you?

How about 30 minutes?

- Freddie - Yes?

You ain't nothin' but an egotistical fool

Trying to turn these hopeless amateurs into the 'Rhinestone Cowboy'

- That a fact? - That's a fact

Shoot, if I had half a chance I could turn anybody into a Rhinestone Cowboy

and I could do it a lot better than you, that's for sure

- Really? - Really

- Would you care to wager on that, my dear? - On what?

That you could turn any clown into a Rhinestone Cowboy?

- You bet - Okay, angel, I'm gonna tell you what

I'm gonna give you two weeks after I find someone

you're gonna get all the expenses you need

And all you gotta do is get your guy through one number on this stage

without these animals tearing him up alive

and you're gonna call yourself a winner, mama

OK?

- What do you got to bet with? - Well I bet the 3 years left on my contract

If I win, you tear it up

I do love a broad with pizzazz, alright I'll tell you something

If you win I'll tear up the contract, but if you lose the contract stands

plus another five year option

- And you sleep with me - Oh blow it out, F.U.

Hey hey hey, what's the matter? Either way you're gonna come out a big winner

Alright, I'm gonna take that bet. But let's get something straight right upfront

No weirdos, no lepers, and no dead people

so just some average normal person, you got it?

What you're saying is no one extraordinary like myself

Just a normal, average guy

Come on. 'Hmmmm'

Nice voice, what do ya think?

I think you're gonna die a very ugly death

Ohh, you're gonna get picky with me, huh?

Nice audition, pal

Come on

- Well? - Oh come on, Freddie just stop it

What are you talkin' about, the guy's got natural musical ability, look at him

You're just tryin' to fix it so I got no chance at all, right?

Come on, sweetheart, a deal is a deal and you are welching

I ain't welching, I never welched in my life

Welch welch welch welch welch

Alright, the next normal person that comes by I'll take him, the next one

I mean the next guy that passes in front of my face, anybody

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Hey, where you goin'?

I'll be right back

Come here you creep! I know your face!

Oh, hey, listen, are you guys okay?

I'm really sorry but that guy just cut me off

That cowboy place is just down the street, there, it's just right-

There's no charge, but the tip is optional

Will you look at this? Will you look at that - did anybody see anything?

Now a New York City cab driver is not a 'normal, average guy'

Wait a minute, I never agreed to that

Well you can't expect me to turn that into a singer!

I know

Where are all the lepers when I need one?

Now, everything seems simple enough

I mean it's not gonna take a college degree which I'm sure nobody

at this table has, with the exception of me

to understand the premise of this wager

So, what do you say?

- Where you from? - I'm from New York Ci...

Okay, loverboy, what about the bet, let's go

- What bet? - Singing bet

What, are you kidding, I can't stand that hillbilly hick stuff, you gotta be kidding

Besides, look, I'm trying to have a conversation with her, so do you mind?

So butt out, okay?

Would you like to dance and maybe get romantically involved?

Freddie, part of the deal was no weirdos

Can't we just pick somebody else?

Wait a minute

A new cab was destroyed because of you

So the least you could do is be a little bit more friendly, what d'you think?

What do you mean "because of me"?

Because of you, because I was watching you instead of watching the traffic

is what I mean

Oh Lord, he's a horny toad, too

Horny toad?

Me, Nick?

You know, you're good lookin', no doubt about that darlin'

But I ain't this desperate to meet nobody

Ah, just one minute pal, excuse me, what about the bet?

You just bet I'm leavin', you win

Happy trails

I'm here!

Wait wait wait, come here!

I have something very important to say to you

What time you want me over your place tonight?

What are you talking about?

You don't seem to realize you lost the bet

So what time do I collect my prize?

Look, Dr. Strangelover, the bet's off, he won't do it

Honey that is your headache, not mine

I always meant to ask you, you want the top or the bottom?

You're gonna be at the bottom of the Hudson River

if you don't get out of my face, Freddie

Ooh I did chicks who play rough, that's cool

Well then tonight's your lucky night, 'cause you're just about two seconds

from being a nasty injury in an ugly sport coat

Wait a second, I won, you lost, so you pay, come on

- Oh back off, Freddie - Oh do that again, come on

If you insist on going through with this with this stupid-ass bet, okay

But you gave me two weeks, remember?

And the next time you feel romantic?

- Yes...? - Don't call me

Why don't you try the city zoo?

Come here

- Accident? What accident? - You know, over on the west side?

We didn't have any accidents last night

Huh... plowed in the whole right side of the cab

Oh yeah?

No accidents last night, must be another company you're thinking about

No, said S&J Cabs on the door, I saw it myself

- What this driver look like? - Sort of tough fella.

Sorta...

Sorta right there

Tony, no bologna, how ya doin'?

Hey you look a little different this morning, you parting your hair different?

- Tony, come on, let me explain, alright - What's this?

What?

- This - This?

This! This!

This is a slight indentation

What indentation, this is a collision, what are you crazy?

C'mon Tony, I swerved to avoid mashing an old lady, really

Better you mashed her than wrecked my car!

Hey you know what happened to the last guy who wrecked one of my cars, eh?

He don't walk so good no more, you know that?

Tony, calm down

I can see you're an emotional person

Your face is gettin' all red, look at me Tony, I'm an emotional guy, too

Look at my eyes, I haven't slept all night, come on

I love my job, I'm a company man, I even dress like a taxi!

Look at this cab, look, I want youse out of here. You, these ugly clothes

this stupid domino, I want youse all out of here

And you take Mae West with you too, alright?

- Are you insulting my clothes? - These clothes, right here

These clothes I have upon my body?

These ugly clothes right here. I want these all out

Forget it. You don't appreciate a trendsetter. I resignate.

You really loose, ain't ya?

- Nice goin' Humpty Dumpty - Who's Humpty Dumpty?

Hey look, I didn't mean to get you fired

Wanna do me a big favor? Just get outta my face, okay?

Look, I can help you

Yeah you just helped me outta the job you hillbilly bimbo

- Bimbo? - No no, hillbilly bimbo!

You can't talk to me like that

Oh I can, alright, watch my lips, Daisy May

You know some people, they may think you're real cute

But me, Nick, I kinda think you're this reject from Hee Haw

So why don't you just take off 'cause the hay wagon is leaving, alright?

