Original subtitles

[GASPS]

My, isn'tit hot in here?

[0]

And now for something completely different.

And now for something more completely different.

Its...

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs are so swollen. Swollen.

Oh, Mr. Belpit.

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs are so swollen.

-Oh, Mr. Belpit-- -Um, excuse me.

Excuse me, um,

I-- I saw your advertisement for flying lessons

and I'd like to make an application.

Nothing to do with me. I'm not in this show.

Oh, I'see.

Wo-- Um--

-Mr. Belpit-- -Mis-- Uh-- Would you--?

Uh-- Uh, do you--? Do you know about--?

Do you know about the flying lessons?

No, nothing to do with me. I'm not in this show.

This is show five, I'm not in until show eight.

-Oh, I see. -I'm just leaming my lines, you know?

Oh, Mr.

Oh-- Oh, Mr. Belpt, your legs--

Uh, bit awkward, huh?

-Yes. -Um, bit-- I'm a bit stuck.

Well, try over there.

-Oh, Mist-- -Oh, yes, uh, thanks.

-Thanks a lot. -Oh, Mr. Belpit, your--

Oh, Mr.-- Mr. Belpit, your legs...

Excuse me.

Uh, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons,

-Appointment? -Yes, yes.

Certainly. Would you come this way, please?

Mr. Jones, Mr. Barnes.

JONES & BARNES: Morning.

Morning, Mrs. Wills.

Morning, love.

Take this to marketing, would you?

[DRILL BUZZING]

SECRETARY: Just follow me.

MR. CHIGGER: Oh, thank you.

SECRETARY: Oh, be careful.

MR. CHIGGER: Yes, I nearly tripped.

[FOOTSTEPS]

MR. CHIGGER: Whew.

SECRETARY: We'll be there soon.

MR. CHIGGER: Good. It is along way, isn't it?

[METALLIC THUMP]

SECRETARY: Ch, get hold of that. Watch it.

[CREAKING]

MAN: Morning.

SECRETARY: Morning.

Oh, up the stairs.

Be careful, very steep.

Almost there.

MAN: Morning.

SECRETARY: Morning.

Will you come this way, please?

-In here, please. -Oh, thank you.

Oh, hello. Um, I saw your advertisement

for flying lessons, and I'd like to make an appointment.

Well, Mr. Anemone is on the phone at the moment,

but I'm sure he won't mind if you go on in.

Through here. -Thank you.

Oh, I won't be a moment. Uh, make yourself at home.

No, no. Willy, look, you can ask Mr. Maudling,

but I'm sure he'll never agree.

Not for 50 shillings, no. No.

Bye-- Bye-bye, Gordon. Bye-bye. Oh, dear.

Bye-- Bye-bye.

Missed. Now, Mr...?

-Chigger. -Mr. Chigger.

-So you want to learn to fly? -Yes.

Well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent.

-No, no, no. -Up on the table!

Arms out, fingers together, knees bent.

Now, head well forward.

Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap faster.

Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster!

Now jump!

Rotten, rotten. You're no bloody use at all.

You're an utter, bloody washout.

You make me sick, you weed.

Now, look here.

Allright, all right. I'l give you one more chance.

Get on the table.

Look, I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.

-A what? -I came to learn to fly an aeroplane.

Oh, an aeroplane.

Oh, I'say, we are grand, aren't we?

Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater.

I'm off to play the grand piano.

Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane.

Now get on the table!

Look, no one in the history of the world

has ever been able to fly like that.

Oh, I suppose mater told you that while you were out riding?

Well, if people can't fly, what am I doing up here?

You're on a wire.

Oh, a wire, I'm on a wire, am I?

Of course you're on a bloody wire.

I am not on a wire. I am flying.

-You're on a wire! -I am flying!

You're on a wire! -I'l show you whether I'm on a wire or not.

-Give me the hoop! “What?

Oh, I don't suppose we know what an hoop is.

I suppose pater thought they were a bit common

except on the bleeding croquet lawn.

Oh, a hoop.

"Oh, an hoop."

Thank you, Your bleeding Highness. Now...

-Right the way along. -All right, all right, all right.

There. Now, where's the bleeding wire?

That hoop's got a hole in.

Oh, Eton and Magdalene, the hoop has an hole in.

Of course it's got a hole in.

It wouldn't be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush?

No, no. There's a gap in the middle of that.

Oh! Oh, a gap. A gap in one's hoop.

Pardon me, but I'm off to play the grand piano.

Look, I can see you have a wire. Look, there it is.

Look, I told you, you bastard. I'm not on a wire.

-You are! There is! -There isn't!

Anyway, this rather pointless bickering

went on for some time, unt.

Gosh, I am glad I'm a fully qualified airline pilot.

