Original subtitles

[theme music]

Okay, guys, now be completely honest.

Look at this ad.

Do I look like this model or not?

- Not. - Ugh.

How can you say that?

Everyone at school says I look just like her.

Are you kidding?

Her eyes are bigger

her hair is shorter and she's blonde.

Okay. But other than that, we're practically twins.

Oh, hi, guys.

You'll never guess what happened at work today.

Plumber showed up on time?

Get serious, pal.

Now, somebody called me from that television show

"America Up Close."

They're doing a special on blended families.

- What's a blended family? - That's us, Karen.

Our family living in the same house

with these cave people because mom fell in love

with Fred Flintstone.

No offence, Frank.

None taken, Bamm-Bamm.

Anyway, they want us to be one of the families on the program.

They're gonna be here tomorrow morning to film our segment.

Alright, we're gonna be on national TV.

- Alright. - Alright.

Exposure on national television.

Why, this could be the break my modelling career needs.

I see myself living in New York.

I see myself helping you pack.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪A second time around? ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪

♪ We got the kids and the clan ♪

♪ Only time will tell 'em ♪

♪ If all these dreams fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, honey, oh, you'll never believe

who's gonna be on "America Up Close."

- Cher. - Huh, no.

- Donald Trump. Julia Roberts. - No.

Kitty Kelly, The Judds.

One Judd. Give me a hint, Frank.

Us, the Lamberts and the Fosters.

- What? - Yeah, honey.

They're doing a special on blended families

and they asked if we'd be a part of it

and I said, "Sure, why not?"

Oh, Frank, this is so exciting.

Oh.

That is my favorite show!

Well, next to "The Young Riders."

[gasps] Oh, I've gotta tell someone.

Mom, mom, mom!

[grunts]

[chuckles]

That's pretty neat, huh?

- Neat? - Yeah.

Not to me, Frank.

Huh, I do not want

TV cameras all over our house.

I do not want our privacy invaded.

Honey, we have six kids.

We have no privacy!

Frank, call them up and tell them no.

Well, what's the problem? Why don't you wanna be on TV?

Frank, we've only been married two months.

We barely know each other.

Our kids fight all the time they can't stand each other.

Oh, yeah, but everybody's kids fight.

Yeah, well, let them be on TV, Frank.

I do not wanna share my problems with the whole world.

You've got to get us out of this.

Well, n-normally I-I would do just that, honey

but there's a little problem.

You signed somethin', didn't you?

[sighs]

Boy, you're really gettin' to know me.

[laughs]

- Frank, how could you do this? - No.

Carol, it's gonna be alright.

Now, I'm gonna talk to the kids and tell them

they have to be on their best behavior.

Oh, well, that oughta whip 'em into shape.

Carol, they really wanna do this.

And it's the first time they've agreed on anything.

- So, what do you say? - Aah!

I think it's a terrible idea.

I think you're making a huge mistake.

And we're all gonna look like bumbling moronic fools.

Oh, I knew you'd get behind it, honey.

I don't get it, dad. Why do I have to get dressed up?

'Cause Carol wants us to look good

when this thing is on TV.

Do I have to wear a tie?

You should be thankful she didn't ask you to wear a mask.

Hey. Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Remember, we're gonna try and keep a lid

on the wise cracks, okay?

[doorbell rings]

- That's them, I'll get it. - Okay.

No, no, no, you know, uh..

- You should get it. - Okay.

No, no, wait, I'll-I'll-I'll get it.

- Okay. - Mom. Mom, mom, mom.

Relax. I'll get it.

Okay.

- Hey, Dana! - Hey, Cody!

Dana?

What? I smiled.

[sighs]

Hi, Cody, how come you rang the bell?

You always used to just walk right in.

Oh, well, I never came in the front door before.

[laughs]

Pretty nice place.

Hey, Dana!

I know how much you like those big words.

[chuckles] So I bought you a dictionary.

Thanks, I was running out of names to call you.

Well, there's some pretty good ones in there.

[doorbell rings]

- 'I'll get it.' - Oh, okay, okay.

Hi, I'm Roger Keith, I'll be producing

your segment of "America Up Close."

- Ye-yeah. - Oh, hi, Frank, how are you?

Come in, come in.

Roger, uh, this is my wife, Carol.

Hi.

[chuckles]

And this is my son, J.T.

- Hi. - Hi.

And, uh, that's Dana. And my nephew, Cody.

Roger is here to do a television interview with us.

[chuckles]

No way!

[chuckles]

- You work in TV? - Well, uh, yes, yes, I do.

[chuckles] There's somethin' I always wanted to know.

How come there's no Channel 1?

Well, uh, what do you say we get started, okay?

Okay.

Alright, guys, come on in.

W-well, what do you want us to do?

