Original subtitles

[OWL HOOTING IN DISTANCE]

[PANTING]

[ANIMALS GROWLING]

It's...

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

NARRATOR

NARRATOR: The larch.

The larch.

Mr. Larch, you have heard the case for the prosecution.

Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

Well, I'd just like to say, my lord, that I've got a family,

a wife and six kids,

and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom,

because--

Well, because, my lord,

freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society.

It is a bond wherewith the savage man

may charm the outward hatchments of his soul

and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet.

[LOUDER] It is most precious as a blessed balm,

the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea,

the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear.

What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell,

chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes?

What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe,

or wakes the drowsy apricot betide?

What goddess doth the storm-tossed mariner

offer most tempestuous prayers to?

Freedom.

Freedom. Freedom.

It's only a bloody parking offence.

I'm sorry I'm late, my lord. I couldn't find a kosher car park.

Uh, don't bother to recap. I'll pick it up as we go along.

Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.

MAN: Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth. So anyway,

I said to her-- I said to her, I said,

"They can't afford that on what he earns."

I mean, for a start, the feathers get up your nose.

I ask you, 4 and 6 a pound, and him with a wooden leg?

I don't know how she puts up with it,

after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what.

Anyway, it was a white wedding, much to everyone's surprise.

Of course, they bought everything on-the-hire purchase.

I think they ought to send them back where they come from.

I mean, you've got to be cruel to be kind.

So Mrs. Harris said-- So she said-- She said-- She said--

"The dead crab," she said, she said.

Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia, what with her womb and all,

and her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet.

And the goldfish. The goldfish, they've got whooping cough.

They keep spitting water at the Bratbys. Well, they do, don't they?

I mean, you can't, can you?

I mean, they're not even married or anything,

they're not even divorced.

And he's in the KGB, if you ask me.

He says he's a tree surgeon, but I don't like the sound of his liver.

All that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours.

Well, his mother's been much better since she had her head off.

Yes, she has. I said, "Don't you talk to me about-

"Don't you talk to me about bladders," I said.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Mr. Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Uh, my next witness will explain that if my lordship will allow.

I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge? Yes, my lord.

Mr. Bartlett, do you think there is any real relevance

in questioning the deceased?

Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord?

Well, I mean, your witness is dead. Yes, my lord.

Well, uh, virtually, my lord.

He's not completely dead?

No, he's not completely dead, my lord.

No. But he's not at all well.

But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?

It's purely a precaution, my lord. If I may continue?

Uh, Mr. Aldridge, uh, you were a--

You are a stockbroker of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon?

[KNOCK]

Mr. Aldridge-- What was that knock?

Uh, it means yes, my lord. One knock for yes, and two knocks for no.

If I may continue? Uh, Mr. Aldridge,

uh, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well?

[KNOCK]

In fact, Mr. Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it,

would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were,

what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, dead?

Mr. Aldridge, I put it to you that you are dead.

Aha. Where is all this leading us?

That will become apparent in one moment, my lord.

Mr. Aldridge, are you considering the question,

or are you just dead?

I think I'd better take a look, my lord.

No further questions, my lord. Ahem.

What do you mean, "No further questions"?

You can't dump a dead body in my court and say, "No further questions."

I demand an explanation.

There are no easy answers in this case, my lord.

I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.

Uh, my lord, the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads

of this extraordinary, tangled web of intrigue

will shortly, my lord, reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous--

Please, Mr. Bartlett, your client

has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.

Parking offence, "schmarking" offence, my lord.

We must leave no stone unturned.

Call Cardinal Richelieu.

Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?

A character witness, my lord.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

Hello, everyone.

It's wonderful to be here, you know. I just love your country.

London is so beautiful at this time of year.

You are Cardinal Armand Du Plessis de Richelieu,

first minister of Louis XIII?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Cardinal, would it be fair to say

that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France,

but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?

That's what they say.

Did you persecute the Huguenots?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

And did you take even sterner measures

against the great Catholic nobles

who made common cause with foreign foes

in defence of their feudal independence?

I sure did that thing.

Cardinal, are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Larch?

Since I was so high.

Speaking as a cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church,

as first minister of Louis XIII,

and as one of the architects of the modern world already,

would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?

Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.

My lord, in view of the impeccable nature of this character witness,

may I plead for clemency?

Oh, it's only 30 shillings.

Not so fast. Why not?

Uh-- Uh--.

None of your smart answers.

