Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, dad. Ha-ha.

The greatest thing in the world happened to me today.

You got a drink of water without getting hit in the head

with a toilet seat?

No. I met the woman of my dreams.

This girl is perfect. We have everything in common.

Well, that sounds good. Where'd you meet her?

In detention!

- I am truly proud, son. - She's incredible.

She's the only girl I know who has more demerits than me. Oh!

[engine revving]

Oh, that's Gina, now. Isn't it great? She has a hog.

Uh, J.T., this lovely, young biker you've met, uh..

...does she have a tattoo of any sort?

I'm not sure, but I'll let you know when I find out.

- Yo, J.T. - Yo, Gina.

Gina Mastari, meet my dad.

Yo, dad.

Yo, Gina.

Yo, yo.

You don't know me, we go to the same school

but I'm in the building without the barbed wire.

Hey, good one.

- You're pretty funny. - Thanks.

But with a face like that, I guess you'd have to be. Ow!

Is this the perfect woman for me or what?

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a when the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[J.T.] 'Come on, Gina. Let's go get some burgers.'

Yeah, I'm starving. See you, pops.

Aww.

What a lovely couple.

I just hope they end up in a nice coed penitentiary.

Hey, kiddo. How's it goin'?

Not too good.

This is from my principal.

[gasps]

Ooh.

A pink demerit slip.

Well, this is certainly a red-letter day

for the Lambert clan.

J.T. gets detention, Al brings home a demerit slip.

I guess little Brendan must be out knockin' over a gas station.

Al, I don't get it.

It says here that you're cuttin' gym.

Now, gym is your favorite class. What's goin' on?

I don't think I can talk to you about this.

Why not?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

Al, I am your father.

There's absolutely nothing too embarrassing

for you and I to talk about.

Okay.

I need a bra.

You, uh, wait right here.

Carol. Carol.

[instrumental music]

Hey, J.T. Check this out.

Got those U2 tickets you wanted.

Front row.

- Alright. - Yeah.

With any luck, you and Gina can get

sprayed with some of Bono's sweat.

Cody, this is great. How'd you get these?

Well, I know this dude named Kyle and he just happens

to be one of U2's top roadies.

Oh, so you got them from him?

No way. Tcha!

Kyle's a skeeze.

No, what I did was

I found out where U2 were secretly rehearsing

and then I disguised myself as a brain-dead rock n' roller.

Man, that took some killer acting.

Buddy. Well, then, I just strode right up to Bono

and I asked him for the tickets.

You got these tickets from Bono himself?

[chuckles] Almost.

These two big, thick-necked muscle dudes

grabbed me right and they tossed me out in the street.

So how did you get them?

Get what?

- The tickets! - Oh. Tcha.

Dude, well, when I came to in the emergency room, right?

One of the orderlies was selling them. Tcha.

Talk about bein' at the right place at the right time.

[engine revving]

Uh, sounds like the little woman.

- Yo, J.T. - Yo, Gina.

Double "Love Jones." Gotta love that.

Yo, Gina, meet my cousin Cody.

- Yo, Cody. - Yo, yo, Gina.

- Whoa. Nice bike. - Thanks.

I stretched the frame, raked the front end

and had the motor bored and stroked.

Wow. You remind me of my mom.

Mind if I have a look?

- Go for it. - Dude!

Gina, check it out.

Cody scored us the U2 tickets we wanted for Friday.

Oh, I can't go.

- Why not? - I'm flunking Geometry.

Unless I pass my next test

my parents won't let me out of the house this weekend.

Man, can't you get somebody to help you study?

Who? You're the smartest guy I know.

Man, you are in trouble.

Good afternoon.

Oh, is anyone as excited

about Copernicus' birthday as I am?

Gina, your troubles are over.

[instrumental music]

Prettier than me.

Not prettier than me.

Prettier than me.

Not prettier than me.

Same.

Same.

Same.

- Karen, have you seen Al? - No. Why?

Oh, I just wanted to talk to her about

a little something in private.

You mean the bra thing?

- How'd you know about that? - Mother, please.

The walls are paper thin in this house.

There are no secrets.

By the way, how come some nights you call Frank, Captain Kirk?

He's a-a big "Star Trek" fan.

You guys are so weird.

- Hey, Carol. - Hi, Al.

Oh, uh, Al.

Uh, listen, I was talking to your dad

and I understand that you're blossoming into a young woman

and I thought maybe you and I could have a little talk.

What's to talk about? I'm getting hooters.

I need a bra. Case closed.

