1
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:35,680
[PANTING]
2
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,480
It's...
3
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,400
Monty Python's Flying Circus.
4
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,720
[♪ ♪ ♪]
5
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:18,800
[CAR APPROACHING
AND DOOR SHUTS]
6
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,840
Oh, good. That'll be the vet, dear.
I'd better go and let him in.
7
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,320
It's the vet, dear.
8
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,040
Oh, very glad indeed
you could come round, sir.
9
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,280
Not at all. Now what seems to be
the problem? You can tell me.
10
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,360
I'm a vet, you know.
See? Tell him, dear.
11
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,360
Well--
It's our cat.
12
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,280
He doesn't do anything. He just
sits out all day on the lawn.
13
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,400
Is he..
14
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:47,720
Dead?
No.
15
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,040
No.
16
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,960
Thank God for that. For one ghastly
moment, I thought I was...
17
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,360
too late.
18
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,280
If only more people would
call in the nick of time.
19
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,560
He just sits there,
all day and every day.
20
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,680
And at night.
Shh! Almost motionless.
21
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,800
We have to take
his food out to him.
22
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,040
And his milk.
Shh!
23
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,000
He doesn't do anything.
He just sits there.
24
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,360
Are you at your wits' end?
25
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:13,600
Definitely.
Shh..
26
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,520
Yes.
Hmm.
27
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,800
I see. Well, I think
I may be able to help you.
28
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,840
You see...
29
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:32,120
your cat is suffering from what
we vets haven't found a word for.
30
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,480
His condition is typified
by total physical inertia...
31
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,120
absence of interest
in its ambiance...
32
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,120
what we vets call "environment."
33
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:49,080
Failure to respond to the
conventional external stimuli.
34
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,800
A ball of string,
a nice juicy mouse, a bird.
35
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,840
To be blunt, your cat is in a rut.
36
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,520
It's the old stockbroker
syndrome.
37
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,920
The suburban fin-de-siècle ennui.
38
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,960
Angst, Weltschmerz,
call it what you will.
39
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,840
Moping.
In a way, in a way. Hmm.
40
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,600
Moping, I must remember that.
41
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,640
Now, what's to be done?
42
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,680
Tell me, sir, have you
confused your cat recently?
43
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,120
Well we--
Shh! No.
44
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:24,800
Yes. I think I can definitely say that
your cat badly needs to be confused.
45
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,960
What?
Shh.
46
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,480
What?
Confused.
47
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,400
To shake it out
of its state of complacency.
48
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,000
I'm afraid...
49
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,640
I'm not personally
qualified to confuse cats,
50
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,400
but I can recommend
an extremely good service.
51
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,560
Here is their card.
52
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,480
Oh. "Confuse-a-Cat, Limited".
"Confuse-a-Cat, Limited".
53
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,800
[♪ ♪ ♪]
54
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,120
Squad! Eyes front!
55
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,240
Stand at ease!
56
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:05,120
Cat-confusers,
confusers-hut!
57
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,240
Men, we've got a pretty difficult
cat to confuse today
58
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,480
so let's get straight
on it. Jolly good.
59
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,040
Thank you, sergeant.
Sir.
60
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,360
Confusers, attend to
the van and fetch out"!
61
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:39,840
Wait for it!
Fetch out the funny things!
62
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,000
Move, move,
move.
63
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,600
One, two, one, two,
get those funny things off!
64
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,520
[POUNDING]
65
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,920
[CLEARS THROAT]
66
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,280
[SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
67
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,280
Men, fall in!
68
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,680
Stage ready for
confusing, sir!
69
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,320
Very good. Carry on, sergeant.
70
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:37,680
Left turn,
double march!
71
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,800
Right, men. Confuse the cat.
72
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,960
[RIM SHOT PLAYS]
73
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,640
[GRUNTING]
74
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,600
Ladies and gentlemen...