You can always get another job, you know

What are you a guidance counselor? I like this job, there's a lot of memories here

Bad memories

- Hey! - What?

Listen, maybe I can get you that job back

And how you gonna do that? Call the Fairy Hick Queen and ask for a favor?

Look, Freddie said he'd pay all expenses for the bet, so what we tell him is

that you won't go through with this unless he pays for the repairs

- You can do that? - I can do that

- He'll do that? - He'll do that

- Positive? - Positive

- Can we go see Freddie? - Okay, but don't take advantage of me

Come on, will you please? What do you think I am, Santa Clause here?

I saw the damage that was done to that cab

Hey I loved you on 'The A-Team', you were great

We are talking about maybe 2000 dollars worth of repairs minimum

- That's what we have to be... - Oh, God

Does she have a sister?

If you think I'm handing over 2000 dollars to this clown you got another think comin'

- Clown? - It's just a word, eh?

What is he the sensitive type or what?

- Then you forfeit, I win, contract's mine - No wait, wait a minute

- Alright - Hi doll

- If you win... - Radiation, huh?

I'll pay for the repairs, and I'll show you what kinda guy I am

I'll throw in AM, FM, stereo, air conditioning and power windows

What do you say?

- You just put it all on paper - You got it

You just remember to wear that perfume when I come to claim my prize

'Cause I love it

Can you just hold it down, please? Hey we'd better be goin'!

- Hey, what are you waitin' for, come on - Wait, you didn't meet my price yet

What price? You said you wanted repairs, didn't ya?

No no, she said that. Me, tell you the truth Freddie, what I'd like to have

is I'd like to have my own taxi

- What? - Yeah

Wait wait wait, hold it, hold it, hold it, just a second

Do you ever sing in front a live audience before, ever? Eh?

No, never

What do you think of country music, come on, tell me the truth

Oh man, it's like, worse than liver

"Worse than liver"? This is a very serious hate

You have got yourself a deal. Get him out of here

- Hey, I appreciate it, nice place - Yeah, you bet

- Take care - Have a nice two weeks

You're just mad about me asking for a taxi, right?

Let's put it this way, I'll now put nothing past you

Now we need to rehearse and we need to get started, soon

I gotta sing one song, how hard can that be?

Yeah but you might have to learn 50 of 'em

And let me tell you something, it's a tradition at the Rhinestone

to tear any new singer apart

- Do you play an instrument? - Yeah I can sorta play a couple

of chords on this organ I have at home

I tell you what, why don't you come to my house and you can teach me a new song?

Go to your house, huh? I suppose that's so you can show me your organ, huh?

Why do you think I'm conning you,

I'm telling you I really do have this big organ!

Thank you

Alright, we'll go to your place, and you can show me your organ

But I'm warning ya, it best be having music comin' out of it

You got it

MARTINELLI'S FUNERAL HOME

You live in a funeral parlor?

No, I live over a funeral parlor. Come on

We'll take my private elevator

- Where we going? - We're going to the penthouse

Well why can't we use the front door like everybody else?

You can if you don't mind going through corpses and coffins and zombies

and things like that

Okay now don't tear my drapes, okay?

Come on through there

Why in a world would anybody want to live over a funeral parlor?

That's 'cause my father owns it

- Where's this organ? - In the organ room, of course

- The "organ room"? - Sure, doesn't everybody have one?

Well here it is. I told you I had a big organ

- Well that is a big organ - It sure is. Well, I'll let it heat up

I don't think so

Well, why don't you start from scratch and sing me something?

Like what?

- I don't care, anything - Anything?

- Anything - You got it

This thing must have pneumonia

Thank you and good night! You thought I couldn't sing?

See you next tour!

What the hell is the matter with you? You crazy?

Pazzo. Crazy. Look there

May your mother sleep with the angels, okay? Sorry, scusi

Hey listen, dad, I'm sorry...

What sorry? I told you fifty times, no more singing during business hours

Okay

- Who's Annie Oakley? - Oh Jake, my father, my father, Jake

- Howdy - Means "how ya doin'"

I know what howdy means. I read

- She staying for lunch? - No

Yes, thank you

- No more Tutti Frutti, you understand? - It's out of my repertoire, I swear

What?

Mamma mia...

This chick has got some body, dio!

You could handle it?

- I'll try - If you can't, call, understand?

- Okay - Call, I'm right here

I know

- Call, damn it - I will

That's dad

So, what you call all that peculiar screaming and flapping your arms?

Come on, so the organ's a little out of tune!

Besides, I never said I was that good in the first place, I mean,

I need a little work

Now if you're gonna sing country you're gonna have to think it, walk it,

talk it, sleep it

And why don't we discuss that over a friendly lunch?

You got it

Friendly? You never ate here before, did you?

Y'all chow down like this every day, or are you planning on opening a cafeteria?

Thanks ma, looks great. No, this is normal, why?

Well nothing, except I've seen entire cities consume less food than this

Besides, it's gonna be a lot different where we're going

Where we goin'?

- Where's he going? - I'm fixing to haul him back home with me

- Where's home? - Tennessee

But this is his home, he don't need to go nowhere but where he is

But he can't learn nothing new here, folks

Now you did it

Now scusa me but he knows all he's ever gonna know

His brain's finished growing, capito?

He don't need to go nowhere to learn nothing

Hey ma, I don't wanna hurt your feelings

but what do you mean my brain is finished growing?

What, have you got a microscope in my head?

Nick, you lack maturity

I lack maturity?

Yeah no maturity. See how you're dressed to eat? Look

You wanna talk honest, Nick? If you can't do nothing right here,

how are you gonna do right down there?

Forget it. Be a pastry maker!

Nick, figlio mio, I almost died having you

But don't be a cowboy, please

They even get diseases from sleeping with animals

If you leave we rent the room, I'm telling ya

You're gonna embarrass us, yourself, and the sons of Italy, stupido!

Woah woah woah, folks, ain't nobody gonna embarrass nobody

this man's gonna be a country singer, he's gonna win that bet,

he's gonna win my contract, gonna win that taxi

But most of all, he's gonna be gone

Now I appreciate the hospitality, and the fact that you gave birth to this fella here

Oh and by the way, I promise to feed him pizza once a day, okay?

You coming?

