Original subtitles

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE GIBBERISH]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Ah, Frog. -S. Frog, sir.

Shut up. I want to have a word with you, Frog.

It's about your advertising campaign

for Conquistador Coffee.

I've had the managing director of Conquistador to see me,

and he's very unhappy with your campaign.

Very unhappy.

In fact, he's shot himself.

Badly, sir?

No, extremely well.

Well, before he went

he left a note with the company secretary,

uh, the effect of which was,

how disappointed he was with your work,

and in particular,

why you had changed the name Conquistador Instant Coffee

to Conquistador Instant Leprosy.

Why, Frog?

-S. Frog, sir. -Shut up.

Why did you do it?

It was a joke.

A joke?

No, no, not a joke,

um, a sales campaign.

-I see, Frog. -S. Frog, sir.

Shut up.

Now, let's have a look at the sales chart.

When you took over this account, Frog,

Conquistador was brand leader.

Here you introduced your first campaign:

"Conquistador Coffee

brings a new meaning to the word 'vomit'"

Here, you made your special introductory offer,

of a free dead dog with every jar.

And this followed your second campaign:

"The tingling fresh coffee

which brings you exciting new Cholera,

Mange, Sleepwalkia, Dropsy,

The clap, Hard pad and Athlete's head.

From the House of Conquistador.”

It was a soft sell, sir.

-Why, Frog? -S. Frog, sir.

Shut up!

Well?

People know the name, sir.

They certainly do know the name, they burnt the factory down.

The owner is hiding in my bathroom.

[GUNSHOT] -The owner was hiding in my bathroom.

-You're not gonna fire me, sir? Fire you?!

Three men dead, the factory burnt down,

the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt?

What--? What can you possibly say?

What excuse can you possibly make?

Sorry, Father.

Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally,

um, your film's won a prize.

[0]

[MUSIC SKIPPING]

Sorry about that.

And now for something completely diff--

Completely diff-- Completely-- Completely diff--

Completely different.

Its...

[0]

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[MUSIC SKIPPING]

NARRATOR: 1929, Stanley Baldwin's Conservative government

is defeated, and Ramsay MacDonald becomes,

for the second time, prime minister of England.

[CLOCK TICKING]

Mm.

Phew! My, it's hot in here.

Qoh. Ahh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[WHISTLING]

Hello, come in.

Ah, hello. How much do you want for the briefcase?

Well, I, uh-- -All right then,

the briefcase and the umbrella.

A fiver down, must be my final offer.

I don't really want to sell them. I've come for a job.

Oh, take a seat, take a seat.

Thank you.

I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminum frame.

I'll throw that in, and the fiver,

for the briefcase and umbrella.

No, make it fair, the briefcase, and the umbrella,

and the two pens in your breast pocket,

and the chair's yours, and a fiver,

and a pair of binoculars.

Really, they're not for sale.

Not for sale? What does that mean?

I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

Uh, okay.

How much are you experienced in journalism?

-Five years. -All right.

-Typing speed? Fifty.

-0 Levels? Eight.

-A Levels? -Two.

Right.

-Oh.

And the chair, and an all-wool ex-army sleeping bag,

for the briefcase, the umbrella,

the pens in your pocket,

and your string vest.

Och, when do I start?

-Monday. -Oh, that's marvelous.

If you throw in the shoes.

Hello, Ms. Johnson?

Could we have two coffees and biscuits please?

WOMAN: One coffee and one biscuit

for the two ex-army greatcoats,

and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.

Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp,

for two coffees and biscuits.

Two greatcoats, and two table lamps.

Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boat.

For two coffees and biscuits?

-Done. -Done.

[HUMMING]

[KEYS CLACKING]

NARRATOR: So Ms. Johnson returned to her typing,

and dreamed her little dreamy dreams,

unaware as she was of the cruel trick

fate had in store for her.

For Ms. Johnson was about to fall victim

of the dreaded international Chinese Communist conspiracy.

[CHATTERING]

Yes, these fanatical thieves, under the leadership

of the so-called Mao Zedong,

had caught Ms. Johnson off guard,

~for one brief, but fatal, moment... [WHIMPERING]

And destroyed her, just as they are ready to do any time

to free men anywhere waver in their defense of democracy.