75
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,920
[DRUM BEATING]
76
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,160
[DRUM BEATING]
77
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,760
I hope to God
it works.
78
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,720
Anyway, we shall know
any minute now.
79
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,880
Oh, I can't believe it.
Neither can I.
80
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,480
It's just like the old days.
He's cured.
81
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,040
Oh, thank you, general.
82
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,840
What can we ever
do to repay you?
83
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,880
No need to, sir.
84
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,760
It's all in a day's work for:
85
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,080
Confuse-a-Cat.
86
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,920
[♪ ♪ ♪]
87
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,960
[HUMMING]
88
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,360
Have you read this, sir?
No.
89
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,680
Oh, yes, yes. Yes.
90
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,400
Anything to declare?
Yes. No! No, no.
91
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:01,560
No, nothing to declare, no.
Nothing in my suitcase, no.
92
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,080
No watches,
cameras, radio sets?
93
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,680
Oh, yes, four watches.
94
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,640
No! No, no.
95
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,080
No, one. One watch.
96
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,560
No, no!
Not even one watch.
97
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,600
No, no watches at all.
98
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,280
No, no watches at all.
No precision watches, no.
99
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,440
Which country
have you been visiting, sir?
100
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,400
Switzerland.
No! Not Switzerland.
101
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,840
Not Switzerland, began with S, but
wasn't Switzerland. What could it be?
102
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,960
Terribly bad memory for names.
Uh... Uh... Um...
103
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,320
What's the name of that country where
they don't make watches at all?
104
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,040
Spain?
Spain, that's it. Spain, yep. Mm-hmm.
105
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:36,880
Label says Zurich, sir.
106
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,080
Yes, well.
It was Spain, then.
107
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,520
Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.
108
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,600
Switzerland, yeah.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
109
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,000
Switzerland.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
110
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,800
Where they make the watches.
Oh, yeah.
111
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,200
[CHUCKLING]
112
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,840
[HUMMING]
113
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,080
Oh, nice shed you've got here.
Hmm.
114
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,560
Do you got any Swiss currency, sir?
No, just the watches.
115
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,200
Ah! Just my watch.
Just my watch.
116
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,600
Uh, my watch on the currency. I've kept a
watch on the currency. And I've watched it.
117
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,680
And I haven't got any.
118
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,920
That came out
a bit glib, didn't it?
119
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,480
[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]
120
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,400
You got an alarm clock in there, sir?
No, no, heavens no.
121
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,280
No, no. Just vests.
122
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,320
Sounded a bit
like an alarm clock going off.
123
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,480
Well, it can't have been.
It must have been a vest...
124
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,200
going-- Going off.
Going off?
125
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,360
[CLOCKS CHIMING]
126
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,440
All right, sir.
127
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,920
I confess, I'm a smuggler.
128
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,800
This whole case is crammed
full of Swiss watches and clocks.
129
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
I've purposely tried to deceive
Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.
130
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,080
I've been a bloody fool.
131
00:10:58,560 --> 00:10:59,800
I don't believe you, sir.
132
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,640
It's true. I'm guilty of smuggling.
Don't give me that, sir.
133
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,040
You couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof
paper, let alone a case full of watches.
134
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,680
What do you mean?
135
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,640
I've smuggled watches
before, you know.
136
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,640
I've smuggled bombs, cameras,
microfilms, aircraft components.
137
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,320
You name it, I've smuggled it.
Move along, please.
138
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,480
You're wasting our time.
139
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,880
Move along please.
No, no, look at this.
140
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,000
Look, for all I know, sir, you
could've bought these in London
141
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:31,960
before you went to Switzerland.
What? I wouldn't buy 2000 clocks.
142
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,760
People do. Now close your case,
move along please, go on.
143
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,400
Don't waste our time, we're out
to catch real smugglers.
144
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,160
I am a real smuggler.
I'm a smuggler!
145
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,560
Eric, take him out.
