All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s01e05.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[PANTING]

It's...

Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[CAR APPROACHING
AND DOOR SHUTS]

Oh, good. That'll be the vet, dear.
I'd better go and let him in.

It's the vet, dear.

Oh, very glad indeed
you could come round, sir.

Not at all. Now what seems to be
the problem? You can tell me.

I'm a vet, you know.
See? Tell him, dear.

Well--
It's our cat.

He doesn't do anything. He just
sits out all day on the lawn.

Is he..

Dead?
No.

No.

Thank God for that. For one ghastly
moment, I thought I was...

too late.

If only more people would
call in the nick of time.

He just sits there,
all day and every day.

And at night.
Shh! Almost motionless.

We have to take
his food out to him.

And his milk.
Shh!

He doesn't do anything.
He just sits there.

Are you at your wits' end?

Definitely.
Shh..

Yes.
Hmm.

I see. Well, I think
I may be able to help you.

You see...

your cat is suffering from what
we vets haven't found a word for.

His condition is typified
by total physical inertia...

absence of interest
in its ambiance...

what we vets call "environment."

Failure to respond to the
conventional external stimuli.

A ball of string,
a nice juicy mouse, a bird.

To be blunt, your cat is in a rut.

It's the old stockbroker
syndrome.

The suburban fin-de-siècle ennui.

Angst, Weltschmerz,
call it what you will.

Moping.
In a way, in a way. Hmm.

Moping, I must remember that.

Now, what's to be done?

Tell me, sir, have you
confused your cat recently?

Well we--
Shh! No.

Yes. I think I can definitely say that
your cat badly needs to be confused.

What?
Shh.

What?
Confused.

To shake it out
of its state of complacency.

I'm afraid...

I'm not personally
qualified to confuse cats,

but I can recommend
an extremely good service.

Here is their card.

Oh. "Confuse-a-Cat, Limited".
"Confuse-a-Cat, Limited".

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Squad! Eyes front!

Stand at ease!

Cat-confusers,
confusers-hut!

Men, we've got a pretty difficult
cat to confuse today

so let's get straight
on it. Jolly good.

Thank you, sergeant.
Sir.

Confusers, attend to
the van and fetch out"!

Wait for it!
Fetch out the funny things!

Move, move,
move.

One, two, one, two,
get those funny things off!

[POUNDING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]

Men, fall in!

Stage ready for
confusing, sir!

Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

Left turn,
double march!

Right, men. Confuse the cat.

[RIM SHOT PLAYS]

[GRUNTING]

Ladies and gentlemen...

[DRUM BEATING]

[DRUM BEATING]

I hope to God
it works.

Anyway, we shall know
any minute now.

Oh, I can't believe it.
Neither can I.

It's just like the old days.
He's cured.

Oh, thank you, general.

What can we ever
do to repay you?

No need to, sir.

It's all in a day's work for:

Confuse-a-Cat.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[HUMMING]

Have you read this, sir?
No.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes.

Anything to declare?
Yes. No! No, no.

No, nothing to declare, no.
Nothing in my suitcase, no.

No watches,
cameras, radio sets?

Oh, yes, four watches.

No! No, no.

No, one. One watch.

No, no!
Not even one watch.

No, no watches at all.

No, no watches at all.
No precision watches, no.

Which country
have you been visiting, sir?

Switzerland.
No! Not Switzerland.

Not Switzerland, began with S, but
wasn't Switzerland. What could it be?

Terribly bad memory for names.
Uh... Uh... Um...

What's the name of that country where
they don't make watches at all?

Spain?
Spain, that's it. Spain, yep. Mm-hmm.

Label says Zurich, sir.

Yes, well.
It was Spain, then.

Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.

Switzerland, yeah.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Switzerland.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Where they make the watches.
Oh, yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

[HUMMING]

Oh, nice shed you've got here.
Hmm.

Do you got any Swiss currency, sir?
No, just the watches.

Ah! Just my watch.
Just my watch.

