Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Frank. I'm glad you're home.

I have to go to the store and I don't have any cash.

Do you have $20?

Oh, probably. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, one, two, three

four, five.

Uh..

Hey, there's a ten-spot! Ha-ha!

Frank, I can't believe that's how you carry your money.

Why? What's wrong with it?

Well, it's spread out all over the place.

I mean you're bound to lose your money that way.

Carol, I know exactly how much money I have at all times.

Oh, really, you wanna tell me how much money I pulled

out of your pockets when I did the laundry last week?

- Four bucks. - Eighty-seven dollars.

So why are you buggin' me for $20?

Go to the hamper and get it yourself. Ha ha ha!

- Hey, Uncle Frank, Carol. - Hi, Cody.

Hi, Code, how you doin'?

Color me ticked off.

Infuriated, irate, hot.

- Steamed. - You're angry.

No, no, I wouldn't say that. I'm..

Just a little bit upset.

You know, while I was at the gym workin' out

somebody broke into my van and ripped off my stereo.

- Cody, that's terrible. - Tcha!

It's gonna cost like a couple hundred bucks to replace.

I don't know if I got that kind of money. Huh? Tch..

Let me see here..

Oh, yeah. One, two..

Two and a ten-spot! Ha ha!

[sighs] Oh, God. It's genetic.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Come on in, Eileen, I'll get you some coffee

while we wait for your son.

Well, thanks. This is really nice of you.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

There you go.

- Thanks. - Have a seat.

So how do you and your son like living in Port Washington?

Oh, I love it.

But Freddie's having a little trouble making friends.

He wants to go to the spring dance next week

but he's too shy to ask anyone.

We went through the same thing

when we moved to Chicago two years ago.

Well, I'm sure he'll have an easier time in Port Washington.

I mean, it's a small town and the kids

are really down to earth.

Good news! Ha ha!

The tiara I ordered from Bloomingdale's has arrived!

I-is it just me or do I look fabulous?

I'd like to present my daughter, Princess Karen.

This is Mrs. Donovan.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

[knocking on door] I'll get it.

Oh, hi. You must be Freddie.

- Come on in. I'm Carol. - Hi.

And this is my daughter, Karen.

I-I've seen you around school. Hi.

Sweetheart, I was just telling Carol

how much you wanna go to the spring dance.

Mom!

Tsk. Don't be shy. All the kids are going.

You're going, aren't you, Karen?

- Well, hopefully. - Karen..

Don't you have a date yet?

- Well, no, bu-- - Oh! This is perfect!

You two can go together.

'That way you'll meet lots of kids'

and Karen is the most popular girl at school.

- Mother! - Well, it's true.

- Well, hey, this is great. - Oh, it's wonderful.

Listen, we have got to run, but thanks a million!

Oh, sure!

- Bye-bye! - Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh! Isn't this great?

I just love when things work out like this.

What?

Uh..

What? What? What?

Karen! What are you so upset about?

Mother, at the spring dance

they give an award to the perfect couple.

And there is no way I'm going to win

if I go with Freddie Donovan.

[scoffs] He's a 142.

Freddie's a 142? I don't understand.

A bunch of us girls at school

devised a system for sorting out

the choice guys from the rejects.

- You mean a rating system? - Exactly.

There are seven categories.

Looks, hair, car, clothes, money, body, and other.

What about intelligence, a sense of humor or personality?

I said "Other."

Karen, I love you a lot, but you are a very sick child.

Oh, mom, it gets better. Go ahead, Karen.

Take her down the shallow brick road.

Each category is scored one through ten.

Then multiplied by a factor

reflecting its relative importance.

Looks, 3.7.

Money, 3.2.

And other, .001.

She's been turning down dates for the dance all week.

She wants to go with Jeffrey Russell.

He's a 195.

And now that can't happen.

And I'll never win the perfect couple contest

because you stuck me with a 142.

I can't believe girls use a rating system

to decide which boys are worth dating.

Do boys use this system, too?

No, theirs is much simpler.

They only have one category, mom

and your numbers would stack up very well.

[instrumental music]

Uh, there you go, baby.

Yeah, I know you're really upset about this whole robbery thing

but just try to relax and get into the rub-down, okay?

Cody, am...I interrupting something?

Oh, hey, Uncle Frank, nah, I was..

...just having a little chat with Lucille.

You know, ever since that robbery thing

she's been feeling a little you know, vulnerable.

Yeah, I can see this robbery has really messed up..

...both your heads.

So...I bought you a car alarm.

Oh, gee, Uncle Frank, uh..

I know you're trying to help and everything, but..

You know, I don't wanna end up a prisoner to my possessions.

Cody, everything you own is in that van.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean, this time, it was just my stereo.

Next time it might be my Chia Pet.

- Help, help! - Come here, you little..