- Hey, can I have a copy of that speech? - Nick, no

Ma, ma, ma-ma-ma-ma boom ma ma alright, alright, I swear

Nick call, call you understand, I'll be right here

- Call you understand? You call me! - I'll call you!

Ciao!

(Italian arguing)

VISIT LEIPERS FORK AGAIN

Watch it watch it watch it, what is this a stampede? Watch the shoes!

Watch the shoes!

Are these killer sheep?

Nice turn out!

Oh hush, you're down here to learn country, you might as well start learnin' right now

- Come on - What is it, the shoes?

Howdy Jake, how are you?

Hey, Miss Tubbs, how ya doin'? Good to see ya!

Hey Huwlett, Mr Polk, you seen my daddy?

Not today

I want you guys to meet a friend of mine from New York City

This here's Nick Martinelli.

Howdy!

- Well say howdy back - You wanna give ol' Nick a break?

How's it hangin', troops?

Oh real mature, Nick. Oh, there's daddy!

WELCOME HOME, JAKE

You're not here to be smart, you're here to learn

- What are you guys makin'? - A piano

Ciao

- Kind of slow witted, ain't he? - Real slow

- Oh lord I've missed you! - I've missed you too, sugar

- Mercy, don't you look sassy? - Well thank you, daddy

I want you to meet somebody. This here's Nick

Howdy

- What's he doing? - Well he's trying to say howdy, daddy

- Oh, well howdy - How ya doin'?

- I'm fine - Yeah that's good

Well, I can't wait to get to the house. Would you get the bags, Nick?

Excuse me. I'm done? Thank you. Bags. Okay.

Yeah. Kind of slow-witted, ain't he?

Oh, he'll be alright, daddy

Chickens.

What I don't understand is, what happens if you lose the bet?

I was gonna ask you that, what's in it for Freddie?

Nothing, I just don't get my contract back

- And that's it? - That's it

So, anything new around these parts, daddy?

Lem Kerner bought him a new hog

an' he's got the biggest set of nuggets you ever seen in your life

Bigger than that ol' red one down at Starkwell's?

- Oh I believe so - Really?

Thought maybe later on we could drive over and let you take a look at 'em

Okay

Would you like to see them too, Nick?

- Hog balls? - Yeah

No thanks, I've had enough excitement for one day

Okay

WILD POSSUM BAND LEIPERS FORK - TENNESSEE

What about this Nick feller?

Oh, it'll take some doing but it'll work out

- No I mean, are you and him...? - Oh daddy, don't be ridiculous

I don't think it's ridiculous for a daddy to want his little girl

to find some nice boy and settle down

Well last time you told me that you introduced me to Barnett Kale

Well I apologize for that, but...

Speaking of Barnett, he knows you're here and he knows about that Nick feller too

Well he'd best just stay away from me and that Nick feller

Well that's enough rehearsin', why don't we get our new

lead singer up here and see what he can do

- Come on, Nick - You got it

Gotta start somewhere, sometime

Hey, Tennessee, it's great to be here

And I want to thank everybody here for like, y'know, showing up at my

first live concert

I got this special song that I remember from the neighborhood, it goes

something like this

This guitar needs tuning

That was scary, son

For a minute there I thought you was gonna explode

- Let me try again - No!

Why don't you tell me how you really feel?

Let me show you how a... real bluegrass singer moves

- That's it, that's all you move? - That's country

That's rigor mortis

You're something. Hit me an open chord

- Now can you play something country? - Can I play something country? Nick?

Stand back

- Woah. Son, you're gonna hurt yourself - I thought I was doing good

Now just relax. Follow me

Ol' MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o

Ol' MacDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o

And on this farm he had a dog

Dawg?

Dog

Oh, d-hog

e-i-e-i-o!

And on this farm he had a d-hog, e-i-e-i-o

With a bow-wow here

With a bow-wow here

And a bow-wow there

And a bow-wow there

Here a bow, there a bow, everywhere a bow-wow

Can we go see that hog, now?

You're a game rooster son, but country you ain't

- Yeyeah. - But country he will be, daddy

We need to give him a full course in country

And first thing a cowboy learns about is his horse

Is this normal procedure?

There ain't nothing normal about any of this

I mean seriously, how do I look on this?

Well you and this cow have almost got the same color is all

Are you saying we clash? Look, just, just stop this Big Mac okay?

Gettin' a little jammed up here, know what I mean?

- This is a horse - I had a feeling

- Go ahead and pet him, he won't bite you - Nice boy

There's two things you gotta remember about horses

One - you don't ever walk behind one, it'll kick ya

- And that's the other - There goes the dance contests

Oh come on Nick, join in, have some fun

Play those spoons. You can't tell me you don't think this feels like fun

Great.

I thought you liked it. Come on, Nick, don't be such a jerk

Far out

Come on, try it again

Uh, I know a guy that's so ugly

you gotta hang a pork chop around his neck to get his dog to play with him

No, no, I mean you gotta say it with some kind of feeling, Nick

I mean act like you mean it

- Say it again - Okay

I know this guy who's so ugly

he's gotta hang this pork chop around his neck

to get his dog to play with him. Alright!

- Hold it - You addressing me?

Uh huh. A real cowboy always mixes his peas with his taters

That's real valuable info

- What are you doing now? - I'm trying to get some butter

You're supposed to sop up gravy with your biscuit

I don't wanna use my biscuit to sop up some gravy

I've got other plans for my biscuit and they involve butter!

Well I'm only trying to tell you how we all do it!

I know how you all do it!

You don't, that's clear!

You gonna let me devour my food, my way, or what?!

You're down here to learn the basics

Basics? Oh, you want basics, like you guys do it?

Okay, you got it

Mm, that's good (mumbling) that's nice

Mm (mumbling)

Boy that is really mature, Nick, really

At least I ain't a drag

What?

What, what? You've been a drag ever since I got down here

"Walk like this, eat like that, talk like that" give me a break!

I'm tryin' to give you a chance to make something out of life

but all you wanna do is have fun!

What's wrong with that?

Nothing unless your whole future's at stake, you wanna act like a damn bum

Bum?

Damn bum. You don't wanna work, you don't even know the meaning of that word

Color, Nicolas, gone

- Where you going? - To the gutter, I wanna relax!

Damn bum calling me a drag

Imagine that!

Pass the biscuits, please

Daddy you don't think I'm a drag, do you?

