Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, he's coming, he's coming. Everybody hide.

[all] Surprise!

Whoa!

Blow my mind.

[all] Happy birthday!

Great. Thanks. Yeah.

- Were you surprised? - Totally.

I didn't even know it was my birthday.

Dude, how old am I?

- Nineteen. - Nineteen?

What happened to 16 through 18?

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Whoa whoa ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in the clan ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams ♪

♪ Fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

I swear, Tina is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I bet she doesn't even know I'm alive.

Oh, she knows. She just doesn't care.

I got to get a date with her.

Forget it, J.T., you can't just walk up

to a girl like that and say hi.

You have to have an in.

- Hi, guys. - Hi, how are you?

I think my in just walked in.

Excuse me, guys.

[indistinct chatter]

Psst, psst, Dana!

Psst!

J.T., I told you to stay

at least a 100 feet away from me.

What do I have to do, get a court order?

Relax, this is no treat for me either.

But I gotta ask you a big favor.

I want you to introduce me to Tina.

And I want world peace.

I think I've got a better shot.

Come on, Dana, name your price.

Ooh, name my price?

This could be fun.

I've got it.

If I introduce you to Tina

for the next week, I own you.

What do you mean "own?"

"Own" as in you are my slave and do anything I ask.

No way.

Then, no Tina.

She is pretty, isn't she?

My mind says, "No," but my hormones say, "Yes!"

Okay.

How about this, Frank? How does this look?

We-well, that's fine.

Just fine?

Frank, I've never met your father before.

I wanna make a good impression. Fine's not good enough.

O-o-okay, okay, um..

That's fine and dandy.

- I gotta take this off. - Hey, o-oh..

[chuckles] Well, that will make an impression.

Frank, I'm so excited about meeting your dad.

Mom, you're not wearing that, are you?

- No. - Yes, yes, she is.

[doorbell rings] Oh, that's him.

Oh, I-I'll get it, honey. Now, trust me.

You look great.

Okay.

[both chuckling]

Is that the little runt?

Is that the old buzzard?

Excuse me.

That's my father.

[grunting]

Frank, Frank, is this your father

or should I call the police?

[grunts]

No. No, honey, uh, this is my father.

Oh, you must be Carol.

- Yeah. - You were right, Frank.

- She's a looker. - Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

A-and this is my daughter, Karen.

Oh, my goodness, it runs in the family.

You certainly are a beautiful young lady.

[chuckles] I know.

- Grandpa! - Hey!

[chuckles]

[grunts]

Oh, and this is my step-brother, Mark.

- Nice to meet you. - How you doin', little fella?

[screaming]

[sighs]

That was real fun.

Excuse me, I think I'm about to have deja vuwith my lunch.

Alright, he's gonna puke!

Well, come on in, Bill. Sit down.

Thank you.

- Hey, dad. - Yeah?

How-how are things in Dubuque?

Oh, you know, same old stuff.

Finally put in a new water heater.

Put snow tires on the truck.

Gettin' married next week.

Got cable TV.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa..

Back up just a little bit, that's big news.

Oh, you bet your life it is.

I got 36 channels.

Uh, no, I think, uh

Frank was more interested in the getting-married part.

Yeah. I mean, who is she? When do we get to meet her, huh?

[doorbell dings]

How about now?

- Oh. - I'll get it.

I bet you, it's Mrs. Swenson from your bingo group.

No.

Okay, then it's Edna Phillips from church.

Frank, you never saw her before in your life.

Oh!

Hi, I'm Luanne Dexter.

- Flower. - Peaches.

[grunts]

Frankie, Carol

I want you to meet the next Mrs. Lambert.

H-hi, mom.

[instrumental music]

- Here you go, grandpa. - Oh, thanks, pal.

So, where did you two meet?

[laughing]

You're never gonna believe this.

- We met at a truck stop. - Yeah.

Right out on Interstate 94.

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

I never have any luck there.

Well, we'd like to stay for dinner

but we have other plans.

Besides, we weren't invited.

What do you mean "we?"

You mean, they invited you?

I guess Carol doesn't want me around.

She can't handle the competition.

Yeah, that's it.

Boy, your house is so homey.

Oh, would you like me to give you a grand tour?

We'd be delighted, sir.

Okay.

Now, if you look closely

you'll notice this house is a good example

of pre-war suburban architecture.

I told you he was a nerd.

J.T., where have you been?

You almost missed dinner.

Just running a couple of errands.

