Original subtitles

♪ I'm gonna spread my wings and fly right out to you ♪

♪ For much too long this little bird's been blue ♪

♪ I need a great big handsome male ♪

♪ To muss my feathers and pull my tail ♪

♪ And be with me so we can bill and coo Whoo! ♪

♪ I'm gonna spread my wings and fly so far away ♪

♪ Till I find the nest that's best for me to stay ♪

♪ So tell the robin and tell the dove ♪

♪ That little Miss Bluebird's fallen in love ♪

♪ And sings all day 'cause everything's okay ♪

♪ So tell the robin and tell the dove ♪

♪ That little Miss Bluebird's fallen in love ♪

♪ And sings all day 'cause everything's okay ♪♪

Here she is.

What do you think?

Perfect! Perfect! Will she cooperate?

A girl making 50 Hong Kong cents a dance? Of course she'll cooperate.

Now, pay close attention.

Dean's the name. Harry Dean.

May I present Emile Fournier, art dealer and connoisseur.

Enchanté, mademoiselle.

Won't you sit down?

How would you like to make $5,000?

Not Hong Kong.

5,000 United States of America dollars.

That's, uh,

five... zero... zero...

zero.

Good morning. My name is Dean. Harold Dean.

Ah, Sir Harold. Welcome to Dammuz.

I am J.K. Ram, the manager of the Semiramis Hotel.

Good of you to meet us, Ram. This is Lady Dean.

Ah, yes, Lady Dean.

I have a car for you, Sir Harold. Ah, yes.

If you will just be good enough to follow me.

Yes. Now about our luggage, old boy.

We don't want to lose that, now, do we?

No, of course not, Sir Harold. All such details will be taken care of.

Your luggage will be sent on to you later at the hotel. Right.

Thank you very much indeed. Not at all, Sir Harold. Not at all.

Oh, are you not coming with us?

No, I've one or two details to attend to.

I shall have the honor to see you later at the hotel.

Connect me with Mr. Shahbandar's private telephone immediately.

That is what I said, immediately!

Hello. Abdul!

Sir Harold and Lady Dean, sir. Of course.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

The royal suite is all ready for you.

If you would care to register, Sir Harold. Thank you.

Where can I cash a traveler's check, please?

At the cashier's, of course. Thank you.

If I may have your passport, Sir Harold. Yes.

Only a formality. We will return them immediately.

Please conduct Sir Harold and Lady Dean to the royal suite.

Yes, sir. This way, Sir Harold.

"Pictorial's Visit to the Richest Man in the World.

An Exclusive Look at the Shyest Billionaire...

and His Exotic Hotel-Apartment Hideaway.

Several times a year, mostly holidays,

Ahmad Shahbandar, believed by many to be the wealthiest man in the world,

journeys to Dammuz...

"and to his exotic penthouse in the world famous Hotel Semiramis."

Sit down, love. Sit down.

"While his less-exclusive countrymen...

make merry in the Casbah-flavored city,

this latter-day Arabian knight locks himself into his fortress,

to which only his most intimate associates have ever been invited."

We are gonna change all that.

Take a look at this.

That's Shahbandar.

Twenty years ago.

Now, take a look at the girl.

That's why you're here.

She died a year after they married. He never married again.

When he hears about you, he'll want to see you.

That means he has to see me.

The invitation should arrive any minute.

Come in.

What is it, Ram?

A very great honor, Sir Harold.

In the apartment of Mr. Ahmad Shahbandar.

Oh? Who's he?

Ahmad Shahbandar?

He owns this hotel, sir. He owns most of Dammuz.

Oh, he does, does he? Fancy that now.

Well, yes. I suppose I can fit him in.

Can you occupy yourself, my dear, while I have a drink with this... Shah chappie?

Oh, no, Sir Harold. The invitation is also for the Lady Dean.

Most assuredly for the Lady Dean.

Oh, really? All right then.

May I then come to collect you at ten minutes to six, sir?

Ten minutes to six it shall be, dear boy.

4279, please.

- Hello? - Oh, hello. It's Harold Dean speaking.

- This is me... Emile. - Have you made the delivery?

Yes, I have made the delivery.

Thank you. Good-bye.

You must bear in mind at all times...

that this image of his wife is Shahbandar's lifelong obsession.

For 20 years, he has never looked at another woman.

All he's ever wanted was a facsimile of her. Remember that.

That'll be Ram.

One last thing, at 11:30 no matter where you are.

No matter what you're doing, leave it.

Go to the airport, be there by midnight. The plane leaves at 12:30.

Come in.

It is ten minutes to six, Sir Harold.

Mr. Shahbandar awaits your presence.

We're right with you, dear boy.

Sir Harold, Lady Dean, if you'll follow me.

Lead on, dear boy. Lead on. Thank you so much, Sir Harold.

Well, there is only one entrance to Mr. Shahbandar's private apartments,

and that is through his personal elevator,

which was brought here all the way from Paris in his own personal aircraft.

And then of course, as you can see, he has his own personal bodyguard.

If you'll be so kind, Lady Dean, Sir Harold.

If you will permit me, Sir Harold, I shall now ascend the lift.

This mechanism is a little slow, I'm afraid,

but I believe we shall arrive there with perfect punctuality.

Just one moment. I've dropped my cuff link down the lift shaft.

Oh, my goodness gracious! Well, I shall get it for you later.

