Original subtitles

Would you listen to that?

What?

It's quiet in this house

for the first time in four years.

We can actually get some work done

and not be disturbed.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, cool.

I'm glad I caught you guys while you were taking a break.

Totally awesome news, man.

The Chamber of Commerce is holding a contest

to see who can write the best song about Port Washington.

The winner gets 200 bucks.

And let me guess.

You've written some sort of toneless, mind-numbing drivel.

Totally.

[LAUGHING]

It's called "The Port Washington's Cool Blues."

All right. You ready for this one?

Check it out.

[STRUMMING THE GUITAR]

♪ Port Washington's cool Port Washington's cool

♪ It's got a totally bitchin' hardware store

♪ And all you can eat fish fry for 3.95

♪ But don't eat the halibut

♪ Cause it'll make you blow chunks

♪ And Uncle Frank and Carol live here

♪ That's why Port Washington's cool ♪

[LAUGHING]

So what do you think?

I think I'm getting a headache.

You know what?

I got a totally killer remedy for that.

Check this one out.

It's called the headache blues. You ready?

[STRUMMING THE GUITAR]

♪ I got the blues I got the blues

♪ I got the gee my head is pounding

♪ I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks

♪ And my ears are gonna bleed

♪ And my eyes are gonna pop out of my skull

♪ And my head hurts my head hurts

♪ My head hurts blues ♪

[LAUGHING]

You're feeling better already, aren't you?

[LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost? You wonder

♪ Will there ever be a second time around?

♪ Woah-a, woah-a when the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better To be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, guys.

Hey, Al.

Hey, I'm using that to get rid of the puffiness around my eyes.

Oh, you look fine.

What's that green goo on your face?

It's home-made facial mask made out of avocado.

Avocado?

Mmm, yeah. This is pretty good.

You know, your face makes a great party platter.

Hey, stop eating my face.

I'm trying to get ready for a big college party

Dana's taking me to this weekend.

College party?

That sounds great!

Come on, take me. Please? Please? Please? Please?

This party is only for college students.

And very mature high school seniors like myself.

I can be just as mature as you.

Can not. Can too.

Nuh-huh. Yeah-huh.

Oh, shut up, pee-wee. You shut up, dip-face.

[BOTH BICKERING]

Hello!

Maybe I should go to this party by myself.

This isn't fair!

You know, the three of us have been hanging out a lot lately,

and now that you guys are doing something cool,

you're cutting me out.

Fine. You can come.

Yes! All right! Party! Party!

Hey, but you better not act

like a little 15-year-old teenybopper and embarrass us.

Don't worry.

No one at the party will know I'm 15.

They will too. They will not.

Will too. Will not.

Yes-huh. Nuh-huh.

Oh, shut up. Oh, you shut up.

BOTH: Make me!

BOTH: Jinx!

[BOTH COUNTING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, dad has a big head.

Yeah, and a bunch of stupid hats to cover it up.

Man, you're a genius if you can sell all this stuff.

Oh, just put the boxes anywhere.

Oh, no problem.

We'll go get the rest of the stuff.

Thanks, guys.

Whoa!

What's going on here?

Well, I just got sick of all the clutter

so we're gonna have a yard sale

and get rid of all this useless junk.

Junk?

Oh, no, honey. This isn't junk.

Look, this is a perfectly good moose head.

It has not been perfectly good since it came off the moose.

I bagged this moose myself. You hit it on the interstate.

It was hunting season.

Frank, it is going.

Oh, come on, honey. This is all priceless Americana here.

Like look at this.

This "Beer on Tap" sign.

I mean, this is from the 50s.

Gee, you'd have to go all the way to a bar

to see one of those.

Oh, no, you see, this one's great.

Because, when you turn it on,

the little bear, he takes a drink...

and then he--

He pees in the stream.

Okay. This can go.

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

Are not. Are too.

Yes-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, shut up. You shut up.

Would you two idiots shut up?

Wow. There are a lot of really hot guys here.