Uh, my watch on the currency. I've kept a
watch on the currency. And I've watched it.

And I haven't got any.

That came out
a bit glib, didn't it?

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

You got an alarm clock in there, sir?
No, no, heavens no.

No, no. Just vests.

Sounded a bit
like an alarm clock going off.

Well, it can't have been.
It must have been a vest...

going-- Going off.
Going off?

[CLOCKS CHIMING]

All right, sir.

I confess, I'm a smuggler.

This whole case is crammed
full of Swiss watches and clocks.

I've purposely tried to deceive
Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.

I've been a bloody fool.

I don't believe you, sir.

It's true. I'm guilty of smuggling.
Don't give me that, sir.

You couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof
paper, let alone a case full of watches.

What do you mean?

I've smuggled watches
before, you know.

I've smuggled bombs, cameras,
microfilms, aircraft components.

You name it, I've smuggled it.
Move along, please.

You're wasting our time.

Move along please.
No, no, look at this.

Look, for all I know, sir, you
could've bought these in London

before you went to Switzerland.
What? I wouldn't buy 2000 clocks.

People do. Now close your case,
move along please, go on.

Don't waste our time, we're out
to catch real smugglers.

I am a real smuggler.
I'm a smuggler!

Eric, take him out.

Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler,
a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler!

Poor fellow.
I think he needs help.

Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar.
Get in the search room and strip.

Well, to discuss
the implications of that sketch

and to consider
the moral problems

raised by the law-enforcement
methods involved,

we have a duck,
a cat and a lizard.

Now, first of all, I'd like to put
this question to you please, lizard.

How effective do you
consider the legal weapons

employed by legal
customs officers nowadays?

While you're thinking about that,
I'd like to bring the duck in here

and ask her, if possible, to clarify the
whole question of currency restrictions

and custom regulations
in the world today.

Uh, perhaps the cat
would rather answer that?

No? Lizard?

No.

Well, um...

let's ask the man in the
street what he thinks.

I am not a man,
you silly-billy.

I'm not in the street,
you fairy.

Well, speaking as a man
in the street-- Ahh!

What was the question again?

ANNOUNCER: Just how relevant are
contemporary customs regulations

and currency restrictions

in a modern, expanding
industrial economy?

Oh, never mind.

Well, I think customs men
should be armed

so they can kill people carrying
more than 200 cigarettes.

Well, I think that nobody
who has gone abroad

should be allowed
back in the country.

I mean, uh, blimey!

Blimey! If they're not keen enough
to stay here when they're here,

why should we allow them back
at the taxpayers' expense?

I mean, be fair, I mean,
I don't eat squirrels, do I?

I mean, well, perhaps
I do, one or two,

but there's no law against that,
is there? It's a free country.

I mean, if I want to eat
a squirrel now and again,

that's me own business,
isn't it?

I mean, I'm no racialist.
I...

Wha--? Oh--?

[GRUNTING]

I think it's silly to ask a lizard
what it thinks, anyway?

MAN:
Why?

I mean, they should have
asked Margaret Drabble.

Well, I think customs people
are quite necessary

and I think they're doing
quite a good job, really.

Check.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Door's open.
Oh, yes.

All right, all right,
all right.

My name's Police Constable
Henry Thatcher, and this is a raid.

I have reason to believe that there are
certain substances on the premises.

[THATCHER SNIFFING]
What sort of substances, officer?

Uh, certain substances.

Well, what sort
of certain substances?

Uh, certain substances
of an illicit nature.

Could you be more specific?

I beg your pardon?
Uh, could you be clearer?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Certain substances on the premises
to be removed for clinical tests.

Have you got anything
particular in mind?

Well, what have you got?
Nothing, officer.

You are Sandy Camp,
the actor?

Yes.
I must warn you, sir, that outside,

I have police dog Josephine,
who is not only armed

and trained to sniff out certain
substances, but is also a junkie.

What are you after?

Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Here is a brown paper bag
I have found on the premises.

