All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e07.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[0]

[ANNOUNCER 1]
In the fifth century,

as the once-mighty
Roman Empire crumbled,

the soft underbelly
of Western Europe

fay invitingly exposed

fo the barbarian hordes
fo the east.

Alaric the Visigoth,

Gaiseric the Vandal,

and Theodoric the Ostrogoth
in turn swept westward

in a reign of terror.

But none surpassed
in power and cruelty

the mighty Attila the Hun.

[ANNOUNCER 2] Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Attila the Hun Show.

[TONY ROMEO'S
"JUST ALITTLE LOVE" PLAYING]

I With a little love
Just a fittle love

2 Open you heart?

7 And see where if's needed ♪

♪ Feel it in your heart
When you've succeeded ♪

I Making all the sounds
Of love ♪

1 Getting some sun
And you're alive

I Making all the clouds
Rofl away ?

7 Letting some sun
In your life

♪ And you can light

♪ Light up
The gloomiest night

1 Color the gloomiest day

1 Chase all your cares away ♪

I With a little love
Just a fittle love

I With a little fove ♪
♪ Just a little love

7 With a little love ©

[ANNOUNCER 1] In the second
quarter of the fifth century,

the Huns became a byword
for merciless savagery.

Their khan was
the mighty warrior Attita.

With his devastating armies, he
swept across Central Europe.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, darling,
I'm home.

Hello, darling. Have
a busy day at the office?

Not at all bad.

Another merciless sweep
across Central Europe.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well...I won't say
I'm glad to see you,

but, boy,
am I glad to see you.

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Jenny. Hi, Robby.

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Hey, I've got a present
for you two kids

in that bag.

I want you kids
to get ahead.

[CANNED LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Here you are, Mr. Hun!

Hi, Uncle Tom.

There's a whole
horde of them

marauding Visigoths
to see yall.

[0]

And now for something
completely different.

Its...

[ANNOUNCER]
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[ANNOUNCER 1]
Yes, it's Attila the Nun.

[CRASH]

[ANNOUNCER 2]
A simple country girl

who took a vow
of eternal brutality.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Nurse.

Hello, Miss Norris.
How are you?

Not too bad,
thank you, doctor.

Yes, well, I think
I'd better examine you.

Um, what are they
doing here?

[DOCTOR]
Uh, i-it's all right,

they're students. Um...

Light, please,
nurse.

Oh, and, uh, music too.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

Breathe in...

out.

In...

In...
[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you.

Charles Crompton,
the stripping doctor.

And next, gentlemen
and ladies,

here at the Peephole Club,
for the very first time,

a very big welcome, please,

for the secretary of state
for commonwealth affairs.

Good evening.

Tonight, I'd like to restate
our position

on agricultural
subsidies

and their effect on our
commonwealth relationships.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, although we believe
theoretically

in ending guaranteed
farm prices,

we also believe in the need

for the corresponding,
uh, import levy

to maintain consumer prices
at a realistic, uh, level.

But this would have the effect

of consolidating our gains

of the previous fiscal year
prior to the entry.

But I pledge that, should we
join the Common Market,

even maintaining the present
position on subsidies,

we will never jeopardize,
we will never compromise

our unique relationship

with the commonwealth
countries.

A prices structure related
to any, uh, import charges

will be systematically
adjusted

uh, to the particular
requirements

of our commonwealth partners,

so that, together,

we will maintain a positive

and mutually
beneficial alliance

in world trade
and for world peace.

Thank you and good night.

[APPLAUSE]

Wasn't he marvelous?

The secretary of state
for commonwealth affairs.

And now, gentlemen and ladies,

a very big welcome, please,

for the minister
of pensions

and social security!

[ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[0]

[ANNOUNCER]
Yes, today in Britain,

there is a new wave of interest
in politics and politicians.

Well, we're in it
for the lobbying, you know.

We just love lobbying.

And the debates. You know, a
good debate is just fabulous.

Well, I've been going
with ministers

for five years now,

and, uh, you know,
I think they're wonderful.

Oh, yes. I like
civil servants.

- Oh, yes, they're nice.
- Yeah.

- I like the Speaker.
- Oh, yeah.

I like
Black Rod.

[ANNOUNCER]
What do their parents think?