There's your dry-cleaning, Dana.

And here's all the books you wanted from the library.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Here are your pantyhose.

Control top?

Oh, no, no, no, no, J.T.

You'll just have to exchange those tomorrow.

But that won't be a problem, will it?

No, ma'am.

Ma'am?

J.T., what is going on here?

You wanna know what's goin' on here?

I'll tell you what's goin' on here.

I am trying to be a better step-brother to Dana.

So, we're getting along now?

How come nobody told me?

Something nice is going on here, and I don't like it.

What is the matter with you, Frank?

You haven't said a word all evening.

I don't know, Carol.

Something bothers me about Luanne.

Oh, come on, Frank, you're just a little upset

'cause you think she's too young for your dad.

No. No, no, no, that's not it.

Listen, I think it's great he hooked up

with a girl half his age.

In fact, I almost envy him.

- Excuse me? - Yeah, but I don't.

I-I-I don't because I've got something better.

- You. - Yeah. Nice save, Frank.

Yeah, I thought so.

Ooh!

I know what it is.

I have seen Luanne somewhere before.

Excuse me.

I feel terrible sitting out there

while you two are doing all the work.

- Can I help? - Uh, sure.

Why don't you take that plate of cookies in the living room

and we'll be right in with the coffee.

Oh!

[gasps]

Oh, boy.

Frank, she's gonna be your mom.

No, no, no, honey. I mean, oh, boy!

I remember where I saw Luanne before.

It was last year

at Bob Hackett's bachelor's party.

Oh, what was she doing at Bob Hackett's bachelor party?

[humming]

♪ Rum pum ra rum ♪

♪ Pum pa rum pum ba ♪♪

[gibbering]

She was the girl

who jumped out of the cake wearing...cake.

Well, this is crazy, Frank.

She can't be a, a..

A stripper? Oh, yeah. Well, there is one way to find out.

The girl at that party had the weirdest laugh.

It was a..

[wheezing laugh]

Like that.

Oh, come on, Frank, nobody laughs like that.

Yeah, well, I'll prove it. I'll make her laugh.

How?

Just gonna rely on the old Lambert wit.

This could take all night.

[chuckles] Well..

Here we go. I got coffee, Luanne.

You want, uh, leaded or unleaded?

[guffaws]

Oh, golly.

He means regular or decaf.

- Oh, decaf. - Oh.

Carol, you have raised yourself

one heck of a nice family.

Just don't let Frank mess it up.

[guffaws]

Carol, these cookies are delicious.

- Are they home-made? - They sure are.

At least that's what they told me

at the bakery this morning.

[wheezing laugh]

[instrumental music]

[Bill] 'Thanks a lot for dinner.'

Oh-oh, looks like it was so good

that Frank decided to save some for later.

Whoop! Gotcha.

[wheezing laugh]

Hasn't she got the cutest laugh?

You guys are so much fun.

I'm really gonna enjoy being a part of this family.

[chuckles]

Well, we're gonna enjoy having you.

[wheezing laugh]

You lying stripper.

- Frank. - Oh, honey.

Can you believe that? She lied about everything.

I bet you she is no dental hygienist either.

Oh, somebody's gotta sit my dad down

and tell him the cold, hard truth.

Yeah, well, Frank, there's only one person who can do that.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll call my brother in Florida.

Frank, I meant you.

Oh, no, no, no, I-I can't talk to him.

I mean, my dad and I, we can talk about sports

and huntin' and snow tires

but never anything personal.

But, Frank, if your father marries

this woman, it could ruin his life.

I mean, who knows what else she's lied about.

- You've gotta talk to to him. - Carol, I can't.

Fine, don't talk to him.

Let him marry Luanne.

At least J.T. will be happy.

We'll give him a 16th birthday party

he'll never forget.

[instrumental music]

Here she comes. Now, go with me on this.

I had to tell a few white lies to get you this date.

Lies? What lies?

I told her you were smart.

Well, if I told her what an idiot you are

you think she'd be meeting you at all?

- Tina, hi. - Hi, Dana.

This is J.T.

Hi, Dana's told me a lot about you.

You know, I'm very interested in hearing about

the summer you spent working with the apes in Africa.

That's kind of a sensitive subject right now.

J.T. just found out that his favorite chimp, Bingo

was caught in a wildebeest stampede.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, it's just another monkey.

Well, I've got some shoppin' to do.

- I'll see you guys later, huh? - Bye.

So, Tina, what do you wanna do?