Not later, dear boy. Now.

But Mr. Shahbandar does not like to be kept waiting.

Yes, and I don't like to walk about half naked.

Why am I being kept waiting?

You must try to be patient, effendi.

The British aristocracy insists on arriving either too early or too late, but never on time.

And while we are waiting, would you care to make a decision about the Buddha?

What? I promised him an early reply.

How much? Only $5,000.

Extremely inexpensive.

All right, all right. Buy it.

It has to be down there somewhere, doesn't it?

Don't worry, Ram. We'll find it.

Ah, very nice.

Very nice indeed.

How many Rolls does Mr. Shahbandar own? Three, sir.

This one, the black one there and a new white one.

And how does one move these cars in and out of here?

In the usual manner, sir. Through the door.

- That is the door. - Goodness gracious.

Looks more like a safety curtain.

Here is the cuff link, Sir Harold. It was quite undamaged.

Good. I knew we'd find it.

Shall we go now, Sir Harold, Lady Dean?

Go along, darling. Could you fix this for me, dear boy?

It would be my pleasure, Sir Harold. My pleasure.

Thank you. You are most welcome, Sir Harold.

Ah, Sir Harold. May I present to you...

Ah, Mr. Shahbandar.

I am Mr. Shahbandar's secretary. Oh, I am sorry.

Welcome, Sir Harold, milady. This way, please.

Darling.

If you'll just make yourselves comfortable, Mr. Shahbandar will be here in a moment.

Thank you.

Sir Harold, how kind of you to come.

How do you do? May I present my wife?

Uh, please be seated.

May I offer you some refreshment? Perhaps a little champagne?

Oh, that'd be splendid.

Aren't you going to join us?

We are not permitted alcohol.

I expect you're wondering why I wanted to meet you.

The thought had crossed my mind.

I presumed you wanted to have a chat about the world oil situation.

A remarkable thing has happened.

You might even call it a miracle.

I don't know quite how to... How to explain it.

You have a very beautiful wife, sir.

Have you been married long? Four years.

You're fortunate.

I was married for only one year.

It was a wonderful year, but... it passed so quickly,

and then she was gone.

May I show you something...

Something quite extraordinary?

Certainly. Please come with me.

Always interested in seeing something extraordinary.

Uh, this is my office and library.

This way, please.

I must say, Mr. Shahbandar, you have some beautiful things.

This, for instance. Chinese, isn't it?

That's right. Yes.

You see?

This bust is of the Empress Lissu.

She was born in Burma 2,300 years ago,

the daughter of a Burmese mother and a Greek father.

She married the emperor of China when she was 12 years old.

I believe I gave the highest price ever paid for a work of art,

but that is not important.

You see, I had to have her...

because the face of the Lissu...

is the image of my late wife.

And now...

You understand now what I meant by a miracle?

It's... It's incredible! It's absolutely amazing.

At the risk of appearing bad-mannered, Mr. Shahbandar,

I wonder if I might have another glass of champagne?

Of course. Come, darling.

Indeed, now that you realize why I wanted to meet your wife,

I hope you'll have more than a glass of champagne.

I'd be greatly honored if you would dine with me.

Now, take Hutton. There's a cricketer for you.

They knighted him, you know. Jolly well deserved it too.

Most people, you know...

They think that cricket is solely for the Australians and the English.

But let me tell you this, Shahbandar,

the West Indians are playing better than we are at the moment.

Of course, I don't think they'll beat the Australians.

They're dedicated sort of chaps.

Good gracious, 10:00.

Nicole, my dear, we really must be going.

Going? But, uh... Must you really?

It is early. Could I not persuade you to...

Things to do, Shahbandar. Things to do.

I have to call London. Might even have to call New York, damn it.

I'm afraid your trip to the Arab Quarter has been knocked for a six, my dear.

I had promised Lady Dean a tour of your city,

but I'm afraid I don't have the time right now.

Well, it's been a delightful evening,

and we've thoroughly enjoyed it.

Come along, darling.

Sir Harold. I hope you won't consider it presumptuous...

I'm not quite sure how to suggest this, but...

I would consider it an honor and a privilege...

if you would allow me to show Lady Dean our beautiful city.

That's very kind of you, Shahbandar, but that's far too much trouble.

But I insist, please. With your permission, of course.

Uh... Very well then.

And thank you for your generosity.

Uh... Well, I suppose that just leaves me to say good night.

Thanks awfully for a wonderful evening.

Good night, darling.

And please bear in mind that Lady Dean does value her rest.

Don't be too late, darling. Toodle-loo.

There's the ticket to Hong Kong.

There's a passport made out in the name of Lady Dean to get you out of here.

And there's $5,000.

Your plane leaves in 15 minutes.

Good-bye, and thank you for your cooperation.

And that's the plan, Emile, down to the very last detail.

It can't fail. It's absolutely foolproof.

If it works the way you think it will work...

It works. They'll write us up in books. We'll be historical.

What do you know about her?

Her name's Nicole Chang.

French Canadian mother, Eurasian father. Displaced person.

Stateless? Yeah.

What makes you so sure she will cooperate?

Instinct, Emile. Instinct.

Dean's the name. Harry Dean.

Emile Fournier, art dealer and connoisseur, may I present...

I wanted you to follow me. So you did.

Why are you standing here? I thought you wanted to dance.

