Original subtitles

Dammit, Agness. Again?

Ranger Moochie! Come look at this!

Time to wake up, momma.

Yeoww!

I wouldn't do that, momma. Course...

it's your choice.

Its' always Good to have a choice.

By the way, You lied to me.

How so?

You said if I saw the other one, you'd have to kill me

I never lie. Momma taught me better.

Bring those babies to daddy. I'm ready for round two.

Alright, but you gott say it again for me first.

Come on Badman! Come on, do it one more time

Hippity hop, moe-foe.

That was so good...

Baby... Stop...

I might say it again later too...

Yeah... that's what I'm talking about,

His moans of pleasure

Who you calling a liar? Asshole.

Sorry Thelma. High test next time. I Promise.

Making a movie, right?

Sorry?

You're Kane Hodder. The horror king. I was at the

convention. you weren't at your table. Figured you must be

making a movie here.

Are they filming you now? Us... now?

Yea and you're fucking up the shot, Nurse Ratchet.

Cuckoo's Nest. It was ok. I like yours better. More real.

Don you are going to love... Motherfucker! This place

is a mess, Weve been here one day. Don!

In the spring... When proud pied April, dressed in all his

trim... I've put the spirit of youth in everything.

Here's Daddy. Where's my Fritter? Where's my

Fritter baby boy? There's my little boy.

Aagh! Dude, what the fuck?

Don't you remember the autograph thing?

Did I miss it?

Come here. Come here Fritter. Come here.

My little guy. Did you miss me? My little pupper-wupper.

Did you miss me? Cuz' I sure missed you.

I gotta take a piss. My peep hurts.

Pack your things... We're going on a trip.

Look... Aha... look at that baby... C'mon...

Yeah... My little pupper wupper

I'm telling you this because I'm coming into some money

this weekend, and I'd very much like to see you again.

Nobody ever wants to see me again.

Well then nobody, is an idiot.

The show any good?

Yeah, it was great. It was great. That's why we are

leaving, asshole.

I get back Sunday morning. Give me your number and

I'll give you a call

Phone.

Bye.

You have no messages.

Good night sweet prince. Flights of angels sing

thee to thy rest.

Hello?

Chunks?

That's my name. Don't wear it out. See you in 2 days.

Movie star

Movie star...

Old girl's looking pretty trim.

Don a little help?

Fuck you... That crack in your ass doesn't make you

a cripple...

What you got up there?

That is a Ceremonial Tee-Pee. Got it at the Con in Phoenix.

I drank, I fornicated, I came... I slept... I think.

I would've thought you'd eaten that thing by now.

Don't joke like that. It's not funny.

Fuck.

Shit.

Problem?

It's flat.

Haven't even got into this one.

You don't have a car.

So. You go to your church, I'll go to mine.

What?

Where's Colonel Wilson gonna ride?

We call top bunk.

Anybody else want a P, B & J?

Nobody calls top bunk.

Who died and made you Thelma's king?

She's my motorhome.

I am the king of Thelma.

Thelma is a Mini Winnie.

And a Mini Winnie does not a motorhome make!

R.A. pick up the phone beside ya'.

Hi, hi Trixie.

TRIXIE Hey, What is it? What's wrong, honey?

Fritter can't sleep unless we have the top bunk.

Can't sleep outside...

Ok. Why can't you sleep outside R.A.?

You'll laugh.

R.A.! I won't laugh.

I promise

You will. You all will.

R.A. We're your friends, were not gonna' fucking laugh!

What?

I'm afraid of the dark.

They always had floodlights when we were filming.

Nobody knew.

Dee Dee... You got that meat off the bone yet, girl?

Yes, momma.

They're gonna be here in about a half hour.

God...

No frickin' way.

Now this is part

where we fill up at the remote gas station and meet the

stringy haired hag.

Thirty years.

Yeah.

I farted.

What?

Sorry, was that my outside voice?

Hold that thought.

Practice makes perfect.

Anybody alive back here?

Really?

It's been thirty years. How come I've gotten so much older...

and you haven't aged a day.

Aaaah! Shit!

Shit.

What was that?

What happened, you guys?

Dammit, Agness. Is he dead?

Shit no. All he is, is wet. Missed and he's pissed himself

That's Agness? Dude.

That chick would boil your rabbit.

How the hell many of you are there? Deal was five.

You get seven for the price of five.

I look like I'm talking to you, you little hell whore?

I finish with who I start with. I started with him.

Don't get your panties in a wad. How in the hell can ya'll

be such scary, scary people in your movies and your just

pussies in person?

I'm just shittin' with you. I'm just jokin' ya, come here.

Keep your wits aboutcha'

Daughter!

Yeah, momma?

Bring Daddy's remedy. We got company.

Yes ma'am.

Well pick him up, put him in a damn chair, c'mon.

For corn's sake girl... where in the piss are you?

I'm right here, momma.

These are the movie stars I told bout, this here's my

daughter, Dee Dee.

I've seen all yall's movies. I like'em a lot.

I like yours a lot too.

You have, tattoos. I like tattoos.

Well I have three, Randy. Got one here... and one here.

Where's lucky number three?

Well Don, if you saw that one I'd have to kill you.

You all forgotten about your friend here that you was

just so worried about?

Fuck. what is that shit?

