Original subtitles

Naoto Takenaka

Where's the family of the deceased?

They're busy. I'm here in their place.

If you're cold, I can turn up the heat.

The body will decay.

I see. Well, good night.

Good night.

A le a ll oo I . On I I le ll ie. O I

kimiko yo

kippei shiina

jinpachi nezu

Who is it?

It's tsuchiya.

Take it.

Next time I'll pay by bank transfer.

Nami, watch how you talk to me.

Who's that?

This month's top host.

Oh, gross!

I'm joking. He's not interested in women.

He's on a streak of bad luck, too.

Professional stand-in "I will attend any event in your place” tel: 3370-0331

Produced by hiroshi okada inami munetaka

executive producers takehito niitsu narita naoya

lighting hisashino kawashino cinematography hoshi sasaki

hello, this is jiro kurenal's professional stand-in inc.

Whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

Art takashi yamazaki music umaro yasukawa whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

Art takashi yamazaki music umaro yasukawa

art takashi yamazaki music umaro yasukawa we're unable to respond to your call at this time.

We're unable to respond to your call at this time.

Please leave your name and number after the beep...

Written and directed by takashi ishii

Hello?

Excuse me...

Excuse me!

Well... you'll do anything, right?

Sure. What do you need?

I just arrived last night from fukuoka, and I don't know Tokyo at all.

Will you show me around?

What?

Is that a problem?

If you need a guide, there are tour companies.

The office is on that side of the room; Please wait over there.

I want to go to specific places.

Trendy stores, gourmet restaurants, discos, Disneyland...

Trendy stores...

What the heck?

I rented the car at the airport.

Although I don't think it's the most popular model now.

You haven't told me who the customer is.

Sorry, my name is namekata.

Is jiro kurenai your real name? It's unusual.

No, I just use it for business.

Wow, roppongi. It's on TV all the time, but I can't remember why it's famous.

Do you want to take a spin through the neighborhood?

Do you ever come here?

Never.

Don't you like the wine?

- I'm driving. - Oh, sorry. - It's ok.

What does a professional stand-in do ordinarily?

Clean up dog shit for people.

Walking their dogs.

Clean up after old people who shit themselves.

Shit, shit, shit... I feel like I'm covered in it.

I'm sorry.

It was scary...

It felt like we were going to be sucked into the bottom of the sea.

I really want to thank you.

- I'm sorry I couldn't show you a better time. - It was great.

Why do you live in such a place?

What do you mean?

It's a creepy office.

It's my home.

It's a monument to the dreams of women.

What women?

From third-world countries, looking to make a buck here.

There was Jody, fay...

Cynthia and Gloria, all crammed into that room.

I noticed their names were still written on the beds.

One day there was a police crackdown.

They were all sent home.

They all worked so hard, compared to pampered Japanese women.

What's so creepy about it?

- I'm not pampered. - I didn't say you were.

I didn't.

The rent was practically free, and I was like the superintendant.

This stew is really good.

Who needs Italian food?

There was only one of these at the store.

I wasn't wrong to buy it, was I?

What's the problem?

You wanted it too.

- Nope, it's okay. - You can have it.

Taking it would only complicate things.

What's wrong?

Well, you have a good night.

I'm drunk.

- Could you check in for me? - Ok.

The kanji for my name is the same as "missing persons."

Just use your office for the address.

Right.

When should I pick you up tomorrow?

In the morning, around 10:00.

Got it.

If that's too early for you, you're welcome to stay here...

- Just kidding! - Are you ok?

I'm not ok!

When I get this drunk, I can't commit murder!

You're an ugly drunk.

Ok, sleep tight.

"Kill my wife."

"Eliminate my boss."

"Erase my past, please."

Don't people make such requests?

I'll need your help again tomorrow.

Good night.

Who am 1?

Sorry to meet you so late.

What did you need to talk about?

Are you here with another man?

Is the club doing all right?

Not particularly.

Business went sour when the bubble burst.

Who are you here with?

You're here to break up with me, aren't you?

How many times do you plan to break up with me?

I've already broken up with you. You just get in the way.

No, I don't.

I let you break up with me.

But you didn't mean it.

You look like a whore.

Have you been skanking around town dressed like that?

You used to like this dress.

Is he young?

- I asked if he was young? - Please, let me go.

I won't stop you.

I beg you!

You beg me standing?

I beg you.

I can't see you.

I beg you. Please let me go.

Is marriage that appealing to you?

We could run away together.

I owe some very bad people a lot of money.

Maybe we could go to the Philippines.

Or we can die together?

You want to die with me?

Shall we play lover's double suicide?

I'm fine with that.

Let's do it.

Let's die!

I'm ready to die anytime!

This is not a wholesome relationship.

I'll never let you go.

You're mine!

What the...

It's that woman again.