I must confiscate this, sir, and take
it with me for clinical examination.

Wait a minute, you just got
that out of your pocket.

What?
Well, what's in it, anyway?

Sandwiches?
Sandwiches?

Blimey.
Whatever did I give the wife?

WOMAN:
"Dear BBC, East Grinstead, Friday.

I feel I really must write
and protest about that sketch.

My husband, in common with a lot
of people of his age, is 50.

For how long are we
to put up with these things?

Yours sincerely,
E.B. Debenham, Mrs."

MAN: "Dear Freddy
Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey.

As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I
must protest about the previous letter.

I am nearly 60
and am quite mad...

but I do enjoy listening
to the BBC Home Service.

If this continues to
go on unabated, Dunkirk,

dark days of the war,
backs to the wall, Alvar Liddell,

Berlin airlift, moral upheaval
of Profumo case,

young hippies roaming the streets,
raping, looting and killing.

Yours etc.,
Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop, Mrs."

Well, I think they should
attack things like that.

With satire.
I mean, Ned Sherrin.

Fair's fair. I think people should be
able to make up their own minds for me.

Well, I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy
attitudes of the lower middle classes

which permit the
establishment to survive

and keep the mores of the whole country
back where they were in the 19th century

and the ghastly days
of the pre-sexual revolution.

Well, that's very interesting,
because I am,

in fact, made
entirely of wood.

Well, I think they should
attack the lower classes...

uh, first with bombs and
rockets, destroying their homes

and then when they run
helpless into the streets,

uh, mowing them down
with machine guns.

And then, of course,
releasing the vultures.

I know these views aren't popular,
but I have never courted popularity.

I think there should be
more race prejudice.

Less.
Less race prejudice.

--And several butchers' aprons.

In Fulham this morning, a
jeweller's shop was broken into

and jewellry to the
value of £2000 stolen.

Police have issued this picture
of a man they wish to interview.

The man is in his late 20s, wearing a grey
suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.

Anyone who sees this man or can give
any information about his whereabouts

contact their nearest
police station.

Ah, Oh, we've just heard that
police have detained the man

they wished to interview in
connection with the jewel robbery.

Uh, but after questioning, police
have ruled him out of their enquiries

and released him.

Sport.

Uh, they say, however,
that acting on his information,

they now wish to interview a
newsreader in the central London area.

Police are concentrating their enquiries
on the British Broadcasting Assoc--

Excuse me a minute.

[ON SCREEN] We understand a man is now
helping police with their enquiries.

And that is the
end of the news.

And now, Match of the Day.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[MOANS]

Uh, I'm terribly sorry. It's not,
in fact, Match of the Day...

it is, in fact, edited highlights
of tonight's romantic movie.

Uh, sorry.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry,
on BBC2, Joan Bakewell

will be talking to Michael Dean about
what makes exciting television.

Uh, sorry about all that.
And now, uh, back to the movie.

[MOANING]

Oh, Bevis.
Oh, my darling.

Oh, should we?
Well, why not?

Oh, be gentle with me.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Oh, Bevis, are
you going to do anything

or are you just going to
show me films all evening?

Just one more, dear.
Oh!

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[SPLATS]

Wow, Charles Atlas, with the world's
most perfectly developed body.

Tired of being pushed around?

Would you like to do
some pushing around instead?

Would you like a body
that can't fail to attract women?

[WOMEN SHRIEKING]

A body that is the envy
of other men?

Oh, I must get
one of those.

Then let me have me your skinny little
body for just 15 minutes a day.

Oh, I've heard that
one before, ducky.

[GRUNTS]

Let me slap 50 pounds
of he-man muscles on you.

ATLAS: Thick, Herculean arms,
a deep, massive chest,

atomic-powered legs,
shoulders a yard wide

and right in the privacy
of your own home.

What's my secret?

It's dynamo tension.

ATLAS: Muscles pulling against
muscles, the natural way.

[GRUNTS]

And here's living proof.

And there's no need to stop there.

