Original subtitles

Oh, my God. It is such a beautiful day.

Oh, I didn't realize you could see the river from here.

What's that up in the sky?

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

Oh, it's a little man.

Landowner, feel the wrath of the sea king.

You seriously can't tell the difference between a bird and a plane?

As many of you know, Alma is retiring after 40 years here.

Yeah, Alma!

There is no shortage to the anecdotes, the wonderful anecdotes from that time.

Anyway, here is a $25 gift card to Burrito Gigante.

That's about one burrito for every seven years you've worked here. One Gigante.

Hurry now.

Hurry!

She's been here that long, and that was her send-off? What, no dinner, no party?

If it helps, I stole a bunch of pills from her desk, but I can pass.

Good start, Wendy, but this is... Unacceptable.

Yeah! And you're gonna do something about it.

We've been working together for such a short time, and yet you know me so well.

Vance, I want to talk to you about this whole Amla thing.

Oh, come on.

It was 20 years ago. We were snowed in.

She taught me things.

What? What?

No. We need to give her a proper retirement party. Just have corporate

throw down a little cash and we can... Let me stop you there. You know what

happens when you ask corporate for money? They ask you, what happened to

the other money? And then suddenly all of your lavish sushi lunches turn into

regular sushi lunches. Have you ever had regular sushi?

It's just okay.

Wait, come on.

We're supposed to be a family.

We should look out for each other. Which is it? We're a family or we look out for

each other? So you're saying you don't want to do something extra for your

oldest employee?

No. Look, I am trying to climb the corporate ladder.

I've already stepped on those rungs. You do not get to Gotham by helping people

below you.

That's why you suck up.

This is... Unacceptable. I know. Get out.

Jackie! I want to eat at Lavish Sushi today.

Jackie. What is wrong with Van?

Raised by his nanny, doesn't read books, still quotes Borat. A boss is supposed

to care about his employees.

At my father's flower shop, anytime someone celebrated an anniversary, he

would give them a big gift and a cake.

Wow. I wish someone would give me a prize for not killing myself.

Where I grew up, there was a sense of community, of the greater good.

Oh, my God. You grew up in a cult.

No, in Kansas.

Oh, I'm sorry. At least the sex is good in a cult.

Let me do you a favor.

You're never going to get far in life unless you look out for yourself.

No, that's not true.

My dream is to be the next Archibald Stylus. He runs the Wayne Foundation,

and all they ever do is help people. Yeah, he's also the dick who turned my

corporate Christmas present into a donation in my name.

Your gift gave an impoverished woman a cell phone and a goat. Screw her. I want

a bathrobe.

Hey, you know who wants a bathrobe?

My wife.

It is so forced.

He's not even married.

I can't believe I have to retest these motion detectors.

When do Chinese orphans getting paid less than a dollar a day stop taking

pride in their work?

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's for my grandma. She just met a guy online that lives in Metropolis.

You better watch out. She might be getting catfished. Oh, she's definitely

getting catfished because it's me.

What? It makes her happy. Plus, I always avoid the sex question.

Anyway, I mean, she has arthritis, so it's hard for her to take selfies.

I control it with my brain, and this is when I'm at my most confident, so it

always takes the perfect selfie.

See? Like that.

Holy crap, Ron, this is amazing. You could do something really special with

this. I am. I'm giving it to my grandma.

No, no, you can't be serious.

Don't I look serious?

Well, I hope the surprise is that someone found my blood pressure pill.

You are part of the family, Alma. That's why we all chipped in and got you a

gift. Did you? I don't remember that. I don't have any money. I am by no means.

Heavier than it looks.

Is it a retirement diamond?

I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not that.

It's not right.

They are olives from the town in Italy that you grew up in. Oh, I haven't had

these since I was a kid. Thank you, Emily.

Of course. But it wasn't just me. It was a group effort. We all helped out.

I don't understand.

Why did you do this and not take credit?

