Original subtitles

[audience chuckling]

[Rory] Fuck does that joke start?

[audience chuckling]

-[chuckling] -Shut up. Just give me a fucking second.

All y'all acting like when you shoot your specials

you're just fucking, uh, invincible.

I'm just gonna fucking wing it.

[audience cheering]

Now it sounds like I set that up

just so I go, "I'll fucking wing it, dude."

Why would anyone like it? I'm clearly having a mental breakdown.

"I like that he winged it, but I don't love that he had to."

It's kind of like if you still listen to Thriller or not. You know what I mean?

[chuckles]

I don't like that he did that,

but… [hesitates] …it's a good album.

[chuckling]

When that guy moonwalked, weren't we all like,

"Hmm, this guy does stuff a little bit backwards."

You know what I mean?

All right, I'm gonna say that joke again and just see if it comes to me,

but it's not really there.

Um…

I know this is awkward.

Uh, I'm gonna say it again.

And honestly, if you don't even want to respond

because you have heard it and I just delayed us that long,

don't.

It's my fault.

It's my fault what's happening.

But if you wanna go even more crazy,

so when people watch at home, they're like,

"I don't know. That response just doesn't really match."

"You sure this thing isn't, like, fucking very edited?"

[chuckles]

I say that joke and you guys are like…

"Yeah!"

[roars]

Nobody do that. Or do. Or everyone do that.

Just in case that's not coming through, I'm trying to tell Christian Republicans,

you are fake as fuck.

[audience cheering]

No! No!

-We can't use that. -["Tournament" playing]

♪ And that's fine ♪

♪ I'm wasting away ♪

♪ I took the long road home ♪

♪ And it never paid off for me ♪

♪ But to feel the proof As I'm walking around the city ♪

♪ In a torrent of rain… ♪

[kids yelling playfully]

♪ To feel the proof As I'm walking around the city ♪

♪ In a torrent of rain ♪

♪ In a torrent of rain ♪

♪ But you can see for yourself ♪

♪ I'm not rushing away ♪

♪ I'm not rushing away ♪

[man] There he goes.

-[cheering, applause] -♪'Cause I've been waiting ♪

♪ For a long, long time… ♪

[cheering, applause continues]

[mouthing silently]

♪ Watching ♪

♪ And I've been waiting For a long, long time ♪

[cheering, applause continues]

Holy shit, Seattle.

[audience applauding]

[Rory] Holy fuck.

I can't believe we're making you clap like that.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate that.

It's good to be in a blue state.

[audience cheering]

It's not quite as fun as the red ones,

but we'll do what we can do.

All right, blue state, blue city.

I think we all know what lives just beyond the trees.

[chuckles]

And their powers are growing.

No, I like it. I like doing the shows in the red states.

You guys know me.

I slant a little more conservative than most.

A lot of people think I do liberal material,

but, uh, I'm actually more… more conservative.

I don't know if you guys have your fingers on the pulse of stand-up these days,

but if us… [chuckles]

…us comics, we got to go red if we wanna make a little green.

You know what I mean?

That time has come for me.

And then on the back end, you get to be like,

"Well, I didn't know it was gonna be like that."

Remember the first time you ever heard about militias,

you were like, "What? Do what now?"

"What is that?"

Even as a kid…

even as a kid, it didn't make sense to you.

"We train. We train out in the woods."

"We train, in case the government ever gets a little too authoritative."

"That's when we step in."

"We're the militias."

I don't know if you guys know any.

Maybe let them know the game has started.

[chuckling]

I would do it.

I haven't been training in the fucking woods.

I've been doing this like a dipshit.

So if y'all know any, go tap them on the shoulders.

Be like, "Hey, look, not even trying to interrupt."

"Just wanna let you know

that for sure the other team is on the field."

"They're definitely on the field right now."

I'm kidding.

You can't do that.

The government hired all the militias.

Dress for the job you want.

The government went up to the militias,

"Wait, what if we're not the bad guys?"

And the militia was like, "Wait. What? What?"

"What? We've been training."

"We've been training like you guys were the bad guys."

"Who are the bad guys?!" [chuckles]

The government was like,

"What if the voiceless are the bad guys?"

"Oh!"

"That's why they've been so quiet."

[chuckling]

You know, during COVID,

those ICE motherfuckers hated masks.

They sure as shit wear them to work every day now. Don't they?

[audience whooping]

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

I don't need any goddamn teammates tonight.

I stand alone.

I'm just glad they figured out the breathability in those things.

Remember during COVID?

[shouting] "I can't breathe in this!"

Now they're running a hundred yards,

and I am being so generous with that distance.

Obviously, if anybody here is in a militia or ICE,

I'm fucking joking.

Can we not tell jokes anymore?

You gonna act like a bunch of liberals, or can we fucking tell jokes?

[whooping in audience]

[Rory chuckles]

No, look, if there are any Christian Republicans here tonight,

and I razzmatazz you a little bit,

I want you to know it…

it actually comes from a place of jealousy.

Yeah, I wish I was like you. I'm not.

I voted blue my whole life. I'm 45 now,

and I realized I fucked up.

I fucked up.

I see you. I see you out there,

and you're having so much more fun than me.

I want that.

God, I could've had it.

Could've had it.

Grew up in South Carolina, conservative state.

Was raised Christian.

Could've stayed there. Could've kept my fucking mouth shut.

But no,

I had to take a shining to spoken word…

move away, and develop empathy

and compassion,

and learn that the world is filled with other people.

And it… it…

That sucks.

Don't do it that way.

It sucks.

I don't want to be like that anymore. It's difficult.

I see a homeless person,

my heart is, like, shattered.

I'm like, "I don't really know what we do here."

"A couple bucks doesn't fucking help anybody."

"It's a bigger thing."

"And I don't know what the solution is."

I can't live like that anymore.

It's killing my soul, and it's killing my heart.

