Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, honey, honey, look at this.

For only $8.95 a month, we can join the Wild Game Meat of the Month Club.

Wild Game? You mean like deer and buffalo?

No, no, not just that.

Listen, we can get moose, rabbit, bear, badger, otter and beaver.

Frank, I am not eating anything that builds a dam.

All right, but when you see how juicy my badger burgers are,

I'm not sharing.

Hey, guys. Hi, Mark. How was school?

Unchallenging as usual.

You know what? I'm going to talk to the principal

and see if he can't stiffen up the curriculum.

Well, that's fine, Mark, but I wouldn't mention this to your other classmates.

Hey, Mom, can we talk about my birthday party?

Oh, don't worry about it, honey. I've got it all figured out.

I've hired this guy who's going to dress up like a pirate.

Doesn't that sound like fun, honey?

Mom, I'm turning thirteen.

I think the ship has sailed on the pirate thing.

I mean, face it, I'm becoming a man.

Well, all right, Mark, what kind of party do you want?

A boy-girl party.

With girls.

Lots of girls.

Yeah, he's thirteen.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream, wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be a second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step Day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ And we'll be better The second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step Day by day

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[TV PLAYING]

Hi, Cody. Whoa, hey.

The Kare bear and the Dana burger,

home from their big day at the Halls of Learning, huh?

Hey, the Codeman,

sitting in front of the TV like a big, giant sloth.

Yeah, buddy.

Hey, what were you watching?

Oh, man, Oprah's doing a big special

on the "Adult Children of Sumo Wrestlers."

Yeah, man, I thought my parents messed me up.

Hey, guys, guess what?

I got my first "A" in high school today.

All right, way to go, Jackson.

What'd you get the "A" in, JT?

Auto shop.

"Auto shop?"

[SMIRKING]

No, Auto Shop is not a class.

It's a holding cell for criminals until they get out of high school.

No, you're wrong, Dana.

Auto shop's a lot tougher than you think.

Hey, you gotta learn a lot of really complicated stuff,

like engineering, physics,

how to eat lunch when your hands are, like, really dirty.

Yeah. And for your information,

I had to take a very difficult final exam.

Yeah, right. What did that consist of,

exposing your butt crack while you checked the oil?

No.

I had to change the oil, change a tire, and do a complete tune up.

I'd like to see you do that.

If you can do it, I can do it.

Why would you want to do it?

That's why God invented men,

to fix cars and kill spiders.

I'm not talking about men, I'm talking about JT.

If he can fix a car, then anybody can.

Oh, really?

Would you like to make a bet about that?

Sure. What's the bet?

Okay.

You have to do my final exam for auto shop.

If you pass, I have to do your chores for a month.

If you fail, you have to do mine.

You're on.

Boy, this would make a great game show.

Automotive Battle of the Step Siblings.

JT and the Dana burger, come on down.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

FRANK: Yeah, it's me, Mark. I need some nail clippers.

Come on in.

Won't bother you but a minute.

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, getting ready for my party.

Showering, taking a shave.

A shave?

Really?

How long have you been shaving, Mark?

Actually, Frank, this is my maiden voyage.

I figured since I'm turning thirteen, you know,

and becoming a man, I probably needed one.

Well, let me take a look here.

Whoa.

You definitely have some manly stubble coming in there.

You know, since this is your first time,

and a very important moment in a man's life, maybe I should help, huh?

You lather up

and I'll go get a special razor that my dad taught me how to shave with.

Gee, thanks, Frank.

No problem.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm shaving.

Shaving what?

My face.

Oh, yeah, well, I guess that makes sense.

I see you've already done your legs.

Yeah, hey, whoa, hey, ho, buddy!

Hey, that's enough.

You're just going to shave, not foam down a runway, okay?

That's about enough right there, okay?

Now, I want you to just spread that all over your face there.

Like this? Yeah.

Yeah, nice, smooth. Both sides.

That's looking good.

Okay, now and then we need a little right

there.

Okay, now,

here's the razor.

Be very careful.

Nice, even strokes.

Straight down, never sideways.

Hey, Frank, I'm really shaving.

Just like I learned to years ago.

Oh, my God, Mark, what are you doing?

Man stuff, Mom.

Chicks. You gotta explain everything to them.

Okay, oh, that's looking good.