Buttermilk will help.

You tried to kill me.

If I was trying to kill you, you'd be dead.

What was in that shit?

It's Habanero seed shine. One seed per gallon.

That is not ok. It is not ok to give that shit to people

Two of them little bastards and you can kiss your

ass good bye. Kane!

Dee Dee.

No shit..? Your name's really Dee Dee?

That's right.

How do you spell that?

It's simple... Two D's.

Two D's

Damages at the pump?

How much she take?

Four Fourteen Eighty Eight

Ask him again.

I Didn't hear you... How much?

Seventy Three Thirty Four

Think you have enough guns around here?

Can't ever have enough guns around here.

I hate guns.

More for me.

Charlene has a 350 Golden Commando with a push button

torque fly tranny and three and a quarter gears in a pumpkin.

Charlene?

This is one lean machine, did your boyfriend build it?

Don't have one. Did. Fiance'. He Died. Last winter.

Your father then?

He died too. Same time. Last winter. He helped me pick her

out, but I did the restoration myself.

Do you ever come out to the trailer park?

RV park. Momma says trailer parks are for trash.

And I go out there sometimes to go fishing on Saturdays.

Spare shoe any good on that bitch?

I put a whole can of Flat'A Fix in it before we left.

Listen city boy, you put Flat'A Fix in mounted spare

and it settles in the bottom. It's gotta roll to work.

She had me at mounted.

I call the spaces areas. Adds to the mystery, ya take area 13

Alright, five grand. Half now. I'll take the fuel

and the window from the balance on Sunday.

You are a stickler for the details.

That's where the real fun lives.

Dee Dee made you some sandwiches. Pulled beef.

Local. On the house.

Count it on the way to the job.

I trust you.

Shoot, count it. Get out.

Ouch!

You ain't really mad are you?

It's called Resting Place. Seven miles down.

Road turns to dirt 3 miles after that. Down a hill.

That's a weird name for a trailer park.

It's an RV park. Trailer parks are for trash.

You like the taste of blood?

Long as it's not mine.

Come on! We gotta haul tits!

I gotta take advantage of all this free publicity since

my Sid and that worthless puke fiance of D D s got, tore up.

What happened? A bear?

That was winter, you pecker-head.

Summer's now. Everything eats in summer.

Everything s full as a tick. Get outta here. Go on.

Don't get ahead of yourself... whore-child.

Where did you say you met your Agness?

Not my Agness. Online.

Yeah... That's a comfort.

She was a witch.

R.A. there's no such thing as witches, witches aren't real.

Thats just in books and movies.

I think witches are real.

My Nana was a witch.

Your who was a what?

My Nana. Used to kill squirrels. Cast spells. Black Magic.

We want to go home.

Nobodies going home. Malcolm, tell R.A. you're full of shit.

R.A... I'm full of shit. But my Nana was a witch!

Not funny Malcolm.

You, are the scariest thing out here.

You rock the quilt my friend.

I can be scary. Really scary... Whoahhhh

I got it. Da'yeah!

Got what?

Got the domain. HauntYourRVpark.com. Go Daddy!

Hey.

JEEZE! Judas Priest!

Fuck, Randy. Do you have any idea

how close to death you just came?

You're not Mister Black, Don, so won't you just drop

the attitude, cut all the bullshit. You re from Piasaw.

I got a bar.

Yeah, me too.

You're a popular guy.

You know what, I'm gonna go over here and check my message.

Give you some privacy.

All right so where's Grizzly Adams, you said he was here.

Well he was. I had to step over him to get out.

Is he dead?

Really? Most sincerely.

Look at that.

Yeah I know.

Candles.

Hi movie star. Hope I don't sound like a stalker or

anything but I wanted to hear your voice. I like it. Sexy.

See you Sunday in the A.M.

Really? I'm getting so tired of this shit.

Trixie? Yeah it's Charlie. Listen... Fuck it you

didn't get the job. Not because you don't dance well because

your too damn old. And I've got to...

I've got to move on... consider yourself officially

released from the agency. You're fired.

Good luck though.

Skipping town? Think you're pretty fucking smart dont you?

Ready to go?

Yeah.

Good news

Watch TV.

Et tu, Brute.

Who the hell gets fired by their agent?

Fuck him. You're a star. It's his loss.

You got star written all over you baby doll.

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.

A man of infinite jest he had born.

You wouldn't bullshit me, would you, K?

I bullshit you not, Trix.

Yeah...

Yeah, that's what I thought. I've got star written all

over me.

Candles?

Fuck!

Son of a dead Zombie slut, you're in love.

Why didn't you fucking tell me?

Shit. Motherfucker. God!

Don, save me. Help me. Don!

My God, come on. You...

I don't know.

Ewww... You smell that?

Yeah.

Texting while driving is dangerous.

Don't we have any brakes?

Yeah we have brakes. Just not many of 'em.

What's that?

That, is a log.

That's good. That'll stop us, right?

No, that's bad. But that'll stop us.

That was fun.

Fuck, R.A. you hurt Thelma, God dammit.

It was an accident.

You alright? Is everybody alright?

Get out of the way.

Fuck a fucking duck.

Problem?

Bent her shoe when we hit that log.

Hey... Dude. I got you covered. I had Double Dee put air in the

spare. Am I your hero or what?