I wanna be like you Christian Republicans.

I wanna be like, "Get the fuck out of my way!"

"I'm trying to go to church,

and you're in my fucking way!"

"I'm trying to go in there

so I can learn about Jesus

and what he would do in this situation,

and I can't!"

"I'll never know

if he would've helped you."

Just in case it's not coming across,

I'm trying to tell you Christian Republicans,

you are fake as fuck.

-You are fucking fake. -[audience cheering]

-Shut up. -[audience cheers, laughs]

You shut up.

Every time you clap,

it makes a conservative fucking move in their seat.

"Ah,

the unity in here."

Obviously, I'm joking.

You Christian Republicans are fucking dope.

Y'all are cool as shit.

Y'all are cool as shit. You're wildly loyal.

No one would ever argue with that.

Your art is incredible.

Oh my God, show me. What did you add a flag to?

Whoa. Whoa!

I have so many liberal friends.

They're like, we gotta figure this out before the next election.

Oh, do we? Do we?

Do we gotta figure it out?

Oh, we gotta get our ducks in a row for the next one?

Could you imagine being an adult and honestly believing

there will be more elections?

Like…

That's why this one mattered,

so we could have more later.

I just got a little chip on my shoulder.

I put a special out a couple of years ago, and in it,

I made fun of people for going to church

and I made fun of religion,

and, uh, more people than you can imagine

greatly misinterpreted that.

I got it in the DMs, in the comments,

people calling me a piece of shit.

I don't support churchgoers.

I'm anti-Christ, anti-church, anti-God.

Anti-God, me.

These motherfuckers are telling me

about God.

You think I like this job?

You think I fucking like doing this?

You think I like going town to town to talk to people?

You don't think maybe I wanna be at home with my family?

When God calls on you

to be a messenger,

you do it.

And I know a lot of y'all are like,

"But wait. This isn't where I get my God news from."

That's your first mistake.

I didn't even wanna do it.

I tried to get out of it.

I said to God,

"You don't have pastors, preachers, and priests who can do this?"

And God said, "I do,

but, Rory, you're one of the few

that isn't trying to molest children."

[chuckles] Look at how many people in here

are pretending like they're hearing it for the first time.

Oh, I wonder if that's why the problem persists.

"When did this start?"

"In the beginning?"

Yeah, that's when most things start.

That's how hard teaching is in this country.

I don't care if you're on the red team or the blue team.

When you go to bed at night and you wonder how we got like this,

just know it's because

we didn't invest fucking anything in education.

-We don't pay teachers any money. -[audience cheering]

God damn it, shut up with your bullshit.

[Rory laughs]

My new drug is yelling at anyone who agrees.

I need the friction to exist.

We don't pay teachers anything.

The only thing we have to do as people to survive as a species

is pass along education to the next generation,

and we don't fucking do it.

Priests…

Priests could become teachers.

They could skip seminary school, become teachers,

and have unfettered access to children five days a week.

And even priests are like,

"Fuck that. That job sucks."

"I'll see those kids once a week. I'll roll the dice then."

Yeah, I'm in a dark place right now.

My kid told me they wanna live with their mom.

We're not even divorced.

They just said that.

I was like, "What, I'm not a good hang?"

"No, I just want to let you know

if it keeps going the way it's going, probably gonna,

probably gonna pick Mom to live with."

I was like, "If it keeps going…?"

"If we get divorced,

I'm also gonna pick your mom to live with."

"I don't know where to go or what to do."

"I'm gonna live with your mom till I get my feet on the ground."

Before this tour started, my wife got me a gift.

She got me a facial,

and you can go ahead and put your little dipshit,

fucking immature jokes away.

It was actually really nice.

I enjoyed it. I don't ever do stuff like that.

Got to go to a spa.

Everybody's talking in hushed tones.

They take you down a very normal hallway

that's got more water sound effects than you can even imagine.

They take you into a little room.

They're like… [softly] "Just set your shoes right over there."

"Lay down on this table right here."

"Really drop your shoulders."

"Really drop your shoulders. Really relax."

"Really breathe from right here."

"We got the incense going."

"We got the scented candles."

"Got the nice spa music going."

Then a guy walks in

and cums on your face.

[audience laughing]

[scattered applause]

[laughter, scattered applause continues]

Is that a good joke?

Is that like,

like, is that fun?

Like, if that guy did do that,

is that funny?

Is that still funny if that guy did do that?

Eventually, the esthetician did walk in.

She was like, "All right, I'm gonna start. Okay to touch?"

And obviously I said yes,

but to this day, I've not stopped wondering,

what the fuck would have happened?

"Uh, no, don't." [chuckles]

"Not okay."

"Try to find another path to me."

"Don't make any contact with me,

but make me beautiful."

"Don't even think of fucking touching me."

Any Proud Boys here tonight?

You don't know.

You don't know who likes my shit.

I know how you feel about the Proud Boys, but let me ask you.

What if when they all got together,

they sang beautifully?

"I don't like their violent politics,

but my God, when they do 'Ave Maria'…"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Shut up!"

[chuckles]

No, I don't wanna talk about immigration tonight.

You guys already talk about it every single day. You have to.

I will say, I do understand people's fear of, uh, immigration.

I understand people's fear

of, uh, of immigrants immigrating

because when we did it,

we fucking killed everybody.

Like,

that's for sure in the back of some people's minds.

You see an immigrant,

"Hey, you gonna be chill or are you gonna do what we did?"

[chuckling]

Some, "That's not what happened with the Native Americans."

"They had Thanksgiving." Oh yeah, I bet they did. [chuckles]

"Oh, did they have Thanksgiving?"

"Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet they had rolls and mashed potatoes."

"Somebody was like,

if you dip the roll in the mashed potato,

it's like a third thing."

I hope that's what AI says about us.

A little kid AI is talking to a big AI like, "What happened to all the humans?"