Brace yourself, boys.

Karen Foster is in the house.

Yeah, like they couldn't tell from the two gallons

of perfume you've got on.

Where did those come from?

It's a miracle bra. I'll say.

Yup. It works great, doesn't it?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

There will be no miracles today.

But, I thought you wanted me to look like an 18-year-old.

Yeah.

An 18-year-old student.

Not an 18-year-old stripper.

Stripper?

Well, I had no idea they looked that good.

Excuse me, but while you two are gabbing,

some of the best guys are being snapped up.

Now, let's cut the chatter

and see if we can find a few good men.

AL: We have a winner.

[BEEPING]

Ooh, baby, cut me a slice of that.

Forget it, junior. You are way out of your league.

You don't know the first thing about getting a guy like that

to dance with you.

I know as much as you do.

Yeah, right.

Now, watch an expert

and prepare to be amazed.

[EXCLAIMS] Excuse me.

Hi. My name is Karen.

Hi, Karen.

[LAUGHING]

Would you mind moving? You're blocking the punch bowl.

Back so soon?

He's studying to be a priest.

Yeah, right.

I'll show you how to get a guy to dance with you.

Hi. Wanna dance?

Sure.

He dances pretty well for a priest.

What's your name? Al.

I'm Jeremy.

I haven't seen you around campus.

Are you a freshman here?

No. I go to school somewhere else.

In another state.

Where? Canada.

Canada State College?

I'm visiting my cousins.

[EXHALES]

Well, thanks. That was fun.

Yeah. I thought so too.

You know, it's a little hot in here.

Would you like to go for a walk?

I could show you around our campus.

Okay, cool. All right. Come on.

Goodbye, girls.

I'm going on a tour of the campus

with Father Jeremy.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[PLAYING OFF TUNE]

Oh, hey, Carol. Check it out.

I wrote an all-new Port Washington song.

It's even more knarly than the first one.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Oh, wait, come here, come here, come here, you gotta give it a listen.

Come on, you'll love it.

Ready, okay?

♪ Come listen to my story about a town that I love

♪ It's called Port Washington and it fits me like a glove

♪ If you come and visit you can stay right in my van

♪ Parked in the driveway Of the Foster-Lambert clan

♪ 'Cause you know that is... ♪

Frank's kids, Carol's too.

Well, Cody, you know of all songs you've ever written,

that one has the most, um, words.

[LAUGHS]

Y'all come back now, hear?

[LAUGHS] She loved it.

Sold anything yet? Nope. Not yet, honey.

$50?

Who's gonna buy a moose head for $50?

Animal lovers.

You know, Frank, we have been married for four years now

and I've been meaning to tell you this for some time.

What's that? You are a raving lunatic.

Well, I just say, people will recognize quality

when they see it.

Here comes a live one. Just stand there and watch.

Well, hey, buddy. I see you really know your stuff.

You went right to the man's lamp there, didn't you?

Solid brassy base,

all new wiring, energy saver three-way bulb.

How much?

Well, I'll let you have that baby for $15.

I'll give you a quarter.

The bulb costs more than a quarter.

Hey, I'm hauling away your garbage. You should pay me.

How much to haul away that moose?

Quarter.

If you throw in the lamp.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Frank, Frank.

Could I see you over at the Sporting goods department

for a minute, please?

The nerve of that guy!

He's offering you good money to haul away your trash.

Don't let him get away!

Carol, I'm not gonna give away this stuff for free.

I had to throw a frozen turkey 20 yards to win that lamp.

You just leave it to me. Okay?

Listen, Pal, sorry we kinda got off

on the wrong foot here.

I can see you're no dummy.

You went to the crown jewel of the whole sale here.

Man, this bad boy's a classic, isn't it?

Stainless steel blades, vulcanized rubber grips,

made right here in the good old US of A.

How much?

I'll let you have it for 20 bucks.

I'll give you a quarter.

You're starting to get on my nerves.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

Grazie, Antonio.

Arrivederci. Arrivederci.