You think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Dim. Consternation. Uproar.

Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask

Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

So-called Cardinal, I put it to you

that you died in December 1642. That is correct.

Aha! He fell for my little trap.

[APPLAUSE]

Curse you, Inspector Dim.

You are too clever for us naughty people.

And furthermore, I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins,

professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

Ah. It's a fair cop. My life, you're clever, Dim.

He'd certainly taken me in.

It's all in a day's work.

Oh, with a brilliant mind like yours, Dim,

you could be something other than a policeman.

Yes. What?

[BOUNCY MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO]

[SINGING] If I were not in the CID Something else I'd like to be

If I were not in the CID A window cleaner, me

With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub

And a rub-a-dub all day long

With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub

I'd sing this merry song

ALL [SINGING]: If I were not in the CID Something else I'd like to be

If I were not in the CID A window cleaner, me

With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub

And a rub-a-dub all day long

With a scrub-a-dub-dub And a rub-a-dub-dub

I'd sing this merry song Hey

[MUSIC STOPS]

If I were not before the bar Something else I'd like to be

If I were not a barrister An engine driver, me

With a chuff, chuff, chuff And a chuff, chuff, chuff

[GROANS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

NARRATOR

NARRATOR: The larch.

The larch.

NARRATOR

[♪ ♪ ♪]

NARRATOR: This man is no ordinary man.

This is Mr. F.G. Superman.

To all appearances, no different from any other law-abiding citizen.

But Mr. F.G. Superman has a secret identity.

When trouble strikes at any time, at any place,

he is ready to become Bicycle Repairman.

[WHISTLING]

Oh!

BOY: Hey.

There's a bicycle broken. Up the road.

Hmm. Thinks. This sounds like a job for Bicycle Repairman.

But how to change

without revealing my secret identity?

If only Bicycle Repairman were here.

Oh, yes.

Wait.

I think I know where I can find him.

Look. Over there.

[IN UNISON] Bicycle Repairman? But how?

Oh, look.

Is it a stockbroker?

Is it a quantity surveyor?

Is it a churchwarden?

ALL [IN UNISON]: No! It's Bicycle Repairman!

Why, Bicycle Repairman.

Thank goodness you've come.

Look.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Why, he's mending it with his own hands.

See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut?

ALL [IN UNISON]: Oh!

Bicycle Repairman, how can I ever repay you?

Oh, you don't need to, guv. It's all right.

It's all in a day's work for Bicycle Repairman.

[SNORTS]

ALL [IN UNISON]: Our hero.

NARRATOR: Yes, wherever bicycles are broken

or menaced by international Communism,

Bicycle Repairman is ready.

Ready to smash the Communists, wipe them up,

and shove them off the face of the Earth.

Mash that dirty, red scum!

Kick them in the teeth, where it hurts!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Filthy bastard commies.

I hate them, I hate them!

[SCREAMING]

WOMAN: Norman, tea's ready.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Coming, dear.

[ARMOUR CLINKING]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Hello, children, hello.

Here is this morning's story.

Are you ready?

Then we'll begin.

"One day, Ricky the magic pixy went to visit Daisy Bumble

in her tumbledown cottage.

He found her in the bedroom.

Roughly, he grabbed her heavy shoulders,

pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her...

Old Nick the sea captain

was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow.

He loved the life of the sea,

and he loved to hang out down by the pier,

where the men dressed as ladies?

Uh. Uh...

[CHUCKLES]

Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop

in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush

in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell.

Here he sold contraceptives and--"

[MUMBLES]

Discipline? Naked?

With a melon?

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[HUMMING "THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"]

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

[GRUNTING]

[HUMMING]

Whoo-hoo!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Hello, again.

Now, here's a little sketch by two boys from London town.

They've been writing for three years, and they've come up with a little number--

Here it is. It's called restaurant sketch.

[APPLAUSE]

It's nice here, isn't it? Ah, a very good restaurant.

Three stars, you know. Mm. Really?

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Good evening, sir. Good evening, madam.

May I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir?

Oh, thank you.

Hmm. Well, there you are, dear. Have a look there.

Anything you like?

The, uh, boeuf en croute is fantastic.

Oh, if I may suggest, sir, the faisan à la reine.

The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations.

Mm. Ooh.

That sounds good. Anyway, just have a look. Take your time, if you like.

Oh, uh, by the way,

got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you, uh, get me another?