Well, just what you usually do.

I-I want you to completely ignore these cameras

and just go about your daily lives.

Carol, I need help in the beauty shop.

[gasps] Wow! Men.

Fresh ones.

Well, if we're supposed to go about our daily lives..

[chuckles] ...hair is my life.

Uh, no, no, hair is not my life.

Uh, my family is my life.

A-and yeah, of course

Frank's family is my life too.

It's not like I have two lives.

[laughing]

Would you excuse me?

[screams]

She just gets a little nervous around the cameras.

Oh, sure, everybody does at first

but, uh, listen, I've produced hundreds of these segments

and I've noticed a very interesting phenomenon.

After a little while

people completely forget about the camera

and become totally themselves.

Hello, everyone.

Franklin, are these

the television people you spoke of?

Yes, yes, they are.

Who are you?

Oh, Franklin, I love your wit.

If I'm needed..

...be out on the terrace..

...breathing, touching, feeling

'cause living life is my obsession.

[instrumental music]

And as a b-blended family we find that dinner

is one of the most important times of the day.

It's a time to share, and a time to connect.

H-honey, honey, honey..

...we're supposed to pretend they're not here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Honey.

They're not here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I said I'm sorry.

Phew!

Oh, this is going to be hard.

Here for the phone!

- I called it! - Too bad, I got here first.

Who are you gonna call?

None of your friends know how to use the phone.

Oh, at least I've got friends. Who are you gonna call?

1-800-bow-wow, huh?

Ow! Don't pull my hair!

Ah! Aah!

[groaning]

[chuckles] They don't usually act like this.

They're just showing off because you guys are here.

Ow! You bit me!

[both screaming]

Excuse me.

Come. Come.

- Come here, you little-- - Go on catch me!

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait, a minute. What's going on here?

She stole my favorite scarf!

I didn't steal it. I borrowed it.

[chuckles] Oh. They're just kidding.

Come on, Al, give her back the scarf.

I don't want it now.

A pig's been drooling all over it.

Oh, you mean, one of your boyfriends wore it?

- I'll scratch your eyes out! - Oh, you might break a nail.

- Honey, honey. - Argh!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

[guitar music]

♪ Dana Dana Dana Dana ♪

♪ Your eyes are so blue ♪

♪ Dana Dana Dana ♪

♪ Your skin is so ♪

♪ New ♪♪

That is the worst song I have ever heard.

[scoffs]

You haven't heard this one yet.

- That is it! - Hey, I like his music.

You would, you're a jerk.

Hey, don't call my brother a jerk!

- Why don't you butt out? - Why don't you butt out?

- Why don't you move out? - Fine!

[clamoring]

Quiet! Time out! Cool it!

Turn off the camera! Everybody sit down!

- Except you, Frank! - Oh, yeah.

I want to see you in the other room, now!

- Not you! You! - Oh.

Frank, I don't want to say I told you so.

Yes, I do. I told you so!

Carol, I'm sure the cameras are going to catch everybody

in a better mood tomorrow.

No one is going to catch me in a better mood tomorrow.

Everything I was afraid would happen has happened.

Honey, they are just kids acting like kids.

[sighs] Our families hate each other

and the whole world's gonna see it on TV!

Well, not the whole world, honey.

Just the English speaking part of it.

I just can't take it anymore, Frank. I just can't take it.

If I see one more cameraman in my face, I'm gonna scream.

I wouldn't turn around.

[screams]

[Frank] 'Hey, Carol, where are you going?'

Someplace where I can be alone.

My bedroom!

[chuckles] She meant our bedroom.

[Carol] 'Not tonight, bucko!'

[laughs]

Oh, women. Always kiddin' around.

Are you taping this?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I think I'll just have some coffee.

Mom, could you take me to the mall?

Karen, I am not your chauffeur.

From now on, if you want to go someplace, take the bus.

The bus? What if someone sees me?

[sighs] Well, that's just a chance you'll have to take.

I am going for a walk.

Oh, you want some company?

Yeah, right. I-I'll catch up with you later.

Hey, dad, can I borrow five bucks?

I want to play some video games.

J.T., I gave you your allowance.

If you can't live on it, get a job.

That goes for the rest of ya.

Anybody needs me, I'll be in the living room.

Making my bed.

What's the matter with dad?

I've always been able to squeeze

a few bucks out of him.

Mom's never asked me to take

public transportation before.

That's 'cause your mom's so uptight.

She wasn't uptight until all these cameramen moved in.

'You know what I think we should do?'

I think we should talk about this later.

2 o'clock in the beauty shop.

Bring your Cro-Magnon family.

Man, for a geek, she's got a pretty mean headlock.

[instrumental music]

I'm really the most boring person in the family.

