All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e08.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

Here is a preview

of some of the programs
you'll be able to see

coming shortly
on BBC Television.

To kick off with,
there's variety.

Peter West and Brian Johnston
star in Rain Stopped Play,

a wacky new comedy series
about the gay exploits

of two television
cricket commentators,

with E. W. Swanton as Aggie,
the kooky Scots maid.

For those of you
who don't fike variety,

there's variety, with Brian
Close at the Talk of the Town.

And, of course,
there'll be sport.

The Classics
series return to BBC 2,

with 26 episodes of John
Galsworthy's Snooker My Way,

with Nyree Dawn Porter

repeating her friumph
as Joe Davis.

And, of course,
there'll be sport.

Comedy is not forgotten
with Jim Laker

in Thirteen Weeks
of Off-spin Bowling.

Jim plays the zany
bachelor bowler

in a new series of Owzat,

with Anneli Drummond-Hay
on Mr. Softee as his wife.

And, of course,
there'll be sport.

Panorama will be returning,
introduced, as usual,

by Tony Jacklin,

and Lulu will be tackling
the Old Man of Hoy.

And for those of you who
prefer drama, there's sport.

On Show of the Week
Kenneth Wolstenholme sings.

And for those of you
who don't like television,

there's David Coleman.

But now for something
completely different. Sport.

[0]

[MAN]
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[WIND WHOOSHES]

[0]

[HAMMERING]

[0]

[MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS]

Good, blimey.
Look what we found.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[MAN 1]
What an amazing find.

[MAN 2]
It really is fantastic.

[MAN 3] It's the archaeclogical
find of the century.

[MAN 4]
Itis, indeed, indeed...

[MAN] Gentlemen, from
this single part,

and months
of painstaking research,

we've been able to accurately
reconstruct this entire beast.

[0]

Hello. On Archaeology Today
tonight,

I have with me Professor Lucien
Kastner of Oslo University.

Uh, good evening.

How tall are you,
professor?

I beg your pardon?

How tall are you?

I'm about 5-foot-10.

And an expert in Egyptian
tomb paintings. Sir Robert--

Are you really
5-oot-10?

Yes.

Funny, you look much
shorter than that.

Are you slumped forward
in your chair?

Well, no, H...

Extraordinary.
Sir Robert Eversley,

who's Just returned from
the excavations at El Ara.

And you must be
well over 6-foot.

In fact, I think you're
6-foot-5, aren't you?

Uh, yes.

[SCREECHING]

Oh, that's marvelous.

You're a different kind of
specimen to Professor Kastner.

Straight in your seat,
erect, firm.

Yes. I thought we were here
to discuss archaeology.

Yes, yes, of course we are,
yes, absolutely,

oh, you're absolutely right.
Heh-ho.

That's positive thinking
for you.

You wouldn't have said that,
would you?

You 5-foot-10-inch weed.

Sir Robert Eversley,

who's very interesting,

what have you discovered
in the excavations at EI Ara?

Uh, well, basically we have
found a complex of tombs--

Very good speaking voice.

--uh, which present
dramatic evidence

of Polynesian influence

in Egypt in the third dynasty,
which is quite remarkable.

How tall
were the Polynesians?

- Ah, they were--
- Shh.

Well, they were rather small,
seafaring--

Short men, were they?
All squat and bent up?

- Who were the tall people?
- I don't know.

Who's that really tall
tribe in Africa?

- This is hardly archaeology.
- The Watutsi.

That's it, the Watutsi.
Oh, that's the tribe.

Some of them were
8-foot tall. Oh.

Can you imagine that,
eight foot of Watutsi?

Not one on another's
shoulders.

Oh, no,
8-foot of solid Watutsi. Oh.

That's what I call tall

Yes, but it's nothing to do
with archaeology.

Oh, to hell
with archaeology.

Let me speak.

I came all the way from Oslo
to do this program.

I'm a professor
of archaeology.

I'm an expert
in ancient civilizations.

Al right,
I'm only 5-foot-10.

All right,
my posture is bad.

All right,
I slump in my chair.

But I've had more women
than either of you two.

I've had half of Norway,
that's what I've had.

So you can keep your
Robert Eversley!

And keep
your bloody Watutsi.

I'd rather have
my little body.

My little
5-foot-10-inch body.

[SOBBING]

Bloody fool. Look what
you've done to him.

Don't "bloody fool" me.

I'l do what I like,
because I'm 6-foot-5,

and I eat punks
like you for breakfast.

Whoa.

I'l get you for that,
Eversley.

I'l get you
if I have to travel

to the four corners
of the earth.