"I don't know. We had dinner, and then

they were all gone."

"They were sure to give us all of their water

right before they left."

[chuckles]

You know, one question

I often get

as a messenger of God…

[audience laughs]

Shut up!

Shut the fuck up and just watch.

Question I often get is,

why would God let there be so much suffering in the world?

And I don't know.

But I do know

that we did brutally torture and kill

God's only child.

So if I were ever gonna look into it,

probably start at the murder.

"Why would God let children go hungry?"

I don't know.

But I do know

that we did march God's only child

naked through town,

carrying a piece of wood we intended to nail him to,

while also wearing a crown of thorns.

How did that even get in the budget?

What sick fuck even pitched that?

[in Italian accent] "Tomorrow when we do the thing,

we should make him wear a, uh… wear a hat that hurts."

"That way, if somebody is like, 'Hey Jesus,' he's like, 'What's up?'"

"Ah, fuck!"

"Fuck! I forgot there's little knives in my hat."

Everybody at the meeting is like,

"You know we're gonna be whipping him the whole time, right?"

[in Italian accent] "Yeah, just saying, you wanna go big, let's go big."

"Make him wear it."

"My mom already made it."

"I came home the other night.

I was like, 'What are you doing in there, Ma? Ma!'"

"'Ma, what you doing in there?'"

And I know these aren't the accents.

I'm not a dumb fucking idiot.

I'm fully aware.

Although Romans, Italy,

it's not so far-fetched. [chuckles]

[in Italian accent] "'Ma!'"

"'Ma, what are you doing in there, Ma?'"

"'Ma, what are you doing in there?'"

[high-pitched] "'I'm making a hat.'"

"'I'm making a hurt hat for the water walker."

How fucked up is that?

Jesus walked on water,

they still killed him.

There wasn't even one person like, "I don't know, should we keep him around?"

Why do you think David Blaine is still alive?

All of us are like, "Form a perimeter."

"This guy's probably New Jesus."

Day of, they couldn't even find the crown.

One guy's running the whole thing, Jesus just standing there.

"Where is it?"

"Find it. We're on in five."

Doesn't matter what year it is, folks.

Backstage is backstage.

"Okay, who's gonna be whipping him?"

"What do you mean you're taking turns? Who's going first?"

"You're gonna want to know that."

"Jesus, excuse me, sorry."

"Folks!"

First guy in history to do these mannerisms.

One guy at the crucifixion is just

hoping it goes off without a hitch.

[mouthing inaudibly]

[mouthing inaudibly]

Do you feel differently about history if you know one dude was like,

"I wanna see eye…"

Also the first guy to clap and talk at the same time.

"I wanna see eye contact!"

"I wanna hear communication out there, okay?"

"I know we do this a lot."

"But it's not every day we kill the Son of God."

"Okay?"

"Trying to make that matter."

Don't you feel differently if you know that guy?

"Trying to make it matter."

"Sorry, Jesus. Sorry you had to see all that."

Even Jesus is like, "I forgive you."

Oh, well,

could use a little more of that in the world, couldn't we?

Kind of begs the question,

why are we even doing this at all?

Because the show must go on.

Obviously, they were gonna kill Jesus.

He was the only white, English-speaking American.

That probably freaked them out, right?

Every day, they're like, "Where is Texas?"

"Where is Texas?"

Nah, we're gonna be fine.

We got RFK Junior now.

Shut up, I like him.

I like him.

Your voice is dumb and stupid.

His is interesting and wildly unique.

[high-pitched gibberish, barking]

[barking, high-pitched gibberish]

[high-pitched gibberish]

You think during the confirmation hearing,

they ever looked at the stenographer like, "Could you just read that back to us?"

"Oh…"

[high-pitched gibberish, barking]

Those eyes,

mmm, yummy!

Yummy eyeballs.

Good choice, Cheryl Hines.

Ooh!

I wish I could sit across from that at breakfast every day.

Oh my God.

They sit back too far.

It's not a debate. Red or blue, I don't care if you love him or hate him.

Our eyes are here.

His eyes are here.

You'll notice that the next time you look. "You're gonna be like,

"Oh yeah, his eyes sit back a little too far."

"That gentleman from the other night is correct."

He's never comfortable in his own skin. He's always, like, shifting around.

Like the first 30 minutes of mushrooms.

You know when you do mushrooms, and for 30 minutes,

you're like, "What the fuck is this part?"

That's that dude's whole life. That's his whole life.

"What the fuck is this part?"

You're telling me if you're on an elevator with that dude,

you are getting to your floor without him trying to bite you?

Like, you will make it? You really believe that?

You don't think he's just like… [barking]

[screams]

Thanks a lot, Robert.

Now I got whatever you have.

Doesn't he seem like an alien who's here undercover,

but did zero research?

Aliens are like, "All right, you ready to go to Earth, Glib-Glorb?"

[high-pitched gibberish, barking]

Even the aliens are like, "You're not gonna talk like that?"

"You're gonna fuck this up for us, dude."

"What's going on with those eyes?" [gruffly] "I just made them."

"I just made them."

"My skin's made out of old food and sandpaper."

I'll tell you, any vaccines that dude is against,

go ahead, give me three of those.

Oh, he's not gonna eat his.

I'll finish it if he don't want it.

[chuckles]

"Vaccines cause autism."

And you're saying that's worse than what you have?

You're saying that's worse than what you're doing?

Last I checked,

the dude with autism broke into the treasury

and was kind of running the whole show for a minute.

So if I had to pick one or the other,

I'm probably gonna pick autism.

I'm not gonna pick Nazi autism.

I'm gonna pick regular autism.

I know a lot of people are like, "Elon's not a Nazi."

"He wasn't doing a Nazi salute."

Here's the thing, I could believe that.

I'd have to be dumb as fuck, but I could.

I could.

And I'm not saying if you believe it

that you're dumb as fuck.