Well, she's broken our hearts,
the little bastard.

She's been nothing
but trouble,

and if she comes
round here again,

I'l kick her teeth in.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Have you been talking
to television again, dear?

Yes, I bloody told them.

What about?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, was it Reginald
Bosanquet?

No, no, no.

Did he have his head
all bandaged?

No, it wasn't like that.

They had lights and cameras and tape
recorders, all that sort of thing.

Oh, that'll be
Ray Baxter,

and the boys and girls
from Tomorrow's World.

Oh, I prefer Reginald Bosanquet.
There's not so many of them.

-Hm.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that'll be
the ratcatcher.

Hello. Mr. and Mrs.
Concrete?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, well, well,
well, well,

well, well, well,
well, well, well,

how very nice.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Leslie Ames,

the chairman of the Test
Selection Committee.

And I'm very pleased
to be able to tell you

that your flat has been chosen

as the venue for the third
test against the West Indies.

Really?

No, it was just a little joke.

I'm the council ratcatcher.

Oh, yes, we've
been expecting you.

Oh. I gather you've got
alittle rodental problem.

Oh, blimey, you'd think
he was awake all the night,

scrabbling down
by the wainscoting.

Mm. that's an interesting
word, isn't it?

What?

Sounds like
alittle Dorset village.

Wainscoting.

We've been mentioned
on telly!

Uh, where Is it worst?

Well, uh,
down here,

- you can usually hear them.
- Ah. Shh.

Sh. Sh. Sh.

Sh.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

No, that's sheep
you've got there.

No, that's
definitely sheep.

- Bit of a puzzle, really.
-ls it?

Yeah, well,
I mean, it's A,

not gonna respond
to a nice piece of cheese,

and B, it isn't gonna
fitinto a trap.

Whoa. What
you gonna do?

Well, we'll have to look
for the hole.

Oh, yeah.

Mm. Oh.

Qi. There's one here.

[LESLIE] No, no, no.
No, that's mice.

Oh. This is what
we're after.

Move that.

Yup.

[MAN]
Oh, yeah.

E-excuse me,
is the third test in here?

No, no, that was a joke.
It was a joke.

It was
a joke.

Right. Well, I'm going
in the wainscoting.

They said it again!

Lay down some sheep poison.

Ooh.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[BANG]

[GROANING]

It's gota gun.

Oh. Blimey.

Now, normally, a sheep
is a placid, timid creature,

but you've got a killer.

It's an entirely new strain
of sheep.

Akiller sheep that can
not only hold a rifle,

but is also
a first-class shot.

But where are they
coming from, professor?

That I don't know.

I just don't know.

I really just don't know.

I'm afraid I really
just don't know.

I'm afraid even I
really just don't know.

I have to tell you I'm afraid
even I really just don't know.

I'm afraid I have to
tell you that--

Thank you.

I don't know.

Qur only clue is this portion
of wolf's clothing,

which the killer sheep--

Was wearing.

in yesterday's raid
on Selfridges.

I'l carry out tests on it
straightaway, professor.

[WEST-INDIAN ACCENT] Hello, is the
third test in here, please, man?

Professor, there are some
cricketers in the laboratory.

This may be
even more serious

than even I had at first
been imagining.

What a strange, strange line.

There's no time
to waste.

Get me the commissioner
of police.

Yes, sir.

No, no, on the phone!

Look of fear!

Another strange line.

Look out,
Miss Garter Oil!

Professor, what is it?
What have you seen?

Look, it's there,
in the doorway.

[SCREAMS]

Arthur X, leader of
the Pennine Gang.

Don't nobody move.

We're reverting to putting
Plan A into operation.

Mugsy, Louie, Luau.

[GUNSHOTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Next, Basil.
You and the kid. Move.

[GUNSHOTS]

Okay, boys, this time
we go for the heavy stuff.

[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]

But soon the killer sheep
began to infect other animals

with its startling
intelligence.

Pussycats began
to arrange mortgages.

Cocker spaniels began
to design supermarkets.

And parrots started to
announce television programs.

It's 8:00, and time
for the news.

Good evening.
Here is the news for parrots.

No parrots were involved
in an accident on the M1 today

when a lorry carrying
high-octane fuel

was in collision with
a bollard.

That is a bollard
and not a parrot.