Every time she goes on a vacation, you turn up at my door...

Don't ya, buddy?

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow.

You want to come along?

No dice. It's a date.

She's pretty...

But her clothes were a bit loud.

Still, I liked her.

Jody and fay would be jealous.

Oh!

You're a girl, too.

Nami...

Nami, do you really hate me that much?

I won't die alone.

I have to return home right away.

I have quite a bit of luggage.

So, please arrange for a shipping service to collect it.

I'll leave the money and the address at the front desk.

Thank you.

She's gone.

Her address isn't here.

¥100,000...

Way too much.

Is this the luggage she was talking about?

Fucking ridiculous.

You should've left it where I can find it.

Yes... yes...

I'd like to stay another night.

No, the room doesn't need cleaning.

They'll make a composite sketch.

Damn shit...

I'm in deep shit.

It might not fit.

It's no good.

God, he's heavy!

It's smoking! What's in it?

It's ok. Don't worry about it.

It's cold! Is there a frozen body inside?

These top-quality items are killing me.

You mean these? I'd have to be a Princess to buy everything I wear.

The key is to lease what you need. See you!

Later.

Hi, I want to rent a Mercedes benz.

You don't. I see.

Thanks.

Who's there?

It's the police. Sorry to bother you so late.

What is it?

Could you open up the door, please?

What do you want?

- What are you looking... - Where is he?

- Who? - You used his name.

- I don't... - Namekata.

What are you talking about?

Nami called him to meet at a hotel last night.

Both of them disappeared.

He wouldn't stay at a hotel without telling me.

When she checked in, the man, who was with her wrote this address.

It was you.

Are you running a costume rental store? This is weird.

- This guy... - I'm worried about him.

She was a dangerous girl.

- Well, I'm busy now. - So what?

What?

Did you know him for long?

Or is this related to nami?

I have no clue what you're talking about.

Get out! You're not a cop.

What was that for?

Stop pretending!

What is this?

Are you running a hostel or something?

Breaking into people's homes...

You're a pesky old fart!

Unbelievable!

Where's nami?

The address!

Where is she?

Quit fucking around!

I won't let you have him.

Don't forget that.

The kanto kotomosu gang is backing me.

This isn't over yet.

Looks like he took you in, too.

- Isn't his dad an ordinary office grunt? - My older brother is inheriting the club.

Hirose, you haven't introduced me to your fiancé.

You haven't met?

- Well... - Yes?

This is kashiwara, the daughter of the owner of the ginza club.

- This is nami tsuchiya. - Pleased to meet you.

Likewise. She's very pretty.

- She reminds me of someone. - Who?

Your mom.

Oh, I see.

They're a more affable bunch than what you're used to.

- Yeah, it's fun. - Drink up. - Yes.

Oh my! It hurts.

I can't stand up.

Who am 1?

I know being divorced is a strike against you,

but that girl's no spring chicken.

- How old is she? - She's three years my senior.

- Where's she from? - Does that really matter?

You've got one? Shinagawa 03-wa-5974.

I'm muraki from the public safety division. I'll be right over.

- Good morning. - See you later.

It's cold.

Rental agreement

rental agreement tsuchiya, nami.

Tsuchiya, nami.

- Can I rent it? - Sure.

- Where did miss tsuchiya move to? - Miss tsuchiya?

I wouldn't know.

She lied about being from fukuoka, her name, even her car.

She didn't even look like her driver's license photo.

What?

Her name, the car, her clothes, the bag, the jewels...

The key is to lease what you need. See you!

- What was the date? - June 28.

How about something like this?

When would I wear something like this?

For wedding receptions and the like.

Look, detective, I think this is it.

Nami tsuchiya tokiwa Tokyo product center.

Tokiwa Tokyo product center.

- Good-bye. - See you tomorrow.

Good evening, nami.

You forgot to give me your address, so I brought your luggage here.

And I want you to meet someone,

and tell him that I'm only your Tokyo tour guide.

And that I left your room at 10 P.M. and don't know what happened after that.

I should have been in bed dreaming about Mickey mouse.

What is this?

Take your luggage.

I'm sorry, I have to meet a friend.

You should pick it up soon.

It's fresh now, but it won't keep.

Don't you want to check the contents?

Ms. nami, maybe I should show it to that young fella.

I'll call you after I talk to the kanto kotomosu gang.

Go ahead.

I'll go once your luggage is properly delivered.

Where shall I put it?

There's not much room. Just put it here.

Sit down. Do you want anything to drink?

Are you hungry?

I'm not a hit man. Why did you come to me?

This is all I have.

What the hell are you trying to pull off?

I'm involved now, too.

My services don't include murder.

- I'm sorry. - An apology won't do.

You're cold-blooded.

You did it, didn't you?

Just say you didn't do it.

"Officer, when I woke up the body was there. I was scared."