Well, I'm-I'm certainly glad you got over

your embarrassment on that subject.

I'm only embarrassed to talk about this stuff with my dad.

Well, I'm here anytime you need me.

Yeah, I know.

But you and I don't usually talk about this kinda stuff.

You mean, mother-daughter kinda stuff?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, hey, let's change that, okay?

This Saturday, we'll go to the mall.

We'll have lunch, we'll go to Peterson's department store.

I'll buy you a bra. Maybe even a couple dresses.

Hey, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

I'll let you buy me a bra, but if you try dressing me

like Tinker Bell up there

you can kiss this mother-daughter stuff goodbye.

[instrumental music]

Well, there they are. Beauty and the Geek.

- How's the studying going? - Fine. Gina's doing great.

J.T., that soda looks really good, can I have one?

Oh, sure, there's plenty more in the fridge. Go get one.

Oh, Gina. You shouldn't have to get that soda.

You're a lady. Allow me.

Yeah, that's right. I am a lady.

Why didn't you think of that?

Here you go, Gina.

Would you like a glass and perhaps some ice?

Yeah, sure.

Ice-ice, that'd be good.

He thought of ice.

It's not like he invented it.

Here you go, Gina. I hope this is to your liking.

Hey, bean head, drop the Prince Charming act

and get down to tutoring.

If she doesn't learn this stuff by Friday

I'll never be able to go to the concert.

You know, J.T., I find your attitude rather selfish.

Gina's working very hard to learn this.

And all you seem to care about is some stupid concert.

Just a personal opinion.

Mind your own business, Mark.

Why should he? He's right about your attitude.

I wish you were as nice to me as he is.

You want me to treat you like wuss boy here?

It'd be a lot better than the way you treat me now.

As a matter of fact

until you start treating me like Mark does

I don't wanna see you again.

You gotta be kidding me.

Mark, I'll call you to set up another study time.

Thanks for everything. You're really sweet.

[gasps]

[sighs]

I'm never gonna see puberty, am I?

[instrumental music]

You're dead meat, you little creep.

You got Gina all mad at me.

[grunting]

Hi, guys.

J.T., please let me go.

You're forcing my bow tie down my trachea.

- Hi, guys. - Huh!

Frank, do something.

Oh, honey, they're just goofin' around.

No, they're not. Knock it off.

Come on, guys, uh, tell Carol you were just goofin' around.

Actually, you were witnessing a homicide.

Mark stole my girlfriend.

You gotta be kidding.

Well, I'm afraid it's true, Frank.

I mean, what can I say? Chicks dig me.

- You're dead. - Hey, hey, hey.

Frank, you know, I don't wanna tell you

how to discipline your children, but you need to make it clear

to your son that physical violence is not okay.

- Come on, Carol-- - Just do it!

Come on, Mark.

Okay, pal.

Now, you wanna tell me what was goin' on?

Simple. Mark acts like such a little kiss-up around Gina

that now she wants me to treat her that way.

You know, as strange as this may seem to you, J.T.

being a gentleman like Mark is something women like.

You're kidding.

Now look, son.

The way I see it, you have two choices here.

Choice number one, stay the way you are.

Act naturally, jus.. Be yourself.

Choice number two, have a girlfriend.

Oh, man!

[instrumental music]

- Hi, Mark. - Don't touch me.

I've got a lawyer and I'm not afraid to use him.

Relax, Mark. I just came to apologize.

This is a trick, isn't it?

I extend my hand in peace

then you rip off my arm

and club me with it, right?

No, I acted like a jerk today and I'm really sorry.

Oh, okay.

Apology accepted.

And I need a favor.

I need you to teach me to be a gentleman.

You know, how to treat a lady.

Wait a minute, you're comin' to me for advice on women?

Well, it looks like the proverbial worm has turned.

One more word and the arm comes off.

Understood. Understood.

Okay, now, if I'm gonna teach you how to act with a woman

we're gonna need someone to practice on.

What about Dana or Karen?

The hurl sisters?

No, thank you.

Well, then who we gonna get?

Hey, dudes, what's up?

Cody, would you do me a favor?

Tch. You know me, anything for a bud.

[chuckles]

Would you be my woman?

Dude.

No, Cody, we just need you to pretend to be a woman

so that J.T. can learn the proper way to treat a lady.

Phew! What a relief.

- Oh, man. - Okay.

Alright now, let's begin.

Cody you'll be J.T.'s date.

J.T., you pick up your date at the door.

What do you say?

Wow, you're pretty ugly for a chic.

Listen, sweetheart, you ain't no California sunset either.