No, no, no. I want you to meet this friend of mine.

Oh, he wants to dance. Is he shy? No, we wanna talk to you.

No kidding? What about?

Well, it's about, uh... Look, let me put it this way.

If you would do me the honor of accepting my invitation, I assure you we will tell you.

Well, now, since you put it so gallantly, Mr. Dean, I can hardly refuse, can I?

You're so very kind.

Emile Fournier, art dealer and connoisseur, may I present...

Nicole Chang. Enchanté, mademoiselle.

Enchantée. Vous parlez français?

No, not really. Just a few phrases.

And I know one German limerick.

Yeah. Well, will ya... Will ya sit down, please?

Sorry.

Is there any particular subject you'd like to talk about?

How would you like to make $5,000?

Now that's a terrific subject.

I happen to be perfectly serious.

Serious is as serious does, Mr. Dean.

Then I will ask the question again, Miss Chang.

How would you like to make $5,000...

Very serious American dollars?

And a genuine, guaranteed British passport?

What would I have to do? Nothing too difficult.

Slide into some beautiful clothes.

Travel in first-class luxury.

Be entertained in top-notch style.

Pretend to be my wife. Oh. Pretend?

Yes. Just pretend, Miss Chang.

What's the catch, Mr. Dean? Is it dishonest?

Do I look like a crook?

You do a little. Right here.

On the left side of this cheek,

a kind of crooked little indentation all the way up to his eye.

Yeah. You do. You do look like a crook.

But then again, you can't tell the crooks...

from the good guys anymore, can you?

I mean, with all this secret stuff going on.

Genuine, guaranteed British passport?

Well, I'll do it.

This way to immigration, please. Watch your step.

This way, please. Immigration this way, please.

Will you please step this way? This way, sir. Thank you. This way.

I thought you said there'd be a Rolls-Royce. It'll be out front.

Do hurry, please. You're holding up the line.

Please have your baggage checks ready. Thank you.

This way to customs, please. Have your baggage checks ready. Thank you.

Thank you.

This way to customs, please. Have your baggage checks ready.

I happen to be Sir Harold Dean. Isn't there some way of avoiding these...

It's an international custom, Harry. Everybody has to do it.

Will you wait for me by the exit, darling?

Yes, Harry.

It is forbidden to take tips, effendi.

It's not a tip, dear boy. It's a bribe.

Well, that's quite another matter.

I shall move you through very quickly, sir,

and have your bags taken directly to the taxi.

There's no need for a taxi, dear boy. There'll be a Rolls-Royce waiting for me.

Do airplanes bother you? Nope.

You know, when you go from air travel to ground travel, it can affect your equilibrium.

My equilibrium is fine, thank you.

You're not still mad because I wore this dress instead of the red one, are you, Harry?

It is better for traveling, and I really...

Yes, yes. You explained all that at the Hong Kong airport.

So I did.

Well, I met this Norwegian ship's captain once... I think he was from Oslo...

And he had a theory about motion sickness.

Something to do with the relationship between your vision and the weight of your shoes.

He said he made a study of things like that.

Isn't it interesting how some people get attracted to things?

You know, I've come to realize in the past two weeks...

that you're a very difficult man to know.

I wish we'd come by boat.

I say. Would you tell your Mr. Ram...

that Sir Harold and Lady Dean are here and would like to have...

Step to the reception desk, sir. They'll take care of you there.

Well, if I were you, I would send it direct to his company.

I say. Yes, sir?

My name is Sir Harold Dean. Why wasn't my limousine at the airport?

Sorry, sir. It is no longer the policy of this hotel to send the limousine to the airport.

All right. Right. Get me your manager, Mr. Ram.

Mr. Ram is not with us anymore, sir.

I suppose you do have a suite reserved for me?

Yes, of course. Oh, really?

If you'd be good enough to register, please.

Thank you.

My key to room 325, please.

I shall be needing your passport, Sir Gerald.

It's Harold, with an "H."

Oh, yes. Of course.

816 and 817. This way, sir.

Something else missing, Harry?

No. No, nothing.

Thank you.

Harry, it's like a palace!

I never thought I'd be standing in a place like this!

Don't you think it's a palace too? Yes.

You know what it reminds me of? What?

It reminds me of Mrs. Peonski. Did I ever tell you about Mrs. Peonski?

I should think so. You told me about all the other chaps in your life.

She's not a chap. She's an old woman, and she came from Poland on a cattle boat...

and then rode all the way from Burma to Thailand on an ox.

Ah, here it is.

And all she had with her was a small paper sack.

Full of soap, I hope.

4279, please.

Will you play a little quieter, Nicole?

Nicole!

Whenever I think of Mrs. Peonski, I appreciate luxury more.

I'm going into the bedroom now. Promise?

Yes, 4279, please.

Hello, Emile?

- Who is this? - That call is for me!

Hello?

Operator, would you get me 4279 again, please? I think there's been a mistake.

It can't possibly be busy.

Would you please keep trying?

There's only one bed in here. Where are you going to sleep?

Sleep? Oh, nobody's gonna sleep anywhere.

If things will start going properly, we'll be out of here by midnight.

Midnight?

You mean we came all this way just to leave at midnight?

That's right.

I think I'm entitled to know a little more of what's going on. Don't you?

Funny you should say that.

I do think you are entitled to know a little bit more of what's going on.