I killed him.

I planned to kill him.

Not very well though, I'm afraid.

Why me?

Your advertisement...

I could imagine your face.

Then when I called, your voice was so gentle.

Don't feed me that malarkey!

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd be attacked.

I wonder if namekata is all right after three days.

I packed it full of dry ice, but I doubt it.

Won't it leak through?

I packed him in three garbage bags, but it still reeks.

I'm so sorry.

Give me...

That beer.

His name was namekata.

- The other man was sendo. - I didn't ask.

But... - I'm just a professional stand-in, returning a piece of lost luggage. - But...

You better think of your next move.

Give yourself up.

Who's there?

It's him...

Mr. namekata, at least pay the interest.

I told you, he isn't here.

If he doesn't pay, my son will have to go to a public high school.

It won't just be the end of my career, but my family and I will commit suicide.

- Go ahead and do it. - Mr. namekata!

I told you, he's not here.

I don't care if you and your family kill yourselves.

Get out!

Get the fuck out!

It can't be helped.

Asshole!

Please leave your name and number after the beep...

I'm sorry. It's me...

I'm sorry to bother you again,

but I was wondering if you'd serve as my professional stand-in again.

0423...

But I was wondering if you'd serve as my professional stand-in again.

0423-66-1833. Please call me.

Stay away.

Mr. kurenai?

I've been looking for you.

Get out!

I found your address in his room.

He's not here.

Where is he? You don't want him.

What's that stink?

Please leave.

Idiot! I'm not going anywhere.

- I have to go shopping. - Go ahead.

What is it?

Is it you?

You smell like shit! You shitbag!

It's probably those herbs.

No, it's not.

Get out, it's just the garbage. Cut that out!

Stop it.

It smells like when mom died.

There was something here just a second ago...

What did you do?!

What the fuck do you want!

Wait, Mr. hirose! Don't go.

Come over here.

Please leave your name and number after the beep...

Hey, professional stand-in, I'm at nami's place now.

Get the fuck over here. She blames you for killing him.

- It's not true. - Shut up!

Keep out of it.

It's got nothing to do with me.

Let them kill each other. I've had enough.

- Excuse me. - What do you want?

- I want to buy a tokarev pistol. - What?

Wait here a minute.

Hey, knucklehead, come over here.

We ain't got that kind of hardware.

My life's in danger. Where can I buy one?

Where? How much do you have?

About ¥100,000.

In cash?

Wait here a minute.

- That man just took my money. - Who?

- That guy who was just here. - I don't know him.

- You were just talking to him. - I said, I don't know him!

You were whispering in his ear and he gave you my money.

What the fuck are you trying to pull, egghead?

Ladybug

- Is kenzo... - What do you want?

Who are you anyway, huh?

Kenzo...

It's me.

Wait a minute...

I don't believe it.

Tetsuro? Is that you?

Long time, no see, babycakes! Come in, come in.

He's a friend.

What happened to your face?

I'm sure you weren't born that way! Have a seat.

How many years has it been? Almost 20. Incredible!

- You were class president. - Just for a year.

- What are you drinking? - Beer.

It looks like you've fallen on hard times.

You're pretty. Just like I heard.

I'm just an old maid.

If you had told me that 20 years ago, behind the gymnasium,

I'd probably be your wife now!

I can't believe you're the same age.

He's my friend, from junior high. He was top of the class.

He went to a good university and joined a good company.

But he started out with me and the other dunderheads.

Same school: One joined the ranks of the elite, the other turned queer.

Who the hell are you to talk?

Do you work around here?

- Just a beer... - Why? This is good stuff.

- I don't have any money. - Huh?

I need a favor.

What? I don't have any money.

I need one of these.

Oh, you don't say? What about mine?

I have around ¥100,000.

- How many tonight? - Four of us.

Have a seat, darling.

Do you have the money?

- Come back in two hours. - I owe you.

Kenzo, it's me, tetsuo.

Kenzo!

- Did you get it? - The bar's closed.

- The gun? - We're closed.

Hey! Get rid of him and come back here!

Get lost. Get out of here!

If that's how it is, give me back my money!

Let go of me!

- Oh, it's the guy looking for a piece. - Who the fuck are you?

He's a goddamn amateur!

You're a rich fucking parasite!

You only smile for your rich friends!

I'm going to wipe that smile off your face!

Who's the smart one now?

Come on, let's grab another drink.

You're wrong.

I quit...

I quit the company a long time ago.

If I don't save her...

If I just run away...

I can...

Never again...

I've been waiting for fucking hours.

Where's the bag?

It smelled.

You're two cold-blooded motherfuckers!

Would you like to explain?

Nami didn't have anything to do with this.

Namekata wanted to commit double suicide with her.

He was unhappy at the club.

Nami refused.

So they fought.