I beg your pardon? Um-- Oh, it's nothing.

I've got a fork, a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one?

Thank you. Oh, sir, I do apologize.

Oh, no need to apologize. It doesn't worry me.

Oh, no, no, no. I do apologize.

I will fetch the headwaiter immédiatement.

There's no need to do that.

Oh, no, no. I'm sure the headwaiter,

he will want to apologize to you himself.

Oh. I will fetch him at once.

Well, you certainly get good service here.

They really look after you, yes.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Excuse me, monsieur and madam.

It's filthy!

Gaston, find out who washed this up,

and give them their cards immediately.

HEADWAITER: No, no. No--

Better still, we can't afford to take any chances.

Sack the entire washing-up staff. No. I don't want to make any trouble.

Oh, no. Please, it's no trouble.

It's quite right that you should point these kind of things out.

Gaston, tell the manager what has happened, immediately!

Oh, no, please. I don't want to cause any fuss.

Please, it's no fuss.

We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes

with your complete enjoyment of the meal.

I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork.

I know.

And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry.

But I know that no apologies I can make

can alter the fact that in our restaurant,

you have been given a dirty, filthy,

smelly piece of cutlery. It wasn't smelly.

It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it! I hate it.

I hate it! Nasty, grubby, dirty,

mangy, scrubby little fork! What--? That will do, Gilberto.

Ooh! Ooh! Gilberto.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, madam.

I am the manager. I've only just heard.

Uh, may I sit down? Yes, of course.

I want to apologize humbly, deeply,

and sincerely about the fork.

Oh, please, it's only a tiny bit dirty. Just-- I couldn't see it.

Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that,

but I can see it.

To me, it's like a mountain.

A vast bowl of pus.

Oh, it's not as bad as that.

No. It gets me here.

I can't give you any excuses for it.

There are no excuses.

I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant, recently,

but I haven't been too well.

Things aren't going very well back there.

The poor cook's son has been put away again,

and poor old Mrs. Dalrymple, who does the washing up,

can hardly move her poor fingers.

And then there's Gilberto's war wound.

But they're good people,

and they're kind people,

[SOBBING]

And together, we were beginning to get over this dark patch.

There was light at the end of the tunnel.

Now this!

Now this! I wanna die.

Could I get you some water?

It's the end of the road.

You bastards!

You vicious, heartless bastards!

[LAUGHS]

Look what you've done to him!

He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is,

and you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling,

and you grind him into the dirt!

This fine, honourable man

whose boots you are not worthy to kiss.

Oh, it makes me mad.

Mad.

Mad. Easy, Mungo, easy.

Mad. Mungo.

Oh! The war wound. The wound!

The wound. It's the end.

Ah! They've destroyed him. The end.

[SCREAMS]

He's dead.

They killed him.

Revenge.

Revenge! No, Mungo. Mungo.

Never kill a customer.

Oh! The wound! The wound again!

[SOBBING, SCREAMING]

Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife.

MAN: Oh, come on. No. CUSTOMERS: Boo!

Shut up. No. No.

Well, there we are then. That was the restaurant sketch.

A nice little number. A bit vicious in parts, but a lot of fun.

But how about that punch line, eh? Oh, you know what I mean.

Oh-ho-ho, really.

NARRATOR:Tired of that drab, boring life you lead?

Then purchase a past.

Yes, thousands of people

have led far more interesting lives than you will ever lead.

[DRUM ROLL]

[CANNON FIRES]

[CANCAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[GRUNTS]

[HORN HONKS]

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

[HORN HONKS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GRUNTS]

[MUSIC BOX PLAYS]

[WATER SPLASHES]

[BABBLING]

Pbbth!

And undoubtedly continue to lead interesting lives,

whereas you, just as assuredly, will not.

NARRATOR: But now, for the very first time,

bits of their lives are being made available for purchase.

For only 15 shillings, dullards like yourself

[WATER DRIPPING]

Can obtain beautifully framed photographs

of other people's lives.

Hang them in your den.

Stand them on your desk,

or next to your bed.

Pretend they are pictures from your past.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hello, I'm Uncle Frank and family.

Mind if we stay a couple of nights? Or a month? Or three years? So--

Hello. We're Uncle George and Agnes.

Could we live in the guestroom? Where's the bathroom?

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Shut up. Shut up.

[TALKING STOPS ABRUPTLY]

ALL: Oh, sorry.

MAN: Not good enough.