The British Airline Pilots Association

would like to point out that it takes a chap six years

to become a fully qualified airline pilot, uh, not two.

Thank you. I---I didn't want to seem

a bit of an old fusspot just now, you know,

but, uh, it's just as easy to get these things right,

as they are easily found in the BALPA handbook.

Oh, uh, one other thing,

in the Sherlock Holmes last week,

Tommy Cooper told a joke about a charter flight,

omitting to point out that one must be a member of any organization

that charters a plane for at least six months beforehand

before being able to take advantage of it.

Did rather spoil the joke for me, I'm afraid.

[RINGS]

Yes? Ah, yes. Yes. Uh, my wife has just reminded me

that on a recent High Chaparral,

Kathy Kirby was singing glibly about,

"Fly Me to the Stars," uh, when, of course,

there are no scheduled flights of this kind, or even chartered,

available to the general public at the present moment.

Although, of course, when there are,

BALPA will be in the vanguard.

[LAUGHS] Or the trident.

Little joke for the chaps up at BALPA house.

Now, one other small point.

Uh, why is it that these new Lurex dancing tights

go baggy at the knees after only a couple of evenings' fun?

Bring back the old canvas ones, I say.

Itis incredible, isn't it, that in these days

when man can walk on the moon and work out

the most complicated hire-purchase agreements,

I still get these terrible headaches?

All right, I seem to have wandered a bit.

Uh, but still, uh, no harm done. Jolly good luck.

[KNOCK]

ZANIE: Are you going to be in there all day?

[BANGS LOUDER]

Other people want to go, you know!

The door's jammed, if you ask me.

Oh, that's better. Oh, my God.

Oh, uh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought this was the bally toilet. [LAUGHS]

This is the control cabin.

Oh, I know that. I'm a flying man, you know.

[LAUGHS] Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT] Bally stupid mistake.

Cloud's heavy, what's the reading?

Uh, 4.8 steady.

If they had all these dials in the toilet,

there wouldn't be room for anything else, would there?

Geneva, this is Roger Five-O, what is your cloud reading?

Hello, Geneva?

I wouldn't fancy flying one of these sitting on the toilet.

I mean, it-- Itd take the glamour

out of being a pilot, wouldn't it?

Flying around the world sitting on a toilet.

WOMAN: Geneva here. 4.9, heavy, over?

Is it serious?

No, not if it keeps at that level, no.

Mind you, if you did fly it from the toilet, uh,

it would leave a lot more space up here, wouldn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'd better get back to the cabin, then.

Uh, sorry about the silly intrusion.

Bally stupid. [CHUCKLES]

Door's jammed.

[SCREAMS]

Bally piece of luck.

Oh, hello. Everything all right at the back?

Yes, they're as quiet as dormice.

Dormice?

Allright, don't anybody move.

Uh, except to control the aeroplane.

You can move a little to do that.

-Can I move? -Uh, yes. Yes.

Yes, you can move alittle bit. Yes.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be quite so dogmatic when I came in.

Obviously you can all move alittle, within reason.

You know, there are involuntary muscular movements

that no amount of self-control can prevent.

And obviously any assertion of authority on my part,

I've got to take that into account.

Right, I mean, one couldn't stop one's insides from moving.

No, no. Good point, good point.

And the very fact that the plane is continuously vibrating

means that we're all moving to an extent.

And, uh, we're all moving our lips, aren't we?

ALL: Yes. Absolutely.

No, no, the gist of my meaning was that sudden, uh...

-Exaggerated movements. -Exaggerated, violent movements

are-- are-- are out.

Well, that's the great thing about these modern airliners.

I mean, I can keep this plane flying

with only the smallest movement.

And Pancho here doesn't have to move at all.

Oh, that's-- That's marvelous.

Oh, and I don't really need to move either.

Unless I get an itch or something.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, uh, that's wonderful.

Sixty percent success, eh?

ALL LAUGH] -Sixty percent, yeah.

Oh, dear. Anyway, bearing all that in mind,

will you fly this plane, uh, to Luton, please?

Well, this is a scheduled flight to Cuba.

Uh, Tknow, I know.

Uh, that's rather why I-- I came in here

with that point about nobody moving.

-Oh, I see. -Uh, within reason.

-Within reason, yes, yes, yes. -Within reason, right. Yes.

You know, I want you

to fly this plane to Luton, uh, please.

Well, I'd better turn the plane around, then.

Stand by, emergency systems.

Look, I don't want to cause any trouble.

No, no. We'll manage, we'll manage.

I mean, near Luton will do, you know.

Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden?

-Uh, it's on the flight path. -Okay, well, drop me off there.

I'l get a bus to Luton. It's only 25 minutes.

-Oh, you can be in Luton by lunchtime. -Oh, well, that's smashing.

