Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Dad. Is dinner ready?

Uh, yeah it is, would you tell the other kids, please?

JT: Sure.

[SCREAMING] Hey everybody, dinner's ready!

BRENDAN: [SCREAMING] Yeah, get your butts down here!

I meant for you to go upstairs and tell them.

Why? They can hear me from here.

Sorry, things really got backed up in the beauty salon.

Well, Frank, thank you for making dinner.

Anytime. Oh.

[COUGHING]

JT, you better find out what everybody wants to drink.

[SCREAMING] Hey everybody, what do you guys want to drink?

AL: [SCREAMING] Ginger ale!

JT: Ice?

AL: No! Diet pop!

Ice? KAREN: Yes.

JT: Lemon? AL: No, just ice!

JT. One second, Dad.

[SCREAMING UPSTAIRS] Dana, Mark, what do you want to drink?

DANA: Milk! MARK: Water!

JT: What? [SCREAMS] JT!

Dad, I'm right here. You don't have to scream.

Oh, all right, I'm so tired of this.

All you guys ever do around here is scream.

Yeah, I haven't heard this much screaming

since JT walked in on grandma in the shower.

Please, I don't like reliving that.

Okay. New rule.

From now on there is no screaming in this house. Got it?

Sure, Dad. Got it, Dad.

Good.

AL: [SCREAMING] Hey, forget the ginger ale! I want root beer!

[SCREAMING] Shut up, Al! Didn't you just hear Dad?

We're not allowed to scream anymore!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're Putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, Day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by Step, Day by day

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Hey, uh, Carol. CAROL: Uh-huh?

Can I ask you a question?

Huh, hey dig it.

Uh, is baloney still good, if it's like green and fuzzy?

No.

Dude, I'm gonna pay for that later.

[MAKES KARATE CHOP NOISE]

Hey, Mark, are you taking Karate,

or did you get some of that bad baloney, too?

I signed up at the recreation center for Karate lessons.

Karate? Mark, that sounds kind of dangerous.

Wouldn't you like to take something safer like... Ceramics?

Mom, I think I've already taken enough activities

that require me to wear an apron.

The kids at school are calling me, "Nerd Boy-ar-dee".

It's true, Carol.

Mark doesn't get any respect.

Last week he was the victim of a drive by wedgie.

Well, I know you want to prove yourself,

but Karate just sounds so violent to me.

I really don't want you to do it.

Oh, Carol, just chill.

You know, I mean hey, Karate's not really violent.

The dude who taught me said

that Karate was about self defense and confidence.

Yeah please, Mom, there's a Karate tournament next month

and I want to enter it,

so I can get some respect from the kids at school.

Well... Okay, Mark,

but I am coming with you to tell the instructor

that my little baby bruises very easily.

Yeah, Carol, why don't you let the boy grow some hair, you know what I mean?

Hey. Oh, girls.

Hey, you're just in time to see the new intercom work.

Now you'll be able to speak to anyone

in the house without screaming.

JT, go upstairs, let's test it.

All right.

[SARCASTIC] Oh, joy. Another way for me to talk to JT.

What a helpful link on the information super highway.

Well, I like intercoms.

It's something else for me to talk into, like the phone, or my mirror.

Okay.

Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]

[ENGAGES BUTTON] JT. Test, one, two, three. Do you read me?

JT: [SCREAMING] Loud and clear dad. This thing works great.

FRANK: [SCREAMING] Use the intercom, stupid!

[CHUCKLES]

JT: [THROUGH INTERCOM] Sorry, Dad.

No problem.

Frank, what are all those buttons for?

You know, I'm glad you asked.

Because this is not just an intercom.

This is a music system for the entire house, look.

[PRESSES BUTTON]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Boy. Country music. Yee-haw.

[RADIO STATIC BUZZES]

There's probably just a few bugs left in it here.

[POLICE DISPATCHER] Attention all units, attention all units!

Burglary in progress at Eighth and Main. Any unit in the vicinity...

Hey, Frank. It picks up police calls.

That oughta make it much easier to keep track of your kids. [CHUCKLES]

JT: [OVER INTERCOM] Has anybody seen my sunglasses?

AL: [OVER INTERCOM] Yeah, you left them in the bathroom.

JT: You sure?

AL: Yeah, go look.

Oh, man, those voices are back.

At least this time they're in English. [CHUCKLES]

Hi, Cody.

What's the matter, little dude?

I just got kicked out of Karate class for not being tough enough.

Well it's not your fault, Mark. That coach was a jerk.

He was one of those muscle-bound morons

that keeps encouraging the other kids to knock each other's heads off.

I'm glad you're not going back.

Well, that's easy for you to say, Mom.

