Original subtitles

Terror. Terror in the night.

The whipping, howling, unforgiving winds crash into the clouds...

...and rain falls no matter where you turn.

There is no escape.

No escaping the true horror.

A sudden silence, and then screaming thunder...

...lightning, floods, tornados...

...famine, pestilence, fire, earthquakes.

Giving way to hazy afternoon sunshine.

I'll be back with the five-day forecast after this:

Terror grips a peaceful city.

Terror that wears a loincloth.

His real name is Royce Mumphy.

But police in five states know him as Cave Guy.

Yes, Cave Guy.

Hostile, powerful, but also highly intelligent.

I subscribe to The New Yorker.

Only one hero can track down Cave Guy.

Only one hero has the heart to fight this fiend.

That hero is...

...on another network.

Thus, we have no choice but to turn to this fellow.

A teenage nerd, or is he?

Dexter? Would you like to watch America's Most Wanted, hon?

No, thanks, Mom. I'm figuring out the actuarial tables for my retirement.

Oh, should you, dear? You're only 16.

Don't worry, Mom.

But, hon, isn't there a dance tonight?

Gee, Dexter, I'd love to go to the dance with you.

If I were ugly and dead.

Sorry, Dex, but I've gotta wash my hair or help the needy.

I forget which.

Oh, can't do it, Dex.

That's the night I'm, uh... I'm having something removed.

I don't wanna go.

You spend far too much time with your computer.

It's not healthy.

It's my life.

That's so very, very sad.

Meanwhile, frantic police launch a desperate search for Cave Guy...

...using all the tools of modern law enforcement...

...including lots of overtime.

With all this heat I'll never be able to escape to the Hamptons. Huh?

Perhaps a hostage or 20 might help.

At the same time...

...innocent high-school students attended a dance...

...in honor of daylight-savings time.

Daylight-savings time rules!

It's rocking, man!

Little did they know that a hulking horror...

...would soon transform their peaceful prom into:

Yes, "Dance of Doom. " Starring:

We'll return to "Dance of Doom" after this.

Are there any pizza rolls left?

Your mother ate them all. All 24.

I was peckish. I could make some more.

If you just joined us...

...Cave Guy is holding students hostage...

...in what could turn out to be a story almost as big as O.J.

That's Harry Connick High School. My high school.

- Good thing you couldn't get a date. - Yeah.

You're lucky you spend all your time glued to a computer.

Oh...

Freak out!

Hello! Ooh, ooh!

I'm here in the show.

To the hop.

Dexter? He's gone.

Oh, and I was just gonna make sloppy joes.

Nothing will stand in my way.

Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go out for a mint?

Okay.

I gotta say, that was one fine mint.

Sure was.

Oh, by the way...

...we're needed over at that hostage thing at Harry Connick High.

That's right.

Duty calls.

Hello, duty. I'm coming.

But as Freakazoid bounds off to battle...

...certain questions remain unanswered.

For instance, what part will this strange fellow play in our story?

And what of the object he clutches so carefully?

An ordinary watch, you say?

Hardly.

For it has a secret power.

A bizarre power.

Huh?

The power to turn beavers into gold.

Where did he come from? What did he want?

And why was there a mint scene?

Did it reveal character?

How was the story advanced?

We may never know.

But now, on with the adventures of Freakazoid.

Pull the string.

Come out with your hands up.

Find out what he wants. You're on the student council.

But you get along better with older guys.

What do you mean by that?

Excuse me. Do you know how long this will take?

Why?

Well, some of us had reservations for a late dinner at the Green Gourd.

Yes, I've dined at the Green Gourd.

You're better off as hostages.

You're rather well-spoken for a... A Primordial-American.

You're so kind.

Excuse me. Coming through.

Move that cop car. Gangway.

Ooh, have I ever been chubbier?

This body tight makes me feel so big and wedgy.

Hello, aloha, lady in the dress.

Steff, you fibbed to Dex about washing your hair.

If this were an after-school special...

...ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit.

Like getting big oily zits.

Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth. Ew.

Oh, it's the plate. And he's been on it.

Don't you under...? Oh. Think about it.

I'll be over, talking with Jill.

Have a nice trip. See you next fall.

Hi, Jill. I understand you had something removed.

Maybe that something was your heart!

Just kidding. I'm sure it was a mole or something gross. Ooh.

Low bridge, everybody down

Low bridge Cave Guy's underwear is brown

Brown, brown

It looks like he's got the cooties

Oh, oodie

Goodbye Stop the singing now

End the singing songs Stop, go

Enough with the songs

Stop, bring it down

Come down, stop

Shh, shh, shh...