A spokesman for parrots
said he was glad

no parrots were involved.

The minister of technology today
met the three Russian leaders

to discuss a £4 million
airliner deal.

None of them went in the cage

or swung on
the little wooden trapeze,

or ate any
of the nice millet seed.

Yum, yum.

That's the end of the news.

Now our programs
for parrots continue

with part three
of A Tale of Two Cities,

specially adapted for parrots
by Joey Boy.

The story so far:

Dr. Manette is in England after
18 years in the Bastille.

His daughter, Lu-- Lucie,

awaits her lover,
Charles Darnay,

whom we just learnt
is, in fact, the nephew

of the Marquis de
St. Evremond,

whose cruelty had placed
Manette in the Bastille.

Darmay arrives to find Lucie
tending her aged father.

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUAWK]
Hello. Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello, hello, hello.

- Who's a pretty boy, then?
- Hello, hello.

- Who's a pretty boy?
- Ooh.

- Hello, hello.
- Ooh.

Hello, hello.

-I'm a pretty parrot.
- Hello, hello.

And while that's going on,
here is the news for gibbons.

No gibbons were involved in...

[ANNOUNCER]
While that's going on,

here from Westminster

is a parfiamentary report
for humans.

In the debate,
a spokesman accused

the government of being silly

and doing not-at-all-good
things.

The member accepted this in
a spirit of healthy criticism,

but denied that he'd ever
been naughty with a choirboy.

Angry shouts of "What about
the watermelon, then?"

were ordered by the Speaker
stricken from the record

and put into a brown paper bag
in the lavwy.

Any further interruptions
would be cut off

and distributed amongst
the poor.

For the government,
a front-bench spokesman said

the agricultural tariff
would have to be raised,

and he fancied a bit.

Furthermore, he argued,

this would give a large
boost fo farmers

and a lot of fun to him,
his friend

and Miss Moist
of Knightsbridge.

From the back benches

there were opposition shouts
of "Postcards for sale”

and a healthy cry
of "Who likes a sailor, then?"

from the minister
without portfolio.

Replying,
the shadow minister said

he could no longer deny
the rumors,

but he and the dachshund
were very happy.

And in any case, he argued,
rhubarb was cheap,

and what was the harm
in a sauna bath?

--were not involved.

The minister of technology met
the three Russian leaders today

to discuss
a £4 million airliner deal.

None of them were indigenous
to Australia,

carried their babies
in pouches,

or ate any of those yummy
eucalyptus leaves.

Yum, yum.

That's the news for wombat,
And now, Attila the Bun.

[BUN YELLING]

Well, that's all
for Attila the Bun.

And now...idiots.

[0]

[ANNOUNCER]
Arthur Figgis is an idiot.

Avillage idiot.

Tonight, we look
at the idiot in society.

Well, I feel very keenly

that the idiot is a part

of the old village system,

and as such
has a vital role to play

in the modern rural society.

Because, you see--

[BLITHERING]

And the birds fly nightly
on the-- Thank you, vicar.

Because there is this
very real need in society

for someone whom almost anyone

can look down on and--

And ridicule.

And this is the role that--

Nightly ramble...

Qogly-oogly-oogly-ooh!

Thank you, Mrs. Thompson.

This is the role that
I and members of my family

have fulfilled in this village

for the past 400 years.

Ah, good morning,
Mr. Jenkins.

IC have increased their
half-yearly dividend, I see.

Yes, splendid.

That's Mr. Jenkins.
He's another idiot.

And so, you see, the--

The idiot does provide
a vital psychosocial service

for this community.

Oh, excuse me,

uh, a coach party's
just arrived.

I shall have to fall
off the wall, I'm afraid.

[GLASS BREAKS]

[ANNOUNCER] Arthur takes
idioting seriously.

He is up at 6:00 every morning

working on special
training equipment

designed to kesp him silly.

And, of course, he takes
great pride in his appearance.

Like the doctor,

- the blacksmith, the carpenter...
- An!

...Mr. Figgis is an important
figure in this village.

And like them,
he uses the focal bank.

Yes, we have quite a number
of idiots banking here.

[ANNOUNCER] What kind of
money is there in idioting?

Well, nowadays,
areally blithering idiot

can make anything up
to £10,000 a year,

if he's the head of some
big industrial combine.