But for me, this is just one more humiliating event in my pathetic little life.

Now I'm never going to be able to prove I'm a man.

Well sweetie, you will just always be my little man.

Hey yeah, Carol, why don't you let me handle this?

[CHUCKLES]

All right Mark, I'll fix your bubble bath for you.

You always like that, don't you.

[SCOFFS] Dude.

Tell me about it.

If it was up to her, I'd still be wearing that little sailor outfit.

I hear ya, little cuz, you know, my Mother didn't understand me either.

Neither did my Dad...

Or any of my teachers.

Matter of fact, my dog used to just stare at me and just shake his head.

Well at least you were a tough guy, so nobody picked on you.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I wish. Oh, man.

Hey, when I started Karate,

I was nothing but a skinny sack of bones just like you. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry, dude.

Cody, I didn't want to impose on you before,

but I'm desperate now.

You're a black belt. Do you think you could teach me Karate?

You bet, little cuz.

But I gotta warn you, it's gonna be a lot of work.

I'm gonna to work you night and day to get you ready for that tournament.

Are you with me? I'm with you.

I can't hear you!

[LOUDER] I'm with you. I still can't hear you!

[EVEN LOUDER] I'm with you!

Let me see your war face!

[YELLS] Hi-yah!

[GROANS]

Dude! Dude, dude...

I think I just pulled a groin muscle.

[ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELLS]

Yeah, right.

We're ready, Cody.

[YELLS]

Whoa, that was great!

Was that a professional Karate yell?

[SARCASTICALLY] No, there's this big honking spider in my van.

Okay, Mark, first exercise we're going to do is the hand slap game.

Al, come here. Put your hands out palm up.

Now, Mark, put your hands on top of hers.

CODY: Now, the object of the game is to move your hands out of the way

before Al can slap 'em.

Piece of cake.

[WHINING]

I wasn't ready yet.

You ready now?

Yes.

[WHINES]

[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, Mark, dig it man.

There is a myriad of sounds

that you can make in Karate,

but "ow" is not one of them. Okay, dude?

No problem. I was just getting warmed up.

CODY: Yeah.

Okay, Al, hit me with your best shot.

CODY: Okay, Al... MARK: Stop!

Okay, all right.

[CHUCKLES] Cool.

Well at least now we know, Mark can take a beating. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, we'll do a different exercise.

What's the point, Cody?

I'm never going to learn Karate.

Oh, buck up, little cuz. You know.

Hey, like they say in Alaska, you know,

"Nome wasn't built in a day."

It's no use. I can't do it. I'm a loser.

You know I hate to do this...

But I got no choice.

["ROCKY" THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Theme from Rocky. Works every time.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Frank, I can't stand this.

All these people here are going to see my kid get beaten to a pulp.

FRANK: No, no, honey, they're not here to see that.

They're here to see their own kids get beaten to a pulp.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, let's get some good seats. Come on.

All right everybody, take your seats, please.

Welcome to the Port Washington Karate Association Tournament.

[APPLAUDING]

Each match will be scored on a point system.

The first one to reach three points is the winner.

Okay, the first match is between, Tommy Delaney...

[APPLAUDING]

Whoa, this guy looks like a killer.

REFEREE: ...and Mark Foster.

I'm out of here.

Hey, Mark...

Now listen, dude, you came here to get respect,

well it's waiting right over there.

Go out there and do it.

Oh, no, it's that Karate coach that threw me out of his class.

Well, well, well, look who's here, wimp boy.

Take him out quick and hard.

CODY: Hey, c'mon Mark.

You know what, my guess, he's fighting a major bout of irregularity.

REFEREE: Gentleman, bow to me.

Bow to each other.

Ready, fighting position!

[BOTH YELL] REFEREE: Fight!

[ALL CHEERING]

REFEREE: Point, Delaney.

Yeah, way to go Tommy.

It's alright little cuz man. It's just one point, all right?

REFEREE: Delaney one, Foster zero.

Ready, fighting position.

[BOTH YELL] Fight!

[ALL CHEERING]

Point, Delaney.

Hey, Mark, dude, I got great news.

There's a doctor in the front row?

No better. Check it out.

I noticed that every time that Delaney kid throws a side kick at you,

he leaves himself wide open for a front vault kick.

Really? Totally.

That's great! Yeah...

You go in there and kick him.

Now, Mark, don't you make me break out that Rockytape again... C'mon.

Come on, Tommy boy. One more point.

We'll send Blondie here back to ballet school.

Frank, make them stop.

Oh, Carol, I'm not going to go out and embarrass Mark.

Well, I just hate this, it's way too violent.

He's gonna be fine.

Fighting position.

[BOTH YELL] Fight!