Oh, uh, hang on. There's no airport at Harpenden.

Oh, well, lock, forget it. Forget it. I'l come to Cuba

and get a flight back to Luton from there.

Well, we could lend you a parachute.

No, no, no. No, wouldn't dream of it.

-Dirty a nice, clean parachute. -I know, I know.

There's a bale of hay outside Basingstoke.

Right. -We could throw you out.

Well, if it's all right. -Sure, yeah.

-It's not any trouble? -No, no, none at all.

That's marvelous. Thank you very much.

-Sorry to come barging in. No, no, no. Fine.

-Bye-bye. -Okay. Bye-bye.

-So long. -Bye-bye.

GUNMAN [SCREAMING]: Thank you!

Take this bus to Cuba.

[0]

NARRATOR: From these glens and scars,

the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent.

Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags.

The rush of the mountain stream,

the bleat of the sheep

and the broad, clear Highland skies,

reflected in tarn and loch,

form the breathtaking backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle

writes such poems as "Lend Us a Quid Titf the End of the Week."

But it was with more simple, homespun verses

that McTeagle's unique style first flowered.

McTEAGLE: If you could see your way to fending me Sixpence,

I could at least buy a newspaper.

That's not much to ask anyone.

NARRATOR: One woman who remembers McTeagle as a young friend,

Lassie O'Shen.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, uh, Mr. McTeagle wrote me two poems

between the months of January and April 1969.

Could you read us one?

Oh, I I don't like to, though.

They were kind of personal. But I will.

"To my own beloved Lassie,

a poem on her 17th birthday.

Lend us a couple of hob till Thursday.

I'm absolutely skint.

But I'm expecting a postal order,

and I can pay you back as soon as it comes.

Love, Ewan."

NARRATOR: Beautiful.

[GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

Since then, uh, McTeagle has developed his literary scope.

Three years ago he concerned himself with quite small sums:

Quick bits of ready cash, sixpences, shillings.

But more recently he has turned

his extraordinary literary perception

to much larger sums: um, 15 shillings,

4 pounds, even nine guineas.

But there is still nothing to match the huge sweep,

the majestic power of what is surely his greatest work:

"Can I Have 50 Pounds to Mend the Shed?"

Can I have 50 pounds to mend the shed?

I'm right on my uppers.

I can pay you back when this postal order

comes From Australia.

Honestly.

Hope the bladder trouble's

getting better.

Love, Ewan.

NARRATOR: There seems to be no end

fo McTeagle's poetic invention.

"My New Checkbook Hasn't Arrived”

was followed up by the brilliantly allegorical:

"What's Twenty Quid to the Bloody Midland Bank?"

And more recently his prizewinning poem

to the Arts Council:

"Can You Lend Me a Thousand Quid?"

I think what McTeagle's pottery-- Uh, poetry is doing

is rejecting all the traditional clichés

of modern pottery.

No longer do we have to be content

with Keats' "Seasons of Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness.”

Wordsworth's "l wandered lonely as a cloud..."

And Milton's "Can You Lend Us Two Bob Till Tuesday?"

McTEAGLE: Oh, give to me a shilling for some fags,

and I'l pay you back on Thursday.

But if you can wait {ill Saturday,

I'm expecting a divvy from the Harpenden Building Society.

It's not much for getting this 2 bob I asked you.

Working figs fo the bone.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

As a Highlander

I would like to complain about some acc inaccuracies

in the preceding film about the poet Ewan McTeagle.

Although his name was quite clearly given as McTeagle,

he was, uh, throughout, wearing the Cameron tartan.

Also, I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman

who complained about aeronautical inaccuracies

was himself wearing a captain's hat,

whereas he only had lieutenant's stripes

on the sleeves of his jacket.

Also, in the Invemess pantomime last Christmas,

the part of Puss in Boots was played by a native of New Guinea

with a plate in her lip.

So that every time Dick Whittington gave her a French kiss,

he got the back of his throat scraped.

It's, uh... it's all right. I, uh... 1am a doctor.

[DOCTOR CLEARS THROAT]

Actually, I'm a gynecologist, but this is my lunch hour.

[CHEWING]

I have a nasty feeling I am somebody's lunch hour.

[GULPS]

[MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

Actually, I find violence extremely distasteful.

Butit was the only part offered, and I need the work.

[HONKING]

[0]

[GIGGLING]

[WHISTLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.

Good morning. I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh, you look like amilkman to me.

Good. I am, in fact, dressed as a milkman.

-You spotted that. Well done. -Go away!

Now, then, madam, I'm going to show you three numbers,

and I want you to tell me if you see any similarity between them.

They're all number three.

No. Try again.

They're all number three?

No. They're all number three.

Right, now, I'm-- I'm going to say a word,

and I want you to say the first thing

that comes into your head.

