Original subtitles

Hey.

Yuletide greetings, dudes.

Have I got a major Christmas surprise for you?

This should be good.

[SHUDDERS]

Hey, guess what?

The chamber of commerce is having a contest

for the best Christmas decorations.

So, I'm putting the finishing touches on my van.

Sounds neat, Cody.

Can we see your Christmas display?

Yeah, buddy.

Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen.

Cody Lambert presents the glory of Christmas.

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah

♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪

Yeah, Christmas.

The time of peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

Really bitchin' decorations.

Now the first stop on our holiday tour

will be the North Pole.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, look, it's snowing over there.

Matter of fact, it's snowing everywhere.

CODY: Yeah, just a little Yuletide magic there, little buddy.

Now we all know the main man at Christmas

is Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Oh, look, there he is now.

Hey, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho.

[CODY LAUGHING]

But, of course, Christmas is about

more than just a fat guy in a red suit.

It all started in a little town called Bethlehem.

Let's return now to those thrilling days of yesteryear

when the Christ child lay asleep in a manger.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, look, he has visitors.

It's the three wise men.

Balthazar, Gaspar and Melchior?

Nah. Three much wiser dudes than those.

In fact,

the three wisest men in the history of the world.

Albert Einstein.

Abraham Lincoln.

And the wisest dude of them all.

Alex Trebek.

Yeah, buddy.

Is this cool or, what?

[CHUCKLING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ To say my Lord

♪ I think I've found someone

♪ You know It will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause we're Putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by Step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Here we go, kids. More hot fudge.

Carol, I don't get it.

You never let us eat ice cream in the living room.

Well, I just thought it would be a nice holiday treat.

Although being that we're all together

I thought maybe we could have a family meeting.

-Family meeting? It's a trap. -Run for it.

Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Come on, back here. Come on.

Now I just thought that we could discuss an idea

that I think will make Christmas a lot more fun for all of us.

Well, you've got our attention, honey. What's your idea?

[SIGHS] Instead of everybody going through the hassle of buying

a lot of gifts, I thought we could put names in a hat

pull one out and buy that person one gift.

Wait a second.

Are you saying I'd only get one gift?

-Right. -That bites.

Frank, would you help me out here, please?

Well, I don't know, Carol. One gift.

Ain't that kind of like Russia?

Alright, things have been a little tight around here

and I thought that this would be a great way

for us to save some money.

Well, Carol, we're already gonna save

a lot of money this Christmas.

I mean, I'm remodeling Hartman's Toy Store.

He promised to give me a 20% discount on anything I want.

Ah, cool!

Does that mean I get the train set I've been asking for?

Well, maybe, if Carol gets over this communist Grinch thing.

Yeah.

Fine, you guys win, forget about exchanging names

but, can we at least set a price limit on these gifts?

Ah, great idea.

All in favor of a $10,000 price limit, say aye.

ALL: Aye.

That is the last time you eat ice cream in my living room.

Give me that. Give me, give me, give me.

Perfect.

Okay, okay, clear a path. I'm here to get my loot.

Oh.

Where do you think you're going, son?

It's one minute after midnight.

That means it's Christmas. Which presents are mine?

Ah-ah-ah, alright, you know the rules.

You open your presents at 6:00 AM.

So, right now, go to bed or I'm gonna tell Santa Claus

what a freeloading leech you've been all year.

Merry Christmas to you too, dad.

Ho, ho, ho.

-CAROL: Frank? -Yeah.

Where did you put Brendan's, uh, train set?

I thought we would set it around the tree as a surprise.

T-train set. I, I thought you got the train set.

Why would I get the train set?

You're the one who's been remodeling

a toy store the past two weeks.

Well, if you're gonna cop an attitude

I don't wanna talk about it.

Frank.

Oh, okay, okay, gee, I blew it, honey.

That was gonna be our big gift for Brendan.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Wait a minute.

I've still got the keys to Hartman's Toy Store.

I'll just go down and let myself in and pick up a train.

Frank, you can't do that. It's breaking and entering.

No, it's not. I'm gonna leave money.

It's, uh, entering with intent to purchase.

I can't believe you forgot something so important.

You know, it's like, if I want anything done right

around here, I have to do it myself.

Oh, come on, honey, just relax.

I'm gonna be back in a half an hour.

Why don't you, uh

why don't you put the stocking stuffers

that we got for the kids in their stockings?

Stocking stuffers?

Frank, would you turn off the lights?

Somebody's gonna see us here.

Carol, it's in the middle of the night.

We're the only two idiots awake right now.

[SIGHS]

Well, just hurry. I don't feel right about being here.

Okay. Hey, here.

You, uh, look for stocking stuffers

and I'll see if I can find the train, okay?

Oh, jeez, look at this.