Or what.

Balls. We're gonna have to change it. I'll limp us back

to area thirteen and we'll pull out her jack.

Woo weee. She's a beauty. Yes she is what a beauty

you done there, buddy. Y all come down that hill like a

scalded cat.

Figured I'd just come over see if ya'll need a little help.

Thelma's brakes aren't what they used to be.

And I did not expect that hill.

Hell, nobody does.

Look out there Freddie. Freddie!

It's, Teddy. Freddie was the first one. I'm... number two

I'm talking to the dog... Teddy.

Ya'll need to move out to an area were this will still roll

Agness told us to take area thirteen.

Sure... Agnes.

Area thirteen is down the end of this road. Down by the river.

You all get in any trouble. You need any help changing

that shoe... I m in Area fifty-one. Down the hill, cross

the lake. Down on the left... But don t come this way, you'll

bust your can. Yep, follow them lights. That's the only way to

go. That's the easy way. Come on Freddie! Look out little buddy.

What's that over there? Is that a hog?

Alright let's go. We gotta lighten our load

everybody out.

It's not a shoe it's a rim. What is it with you RV people?

I'm Sorry! I'm Sorry! OK, OK!

Guys, guys, guys. I'm gonna take a shower.

It's time to wear and scare.

Come on, let's go.

I said you're walking.

Don, stop looking at my ass.

Can't stop honey, can't stop.

Let's go... Move or bleed. Move or bleed.

Yeah... that's a nice place to park.

I Didn't see it.

I see that.

We gott'a get her shoe fixed and get to scaring some people.

Don't you think you're taking that "her"

shit a little too far? I mean, Thelma s an it.

Man. This is cool. I bet I can put it up.

Shit! My God! My God It's killing me it hurts!

Get it out! Get it out! My God it hurts!

Here, here, here sit on this. Let's think about it.

Think about it? Take it out God dammit! Please!

Pull the bloody thing out God dammit!

Hey!

Shit. That hurts, man!

Really? You're Yelling? How the hell are we supposed to scare

people around here when everybody already knows

we're here

You look scary nice.

Puppy pecker for brains here put a totem pole through

my foot.

Actually, It's not a totem pole. It's...

Who cares?

Kane.

Hey. If you don't shut up I'm gonna

put the totem pole up your ass.

I'm gonna put it up all yall's ass.

Hey Fellas. Do you mind if I go out and fright

someone before it gets too dark?

That's a good idea, R.A. You get out there and

fright some people. We'll join you when we

get Thelma fixed up.

Hey, I'm still getting paid, right?

Even though I can't walk?

Drag a foot. It's scarier when you drag a foot.

That's a great idea.

Where's the jack? Let's get this thing fixed and get to

work. I don t want to piss off your Agness.

She's Not my Agness!

Abaagarrrrr!

The jacks around the back.

Abaagarrrrr!!

I'll get the spare.

R.A. Honey bear. Don't do that.

You know they dubbed in that yell, right?

That was never really you.

Yeah... but I've got to find... something real

for out here.

Where's the jack?

Think I oughta use my Skill saw?

Yeah. Go get'em big boy. Scare'em good ok!

Don? Please...

Hey Kane..? What about my foot?

Trixie. Give me your towel.

Such a pussy.

Okay... easy. Easy. Easy...

This'll stop the bleeding.

It hurts,

My...

Good?

Yeah.

Good.

Hey, Malcolm. Drag your foot over and give me a hand

Set the key pole and lean the others against it.

Do you ever shut up? You're like a dead pig farting.

You re a theatrical Jew. Not a fucking Indian.

I m a fucking Indian.

Yeah? I know how to set up a Tee Pee

I went to summer camp.

Yeah? Camp Shlo Mo in Griffith Park?

Hey, what is the problem over there?

I don't have the key pole!

Go easy. She comes off this jack, we're screwed.

Hey, I know how to jack up a car, okay.

I've jacked up a car before, alright?

Okay. Okay. I just worry about my Thelma.

She s all I have.

Why don't you fucking jack her up? Fuck you, man.

What the hell's got his panties all in a wad?

I don't know.

Look, I've got good news and bad news.

She rolls but she's not gonna hold any weight.

Keep your fur on little friend. Seven more seconds!

Four. Three. Two. One... Ding. Hot and buttery!

You really using that?

Yeah.

That things old. I mean really old.

That's older than me old. Dude.

Yea...

Yea, good, nice! I rock this quilt!

Because it's not about muscle, meathead.

It s about impact. Wanna see a little trick?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

Shit. Easy.

Don't shit a duck. She's fine.

Did that thing put a hole in her ceiling?

Better not have put a hole in her ceiling.

Her ceiling is fine, grandma.

Yes. Yes!

Good job man.

Let's go eat.

Let's go eat.

That was good. That was good.

You smell something, little man?

Protection mode, compadre. Comprende?

You picked the wrong RV there...

Mister?

Now that's creepy.

Mister? You okay? I was just trying to scare ya.

Crap. Crap...

I wanna go home!

If she falls, so help me, Randy.

I'm not the one who came down that hill

like I was in a fucking rodeo

Shut up. Lemme get this pole out of the way.

He's dead. I killed him. I don't wanna be here.

I want to go home!

R.A. wait. Don't go in there!