But of course, the more
old-fashioned idiot

still refuses to
take money.

He takes bits
of string, wood,

dead budgerigars,
sparrows, anything,

But it does make the cashier's
job very difficult.

Of course, they're
fools to themselves.

The rate of interest
over 10 years

on a piece of moss or a dead
vole is almost negligible.

- Mr. Brando.
- Yes?

Hollywood on
the phone.

Uh, I'l take it
in the office.

[ANNOUNCER] But Mr. Figgis
is no ordinary idiot.

He is a lecturer in idiocy

at the University
of East Anglia.

Here he is taking a class
of third-year students.

[ALL BLITHERING]

[ANNOUNCER]
After three years of study

these apprentice idiots
receive a diploma of idiocy,

a handful of mud

and a kick on the head.

But some of the ofder idiots
resent the graduate idiot.

I'm a completely
self-taught idiot.

I mean, "Och-ah, roo-ah,
roo-ah, roo-ah!"

Nobody does that anymore.

Anybody who did
that around here

would be laughed off
the street.

No, uh, nowadays,
people want something wittier.

[ANNOUNCER] Kevin O'Nassis
works largely with walls.

Whoa!

[KEVIN] Well, you gotta
know what you're doing.

I mean, some people
think 'm mad.

Villagers say I'm mad,
tourists say I'm mad.

Well, I am mad.
But I'm naturally mad.

I don't use any chemicals.

[ANNOUNCER] But what of
the idiot's private life?

How about his relationship
with women?

Well, I may be an idiot,
but 'm no fool.

[0]

[ANNOUNCER] But the village
idiots dirty smock

and wall-falling
are afar cry

- from the modern world of the urban idiot.
- Hey!

What kinds of backgrounds do
these city idiots come from?

[NASAL AC CENT]

Wool

[LAUGHING]

Uh! Unt

[POSH ACCENT]

Uh...

[HIGH-PITCHED ACCENT]
Well, uh...

[POMPOUS ACCENT]
Well, uh...

The headquarters
of these urban idiots

is here in St. John's Wood.

Inside, they can enjoy
the company of other idiots

and watch special performances
of ritual idioting.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Well left.

Well
played.

Well, well.

Well-bred.

[GROANING]

[JIM] Good afternoon
and welcome to Lord's

on the second day
of the first test.

So far today, we've had five
hours batting from England,

and already,
they're naught for naught.

Uh, Cowdrey is not out naught
and Naughton is not in.

Knott is in
and is not not out.

Naughton of Northants
got a nasty knock

on the nutin the nets
[ast night,

but it's nothing of note.

Uh, next in is Nat Newton
of Notts.

Not Nutting,
Nutting's at 9.

Nutting knocked neatie nightie
knock knock nar nar...

Anyway, um,

England have played
extremely well for nothing,

not a sausage,

in reply fo Iceland's
first innings total

of 722 for 2 declared,

uh, scored yesterday

disappointingly fast
in only 21 overs,

with lots of wild slogging
and boundaries and--

And all sorts of
rubbishy things.

But the main thing is
that England have made

an absolutely outstanding
start so far.

[GROANS SHARPLY,
THEN INHALES SHARPLY]]

Peter?

Uh, splendid.
Just listen to those thighs.

And now it's the Northeast's
turn with the samba.

- Brian.
- Uh, rather.

I'm reminded of the story
of Gubby Allen in '32-

Oh, shut up,
or we'll close the bar.

And now Bo Wildeburg
is running up

to bowl to Cowdrey.

He runs up,
he bowls to Cowdrey,

and no shot at all.

Extremely well-not-played
there.

Yes, beautifully
not-done-anything-about.

A superb shot of
no kind whatsoever.

I well remember
Plum Warner

leaving a very similar
ball alone in 1732.

Oh, shut up,
long-nose.

And now it's Bo Wildeburg,

running in again to bowl
to Cowdrey.

He runs in.
He bowls to Cowdrey.

And no shot at all.

A superb display
of inertia there.

And that's the end of
the over. And drinks.

Gin and tonic, please.

No, no, the players
are having drinks.

And now, uh,
what's happening?

I think Cowdrey's
being taken--

Yes, Cowdrey is being
carried off.