Ask anybody.

Oh, I trust you, kid.

Hi, I'm Penny

Carol's younger sister.

Oh! Oh, feel those biceps.

Do you work out?

'Not that it matters. Oh..'

Are you sure you weren't followed?

I was. But Aunt Penny cut 'em off with a pass.

Maybe one of these days she'll complete one. Oh!

Excuse me, but I've got eyebrows to pluck.

Can we get this meeting started?

Okay, we've gotta talk about the way

my mom and your dad are fighting.

Isn't fighting a good thing?

It could break them up and end this nightmare.

The problem is, they're not fighting enough to break up.

They're just fighting enough to get cranky

and make our lives miserable.

Well, we've got to do something.

I haven't been shopping since yesterday.

Hey, maybe the reason they're fighting

is because we're fighting.

Brilliant, Sherlock and when 20 million people

see us doing it on TV

Frank and mom are really gonna make our lives miserable.

So, what can we do?

If you want to get mom and Frank off our backs

we've got to come off like the perfect blended family.

Well, I'll give it a shot.

Hello, Dana, you certainly look lovely today.

Why, thank you, J.T.

is that your head, or did your neck throw up?

- Hey! - Hey!

Sorry.

Force of habit.

[sighs] This is gonna be hard.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles] So, how are things with you and the missus?

You'll have to ask her, she's not talking to me.

[scoffs] Don't worry about it, Uncle Frank.

The meaner they are, the more they love ya.

Well, just look at me and Dana.

Hello, Carol. How was your day?

Hello, Carol. How was your day?

Fine, Cody.

Alright, well, I softened her up for you, Uncle Frank.

Go for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Carol, you're just being silly.

Al, I really appreciate you going

to the fabric store with me today.

I just couldn't make up my mind

between the emerald green and the teal.

Well, Karen, I see your problem.

I mean, you look fabulous in everything.

[Karen] 'Oh, Al, you are so sweet.'

Well, I guess some of you was just rubbing off on me.

[laughing]

Who were those kids?

I don't know. I'm going to find out.

Boy, I'm glad you guys finally got home. I was worried sick.

Oh, J.T., you don't have to worry about us.

I can't help it. You're family.

Here, Al. You can be the top hat.

I know it's your favorite monopoly piece.

Gee, thanks.

You know, Dana, I've always wanted an older sister

and now I have two.

I am so blessed.

What is going on here?

Yes! Yes!

- Ow. - Boy, that's great, Brendan.

When I was your age, I couldn't even get 10,000 points.

Mark..

...you're letting somebody else use your video game?

Not just someone else.

My bud. My pal. My stepbro.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

Hold it!

Darn. Almost a clean getaway.

Alright. Sit down.

Carol and I couldn't help but notice

how well you kids are getting along.

Well, why shouldn't we, Frank?

We're just one big happy family.

Yeah, right. Well, we wanna know why.

We're not going to tell.

And nothing you say will make us talk.

Say goodbye to your video games.

Okay, okay. What do you wanna know?

[dice rattles]

[chuckles]

Oh, brother dear..

...you've mistakenly moved five places instead of six.

And what a co-incidence. Six sends you directly to jail.

Oh, no, dear stepsister, I definitely moved six places.

Perhaps you were counting with your bad eye.

Perhaps you were counting with your bad brain.

So we figured if we pretended to get along

you guys would stop fighting and get off our backs.

Is this true, Brendan?

I'm taking the Fifth Commandment.

Alright, you're free to go.

Uh, but don't leave town.

Boy, you sure crumbled like a cookie.

Give me my game. Ugh!

Well...this is pretty sickening.

Our kids are in the other room pretending to like each other.

But I thought that's what you wanted.

I don't want them to pretend.

I want them to really like each other.

Oh, Carol, that's gonna take some time.

Which is exactly why I didn't want those cameras in our house.

I mean, we're just learning to live together, Frank.

I don't wanna be under some microscope.

I really messed things up, didn't I?

Oh, Frank, I wouldn't say that.

I just don't know another way to say it.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love you, Carol.

And I really hate that couch.

Frank, I hate when you do that.

What?

Oh, you look at me with that cute face

and those sad little eyes, and then you apologize.

It makes it impossible for me to stay mad at you.

And I really wanna stay mad at you for a while.

Does that mean you forgive me?

Oh, yeah, I forgive you.

[sighs]

I really like makin' up with you.

[chuckles]

Me too. Hey, let's go watch our kids be nice to each other.

Yeah, we may not get another chance.

Really.

[J.T.] 'You wanna park right? You're gonna park right?'

Here, take the whole block!

Well, it sure is nice to see

the kids being themselves again.

And just think, Frank, through the magic of television

we'll be able to relive this moment

over and over and over.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]