I'm saying for me to believe that,

I would have to be dumb as fuck.

And I'm not even smart,

but I'm not dumb as fuck.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, if you were walking past a TV that was on mute,

would you have been like, "Oh my God."

"He just threw his heart so far."

"I hope someone caught it."

"Oh my God, he did it again! Two hearts."

"That's how much he loves us."

Not enough to build half of a hospital anywhere at all.

Here's my issue with it.

I'm an athlete. You guys know that. I'm not gonna go into it.

Nobody throws anything like that.

Never see anybody be like, "You wanna see a perfect spiral?"

"Fucking catch that right there, dude."

What'd you say, baseball? I play all the sports!

Here, curve ball coming at you.

Even Frisbee doesn't throw it like that.

They should. Better trajectory. But they don't.

Because they're not Nazis.

Even in Frisbee, they're like,

"Hey, guys, just remember, kind of keep it down here by the hip."

"Make every throw

absolutely meaningless."

[chuckles]

Remember during COVID, people were like, "There's a chip in the vaccine."

Imagine you're an adult. Picture that you're an adult.

"There's a chip in it."

"Government presses a button, you die."

"I thought of that. Me, regular guy, at home with computer."

If you honestly believe the government's gonna press a button

and all the vaccinated people are gonna die,

you need to understand

those are the winners in that scenario.

That's a hard angle to see it from, but you need to try.

See all those people died? [chuckles]

They'll never get to know what it's like to live in a world

where we now know the government will do that to us.

Fucking sheep indeed.

They'll never get to taste the inside of a cage like we will.

They checked out a little too soon.

That was the only theory I wished was true.

Every day I woke up during COVID, I looked at my wife.

I was like, "You think they'll press it today?"

"Fucking press it."

"What are we waiting for?"

I wouldn't care if I was holding my kid at the time.

That's their life.

That's their reason to get into comedy.

And yes, I love my family.

I would die for my family.

Somebody broke into my house and had a gun,

I would get in front of my family, I'd say, "No, kill me."

You wanna know why?

Because more than likely,

they're gonna kill all of us.

Kill me first. I don't wanna fucking see that.

Get me out of the way,

and then do what you're gonna do.

I don't wanna be a part of it.

One time, my wife asked me

how I would mourn if she passed away before me,

and, uh, I just thought we were having fun this whole time.

[chuckles]

I did give an answer she didn't love.

I know that because we're kind of two people

that often finish each other's sentences.

And I noticed that my wife did not join me

in saying the word "possible"

when I said,

"More than likely,

I would sleep with as many women as possible."

She was like, "What?"

I was like, "What is the real question here?"

I saw how that answer affected her emotionally,

and I've had a lot of time to sit with it.

And I gotta tell you, Seattle,

that's my fucking answer.

That is what I would do.

Probably too soon.

Right out of the gate, I got friends coming up to me.

"Hey, ever since your wife died, you're like a creepy sex guy."

"You don't know what it's like!"

[fake sobs] "My wife is dead!"

"I can't sleep with her!"

"I gotta sleep with these other women

and do stuff with them

that she would never try."

Every time I do that, it reminds me of how much she knew

what she wanted in the bedroom.

"If I don't sleep with these women

and do stuff with them that she would never try…

I'm gonna forget who my wife even was."

Yeah, not everybody loves that joke.

[chuckles]

I know one family that's yet to get behind it.

If my wife died,

it would obviously be emotionally shattering.

It would also be very difficult

because anything that's happened in my home successfully

is because my wife basically did it.

If my wife died, we would be lost.

There'd be a lot of mornings I'd be looking at my kid like,

"Hey, I just want you to know that

I miss Mom too."

"But come on,

where do you go to school?"

"And

where is it?"

"Any food allergies I should know about?"

"Or are you strong like me, like Papa?"

"Also, now that mom's gone, I want you to call me Papa."

"And I wanna hear those P's pop."

"And I wanna hear them in front of your friends."

"I don't think you understand, we are fucked."

"We are fucked."

"I probably gotta put the dog down

because I can't handle that right now."

"I don't even know where the spatulas are

because they're not where I would've kept them."

"They're not where I would've kept them."

"Pancakes are done."

"You lost more than your mom, sweetheart."

"You lost your dog and you lost pancakes."

No, I should die first. You guys know that.

You guys have been thinking it ever since I got out here.

Ever since this thing started, you guys were like, "He should die first."

I know my family would be sad, uh, if I died,

but I could also see them on, like, day two in the living room,

you know, on the couch,

catching each other's eyes.

One of them's just like, "Oof."

"To be able to breathe again."

To not have a grown man running around

like, "Look at me."

"Is this funny?"

"Is it funny if he does cum on my face?"

"Is it funny if in the end, he did end up doing that?"

My wife would remarry.

She's never gonna laugh again, but she would get remarried.

I'm a professional comedian.

Who the fuck is my wife getting with after me?

Some dude named Todd.

Oh, okay!

Oh, I'm sorry, is Todd funny?

Is Todd professionally funny?

Oh, what's that? Todd makes his friends laugh?

Oh, wow.

Wow, sounds like a real challenge.

Wow, his friends, you don't say.

I hope when you die, someone's just standing there like,

"You wanna go to heaven or be a ghost in your own house?"

"Ghost house now."

"Reinsert me!"

I would just stand in the middle of the dining room table,

my dick a little too close to Todd's plate.

That way, every bite Todd took,

it was like Todd was eating my dick.

And that's just for me. No one even knows I'm doing that.

That's how fun I am.

Todd says something, my wife laughs.

I'm like… [mockingly] "Isn't that funny? Oh, is that funny?"

"Is Todd being funny?"

"Is Todd on one?"

"Jokes built this house, motherfucker."

"Jokes built this fucking house."

And yes, we rent,

but what I'm basically saying,

what I'm basically saying is that jokes pay the mortgage

for that other family to own this house.