Now, here is part two of your instructions.

This magazine's 10 years old. Turn to page 41.

Look at the funny hats they wore then, Harry.

And the hemlines... Well, never mind the hats and hemlines.

Turn to page 41.

Thirty-seven. Thirty-eight.

Forty-one.

Now take a good, hard look at that man.

I'm taking a good, hard look.

His name is Ahmad Shahbandar. Ahmad Shahbandar.

And he's the man we're here to meet.

He's the man we're here to meet.

He also happens to be the richest man in the entire world.

Hey, Harry.

There's no such thing as the richest man in the entire world.

It's like the highest star. It's like infinity...

Yeah, all right. The second richest man in the entire world.

The 27th! What difference does it make?

You don't have to get mad at me.

Your mind's always going off on some sort of tangent!

If it's not one thing, it's another. Either it's the ship's captain from Oslo...

or your Chinese nurse with the wooden toe...

or Mrs. Ponskiwonski's paper ox!

It's not Ponskiwonski. It's Peonski.

And it wasn't a paper ox, it was a paper sack.

I can't help it if my mind takes a tangent every now and then.

Well, it's driving me round the bloody bend!

All right. All right.

So you've made an appointment with this richest man in the entire world. Is that it?

If you will read the magazine as I ask, you will see he does not make appointments...

Because he is a recluse!

Then why does he want to see us? A recluse doesn't see anybody.

A recluse... That's why. That's why.

Who is this, his wife? Was his wife. She's dead.

You made me look like this dead lady.

Exactly. And when Shahbandar learns about you,

we will be invited to meet him.

Between now and midnight?

Yes. And then what?

Whatever it is, Harry,

if I were the richest man in the world,

I certainly wouldn't fall for this.

Well, you're not, and he will.

When he does, you just do as you're told...

and listen to the instructions I'm about to give you.

You understand? Yes, Harry.

I have already taken care of Oriental Steamship. Yes.

They agreed to my price... $15 million.

I know.

Anytime.

Fifteen million for Oriental Steamship?

Ahmad, you're a genius.

Hardly, Abdul, hardly.

You won't forget the Buddha, Mr. Shahbandar?

Hmm? The Buddha from the Frenchman, Fournier.

You remember him. He did an excellent reproduction for us a few years ago.

How much? 5,000.

Quite reasonable.

Perhaps too reasonable. I'll think about it.

Arlette, would you mind leaving us for a moment?

No, Abdul. If I were a genius, I would understand this.

I would understand exactly why this particular face...

has arrived at this particular hotel.

They flew TWA from Karachi. They have a 48-hour visa.

The man is 30 years old.

He was born in London and he was wearing an Etonian tie.

This is too good to be true.

Imagine my reaction when I first saw her in the hotel lobby.

The resemblance is absolutely astounding.

It's like magic.

Perhaps too much like magic.

Have them watched.

Yes, Ahmad.

No matter what you're doing, leave it.

Go to the airport. Be there by midnight.

I'm supposed to drop everything, no matter where I am?

That's right.

Is that all you're going to tell me?

That's all you have to know.

Now just follow your instructions and retire gracefully. Right?

Yes, sir.

Sir.

Hello, this is Sir Harold Dean.

Twenty minutes ago I asked you for 4279. Where is it?

Would you mind hurrying, please?

Come with me.

Lady Dean has retired gracefully and is unpacking.

Will you come with me, please?

Why? Where are we going?

We're going to find Emile. Emile?

I thought he was in Hong Kong.

No, he's here. Now will you stop asking questions?

It's only human to be curious, Harry.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, you're far too human.

Vous restez ici quelques minutes pour moi.

Merci.

Harry.

I have the funniest feeling.

Harry? What is it?

You're not one of those spies who gets blown up, are you?

What are you talking about? We're being followed.

Are you at it again? Who's following us, your Aunt Minnie from Manchuria?

I don't know their names, but they've been behind us ever since we left the hotel.

Are you sure?

They're fingering trinkets at the purple booth. Purple booth?

Why is it that people who follow people always end up fingering trinkets?

I don't know, but they're fingering trinkets all right.

Come with me.

Nicole?

Nicole?

Hello. Could I have a drink of something, please?

Do you know you've been gone 20 minutes?

Do you know you have very nice eyes for a man who never smiles?

Where you been? Moving in and out of car doors.

Do you realize what sort of place this is?

You could be bought and sold for half a crown.

Were you worried about me? Not at all!

I was worried about losing those two men.

No, no. That's where you weren't being tricky enough.

I let them follow me back to the taxi.

I got into the back seat of the taxi and I told the driver to drive away.

They got into their car and followed the taxi.

Only they didn't suspect that I've been to the cinema many times...

and knew to crawl out of the other side of the taxi before my driver even left,

which means that their car is still following my taxi.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I found Emile.

You what?

He said, "Please tell Harry everything is all right.

I have made the delivery."

I don't know what it means, but it must be very good.

You are the most infuriating person I have ever met in my life.

But, Harry! My drink! I'm thirsty!

The message desk, please.

This is Sir Harold Dean. Are there any messages for me, please?

"May your stay in Dammuz be all you have ever desired."

Harry Dean, you're a major confusion to me.

Are you absolutely sure? Absolutely.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I never would've thought you were the type to send a lady flowers.

You're one of those people who live in spurts, aren't you? Spurts?