Well, I never.

Now, who's in next?

It should be number three,
Natt Newton of Notts.

Get your hand off
my thigh, West.

Uh, no, I don't think it is.
I think it's, uh...

It's a sofa.
No, it's a chesterfield!

The green chesterfield
is coming in at number three

to take guard now.

I well remember a similar
divan being brought on

at Headingley in 9 B.C.
against the darkies.

Oh, shut up,
elephant-snout.

And now, the green, uh,
chesterfield has taken guard.

And, uh...
Ah, Iceland are putting on

their spin-dryer
to bowl.

The spin-dryer moving
back to its mark.

It runs up to the wicket,

bowls to the table...

Alittle bit short, but it's
coming in a bit there,

and it's hit him on the pad!

There's an appeal. And the table
is out, leg before wicket.

That is England
naught for one.

[ANNOUNCER] And now we leave Lord's
and go over to Epsom for the 3:00.

[COMMENTATOR] Well, here at
Epsom, we take up the running,

50 yards of this
mile-and-a-half race to go.

If's the wash basin
in the lead from WC pedestal.

Tucked in nicely there
is the sofa,

going well with Joanna
Southcott's box

making a good run
from hat stand on the rails.

And Standard lamp
is fading fast.

Wash basin taking up
the running, strongly pressed.

At the post,
it's the wash basin from WC

then sofa, hat stand,
Standard lamp,

and lastly,
Joanna Southcott's box.

[IN UNISON]
Open the box! Open the box!

Open the box!
Open the box!

Open the box!

Can we have the next
contender, please?

[CHUCKLING]

[CONTINUES
CHUCKLING]

Good evening, madam.
And your name is...?

Yes, yes.

- Ha-ha. And what's your name?
- 1'go to church regularly. Mm.

Jolly good. I see.

And which prize do you have
particular eyes on this evening?

Oh, I'd like
the blow on the head.

The blow on the head.

- Just there.
- Jolly good.

- Well, your first question...
- Mm.

...Jor the blow on the head
this evening is:

What great opponent
of Cartesian dualism

resists the reduction
of psychological phenomena

to physical states?

I don't know that!

Well, have a guess.

Oh.

Uh, Henri Bergson.

Is the correct answer!

That was lucky.
I never even heard of him.

- Jolly good.
- 1 don't like darkies.

[LAUGHING]

Who does?

[LAUGHING]

And now, your second
question

for the blow
on the head is:

What is the main food
that penguins eat?

Pork luncheon meat.

No.

- Spam?
- No, no, no, no.

What do penguins eat?
Penguins.

- Penguins?
- Yes.

- They eat penguins?
- No, no, no.

- They eat themselves?
- No, no, what do penguins eat?

Horses! Armchairs!

No, no.
What do penguins eat?

- Oh, penguins.
- Penguins.

- Cannelloni.
-No.

Lasagna, moussaka,
lobster thermidor,

escalopes de veau
a l'estragon

avec endives gratinéed
with cheese.

[LAUGHING]
No. I'l give you a clue.

Oh.

Brian Close.

[LAUGHING]
No, no.

- Brian Inglis? Brian Johnson?
Bryan Forbes? - No, no, no.

- Nanette Newman.
-No.

What swims in the sea
and gets caught in nets?

- Henri Bergson.
- No!

Goats. Underwater goats,
with snorkels and flippers.

- No.
- A buffalo with an aqualung.

-No.
- Oh, Reginald Maudling.

Yes, that's near enough.
Il give you that.

Right. Now. Uh, Mrs. Scum,
you have won your prize.

Do you still want
the blow on the head?

Yes, yes.

Il offer you
a poke in the eye.

No, I want the blow
on the head.

- A punch in the throat?
- No.

Allright, then,
a kick in the kneecap.

- No.
- Mrs. Scum,

I'm offering you a boot
in the teeth

and a dagger
up the strap.

Oh.

-Hm.
- [WOMAN 1] Blow on the head!

[WOMAN 2]
Take the blow on the head!

Oh. Oh, o-okay. I'l take
the blow on the head.

Very well, then,
Mrs. Scum.

You have won tonight's
star prize:

the blow
on the head!

- [LAUGHING]
-[DING]

- [SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS]

[0]

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