It's not nothing.

It's not… it's not nothing.

So take that, Todd.

Take that back to your neurology practice.

Flying through the walls of your house as a ghost,

stumbling into the bedroom, finding out the hard way

someone is willing to 69 after all.

[high-pitched] "Huh!"

[high-pitched] "Huh!"

You never picture a ghost with that voice. [high-pitched] "Huh!"

Or, like, with hands on hips.

[high-pitched] "Huh! Wow!"

"Look at that. Look at that!"

"That's funny, 'cause I just thought it always hurt her back."

"I guess not with Todd."

"Guess with Todd, the pieces fit a little bit better."

Try to freak him out, flicker the lights,

as ghosts often do.

Other ghosts later on are like, "Did you do the light thing?"

"Yeah, she didn't even notice."

"She was on top of him, sucking his dick."

Even that ghost is like, "But I thought that always hurt her back?"

"Yeah. Yes!"

"Yes, thank you."

"My God, I feel like you're the only one who really sees me."

[chuckles]

No, if my wife got remarried, she's not gonna marry a man.

My wife's gonna marry another woman

and honestly be happier than she's ever been

her entire life.

This is a question for all the men in here.

Do you think that women

are evolving away from us?

I already know all of the women in here are like, "Uh… yeah."

"Oh, look at that. Detective Denim came to town."

"Oh, did you figure it out, Detective Denim?"

[chuckling]

You know, when I asked that, some dudes here were like,

[downhearted] "Yeah, it sure does seem like it."

The Eeyores of the room.

My favorite men are the ones in here

who when I asked that question, internally, were like

"No! No, they can't."

"Women need us."

"We're the hunter-gatherers."

How long are we going to hang our hat on that fucking job title?

Women throughout history, nesting, nurturing,

still to this day, very much doing their thing.

Men, I don't know who fucking grocery shops at your house.

I know who does it at mine.

The only help I offer is when they're leaving,

I yell out, "Buy better ice cream."

"Buy better ice cream. It matters."

"It actually does. It actually does."

"Do not come home with a five gallon tub

that costs a dollar."

"That is shit."

"That is shit."

"Also, we don't have an industrial freezer."

"Where the fuck are we keeping that?"

"Spend the money."

"Let's find out

why does it cost that?"

Who are America's small town, small business families

starting these creameries?

[man] Whoo!

[Rory chuckling]

"Do it, babe. Spend the money."

"Can we please go through this life together?"

"Babe? Babe?"

"Can we please go through this life together the way we said we would?"

"I know I personally would like to go through this life together."

Here's the deal. I'm no different than all you men in here.

I've also stood at the end of the driveway in the snow,

smoking a cigarette,

looking up at the stars,

wondering, what the fuck is my place in all this?

The sad reality is all of us could just go in the house

and ask our partner what they need,

and I will never do that.

No.

Women are just better for each other.

You ever seen two women just having a conversation?

The fuck is that?

What's going on there?

If you've never seen it, take a gander. Take a gander.

From a distance, obviously.

You're gonna learn a lot. You're gonna see a lot.

Here's what you're gonna see.

Close proximity.

Extended eye contact.

You're gonna see their hands touching just like this.

Every now and then, you'll hear one of them go,

"I'm sorry. That sounds really hard."

I've never said that to anyone my entire life.

And I've had friends tell me their dad just died.

And even then I was like, "That sucks, dude."

"Now you gotta go find a new dad."

Active listening.

The fuck is that?

Every conversation I've ever been in,

the entire time the other person's talking,

up here I'm like… [singsongy] "I can't wait for my turn."

"I can't wait for my turn."

"I'm gonna change the subject."

"They don't even know yet."

And then I do change it.

And I see it in their eyes. "How did we get here?"

♪ Come with me ♪

My wife could be looking into my eyes,

tears in hers, being wildly vulnerable,

opening up to her partner.

The moment she's done talking, I'm like,

"I saw a Cybertruck today."

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I did.

You don't know.

Even then, my wife would touch my hand

and be like, "I'm sorry, that sounds really hard."

"It was."

"It's a lopsided vehicle."

No, I don't want this whole thing to be about Elon, goddamn.

Some of y'all acting like he's here tonight.

What would that do to the show? [chuckles]

He's like over there. "I am at the show."

All of us are like, "Oh shit. Fuck, dude."

"Elon likes Rory?" [chuckles]

Now I gotta recalibrate how I feel about him.

I'm like, "Well, I mean, he's probably a pretty cool guy."

[chuckles]

That's the only human on the planet

we're all actively trying to get to Mars.

All of us are like, "Take our money and do it."

"We don't even care."

He's like, "No, we should all go."

We're all like, "You go first."

"Then tell us what to pack."

Now let's do the jokes you guys came to hear.

Epstein, you guys hear about that?

You guys hear about that?

[laughing]

My new character is wildly outdated setups.

Y'all even hear about him?

Jeffrey something or other.

Creepy looking dude. I wouldn't know what he looked like

if he weren't in all those videos and pictures with Trump.

I know.

I know, we're all picturing the same video.

He's dancing around,

pointing at underage women.

He says something to Epstein that's so funny, Epstein's like…

Have you ever had anyone tell you something so fucking funny

that when they were done, you were like, "Haha!"

"Donald!"

"You gotta stop!"

"You gotta stop!"

Remember when you saw Bill Clinton was affiliated with Epstein?

All of us were like, "No fucking shit."

"Give me someone juicy I can talk about

with my family at dinner."

I bring up Bill Clinton, my 10-year-old daughter's gonna be like,

"You're a fucking hack."

"You're a fucking hack."

That's why you'll never have an Eddie Bauer Edition Ford Explorer.

"If you were any good, you'd have one by now."

Why did they make that car?

What is it?

What is that car?

You've wondered your entire life.

You've sat behind it at red lights.

You just see that signature on the bumper.