Okay, forget picking her up at the door.

Let's say you're already at the restaurant.

Now, a gentleman always escorts a lady to the table.

J.T., you take your date's arm and escort her to the table.

Oh.

- Madam. - Tcha, whatever, dude.

Man.

[clicking tongue]

What?

You're supposed to seat your date first.

Well, at least somebody around here knows how to treat a lady.

You better straighten up, mister

or you'd be in for some major hush

when we get back in the car.

[instrumental music]

[inhales]

[exhales]

Hi, Gina.

Oh, you.

What's with the suit?

You got a court date?

No, I've just been thinking about what you said

and I realize if I want you to be my girl

I have to start acting differently.

Thanks. They're nice.

That's the new me, nice.

Would you, uh, care to join me at a table?

Uh, sure.

May I say the sparkle in your eyes

puts the stars to shame.

J.T., you're giving me the creeps. Knock it off.

I'm just acting like a gentleman, like Mark.

I thought that's what you wanted.

Well, I thought that's what I wanted too.

See, I didn't like it when you were acting like a caveman.

And now you are acting like a complete phony

and that's even worse.

Man, I'm totally confused.

Look, I don't want you to act like Mark.

I just want you to treat me a little nicer.

I mean I know I come off tough

but I'd still like to be treated like a lady.

So I know you care.

I do care about you.

So then open a door for me

Help me with my coat, buy me a hamburger.

At least pay for your own once in a while.

Alright, you got it.

I'm gonna start treating you differently.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Now can I at least take off this tie?

Not yet.

- Well, Al, here we are. - Thanks, Carol.

You know, I really appreciate you doing this with me.

I'd feel weird being here with dad.

No problem, I'm having a good time.

Hello. May I help you?

Yes, we're here for our first bra.

Not a moment too soon.

Oh, no, not for me.

I'm just here for support.

No, no. Not that, not that kind of support.

- Moral support, for her. - Oh.

[laughs]

Of course.

Well, we have, uh, two basic styles over here

and one is fairly simple.

And the other is just a little bit fancier.

Well, um, it's mostly for hockey practice

so I'll go with simple.

Oh. Well, okay then.

Why don't we just go try this one on?

Oh, hi, Carol.

Frank, what are you doing here?

Well, honey, I was sittin' at home thinking

about you two coming down here and..

Well, I felt it was just silly for me

to be embarrassed by all this.

I mean getting your first bra

is an important moment in a girl's life

and I've always been there for Al's important moments.

Her first step, uh..

First day at school.

First time she rode a bike.

I mean, why should this be any different?

Well, 'cause this could be embarrassing.

Oh, no, Carol, honey, I am all over that.

Well, I think the young lady has made her decision.

Hi, pal. Surprised to see me?

Dad, what're you doing here?

Well, I-I wanted to be here for your big moment.

Oh, is that it?

- Honey, that's a beauty. - Stop it.

Oh.

Oh, that is great, you know what..

Oh, that's a..

You and I should walk around and see

if there's any more you like.

A girl can't have too many of these hummers, you know.

Dad!

- Dad. - Huh?

Can I talk to you privately for a moment?

Well, sure, honey. Uh, hey..

Excuse us, Carol, little father-daughter moment.

So what's up?

Dad, you know I really love you.

Yeah, and I love you too.

I mean that's why I'm here.

I know. You've always been there for me.

You're a great dad.

In fact, before Carol came along

you were a great mom too.

Oh, well, thanks.

But I think we're getting to the point

where there are some things

I'm better off doing with Carol.

Oh.

Do you mean things like gettin' a bra and stuff?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well, I-I understand.

That you'd rather do this with Carol.

Listen, why don't I go away.

You-you don't need me here.

Wait, dad.

Well, there is something you can help me with.

Really? What?

Well, I need a new catcher's mitt.

Carol knows a lot about underwear, but she doesn't know

squat about sporting goods.

Yeah, a catcher's mitt. You got it.

Hey, I even know your size.

- How 'bout a hug? - Dad, not here.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I-I-I'll be down at sporting goods.

[whistles] You'd look pretty good in this, Lieutenant O'Hara.

[instrumental music]

Do you really think you could teach me

how to be a...cool dude?

Tcha. Yeah, dude, okay.

Now, Mark, lesson number one

can crushing.

Yeah, now, all the tough chicks love this

so pay close attention.

Okay, Codeman, you first.

[clearing throat]

Yeah, hey, huh?

[Cody laughing]

[grunts]

[clanking]

Dude.

[instrumental music]