Shit.

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and girls...

You alright, K?

Lucky fucker landed in it.

What's your name? Corgie? C

I heard he died on the table. You'll get your turn.

Everybody's gotta have a gimmick.

Which one are you?

That's R.A. Mihailoff, He's the shit. The real deal.

He can t talk because his mom burned his tongue out

with a curling iron when he was wait, How old are you?

Eleven. I like the fourth quiltface better. The

fourth quiltface was cool.

The fourth quiltface was CGI.

I was eleven.

If your mother burned out your tongue when you were eleven

how come you can talk now?

You're eleven now. How come you can talk?

Because I'm alive you moron.

I can fix that.

Not again, R.A. please.

Hodder?

Hi'ya, C. Having a good show?

It's K actually. Can't talk right now.

I've got a line out the door.

Yeah... right. You see that freak show across from

your empty table? He s mine. Don t bullshit me, Kane.

You bullshit me, I get angry. I get angry, you get hurt.

You know I hate guns, Kassir.

Yeah... funny for a guy who shoots a hundred people

a minute in his movie.

These people are weird.

Here's what you're gonna do. You're going to put every

sweaty $20 bill you make this weekend into a bag and then you

are going to give it to my masochistic pal there. And C..?

You're not my keeper, Kassir. And it's K actually.

Who gives a shit? When I add those sweaty twenty dollar bills

up they better come somewhere awfully fucking

close to that twenty-five hundred bucks I paid to

option that shit-turd of a screenplay you wrote

or I will be angry on the Sabbath.

What?

How's your thirteenth?

It's Shit. My thirteenth is shit, Agness

We on then?

Gimmie an hour.

Will do.

How's the movie money coming? The Texas

investor still solid?

Everybody wants to be in the movies but nobody wants to pay

for it. Texas investor's full of shit.

I liked your script. Scared me.

Birds scare you, R.A.

I hate birds.

You guys gotta see Trixie's blood ballet burlesque.

It is out of sight she is so hot!

She have a crowd?

A coupl'a kids... A guy jerkin' off and me.

But she does it every hour on the hour and im gonna tell ya,

I wanna get some of that blood on my finger.

You are a sick old bastard, Soggy.

Said Quiltface to the Butcher.

Which one are you?

Which one do you want me to be?

I really liked number three. Number three is my favorite!

Mine too. I'm number three. Now buy a picture before

I skin you alive and use your face as a night light!

Mom, he's number three, can I get two? He's number three.

Look kiddo... I...

Hey ma'am theres an ATM right over there in the coffin.

They are only young once, don't dissapoint.

Thanks, Teddy.

Yeah... thanks, Teddy.

What's your name, sweetie? I'll get these started for ya.

Just your name and number three. I'm gonna sell them on ebay.

Thanks, Mason.

You weren't number three. Richard was number three.

I know that. But he'd do the same for me.

May God rest his soul.

May God rest his soul.

Guys... I wanna go home.

R.A. Don't move. I'm gonna go fix the jack.

The brick cracked...

Shit... Don't move, Don't move...

God dammit.

Shit, Shit.

Hey R.A. Why don't you just slide on out of there, nice and

easy. Come on.

Can't. I don't want to be here.

Sure you can. Because you have to.

So just slide out nice and easy, right to me.

Can't. I Wanna go home.

I'm scared Kane.

I know. Relax, R.A.

I can't.

You remember that time at Monster Mania.

Shit.

Just calm down buddy, pull yourself together big guy cause

we are going to get you out of there, got it?

Stop... stop wagging your tail fritter, your tickling me!

And that guy asked you what R.A. stands for, I chimed in I

said it was reach around but you didnt think it was very funny?

It's not very funny K.

No, but and then Sid Haig... God Dammit

Fritter.

Shit.

Shit. Kane... I'm scared.

Don't move. Don't move. Randy! Get him out of there!

Son of a bitch!

Fritter, come on. Here boy. Here boy. Jump!

Come on Fritter. Come to me baby... Jump to me!

Shit...

It's okay, Fritter... good boy.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah.

Guys you will not believe what I just saw.

This place freaks me out!

Is he dead?

Yeah.

That can't be good.

My God. What happened?

A stupid accident.

We are being paid a thousand bucks each to scare some

people. This is an R.V. park wth a gimmick. None of this

shit is real. It's all accidents!

This is bullshit.

No it isn't bullshit!

Bullshit! Bullshit, Kane!

Wait. Kane has a point. R.A. was an accident,

that's plain and simple. Malcolm... he's probably out

eating mushrooms, talking to his socks.

Randy knocked over a candle. Wrestlers are clumsy.

He wasn't the wrestler. He was the actor.

Whatever.

Then it's cursed. Just like the old witch said!

It's unlucky! Cursed!

Well, it's bad luck to be superstitious.

Don... If I didn't know you, I might find you witty and

attractive, but since I do, I don't!

There's four of us. I say we get a goodnight's sleep.

Two in the tent, two in Thelma and

we scope it out in the morning.

And what about the motorhome fire? What? We gonna go

down there and make s'mores?

Just let it burn out. I'm sure the fire department is here

and if you still want to leave, you can hitch a ride with them!

If you're afraid, I'll sleep with you.

I sleep with Fritter. Period. And we'll take the tee pee.