[0]

[0]

[WOMAN] The dig was
going well that year.

We had discovered some Hittite
baking dishes

from the fifth dynasty,

and Sir Robert was happier
than I had ever seen him.

♪ Today ♪

1 { hear the robin sing ♪

♪ The thrush is on the wing ♪

I Who knows what life
Will bring? ♪

Why...

A Sumerian drinking vessel
of the fourth dynasty.

♪ Today ♪

Catalog this pot, Danielle,
it's fourth dynasty.

Ooh, isit..?

Yes, its...Sumerian.

Oh, how wonderful.

Oh, I'am so happy for you.

I'm happy too,
now at last we know

there was a Sumerian
influence here

Two thousand years before
the reign of Tutankhamen.

♪ Today ♪

1 { hear the robin sing ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ The thrush is on the wing ♪

[IN UNISON]
I Today

I Who knows what life
Will bring? ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

All right, Eversley,
get up out of that trench.

Don't forget,

I'm 6-foot-5.

That doesn't worry me.

Kastner.

Here, lord.

Up.

Eleven-foot-three?

I'm so tall.

[LAUGHING]
I'm so tall

Danielle.

Eleven-foot-six. Damn you.

Abdul.

Fifteen-foot-four.

Mustapha.

Nineteen-foot-three. Damn you.

[ALL GRUNTING, YELLING]

And there we end this edition
of Archaeology Today.

Next week, the Silbury dig, by
Cole Porter,

with Pearl Bailey
and Arthur Negus.

[ANNOUNCER] And now,
an appeal for sanity,

from the Reverend
Arthur Belling.

You know, there are many people
in the country today who,

through no fault of their own,
are sane.

Some of them were bom sane.

Some of them became sane
later in their lives.

Itis up to people
like you and me,

who are out of
our tiny little minds,

to try and help these people
overcome their sanity.

You can start in small ways

with ping pong-ball eyes
and a funny voice.

And then you can paint
half of your body red

and the other half green.

And then you can jump
up and down

in a bowl of treacle going:

[SQUAWKING]

And then you can go:

Nuh, nuh, nuh.

And then you can roll around
on the floor going:

'ting, ping,
"ting, p'ting,
Ping Fie

The Reverend Arthur Belling
is vicar

of St. Loony-Up-The-Cream-
Bun- and-Jam.

Good evening.
My name is Leapy Lee.

No, sorry. That's the name
of me favorite singer.

My name is Mrs. Fred Stolle.

No, no. Mrs. Fred Stolle
is the wife

of me favorite tennis player.

My name is Bananas.

No, no, that's me
favorite fruit.

I'm Mrs. Nice-Evening-
out-at-the-Pictures-

Then-Perhaps-a-Dance-
Then-Back-to-His-Place-

for-Coffee-
and-a-Little-Bit-of--

No. No, sorry.

That's me favorite way
of spending a night out.

Perhaps I am Leapy Lee?
Yes, I must be Leapy Lee.

Hello fans. Leapy Lee here.

7 Little arrows that will-- I

[RINGS]

Hello?

Evidently, I'm not Leapy Lee.

I thought I probably
wouldn't be.

Thank you, I'l tell them.

Hello, Denis Compton here.

No, no. No, no.
I should have written it down.

Now where's that number?

I'm Mao Tse-tung.
I'm P.P. Amold.

I'm Margaret Thatcher.
I'm Sir Gerald Nabarro.

Hello? Sir Len Hutton here.
Could you tell me, please--?

Oh, am 1? Oh, thank you.

Good evening. I'm Mrs. What-
Number-Are-You-Dialing-Please?

- Uh, good morning.
- Good morning.

- A-are you the registrar?
- I have that function.

Well, I was here on Saturday,
getting married to a blond girl,

and I'd like to change,
please.

I'd like to have
this one instead.

What do you mean?

The other one
wasn't any good

50 I'd like to swap
it for this one, please.

I have paid.
I paid on Saturday.

Here's the ticket.

Ah. Ah, no. That-- That was
when you were married.

Yes. That was when I was
married to the wrong one.

I didn't like the color.

This is the one I want,
so if you change the forms

I can take this one now.

I can't do that.

Look, make it simple,
I'l pay again.

No, you can't do that.

Just change the wife,
say the words,

- back to my place, no questions.
- I'm sorry, sir,

but we're not
allowed to change.

- You can at Harrods.
- You can't.

I changed my record player,
and there wasn't a grumble.

- Its different.
- And I changed my pet snake.

And I changed my Robin
Day tie.

You can't change a
bloody wife.