Well...

Well tell the truth

Okay, but first pass the biscuits

Never mind

Man this is dark, this is what I would call serious dark

Okay

Oh thank you God, I'll be nice for a year. Taxi!

Alright!

- Hey, how ya doin'? - Get in

Agh!

My car's right over there, I don't need a ride, thanks anyway

Why don't you get in?

No, no, matter of fact I'm just down here doing a survey on these country roads

And I was wondering, what do you think of this road, this street... highway

I said get in

Hey look pal I told you before, I'm doing a job here

so just get this thing moving before I call a cop, y'know

You're causing a traffic jam, here

Holy mackerel, definitely a hatchet murderer

What am I doin' here? Probably travel in packs, these guys

Oh goody, country muzak. Beer?

Well thank you table C for the clap, I appreciate it

Well ladies and gentlemen we're taking a little pause for the cause right now

and we'll be right back

This ain't an audience, it's an oil painting

I like my beer real foamy, y'know what I mean?

Hey, you from the city, ain't you?

- The biggest - Ah... Knoxville!

New York

Y'know? Pizza, discos, room service

New York... hey y'all, this man's from New York!

You wanna keep it down, kinda incognito?

Don't wanna draw any attention to myself down here, alright?

Do me a favor

So uh... how's them old mafia boys doing these days?

Good, good, business is up, y'know they're right. Making a killing

Hey, let me ask you something

What's it like to take heroin?

Excuse me?

What's it like to shoot up a bunch of heroin?

God, I hate cowboys

Cowboys? Cowboys? Where? Where? Get an exterminator in here!

A little strange ain't ya there bud, weird buckaroo aren't ya?

Don't take offense, friend

- I'm just chewin' the fat there with you - Yeah

So, what's your name there, city boy?

Nick Martinelli

Well lift my leg, so is mine

I'm just ripping you there, part

No really, name's Barnett, Barnett Kale

Well lift my leg, so is mine!

Hey looky here why don't we eat us a few thousand beers

and you tell me what's buzzin' in the big bad city?

What's buzzin' in the... okay you got it

Couple beers for my friend here

Hey don't tell me, autopsy is your hobby, right?

What's that, a slug trail?

Damn, sonny, cut out that racket!

Yeah morning ma, there's some coffee eggs in the... (mumbling)

I'm laying in the mud, looking at a duck

Nick?

Yeah, howdy

- What are you doing? - Just hanging out with Daffy and the guys

- I feel terrible - Well you look terrible!

Thanks

Well it serves you right if you got a hangover and belly vengeance

How'd you get yourself home?

I crawled

But I crawled real cool, you would've been proud of me

See you guys, been nice

Where'd you go last night?

Well, me that this other guy we got to drinkin'

and we got so drunk we had more fun than a wet dog has stink

What?

Yeah we drank enough beer to fill a mole hole

Why are you talkin' like that?

Well, I heard this guy talking this stuff all night long and it sounded like fun

But it didn't sound like fun when I tried to do it, right?

Because you sound like Baby Hitler

So all I gotta do to make it work is to make it fun?

Yeah, something, you know, it's crazy but it just might work

And how are you gonna make it fun?

Well, I thought I'd get your friend to help us

That's a great... I tell you, that guy

he's more fun than, like, a cricket in your shorts

Now what does that mean?

I don't know, none of it makes any sense to me

So who is this fun guy?

Uh, what was it, um... Kale!

- Barnett? - Kale!

- Barnett Kale? S.O.B.? - Yeah, you got it

I don't believe it! Barnett ain't done nothing but lie to me

and cheat on me and treat me like dirt!

Don't tell me she's mad

Now he's messin' with the only decent person...

You can raise hell or cuss out anything you want around here

But unless you're tired o' livin'

I wouldn't be slinging that name Barnett Kale around here no more

Y'know I shouldn't have invited him for lunch, right?

No

I can't handle domestic problems

That's nice, that's real nice

I want to apologize for what went on down there

I didn't know you and this guy had this thing goin'

- We used to sing together - Like we do?

But on pitch

Anyway, I don't think it's your concern

Don't say that, because I like getting involved

in people's past histories

It's kind of like a hobby of mine, so

Why don't you just tell Ol' Saint Nick about it, okay?

Oh, okay. He got me started in the business,

he took to drinking, I took off, and that's that

- That's that? - That's it

Now look, I ain't got a little more time to teach you all the country I can

and I ain't gonna promise it's gonna all be fun

but I'll try not to be too much of a drag

Stop. The muzak.

I wouldn't have met him in the first place

if you hadn't have called me a "bum"

- Oh, so it's my fault - It's not your fault, but, y'know

It's just my whole life is a kinda plague with these bum stories

I mean I got a cousin who's definitely a professional bum

These two guys I grew up with

they're definitely bums, too

And the girl I took to the senior prom

she's not a bum, she's like this

fifth-degree bag lady, so...

You might say my life has been sort of a bummer

Well that is a # sad, sad, tale, woah

My dog died, too, did I tell you?

- No, no you didn't tell me that - Tragic

You're cute, Nick. But do you really want your own cab?

Oh yeah, as much as you want your contract back

Well then you're gonna have to work as hard as me to get it

And I'll help you work hard, if you help me be less of a drag, okay?

Yeah, sure, you got yourself a deal, cowgirl

Okay?

Oh and, St. Nick, the Wild Possums are gonna be here soon

and I left an outfit layin' on your bed

- Oh yeah? - You're gonna love it!

Alright, I love new clothes! I'll see ya later

Son, I can't tell you how good you look in that suit

That suit is YOU! Mm!

Oh, you done good, Nick, really, I'm proud of you

- How'd you like this getup? - I think I hate your tailor

Oh, what's the matter?

What's the matter? You're wreckin' my dignity

I'm a cabbie, I'm not a rhinestone laundry bag

Oh life's just full of little pad peas ain't it?

Yeah, why don't you have this hat spayed while you're at it?

Why don't you go practice your walk while I practice my diction, okay?

Okay

Come on, now you gotta watch me, Rhinestone

You gotta get a little dip in your hip, a little cut in your strut

a little pride in your stride, see, you get all that going

and it feels really good, you think you can do that?

No problem

- Well show me - Okay

You gotta get a little grit in your shin

a little flea in your knee, a little charm in your arm

- Don't bounce up and down so much - Look who's talkin'

Hey Nick, did you ever have a real wicked case of jock itch?