So if we don't scare the shit outt'a everybody in this place

We don't get paid right?

I'm not leaving, I need the money.

Maybe ZZ Top has a jack.

No way that poor old bastard has a jack.

Probably lives in a tent.

It's worth checking. We can't leave R.A.

pinned to the ceiling. It's Area 51 down by the river.

Somebody has to ask him.

I have an injured foot.

Ok. Fine. I'll go.

Hey, still got any Flat'A Fix?

I got one can left. Don't use it all. In the bag.

Why do they take my shit? I don't get get this crap.

Why the fuck am I even here?

Now this, is a motorhome.

Never gonna do this shit again. This is bullshit.

Can't believe this, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Fucking Icons, mother fuckers.

You don't mind, do you?

How's anybody huff this shit it's like glue?

It IS glue!

Don't be a hater.

And Bingo was his name-o. Damn.

Don?

Woah. Woah. Don't shoort It's me. Malcolm.

Fuck, Don? You wasted the dog and the mountain dude?

Mountain dude was dead when I got here. Dog attacked me.

Had to shoot him. He jumped out at me.

I've never seen a dead person before.

I have.

Can I ask you a question?

You just did.

Why don't like me?

You try too hard, Malcolm. You don't fit in, nobody likes you.

People like me.

Really? We're playing catch while R.A.'s inside

rotting on a stick?

If we wanna get outta here we need to get the glue to

spread all the way around the rim.

God, you're a lot of help.

That's bullshit.

Bullshit is it?

Yeah, it's bullshit!

Yeah, you got a better idea?

Yea, I do have a better idea.

And there it is.

Shit. Look out!

Trying to fucking kill us?

Yeah!

That was Soggy. Sorry man.

Randy. It was Randy.

Get in the lake and get it. It's the spare, we need it.

You go get it.

I'm not gonna go get it.

Go get it.

Don my foot!

You're the pecker-neck. You go get the fucking tire!

Alright! Alright!

You never killed anybody in a movie.

I killed thirty four people last movie.

I'm not a pecker-neck!

That was your fucking fault. Man, you're the one that

fucking rolled it.

Yeah. My idea.

I was number two, too. Fuck you twice.

So what I was in a fucking movie thirty years ago

about a fucking killer car! Fuck you! I'm never gonna work again!

Well you were number two, too, too.

What the hell does that even mean?

Yeah, well you were wearing the tutu.

For the love of God.

Fucking snakes on a boat.

Good... And... Right there.

It's stuck.

On what?

Metal? Wood?Bone?

Come on you little fucker.

Just a second.

Bill. Where's your coin?

Tossed it in the swamp.

Yes! That's how, Don.

Randy. Why don't you and Trixie go see what

happened to Malcolm?

That's a good idea. Trix. Come on let's go find Malcolm.

What are you gonna do?

Let's just go.

Stay, Fritter.

Hey Kane! If you can't pull it out you're gonna have to

pull the metal around.

I don't want to hurt Thelma any more than I have to.

Fuck Thelma. We gotta get R.A. off the ceiling.

Maybe they'll like me now. Hehe. I did it.

Sorry R.A.

Fuck.

You did a good job, Bill.

No I didn't.

Malcolm?!

Malcolm? You out there, buddy?

Malcolm!

Alright. Push me off. And you stay here.

The fuck I will.

Damn how we supposed to get him down, he's too heavy!

We gotta lay him down. Pull him out by his arms.

On three. One...

Push us off then.

All right baby?

Agahhhh!

It's okay. It's okay. It's dead!

Randy! Randy!

Hey. Alright? Sorry

I told you the fucker was heavy. Jesus!

A little help, please? Guys. Help me!

Come on get him out. He's getting smothered. come on!

Malcolm?!

I don't see him.

One, two, three.

Man...

Grab the boat. We'll tow it in behind us.

Just hold on to the fucking boat.

Randy, you're scaring me. Malcolm! Malcom!

You gonna talk over him?

We didn't bury him.

Well, It looked like you were gonna say something. So either

say it or cover him the fuck up.

Poor R.A.

Why are we wasting our time with Thelma?

There's a great R.V. just down the road.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well... The old fuckers dead. He died of a heart attack

or AIDS or some damn thing. And I had to shoot mini Kujo.

So let's take his R.V...

So because he's dead, we can just take his R.V.?

He sure as fuck isn't gonna use it.

Hey, Where's Malcolm?

Found a boat, his hat, spare tire but no Malcolm.

The hell did you get us into anyway Kane?

Got you into a thousand bucks, That's what.

Got us into a cluster fuck.

Take needle dick here down to the old fucker's R.V. and bring

it up here. At least all of us can sleep inside tonight.

Come on bounce-boy.

You old fuckers are funny.

I gotta go check my messages.

Not here, there's no service.

Well what about up the hill? By the gate?

I don't know. But I can't let you go up there alone...

I'll stay here and guard the body.

Guess that means you're coming with.

Okay

Fuckin', Randy.

Where did everybody go?

Soggy? Randy? Don?

This is freaking me out, Kane.

What the fuck was that?

Can... Cand... It's me! It's me!

Shit...

What happened?

Randy... Candle...

Randy? Where is Randy?

Dead.

What?!

Whadd'ya mean, dead?