Everybody go with me "shh, shh" On this side of the room

Shh, shh, shh.

Everybody down

Hi, Mom.

And you, Valerie, you said...

Skip it.

Your little urbane jokes won't save you now.

I shall smash you. I shall grind you into powder.

I love you.

Oh, my.

Not just because you're Cave Guy. Uh-uh.

But because you're part of the whole cosmic mankind-whale-tree thing.

That's quite touching in a vapid, pointless way.

Prepare to be crushed.

Okay, you win.

Ta-da!

- Nice work. - Thanks.

Hey, should I sign up for liposuction?

Ha!

Stupid.

Call me soon.

Steff! Hey, Steff!

Steffaloni! Hey, Steff!

Psst.

Do you want to see something strange and mystical?

No! Get out of here with that watch!

Lay off the poor beavers, will you?

Jeez!

You're a creep! Go away!

We were having a good time until you showed up, Jeepers!

Go have some coffee with cream or something.

Because I'll tell you something.

This is a happy place.

You were really something tonight.

Dexter and I are different parts of the same whole.

Perhaps val should learn you can't reject one without rejecting the other.

There! Van Damme and Minnie Pearl.

Freak in!

You're such a funny kidder. Hmm.

Where did you come from, rodent?

Where's the guy with the lightning on his head?

Um... Over there?

Oh, freak out!

That was shallow, cheap and based solely on hormones.

Works for me.

It's time for Freakazoid and friends

Where the insanity never ends

Justice he defends You're sure to get the bends

From Freakazoid and friends

When Dexter becomes Freakazoid He shows his super stuff

He battles Lobe and Booger Beast And villains who are tough

Like Candle Jack and Cobra Queen Cave Guy can be gruff

There's Fan Boy, Mo-Ron, Eye of Newt And that's about enough

It's Freakazoid and friends

It's what your dentist recommends

To patients who chew gum

This show is really dumb

It's Freakazoid and friends

Meet Dexter's girlfriend, Steff And his mentor named MacStew

Lord Bravery and Fan Boy The gnomes are quite a crew

Cosgrove and the Huntsman Toby Danger too

And don't forget there's Freakazette A lovely shade of blue

It's Freakazoid and friends

A show that no one comprehends

Our longevity depends On our demographic trends

It's totally freaky

Dexter's geeky

The plots are weak-y

We're up the creek-y

We've sprung a leak-y

Freakazoid and friends

Now our song ends

And now, another chapter...

...in Freakazoid's never-ending search for the perfect sidekick.

Today's episode:

When we last left Freakazoid...

...he was facing certain annihilation in the lair of the ingenious archfiend...

...The Lobe.

No one can save you this time, Freakazoid.

That's where you're wrong, Lobe.

My new sidekick will save me.

Oh, yeah? Well, where is he?

I'm right here.

Handman. You've come in the nick of time.

I wouldn't let you down, Freakabazal.

All right, I'm sorry.

It's Freakazee. Uh, Freakabee.

No, Freakazoid.

- Freakydoi. - No, Freakazoid.

Freakazee, Freebalo, Meemala.

No, say it: Free.

- Free. - Ka.

- Ka. - Zoid.

Freakeasy. No. Freakazoid, Freakazoid.

Hey, stop.

Pardon me. My mouth is a bit parched.

No problem.

Ah...

Thank you. That was very refreshing.

Oh, just stop.

- What? - This is stupid.

You're calling my sidekick stupid?

That's not a proper sidekick. That's just your hand.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. It's just your hand, you simpleton.

No. Take a closer look.

Closer. Closer still.

Hold it right there.

Peekaboo.

The place is going to blow. Run for it.

It's the waiting around that kills me.

Another job well done...

...thanks to Handman.

My hero.

Darling.

I love you.

And I love you.

Yes, I could see...

...that Handman and Handgirl were made for each other.

Of course, I couldn't stand in their way.

And while I may have been losing a sidekick...

...I knew I was gaining a daughter.

Or the upper hand, or something, I don't know.

Do you, Handman, take this hand...

...to be your lawful wedded wife...

...to have and to hold till death do you part...

...or till some horrible accident with an electric can opener or a combine?

I do.

Me too.

Then I now pronounce you married hands.

You may kiss the bride.

Aw.

I just hope they have a long happy marriage...

...unlike some other couple I know.

You are so cold.

So says the ice queen.

Ice queen, my foot.

Exactly.

Just stay on your own side of the bed, will you?

Don't start with me.

Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something.

I can't... Don't start that whooping and going:

Wake up your folks and tell them you're hungry. Go!