Namekata's throat was cut with a knife.

Nami panicked.

She called me to dispose of the body, after seeing an advertisement on the train.

If that's what really happened, why didn't you call the police?

He had punctures on his arms... You would've been pinched, too.

Bullshit, this slut had an open cesspool of reasons to off my brother.

No, she didn't.

- Let's ask her. - There's no need.

Don't talk down to me, motherfucker!

What are you doing with your hand?

Show me.

Show it!

I'm not fucking around here, asshole.

Weren't you raped when you were 15?

I don't need to hear this.

She grew up in the same town as my brother.

When rumors began to spread, she moved to Tokyo.

- My brother was here and found her. - I don't want to hear this!

The rapist threatened to tell people that she wanted it.

For some reason, she blamed it on my brother.

It sounds like she had plenty of reasons.

That's the long and the short of it.

There ain't no in between.

They were together for 10 years.

- He saved her ass so often... - That's a lie!

Shut up, pig!

I'll leave you a stain...

I haven't slept.

My mind is a bit hazy.

And I just want to keep on shooting.

Go on.

You'll blow your own fucking hands off!

Now I know for sure you're in on this with her.

I'm going to kill both of you.

Try it.

Son of a bitch!

Get out.

What?

Get out, and don't try to contact nami again.

Whatever it is,

we do it for you, so you don't have to do it.

Please repeat your request, I didn't quite catch it...

I wasn't raped.

It doesn't matter.

It was right in the middle of the bubble economy.

I was threatened by a bleak, unhappy existence,

during the brightest time in this country's postwar history.

Therefore, on that day, I wanted a taste of the joy I'd missed out on.

He took 100 or 200 thousand yen from me every month.

He could spend it gallivanting, in a single evening.

"It's the one thing that keeps me from wanting you to leave," he'd say.

I shouldn't speak of it so lightly.

100 or 200 thousand was a big part of my paycheck.

When I was 10, my homeroom teacher touched me.

I asked the toughest kid in school what I should do.

I wanted revenge.

Then, when we were in high school, he spread it around.

I tried to explain, but no one understood.

What's wrong? Open the door.

Where are you going?

I had romantic notions about him.

Don't! Stop!

Nami, open the door! Open up!

Nami, open the door!

Open the damn door! Open it!

You have to open the door!

I'll call an ambulance.

What brings you here?

Wasn't I never to see you again?

Come on in.

You're not going to tell me I forgot something at your place, are you?

I'll turn myself in.

To the police?

Don't. Not for him.

That guy will go to prison for illegal possession of a firearm and attempted murder.

I'm not trying to get back at anyone, so don't take it out on jiro.

You came all the way here to tell me that?

Good night.

Hold on!

Sit down, we have to talk.

It's nothing unpleasant.

You want a tipple of his favorite champagne?

Let's clink glasses.

We can drink to him.

Now that he's gone, I'm running the show.

The assets, the bills... They're all mine now.

Therefore...

I'm up to my eyebrows with the loansharks.

But if I had you hostessing here, we could probably make a go of it.

You and me are two of a kind.

We're both victims of vicious rumors and this is our chance to get out from under that.

Mrs. namekata, Mrs. namekata...

Look, old man,

I'll get the money and pay you real soon.

Mrs. namekata...

You reeking sack of...

- She's here, after all. - Nami, get out of here!

My mother hanged herself.

The funeral costs were out of this world.

Plus, there was the cost of this pistol. Then, there's this yakuza punk...

Jiro...

Good evening.

I'd like to request your services.

I was worried about you.

I tried to call you, but the line was dead.

I'm sorry.

I've been nothing but trouble.

Right, what is it?

Whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

So, put your umbrella in the stand and come in.

It's true. Beds for Jody, fay, Cynthia, and Gloria.

Sorry, I was just cleaning.

I'll put the vacuum cleaner away.

I'd like you to be my stand-in lover.

Huh?

You don't want to?

What?

I'm not asking you to marry me.

I'll call when I'm lonely.

Just talk to me, late at night.

I'm speechless.

And you can call me anytime, day or night.

I'll do it. And I'll give you a discount.

Jiro.

Kiss me, please.

Turn out the light.

I'm muraki.

Tetsuro muraki.

That's my real name.

I quit my job and spent my savings to open a store to do anything for anyone.

I felt lost, like I couldn't find my way back,

but since I've met you, I feel, like I've got another chance.

Enough of this grim talk.

We've got a new lease on life.

I've got a trick I save for special occasions.

My inner ear balance is inherently superior.

I can't get dizzy. Watch.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 11-12-13-14-15-16.

1-2-1-2-1-92_

I've been able to do that since I was a little nipper.

Honey?

What's the matter?

Nami.

Nami! What's wrong? Nami!

It was good.

Let's do it again.

Hang in there! I'll call an ambulance.