It's called caring for other people.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Is this stupid thing still happening?

There's that van wit. Looks like we're moving on to the roasting part of the

retirement party.

Get back to work.

I will thank you, everyone, and I'll think of you all working away here when

I'm holding my new grandbaby.

Land dwellers, prepare to taste the wrath of the sea.

everybody. I'm fine.

Excuse me.

Due to the thetral transmorphic beam, Alma's right

arm was turned into a squid tentacle.

Now, because we care for her very much, The cafeteria has taken calamari off of

the menu.

And we are passing around a card. Evil spells buried under rubble. Ah, sea

monsters. Get whales soon.

This is BS.

Van used her as a human shield, and he's just giving her a card.

I hear we're almost going to have to spend eight hours a day with our arm in

a saltwater aquarium. We need to do something for her. Like get her a

castle? No, I was thinking maybe something a little more.

Oh, like one of those little divers that makes bubbles? No, I was thinking of

something a little less aquarium-related.

I actually think she looks sexier with that arm. She'd be huge in Japan.

Van, I am not leaving this room until you do right by Alma.

Absolutely. I want to give her a ton of money.

She's a hero. Did you see how she flung herself in front of me to stop the sea

trolls blacked? Wow.

I'm so glad you feel that way. I'm going to need a verbal confirmation that that

is what you saw.

What? You do not get to the top of the corporate ladder by getting sued.

So this is just you protecting your own ass?

Are you wearing a wire?

Legally, you have to tell me.

Okay, you know what?

Just write me a check.

Then you'll keep quiet?

No, it's for Alma.

Then she'll keep quiet.

Sore. Well played.

There have been attacks across the city as the sea troll continues his

destructive search for Blackbeard's sword.

In unrelated news, the Natural History Museum is opening a special exhibit of

pirate treasure this week.

Okay, I was up all night working, and I turned this into this.

Ta-da!

Streamlined it, made a few tweaks. What do you think?

I think Grandma's going to lose this controller in the couch cushion.

That's not for Grandma. I made you a market-ready prototype so you can sell

this. Hey, hold on. I told you I wasn't interested.

But you can make a fortune. You can finally get out of this place.

Why would I want to do that?

Oh, I don't know. So you're not stuck here for 40 years with nothing to show

for it but a jar of olive?

Hey, I love olive.

And, Teddy, I think you might be projecting your fears onto me. There's

no projection.

I've been here the next longest after Alma. Really? Man, you are very well

preserved. You don't even look like you had puberty. Thank you.

Ron, I want you to become rich and famous so you can come back and get me

out of here and save me from the death olives.

I don't know what that means.

Look, Ron, has it ever occurred to you that this relentless contempt that you

feel is really just deep, deep, deep denial of your dream?

No. I'm gonna have to deny that.

Whoa. See?

Everyone wants something.

I mean, I guess I've always wanted to climb Everest.

And with this invention, you can make enough money to pay for a bunch of

people that look like me to drag you to the top. Okay. Well, maybe I have gotten

complacent. You know what?

I'm in.

Ooh, look at those handsome men. I can see why your grandma's into you. Oh,

yeah.

Ooh, where did this treasure trove of treats come from?

Well, Van wrote a check because he didn't want to get sued. Then I got

Wayne's security to provide masking funds. I wish I'd been in an emotionally

scarring and horrific accident.

I know, right?

Oh, my God, you guys, you shouldn't have.

Yes, they got you a Get Well Alma banner.

Oh. Oh!

Poor, old, sweet, heroic Alma.

You know, she threw herself right in front of me. Yes, you have firmly

established your alibi, sir.

Good. Wow, this is an impressive glittering pile of crap. Well done,

Emily. Well, it wasn't just me. It was a team effort.

Look out, there she is. She smells like day-old fish sticks.

Hey, Alma!

Looking good.

Oh, I don't know how to thank you guys.

We'd love to get a quick photo. The Gotham office was very impressed with

this display of generosity.