[GUNSHOTS]

[0]

Yes, once again American defense proves its effectiveness

against international communism.

Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country,

we can see how international COMMUNISM Works,

by eroding away from the inside.

When one country, or tooth, falls victim

to international communism, its neighbors soon follow.

In dentistry, this is known as the domino theory.

But with American defense, the decay is stopped before it starts,

and that's why nine out of 10 small countries

choose American defense.

ANNOUNCER: Or Crelm toothpaste, with the miracle ingredient fraudulin.

The white car represents Crem toothpaste,

with the miracle ingredient fraudulin.

The non-white car represents another toothpaste.

Both toothpastes provide 30 percent protection.

At 60 percent protection, both toothpastes are doing well.

And now, at 90 percent protection the-- Wait!

The non-white car is out, and Crem toothpaste

goes on to win with 100 percent protection!

Yes, do like afl smart motorists,

choose Crelm toothpaste.

ANNOUNCER 2: Or Shrill Petrol,

with the new additive, GLC 9424075.

After 6 p.m., 9424047.

Using this white card to represent engine deposits,

and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive,

GLC 9424075, after 6 p.m., 9424077,

we can see how the engine deposits

are pushed off the face of the earth,

by the superior forces available to Shrill--

[GUNSHOT] -Aah!

Anyway, John, you can catch the 11:30 from Hornchurch,

and be in Basingstoke by 1:00.

Oh, and it's a buffet car and--

Oh!

[GASPS] Daddy!

My hat, Sir Horace.

Has he been--?

Yes, after breakfast.

Butit doesn't matter now. He's dead.

Oh! Poor Daddy.

Looks like I shan't be catching the 11:30 now.

Oh, no, John, you mustn't miss your train.

How could I think of catching a train,

when I should be here helping you?

Oh, John, thank you.

Anyway, you could always catch the 9:30 tomorrow.

It goes via Caterham and Chipstead.

Or the 9:45 is even better.

But you'd have to change at Lambs Green.

-Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now. -Oh, yes, of course.

Id forgotten it was Friday.

Oh, who could have done this?

Oh, do hurry, Sir Horace, your train leaves in 28 minutes,

and if you don't catch the 10:15, you won't catch the 3:45,

which leaves you to-- Oh!

I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10:15, Lady Partridge.

Has he been--?

Yes, after breakfast.

Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.

Oh, and it was back to the engine, fourth coach along,

so that he could see the gradient signs

outside Swanborough.

JOHN: Not anymore, Lady Partridge.

The line's been closed.

Closed? Not Swanborough?

I'm afraid so.

All right, nobody move.

I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard.

My word, you were here quickly, inspector.

I got the 8:55 Pullman Express from King's Cross,

and missed that bit around Hornchurch.

-That's a very good train. -Oh, it's excellent.

Hello, everyone. -Tony.

Where's Daddy? Oh, golly!

-Has he been--? -Yes, after breakfast.

Then he won't be needing his reservation on the 10:15.

Exactly.

And I suppose, as his eldest son, it must go to me.

Just a minute, Tony.

There's a small matter of... murder.

Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.

How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun,

without first canceling his reservation?

Aha...

Well, I must dash or I'l be late for the 10:15.

I suggest you murdered your father for his seat reservation.

I may have had the motive, inspector,

but I could not have done it.

For I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8:13,

and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it.

But the 8:13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car.

It's a standing buffet only.

Uh, did I say the 8:13? I meant the 7:58 stopping train.

But the 7:58 stopping train arrived at Swindon at 8:19,

owing to annual point maintenance at Wisborough Junction.

So how did you make the connection with the 8:13,

which left six minutes earlier?

Uh, uh... Simple. I caught the 7:16 Football Special,

arriving at Swindon at 8:09.

But the 7:16 Football Special only stops at Swindon

on alternate Saturdays.

Yes, surely you mean the Holidaymaker Special.

Oh, yes. How daft of me.

Of course. I came on the Holidaymaker Special,

calling at Bedford, Colmworth,

Vendetton, Sutton, Wallington and Gillingham.