Oh, all right!

Can I borrow one
for the weekend?

- No.
- Oh, blimey,

I only wanted a jolly good--

[WHISTLE]

Allright, break it up. All
right, what's your number, then?

- Allright. Right, name?
- Cook.

[WHISTLE]

Next, please. Name?

- Uh, Watson.
- Mr. Watson.

Uh, no, doctor.

Ah. Mr. Doctor.

No, not mister, doctor.

Oh, Dr. Doctor.

No, Dr. Watson.

Dr. Watson Doctor.

Oh, just call me darling.

- Hello, Mr. Darling.
- No, doctor.

Hello, Dr. Darling.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ANNOUNCER] But at
Wembley, play had resumed.

[CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING]

Meanwhile, nearby
the day was just beginning

for Mugsy Spaniel,
a convicted gangster

and well-known swell guy.

Breakfast, dear.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Happy birthday, Mugsy.

Bloody eggs.

Yes, indeed.
This was the work

of none other
than Eggs Diamond,

leader of the notorious
Chicken Gang.

[CLUCKING]

Dinsdale.

With the gang out for blood,
aman's life

wasn't worth the paper
it was printed on.

Already there have been murders
committed here and here,

and the latest one right here.

He's right, you know.

[GROANS]

The powerful forces
Eggs set loose on the city,

were to be his undoing.

Return with us now
to the hideout.

[GUNSHOTS, CLUCKING]

[0]

These and other fascinating
lies are yours for the reading,

in this beautifully bound
volume.

Bite now, suckers.
This is an ideal gift.

A must for all you out there
who long to sound clever

at your next cocktail party.

Ah, John. Allow me to introduce
my next-door neighbor.

John Stokes,
this is

A Sniveling Little
Rat-faced Git. Ah.

Hello. I noticed
a slight look of anxiety

cross your face
for a moment just then,

but you needn't worry.
I'm used to it, heh.

That's the trouble
of having a surname like Git.

Oh, yes, yes.

We did think of having
it changed,

by deed poll, you know,

to Watson or something
like that.

But A Sniveling Little
Rat-faced Watson's

just as bad, eh?

Yes, yes,
I suppose so. Yes.

Oh, that's my wife.
Darling.

Come and meet Mr.--
What was it?

- Uh, Stokes, uh, John Stokes.
- Oh, yes.

John Stokes, this is my wife,
Dreary Fat Boring Old.

Oh, uh, h-how do you do?

How do you do?

Darling,
there you are.

Yes, yes,
here I am, yes.

Oh,
is this your wife?

Yes, yes, yes.
Th-this is the wife, yes.

Um, darling, these--
These are the Gits.

- What?
- The Gits.

Oh, heaven's sakes,
we are being formal.

Does it have
to be surnames?

Oh, no, no.
Not at all.

Um, no. Th-this is, uh,

my wife Norah.
Uh, Norah Jane.

Norah Jane Stokes, heh.

This is A Snivelling
Little Rat-faced Git.

And this is his wife,
Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.

I was just telling your husband
what an awful bore it is

having a surname like Git.

Oh. Oh, well,
it's not that bad.

Oh, you've no idea
how the kids get taunted.

Why, only last week,
Dirty Lying Little Two-faced

came running home from school,
sobbing his eyes out.

And our youngest, Ghastly
Spotty Horrible Vicious Little

is just at the age when taunts
like "She's a git" really hurt.

Yes.
[VOMITS]

Do you, uh,
live round here?

Yes, we live up the road.
Number 49, you can't miss it.

We've just had the outside
painted with warm pus.

Yes, it's very nice,
actually.

It goes nicely
with the vomit and catarrh

we've had smeared
over the front door.

We ought to be going. We have
two children to collect.

Oh. Well, bring them round
for tea tomorrow.

It's Ghastly
Spotty Cross-eyed's birthday

and she's having a spotting
and disemboweling party

for a few friends.

and the Rectums
from Swanage.

[0]

Ah, John. Allow me to introduce
my next-door neighbor.

John, this is Mr. Watson.

Hello. I noticed a slight
look of anxiety

cross your face just then,
but you needn't worry.

I preferred the dirty version.

Well, I've been a hunter
all my life. I love animals.

That's why I like to kill ‘em.

I wouldn't kill an animal
I didn't like.

Good day, Roy.

[NARRATOR] Hank and Roy Spim are
tough, fearless backwoodsmen,

who have chosen to live in
a violent, unrelenting world

of nature's creatures, where
only the fittest survive.

Today they are
off to hunt mosquitoes.

[ROY] The mosquito's a
clever little bastard.