That's disgusting.

"Ooze, throw it against the wall, and it sticks."

Who'd spend 50 cents on something like this?

Fifty cents?

That stuff used to be a buck, 20.

Get a bunch of that, okay?

Oh, honey, look. Here it is.

Look, "The Red Rider Express

with authentic locomotive sounds and patented track switcher."

Oh, wow, if I send away, I can join the Junior Engineers Club.

[GASPS] Oh, look.

Honey, an official police enforcer cap gun

with a real smoking barrel.

I gotta get that too.

Good idea, Frank.

You'll need that in case your train gets held up.

Alright, one train, 49.95.

And one police enforcer special

with a real smoking barrel, 9.95.

How much for stocking stuffers?

-17.50. -17.50. Okay.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Freeze.

Now put your hands up

and don't even think about reaching for that gun.

Boy, uh, officer, there's a mistake.

See this isn't even a real gun.

I said hands up, slime ball.

-You too, blondie. -Oh, oh...

Officer, we can explain this.

Yeah, you see, I was actually gonna put money in the register.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm Santa Claus.

Alright now, why don't we all

take a little ride downtown in my sleigh, huh?

[GASPS]

Move it! Get out! Let's go!

Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

-Alright, let's go. -Okay.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

[STAIRS THUMPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Yes, yes, yes.

A new microscope.

Thanks, mom. Thanks, Frank.

Mom? Frank?

Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, guys, wait a minute.

Has anyone seen mom and Frank?

Hey, they know the rules.

Six o'clock, we open gifts.

You snooze, you lose.

ALL: Alright!

[ALL CLAMORING]

Entering with intent to purchase.

Idiot.

Where is that deputy, anyway, huh?

He should unlock that phone. We're entitled to a phone call.

Uh, hey, hey, we've been locked up in here for hours.

Oh, I'm sorry I inconvenienced you.

Next time, call ahead for reservations.

We'll put you in our Frequent Felon Program.

Okay, let's go.

It's booking time.

Deputy, we're not trying to make trouble.

We just wanna make a phone call

so our kids will know where we are.

You don't make your phone call till I'm done bookin' ya.

Look, can't you just bend the rules a little?

It's Christmas.

Oh, don't sing that Yuletide sob story to me, missy.

The way I see it

Christmas is just another day on the beat.

You know, there's, there's no need for you

to be rude, Deputy, uh, Fife.

That's Feif, F-E-I-F.

Fife would be F-I-F-E, got it?

Yes, sir.

-Okay. -Jeez.

Names?

Frank and Carol Lambert.

F.

R.

A.

You'd think they'd put these things in alphabetical order.

This is gonna take forever.

N.

The kids will be worried sick about us.

Alright, a soccer ball.

Cool. Give me another one.

-Hey. -Move out of the way.

Stop it!

A study lamp?

What am I supposed to do with this?

-Here, Mark. Merry Christmas. -Alright. Hey.

Somebody throw me another gift.

Yeah!

[LAUGHING]

Charge, armed robbery.

A.

R.

M.

It was a cap gun.

That's your story.

I think I'll just wait and see

what the boys down in Ballistics have to say about it.

Now look, Feif, I know the owner. I have a set of keys.

I've been goin' there everyday for the last two weeks.

Oh, you cased the joint, huh?

Premeditation.

P.

R.

Deputy, can't we just speed this up a little bit?

I'm sure you wanna be with your family

as much as we wanna be with ours.

Family? I don't have a family.

You're looking at a confirmed bachelor.

Nobody's ever slapped a saddle on this wild stallion.

Okay. Any prior arrests?

No, of course not.

Well, let's just have a little looksy anyway.

Well, what have we got here?

May 28, 1975, Quail Lake.

Ring any bells, Frankie?

Wh-what's the big deal?

That dumb game warden wrote me up

for fishing without a license.

That's not all, pretty boy.

It says there you tried to flee the scene of the crime.

I was in a canoe.

I was being pulled downstream.

Yeah, yeah.

There are a million stories in the "Naked City."

That's it. There's no more.

And I didn't even get my train.

Yeah. We got a lot more presents last year.

Face it. The geezers hosed us.

Okay, are you guys ready to open presents?

Whoa.

Guess doesn't pay to oversleep in this house.

Hey, where's Uncle Frank and Carol?

[SIGHS] I don't know.

They're probably still upstairs sleeping.

You mean you guys opened your presents

without waiting for your parents?

That's un-American.

Hey, it's not our fault they're not here.

Okay, time out. Time out.

Now, I know this is the season to be jolly

but, you guys are really starting to cheese me off.

All you've been talking about for the last two weeks

is about how much loot you're gonna get.

Well, I got news for you.

Christmas is about more than just getting presents.

It's about spending quality time with the people who you love.