146
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,680
Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler,
a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler!
147
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,880
Poor fellow.
I think he needs help.
148
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,480
Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar.
Get in the search room and strip.
149
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,440
Well, to discuss
the implications of that sketch
150
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,360
and to consider
the moral problems
151
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,160
raised by the law-enforcement
methods involved,
152
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,080
we have a duck,
a cat and a lizard.
153
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,520
Now, first of all, I'd like to put
this question to you please, lizard.
154
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,920
How effective do you
consider the legal weapons
155
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:13,360
employed by legal
customs officers nowadays?
156
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,080
While you're thinking about that,
I'd like to bring the duck in here
157
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,760
and ask her, if possible, to clarify the
whole question of currency restrictions
158
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,200
and custom regulations
in the world today.
159
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,360
Uh, perhaps the cat
would rather answer that?
160
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,200
No? Lizard?
161
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,560
No.
162
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,760
Well, um...
163
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,160
let's ask the man in the
street what he thinks.
164
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,520
I am not a man,
you silly-billy.
165
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,680
I'm not in the street,
you fairy.
166
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,680
Well, speaking as a man
in the street-- Ahh!
167
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,800
What was the question again?
168
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:03,320
ANNOUNCER: Just how relevant are
contemporary customs regulations
169
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,840
and currency restrictions
170
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,360
in a modern, expanding
industrial economy?
171
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,400
Oh, never mind.
172
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,360
Well, I think customs men
should be armed
173
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,480
so they can kill people carrying
more than 200 cigarettes.
174
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,280
Well, I think that nobody
who has gone abroad
175
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,760
should be allowed
back in the country.
176
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,880
I mean, uh, blimey!
177
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,720
Blimey! If they're not keen enough
to stay here when they're here,
178
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:40,760
why should we allow them back
at the taxpayers' expense?
179
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:45,360
I mean, be fair, I mean,
I don't eat squirrels, do I?
180
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,800
I mean, well, perhaps
I do, one or two,
181
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,920
but there's no law against that,
is there? It's a free country.
182
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,680
I mean, if I want to eat
a squirrel now and again,
183
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,440
that's me own business,
isn't it?
184
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,960
I mean, I'm no racialist.
I...
185
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,640
Wha--? Oh--?
186
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,360
[GRUNTING]
187
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,560
I think it's silly to ask a lizard
what it thinks, anyway?
188
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,320
MAN:
Why?
189
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,680
I mean, they should have
asked Margaret Drabble.
190
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,320
Well, I think customs people
are quite necessary
191
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,040
and I think they're doing
quite a good job, really.
192
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,400
Check.
193
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,440
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
194
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,800
Door's open.
Oh, yes.
195
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,080
All right, all right,
all right.
196
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,480
My name's Police Constable
Henry Thatcher, and this is a raid.
197
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,080
I have reason to believe that there are
certain substances on the premises.
198
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,440
[THATCHER SNIFFING]
What sort of substances, officer?
199
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,360
Uh, certain substances.
200
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,920
Well, what sort
of certain substances?
201
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,360
Uh, certain substances
of an illicit nature.
202
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,080
Could you be more specific?
203
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,560
I beg your pardon?
Uh, could you be clearer?
204
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,080
Oh, oh, yeah.
205
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,680
Certain substances on the premises
to be removed for clinical tests.
206
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,720
Have you got anything
particular in mind?
207
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,400
Well, what have you got?
Nothing, officer.
208
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,360
You are Sandy Camp,
the actor?
209
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,480
Yes.
I must warn you, sir, that outside,
210
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,240
I have police dog Josephine,
who is not only armed
211
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:23,160
and trained to sniff out certain
substances, but is also a junkie.
212
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,440
What are you after?
213
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,440
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
214
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,040
Here is a brown paper bag
I have found on the premises.
215
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,040
I must confiscate this, sir, and take
it with me for clinical examination.