[clamoring]

[Mark screaming]

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey..

Hold on, whoa, hold on! Hold on! Wait!

Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?

They're trying to kill me.

That is not true, I just wanted him

to help me with my homework.

Al, hook him up to the battery.

Ow, no, wait. Stop. Stop hooking that.

Drop it. Drop it, drop it.

Alright. Now. Explain yourself, J.T.

Okay, I came up with this really cool science project.

"The Effects Of Electricity On Living Things."

And your idea was to hook

a nine-volt battery up to your stepbrother.

Well, I didn't wanna waste two bucks on a rat.

Okay, new rule.

You may not kill your stepbrother

without asking me first.

Aw, man.

[instrumental music]

Oh, brats!

I hate when this happens.

This is so unfair.

I should be going to the dance with Jeffrey Russell.

Not Gilligan.

Come on, give Freddie a chance. Maybe he's a terrific guy.

Whoa!

Hi, Karen.

Hi, Jeffrey.

You'll have to excuse her.

She's been blowing up so many balloons

I think she's a little light-headed.

Hey, I understand.

I always have a strong effect on women.

You know, you're right.

Suddenly I'm feeling a little queasy myself.

Hey, listen, Karen

I, uh, wanted to talk to you about the dance.

Yes!

I haven't even asked you the question.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Would, uh, you like to go to the dance with me tomorrow?

Yes!

Great. I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Ciao.

Karen, what are you doing?

You can't go to the dance with Jeffrey.

You already have a date with Freddie.

Freddie who?

Oh, yeah. That Freddie.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, honey! - Hi.

- I bought you a present. - Alright.

Frank, don't you think you should unplug that toaster?

[chuckles] Honey, that's for people who have no idea what they're doin'.

[screams]

So, what'd you buy me?

Well, I was thinking about the way you carry your money

and I know we don't see eye to eye on this

but in the spirit of compromise..

...I'd like you to change.

[laughing]

This is for you.

[sighs] Thanks, honey, I..

A purse?

[sigh] Oh, Carol, you bought me a purse?

It's not a purse. It's a financial organizer.

In fact, the salesman in the store called it a "Men's valet."

Yeah, I can just stick my stuff in here

and throw it over my shoulder.

- Yeah. - Then, it's a purse!

Oh, Frank, don't be ridiculous.

Lots of guys carry these things.

Here, let's try it.. Try it on.

[whimpering] No!

[whining] No! No!

Frank, come on, it looks good.

No one's gonna think it's a purse.

Hey, Uncle Frank. Nice purse.

[instrumental music]

And not only that, Jeffrey's got a great car.

And perfect hair.

Well, as impressive as Jeffrey's hair may be

dumping Freddie is cruel.

Not if it's handled with sensitivity, diplomacy--

- And deceit. - Exactly.

Watch and learn.

[coughing] Hello, Freddie?

This is Karen.

[coughing] Listen, Freddie. I'm sorry, but..

I'm really sick.

Would you stop? You're being rude!

[coughing] Anyway..

...I hate to do this to you at the last minute

but, uh, I don't think I'm gonna be able..

[coughing] ...to go to the dance tomorrow.

[sniffling] Thanks for being so understanding.

Bye.

See? That's how it's done.

Now, Freddie's feelings aren't hurt

and I can go to the dance with Jeffrey.

Tsk. I'm impressed.

How about you, mom?

Oh, yeah, I'm real impressed.

[instrumental music]

Now, mom. Don't overreact.

I'm sure Karen has a perfectly good explanation

for telling a bald-faced lie to a very nice young man.

Karen?

Dana, you want a piece of this too?

Uh-oh! Time to leave.

I can't believe you would tell a lie to get out of a date.

This whole thing is all your fault.

You're the one who stuck me with Freddie.

Oh, I stuck you with Freddie.

I stuck you with Freddie?

Di.. Oh, okay. I stuck you with Freddie.

A-and maybe I was wrong to do that

but that's no reason for you to hurt him.

He won't get hurt. He's never going to know the truth.

He'll be sitting at home doing whatever 142s do.

You know, Karen, that is what bothers me

about this whole thing.

Freddie is no longer a person to you, he's a number.

Well, it's not right. People have feelings.

Even if their car and their hair don't add up to 195.

Does this mean you're gonna make me

go to the dance with Freddie?

No. No. Iam not going to make you do anything.

You're old enough to make your own decision.

I just hope you'll think about what I've said here

and let your conscience help you do the right thing.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

Yes!

Alright, Cody, are you ready for a demonstration

of the Invadercom 7000 car alarm?

- Yeah, totally! - Oh, cool!

- Yeah! - Corner.

Okay. Okay.

Step number one, you activate the alarm.

[alarm beeps]

Now, if a thief comes near the van

watch what happens.

[automated message] 'Step away from the vehicle.'