Mm-hmm. I know all about it.

It has to do with emotional contradiction.

A psychologist tried to explain...

Don't you ever simply come to the point about things?

But the point is simply...

I find it touching that you sent me a bouquet of flowers.

"Compliments of the management."

I'm sorr... I'm sorr...

Sir Harold Dean? Yes?

Oh. Thank you.

"Mr. Ahmad Shahbandar requests the pleasure of the company..."

Of Sir Harold and Lady Dean to luncheon at one...

Luncheon? I don't wanna go to luncheon. I wanna go to dinner.

At the Osiris. What the hell is that?

I don't want lunch at the Osiris! I wanna see his apartment!

Something else gone wrong, Harry?

No, no. Everything's fine. Thanks.

Then why are you standing there like a wounded basset hound?

Oh, yes, yes. Very helpful. Very.

All I'm trying to say is I know what it's like when things don't go right.

Maybe I can help you, Harry, if you'll only let me try.

Look, I happen to have a foolproof plan.

And the only way you can help me...

is by doing the right thing when you meet Shahbandar.

Speak when you're spoken to. Smile if he makes a joke.

Always use the right knife and fork.

And if you don't know which one to use, watch me.

And never, under any circumstances,

talk about your psychologist and his emotional contradictions, understand?

Yes, Harry.

Lady Dean. I am Ahmad Shahbandar.

Sir Harold. How do you do?

I'm so pleased you were able to accept my invitation.

My pleasure. Always ready to discuss the oil situation. I presume that's why we're here.

Oil. Yes.

Ah, yes, of course. A favorite subject of mine.

There is nothing like discussing a favorite subject with someone from the old school, is there?

So true.

Who was headmaster in your day, Sir Harold? Headmaster?

At the old school. Your Etonian tie.

Ah, yes. What was his name now?

Uh, nasty old chap. Name began with an "M."

What a perfectly lovely setting for luncheon, Mr. Shahbandar.

Thank you.

Shall we be seated?

Lady Dean. Sir Harold.

You know, Mr. Shahbandar, you're not at all what I expected.

Oh? No.

I expected a monocle, a fez, a high fancy collar perhaps.

You're nothing like the pictures I've seen of you.

What you speak of is the, uh... well, the public Shahbandar, or was.

I discovered early in life, Lady Dean,

that newspaper people prefer to think of rich men as eccentrics.

I encourage that fallacy and manage to retain my privacy.

Chinese?

Yes. Ming Dynasty. Are you fond of amber, Sir Harold?

Yes, I've always been fond of amber.

Then you must know what the Chinese say about it.

Oh, yes. Uh, how does that go now? Uh... Uh...

"Amber is the soul of the tiger turned to stone."

Why do you fly the multicolored flag, Mr. Shahbandar?

Is it a special occasion? A very special occasion.

Not only are you my guests, but it is the feast day of Ali Hajj.

Perhaps you know the legend.

It's the story of a young boy, Ali Hajj,

who was given three wishes.

His first wish was for good health; His second, for great happiness...

And the third was for great wealth, I suppose.

It always is with these wish things. Not always, Sir Harold.

Ali Hajj considered health and happiness all the riches he required.

And so he gave his third wish to the people,

that all who are in Dammuz on this day, today,

should have one wish come true.

Even our guests may have a wish.

What a perfect day to have arrived in Dammuz.

Uh... Have you made a wish, Mr. Shahbandar?

Not yet, but I will.

You, Sir Harold... Have you a wish for today?

Well, I-I suppose I shall have to give that some thought.

What a careful man you are.

Lady Dean?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I've just thought of something I'd like to wish. Ah.

I wish that the public Mr. Shahbandar...

would permit my husband and myself the honor...

of a further glimpse of the private Mr. Shahbandar.

We understand that your apartment is... is magnificent. Don't we, Harold?

Quite.

My apartment? Yes.

You wish to see it? Could we?

That is a wish I can easily grant anytime.

Well. What a lovely day.

"Dean, Sir Harold Everett.

Sixth baronet. O.B.E., J.P. Born 1892."

A bit elderly for our man, I should think.

"Dean, Sir Harold Bingley Roger, K.C.B., K.B.E.

"Lieutenant General, retired." Read on.

"Dean, Sir Harold de Vere Morgan, K.C.M.G.

British ambassador to the Netherlands."

Well, so much for his title.

I doubt that he is listed in any other record books either. Certainly not at Eton.

He's an impostor. Obviously.

Well, what does he want?

At the moment, he wants to see my apartment.

Go and fetch them. I've invited them to tea.

Ahmad, what on earth for?

Come, come. Have you no sense of... curiosity?

This couple have staged an elaborate and no doubt costly production for my benefit.

I wouldn't dream of missing the second half of the performance.

The performance... or her?

You must occasionally leave me my little secrets, Abdul.

Go and fetch them.

Your cuff link, Sir Harold. Thank you.

Is there something that, uh, puzzles you, Sir Harold?

No, it's just that I imagined it would be quite different.

Thank you, Abdul. Different?

Well, as a matter of fact, it was different. Yes.

I remember a few years back, in a moment of weakness,

I permitted an American magazine to photograph it all.

As soon as the pictures were published, I completely redecorated.

The private Mr. Shahbandar versus the public one.

Partly, yes. In any case,

contemporary furnishing gives a better setting for my art collection,

of which perhaps you've heard.