You're like, "What the fuck is going on in there?"

"How is it different?" [chuckling]

Did Ford Explorer get to make clothes for Eddie Bauer?

No, it was a one-way street.

And you know they tried.

Every day they reached out, "Come on!"

"Let us make some socks out of glove compartments."

"Eddie!"

"Let us make some jackets out of tires."

"Come on, Eddie!"

"Eddie!"

Every single day, Eddie Bauer's like, "No."

"No, we're good."

"We're good just signing your already made car."

If you don't know what Eddie Bauer is,

it's a clothing line for hunters who don't sweat.

That's not exactly what it is,

but honestly, every time I say that, enough people laugh.

It's like, let's keep moving, you know?

[chuckles]

Picture a hunter in full hunting gear, head to toe,

but the person next to them has the gun.

That's Eddie Bauer.

Eddie Bauer's just standing there with an espresso.

"Shoot stuff."

"Just shoot at the trees."

"I don't fucking know."

"I don't know."

"Kill something. Like, find a thing and kill it."

[gags]

"Fucking shoot this."

[chuckles]

No, it's, uh, kind of a useless callback,

but there's really nowhere else to put it.

Remember when you saw Stephen Hawking was affiliated with Epstein?

All of us were like, "All right."

"Now we're playing baseball."

Moment you saw his name,

even though you walked it back internally, your initial reaction, you were like,

"Ah, come on. He should get to do it."

What percentage of people in wheelchairs

do you think are just being lazy?

[shocked laughter from audience]

You think it's zero?

You think it's zero?

Okay, nobody thinks it's zero.

Noted, noted, got it.

Nobody thinks it's zero, but when I asked, you all acted like I was a piece of shit.

Everybody in here was like, "Hey, watch it."

"But obviously it's gonna be a little higher than zero."

[chuckling]

"Choose your words, out-of-towner,

but ultimately, all of us in here agree with the sentiment of what you're saying."

I think we can all have compassion for somebody in a wheelchair,

unless you're at an amusement park and you see them skip the line.

If you're at an amusement park

and you see someone in a wheelchair skip the line,

how that makes you feel in that split second,

that

is who you really are.

And you overcompensate externally. You're tapping people, like,

"Hey. Hey, did you see that? See that?"

"I like that they do that."

"I actually really like that they do that,

even though I do think it would be easier

for them to wait in the line."

"Have fun."

"What do you got, eight family members there?"

"That's a whole coaster."

"Enjoy that very private affair."

"I have two more hours in this line."

"Didn't do the fast pass."

-You guys know about the fast pass? -[audience whooping]

Perfect metaphor for living in America.

"Hey, you got a little bit extra money?"

"Why don't you get out of line? Get away from the riffraff."

"Find out a little sooner the ride's not that worth it."

If you don't have to wait in line,

you don't give a fuck what the ride is like.

You gotta wait two hours,

that better be the best 20 seconds of your day.

There you are, just standing in that fucking line. [chuckles]

Shit, we got a lot of line people in here tonight.

Did you feel that? Did you kind of feel that vibe shift?

A lot of people in here just like, "My dad waited in the line."

"His dad waited in the line."

"I wait in the line."

"I've been in this line all day,

just kind of waiting here, looking around."

I was like, "God, there's a lot of us in this line."

"Everybody's so different too."

"If only there was some way to

perceive our diversity as some kind of strength."

"I bet we could unify in even the smallest way

and maybe eat these motherfuckers."

"But no, no, no, no, it'll never work."

"Our skin is too different."

"What would we talk about?"

Adults who are super into Disney,

they don't fuck good, right?

[audience laughing loudly]

Isn't that right? Doesn't that sound right?

[laugher, scattered applause]

Doesn't that sound right?

[audience whooping]

Some people are like, "Yeah, they do." "Put money on it."

"All right, they probably don't."

My wife and I took our kid to Disneyland when they were three years old.

We went to one of the musical amphitheater shows.

This woman sat behind us.

No friends, no kids. I know.

Because I checked.

I wasn't a fucking creep.

I turned all the way around

and I looked at her.

Show starts,

surprise guest pops up,

Mickey Mouse.

I hear this woman go,

"Fuck yeah."

"Fuck yeah" for the dude who lives here?

He fucking lives here.

Obviously, he's gonna be on the show. He's a goddamn ball hog is what he is.

You know before the show started, he was backstage like,

"You guys care if I do five?"

"No, that'd be great for the rest of us."

"Kind of get you a little more sunshine."

After that show, my kid wanted a picture with Winnie the Pooh,

but the line was super long.

Like, "We're not waiting in that line, but we can stand right here,

and we can watch other people get a picture with Winnie the Pooh."

And my three-year-old kid goes, "Okay!"

I looked at my wife, like,

"Did we even need to get out of the fucking car?"

"Could we have just sat in the parking lot,

been like, 'So that's a ride right over there.'"

"'Looks pretty fun. That one is for sure fun.'"

"'You could see the smiles, kind of hear the laughter.'"

"'All right,

time to get back to the house.'"

My kid's like, "Can we ever go inside?"

I'm like, "Find your way into a wheelchair."

"We'll figure it out."

Yeah, guess who hates that joke?

My fucking wife,

even though I made you guys so happy.

My wife was like, "Why do you tell that joke?"

I'm like, "You're not there."

"You don't see how happy it makes them."

"It makes them so happy."

My wife's like, "Yeah, but what if our kid ends up in a wheelchair?"

I'm like, "Then we fucking go

to Disneyland."

"I say that."

"I say that in the thing."

"I check that box."

"I cover that base."

"I cannot win with you."

I did see a guy go get a picture with Winnie the Pooh.

I saw Winnie the Pooh look for a kid,

then look back at the guy,

and the guy goes, "Just me!"

[chuckles]

Do you imagine that at your job? Like…

"Just me!"