216
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,520
Wait a minute, you just got
that out of your pocket.
217
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,480
What?
Well, what's in it, anyway?
218
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,040
Sandwiches?
Sandwiches?
219
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,280
Blimey.
Whatever did I give the wife?
220
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,360
WOMAN:
"Dear BBC, East Grinstead, Friday.
221
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,840
I feel I really must write
and protest about that sketch.
222
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,280
My husband, in common with a lot
of people of his age, is 50.
223
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,640
For how long are we
to put up with these things?
224
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,080
Yours sincerely,
E.B. Debenham, Mrs."
225
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,560
MAN: "Dear Freddy
Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey.
226
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,360
As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I
must protest about the previous letter.
227
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,440
I am nearly 60
and am quite mad...
228
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,360
but I do enjoy listening
to the BBC Home Service.
229
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,880
If this continues to
go on unabated, Dunkirk,
230
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,760
dark days of the war,
backs to the wall, Alvar Liddell,
231
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,240
Berlin airlift, moral upheaval
of Profumo case,
232
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,360
young hippies roaming the streets,
raping, looting and killing.
233
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,760
Yours etc.,
Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop, Mrs."
234
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,560
Well, I think they should
attack things like that.
235
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,520
With satire.
I mean, Ned Sherrin.
236
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:44,440
Fair's fair. I think people should be
able to make up their own minds for me.
237
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,000
Well, I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy
attitudes of the lower middle classes
238
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,320
which permit the
establishment to survive
239
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,400
and keep the mores of the whole country
back where they were in the 19th century
240
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,440
and the ghastly days
of the pre-sexual revolution.
241
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,680
Well, that's very interesting,
because I am,
242
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,040
in fact, made
entirely of wood.
243
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,280
Well, I think they should
attack the lower classes...
244
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,120
uh, first with bombs and
rockets, destroying their homes
245
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,320
and then when they run
helpless into the streets,
246
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,600
uh, mowing them down
with machine guns.
247
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,120
And then, of course,
releasing the vultures.
248
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:28,280
I know these views aren't popular,
but I have never courted popularity.
249
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,080
I think there should be
more race prejudice.
250
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,080
Less.
Less race prejudice.
251
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,040
--And several butchers' aprons.
252
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,680
In Fulham this morning, a
jeweller's shop was broken into
253
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,240
and jewellry to the
value of £2000 stolen.
254
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,440
Police have issued this picture
of a man they wish to interview.
255
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:55,120
The man is in his late 20s, wearing a grey
suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.
256
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:59,440
Anyone who sees this man or can give
any information about his whereabouts
257
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,760
contact their nearest
police station.
258
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,560
Ah, Oh, we've just heard that
police have detained the man
259
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,320
they wished to interview in
connection with the jewel robbery.
260
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,920
Uh, but after questioning, police
have ruled him out of their enquiries
261
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,560
and released him.
262
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,360
Sport.
263
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,960
Uh, they say, however,
that acting on his information,
264
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:26,440
they now wish to interview a
newsreader in the central London area.
265
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:31,080
Police are concentrating their enquiries
on the British Broadcasting Assoc--
266
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,960
Excuse me a minute.
267
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,160
[ON SCREEN] We understand a man is now
helping police with their enquiries.
268
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,400
And that is the
end of the news.
269
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,760
And now, Match of the Day.
270
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,360
[♪ ♪ ♪]
271
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,320
[MOANS]
272
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,320
Uh, I'm terribly sorry. It's not,
in fact, Match of the Day...
273
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:04,240
it is, in fact, edited highlights
of tonight's romantic movie.
274
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,640
Uh, sorry.
275
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,160
Oh, uh, I'm sorry,
on BBC2, Joan Bakewell
276
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:16,240
will be talking to Michael Dean about
what makes exciting television.
277
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:21,680
Uh, sorry about all that.
And now, uh, back to the movie.