I chose this room for my paintings.

You'll find a somewhat varied selection,

from the chiaroscuro of the Dutch masters...

to the symbolic fantasy of Chagall, Matisse, Picasso.

Yes, yes. Very nice. Very nice indeed.

Is this your entire collection, Mr. Shahbandar?

No. I have other things in other rooms.

You approve, Lady Dean? Oh, very much.

Um...

It's one of his earlier paintings, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Yeah. Interesting.

Picasso, and one of his best, I always think.

Uh... Oh, the Blue Period.

Yes. 1906.

Was it 1906? Or was it 1907?

No, I think perhaps you're right... 1906.

I must congratulate you, Lady Dean, on your knowledge of art.

Oh, thank you.

One rarely sees so many originals.

Oh, they must be worth thousands.

Hundreds of thousands. Yes!

And you, Sir Harold. Have you any special favorites?

I beg your pardon? Have you any special favorites?

Ah... Well, it's difficult to say.

Uh, I really must confess that my great weakness...

is sculpture.

Is it? Yes.

Then we have something in common, Sir Harold.

My greatest treasure is a piece of sculpture.

Oh, really? Would you care to see it?

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Hmm.

Remarkable, isn't it?

Remarkable.

I mean the likeness.

Yes, it... it's really quite extraordinary.

An almost unbelievable coincidence.

I thought it would surprise you.

It did me when I first set eyes on you, Lady Dean.

This is the Empress Lissu.

It is said that Marco Polo found her in China and brought her to Rome.

She is the most magnificent example of early Chinese art.

- What are you thinking? - Thinking?

I mean, what do you think, Lady Dean, about my most prized possession?

I'm stunned!

Hmm.

They said when the empress was alive,

there would never be another to match her beauty,

nor her purity,

and yet it seems that, um...

Is it... very valuable?

Oh, priceless, yes.

My friends believe I paid such an enormous sum for it...

because of its uncanny resemblance to my late wife.

Aren't you afraid of it being stolen?

Not really, Lady Dean.

Although her original owner is supposed to have kept 100 guards...

to watch over her day and night.

Uh, stretch out your hand, Lady Dean, as if to touch her.

- My hand? - Yes.

I'm so sorry to have shocked you.

You can release the doors now.

You see, Lady Dean, in this modern age,

a simple electronic device is all the protection necessary.

See those little lights around the edges?

Each is an electronic eye...

that sends a ray down to these receptacles on the floor.

I love gadgets.

This one isn't particularly ingenious, but, uh...

Well, it's good enough, don't you think?

At the risk of appearing bad-mannered, Mr. Shahbandar,

I wonder if I might have a drink?

But of course. Please.

It's difficult to tear oneself away, is it not, Sir Harold?

Practically impossible.

Now, what may I offer you, Sir Harold?

A little cocktail or something stronger, perhaps? Lady Dean, some tea?

I won't have anything, thank you.

We've taken quite enough of your time already.

We should be going, Harold. Oh. You have an engagement?

No hurry, darling. We're not catching any trains.

I'll have a whiskey and soda, please, and I'm sure Lady Dean would love some tea.

Good.

Milk? Thank you.

You know, Lady Dean, I have not yet made my wish for Ali Hajj.

It is my wish that you will both be my guests for dinner tonight.

Love to show you our city, especially today in its most colorful moment.

Impossible, I'm afraid. I'm expecting some important telephone calls this evening.

I see. What a pity.

It seems that my wish cannot come true.

Yes, it is a shame. Cheers.

Oh, now... Now, wait a minute.

You can have half a wish.

There's no reason why Nicole shouldn't enjoy herself.

- Perhaps Lady Dean would prefer... - - No, no! Nonsense.

She'd love to go with you, wouldn't you, Nicole?

You've made my wish come true, Mr. Shahbandar.

I'd be delighted to do the same for you.

Thank you, Lady Dean. I'm honored.

And now, I think I will have a drink.

Sir Harold,

to whatever you may wish for yourself today.

I've got him! I really got him!

I held out the bait. He bit, and I hooked him.

And as for you, you were marvelous. Absolutely marvelous!

Much better than I ever expected.

Fancy you knowing all about Matisse, Chagall,

the Dutch masters and their Blue Period and all that.

No, you were great. Absolutely great!

And as for that stuff about the Chinese jade and the proverbs,

I don't know how you thought of it all.

Here.

I bet you do know all about dragons, don't you?

What's the matter with you then?

I asked you right at the start if this job was honest, and you said yes.

On the contrary. I said, "Do I look like a crook?" and you said yes.

So I took it for granted that you knew it wasn't exactly honest.

I didn't expect tea at Buckingham Palace,

but I never dreamed you'd think of getting me involved...

in something like stealing that statue up there.

If you're gonna break the law, you might as well do it properly.

And what do you think you're doing? Leaving.

Oh, really?

I don't like being lied to, I don't like being taken advantage of,

and I don't like crooks.

We made a deal, remember? I'm paying you $5,000 for this.

A lot of good that'll do me in jail.

Nobody's going to jail. I've worked out everything perfectly.

It'll have to work perfectly without me.

If I'm as terrible as that, why did you accept Shahbandar's invitation if you'd no inten...

Me accept it? You didn't give me a chance to refuse!

While we're on the subject of Shahbandar, don't you underestimate him.