What was that reaction like of whoever the fuck is in that costume?

What were they like during the photos? You know they don't smile, right?

You know all of the characters aren't smiling. You can't see their face.

They're at their job.

Every photo you've ever seen of anybody with the characters,

they look like this.

Even if you hand them a baby, they're just like…

Even when they dance with the kids…

Even when they dance with the kids, they're just like…

[chuckling]

You'll never forget that the rest of your life.

You'll see those characters, "I bet they don't even smile."

Your buddy, "Pretty funny. You think of that?"

"Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Yeah, thinking about getting into standup, actually."

"Just have the smile thing right now,

but obviously it's got legs, so it's pretty cool."

I don't give a shit. Take it.

Take all these jokes. Go to work.

Go to work on Monday and fucking do that cum face thing.

[chuckles] Find out immediately at work, like, who's chill.

Who can you trust?

I don't give a shit.

These aren't even my jokes anyways. I went to…

I went to prettygoodjokes.com.

My agent, so my agent booked this tour

and, uh, I didn't really have a show.

So I went to prettygoodjokes.com,

and I was like, "Fuck, these are actually pretty good."

I think you know it too.

Like, even jokes I did tonight that you didn't even like,

still in the back of your mind, you were like, "Well, that's pretty good."

If you went home tonight,

and you went to prettygoodjokes.com,

and you saw this show verbatim…

[chuckles] …would that piss you off?

Would you be like, "What the fuck is this?!"

"I paid for this!"

Or would you start texting friends like, "I think I was at a Banksy tonight."

"I think I might've gone to, like, a Banksy thing."

[chuckles] I don't give a shit. Take it.

I'm a new man now. Got a vasectomy last year.

[audience whooping, scattered applause]

[cheering, applause]

I did it.

I did it 'cause I wanted to cum in my wife

and not have to think about it anymore.

But you can't really say that part first.

Nobody claps for that.

You say that part first,

people are like, "Go get the car. Just go get the car."

"I'll be out in a second."

I don't know if any men in here are thinking about getting it.

If you are,

just know it hurts twice for about ten seconds.

And I think when you compare that

to what women's bodies go through on birth control,

it is essentially the same thing.

Favorite joke in the whole show.

Favorite joke.

Just to see the look on one woman's face of like,

"I think this is who he really is."

"I think everything before this was a joke, but I think this is real."

They told me I could have Valium for the procedure

if I brought somebody to drive me home.

So I brought my, uh, brought wife.

We were just sitting in the waiting room,

and the, uh, the nurse comes out,

and this nurse is

so fucking hot. [chuckles]

This nurse is so hot that when I hear my name and look,

my natural reaction, I'm just like,

"Oh, whoa!"

Remember the first time you ever saw boobs,

you were like, "Oh, whoa!"

I did that, and I've seen boobs.

I've had sex. I have a child.

And yet still, when I saw this woman,

I was like, "Wowie, zowie!"

I nudged my wife. I was like,

"Fucking smokeshow over here."

This nurse was so hot,

I thought my wife could just be my buddy about it.

My wife was like, "What?"

I was like, "Don't fuck this up for us."

There we were, just following that nurse.

Whole time, I was like, "This is it."

"This is how it happens."

"My wife and I are gonna fuck this nurse."

"Kind of wish I already had the procedure,

but here we are, chicken or the egg."

Once you do the procedure,

you have to test it three months later to see if it worked.

And you do that

by ejaculating into a cup

and sending it off

to what I can only hope to God

is at least one scientist.

Please, Lord above,

tell me that whoever's receiving this

fully expected to get it.

My name's on that cup.

That's my home address.

I thought it would be difficult to ejaculate into a cup.

Came immediately.

Thought about that hot nurse the whole time.

Bada boom, bada bing.

Use the whole buffalo.

After that, you have to fill out a questionnaire.

First question in the questionnaire,

"Have you ejaculated at least 20 times in the past 90 days?"

Uh… yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not a fucking loser, dude.

Turns out I have.

Second question in the questionnaire,

"How many times have you ejaculated in 90 days?"

Now I was a little more vulnerable, like,

"It's a lot of questions, right?"

"Does it seem like a lot of questions?"

I cannot tell you guys how difficult it is

to write down the number 65

and send that off to a medical professional

when it is in regards to a medical procedure.

And being honest probably matters.

And you know damn well the number is 85.

I asked my wife if I could lie about the number.

She was like, "What's the number?" "85."

She was like, "We haven't had sex 85 times."

I was like, "I have."

"With me."

"I know what I like."

When I have sex with me,

I don't waste five minutes on soft neck kisses.

I grab my dick, and there we are,

at the place I was hoping we'd go to.

My wife was like, "What do you jack off to?"

I was like, "Don't do this."

"What?"

"You can't unknow that."

You don't think every day of my life, I wish I could go back in time

and not know what I jack off to?

I can't.

I'm trapped

in the machine.

Every dude is like, "He's right."

"He's right. We're trapped."

"The machine chose our choices."

I did see this one, uh, porn once.

This woman had, uh,

two dicks in her ass at the same time.

And I don't gotta tell you guys,

there's not a lot of room in there.

And yes, their dicks were touching,

but it wasn't about that.

That's the part that changed me forever.

I saw that and I was like,

"God damn,

to be that mature one day."

[exhales]

Squad goals.

All right, well, we did it.

[audience laughs loudly]

[cheering, applause]

[applause gets louder]

We made it to the end of our little journey together, didn't we?

Just wanted to let you guys know,

this is a weird way to end a comedy special, I know,

but, uh,

I wanted to let you guys know I do have merch.

Um…

I do have merch. Um…

We got T-shirts.

If you want some, go ahead and buy them. Or don't buy them.

Either way, it's not gonna bring my dad back, so…

I know that now.

I know that now.

We've been doing this tour for, uh,

for about six months.

And, uh, yeah,

I now know it's not gonna bring him back.