278
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,080
[MOANING]
279
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,680
Oh, Bevis.
Oh, my darling.
280
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,120
Oh, should we?
Well, why not?
281
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:32,480
Oh, be gentle with me.
282
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,600
[♪ ♪ ♪]
283
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,880
Oh, Bevis, are
you going to do anything
284
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,240
or are you just going to
show me films all evening?
285
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,680
Just one more, dear.
Oh!
286
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,440
[♪ ♪ ♪]
287
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,320
[SPLATS]
288
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:53,600
Wow, Charles Atlas, with the world's
most perfectly developed body.
289
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,480
Tired of being pushed around?
290
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,520
Would you like to do
some pushing around instead?
291
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,360
Would you like a body
that can't fail to attract women?
292
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:02,840
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]
293
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,280
A body that is the envy
of other men?
294
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,240
Oh, I must get
one of those.
295
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:13,840
Then let me have me your skinny little
body for just 15 minutes a day.
296
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,280
Oh, I've heard that
one before, ducky.
297
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,440
[GRUNTS]
298
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:22,080
Let me slap 50 pounds
of he-man muscles on you.
299
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,000
ATLAS: Thick, Herculean arms,
a deep, massive chest,
300
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,560
atomic-powered legs,
shoulders a yard wide
301
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:33,080
and right in the privacy
of your own home.
302
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,240
What's my secret?
303
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,560
It's dynamo tension.
304
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:43,320
ATLAS: Muscles pulling against
muscles, the natural way.
305
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,760
[GRUNTS]
306
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,120
And here's living proof.
307
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,480
And there's no need to stop there.
308
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,160
[PANTING]
309
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,880
So don't delay,
send today
310
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:01,520
for my gigantic free 78-page
muscle-building course.
311
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,040
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
312
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,120
Postman.
313
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:11,800
And start building a body
you can be proud of.
314
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:14,720
[♪ ♪ ♪]
315
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,080
[CHUCKLING]
316
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:24,960
[GULPS]
317
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,360
You know, I really enjoy
interviewing applicants
318
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,760
for this management
training course.
319
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:37,960
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
320
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,600
Come in.
321
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,280
Ah, come and sit down.
Thank you.
322
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,760
Would you mind just standing
up again for one moment?
323
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,040
Take a seat.
I'm sorry?
324
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,720
Take a seat.
325
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,120
Ah.
326
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,040
Good morning.
Morning.
327
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,240
Good morning.
Morning.
328
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,720
Tell me, why do you
say "good morning"
329
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,360
when you know perfectly
well that it's afternoon?
330
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,080
Well-- Well, you
said good morning.
331
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,400
[CHUCKLES]
332
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,720
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
333
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,360
Oh, dear.
334
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,240
Good evening.
335
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,360
Goodbye?
336
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:34,800
[CHUCKLING]
337
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,560
No.
338
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,840
[BELL RINGING]
339
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,320
Aren't you going to ask me
why I rang the bell?
340
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,400
Uh, why did you ring the bell?
Why do you think I rang the bell?
341
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,720
Well--
Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
342
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,640
Well, I--
Too late.
343
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:05,200
[BELL RINGING]
344
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:10,320
[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪
345
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:15,080
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
346
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,360
Um-- Uh-- This isn't-- This is the interview
for the management training course, is it?
347
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:20,760
Yes. Yes, it is.
Oh.
348
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,960
[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
349
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,560
Oh, dear. I don't think
I'm doing very well.
350
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,560
Why do you say that?
Well, I don't know.
351
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,000
Do you say it because
you didn't know?
352
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,240
Well, I-- I--
I don't know.
353
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,720
Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
354
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,560
Right.
355
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,160
[MOANING]
356
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,040
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
357
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,440
Why do you think I did that, then?
Well, I don't know.
358
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:51,880
Aren't you curious?
Well, yes.
359
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,360
Well, why don't you ask me?