[SHOUTS] Yes! Yes! Yes! That's it, Mark!

Kick his butt! Show no mercy!

Uh, she just gave up smoking.

Way to go, cuz.

I got him. I really got him.

Yeah, you did. Okay now listen.

This time I want you to do the same thing, use the front leg.

All right. Okay. Go for it.

Take him out, Tommy. Because if you don't, you're going to answer to me.

REFEREE: Delaney two, Foster one.

Ready. Fighting positions.

[BOTH YELL] Fight!

[ALL CHEERING]

REFEREE: This side, point, Foster.

CODY: All right.

Dude, one more point and you got the match, all right?

[EXCITED] I know. I want it so bad I can taste it.

Okay, now listen. Remember what I taught you, man.

Okay, Karate is not just with the hands and feet.

It comes from right here and from right here, all right?

Go out there and do it.

CODY: Don't forget to breathe.

Delaney two, Foster two.

Next point wins, gentlemen. Ready, fighting position.

[BOTH YELL] Fight!

Point, match to Delaney.

Yeah! Way to kick butt! Yeah!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You were great, Mark.

Yeah Mark, we're really proud of you.

Well listen, I just want to go home.

I'll meet you guys in the car.

FRANK AND CAROL: Sure.

Shake it off, bro!

I'm sorry, Cody. For what?

For letting you down. For being a loser.

Hey, man, you are no loser.

Look, a month ago you were nothing but target practice for Al.

Well, you came out here today and made

that tough dude over there go the distance with you.

You came here to get respect and you got it.

I guarantee you nobody's going to be jerking your jockeys again.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Cody. Yeah, come here man.

Aw, isn't that sweet?

Giving your student a big hug.

What are you going to do later, burp him?

Hey, come on, Mark. Man, you ain't gotta listen to this jive.

This guy's a punk.

COACH: Bye, girls.

Best thing to do in a situation like this, just ignore him.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. COACH: Oh, yeah?

Ignore this.

Second best thing to do in a situation like this,

you kick the dude's butt real good, okay? [CHUCKLES]

All right, it's you and me, cowpie.

Hey, Ref, dig it.

There's going to be a little brief exhibition match

between myself and this...

This [SARCASTICALLY] coach.

[CHUCKLES]

Bring it on, pal. CODY: Right on.

Gentlemen, bow to me.

Bow to each other.

Oh, so that's how it's going to be, huh?

[CHUCKLES] All right.

[GROANS]

REFEREE: This side, point, Lambert.

Yeah! [ALL APPLAUDING]

Yeah, lucky point. Try it again.

Don't mind if I do.

[GROANS]

REFEREE: This side, point, Lambert.

[ALL CHEERING]

[COACH GROANS]

REFEREE: This side, point--

[GROANING]

REFEREE: That's three points. Lambert wins.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's not fair.

I was just getting warmed up.

Well, that's cool, man.

I mean, we can do best out of four or six, huh, or even ten.

Man, I like throwing you around. [LAUGHING]

Yeah, me too.

Want a piece of me, huh, cowpie?

[YELLS]

Mark, listen, Mark, you cut it out, okay.

MARK: You're on my list, pal.

I'm your worst nightmare!

[YELLS]

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS ON INTERCOM]

[PANTING] What is that?

Is that the intercom?

[SARCASTICALLY] No, Frank, there's a Mexican wedding in our living room.

Would you turn it off? Yes, yes, okay, okay.

JT: Dad, shut that thing off! I'm trying to sleep!

I'm trying!

TRUCKER: Breaker, breaker.

This is Rolling Thunder up on Highway 81.

Anybody got their ears on?

Frank! Uh, I'm trying, honey.

I'm trying.

AL: Will you shut that thing off?

It's a piece of junk! [RADIO STATIC BUZZES]

[INTERCOM CHANNEL CHANGES AGAIN]

[RAP PLAYING LOUDLY]

Frank, would you stop that thing?

[OVER INTERCOM] ♪ Real proper like

♪ Like you know What I'm saying?

♪ I meant what I said

♪ So I smacked him in the head

♪ Yeah, he don't talk back

♪ Yeah, he don't talk back

♪ Yeah--[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC STARTS AGAIN] ♪ He don't talk back ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[PANTING]

All right. It's finally quiet.

JT: [SCREAMING] I think you got it, Dad!

AL: Yeah! Good work! Good night, Dad!

MARK: [SCREAMING] Yeah! Good night, Mom, good night, Frank!

[SCREAMS] Good night, kids!

[ALL SCREAMING] KAREN: Good night, Brendan!

BRENDAN: Good night, Karen!

CODY: Goodnight, Mary Ellen,

goodnight, Grandma,

goodnight, John Boy!