You can track him
for days and days

until you really get to
know him like a friend.

He knows you're there,
and you know he's there.

It's a game of wits.

You hate him,
then you respect him,

then you kill him.

[NARRATOR] Suddenly, Hank spots
the mosquito they're after.

[0]

Now more than ever,
they must rely on the skills

they have learned
from a lifetime's hunting.

Hank gauges the wind.

Roy examines
the mosquitos spoor.

Then:

It's a success.
The mosquito now is dead.

But Roy must make sure.

[ROY] There's nothing more
dangerous than a wounded mosquito.

[NARRATOR]
But the hunt is not over.

With well-practiced skill,
Hank skins the mosquito.

The wings of a fully-grown
male mosquito

can fetch anything
up to 0.8 of a penny

on the open market.

[0]

[NARRATOR]
The long day is over,

and if's back to base camp
for a night's rest.

Here,
surrounded by their trophies,

Roy and Hank prepare
for a much tougher ordeal.

A moth hunt.

Well, I follow the moth
in the helicopter

to lure it away
from the flowers,

and then Roy comes along
in the Lockheed Starfighter,

and attacks it with
air-to-air missiles.

Alot of people
have asked us

why we don't
use fly spray.

Well, where's the sport
in that?

[NARRATOR]
For Roy, sport is everything.

Ever since he lost his left
arm battling with an ant,

Roy has risked his life

in the pursuit
of tiny creatures.

[0]

But it's not all work,
and for relaxation

they like nothing more
than a day's fishing.

[0]

Wherever there
is a challenge,

Hank and Roy Spim
will be there,

ready fo carry on
the primordial struggle

between man and inoffensive,
tiny insects.

[0]

Oh, I've had such a moming
in the high court.

I could stamp my little feet
the way those Q.C.s carry on.

Don't I know it, love.

Objection here,
objection there.

And that nice policeman
giving his evidence so well.

Beautiful speaking voice.

Well, after a bit all I could
do was bang my little gavel.

- You what, love?
- I banged me gavel.

- Oh.
- I did me "silence in court" bit.

Oh, if looks could kill,
that prosecuting counsel

would be in for 30 years.

How did your summing up go?

Well, I was quite
pleased actually.

I was trying to do
my butch voice:

[DEEP VOICE] "What the
jury must understand.”

And they loved it. I could see
that foreman eyeing me.

- Really?
- Yes, cheeky devil.

Was it the tall man with--?

Just a minute. I must finish.

Anyway, I finished up with:

[DEEP VOICE]
"The actions of these men

"is a violent stain
on the community,

"and the full penalty
of the law

"is scarcely sufficient

to deal with
their ghastly crimes."

And I waggled my wig.
Just ever so slightly,

but it was
a stunning effect.

Oh, I bet it was.
Like that super time

I wore that striped robe
in the magistrates court.

Oh, aye.

Hello, Mrs. Thing.

How are you then?

Oh, I have had a moming.

♪ Busy?
- "Busy?" Huh.

I got up at 5:00,

I made myself a cup of tea,
I looked out of the window.

Well, by then I was
50 worn out,

I'had to come
and have a sit-down.

I've been here
for seven hours.

You must be exhausted.

Oh, have you been shopping?

No, I've been shopping.

Funny.
I'm worn out.

I've been shopping
for six hours.

- What have you bought, then?
- Nothing.

Nothing at all.
A complete waste of time.

- Wicked, isn't it?
- Wicked.

Itll be worse when we join
the Common Market.

That nice Mr. Heath
would never allow that.

- I's funny he never married.
- He's a bachelor.

Oh, that would
explain it.

Oh, dear me, all this
chatting away wears me out.

Yes. I bet
Mrs. Reginald Maudling

doesn't have to put up
with all this drudgery,

getting up at 5 in the
morning, making a cup of tea,

looking out of the window,
chatting away.

No, it'd all be done
for her.

Yes, she'd have the whole day
free for playing snooker.

She wouldn't go through
all the drudgery

of playing snooker,
day in, day out.

Itd all be done for her.

She wouldn't even
have to lift the cue.

She probably doesn't know
where the billiard room is.

No, still, it's not as bad
as the old days.

Mrs. Stanley Baldwin
used to have to get up

at 5:00 in the morning,

and go out and catch partridges
with her bare hands.

Yes, and Mrs. William Pitt
the Elder

used to have to get up at 3:00
and go burrowing for truffles

with the bridge
of her nose.

Mrs. Beethoven
used fo have to get up

at midnight to spur
on the myna bird.

Lazy creatures,
myna birds.

