All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e12.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

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Goon.

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And now for something
completely different.

Its...

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ANNOUNCER:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Thank you very much
for the change,

Mr. Tobacconist.

Was that all right?

CAMERA CREW:
Shh! Shh!

[SIGHS]

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Uh... Ah.

[HUNGARIAN ACCENT)
I will not buy this record,

itis scratched.

Sorry?

I will not buy this record,
itis scratched.

Uh, no, no, no.
This is a tobacconist's.

BOTH:
Ahhh!

1 will not buy this
tobacconist's,

itis scratched.

No, no, no.
Tobacco. Um. Cigarettes.

-Yeah. Yes, cigarettes.
-Yeah.

Uh, um, yeah,
my hovercraft is full of eels.

What?

My hovercraft

is full of eels.
-Ah! Matches, matches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want to come back
to my place, bouncy, bouncy?

I-I don't think
you're using that right.

You great pouf.

um...

That'l be 6 and 6, please.

If I said
you had a beautiful body

would you held it against me?

I I'am no longer infected.

May 1? May 1?

Yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHS]

It costs 6 and 6.
Costs 6 and, ah...

Here we are. Um,

[READS IN HUNGARIAN]

Yah!

What's going on here, then?

Ah. You have
beautiful thighs.

“What?
-He hit me.

Drop your panties, Sir William,
I cannot wait till lunchtime.

Right!

My nipples explode
with delight.

Call Alexander Yahlt.

Oh, shut up.

You are Alexander Yahlt?

[FAKE VOICE]
Oh, lam.

Skip the impersonations.

-You are Alexander Yahlt?
-lam.

You are hereby charged that
on the 28th day of May, 1970

you did willfully, unlawfully,
and with malice aforethought

publish an alleged
English-Hungarian phrasebook

with intent to cause
a breach of the peace.

-How do you plead?
-Not guilty.

You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

I do live at 46 Horton
Terrace.

You are the director
of a publishing company?

I am a director
of a publishing company.

You publish phrasebooks?

My company publishes
phrasebooks.

You said 46 Horton Terrace?

-Yes.
-Hah! Got him.

JUDGE: Get on with it.
Get on with it.

Yes, my lord.

On the 28th day of May,
you published this phrasebook.

I did.

I quote an example.

The Hungarian phrase meaning

"Can you direct me
to the station?"

is translated
by the English phrase,

"Please fondle my bum."

I wish fo plead incompetence.

Please, may I ask
for an adjournment, my lord?

An adjournment? Certainly not.

[FARTS ABNORMALLY LONG]

Why on earth didn't you say
why you wanted an adjournment?

I didn't know an acceptable
legal phrase, my lord.

If there's any more stock film
of women applauding,

I'l clear the court.

Call Abigail Tesler.

-My lord, this is Abigail Tesler.
sit?

Yes, my lord.

23-year-old Abigail
hails from Down Under

where they're upside-down
about her.

Those Aussies certainly know
a thing or two

when it comes to beach belles.

Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind
giving her the kiss of life.

So watch out for the sharks,
Abigail!

ANNOUNCER:
"Is this strictly relevant?"

quizzed learned, lovely
Justice Maltravers.

Seventy-eight-year-old justice
hails from Esher,

and he's been making
a big name for himself

at the recent
Assizes at Exeter.

ANNOUNCER 2: "All will be
revealed soon, my lord,"

quipped tall 42-year-old
Nelson Bedowes, cutie Q.C.

Nelson's keen on negligence

and grievous bodily harm
at Gray's Inn.

And with cases like he's won,

we bet Gray's in
when Nelson's around.

ANNOUNCER 1:
"Well, Get on with it,"

seen here at London airport,

on his way
to judge for Britain

at the International Court
at The Hague...

VOICE:
Get offf

Qof.

[GRUMBLING]

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[SHRIEK]

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Good evening. Tonight is
indeed a unique occasion

in the history of television.

We are very privileged
and honored to have with us

in the studio Karl Marx,

founder of modern socialism

and author of the
Communist Manifesto.

Vladimir llyich Ulyanov,

better known to the world
as Lenin,

leader of the Russian
Revolution,

writer, statesman, and father
of modern communism.

Che Guevara,

the Cuban guerrilla leader.

And Mao Tse-tung,

leader of the
Chinese Communist Party

since 1949.

And the first question
is for you, Karl Marx.

The Hammers.

The Hammers is the nickname
of what English football team?

The Hammers?

No? Well, bad luck there,
Karl.