That's Sundays only.

Damn.

Allright, I confess. did it

I killed him for his reservation.

But you won't take me alive!

I'm going to throw myself under the 10:12 from Reading.

Don't be a fool, Tony, don'tdoit.

The 10:12 has the new narrow fraction bogies.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

Exactly.

[0]

ANNOUNCER: That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit,

It All Happened On the 11:20 From Hainault to Redhill,

Via Horsham and Reigate, Calling at Carshalton Beaches,

Malmesbury, Tooting Bec and Croydon West.

The author is Mr. Neville Shunt.

[IMITATING TRAIN ENGINE AND WHISTLE]

Train now standing at platform:

[IMITATING TRAIN ENGINE]

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

RINGING] -Whoo!

Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work

as a load of rubbish about railway timetables,

but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants,

see this as a deliberate ambiguity,

a plea for understanding in a mechanized world.

The points are frozen. The beast is dead.

What is the difference? What, indeed, is the point?

The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington.

The point is taken.

If La Fontaine's elk

would spurn Tom Jones,

the engine must be our head,

the dining car our esophagus,

the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins,

the first-class compartment,

the piece of skin at the nape of the neck,

and the crossing, an electric elk called Simon.

The clarity is devastating.

But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box.

Shunt is saying the 8:15 from Gillingham,

when, in reality, he means the 8:13 from Gillingham.

The train is the same, only the time is altered.

Ecce homo, ergo elk.

La Fontaine knew its sister, and knew her bloody well.

The point is taken, the beast is molting, the fluff gets up your nose.

The illusion is complete, it's reality.

Reality is illusion, and the ambiguity is the only truth.

Butis the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box?

No. There isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight.

The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon.

Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment,

and La Fontaine can get knotted.

Gavin Millarrrrrrrrr--

[ROLLING R'S]

was not talking to Neville Shunt.

From the world of the theater, we turn to the world of dental hygiene.

No, no, no.

From the world of theater, we turn to the silver screen.

We honor one of the silver screen's

outstanding writer-dentists--

Uh, writer-directors.

Martin Curry, who is visiting London,

to have a tooth-- For the pre-molar--

Premiere of his filling--

Film next Toothday--

Tuesday, at the Dental Theater

Film Theater.

Martin Curry talking to Matthew Palate-- Padget.

Martin Curry, welcome.

One of the big teeth

Um, big points that the American critics made

about your latest film, The Twelve Caesars,

was that it was on so all-embracing a topic.

Now, what made you undertake 0 enormous a tusk?

Task!

Well, I've

I've always been interested in Imperial Rome,

right from Julius Caesar, right through to Vespasian.

Who? -Vespasian.

-Oh, Vespasian. -Yes.

When I saw your film, it did seem to me

that you had taken a rather, um, subjective approach to it.

I'm sorry?

Well, I mean, all your main characters had these enormous

Well, not enormous, but uh,

these, um, very big...

Let's have a look at a clip,

in which Julius Incisor-- Caesar.

--talks to his generals

during the battle against Caractacus.

I don't see that at all.

Shall I order the cavalry

that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?

SOLDIERS: Thus, oh, Caesar.

Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.

Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big--

Um, very big, uh, teeth?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, even in your biblical epic, The Son of Man.

John the Baptist had the most enormous dental appendages,

and, of course, um,

himself had the most monumental ivories.

No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all.

Well, um-- -Could I have a straw?

Oh, a straw, yes, yes.

While we're doing that, um, perhaps we can take another look

at an earlier film, Trafalgar.

Cover my coat, Mr. Bush,

the men must not know of this till victory is ours.

The surgeon's coming, sir.

No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved.

He can do little for me, I fear.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hardy? Hardy?

Sir?

Put your hand on my thigh.

Ha.

Well, Martin Curry, thank you.

Well, we asked the first-night audience

what they thought of that film.

It wasn't true to life.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

I thought it was totally bizarre.

Well, I've been in the city for over 40 years,

and I think the importance of looking after poor people

cannot be understressed.

Well, I've been in the city for 20 years,

and I must admit

I'm lost.

MAN: Well, I've been in the city all my life,

and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.