Oh, that's really feminine!

Well did ya?

You'll never know that because I plan

on taking that information to the grave with me, okay?

Howdy

Hey, Barnett!

Just keep practicing, Nick, more side-to-side

Hello Jake, it's very nice to see you again

you certainly look as lovely as ever

You're doing good, Nick, keep it up

Boy you about as dressed up as a sore finger

rehearsin' for Halloween, that it?

- More side-to-side, Nick - Sure be a nice...

Hey how about you don't distract us while we're workin'?

Working? That's the strangest occupation I ever seen

You're doing good, Nick, don't lean forward so much

'Scuse me, sweetheart, but why is he doing that?

I'm teaching him to walk like a cowboy, is that alright with you?

Hey, Nick, you ever had jock itch?

What is that a national past time down here?

You remember how it made you walk?

Here, give it a try. Do this

There ya go!

I feel like son of Frankenstein

Swing around here, that's a hell of a lot better, ain't it?

Itches great, now

You know what Nick, a couple hours on horseback

I could have you walkin' like Roy Rogers

A couple hours on horseback he'd be walkin' like Dale Evans

Aw, hell, here comes Barnett!

A little Tennessee parallel parking for you

God dang, what are you doin', Barnett?

Hey, Roy Carl, park my rig and don't mess it up, boy!

Hey, Barnett, I've had enough to drink, really

No sirree bobcat!

Hey let me tell you something, have I ever told you that time

me an' Jake, we went skinny dippin'...

Yeah, yeah, you already told me that

Well hey hey lemme tell you about that...

one time we went on down to the Tasty Freeze and took all these...

We already did the Tasty Freeze adventure, Barnett

Oh yeah...

Well anyways, hey you know, me and Jake, we go back a long ways together you know?

How long you known her?

What time is it?

I love this guy

Hey I swear to God, I love this old boy here

Why I oughta knock you on your...

That door 'bout attacked me... hey Luke, how you?

- Barnett, how are you? - Fine Luke, and you?

- Walt? - I'm fine, you?

Nice rap, guys

Boys, I want you to meet Nick Martinonello

No no no, Martinelli

'Scuse me, Nick Martinonelli

Hey how's about a beer, boy?

- Nah, pass, good buddy - Oh hell pass, bartender!

- No, no no, definitely pass - Ain't we good enough to drink with?

- Well look, Malt, I... - Walt

Walt!

Well Walt, I'm not very thirsty, but hey

thanks for carin' about me anyway

What's your problem, son?

Why? You a doctor?

Dance, cowboy?

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I thought you'd never get here

Well I'll see you good ol' boys later

Hey, she's crazy about me

I hate that guy

Well?

I dunno, back in New York you told me to keep my hands to myself, remember?

Well, we are in Tennessee now

Oh, and very, very, very very healthy

Damn it guys, come on!

- This isn't bad - Accent

- I says, this here teen't bad is all - That's good

Now you keep the accent goin'

And I wanna tell you something that I hope won't hurt your feelings

But when we started out

boy, I was sure that you was a certified disaster

And I'd have done better with a trained groundhog

God, what a turn-on

She's still crazy about me

But you know, you turned out really nice...

Hey 'scuse me good buddy, mind if I cut in?

- Well actually I do, good buddy - Say what?

I feel right comfortable here, buddy, but happy trails

Thank you

Boy, she could hardly contain herself

- Tell her I wanna dance - Barnett ain't lookin' none too happy

Love is a hurtin' thing

Well I hope I didn't come betwixt you good old boys

Well you did, but I forgive you, Jake, kay, kay...

I think we run aground here, Jake

- Hi, Malt - Barnett wants to dance

Good, then dance with him! Come on, Jake! Now, love is a hurtin' thing...

Way I see it, Barnett, she's still your woman

I wouldn't let some wise-ass city boy make me look stupid

- You callin' me stupid? - I ain't, he is!

- That's a nice dress - You like it?

Yeah, it's nice

It's a little revealing, but nice

You know, Jake, I gotta say what's on my mind

Because, you know, that's my personality

I'm thinking that I'm starting to get a little involved, here

Really?

- I have a feeling you say that a lot - Oh yeah? Well actually I do, but

this time I mean it

But you don't hardly know me

I know what I got, you know?

I think the buddy system is over

Wouldn't you just know it

I don't care what happens, don't start a ruckus!

- Yeah that's really nice - What is?

- You being worried about me, right? - You know I'm worried about ya

You lose a couple of teeth you ain't gonna be able to carry no kind of tune

And death. Death might hurt the song, too

I didn't think you went for the slick, greasy type, Jake

Thought he was a real fun guy, huh?

Barnett, why don't you just mind your manners

or this man is gonna whoop your butt 'til

you ain't nothin' but a shirt full of sore bones

What are you, my manager?

Always have a woman do your talking, slicko?

- Hey, you cool it, Puke - LUKE!

Yeyeah!

Why don't you just leave it be, Barnett? What are you proving?

That nobody's gonna come down and prove I'm a fool!

You do a real good job of that all by yourself

- Let's go, Nick - Retreat? Nick, retreat?

- For you, this one time - Hey, slick

Are you okay? How about your teeth, are they all still in?

You're not a fun date, you know that?

Zero fun

Look, I don't know about you, but I've had just about as much as I can stand

Can we go now?

Go?! I gotta waffle this guy!

Look you start a fight now and all bets are off, do you understand?

Do you understand?

- Yes, mom - Well good! Let's go!

Nick

Not bad for a little light work

Well I don't know why you got your tail so up in the air, it wasn't no big deal

To you!

- Well it's over and it don't matter - To you!

Well what's it gonna prove if you go back in there and fight? What?

'Cause I got no choice, that's why!

That's crazy, everybody's got a choice

Not if you're Italian, you heard of vendettas?

- Yeah, so? - So we invented them!

Well fine, go back in there, I hope they beat your ass

What?

Hey don't say that, 'cause you ain't never seen the kid in action!

Well if you're trying to impress me, forget it, I'm not impressed with suicide

Oh give me a break, sister

You know

When you're right, you're right

I don't wanna get involved in anybody's past history

especially yours

Still, I can't see how you almost got engaged to buzzard-lips back there

- Not almost - What?