So we'll go on to you Che.
Che Guevara.

Coventry City last won
the FA Cup in what year?

No?

I'll throw it open.

Coventry City last won
the FA Cup in what year?

No? I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.

It was a trick question.

Coventry City have never won
the FA Cup.

So, with the scores all equal,

now we go on
to our second round

and, Lenin,
it's your starter for 10.

HOST:
Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr

won the Eurovision Song
Contest in 1959.

What was the name of the song?

Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's
song in the 1959 Song Contest?

Anybody? No?

[BUZZER SOUNDS]
-Yes, Mao Tse-tung?

[CHINESE ACCENT]
"Sing, Little Birdie"?

Yes, it was indeed.

Well challenged.

Well, now we come on
to our special gift section.

The contestant is Karl Marx

and the prize this week
is a beautiful lounge suite.

Now, Karl has elected
to answer questions

on the workers' control
of factories,

50 here we go
with question number one.

Are you nervous?

The development
of the industrial proletariat

is conditioned
by what other development?

The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.

Yes, yes, itis indeed.

You're on your way
to your lounge suite, Karl.

Question number two.

The struggle
of class against class

is a what struggle?

A what struggle?

A political struggle.

Yes, yes.

One final question, Karl,

and the beautiful lounge suite
will be yours.

Are you going to have a go?

You're a brave man.
Karl Marx, your final question.

Who won the Cup Final in 19497

Th-th-the workers' control
of the means of production.

The struggle of the urban
proletariat.

No. It was, in fact,
Wolverhampton Wanderers

who beat Leicester 3-1.

[CROWD CHEERS]

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ANNOUNCER:
In World Forum Today,

Karl Marx, Che Guevara,
Lenin, and Mao Tse-tung.

Next week,

four leading heads of state
of the Afro-Asian nations

against Bristol Rovers,
at Molineux.

[HUMS]

Ah, thank you. Just the
word I was looking for.

[MUMBLES]

"I wonder,” said LaFarge,
"just how much Molly knew."

All

So much for bad jokes.

And now a bit of fun.

[GULPS]

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NARRATOR:
In 1914,

the Balance of Power
fay in Ruins.

Europe was plunged
into bloody conflict.

Nation fought nation.

But no nation fought nation
morely than the English,

hip hip hooray! Nice nice!
Yaa boo.

Phillips is a German
and he have my pen...

MAN:
Start again.

NARRATOR: In 1914, the Balance
of Power fay in ruins...

-Jenkins?
-Yes, sarge?

What are you gonna do
when you get back to Blighty?

I don't know, sarge. I expect
I'l be looking after me mum.

She'll be
getting on a bit now.

Got family of your own,
have you?

No, she's...
She's all I got left now.

My wife, Doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have to tell me, son.

No, sarge,
I'd like to tell you,

see, this bloke...

DIRECTOR:
Hold it! Hold it!

Look, loves, can anyone
not involved in this scene,

please leave the set.

Now, come on, please.

Anyone not concerned
in this scene.

The canteen's open upstairs.

Sorry, loves. Sorry.

We'll have to take it again,
from the top, all right?

Okay. Cue!

DIRECTOR:
Hold it, hold it.

Now, who changed the caption?

Can whoever changed
the caption

put the right one back
immediately, please?

Right. All right, we'll take
it again, from the top. Cue.

DIRECTOR: Hold it, hold it. Come on.
Come on, out of there.

You're not in this.

You're just
holding the whole thing up.

Come on, please.

It's no good, loves.
It's no good.

We'll have to leave it
for now.

Come back when everyone's
settled down.

So that means we go over
to the Art Room, all right?

So cue camera three.

DIRECTOR:
Sorry, camera four.

MAN:
Aren't they marvelous?

OTHER MAN:
Yes, yes.

The strength
and boldness.

Life and power
in those colors.

This must be Titian's
masterpiece.

Oh, indeed, if only
for the composition alone.

The strength of those
foreground figures.

The firmness of the line.

Yes, the confidence
of a master

at the height
of his powers.

[WHISTLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Yes?
-Hello, sonny, your dad in?

-ANGEL: Yes.
-Could I speak to him, please?

-It's the man from The Hay Wain.
Who?

The man from The Hay Wain
by Constable.

Dad, it's the man
from The Hay Wain

by Constable to see you.

MAN:
Coming.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Hello? How are you?
Come on in.

Oh, no, no, can't stop,
just passing by, actually.

Oh, where are you now?

Well, may you ask.

We just been moved in next to
aroom full of Brueghels.

