Original subtitles

No one told you life was gonna be this way.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love's out the old way.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear.

When it happens in your day, it'll be your month, it'll be your year. But I'll

be there for you.

When the rain starts to pour, I'll be there for you.

There's nothing to tell.

It's just some guy I work with.

Come on.

You're going out with the guy. There's got to be something wrong with him.

So does he have a hump, a hump and a hairpiece?

Wait, does he eat chalk?

Just because I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl.

Okay, everybody relax.

This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not

having sex.

Sounds like a date to me.

All right, so I'm back in high school. I'm standing in the middle of the

cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

Then I look down, and I realize there is a phone there.

Instead of... That's right.

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

And it turns out it's my mother.

Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

Hi.

This guy says hello. I want to kill myself.

You okay, sweetie? I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed

my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and hide it around my neck.

Cookie?

Carol moved her stuff out today.

Let me get you some coffee.

Thanks.

Ew.

No, no, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura.

Don't just leave my aura alone, okay?

I'll be fine. All right? Really, everyone, I hope she'll be very happy.

No, you don't. No, I don't. To hell with her. She left me.

And you never knew she was a lesbian.

No, okay?

Why does everyone keep fixating on that?

She didn't know. How should I know?

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

Did I say that out loud?

All right, Ross, look.

You're feeling a lot of pain right now.

You're angry.

You're hurting.

Can I tell you what the answer is?

Strip joints.

Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.

See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just want to be married again.

I just want a million dollars.

Rachel? Oh, God, Monica, hi.

Thank God.

I just went to your building and you weren't there, and then this guy with a

big hammer said that you might be here, and you are, you are.

Can I get you some coffee?

Decaf.

Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.

This is everybody. This is Chandler and Phoebe and Joey, and you remember my

brother Ross?

Sure. Hey.

So you want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Oh, God.

Well, it started about a half hour before the wedding.

I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at

this gravy boat, this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.

When all of a sudden, sweet and low, I realized... I realized that I was more

turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

And then I got really freaked out.

looks like Mr. Potato Head.

You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway,

I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering, why am I doing this,

and who am I doing this for?

So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kind

of drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the

city. Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

I'm guessing that he bought her a big pipe organ and she's really not happy

about it.

Daddy, I just... I can't marry him. I'm sorry.

I just don't love him.

Well, it matters to me.

Oh, she should not be wearing those pants.

I say push her down the stairs.

Push her down the stairs.

We'd have trouble.

Look, Daddy, it's my life.

Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica.

Well, maybe that's my decision.

Well, maybe I don't need your money.

That's it.

Just try to think of nice, calm things.

I'm all better now.

I helped.

Okay, look, this is probably for the best, you know?

Independent. Taking control of your life.

And hey, You need anything, you can always come to Joey.

Me and Chandler live right across the hall.

And he's away a lot.

Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.

What? Like there's a rule or something?

Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.

Uh, it's, uh, it's Paul.

Let him in. Who's Paul?

Paul the wine guy? Paul?

minute you're not a real date tonight is with paul the wine guy he finally asked

you out yes oh this is a dear diary moment wait wait i i can cancel please

no go i'll be fine i roth are you okay i mean do you want me to stay that'd be

good

Everybody? Everybody listen to Paul.

Hey, Paul.

I'm sorry I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Two seconds.

Oh, I just pulled out four eyelashes.

That can't be good.

So, Rachel, what are you up to tonight?

Well, I was kind of supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so

nothing.

Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon.

No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year, talk about your big

lizards.

Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are

coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Well, actually, thanks, but I think I'm just going to hang out here tonight.

It's been a long day. Oh, sure, okay, sure.

Hey, Pheebs, you want to help?

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the

side things using a bunch of these little worm guys.

I have no brackety thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.

And I...

Cannot feel my legs.

What's this?

I have no idea.

Done with the bookcase.

This was Carol's favorite beer.

She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

Ross,

let me ask you a question. She got the furniture.

The stereo, the good TV.

What did you get?

You guys. Oh, God. You got screwed. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I know, I know. I'm such an idiot.

I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and

five times a week.

I mean, how clean can teeth get?

My brother's going through that right now. He's such a mess. How did you get

through it?

Well, he might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.