- I was - No, you weren't

- I was! - You weren't

- I was! - Oh, come on. This is bad!

I'm tellin' ya, you just blew my whole image of ya

You know, I put you above all this, and you blew it

I gotta rethink this whole image thing now, that's what I gotta do

- Oh, please - Look, I thought about it

I'm human, you're human, he's sorta human

Nick forgives you. Nick forgives everybody!

- Hey that's great, Nick - I know

- You are a great guy! - I know

- And you are so full of it - I know that, too

- Alright? - That's pretty good, actually

You know, you're a lot better than I thought you were

you're gonna work out okay...

Oh, daddy, you're as out of tune as my guitar!

- You sound like you're feeling spry - I'm definitely in the spirit tonight

- How's your jaw? - Oh, fine, fine

Listen, do you wanna, like, maybe rehearse that song a little bit?

- Right now? - Oh yeah

- Well sure, in your...? - Yeah, my...

Well, sure, we could always use the...

- It's quiet - ...practice

You know practice makes perfect, don't you...

Are you all gonna make that racket all night?

- Good night, children! - Oh, daddy!

Great timing, dad

Listen, why don't we just take a rain check on that, okay?

Yeah, well, you know we do need the practice

Oh, lots of practice, definitely

- Good night, Nick - Good night, Jake

It's gonna be a long night, Nick. A long night

Damn!

Good night, Jake

Good night, daddy

Good night, Nick

Good night, Noah

Good night, Nick

Good night, Jake

God, I hate hillbillies

Is that old country feeling a-rising in you yet, son?

- About here! - All right

Thank you very much

I appreciate it!

I want to thank all of you for being such a great audience

and I have a special surprise for you tonight

I wanna introduce somebody to ya

We'll call him a special guest star 'cause

he's a real popular country singer in many parts of the country

Ha, since when?

And he's making his big city debut tomorrow night in New York City

Will you help me make him welcome? Howling Nick Martin!

No

Come on

Showbiz ain't in my blood no more, forget it

Y'all excuse me a minute, we'll be right with you, okay?

Forget it, finished, I don't wanna do it, no

Don't be nervous

I'm not nervous, my lips are sore, look, maybe later, forget about it

It's a natural thing, Nick, I mean the first time I was ever on stage

I thought I was gonna die

I mean my head hurt, I was upset at my stomach

I felt like I had a rusty knife caught in my throat

- What did you do? - I threw up!

This talk has done me a world of good Jake, thank you

Come on, you will do great, now remember your walk

Looks like he's got jock itch

- Well I guess I'd best commence the plan - You'd best get your tail off stage, son

I say, it's great to have the president of my fan club here tonight

He's playing you all for fools, he ain't got a drop of country in him y'all

You can always tell when Barnett's been over my house

the toilet ain't never flushed, and the cat's pregnant

That's ol' Barnett, alright!

Barnett, you know, it looks like you got a slight bladder problem

I can tell that from your rusty zipper and yellow boots

You must know Barnett pretty good!

Well that's about as funny as a rubber crutch in a hospital ward

Barnett, how'd you get that greasy look, combing your hair with a pork chop?

That's enough

I might as well start my farewell performance

Possum number 2

Watch your pitch, get the tempo up a little

Yeah, it's getting good

- Take a bow - Thank you. My mother thanks you

- You did it, you did it, you did it! - Not quite

What do you mean? We're ready for New York!

Not yet

Hold it right there, Nick!

Wait wait, what do you think you're doing?

It's vendetta time!

Hey look, violence ain't the way

And besides, I wanna do it!

- Take that, Slime-stone Cowboy! - What are you, Jane Wayne?

Well he had it comin'

- I was supposed to do that - Well, it's too late

What do you mean, too late? It was my duty!

Maybe next time

- What next time? - You bloodied my nose!

Will you get outta here?

- You're giving me a sissy complex - Why don't we just go sing a little?

- What about my complex? - Well it looks clear enough to me

Don't be funny, you're wrecking my masculinity, you know that?

Alright, the bull's mad now!

- How am I supposed to handle this? - Well I think you just did

My hero! And he's just gettin' warmed up, too

- You still my manager? - Y'all wanna hear ol' Nick sing another?

Great idea!

And it's dedicated to you, and especially you

What we gonna do?

Piss on it. I never liked the som'abitch anyway

Hey, Tennessee, you've been a fine audience

Matter of fact, you all been as tight as a gnat's nose stretched over a rainbow

and this is Howlin' Nick Martin singing

I'm gonna see you next tour, and...

God bless you all

That's real down home

I think you got it, boy

Well I tell you I can really feel something on stage you know

I mean it was like electricity going back and forth and back and forth

between me and them people

Hmm... it was probably the chilli

No it wasn't the chilli, it was electricity

Well I was just funnin' ya, son

Come on, I wanna show you something

- I was real proud of you tonight - Mamma mia

and I want you to have this

- Well I knew you'd be deeply moved - Noah, I don't wanna hurt your feelings

- You won't. I want you to keep it - Thanks, but the suit likes you better

- No more! You've earned it, son - Noah, do me a favor, keep it, okay?

- I want you to have it - Can we be truthful here?

Sure can

You're a good man, you're a good Christian, and you're a good farmer

So-so dresser. Okay?

So, trust me when I tell you that this is the ugliest garment I've ever seen

Well sure as hell is, and you know I've been trying to dump this eyesore for years

I believe I'll have her cleaned and burned

Good idea

- Good night son - Good night, Noah

Good night, suit

Perfect timing, perfect body

What a coincidence finding your here. I was just talking with your father

That's nice

Yeah, nice, he was trying to give me that cowboy suit of his

Oh, daddy's always trying to pawn that old thing off on somebody

Really?

But I rented you a beautiful suit for the show in New York, did I tell you?

Did you?

Well I was wondering if you maybe wanted me to show you those chords?

For the song you're gonna do? In New York?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Okay

Why don't you come on over here, I think the acoustics are better

Sounds like a good idea, I think the lighting's better, too

Well, I don't know how much you remember of what I showed you

but you're gonna be playing like an open tuning, so you kinda just like...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, I gotta do something

I don't know about you, but...

I definitely can't put off temptation any more

It's about time

- Excuse you? - I said it's about time

You mean to tell me you were ready before?