Well, I've been in the city since I was two,

and I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.

Doo-dah, Mr. Bulstrode's stuck again.

I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.

Well, I've been in the city for 30 years,

and I've never once regretted being a nasty,

greedy, cold-hearted, avaricious money-grubber.

Conservative.

and I'd like to see the reintroduction of flogging.

Every Thursday, ‘round my place.

Well, I've been in the sea for 33 years

and I've never regretted it.

-MAN 1: Neither have I. -MAN 2: Neither have I.

MAN 1: Yes.

[MEN CHATTERING]

1 think it must be a naturalist outing.

No.

I think it must be one of them crackpot religions.

This is an example of the sort of abuse,

we get all the time from ignorant people.

I inherited this religion from my father,

an ex-used-car salesman,

and part-time window box, and I am very proud

to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts.

You get this luxury tea trolley with every new enrollment.

In addition to this, you can win,

a three-piece lounge suite,

this luxury caravan,

a weekend for two with Peter Bonetti,

and tonight's star prize,

the entire Norwich City Council.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

And remember, with only eight scoring draws,

you can win a bishopric in a sea of your own choice.

You see, we have a much more modern approach to religion.

[COIN CLANKING]

Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries, Ltd.

You see, in our church, we have a lot more fun.

Well, Mrs. Collins,

you did say you were nervous, didn't you?

You have eyes on the coffee machine?

I don't mind, I don't mind.

It's just nice to be here, Reverend.

Archdeacon.

Well, you asked for the coffee machine

so let's see what you've won.

You chose Hymn 437.

Oh, Mrs. Collins,

you had eyes on the coffee machine.

Well, you have won tonight's star prize:

The entire Norwich City Council!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

I've got one already.

Alot of religions-- No names, no pack deal.

--do go for the poorer type of person.

Face it, there's more of them.

Poor people, thieves, villains,

poor people without no money at all.

Well, we don't have none of that tat.

Rich people and crumpet over 16 can enter free.

Upper middle class, quite welcome.

Lower middle class, not under five-grand a year.

Lower class, I can't touch it.

There's no return on it, you see.

Do you have any difficulty converting people?

Oh, no, well, we have ways of making them join.

Norman there does alot of converting,

a lot of protection, that sort of thing.

And, uh, there's his mate, Bruce Beer.

Brucie has personally converted 92 people,

25 inside the distance.

Then again, we're not afraid to use more modern methods.

ANNOUNCER: Sarah, today's diocesan lovely,

is enough to make any chap go down on his knees.

This 23-year-old bishop hails, appropriately enough,

from Bishop's Stortford, and lists her hobbies

as swimming, riding, and film producers. What a gas!

Bet she's no novice when it comes

fo converting all in her sea.

Basically...

I believe in peace,

and bashing two bricks together.

I'm starting a war for peace.

[HACKING]

Cor, blimey.

I'm raising polecats for peace.

[COUGHS]

Peace? I like a piece.

Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Say no more. Nudge, nudge.

Our religion is the first church

to cater for the naughty type of person.

If you'd like a bit of, uh, love-your-neighbor--

And who doesn't now and again?

--then see Vera and Ciceley during the hymns.

In our church, we try to help people to help themselves.

To cars, washing machines, lead piping, no questions asked.

We are the only church, apart from the Baptists,

to do respray jobs.

We at the Church of the Divine Loony,

believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple.

[LAUGHING]

I'd like to come in here for a moment, if I may,

and disassociate our church

from these frivolous and offensive religions.

We are primarily concerned with what is best--

[RINGS]

Hello? Oh.

Well, how about Allied Breweries?

All right, but keep the Rio Tinto.

-for the human soul.

In our church, we believe first and foremost in you.

[MUTTERING]

We want you to think of us as your friend.

[MUTTERING]

Now, as I...

Oh, hello?

What? I can't hear you.

Hey Harry, we've got a bad connection on line 422, can you switch the points over?

No that's still not got it, no no, oh the Devil take it.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Did somebody call?

Oh I'm sorry, I think this is rather the wrong moment for sales talk.

Terribly sorry, my fault. Excuse me please.