Okay, turn around here. Turn around.

Let me clean you off a little.

Let me see how you did.

Ah, smooth as a baby's butt.

You did a great job.

Thanks, Frank.

Frank, I really appreciate you helping Mark out,

but he could have cut himself.

Not without a blade in the razor.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, you pubescent party animals, dinner is served.

Tonight, we're featuring pepperoni pizza.

And, uh, for those of you vegetarians,

I've picked the pepperonis off this one.

All right.

Cody? Yo.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, little birthday dude. What's up?

You see that pretty girl over there?

Righteous little mini babe, huh?

Devil with the blue dress on.

My sentiments exactly.

Her name is Marissa and I really want to dance with her

but I don't know what to say.

Oh, wow, all right.

Let me think about this for a minute.

I got it! Okay, all right.

All right, check this out.

You just walk up to her and you say,

"Marissa, would you like to dance?"

Yeah, that'll work really good.

Ah, the direct approach. I'll give it a shot.

All right.

Hey, Marissa, want to dance?

Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, you've really got a lot of good moves.

Well, what can I say?

I make it my policy to "get down" with Soul Train.

Anyone want to hear another tape?

Oh, I have a better idea.

Why don't we play "Spin The Bottle?"

[HOOTING]

Whoa.

Good thing I shaved.

Frank, we're going to need twice as many chips as that.

Oh, okay.

Hey, guess what?

They're playing "Spin the Bottle" in there.

I'm going to go get the video camera.

Gee, Frank, I don't know.

Do you think we ought to let the kids play kissing games in there?

Oh, come on, honey, they're just going to give each other little pecks.

If they start playing strip poker, we'll raid the place, okay?

Yeah, I guess you're right, no big deal.

I remember my first boy-girl party.

We didn't play "Spin the Bottle" though,

we played a game called, "Three Minutes in Heaven."

I wound up in the closet with Dak Bodak.

We didn't know what we were doing the first couple of minutes,

but we started kissing and then Dak...

Oh, my God, I've got to get in there.

No, no, honey.

In the first place, we don't have a closet in there.

And in the second place, Mark isn't anything like this Dak Bodak guy.

But, lucky for you,

I just might be.

[KIDS CHEER]

All right, Marissa, it's your turn.

Give it a spin.

Hey, is that lightning?

Uh, I don't see anything.

Must have been my imagination.

Hey, Mark, look, the bottle'spointing to you.

Well, what do you know?

Happy birthday to me.

[KIDS CHEER]

[LIP SYNCING] ♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt

♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt

♪ So sexy it hurts

♪ And I'm too sexy for Milan

♪ New York, and Japan

♪ I'm too sexy for your party

♪ Too sexy for your party... ♪

Hi, Mark.

Hi, Mom.

♪ I'm too sexy for my Mom

♪ Too sexy for my house

♪ Too sexy for my street ♪

Well, you're certainly in a good mood today.

Why shouldn't I be?

Thanks to this, I'm a young man in love.

How come you're so dressed up?

Well, I used my birthday money to send Marissa a dozen roses.

And I'm just going to pop by her house and see how she liked them.

Gee, Mark, don't you think you're moving a little fast?

Mom, there are no stop signs on the Highway of Love.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Excuse moi.

Hi, Mark. Oh, hi. Come on in.

I was on my way to surprise you and instead, you surprised me.

Mom, this is Marissa.

Marissa, this is my Mom.

Hi. Hi.

Mark, I came...

I know, you came over to thank me for the flowers.

Forget it.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Actually,

I came over to return them.

"Return them?"

Why?

Well, it wouldn't be right to keep them,

because I kind of like somebody else.

But, I thought you were my girlfriend.

I mean, we kissed and everything.

Mark, the bottle pointed at you, so I kissed you.

Those are kind of the rules.

Right, the rules.

Well, I better go.

Thanks for inviting me to your party.

Bye.

I'm really sorry, Mark.

Just leave me alone.

Oh, no, it's a car.

Gee, when I accepted the challenge,

I had no idea it would be so big.

I don't know nothin' 'bout fixin' no cars.

Laugh while you can, barky, you're still gonna lose the bet.

Okay.

I'm ready to help.

Hey, that's not part of the deal.

Dana's got to do all the dirty work herself.