Say her... Leg?

That's one way of pointing to it.

Me, I went for the watch.

You actually broke her watch?

Barry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I know you probably think this is all about what I said the other night about

you making love with your socks on, but it isn't. It isn't. It's about me.

And I just...

Hi,

machine. Cut me off again.

Anyway...

scariest part is, what if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I

mean, what if you get one woman and that's it?

Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

What are you talking about? One woman?

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell

you something, Ross.

There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and

Bing! Cherry vanilla.

You can get them with jimmies or nuts.

Or whipped cream.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you.

You got married. You were like, what, eight?

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.

I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Stay out of my freezer.

Ever since she walked out on me, I...

What?

What, what? You want to spell it out with noodles?

No, it's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

Oh, so there's going to be a fifth date?

Isn't there?

Yeah, yeah, I think there is.

What were you going to say?

Well, ever since she left me...

I haven't been able to perform sexually.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I am so sorry.

I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now.

How long?

Two years.

Wow.

I'm glad you smashed your watch.

So you still think you...

I want that fist date.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I, Joanie, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.

Do you take Joanie as your husband?

See?

But Joanie loves Joachim.

That's the difference.

Grab a spoon.

Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon?

Do the words, Billy, don't be a hero, mean anything to you?

You know, here's the thing.

Even if I could get it together, to ask a woman out, who am I going to ask?

I've had coffee before in my entire life.

That is amazing.

Congratulations. Why are you on a roll if you feel like you've got to make,

like, a Western omelet or something?

Although, actually, I'm really not that hungry this morning.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Morning, Paul.

Really great time last night.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We'll talk later.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That wasn't a real date.

What the hell do you do on a real date?

Shut up and put my table back.

Okay.

All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't

make much of a difference.

So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Yeah, we all have jobs.

See, that's how we buy stuff.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Wow. But I've seen you in anything?

Oh, I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

We won's production of Pinocchio. Look, Geppetto, I'm a real live boy.

I will not take this abuse.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Once I was a wooden boy... So

how are you doing today?

Did you sleep okay?

Did you talk to Barry?

I can't stop smiling.

I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Just so... You remember you and Tony DeMarco? Oh, yeah.

Well, it's like that, with feelings.

Oh, wow.

Are you in trouble?

Okay, okay.

I am just going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day.

Or else I'm just going to get up and go to work.

Oh, it wish me luck.

What for?

I'm going to go get one of those job things.

Paul? Paul the wine guy?

Oh, yeah, I know Paul.

You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.

You know, before me, there was no snapping this turtle for two years.

Of course it was a line.

Why? Why would anybody do something like that?

I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than...

To get you into bed.

Is it me?

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe

emotional problems can hear?

All right, come here. Give me your feet.

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I can't believe you didn't know it was a lie.

You got a job?

Are you kidding?

I'm trained for nothing.

I was laughed at 12 interviews today.

And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David Boots on sale, 50% off.

Oh, how well you know me.

They're my new, I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great

boots boots.

How'd you pay for them?

A credit card.

And who pays for that?

Um, my father.

Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

I know that.

That's why I was getting married.

Give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I remember when I first came to this city. I was 14.

My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison.

And I got here and I didn't know anybody.

And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields

outside Port Authority.

And then he killed himself.

And then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

The word you're looking for is... Anyway...

You ready? I don't think so. Oh,

come on.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

crash on the couch no no i gotta go home sometime you'll be okay yeah hey

ron what can i just found on the floor what

that's paul's watch you just put it back where you found it

oh boy all right good night everybody

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, go, go, go. I don't want it. Split it?

Okay. Okay.

You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major

crush on you.

I knew.

You did?

Oh.

I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

I did.

Oh.

Listen, do you think... And try not to let my intense vulnerability become any

kind of a factor here.

But do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Okay.

Okay, maybe I will.

Good night.

See you.

Hey,

what's with you?

I just grabbed a spoon.

I can't believe what I'm hearing here. I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

What? I said you had an acid.

Would you stop?

Oh, was I doing it again? Yes.

Would anybody like more coffee?

Did you make it or are you just serving it?

I'm just serving it. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Kids, new dream.

I'm in Las Vegas.

I'm Liza Minnelli.