[CHUCKLING]

He did not speak a word of English.

I like that in a man.

This party stinks.

I never should've let you drag me along.

Karen. What is your problem?

Twelve guys have asked you to dance

and one guy asked you to marry him.

Yeah. But, Al got the one I wanted.

Jeremy should be giving me a tour of the campus right now.

Karen, let it go.

You lost one guy in 18 years.

You see, that's how it starts.

First you lose one guy,

next thing you know, you're Zsa Zsa Gabor

slapping around a policeman just to get some attention.

Excuse me. Would you mind moving?

You're blocking the punch bowl.

See what I mean? Zsa Zsa.

-Hey, Doug. -Hey, where's Jeremy?

I thought he was going to the game with us.

Not likely.

He's giving some girl one of his infamous campus tours.

You know, the ones that always end up in room 302?

Or as he likes to call it, "The Petting Zoo."

Man, how does he do it?

He's got it down to a science.

He puts on his Luther Vandross CD,

he sits next to her on the bed and he says,

"I can't believe I just met you.

"You're so easy to talk to.

"I feel like I've known you for months."

DOUG: And that works?

Are you kidding me?

He's been to the Promise Land more times than Moses.

I can't believe I left my jacket here.

Come on in.

Cool room, Jeremy.

Thanks.

You know, we don't have to rush back to the party.

Why don't we just hang around here and relax?

Okay. Have a seat.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, I just got a new CD.

Do you like Luther Vandross?

Yeah. He's great.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, I can't believe I just met you.

You're so easy to talk to.

I feel like I've known you for months.

Thanks.

Your eyes.

They have the most incredible color.

Really?

Yeah, they have just the smallest amount of gold fleck in it.

Thanks.

Yours are kind of nice, too.

Look.

Can we just slow down?

Sure. No problem.

No.

I want to stop.

We're having a great time!

No! Just stop it!

Come on, don't get all freaked out.

Just let me go!

It's okay. Just let me go!

Freeze, slime ball!

Get out of my room!

She's our sister. So what?

She's 15.

I'm out of here.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Al, are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm okay.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

You know...

I don't get it.

I thought he was a really nice guy.

And...

I thought we were just gonna kiss.

And the next thing I know...

he's trying to make me lie down on the bed.

Well, Al, you kind of put yourself

in a bad position.

I mean, you're alone in the guy's room

and no one else is around.

Karen.

We're supposed to be making her feel better, not worse.

She's right.

I was really stupid.

No, Al. This is not your fault.

I mean, this guy is like a professional.

And from what we heard, you're not the first girl he brought up here.

Well, thanks, that makes me feel real special.

Al.

This is why I wasn't sure you should come

to a college party in the first place.

I mean, I don't know that you're ready

to handle guys this age.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess I'm not as grown up as I thought I was.

Look.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Well, you know,

that's what sisters are for, right?

What are you doing?

One of my favorite things.

It's called revenge.

Hey, any of you guys down there like Luther Vandross?

MAN: I do!

Here he comes!

You know...

He might need something to play that on.

All right. Heads up.

All right!

That felt good.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yeah, come on, now.

25 bucks is a great price for a talking scale.

Hey, this is a great anniversary gift.

Women love to hear what they weigh first thing in the morning.

[SIGHS]

What a jerk.

That guy doesn't know a real bargain when he sees one.

Frank? Yeah.

It's almost 5 o'clock.

All we have sold is a partial deck of cards

and a back-scratcher for a nickel.

If you count the pizza we had for lunch,

we're $7.95 in the hole.

Hey.

That guy's back. That cigar guy from this morning?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Just like I planned.

Let me tell you, this works. You just sit there and watch me sell.

[MAN SIGHS]

I see you haven't sold the lamp yet.

In fact, you haven't sold anything.

How much for me to buy the whole shebang?

Well...

this is your lucky day.

Because I'm gonna let you have everything here

for 50 bucks.

I'll give you a quarter.

Sold!

Will you take a check?