You're with the Gotham office? Which floor?

96. Oh, that's where the fruit is cut fresh every day.

Yep. So who's responsible for this?

Well, really, it was a team effort.

And I am the leader of that team. I'm Vanderveer Wayne. Nice to meet you,

generous fella and fruit lover.

Well, let's get a photo.

Yes, great. Let's get it with you. Now, don't crowd Alma.

Get out of the... Please, look at her. She's malformed.

Let's do a handshake. Oh, okay.

There we go. He just took all the credit for everything you did, even with your

sound of music upbringing. That has to bother you.

Look, I didn't do it for the credit.

Look how happy Alma is. That's why I did this. There we go. Excuse me. Is this

Wayne's security?

Oh, my God. You're Archibald Silas.

You owe me a bathrobe.

Archibald! This is Vanderveer Wayne. He's responsible for all of this. I was

so touched by your amazing outpouring of generosity that the Wayne Foundation is

honoring you with the key to the city.

Well, do I have to do anything?

Just come to our awards gala.

Maybe let me take you out to lunch.

Yes, for the first one, no to the second.

Generous and a great sense of humor. I can see why that woman took a bullet for

you. And she did so quite willingly.

Quite willingly.

Yes, of course.

Emily, isn't that your personal hero?

Yep. The man you dream of working for. Yes. Right here, showering Van with

praise for something you did.

Yes. Well, it's a good thing that you don't care about credit, because

otherwise this would really bother you.

Did everybody see the newsletter?

I mean, it's silly, really. It's just a pamphlet with my face on it that every

person in the company sees.

Yeah, right before they spit out their gum in it. Yeah, a lot of very important

people chew gum, Emily.

And they're the key to the fruit floor. Jackie, I want it framed and put in the

lobby. I will hang it right next to the picture of you meeting Vin Diesel in the

Dallas airport, sir.

I'm still surprised that our similarity of names didn't lead to more of a

conversation. Oh, did you see?

I even made the crossword. Look, 10 down, 10 down.

Large multi-person vehicle, three letters.

It's bus.

Banana is not a fruit.

Oh. Emily, I think you might have a blood sugar problem. Jackie, could you

get us both a couple of banana smoothies? Did it ever occur to you that

a lot of people in this office chipped in for Alma and maybe they'd like

corporate to know?

She's talking about herself.

No, I am not.

I have always said the only applause a truly good person needs is the beating

of their own heart. Wow, what an odd thing for someone to have always said.

Everyone in this office fits in. I mean, Wendy made a basket.

Okay, I think I know what you little piggies are rooting around for.

Yes, I can get you a table to the gala. No, Van, that is not good enough.

Is there free food and booze?

God, I sometimes forget how poor you people are.

Yes, there will be.

I think we have a little more respect for ourselves.

Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.

Open bar.

Sounds like a challenge.

Who are all the squares in the VIP section?

Oh, just the greatest philanthropists in the world.

More like philanthropists.

Admit it, this is killing you.

Not at all. The important thing is we helped what's-her-face with the squid

thing.

You just ate a toothpick.

This room is full of the most successful businessmen in Charm City.

We're going to pitch him your drone. Or we can figure out which door these tiny

burgers are coming from and cut them off at the pass.

Ron. Okay. I know you're nervous, but I have this dream that one day I come to

work and you're not in your cubicle. Am I in the bathroom?

No, you just got up and left. Oh, no, that seems out of character for me.

Okay, fine. You gave two weeks notice. We had a cake. It was emotional. I

cried. Now stop stalling. I have a perfect opener.

Excuse me, could we have a moment of your time to pitch you an idea?

Sure.

So, this drone, it reads your brain's electrical impulses, so it can sense

both your mood and attitude to take the perfect selfie, as it will read my

confidence. Wow, that's amazing.

If that really works, I will write you a check right now that will change your

entire life.

My entire life?