What the fuck do you think I mean? Dead.

He burnt up like a marshmallow in a fuckin' pellet stove.

The motorhome.

Fuck... see?

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Whaddya mean you're getting the hell outta here?

You know, what do you think I mean?

I sure the hell don't mean I'm going down there to open

a donut shop by the fucking lake!

You are over reacting.

Really? R.A. is dead. Malcolm is missing

and Randy just blew up like a water heater in a hot

duplex... and you're in love.

Wait...

You're in love?

Hey, hey hey! Dude get back up here!

I'm not paying you to wander the halls!

Hater.

It's Hodder, fuckhead. This show sucks.

You suck. We're leaving.

You leave... you're not coming back.

That's a chance we'll have to take

Malcolm!

I'll come back if you want me too.

I expected them to go, not you.

If you get it you'd be with the touring company. Ballet?

Yeah. The Eugene. Thirty-seven weeks.

I won't get it.

You'll get it. You're great.

Thank you.

I'll meet you at the river road lot in an hour

I'm gonna go gas up Thelma.

I love me some Colonel.

How come Soggy carries around that flask of Tequila

and he won't drink it?

Why don't you ask...

Take the picture, Malcolm! It's shittin' hot out here!

Come on, Quilt. Make with the face.

C'mon man, take a picture, let's do it.

Come on, do the face.

Why didn't you get one inside?

Do the face... do the face!

Why didn't you get it inside!?

They charge in there, dude. It's too much.

Ready?

No dude. It's Gotta be blue.

What was it like in seven when you hung that dude

with the razor wire?

That was so radical.

You ate his heart with a plastic spork.

It wasn't razor wire. It was rubber bands tied

to a silver string.

Like this.

I got it.

Is this the part where you fill up at some

remote gas station and meet the stringy haired Hag

who feeds you to her emotionally disturbed daughter?

Does this look like a remote gas station to you?

Oooohhhh...

It must be so cool being you guys.

You got the best job in the fucking world!

It's mine. I mean, it's real.

It suits you.

What's your name?

People call me, Chunks.

I don't mind. I like being chunky.

Bony women look like shit on a stick.

It'sgotta be blue so it can be authenticated.

Thank you Colonel Wilson.

I'm going to do something I don't normally do. Chunks.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I'm not doing a movie.

And this beauty here is both my ride and my humble abode.

Best fucking job in the world.

Tell'em any different and I'll hang you on razor wire

and eat your heart with a plastic spork.

I think Thelma's beautiful.

Paid cash for her thirty years ago when I had

cash to pay. Broke at the moment.

But as of about a minute ago, I suddenly feel optimistic.

But you're a movie star.

Welcome to the lifestyles of the broke and famous.

How many pictures you sell today?

Signatures.

How many signatures did he sell, you mean.

The sale of a signature is a non...

non-taxable event. I know. I know!

How many Soggy?

Counting the one I didn't sell to the CGI prick shit kid,

Two.

I don't have any pictures for sale.

I sell signatures. The sale of a signature...

For fuck's sake. How many pictures did you sell?

Today?

Jesus. What did he do last night?

He had a show last night. He's tired. You know that.

I smell asshole.

How ya doing, Soggy?

It lives.

Haha. Never heard that one before.

R.A. won't tell us how many signatures he's sold

so I can finish my sales pitch.

The sale of an autograph is a nontaxable event.

How many non-taxable signatures did you sell, Randy?

Didn't sell a one.

How many you sell, K?

Two. People want Richard.

May God rest his soul.

May God rest his soul.

So I have a woman that will give us a grand each

for the weekend, as ourselves, and between us horror icons

we've sold... and if you say the thing about the sale of a

signature being a non-taxable event...

I'll stomp a mud hole in your ass!

I sold one today... At a discount.

Yes! Thank you. So. Between us four horror icons

we sold 5 signatures in 3 hours for a grand total of $100,

minus R.A.'s discount,

and you guys are thumbing your nose at a grand a piece,

to haunt some shitty trailer park for the weekend!?

The crowd could pick up tomorrow.

Today is Friday the thirteenth.

We are the biggest stars in the biggest horror films

in the history of horror films,

and we can't give our pictures away!

It's a shit day, R.A.!

If Friday the 13th is shit then Saturday the 14th will be

even shittier!

Wake up and smell the AARP card!

Hello?

Don't shoot.

I'm unarmed.

I'm just fuckin' with ya.

Hope we didn't disturb you too bad with our shenanigans.

Slept through it.

Don't want to bring the police in if I don't have to

but if any of you know anything about hte RV that went up

like a Roman Candle in Area 51 last night

Is that what that was?

We thought Al Quaeda blew something up.

Al Quaeda? No. Wasn't them.

I wish. But, no.

It was propane. Candles.

They don't usually mix.

I guess them two fellas

ain't gonna be answering any questions either.

We like horror movies.

Don't worry Mr. Hodder.

I'm not gonna look under your tarp here.

I'm just trying to cause...

as little trouble for Agness as I can.

She's had a rough time of it.

Just need to put in my report that I asked.

Personally...

I could give a shit!

Who the fuck was that?

That dude is creepy. I still say we get out of here.

Hey...

Kane's Agness will pay us the 5 Grand.

She doesn't know it's just the four of us.