Yes. When Beethoven went deaf,
the myna bird just used to mime.

Oh, what's happening?

It's all right.
It's only a flashback.

You don't fool me, you stupid
myna bird. I'm not deaf yet.

Just you wait.

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, bugger.
- Shut up.

- Right in the wing.
- Shut your beak.

Gott in Himmel,
1 never get any peace here.

[PLAYS PIANO]

- Ludwig.
- What?

Have you seen
the sugar bowl?

No, I haven't seen
the bloody sugar bowl.

- You know, the sugar bowl.
- Sod the sugar bowl.

I'm trying to finish
this stinking tune.

[SOBS]

It's driving me spare.
So shut up.

[CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO]

No, no, no, no.

Ludwig, have you seen
the jam spoon?

Stuff the jam spoon.

Itwas
in the sugar bowl.

Look, get out you old rat-bag.
Buzz off and shut up.

I don't know what you see
in that piano.

Leave me alone.

[CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO]

Ha, ha, ha.

I've done it, I've done it.

Do you want peanut butter or
sandwich spread for your tea?

- What?
- Peanut butter.

I've forgotten it.
I had it. I had it.

Do you want peanut butter
or sandwich spread?

I don't care.

Oh. I don't know.

[PLAYS PIANO]

I'had it. I had it, you
old bag.

Mein lieber Gott.

What are you doing?

[CLATTERING, HAMMERING]

What's that? What is--?

It's the plumber.

[CLATTER CONTINUES]

Gott in Himmel,
I'm going out.

Well, if you're going out don't
forget we've the Mendelssohns

coming for tea so don't forget
to order some pikelets.

Pikelets, pikelets.

Shakespeare never
had this trouble.

You wanna bet?

Incidentally, it's:

Da-da-da-dum.

[LOWER]
Da-da-da- dum.

You're right. Oh,
incidentally,

why not call him Hamlet?

Hamlet I like.
Much better than David.

Michelangelo, you can use
David. I won't sue.

Thanks, but I've had
a better idea.

[WOMAN SHOUTING)
Michelangelo.

Oh, yes, dear.

[WOMAN]
I've had another son.

Oh, my life.

Composer?

I wouldn't wish it on my son.
He's a sensitive boy already.

I'd rather he was a sewage
attendant or a rat catcher.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Aha. Rats at 42A
Kartoffelnstrasse.

[SHOUTING] Hey, Mitzi. I
gotta go to Potato Street.

MITZI)
Put your galoshes on.

[ANNOUNCER] Depressed by rats?
Do mice get you down?

Then why not visit

Colin Mozart's
Rodent Exterminating Boutique?

Rats extirpated, mice
punished.

Voles torn apart
by Colin Mozart.

Munich's leading
furry animal liquidator.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Yes?
- Colin Mozart.

Oh, thank goodness
you've come.

We're having a terrible time
with them bleeding rats.

I think they live
in his stupid piano already.

[BEETHOVEN]
Get out the bloody piano,

you stupid furry
bucktoothed gits.

Get out.

[PLAYING PIANO]

Gott in Himmel.

Get your stinking tail
out of my face.

[CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO]

[SCREAMS]

So anyway, Beethoven was
rather glad when he went deaf.

1 So let's celebrate

I I'm feeling great ♪

1 I'm the guy that found
The lost chord

Well, I was ever so glad
they abolished hanging,

because that black cap
just didn't suit me.

Yes. Do you remember
the Glasgow treason trial?

Oh, yes, I wore a body
stocking all through it.

No, hen,
with the party afterwards.

That's right.
You were walking out with

that very butch clerk
of the court.

That's right. He made me want
to turn queen's evidence.

Oh, me too. One summing up
and I'm anybody's.

Oh, anyway,
bailie Anderson.

- Oh, her?
- Yes. She's so strict.

She was on at me for giving
dolly sentences,

especially
that arson case.

What was the verdict?

They preferred
the brown wig.

I love
the Scottish assizes.

I know what they mean
by a really well-hung jury.

Oh. Get back in the witness
box, you're too sharp to live.

- Il smack your little botty.
- Oh. And again.

Uh, have you tried that
new body rub J.P.s use?

I'had a magistrate
in Bradford yesterday.

Funnily enough I felt like one
in a lunchtime recess today.

But the ones I really like are
those announcers on the BBC,

after the programs are over.

Course they're as bent
as safety pins.

I know, but they've got
beautiful speaking voices.

[IMITATING ANNOUNCER] "And now a
choice of viewing on BBC Television."

[IMITATING ANNOUNCER] "Here are
tonight's football results."