[PANTING]

So don't delay,
send today

for my gigantic free 78-page
muscle-building course.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Postman.

And start building a body
you can be proud of.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[CHUCKLING]

[GULPS]

You know, I really enjoy
interviewing applicants

for this management
training course.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Ah, come and sit down.
Thank you.

Would you mind just standing
up again for one moment?

Take a seat.
I'm sorry?

Take a seat.

Ah.

Good morning.
Morning.

Good morning.
Morning.

Tell me, why do you
say "good morning"

when you know perfectly
well that it's afternoon?

Well-- Well, you
said good morning.

[CHUCKLES]

Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.

Oh, dear.

Good evening.

Goodbye?

[CHUCKLING]

No.

[BELL RINGING]

Aren't you going to ask me
why I rang the bell?

Uh, why did you ring the bell?
Why do you think I rang the bell?

Well--
Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

Well, I--
Too late.

[BELL RINGING]

[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪

♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪

Um-- Uh-- This isn't-- This is the interview
for the management training course, is it?

Yes. Yes, it is.
Oh.

[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪

Oh, dear. I don't think
I'm doing very well.

Why do you say that?
Well, I don't know.

Do you say it because
you didn't know?

Well, I-- I--
I don't know.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

Right.

[MOANING]

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Why do you think I did that, then?
Well, I don't know.

Aren't you curious?
Well, yes.

Well, why don't you ask me?
Well-- Uh--

Name?
What?

Your name, please. Your name.
Um, uh, David.

David. Sure?
Oh, yes.

David Sure.
No, no, Thomas.

Thomas Sure.
No, no, David Thomas.

[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪

Oh, dear, we're back
to that again.

♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
I don't know what to do

when you do that.
Well, do something.

[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪

Five, four,
three, two, one!

[SHRIEKING]

Good.
Good?

Very good. Do it again.

[SHRIEKING]

Very good indeed.
Quite outstanding.

Right, ready now.

Right, once more.

[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪

[SHRIEKING]

What--? What's going on?
What's going on?

You got very good marks.

I don't care. I want
to know what's going on.

I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate
people and I'm going straight out of here

to tell the police exactly
what you do to people.

And I'm going to make
bloody sure you never do this again.

There, what do you think of that?
What do you think of that?!

Very good marks.

Oh, well, do I get the job?
Uh, well, I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid all the vacancies
were filled several weeks ago.

[LAUGHING]

Well, that was all good fun,
and we all had a jolly good laugh...

but I would like to assure you,
you'd never be treated like that

if you had an interview here
at the Careers Advisory Board.

Perhaps I should introduce myself.

I am the head
of the Careers Advisory Board.

I wanted to be a doctor,
but there we are.

I'm head of the
Careers Advisory Board.

Or a sculptor, something artistic.
Or an engineer, with all those dams,

but there we are,
it's no use crying over split milk.

The facts are there
and that's that.

I'm the head of this lousy board.

[CRYING]

Never mind.

Now, I wonder if you've considered
what a very profitable line of work

this man is in.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Burglar.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Burglar.

Yes?
Burglar, madam.

What do you want?
I want to come in

and steal a few things, madam.

Are you an
encyclopaedia salesman?

No, madam, I'm a burglar,
I burgle people.

I think you're an
encyclopaedia salesman.

I'm not. Open the door,
let me in.

If I let you in,
you'll sell me encyclopaedias.

I won't, madam. I just want to come
in, ransack the flat. Honestly.

Promise, no encyclopaedias?
None at all.

All right.
You can come in, then.

I don't know whether
you've considered the advantages

of owning a set of encyclopaedias. You
know, they can do you really wonders.

That man was a successful
encyclopaedia salesman.

But not all encyclopaedia
salesmen are successful.

Here is an unsuccessful
encyclopaedia salesman.

[DRUM ROLL]

Now here are two unsuccessful
encyclopaedia salesmen.

[DRUM ROLL]

I think there's a lesson there
for all of us.

[♪ ♪ ♪]