[MAN WHISTLING]

[WHISTLING CONTINUES]

[CHUCKLES]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Ahem. Good evening. Here is the 6:00 news,

read by Michael Queen.

It's been a quiet day over most of the country,

as people went back to work

after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year.

The only high spot of the weekend

was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN

in Bradford today.

[POUNDING]

Mr. Ted Johnson of the NEDC...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GUNSHOTS]

Hey! Hey!

In Geneva, officials of the central clearing banks

met with Herr Voleschtadt of Poland

to discuss non-returnable loans on a 12-year trust basis

for the construction of a new zinc-treating works

in the Omsk area of Krakow, near the Gulistan border.

The board of trade has ratified

a trade agreement with the Soviet Union

for the sale of 600 low-gear, electric sewing machines.

The president of the board of trade

said he hoped this would mark

a new era of expansion in world trade

[TRUCK STARTS]

And a new spirit of cooperation between East and West.

QUEEN: There has been a substantial drop in gold reserves

during the last 12 months.

This follows a statement by the Treasury

to the effect that the balance-of-imports situation

had not changed dramatically over the same period.

Still no news of the National Savings book

lost by Mr. Charles Griffiths of Porthcawl

during a field expedition to the nature reserves of Swansea last July.

Mr. Griffiths' wife

said that her husband was refusing to talk to the press

until the Savings certificate had been found.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

In Cornwall, the death has been announced, today,

of the former Minister without Portfolio,

General Sir Hugh Marksby-Smith.

Sir Hugh was vice president of the Rotarian movement.

In the match between Glamorgan and Yorkshire,

the Yorkshire bowler Nicholson took eight wickets for three runs.

Glamorgan were all out for 36,

and therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs.

Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy with occasional outbreaks of rain.

And that is the end of the news.

NARRATOR

NARRATOR: The larch.

NARRATOR

NARRATOR: The horse chestnut.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Eric, do you think you could, uh, recognize a larch tree?

[CHILDREN CHATTERING IN THE BACKGROUND]

I don't know.

What's your name?

Michael.

Michael, do you think, uh, you know what a larch tree looks like?

I want to go home.

[SNIFFLES]

Bottom.

[CHUCKLES]

Are there any other trees

that any of you, uh, think you could recognise

from quite along way away?

I want to see a sketch of Eric's, please.

What? I want to see a sketch of Eric's.

Nudge, nudge.

A what? A sketch? Eric's written--

I've written a sketch.

Nudge, nudge. Eric's written a sketch.

Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge.

Is your wife, uh, a goer, eh?

Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge.

Know what I mean? Say no more. Know what I mean?

Uh, I beg your pardon? Your wife.

Does she go, uh, does she go, eh? Eh? Eh?

Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Say no more.

Well, she sometimes goes, yes. I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does.

Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you.

Oh, follow me? Follow me? I like that. That's good.

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? Eh?

Are you trying to sell something? Selling, selling. Very good.

Very good.

Oh, wicked. Wicked. You're wicked, eh?

Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge.

Say no more. Ah. Whoo! Say no--?

Strewth.

Your wife. Is she, uh...? Is she a sport, eh?

Uh, yes. She likes sport, yes. I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does.

She's very fond of cricket, as a matter of fact.

Who isn't, eh?

Know what I mean? Likes games, likes games.

Knew she would. Knew she would. Knew she would.

She's been around, eh? Been around?

Yes, she's travelled. She's from Purley.

Oh, oh! Say no more, say no more, say no more. Purley? Say no more.

Purley, eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Say no more.

Your wife interested in, uh:

[MIMICS CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Photographs, eh?

Know what I mean? Photographs? He asked him knowingly.

Photography? Yes.

Nudge, nudge. Snap, snap. Grin, grin. Wink, wink. Say no more.

Holiday snaps? Could be. Could be taken on holiday.

Could be, yes, uh, swimming costumes. You know what I mean?

Candid photography. You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

No, no. We don't have a camera. Ahem.

Ah. Still.

Whoo! Eh?

[LAUGHS]

Eh?

Look, are you insinuating something?

Oh...

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yes. Well?

Well, I mean, uh,

I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you?

I mean, uh, you've-- You've been there, haven't you?

I mean, you've been around, eh? What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, you've, uh--

Uh, you've-- You've done it.

I mean, you've-- I mean, like, you know.

You've slept with a lady.

Yes. What's it like?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

[MAN SCREAMS]

[MAN SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: The larch.