Terrible bloody din. Skating
all hours of the night.

Anyway, I just
dropped in to tell you

there's been a walkout
in the Impressionists.

Walkout, eh?

Yeah. It started with
the Déjeuner sur Iherbe lot

they were moved away from
above the radiator or something.

Anyway, the Impressionists
are all out.

Gainshorough's Blue Boy's brought
the 18th-century English portraits,

the Flemish School's solid, the
woodcuts are at the meeting.

Right, well, I'l get
the Renaissance out.

Okay, meeting 4:30.
Bridge at Arles.

Okay, cheerio.
Good luck, son.

-Okay, good night...
-Right. Everybody out.

[DEEP VOICE]:
I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off, dear.

I'm off foo.

MAN [ON RADIO]:
Here is the news.

By an almost unanimous vote,

paintings of
The National Gallery

voted to continue the strike
that has emptied frames

for the last week.

The man from Constable's
The Hay Wain said fast night

that there was
no chance of a return

to the pictures
before the weekend.

Sir Kenneth Clarke has said
he will talk to any painting

if it can help bring
a speedy end to the strike.

WOMAN IN SAW-BOX:
[SCREAMS]

[SAWING STOPS] -At Sotheby's,
prices dropped dramatically

as leading figures
left their paintings.

What am I bid for Vermeer's

Lady Who Used fo be
at a Window?

Do I hear two bob?

-MAN'S VOICE: Two bob.
Gone.

Now, what am I bid
for another great bargain?

Edward Landseer's
Nothing at Bay.

[GRUFF MASCULINE VOICE]
All we bloody want

is alittle bit
of bloody consultation.

ANNOUNCER: At a mass meeting
at Brentford Football Ground,

other works of art
voted to come out

in support of the paintings.

The vote was unanimous.

With one abstention.

Meanwhile, at Television Center, work
began again on a sketch about Ypres.

A spokesman for the sketch said

he fully expected it to be
more sensible this time.

-Jenkins?
-Yes, sarge?

What are you gonna do when
you get back to Blighty?

I don't know, sarge. I expect
Il look after me mum.

She'll be
getting on a bit now.

Got a family of your own,
have you?

No. She's all I got left now.

My wife, Doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have
to tell me, son.

No, sarge,
I'd like to tell you.

You see, this bloke
from up the street--

Okay, chaps, at ease.

I've just been
up the line.

Can we get through, sir?

No, I'm afraid we'll have to make
a break for it at nightfall.

Right, sir.
We're all with you.

Yes, I know, that's just
the problem, sergeant.

How many are there of us?

Sir, there's you,
me, Jenkins

Padre, Kipper.
That's five, sir.

And only rations for...?

-Four, sir.
Precisely.

I'm afraid one of us will have
to take the other way out.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm a goner, major.
Leave me, I'm...

I'm not a complete man
anymore.

You've lost both your arms
as well.

Yes.

Damn silly, really.

No. No, we'll draw for it.

That's the way we do things
in the army.

Sergeant, the straws.

Wotcher.

Right. Now, the man who gets
the shortest straw

knows what to do.

Looks like you, sir.

Isit?

What did we say,
the longest straw, was it?

No, shortest, sir.

Well, we'd better do it again, there's
obviously been a bit of a muddle.

Best of three?

Right. Well,
I got the shortest straw, so...

I decide what means
we use to decide

who's going to do--

to-- to, uh, to, uh,
to do the thing.

To do the right thing.

Now, rank doesn't
enter into this

but obviously,

if I should get through
the lines

I'l be in a very good
position to recommend anyone

very highly,
for a posthumous VC.

No?

Good. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Right.

Dip, dip, dip, my little ship

sails on the ocean, you are--

No. No, wait a minute.
I must have missed out a dip.

I'll start again.

Dip, dip, dip, dip,
my little ship

sails on the ocean, you are--

No, this is not working out.
It's not working out.

W-w-what shall we do?

Uh, how about one potato,
two potato?

Don't be childish, Jenkins.

No, I think--
I think fisties would be best.

Okay, so hands behind backs.

After three, okay?

One, two, three.

Now, what's this?

Uh, stone, stone, stone,
and scissors.

Now, scissors cut everything,
don't they?

-Not stone, sir.
-They're very good scissors.

Padre hasn't been.

[CLEARS THROAT]
No arms, sir.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I--'m afraid I didn't...

Tell you what. All those people
who don't want to stay here

and shoot themselves,
raise their arms.