Well, I was thinking we can go to the art museum.

They just opened an exhibition of impressionists.

Oh, that'd be great. I love impressionists.

You know, I do a pretty fair Stallone.

[imitating Stallone] Hey, yo, Tina.

[indistinct TV chatter]

No, no, don't take that shot.

Three pointer, yeah.

Hey, guys, how is the game?

Just started, honey.

[whispering] Talk to him.

[indistinct TV chatter]

Oh, no, Turner.

Did you see what he did, Frankie?

He stripped the guy of the ball.

Oh, stripping.

Is that number 23 a good stripper?

Carol, honey, we're watching the game.

I know, I know, but I..

[indistinct muttering]

Just talk to him.

Uh..

Uh, uh, d-dad, can I talk to you?

Sure, son.

The Bucks just took timeout. We got two minutes.

What's on your mind?

Uh, it's about Luanne.

[chuckles]

Oh, she is certainly something, isn't she?

The more you see of her, the more you like her.

Oh, you got that right.

Alright, listen, dad, a-about a year ago

I went to a bachelor party.

You know, one of those things where a bunch of guys act silly

and half-naked girl jumps out of a cake.

[chuckles]

Well, what I'm trying to say is, um..

...that half-naked girl..

...was Luanne.

Luanne.

Oh, dad, I'm positive it was her.

It was the same eyes, the same laugh

the same body language.

It was Luanne.

I-I think I see what's going on here.

You can't handle me marrying a younger woman.

Dad, that's not it. She lied to you.

Who knows what else she not telling you?

And let's face it, you don't know very much about her.

I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you

make up wild stories about my future wife.

I just didn't want you to get hurt.

It's a little late for that, son.

Oh! Come on, dad. Wait.

Now, listen! You just live your life.

And let me live mine!

[door slams]

[mellow music]

Hey, J.T.

How was your date with Tina Gordon?

Tina Gordon?

How did you ever land a date with her?

I sold my soul to the devil, and her name is Dana.

Dana fixed him up.

I can't believe you sold out for a dame.

J.T., so how did your date go?

Next to moving in here, it was the worst experience of my life.

Tina was stuck-up, conceited, pig-headed snob.

It was like dating a better-looking version of you.

So Tina, who's a straight A student

and you, who has the IQ of a cabbage

didn't get along?

Gasp. What a shock!

[chuckles] Oh, you got him again, Dana.

Okay, you won this time.

But, to show you there's no hard feelings

I still picked up your dinner for you.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

J.T., you are a bigger man than I thought.

No, I'm not.

[screams]

[instrumental music]

Alright, Frank, why don't you

just call the hotel and talk to your dad?

Well, let me see.

The last time I followed your advice

he walked out on me.

Maybe this time, he'll disown me.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Frank.

Hi, Bill, come on in.

Thank you.

So, would you like a cup of coffee or something?

No, thanks, Carol. Thanks, just the same.

Well, great.

Yeah, I'll just be in the kitchen..

...not getting coffee.

Sit down. Please.

- Listen, son, there's.. - Listen, dad, I really..

Alright, you go first.

Uh, no. No, no, you-you go.

[sighs]

Listen, I owe you an apology.

The other night after I'd left here

and...cooled down a bit

I, I asked Luanne

if what you said was true.

She said it was.

- I'm sorry, dad. - Oh, no, don't be sorry.

Glad I found out.

Did she say why she lied to you?

Well, she said when we first met

she didn't think it was all that important.

And then, once we got serious, she..

She was afraid of losing me.

I know how disappointed you must be.

Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

Finding out your fiance is an ex-stripper

ain't all that bad, you know?

An ex-stripper?

Yeah, all of that's behind her now.

She's turning her whole life around.

She's even going back to school.

So, uh, what happens now?

Well..

...gonna put a hold on this marriage thing

until we get to know each other a little better.

- I think that's a good idea. - Yeah.

Thought that.

[sighs]

But, you know, the one thing that still bothers me

about all this..

I didn't believe you, son. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's alright.

You know, when I was young and you used to tell me

all kinds of things, I never believed you either.

[both chuckle]

Yeah, maybe we're just getting even, huh?

Yeah.

[mellow music]

Boy.

This is the first time we ever had a talk like this, huh?

It was great.

Maybe we should do it some more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Say, what time was that game on?

- It's about ten minutes in. - Oh, well, let's go for it.

- Yeah. - Oh, dad, you lost a button.

- What? - Oh, no!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]