Well-- Uh--
360
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:54,720
Name?
What?
361
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,320
Your name, please. Your name.
Um, uh, David.
362
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,120
David. Sure?
Oh, yes.
363
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,680
David Sure.
No, no, Thomas.
364
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,120
Thomas Sure.
No, no, David Thomas.
365
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,920
[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪
366
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,720
Oh, dear, we're back
to that again.
367
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:17,880
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
I don't know what to do
368
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,160
when you do that.
Well, do something.
369
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,640
[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
370
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,280
Five, four,
three, two, one!
371
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,200
[SHRIEKING]
372
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,120
Good.
Good?
373
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,480
Very good. Do it again.
374
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,760
[SHRIEKING]
375
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,440
Very good indeed.
Quite outstanding.
376
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,800
Right, ready now.
377
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,160
Right, once more.
378
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:53,240
[SINGING]
♪ Good night, ding-ding-ding ♪♪
379
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,320
[SHRIEKING]
380
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,160
What--? What's going on?
What's going on?
381
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:06,360
You got very good marks.
382
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,120
I don't care. I want
to know what's going on.
383
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,680
I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate
people and I'm going straight out of here
384
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,720
to tell the police exactly
what you do to people.
385
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,000
And I'm going to make
bloody sure you never do this again.
386
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,760
There, what do you think of that?
What do you think of that?!
387
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,560
Very good marks.
388
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,360
Oh, well, do I get the job?
Uh, well, I'm afraid not.
389
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:28,920
I'm afraid all the vacancies
were filled several weeks ago.
390
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,640
[LAUGHING]
391
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,440
Well, that was all good fun,
and we all had a jolly good laugh...
392
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,000
but I would like to assure you,
you'd never be treated like that
393
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,440
if you had an interview here
at the Careers Advisory Board.
394
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,160
Perhaps I should introduce myself.
395
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,840
I am the head
of the Careers Advisory Board.
396
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,920
I wanted to be a doctor,
but there we are.
397
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,320
I'm head of the
Careers Advisory Board.
398
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,520
Or a sculptor, something artistic.
Or an engineer, with all those dams,
399
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:08,120
but there we are,
it's no use crying over split milk.
400
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:09,880
The facts are there
and that's that.
401
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,160
I'm the head of this lousy board.
402
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:13,440
[CRYING]
403
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,560
Never mind.
404
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,600
Now, I wonder if you've considered
what a very profitable line of work
405
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,840
this man is in.
406
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,080
[DOORBELL RINGS]
407
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,960
Burglar.
408
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:31,880
[DOORBELL RINGS]
409
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,720
Burglar.
410
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,880
Yes?
Burglar, madam.
411
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,320
What do you want?
I want to come in
412
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,400
and steal a few things, madam.
413
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,760
Are you an
encyclopaedia salesman?
414
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,320
No, madam, I'm a burglar,
I burgle people.
415
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,520
I think you're an
encyclopaedia salesman.
416
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,480
I'm not. Open the door,
let me in.
417
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,480
If I let you in,
you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
418
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,560
I won't, madam. I just want to come
in, ransack the flat. Honestly.
419
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,440
Promise, no encyclopaedias?
None at all.
420
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,680
All right.
You can come in, then.
421
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,640
I don't know whether
you've considered the advantages
422
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,440
of owning a set of encyclopaedias. You
know, they can do you really wonders.
423
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:18,480
That man was a successful
encyclopaedia salesman.
424
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:21,440
But not all encyclopaedia
salesmen are successful.
425
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,320
Here is an unsuccessful
encyclopaedia salesman.
426
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:26,960
[DRUM ROLL]
427
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,080
Now here are two unsuccessful
encyclopaedia salesmen.
428
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:35,440
[DRUM ROLL]
429
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,160
I think there's a lesson there
for all of us.
430
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,600
[♪ ♪ ♪]