Oh, I don't do dirty work.

I just read the instructions and wear these cute coveralls.

"Step two: put a pan in place, under the car, to catch the old oil."

Well, my name's not Gomer, but I'll give it a shot.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Dana, I'm really enjoying this.

I've always dreamed about you being under a car.

Well, of course, I was driving it.

Okay, the pan's in place. What's next?

"Remove the oil plug and let the oil drain into the pan."

Got it.

Boy, I remember my first oil change.

I was a mere lad of six, knee high to a Pontiac.

Yeah, that's right. It was a Tuesday. It was raining.

Wait, come to think of it, it wasn't Tuesday.

It wasn't raining.

We didn't have a car.

Man, I wonder whose oil I did change?

Gee, that was tough.

All right, what's next?

"Make sure the oil has finished draining into the pan."

I can do that. Here, hold this.

Cody, do you know what this is?

Well, sure, it's the oil plug.

DANA: All right, Karen, put in the oil.

One bottle of oil, coming right up.

Hey, uh, JT, can I talk to you for a second?

Dude, I kind of got a moral dilemma here.

You know, I want to tell Dana that she forgot to put the oil plug back in,

but I'm supposed to be an impartial observer,

so my tubes are tied.

What do you think I should do?

Well, Cody, if I were you,

I'd just say nothing.

Are you sure that's the right thing to do?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I got the oil.

This doesn't explode like Champagne, does it?

Just put it in.

[SCREAMS]

What happened?

[CHUCKLES]

This is what happened.

You see, this is an oil plug.

It's what keeps the oil inside of the engine,

instead of running out all over you.

But I figured you'd know that.

After all, you know, any idiot would.

Well, Dana, you know, since JT got a hundred on his test,

I guess I'm gonna have to declare you the loser of the bet.

But look at the bright side,

your face won't show any wear for the next five thousand miles.

Mark, you've been in there over an hour.

Can't we talk about this?

MARK: Go away. I can't talk to you.

You're one of them.

One of whom?

Girls. That's whom.

You're all alike.

Okay, honey, I fixed that outlet in the bedroom. Anything else?

Mark had his heart broken by some girl

and now he's locked himself in the bathroom

and he doesn't even want to talk to me.

Well, of course not, honey. You're one of them.

Come on, this is man stuff.

Here, come on, let me handle it, huh?

Hey, Mark, it's your old shaving partner. Can I come in?

Are any of them out there?

Nope. All of them are gone.

Hey.

How you doing, pal?

Not so good.

I thought Marissa was my girlfriend.

I guess I was wrong.

Oh, I hear you.

Boy, getting dumped really hurts, doesn't it?

It sure does.

Yeah, I know.

but I've got to tell you, pal, it's all part of being a man.

I mean, when you grow up, you've got to take some risks.

If you ask somebody to be your girlfriend, she might say, "no."

But you can't let that stop you from trying,

because one day you're going to find a girl

who likes you just as much as you like her.

I know, but I want one now.

I know, that's all part of being a man, too.

Well, that's why they invented sports.

Oh.

Oh, so that's why JT runs track.

Exactly. So, you just hang in there, huh?

Thanks, Frank.

Hey, you have got that manly stubble happening again.

How long has it been since you shaved?

About eighteen hours ago.

You got to do it again.

You get up there and lather up,

and I'll go get my dad's special razor, huh?

Uh, Frank. Yeah?

This time, can we put a blade in it?

Yeah.

[SINGING] ♪ I'm too sexy for my face

♪ Too sexy for my face

♪ So sexy it hurts ♪

Hello, Judy. This is Mark Foster.

Would you like to go to the movies with me Saturday night?

All right, thanks anyway.

Shot down again.

I'm never going to get a date.

Mark, I'm a salesman.

Everything in life is a numbers game.

You ask a hundred girls out

and one of them is bound to say yes.

All right, call number fifty eight.

Hello, Mary? This is Mark Foster...

[DIAL TONE]

She hung up.

Fifty nine.

Hello, Becky? This is Mark Foster.

Would you like to go to the movies with me Saturday night?

You would? Well, thanks anyway.

Who's next?

Wait a minute. That, that sounded like she said "yes."

Wait a minute, she did!

Hello, hello, Becky? Becky? Hello?

Where's her number?