Or me! A lot of money's been spent on this operation,

what with airplane fares, hotels, most of my clothes,

all of yours, including the dress you're wearing!

You can have them all back, including the dress I'm wearing.

Besides, I'm saving you $5,000 by leaving.

So, after all this time and all I've done for you, you're leaving me in the lurch.

I'm getting out of this place as quickly as I can,

and if you had any brains, you'd do the same thing.

I have no intentions of leaving,

but if you don't want to fulfill your obligations, that's just too bad.

I'll do it alone!

And put those hangers back!

I'm sure I have something for you.

I have this. No, no, no. That's too big.

We have this.

How about this? Is this for sale?

Yes, it is. I'll take that.

Would you wrap it up for me, please?

I'll take these as well.

Here you are, sir... Lighter fuel.

Yeah. Uh, do you have lighter fuel in a glass bottle?

Yes. Bottle? Yes. Yes.

Bottle, sir. That's it. How much is that?

Two francs.

You said you were leaving.

I have a dinner engagement.

I thought you changed your mind about dinner.

I changed it back again. Oh? Why?

'Cause when you come right down to it,

I can't bear the thought of your spending the next 20 years in an Arab jail,

even though you are a crook.

Do you know, that's the nicest thing anybody...

Ever said to me.

I don't doubt it.

If you're gonna have dinner with Shahbandar,

why are you wearing that dress with your hair down?

This is my dress, and I like it,

and I think Mr. Shahbandar is going to like it...

and the way I've done my hair, whether you like it or not.

Do you understand?

I like the way you look, Nicole.

Thank you.

Mr. Shahbandar's compliments, milady.

Exquisite.

If I may say so, Lady Dean,

your husband is very foolish to be so dedicated to his work.

My husband is an ambitious man.

With him, his work comes first.

And the idle shall benefit.

You must forgive my not offering you a cocktail,

but I thought you might wish to see something of our city before the sun sets.

Oh, I'd like that. Good. Then shall we go?

No. This way, please.

I have a few surprises for you first.

Speaking of surprises,

I thought it rather strange you didn't know of the likeness between you and my Lissu.

Is there any reason why I should have?

Perhaps not. Your husband seemed to know.

He took it so... so calmly when I showed him the Lissu.

My husband never shows his emotions. He's English, you know.

Ah, yes, of course. The English.

Now, this room will interest you.

It's unique of its kind.

As you already gathered this afternoon, Lady Dean, I have a passion for gadgets.

Are you ready?

Am I ready for what?

Watch.

We are going up one floor.

I'm so disappointed Sir Harold isn't with us.

I'm sure he would've liked seeing the city in this way.

Business affairs so often prevent us from really enjoying ourselves.

Don't they?

You don't mind flying, I hope? But of course not.

You must've flown thousands of miles with your husband.

Hundreds of thousands.

Thank you.

Mr. Shahbandar's apartment, please.

This is Sir Harold Dean. Could I speak to Lady Dean, please?

Oh, she has? Oh, all right. Thank you.

Oh, by the way, does Mr. Shahbandar own a helicopter?

Oh, he does?

What you see now is something of a potpourri of past and present.

There is so much to become acquainted with here.

Is there a chance your husband's business will keep him in town longer than he thinks?

Oh, no, I don't think so. Perhaps we'll stay longer next time.

I hope you will.

We're going to land over there by those trees.

I have a car waiting to take us to the old quarters where the festivities are.

It is always like this on the Feast of Ali Hajj.

Everybody's happy, hoping his wish will come true.

Buy a scroll, effendi. Buy the scroll of Ali Hajj.

It will bring much luck and good fortune to you and your lady.

Luck and good fortune to you...

and, of course, to Sir Harold.

Lady Dean, may I present Colonel Salim. Colonel Salim, Lady Dean.

How do you do?

I asked Colonel Salim to join us because I thought your husband...

would be happier if we were chaperoned.

No one could make a more suitable chaperone than the colonel.

He's our chief of police. Oh, really?

Oh, how interesting.

Salim and I have been friends for years. We have many interests in common.

He also shares my enthusiasm for gadgets.

In fact, it was he who helped me to perfect all those little electronic devices...

to protect my paintings and sculpture.

One of these days, we hope to test them out. Don't we, Salim?

If you'll excuse me for one moment, I'll be right back.

Hotel Semiramis, please.

Thank you.

Fire! Fire!

There's a fire! Quick! Quick, look! Look.

There's a fire! There, look!

Get the extinguisher! Come on, quickly! Come on! Come on!

Harry?

Harry!

Bravo!

Harry?

What are you doing in Shahbandar's bedroom? It goes up and down.

- What does? - The bedroom. It's one of his gadgets.

It goes all the way to the roof... Why are you dressed like that?

- I just left Shahbandar in a rest... - Shh!

I sneaked out and got ready to leave.

Harry, he's planning some dreadful trap for you.

There's a fire escape out here. We can get out this way.

If you think I'm gonna pack it in now, you must be mad.

Harry, be sensible! He'll be here any minute!

Shut up!

You'll never get through there, Harry.

If you're so determined to go through with this, why don't you let me help you?

I can get through there now.

You sure?

Go on then.

You're a clever girl, and I love you.

Get out! I'll meet you at the airport!

To the airport, please.

Very bright.

Bring them back.

Thank you very much. Just a minute! Just a minute!