That's a lot of my life to change.

That must be a very big check.

I'm going to just head over to the tiny burglar door.

And now, the Wayne Foundation's unsung hero, Mr. Vanderveer Wayne.

Friends and sons, I believe co-workers should stick together.

Harder than Alma's disgusting calamari arm would wrap around the neck of a

seal, dragging it to the depths to drown it.

Because I care about people.

Can you believe people are buying this prop?

Now, there's someone who deserves to share this key with me, and not just

because I found out it really doesn't open anything for me. Nothing, nothing.

But without her, none of this would be possible.

Now, she thinks I've forgotten her, but I haven't.

Why don't you just come up on stage here?

Van, that is so sweet, but I didn't do it for the recognition.

That's great, because I wasn't talking about you.

I was talking about Alma, the one who saved my life.

Oh, my life!

Oh, sorry, sweetie.

Some people, huh, Mariah?

Don't, you know, listen.

I know you can't clap anymore because of that disgusting calamari arm, but I have

always said that the only applause a good person needs is the sound of the

beating of one's own heart.

Van, that is the most beautiful and personal description of giving I've ever

heard. That is my line! Me!

I...

But really, it's all about Alma, right?

Everyone take cover! It's the sea troll!

Oh, thank God.

Unbelievable! A supervillain attacking the Gala at a natural history museum?

How nice.

Everybody surrender to the sea troll!

Don't think by valuable they mean your BFF necklace from Claire's.

I feel really ashamed of my behavior.

I've done far worse. I once bet my dentist $20 that he didn't have the

balls to shoot a lion on safari.

He did.

He did.

Look, if you wanted credit, you should have just taken it. No, but that's

wrong. A good person shouldn't need credit.

Oh, my God, are you serious? Why do you think that Superman has that big S on

his chest? Do you think that Batman has that bat logo on his boomerangs because

it helps them fly? No.

They want to brand themselves so that people know who it is to advance their

careers.

Crimson Fox is here to save you.

Hashtag outfoxed.

Case in point.

Look, if you want to run the Wayne Foundation, you had better step into the

spotlight. Do you think that Beyonce would be selling out arenas if she had

remained one of Destiny's children?

Maybe you're right.

And I don't want to end up like What's-Her-Face or the other one.

Exactly. There you go. You want credit for the things you do, and that's okay.

I took credit for something I had nothing to do with.

That's okay, too. No, actually, it's not.

So it has a few glitches, all right? Well, we'll work on it together and

we'll get them next time. Will you stop it? Just stop it, Teddy. I lied to you.

I don't want to climb Everest and the drone knew it. Well, why didn't you just

tell me that?

Well, it seemed to make you so unhappy to think I was happy.

So I pretended to be unhappy to make you happy because seeing you happy makes me

happy. Oh, my God, I can't take it. I'm over here at Sea Troll.

I have... your sword. Take me.

I mean, sure.

There's times at work where I'm frustrated or bored. I mean, I'm not a

robot. HR tests for that.

Yeah. But I don't mind.

Because I get to work with you.

Wow, Ron.

You are such a weirdo.

Bring it in.

Kathy, I heard about your hysterectomy.

Congratulations.

Wow. Van, what was that?

You inspired me.

I realized that they threw an entire gala for me because they thought that I

cared about someone. Can you imagine what I could get if I pretended to care

about a lot of these people?

That's not exactly what... Just take the win.

Hey, Brian!

I love the new perm.

So it seems all that press you embarrassed yourself in front of

actually caught something else.

Unsung hero saves philanthropist Vanderveer Wayne.

Are you going to tell the paper with you?

Maybe I will.

Doesn't make me a bad person to want credit.

Oh, hey, Jackie. Thanks so much for driving me to the doctor every day last

week.

Don't mention it.

Okay, I know you can't hear it, but my heart is applauding you. Stop it, or

I'll cut it out of you. Give me a hug.

No.

That's funny.