Well I was, but you was always causin' a ruckus, Captain Action

And I spent all those nights taking cold showers, and the other half

watching horny moths bouncin' off my light bulbs?

- Moths? - Well, some of them had a great technique

Well I hope you took notes

Matter of fact, I did

- Woah - Woah

Well you uh, sure kiss like a cowboy

But there's one more thing I'd like to find out

You got it

Be gentle

Thank you!

You should have called, I could handle her

One, two, three, four, five, six...

Hold it! Wait!

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I want to make a toast to my son

A man who left here a zero, a capital nothing

A guy going nowhere. A total strike-out

And now he's back, and he looks a little different. But I love him

And I toast my son. Hop along meatball!

Thank you dad! Them words are down right inspiring!

The one thing you can do is set me on fire!

Well, anyway, I want y'all to meet a girl

that helped me see things real different

I want y'all to mean Leapin' Jake from Leiper's Fork!

Hey Jake! Hey mom!

I don't really know exactly what to say

Except that when Nick came down home to Tennessee with me

he said he felt like he was on another planet

Well, I just want y'all to know I think we're even now

Alright! Woo!

You're singing my hair, Romeo

I really don't know exactly what to say except that I hope we do real fine tomorrow

that I'm gonna have back what I need, and Nick's gonna have his own taxi

Woah, woah, wait

Wait...

You don't think I could ever go back to driving a taxi again do you?

I mean, Jake, I'm a singer now

- That's right, he's our Sinatra! - Take the cab

What makes you think you're a singer after two weeks?

I mean I do after feeling what I felt up there on that stage

I could never go back to hacking a taxi

But it ain't that easy! And what makes you think you can earn a livin' singing?

It's tough out there

The audience, I mean, I... I thought I was a pretty big hit with those farmers

Well now them farmers happen to be my family and friends

and they's applauding for me and the band just the same as it was for you

Take the cab!

I don't want the cab

- So, all this work was for one night? - No, one song

And after that it's over?

Over? Boy I hope not, Nick

But then I guess that's up to you

Nick, you're bringing the party down!

Ohhh, okay, I guess it just had to come out, didn't it?

It just had to bubble onto the surface

- Professional jealousy! - Jealousy?

- The old professional jealousy - It ain't jealousy

Oh, Nick, honey, you know how I feel about you, but you ain't a real singer yet

You're sort of like a robot right now

We put you together like a... a mud pie

M... mud pie?!

Forget it, Nick, you can't work with her

He can't start his career off like this!

Career? What career? I make music, he's still making pollution

I don't need this public embarrassment here!

Well I don't need it either!

Ever since I got hooked up with you I ain't had nothin' but brown-eyed agony

Hell, I might as well forget the bet and just sleep with Freddie!

Whoops

Sleep with Freddie?

- Who's Freddie? - You don't know him

Sleep with Freddie?

You're thinking about shacking up with the Guru of Doo-doo?

It was part of the deal if I lost, anyway it ain't none of your affair

What d'you mean it's none of my affair, that guy's a wart!

Well I did what I had to do, I'd like to see what you'd have done!

- I wouldn't sleep with Freddie! - Well I didn't do nothin' yet!

Yet? Yet?! You mean if you lost you'd go through with this?

Well I don't know about you

but where I'm from people honor their word no matter what!

Okay

Forget you, forget this, forget everything!

Listen up, bright eyes. I didn't pick you, I got stuck with you

But I tried to make the best of a bad situation

Now you think you're this fast rising star, maybe you are

'cause when you get right down to it, a star ain't nothing but a big ball of gas!

Gas?

- Hey, that hurt - Don't ever trust a man

The bet's off!

Oh yeah? Well maybe for you, but not for me

'cause I'll be there! I'll be there

- You should've called, I could handle her - Bad timing, dad

(Speaking Italian)

Aw, honey, come on

Oh I've treated him awful, Jessie

I mean I embarrassed him in front of all his friends, I got him fired from his job

I called him a mud pie

It's not your fault, you got a career at stake here!

It is my fault. I turned his folks against him

Made him give up his down to earth goals

and worst of all I exposed him to Freddie Ugo

Believe me, he won't get past this crowd

Freddie's been lining up the worst hecklers in New York, forget it!

Well what if he does? And he might, you know

Well, then you'll win, what's so bad about that?

Oh what's so bad is he'll go off all cocksure of himself

sayin' he's gonna be some big singer

And then if he can't make it he'll probably wind up with nothing

Probably become a wino

Wind up in a gutter somewhere with all the other bums he knew

You're a real optimist, Jake

Well I ain't going through with it

I'm gonna ask Freddie to call the whole thing off

Well I wonder who is outside?

- Welcome home, all o' you - Freddie, I have to talk to you

Yeah, baby, let's talk, we shall consider it foreplay

- I'm trying to be serious - I am serious

This is the most serious night of our lives. Entre vous, mais enfin

Freddie baby, tonight is gonna be your lucky night

Hey. If you're expecting her to show up, forget it

- How do you know? - She's probably at Freddie's right now

Good. That's nice. Good

Don't bother me

Comin' through!

Taxi! Taxi! Right here! Hey I need a ride, taxi!

Taxi, hey!

Come on, help a human will ya?

Taxi, woah woah woah woah woah

No way, okay?

Taxi!

The best for the best

80 bucks a bottle, baby

60 if you buy 'em by the case

And speaking of cases...

Freddie sure got one for you, mama

- I don't want nothin' to drink - Come on, angel, loosen your strings, here

I don't want it, really, my strings are fine

That's cool

Hey, listen, Freddie, the bet's off

No way! Hold on a minute, you have made a deal

with the Manhattan Love Machine

So nothing's off! Except maybe a few choice garments

So... how about a nice cozy little fire?

Some mood lighting and some mellow sounds

This one needs no explanation. Dig it

- I love it - Good night, Freddie

Hang on

What was that?

That... was your passport... to Freddie's world

Welcome

Hey, bus, bus, bus! Hold it! Hold it!

I'm in heels. What are you doing? What, you want me to fly across town?

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi! Hey where's your loyalty?

Taxi...

Oh, give me a break!

Why not?

Hey pal, test drive!

No once again, relax, ready?

Come on

Hold it, hold it, hold it, cool it, wait for the leg! Wait for the leg!