There are police everywhere. We can't leave together.

Here's your ticket and your passport.

They'll never recognize you on your own.

Get on a plane, and I'll meet you in Hong Kong. But what about you?

Don't worry about me. I'm taking another route. It's all been arranged.

I'll see you.

Go on. Go on!

Twenty francs, please, sir. Airport tax.

Flight 702 to Karachi...

Immigration is to your left, sir.

Rangoon, Bangkok and Hong Kong...

is now ready to board at Gate 2. Your passport and ticket, please.

Which is your luggage, Miss, uh, Chang?

No luggage.

That will be 10 francs, please. Airport tax.

Immigration is over there.

Your plane will be leaving in 15 minutes. Thank you.

Will Mr. Henry Miller please come to the TWA counter?

Passengers holding for filled space on Flight 702,

on board immediately, please.

Through that door. Have a good trip, Miss Chang.

One moment, Miss Chang.

Good morning.

You look a little different this morning.

Come and sit down.

I trust you slept well.

You must forgive my not waiting, but I breakfast rather early.

There's fresh fruit and juices, coffee and rolls.

Strange, is it not, how we, uh...

How we spend time with people...

and still can't be certain what they are really like?

So many of us posing as one thing...

In reality, being something quite different.

Your young man, for instance,

fashioning himself as some sort of clever high society burglar.

He didn't play his part very well, did he?

He got away, but he'll be caught.

While you've been sleeping, my people in London have been learning...

precisely who and where he is.

One telephone call to Hong Kong...

can have Mr. Dean shackled and flying back here within a few hours.

However, as I, uh...

As I took you and your friend rather too lightly...

and played a game with you...

and lost,

I'll put off making that telephone call.

Instead, I have decided that you will go on to Hong Kong...

and tell Mr. Dean that unless my Lissu is returned,

he will be apprehended and punished for his crime.

Punished severely, I assure you.

That's all I have to say.

Perhaps reading this dossier will be an inducement for you...

to help put an immediate end to this ridiculous crime spree of his.

Thank you.

Good-bye, Nicole.

The Lissu will now always remind me of you...

when I get her back.

Where the devil have you been? Oh, Harry!

I've met every plane for the past 48 hours.

Listen to me! You listen to me.

I've got a message for you from Shahbandar.

Forget Shahbandar. You can't forget Shahbandar. He's not gonna forget you.

I said forget Shahbandar. You must send the head back.

I can't send the head back. You must send the head back.

Shahbandar knows you're here and has people watching you right now!

I didn't steal it. Don't joke with me now.

I am not joking with you. I didn't steal the head.

You don't seem to understand.

He can have you shackled and flown back on a plane to Dammuz within the hour.

I'll bet you $5,000 and a British passport that I didn't steal the head.

"The smile of the Buddha covers a multitude of sins."

Stop. Shall we call it a draw?

"Harry Dean."

Arrived a few hours ago.

Now, look.

There's nothing inside. I've checked.

Welcome back.

You know, Salim, I don't consider myself an unintelligent man,

but for the life of me, I can't understand...

why they should go to all this trouble and expense...

in order not to steal it.

The answer is very simple.

We needed the publicity, and we got it,

all over the world.

Publicity? For what?

I'll tell you. Two years ago, for insurance purposes,

Shahbandar commissioned Emile to make a copy of the Lissu.

Now, Emile is something of a genius...

when it comes to copying the work of others.

So, does he stop at making one copy?

You bet your life he doesn't.

He makes a second copy,

a reproduction that is so perfect...

it is impossible to tell it from the original.

It is my finest work.

I found a clay 2,000 years old in Mongolia.

I used the same tools, the same method of baking as they did in ancient times.

Every art expert in the world will believe that this is the original.

And what happens when Shahbandar announces he has it back?

We already have three offers from people who don't care what Shahbandar announces...

because they believe that Shahbandar has the copy...

and this is the original.

Who thought up this whole idea? He did.

Who paid for it? Who financed it?

He did.

Of all the nasty, low-down,

underhanded, despicable tricks!

You're not even honest enough to be crooks!

- Now, hold on a minute! - You hold on a minute, Harry Tristan Dean!

You've done your best to turn me into a thief.

Now you wanna turn me into a swindler.

Maybe you'd like to lead a life of crime, but count me out!

Who told you my name was Tristan?

I know lots about you, Tristan.

Nobody knows my name is Tristan.

Your father's name was Eric. Your mother's name was Mary.

You grew up on the London docks and ran away from home at 17 to join the navy.

You've never been married and had your tonsils out at the age of 18.

Who told you my name was Tristan?

It was in Shahbandar's dossier.

And you won the Ping-Pong championship during the Korean War with His Majesty's fleet.

You've never been in jail and never even been arrested,

so this is probably your first crime.

There's lots more I'd like to know about you, Harry Tristan Dean,

but if you insist on this ridiculous crime spree, what's the point?

Excuse me!

Nicole, stop! What for?

I-I'll... show you something.

I'm sorry, Emile.

I suppose this is the end of a...

beautiful friendship.

Well, I'll help pay for all the cost of everything.

Good-bye.

Forgive me, if you can.

I do love you.

Come on.

I'm sorry, Emile.

It's for the best.

I'm sure you can find something honest to do with all that Mongolian clay.

Emile Fournier speaking.

Yes. Come at once.