-How many pints do you want? -Uh, three?

-Yogurt? No.

Cream? Eggs? -No. No.

You're clearly suffering

from a repressive libido complex,

probably the result of a product of an unhappy childhood,

coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence,

resulting in an attenuation of the libido complex.

You are a bloody milkman.

Don't you shout at me, madam.

Don't come that tone.

Now, then, I must ask you 10 accompany me

down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.

I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy.

Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so,

you're badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment.

Now, I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you,

but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

Well, all right, but how am I going to get home?

I'l run you there and back on my psychiatrist float.

Allright.

[CAT MEOWS]

What are all those?

They're case histories.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

MILKMAN: Psychiatrists! Psychiatrists!

-Yes, sir? -Oh, good morning.

I'm afraid our regular psychiatrist hasn't come round,

I've got an ego block which is making my wife over-assertive

and getting us both in the state of depressive neurosis.

Oh, I see. So who's your regular, sir?

Uh, Jersey Cream Psychiatrists.

Oh, yes, I know them.

Right, well, uh, what's your job, then?

I'm a doctor.

Didn't I just see you just now under a Scotsman?

Uh, yes, but I am a doctor.

Actually, I'm a gynecologist, but that was my lunch hour.

What does this remind you of?

Two pints of cream.

Right. Well, I should definitely say

you're suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir,

sublimating itself in a lactic obsession,

which could get worse depending on how much money you've got.

Yes. Yes, I see.

And a pot of yogurt, please.

I would like to take this opportunity

of complaining about the way in which these shows

are continually portraying psychiatrists

who make pat diagnoses of patients' problems

without first obtaining their full medical history.

Mind you, that's just a pat diagnosis

made without first obtaining your full medical history.

I feel the time has come to complain about people

who make rash complaints without first making sure

that those complaints are justified.

Are you referring to me?

Not necessarily. However,

I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman

was wearing the British Psychiatric Association

Dinner Dance Club cuff links.

Mm, yes, I noticed that too.

Uh, these are not British Psychiatric Association

Dinner Dance Club cuff links.

Sorry.

They are in fact

British Sugar Corporation

Gilbert and Sullivan Society cuff links.

It's in fact a sort of in-joke with us lads here at BALPA.

I think the last speaker should have checked his facts

before making his own rash complaint.

Yeah, that will teach him.

However, I would just like 10 add a complaint

about shows which have too many complaints in them,

as they get tedious for the average viewer.

I'd like to complain about people who hold things up

by complaining about people complaining.

It's about time something was done about it.

MILKMAN: Nurse?

Would you take Mrs. Pim to see Dr. Cream, please?

Oh, certainly, Doctor. Walk this way, please.

Oh, if I could walk that way, I--

Mrs. Pim to see you, Dr. Cream.

Ah, yes. I just want another five minutes with Audrey.

Could you show Mrs. Pim into the waiting room, please?

Yes, Doctor.

Allright, Audrey.

When did you first start thinking you were a cow?

Hey, it's Mr. Belpit. His legs are so swollen.

BISHOP: oy!

Mr. Belpit, your great legs

is all swollen.

Ah, Mr. Belpit,

your legs are all swollen.

Good evening. Tonight on it's the Mind,

we examine the phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling we sometimes get

that we've lived through something before.

That what is happening now has already happened tonight.

On It's the Mind, we examine the phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've--

Anyway, tonight on It's the Mind,

we examine the phenomenon of déja vu. That strange

Good evening. Tonight on it's the Mind,

we examine the phenomenon of déja vu.

That strange feeling we sometime--

-s get...

that we've lived through something.

Good ev-- Goo-- Goo-- Good evening, ahem.

Tonight on it's the Mind, we examine the phenomenon of...

[STUTTERS]

[STUTTERS] Déja vu.

That extraordinary feeling...

-Quite extraordinary. RINGS]

Uh, no, fine, thanks. Fine.

Oh, thank you.

Ahem, that strange feeling we sometimes get

that we've lived through something before.

-And b-- RINGS]

No, fine, thank you. Fine.

Thank you.

-That strange feeling-- RINGS]

No, fine, thank you. Fine.

Thank you. Ah!

Look, uh, something's happening to me. I-/--

Um, I think I'd better go and see someone.

Uh, goo-- Good night.

RINGS] [SCREAMS]

Hey, hey!

Oy! Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

No, Doctor. No.

Something very funny is happening to me.

[SCREAMS]

Hey!

Oy! Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

No, Doctor. No.

Something very funny is happening to me.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Mr. Belpit, your legs are so swollen.

[EXPLOSIONS]

Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible feeling of déja vu.

Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible feeling of déja vu. I

[0]

Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter?

I have this terrible feeling of déja vu. I

[FART]