When my dad died,

I was, uh, I was there.

And, uh, his last words,

there was a few of us there,

and, uh, his last words, he looked at me

and he said,

"I hope you move a lot of merch."

[audience laughs loudly]

[scattered applause]

And the last thing he ever heard was me looking at him, and I was like,

"Uh, well, you know, it depends on sizes and design and

was the show any good." [chuckles]

And the nurse was like, "Sweetie, he's gone."

[audience laughs]

[Rory] Mm.

[clicks tongue]

My dad passed away

in, uh, June

of, uh, 2020.

And, uh…

when it happened, I fell to the ground

and I screamed out.

[clicks tongue]

I think when you lose somebody, you know that

the first reality that you have to face in just one split second is

that it is so permanent.

[voice wavering] It's like the most permanent thing…

[sighs] …that you're ever gonna go through.

And you just wish every single day,

you wish you could fucking change it.

[sniffles] You wish you could wake up,

and you wish you could just put it back to the way that it once was.

And the moment I heard that my dad had passed away…

[breathes shakily]

…I thought about all the things I never said to him.

And I thought about all the things that I never asked him.

And I knew in that moment

that it didn't matter what I did from this point on,

I wasn't gonna get that chance.

And I think you guys know that when you deal with grief

and you have, uh, someone in your life that you lose

who means absolutely everything to you,

you know that, um,

you probably end up having dreams about them.

And, uh, having a dream about my dad

is the only way at this point ever

that I'll ever really kind of feel him again.

It's been six years now,

and I can't hear his voice anymore.

And I can't picture how he used to walk.

[sniffles] And I can't picture how he used to fucking sit in the kitchen

when I'd come in the door,

and I just see him sitting right there,

and I wanna just sit down next to him and talk to him

and I can't do that anymore.

But I did see my dad.

I did see my dad in a dream.

And he came up to me,

and I realized in that moment that I could say everything.

And what I said to my dad was,

I can't…

I can't believe that you're not here anymore.

I can't believe that you can't… that you can't see my kid.

I want you so badly to fucking see my kids

so you can see that my kid has so much of you in them.

[sniffles, sighs]

And I want you to see the kind of dad that I am,

and I want you to know that every time I act like you,

I fucking hate myself.

And every time I act like you,

I'm so fucking proud that I'm even kind of like you.

[breathes shakily, sniffles]

And I want you to know…

I want you to know that all of this,

all of this, I just tried to do it

because I just wanted you to see it.

And I wanted you to see who I was,

and I didn't know how to just tell you that.

And instead, I thought this would be the thing

where I could really show who I was.

And it took me this long to get there, and you're gone now.

And I need you to know that…

[sniffles] I need you to know that I gotta let, let you go a little bit

because, um,

I think I'm holding on a little bit too tight.

And I think it's starting to do, uh,

I think it's starting to cause me to lose my grip a little bit.

And, uh…

I'll never forget my dad, um,

in the dream.

[sighs]

[sniffles, clicks tongue]

looked at me,

and, uh, he said,

"How are we doing with the merch?"

[audience laughing]

[applause]

-[cheering] -[Rory sniffles]

[mouthing silently]

[applause continues]

Yeah, sorry.

I wanted to do that punchline.

It's more of a disease than anything.

Yeah, I didn't, I'm sorry.

You guys were so emotionally available, and… [clicks tongue]

And then I made that joke, and it's like…

[hesitates] Honestly, that's probably gonna hurt sales.

[audience laughs loudly]

My dad did say that he would

visit me in more dreams if…

[audience laughs]

…he said he'd visit me in more dreams if we moved a certain number of shir…

shirts.

And he was pretty clear about it.

He was like, "I'm not talking about larges and smalls."

"Those sizes kind of

move themselves."

"I'm talking more mediums,

XXLs."

I don't know what I'm going on and on about. It's in your hands now.

It's in your hands. Either I see my dad again or I don't.

"Either you buy it or you don't."

[applause]

And look, I know when this whole show started,

I told a lot of y'all to go fuck yourselves.

And I know

that I didn't use those words exactly, but

I do hope that sentiment came through.

And I want you to know that, uh, I don't, you know, it's just something I said.

I don't actually want something bad to happen to you

or your family or your children.

I know that, you know,

even though I don't know you or your family or your kids,

I actually really do care about you

and I really do hope that you're, uh, you're okay.

I don't know why I'm like that.

I guess, unlike a lot of you,

I still have yet to turn my back on Jesus.

But I'm trying.

If you just give me time,

I am trying to do that.

The point I'm trying to make is,

if it was your dad, I would buy whatever little fucking…

I'd buy whatever little fucking knick-knack you were selling,

wouldn't I?

And look, we gotta get out of here.

[sniffles]

I know you guys paid money to see this show,

and I know maybe you paid money for drinks.

I know you probably paid money for dinner. I know these things cost money.

I know a lot of y'all had to get babysitters,

and I know that costs money too.

[sniffles]

And here I am,

at the end of the show,

asking you for even more money.

I guess all we can conclude

is that at the end of the day,

I'm really no different from church after all.

[audience laughs, applauds]

I love you guys. Thank you very much for being here.

You guys mean a lot to me. Thank you.

♪ I can build a world around me Underneath the light… ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

["Tournament" by Nation of Language playing]

♪ And another and another ♪

♪ I can build a world around me Underneath the light ♪

[audience cheering]

[whooping]

♪ There's people on the phone You need to tell them what you want ♪

♪ Laying on your side Your words have never felt so far off ♪

♪ There's people on the phone You need to tell them what you want ♪

♪ Laying on your side Your words have never felt so far off ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been waiting For a long, long time ♪

♪ Watching ♪

♪ And I've been waiting For a long, long time ♪

♪ Long time ♪

♪ Long time ♪

-[man] Oi. Oi. Cheer up. -[music fades out]