You can not be serious.

That's twelve fifty each.

Promise we get out of here first thing in the morning?

Yeah.

If we survive the night.

Not fucking funny!

God these fucking bugs!

Hey! Good morning.

Morning.

Don. Give that to Trixie.

How the hell did ya'll sleep through that last night?

Busy night of haunting and scaring.

Where's my sweet little Malcolm?

Malcolm.

He's out on a power walk.

He's trying to lose a few pounds.

He'll be back shortly.

Still the same deal. Five of us.

Five scary icons.

Don... You still up for fishing?

You bet.

Put those on. Follow me.

What?

We can't scare anybody til it gets dark, right?

Coming Dee Dee!

What a slut.

Yeah. He always was.

Shit.

Fish much?

I used to fish with my dad...

That's a lie. I've never fished.

Shows.

Where you going?

Gonna call Chunks. Tell her we're coming in early

see if she can meet me.

Chunks?

I like it. Hope we get to meet her.

I got one!

Cool. Cool!

Don't lose it.

Know what? It's stuck.

I'll go out and get it.

I know it's been a shit weekend but this place isn't haunted.

We're the most dangerous things out here.

No witches, psychopaths, serial killers.

Just shit timing, that's all.

I hope you're right, K.

I wouldn't light a match in there if I were you.

Seriously?

You know, I think you're right.

I think I found it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's under a log, I think.

Man!

What?

It's slimy.

What letter am I?

You suck.

How big are these fucking cat fish?

Cuz this thing is huge.

My daddy pulled a hundred and twenty pounder out of there once

Do they go dormant?

Like a fainting goat or something?

Cuz this thing ain't moving.

Fuck! Goddamn!

Hey, check it out. What the hell was that?

Hey. This is cool.

Hey Kane... I am the devil.

I'm here to do the devil's shit.

Goddamn!

Come on moron. Let's go.

It's coming from here.

-Motherfucker... -Jesus! God...

What the hell was that all about?

Recognize the shirt?

You stop right there. Don't you say shit!

About this being a another accident.

You wake up and smell the corpse, okay?

There is no way that this many accidents happen in the

same day!

They do around here.

It is freaky, K.

No it's not freaky. This is a fucking hot mess and it's

scaring me to death.

Which would, theoretically, be an accdent.

Fuck...

Man.

Still think I'm over reacting?

I'm just saying...

What the fuck did that?

What are you, like their den mother or something?

It's red ants... They love peanut butter, they live

for that stuff. And what the hell happened to R.A.?

Accident.

You know what, screw this. I'm running the lake.

Ya'll know this place is cursed, right?

People die here. Hard.

I gotta go. My momma doesn't like me out here too late.

Worries... Ya'all have a good night...

Roxanne. Roxanne.

Roxanne. Roxanne.

I saw you dance, ballet, Swan Lake, New Orleans, I was six

you were truly elegant, royal, weightless, only the best

dancers get that part right. You were inspiring...

Trixie starts crying, hyperventilating...

You're too old to dance. But you really were...

the best I ever saw. It'll just be a minute...

the best I ever saw. It'll just be a minute...

Thank you.

I, for one, could use a grand.

Yeah no shit. So could I. What's up?

Kane has a gal who'll pay us a thousand dollars each

to haunt her haunted trailer park this weekend.

I had a total of four people at my show. Two I lost

at undead, you, some guy in a hoodie jerking off under

his motorcyle jacket.

You were legendary my dear. Legendary...

You know how many trailer parks there are in this country?

No.

Fourteen thousand three hundred and seventy eight.

Approximately. It's a new revenue stream, it's a new

business. I've even got the domain name...

HauntYourTrailerPark.com

That's genius. How ever did you come up with that?

Right? HauntYourTrailerPark.com

Will be huge. It's new, it's fresh, people will dig it.

CGI man, cannot haunt a trailer park.

Wait a minute. Did you say dig it? Man your old...

Come on. It's a thousand bucks each for 2 days,

guaranteed. We'll be lucky to make a $100 bucks in this

shithole. What've we got to lose?

Kane Hodder...

I'm in. Ditto.

Count me in.

Contracts can go pound sand. I'm in.

I swear, if one more gentile asks me why I didn't

jump on the hood of that fucking car, I will, I will chase them

down and cut them half, myself!

Where we going?

Where no horror icon has gone before...

How come you never take those Raybans off?

You writing a fucking book? Jesus. Whose the clown?

Colonel Wilson. My idea. Like him?

No...

followed by gurgling...

Dammit, momma. Scared the shit out of me...

Did you bring the remedy?

Yeah.

Doesn't take three hours to run the lake...

I'm just saying...

She's just making a point. It really is like she's their

den mother.

I don't want to sound mercenary or anything

but if she has flown the coop that's five

grand and three people.

Dee Dee? It's eight O'clock. Where are you?

Hey there big boy.

Woah.

Sorry I was running late... Wanted to get all

squeaky clean for you.

Go get on that bed.

Yes ma'am.

She'll wander back. Do what you want I'm staying here.

She's not a dog, Soggy. Why don't you make yourself

useful and go haunt somebody?

You know theres no one here to haunt... moron.

The trailers are all filled with mannequins.

You know your Agness is a loony tune.

Not my Agnes.