NARRATOR: In this picture there are 40 people.

None of them can be seen.

In this film we hope to show you

how not to be seen.

This is Mr. E.R. Bradsaw of Napier Court,

Black Lion Road, SES.

He cannot be seen.

Now, I'm going to ask him fo stand up.

Mr. Bradsaw, will you stand up, please?

[GUNSHOT]

This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

In this picture we cannot see

Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Crescent, Belmont.

Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please?

[GUNSHOT]

This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town.

Mr. Nesbitt, would you stand up, please?

Mr. Nesbitt has leant the first lesson of not being seen:

not fo stand up.

However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestry,

has presented us with a poser.

We do not know which bush he is behind,

but we can soon find out.

[MAN SCREAMS]

Yes, it was the middle one.

Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough,

has concealed himself extremely well.

He could be almost anywhere.

He could be behind the wall inside the water barrel,

beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree,

squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow,

or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes.

However, we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage,

Worplesdon Road, Hull,

chose a very cunning way of not being seen.

When we called at their house,

we found they had gone away on two weeks' holiday.

They had not left any forwarding address,

and they had bolted and barred the house

fo prevent us getting in.

However, a neighbor told us where they were.

[MAN & WOMAN SCREAM]

And here is the neighbor who told us where they were.

[GRUNTS]

Nobody likes a clever Dick.

And this is where he lived.

And this is where Lord Langdon lived,

who refused to speak to us.

And so did the gentleman who lived here.

And here.

And, of course, here.

And Manchester.

And the U.S. midlands.

Spain.

China!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

Ah. Well, I'm afraid we have to stop the film there,

as some of the scenes which followed,

were of a violent nature which might have proved distressing

to some of our viewers.

Though not to me, I can tell you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

In Nova Scotia today,

Mr. Roy Bent of North Walsham in Norfolk,

became the first man to cross the Atlantic on a tricycle.

His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing,

was 90-foot long, with a protective steel hull,

three funnels, 17 first-class cabins and a radar scanner.

Mr. Bent is in our Durham studios.

Which is rather unfortunate,

aswe'reall down here in London.

And in London--

In London I have with me Mr. Ludovic Grayson.

The man who scored all six goals in Arsenal's 1-0 victory

over the

Qver the Turkish champions, FC Botty.

Ludovic, first of all, congratulations on the victory.

Thank you, David.

Should--

Should send you back to botty with a big lead.

Oh, yes, we're fairly confident, David.

Well, at the moment, Ludovic,

you're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.

Yes, that's right, David, I'm trying not to be seen.

I see. Uh, is this through fear?

Oh, no, no, it's common sense really.

If they can't see you, they can't get you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-But, of course, they can still hear you. -Huh?

[EXPLOSION] -Aaah!

Ludovic Grayson, thank you very much,

for coming on the program tonight.

And we end the show with music.

And here with their latest recording,

"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love in My Tummy,"

Jackie Charlton and the Tonettes.

[0]

I Yummy, yummy, yummy 1 got love in my tummy ♪

2 And I feel like A-loving you

7 Love, you're stich A sweet thing

I Good enough to eat thing ♪

7 And it's just what I'm gonna do ♪

2 Ooh, love to hold yas

1 Ooh, love to kiss ya ♪

♪ Ooh, love, Hove it so ♪

1 Ooh, love, you're sweeter

I Sweeter than sugar ♪

♪ Ooh, love won't let you go ♪

I Yummy, yummy, yummy 1 got love in my tummy ♪

7 And as silly as it may seem}

1 The lovin' that you're givin' Is what keeps me livin'?

I And your love is like Peaches and cream

7 Kinda like sugar §

I Kinda like spices I

I Kinda like Like what you do ♪

1 Kinda sounds funny

7 But your love, honey ♪

2 And honey, I love you I

IBada Badadadadal

♪ Badada Dada dadadal

I Yummy yummy yummy... ♪

ANNOUNCER: For those who may have just missed

Monty Python's Flying Circus, here it is again.

[0]

1 The lovin' that you're givin' Is what keeps me livin'?

I And your love is like Peaches and cream

7 Kinda like sugar... ♪