Stop it! Stop it, stop this,
this hideous facade!

E-- Easy, Padre.

No, no, I must speak.
When I--

When I came to this war,
I had two arms, two good arms.

But when the time came

to lose one, I gave it gladly.

I smiled as they cut if off,

because I knew there was
a future for mankind.

I-- I knew there was hope.

So long as men were prepared
to give their limbs.

When the time came
for me to give my other arm

I gave it gladly. I...

I sang as they sawed it off.
Because I believed.

Oh, you may laugh,

but I believed
with every fiber of my body

with every
drop of rain that falls

a-- a flower grows.

And that flower,

that small,
fragile, delicate flower

shall burst forth
to give a new life.

Anew strength.

[SIREN BLARES]

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PADRE:
Where there is freedom.

Freedom from fear

and freedom from oppression.

And freedom from tyranny.

A world where men and women
of aff races and creeds

can live together in
communion.

And then,
in the twilight of this life

our children
and our children's children...

All our patients here are
suffering from severe overacting.

Arr, Jim Hawkins.

When they're brought in,
they're all really over the top.

And it's our job to try and treat
the condition of overacting.

--am King Rat.

Rather serious.

This is the Richard Il Ward.

My kingdom for a horse.

-Most of these cases are unpleasant.
-A horse.

Nurse.
-A horse.

My kingdom...

Treatment does work
with some people.

This chap came to us straight
from the Chichester Festival.

We operated just in time,
and now he's almost normal.

[GENTLE VOICE]: A horse, a
horse, my kingdom for a horse.

-Arr. Arr.
-l am King Rat.

But, uh, in here

-we have some very nasty cases indeed.
HAMLETS: To be...

or not to be.

BOTH SKULLS:
That is the question.

BOTH:
Tobe...

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

[BOMB WHISTLING]

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Good evening.

First, take a bunch
of flowers.

Pretty begonias,
irises, freesias

and cry-manthesums.

Then, arrange them

nicely in a vase.

Oh! Get in!

Get in! Get in!

-Morning.
-Moming.

What have you got, then?

Well, there's egg and bacon.

Egg, sausage and bacon. Egg
and Spam. Egg, bacon and Spam.

Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, egg, Spam, Spam,
bacon and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam,

egg and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam

baked beans,

Spam, Spam,
Spam and Spam.

Or Lobster thermidor aux
crevettes with a Mornay sauce

garnished with truffle paté, brandy,
and a fried egg on top and Spam.

Have you got anything
without Spam in it?

Well, there's Spam, egg,
sausage and Spam,

that's not got much Spam.

I don't want any Spam.

Why can't she have egg, bacon,
Spam and sausage?

That's got Spam in it.

Not as much as Spam, egg,
sausage and Spam.

Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage, without the Spam?

Eww.
-What do you mean "eww"?

I don't like Spam!

VIKINGS:
I Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam?

I Spammity Spam
Wonderful Spam ♪

Shut up.
Shut up!

You can't have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage without the Spam.

Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon,
Spam and sausage.

I don't like Spam!

Don't make a fuss, dear.

Il have your Spam.
love it.

I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam...

- 2 Spam Spam Spam §
-...Spam, Spam, Spam,

Spam, baked beans, Spam,
Spam and Spam.

Baked beans are off.

Well,
can I have Spam instead?

You mean Spam, Spam, Spam,

-Spam, Spam, Spam...
-} Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

CUSTOMER:
Yes.

Ah, great boobies, honeybun.

My lower intestine is full of

Spam, egg, Spam, bacon,
Spam, tomato, Spam...

-Shut up! Shut up!
-My nipples exp

I Spammity Spam
Wonderful Spam ♪

Another great Viking victory was at
the Green Midget café in Bromley.

Once again, the Viking strategy
was the same.

They sailed
from these fiords here,

assembled at Trondheim, waited for
the strong northeasterly winds

to blow their galleys
to England,

whence they sailed on
May 23rd.

Once in Bromley, they assembled
in the Green Midget cafe

and Spam selecting a Spam
item from the Spam menu would...

-} Spam Spam Spam Spam §
-} Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

-I' Spammity Spam ♪
-} Wonderful Spam ♪

[DISCORDANT SINGING]

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ANNOUNCER: Haagbard Etheldronga
and his Viking hordes

are currently appearing
in Grin and Pillage It

at the Jodrell Theatre,
Colwyn Bay.

The Dirty Hungarian
Phrase Book

is available from

Her Majesty's
Stationery Office.

Price: a kiss on the bum.

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