Whoa, sounds like Lucille's coming down with a cold.

Now, i-if that doesn't scare the thief off, this will.

[gunshots]

Whoa!

Van with a 'tude. Gotta love that!

Now, say a burglar actually

does manage to break in to the van

there is one more security feature.

[alarm beeps]

Now, if the burglar opens the door..

...and goes for the radio..

Ha ha! The doors close and lock

and will not open without pressing this button.

Which doesn't seem to be working at this time.

There must be some malfunction in the system.

[grunts]

Whoa, I bought that airbag in a swamp meet.

I always wondered if it worked.

Help! Help!

Perhaps this'll be a good time to take

advantage of the customer service number.

Yeah, come on!

Hey, guys, guys!

- The ice cream man's here! - Alright! Ice-cream man.

- Dude, I'm buying. - Cody.

Cody!

Get me outta here!

♪ You can't fight the feelings that you feel inside ♪

♪ You can't hide the look of love that's in your eyes ♪

♪ It's alright what you feelin' inside.. ♪♪

You look great tonight, Karen.

Thanks. So do you.

I don't know. Couple of hairs are outta place.

I'd better go fix that!

I'd hate to win perfect couple and not have perfect hair.

Excuse me.

- Hi, Karen. - Hi, where's your date?

He's getting some punch. Where's Freddie?

I'm not here with Freddie. I'm here with Jeffrey.

[scoffs] Wow! Mom must be really mad at you.

[scoffs] Dana, I snuck out of the house and came with Jeffrey.

Mom doesn't even know.

[scoffs] Oh, like you've never done anything behind mom's back.

- Karen.. - Listen.

I'm old enough to make

my own decisions about guys.

- But mom is-- - Mom..

Is the one who told me that.

And frankly, if I wanna dump Freddie

and come to the dance with Jeffrey

then mom can just kiss my..

- But.. - Exactly.

Hi there, Karen.

Again? Why don't you ever warn me?

[chuckles] What are you doing here?

Well, at the last minute they asked me to chaperone.

Frank would have been here, but they're still

using the Jaws of Life to get him out of Cody's van.

Look, mom, I know you think I should be here with Freddie

but I'm old enough to figure stuff out

without asking your advice about every little thing.

Karen...Freddie just walked in.

[gasps] Oh, no. Mom, what should I do?

I don't want to give you advice on every little thing.

Have a wonderful evening.

Well...I'd love to stay but my date is waiting.

I only have one, you know.

Hi, Karen. I see you're feeling better.

Must have been one of those 24 minute flus.

What are you doing here?

Well, I called your house to see

how you were feeling and Brandon told me

you were here.

Look, I can explain.

Don't bother. I understand.

I found about the little rating system this school has.

And I guess someone like you would never be caught dead

with someone like me.

Well, thanks. Thanks for making me feel like a fool.

Uh, Freddie, I'm really sorry.

No, you're not. You're just sorry you got caught.

I guess you weren't expecting me to have the guts

to come down here and confront you, well surprise!

I have a lot of guts.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm gonna go into that bathroom and throw up.

Hey, watch it, pal.

I just fixed my hair.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, what's the matter?

I think I just hurt somebody's feelings.

[scoffs]

Can I have your attention, everyone?

As head of the dance committee

it is my pleasure to announce

the winners of the perfect couple contest.

It was a very close vote but the winners are

Jeffrey Russell and Karen Foster!

[applauding]

Congratulations, you two. You must be very proud.

Um, yeah.

Why don't you tell everyone exactly

how you feel now?

Um, I know I should be really excited

about winning this award..

...but actually, I feel really bad.

I had a date with someone tonight but I dumped him

because he didn't score high enough

in our little rating system.

You know, I used to think that system was the perfect way

to pick your dates.

But, actually, it stinks.

I mean, there's a lot more important things than..

Than having a, a great car, perfect hair.

Like, what?

Well, like being a good person.

Someone who's nice and honest

and has the guts to tell somebody like me

when they've been a real jerk.

Anyway, thanks for this award, but I can't accept it.

Because I'm not really here with Jeffrey.

I'm here with Freddie Donovan.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, uh, I think we're going to have a recount now

because this is certainly not perfect couple behavior.

You didn't have to do that.

- Yes, I did. - Thanks.

Listen, Freddie, I know you may not think so right now

but there really are some very nice people at this school.

I hope you'll give me a chance to show you

that I can be one of them.

- I'd like that. - Would you like to dance?

Oh, gee. I don't know. I'm not a very good dancer.

Don't worry about it. Nobody's perfect.

♪ So darlin' darlin' stand by me ♪

♪ Oh stand by me ♪

♪ Oh stand now ♪

♪ Stand by me ♪

♪ Stand by me ♪

♪ Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand ♪

♪ By me ♪

♪ Oh stand by me ♪♪

[theme music]