Come on, you're giving me a headache here, make me look good

No, horse, no

My leg, my leg, no no no come on, no no no you get me dizzy, come on

Please please please please, no no hold...

Okay. Now, now. Okay, giddyup, move it

Floor it! Hoof it! Okay, take off!

- You son of a bitch! - Boogie

- Get off my horse - Take two!

- What the hell you doing? - Move!

Woah!

Hey, come back here! Ah, shit!

Woah woah comin' through! Right away!

Left turn! Left turn! Woah!

That's it. Hold it, hold it. Hot horse! Hot horse! Hot horse!

Comin' through

Watch your feet, watch your feet comin' through, hold it

Woah, cool it, cool it, stop, cease, desist, woah!

Hey mister, you can't bring a horse in here! Hey, mister!

Hey mister, what are you crazy, where you goin?

- Freddie Ugo's! - Oh

Hey what's the matter with you, are you nuts?

- That guy just came in here on a horse! - He's going to Freddie Ugo's

Oh

Woman, get over here! Ah!

- No more Mr. Nice Guy! - Jake! Open up!

Hey Jake, open that door, it's Nick!

You get outta them clothes, baby, I want you to perch those buns back on the bed

I ain't foolin' around with you no more! I'm serious, move!

- What are you crazy? Mamma Mia! - Freddie, open the door!

Not a chance!

Jake, I'm coming baby! Don't worry about it! I'm coming, Jake!

Alright, pal, you keep pounding on the door, it's 3 inches thick! Wiseguy!

Jake, stay there baby, I got you covered

- Why don't you open the door? - Ahhhh Jake!

- Ah you did it again! - What are you doing here?

Well I'm here to rescue you

Thank you but you're just a lil late

Jake, if we're going to get along, you've just gotta give up active combat, really

Okay. But you gotta admit you're a strange lookin' hero

- Look, what are you doing here? - Nothing!

I happen to have friends in high places - yeah yeah yeah!

- Why'd you forfeit the bet? - 'Cause we ain't got a chance

- I don't believe that! - Oh, Nick, I can't go on like this

- I can't be pulled this way - Come on, Jake, I'm not pulling on you!

- I don't wanna fight anymore - I don't either, but look

I never finished anything in my life before I swear to god, this is the first time

I'm going through with this bet tonight no matter what

But for you to give up your pride, to give up your dignity, to sleep with that mutt!

Okay that does it. You're a big hero and I'm really impressed, pal

But I happen to have a bet going on here,

one in which I do not intend to lose, alright?

So just haul your bones out into the hall pal, okay?

It won't take very long, I'm really not very good, do me a favor will ya?

- Oh come on, now! - Yeah YOU come on! Come here!

- We gotta get to the Rhinestone - No, no, no, no! No Rhinestone

You're gonna owe me 5 years on the bet, just like we planned, okay?

5 years, that takes care of the bet, alright?

You're not gonna welch on me this time. You, c'mere-

Mr Lowlife, we got 35 minutes, the deal's not off 'til 12 o'clock, let's go

Wa- wait a minute!

- I'm supposed to say that - What's the difference?

The difference is, it's my horse

- Okay? Let's go - Clown

The crowd'll kill you. 35 minutes!

Nick, now don't be over-confident, this crowd's out for blood!

Don't worry, Jake, we're gonna kill 'em

"We"?

Yeah, you and me, we're a great duet, Jake!

- Nick, it ain't gonna be a duet tonight - What?

That's the bet, you gotta win 'em over yourself, first!

Are you kidding me? Ahhh!

Hello out there!

How's everybody feeling tonight?

Good, I'm glad to hear it, it's really good to be back

I'm gonna introduce a new singing star to you tonight and

I want you to help me give him a real warm Rhinestone welcome

How about a big hand for Howlin' Nick Martinelli!

Y'all be nice to him now

So much for brotherhood

Elvis Spaghetti!

Hey, that's darn funny, fella!

Hey speak up, pal, I can't hear you over your suit!

It is a big loud, ain't it? Be quiet! I told you to mind your manners

Well

anyway, what I hear is, that it's harder gettin' a song past you all

than sneakin' a donkey past dawn

- Rooster, Nick. Rooster - What?

Rooster

I'm sorry, make that dawn past a rooster

I bet his hair's higher than his IQ!

What is that a hair-do or a launching pad?

It's a home for wayward spiders

Look at him, he's dying

What I'd like to do is sing a little song that my friend Jake over there wrote

Yeah! Yeah!

It's real good and, uh, I hope you like it

Off! Off!

Two weeks this took you, eh? You're gorgeous

So far he's doing beautiful, here's another five year contract, sweetie-pants

It's ain't over yet, Freddie

Shut up, you're giving me a Rhinestone rash!

Okay, if you want it, you got it

Okay guys let's pick up the beat, okay? Let's do it!

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die my way!

Hey, how are y'all doing over there tonight?

Better than you are!

Well if you wanna act up a little bit let's act up a little bit, okay?

I'd like all the good looking women out there to say 'yay'!

Oh c'mon, I know there's better looking women out there

Lemme hear you say 'yay'!

Lemme hear all the horny women in the audience say 'yeah'!

I knew you were out there!

Now, you hear that, guys?

Lemme hear all the studs in the audience say 'yay'!

C'mon I didn't say the pansies, I said the studs

Now lemme hear you say 'yay'!

Okay, let's go!

Now I want you to say after me, okay?

The!

South!

Is gonna!

Rise!

Tonight!

Thank you all

- Can you hold this for me? - Again?

Well, F.U., I think you got something that don't belong to you no more

- Yeah I know - No, no, no. The contract

You're pretty good y'know. You could do a hell of a job for us here

You signed with anybody?

- I'll send you the bill for the taxi, okay - Wait, wait, I wanna ask you something

Is she any good?

Incredible. Bastard...

That so

- Poor Freddie - What do you mean, poor Freddie?

He can't help it if he's got a case for you

Well is it my fault?

- Yeah, kinda - Why?

Why? I mean...

- Look at the way you're dressed! - What's the matter with the way I dress?

Nothing, except you look like a moving violation!

Well when you stop wearing pants I can see your pulse through

- we got something to talk about - I didn't think she's notice!

I tell you this is somethin' else that's got to be love

Say it with an accent

It's got to be luh-hurve!