Wait... Did you hear that?

Yeah, baby, ya, Woo...

Come on big man... Yeah... baby!

That guy could get laid in a convent.

Holy shit, Woop, Come on Fritter.

Hoo, hoo, hooo

Thought you said you were staying.

Hoo, Nah, this haunting is gonna be fun.

You lied to me.

How so?

You said if I ever saw that third "T" you'd have

to kill me. I been staring at it for thirty minutes...

Boo. Heh, heh, heh, heh...

Fuckin' Don.

Try like ten minutes. Don't flatter yourself...

Grrr...

And I never lie. Momma taught me better.

Come on, Teddy.

Okay, Mason... Heh, heh,... Let's get'em now!

My, God...

moaning

Muffled struggle.

Holy shit, man. What the fuck? Did you see that?

Holy Shit man.

Who you calling a liar? Asshole.

She killed him, man. She smothered him with

those big tits.

Fucking thing won't come off. Did you put

glue in my mask?

No. No man, Did you glue my fuckin' gloves?

Fuck no.

Help a brother out here will ya?

Yeah... whole thing. Down the hatch.

Thanks.

Come on, Soggy. Knock it off. It's not funny.

Habenero...

Come on, Soggy.

What the Fuck?

Trixie. Trixie! Come on. Trixie let's go.

Shit!

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. It's me. Kane.

Prove it. Take off your mask.

Fucking thing won't come off. It's glued or something.

That's bullshit.

What did you do to Don?

He's fine. He's kinky. I'm kinky. Worked out fine.

Looked like you killed him.

Wouldn't that be a great way to go.

Here let me help you.

Hey, easy. Fucking hurts.

That's super glue. You can't pull on it, it's gonna

pull your skin right off.

Alright, sit down. You got any gasoline?

I use it as solvent to wash my hands.

Cut right through anything.

Thelma's back bumper.

Okay.

I need you to close your eyes. This may sting a little, okay?

Don't peek.

Fargggg.

It was you. You crazy bitch. You killed'em all.

Don's dead. Just like all the rest of'em. Isn't

that what all you horror guys want?

Everyone to just die?

We're actors you stupid bitch. It's fuckin' movies.

Go ahead. Pull the trigger. You're covered in

gasoline you idiot. You'll lite yourself on fire.

Again. Wouldn't that be fun... Kane.

That's not how it happened.

You'll never do it. The hero never shoots the girl.

I've never been the hero.

Stupid hell-whore.

What did I tell you? What have I always told you?

Leave one. You gotta leave one, baby...

You fucked it up last year, you fucked it up,

when you killed your dad and that shit fiance' yours...

You... ruined our chances of being a Haunted Park

on Facebook...

And now I gotta let him go... I gotta let 'em go...

C'mon... We gotta get you the hell out of here...

When you tell people about this place, I want

you to remember... That Agness showed you a kindness.

I will eat you.

The gasoline likely loosened the glue a little bit...

But the water weakened the skin.

So... Be careful that you don't scratch cause your

skin'll come right off.

Thank you.

No... don't thank me.

Growl noises

Now... you... You get the...

You never let me have any fun.

-He's a peaceful loving man... -He was a peaceful loving...

He makes slurping type noises.

He gurgles.

Told you nobody ever wants to see you again.

A girl's gotta play hard to get.

The late, great Kane Hodder I presume?

I know it's you movie star. Caller ID.

Can't scare me.

Ait or eeeee! Ass asha.

What are you saying.

Ait or eee... a ass ashon!

What does that even mean?

Eat eee... at ass ashon.

Wait for me... gas station?

Eayh.

Wait for you gas station.

Eayhs!

I'm there now.

Really?

You let him go, momma. You always say you can only

let one go.

You get me the hell off this beach, girl.

I hate this beach.

You had a long night, Momma. I just want to make

it up to you.

Remember when daddy used to massage me?

You remember that?

Couple times a week he would massage me.

I know you remember. I saw you see him do that...

I remember. I remember it all, momma.

I remember everything.

You leave my makeup on, girl. I'm a site.

Don't you worry, momma. Just like you always say...

A girl always has a choice. Just some choices

are tougher than others.

Dee Dee...

Don't worry Agness. You'll make a good choice.

You always do.

Dee Dee.

You come on back. Come here baby...

Come back... Come on.

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, welcome to...

These kids creep me out.

Lucky fucker landed right in it. I don't know why we

bother coming back this year.

Well, I heard he died twice on the table.

Michael it's a gimmick. Gimmick. He died

on the table. Who hasn't died on a fucking table?

Which one are you?

Michael Berryman and John Schneider.

Need anything for you and your ghoulfriend Mr. Movie Star?

All good, Johnny. All good.

I like how you always stay in character at these things...

the fans love it!

Everybody's gotta have a gimmick.

Awwwhhh.

Make mine out to Gunner, Mr. Striker. That's me.

Gunner. Please... use mine, it's blue.

Heavy breathing...

Big sister Agness said I could only leave one witness behind.

Never said anything about tossing my collection though.

That bastard Sid, my sweet Malcolm, asshole Carl,

funny Bill, poor Thelma, darling R.A., and movie

star Kane won't be needing this shit anymore.

And hopefully I won't be needing these babies. I'm gonna

sell them on E-bay.