Cody, we--

Uh, p-pipe down. I'm not finished yet.

Don't you guys get it?

I mean, one of the coolest things about being a parent

is seeing the joy on your children's faces

when they open up their presents on Christmas morning.

You guys took that away from them.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You know, I hate to admit it, but, I think Cody's right.

Yeah, I guess we have been acting like

a bunch of greedy little pigs lately.

Yeah, well...

...I didn't mean to take the jingle out of your bells

but, it had to be said.

[PHONE RINGING]

Anybody have any idea where the phone is?

Whoa.

Talk about reach out and touch someone.

[LAUGHS]

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Cody. Cody, it's Frank.

CODY: Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey, where are you?

Uh, Carol and I are in jail.

-Jail? -What?

-Jail? -What are they doing there?

Hey, hey, pipe down, you little vultures.

FRANK: Yeah, uh, Cody.

We were arrested for robbing a toy store.

You robbed a toy store?

Boy, life's just full of disappointments this morning.

Uh, no, Cody. It was a misunderstanding.

You see, I had a key and-and we were gonna

leave money for the stuff.

Oh, so it was more like entering with the intent to purchase?

Exactly. Uh, Cody, listen.

Uh, we're gonna need some money for bail.

-Will you hold on a second? -CODY: Sure.

Uh, deputy?

What's it gonna take to get us out of here?

Don't ask me, you'll have to ask the judge

when he gets back from visiting his mother tomorrow.

Wh-what are you saying?

We have to spend Christmas Day in jail?

Very sharp, bubbles.

You must be the brains in the operation.

Uh, Cody, they're not gonna set bail until tomorrow.

Will you tell the kids we're sorry we can't be there?

-Sure, Uncle Frank. -Bye.

CODY: Bye.

Well, this is really great, Frank.

First, you forget to get Brendan's train set.

Then you get the inspired idea to rob a toy store.

So, now I have a police record

and I have to spend Christmas Day in a jail cell

sleeping on Lord knows what.

I don't even wanna think about the toilet.

Well, Merry Christmas, Frank. Ho, ho, ho.

She's turnin' on you, Frankie.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry I messed everything up.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm sorry I blew up at you.

I just hate being away from the kids at Christmas.

♪ Deck the halls With boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la

♪ Mom and Dad Are in the slammer

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la ♪

♪ Don they now Their striped apparel

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la

♪ Up the river Go Frank and Carol

♪ Fa la la la la La la la la ♪

Alright, uh, you kids can visit them

but, no funny stuff.

I'll be watching you like a hawk.

Oh, look, Frank, the kids brought Christmas to us.

Well, we couldn't let you spend Christmas alone in the hoosegow.

Yeah. Merry Christmas, Uncle Frank and Carol.

We brought you some presents.

Uh, sorry they're unwrapped

but, there was a wave of greed this morning.

Well, that's okay.

I don't feel much like unwrapping presents anyway

since I've ruined Christmas for everybody.

Oh, dad, you didn't ruin Christmas.

I mean, if anybody ruined it, it was us.

I mean, all we were talking about for the last couple weeks

is how many presents we were going to get.

Yeah, we've been really greedy.

We're sorry, dad.

Huh, that's okay. It's, it's no big deal.

It is a big deal. Cody's right.

The most important thing about Christmas

is being with your family.

We kinda lost sight of that.

Well, the important thing is that we're all together now.

Yeah, a guy couldn't ask for a better family.

-Merry Christmas, dad. -Merry Christmas, son.

-Merry Christmas, Cody. -Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

That's so beautiful.

[BLOWS NOSE]

Deputy Feif, you're crying.

Uh, me?

No, no. I'm, I'm just fighting a cold.

Well, come on, Deputy Feif.

I don't buy that tough guy act.

I think deep down, there's a softy

who'd really like to get into the Christmas spirit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're wrong.

Why would I wanna celebrate Christmas

with a warm and loving family?

People who really care about each other and..

...and have a bucket full of pretty

tasty-looking chicken there.

Well, hey, deputy, why don't you join us?

There's more than enough for everybody.

Well, what the heck? It is Christmas.

Oh, you two might as well come on out of there.

No sense getting the bars all greasy

passing that chicken through them.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

[INDISCTINCT CHATTER]

Another piece of pumpkin pie, Deputy Feif?

Oh, no thanks. Three's my limit.

This body's a weapon. I like to keep it finely tuned.

There is one thing I'd like though.

Yeah, what's that?

Can we sing one more Christmas carol?

Oh, you got it.

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪ Round yon virgin

♪ Mother and child

♪ Holy infant

♪ So, tender and mild

♪ Sleep in heavenly

♪ Peace

♪ Sleep in...

[SNORING]

♪ Heavenly peace ♪