Original subtitles

Good morning, you're listening to Sean Coyle on BBC Radio Foyle.

Let's kick things off with today's phone-in competition.

So, with Halloween night less than a week away,

we want to know the festival's original name.

What did the ancient Celts call Halloween?

If you think you know the answer, give us a buzz on 418352.

I tell you who'd know that. Kitty Reilly.

- Really? - Her son's in the ancient Celts.

- Her son plays for Celtic. - Sure, this is what I'm saying.

- Anything? - This is for Erin.

Oh, private and confidential.

Will I stick the kettle on and we'll steam it open, Mary?

That's actually a criminal offense, Sarah.

Your face should be a criminal offense.

Oh, morning, Joe.

I'm not going to steam open my daughter's mail.

Come on now, Sarah. As if I have time for that.

National Insurance card.

Is that all?

- Honest to God. - Is yours any more exciting?

- Jesus Christ! - What?

- Jesus Christ! I don't believe this! - What the hell is it?

Is there something you want to tell us, Sarah?

I'm thinking of going blonde.

- No, Sarah. - I know what you're going to say.

- It'll totally wash me out. - Sarah...

But with a couple of warm lowlights, I really think...

Are you engaged to Ciaran?

- What? - What?

12th of November. Why is that date familiar?

- Oh, I wonder. - I've booked to see Bjorn Again.

Have to give this a miss.

You're going to give your own engagement party a miss?

Well, now, to be fair, as ABBA tribute acts go,

- they're the best in the country. - They really are the genuine article.

Except, by definition, they're not. They're a tribute act.

You're an arsehole act!

- Are you engaged to Ciaran, Sarah? - Why do you keep asking that?

Because that's an invitation to your engagement party.

Oh, God, aye, so it is.

I think I know what's happened there.

Do you mind filling the rest of us in?

Well, two Fridays ago, Ciaran came to pick me up from dancercise.

I'm gasping, I mean, I've a mouth on me like Gandhi's flip-flop.

I tell him you need to stop at the shop and grab me a Calypso,

but he says he has a better idea,

and he pulls over, and he whips out...

Whips out what? What does he whip out?

This ring.

And he asks me if I'd do him the honor of accepting it.

And you did?

Well, I knew the stone would restrict me a fair bit, nail polish wise.

I mean, red's out for a start.

Christ almighty.

And I'm wondering if me taking this ring has somehow

led Ciaran to think I'd agreed to marry him.

I'd say there's a chance it did, yeah.

What a nightmare.

- I'm not even that into him, to be honest. - Not your fault, love.

These bloody fellas, they only hear what they want to hear.

You have to tell him, Sarah.

- Do you think? - Yes.

But I don't have to give the ring back, do I?

Mammy, do you remember you said

we could get an advance on our birthday money,

if we had a good enough reason?

I didn't say that.

Mmm-hmm. Orla.

All right, all right, I suppose you could get an advance

on your birthday money, if you had a good enough reason.

Busted.

Jesus, but Home Alone 2 has a lot to answer for.

They're flat out recording us on that thing, Mary.

That time we were slagging off Deidre Mallon's pelmet, it's all on there.

What's wrong with Deidre Mallon's pelmet?

It doesn't match her tie-backs, Gerry.

They're having this massive Halloween concert in St Columb's Hall.

Tickets go on sale today.

- How much? - 20 quid each.

20 quid each? Who's playing, God?

Oh, he's bigger than God.

♪ Right about now The funk soul brother ♪

Exciting news for Derry today as tickets go on sale for Fatboy Slim.

The world-renowned DJ is set to play the city's famous Halloween Festival.

♪ Right about now The funk soul brother ♪

♪ Check it out now The funk soul brother ♪

Listen, I've played everywhere.

New York, London, Paris, Munich,

but it's all been leading up to this.

Derry is the dream.

That's right, gang. Fatboy Slim is coming to Derry!

Norman, we are not worthy to receive you.

- Only say the word and we shall be healed. - What if they sell out?

They won't. I asked my ma to light a candle.

I can't believe we're gonna see him play live. I mean, the man's a genius.

- He's a modern day Beethoven. - Except good.

I just love Halloween.

It's the one night of the year that Protestants and Catholics

set aside their political and religious differences

and just come together...

- And fight ghosts. - No, Orla.

Halloween is class.

There's just something about fancy dress that turns an ordinary night out

into an absolute free-for-all, riding wise.

Beautiful.

It really is.

Shipquay Street is gonna be a total fucking fiddle fest!

We really need to decide on our costumes, girls. Time is ticking.

Poundstretcher has already run out of glitter.

Fuck off!

I was thinking of angels, you know, like Claire Danes in Romeo + Juliet.

- I like it. - Simple, classic.

And I can wear my white hot pants, which show

just the right amount of arse cheek.

Oh, that's decided, then.

Clare. See that girl?

Yeah.

Her name's Laurie. She's a lezzie.

- That's Laurie the Lezzie. - We don't say lezzie, Michelle.

What's wrong with saying lezzie? You can say it. All the gays say lezzie.

- It's like an industry term now, Clare. - You should tell her, Clare.

- Tell her what? - That you're a lezzie too.

That's enough!

- This could be your big chance. - My big chance?

Well, have you ever even met another lezzie?

Stop saying lezzie!

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I see every other gay woman

as a potential suitor.

Aye, keep saying things like "suitor", Clare.

That'll help you off-load the old virginity.

- Why don't you just tell her? - Because it's pathetic, Erin.

- Hi, there. - Hi, I'm a lesbian!

Congratulations.

- Thank you. - How many of you are there?

Just me. Just the one lesbian. The rest of them are straight.

- How many tickets do you need? - Oh, I see. Five, please.

Well, this is your lucky day. Only five left.

- Yes! - Thank you, Jesus.

I'm going myself, actually.

I'll be the clown propping up the bar.

You're not a clown.

Oh, no, I mean I'll be dressed as a clown. Like, it's my costume.

- Aye, no, I get that. - You should come say hello.

I will. I totally will! I definitely will! I'll do that! I will!

- So do you think you w-w-will, Clare? - Shut up!

Sorry, folks. That's us sold out now.

What? No! No, they cut in!

This isn't fair! They skipped us!

- Balls we did! - It's the truth, I swear.

- I'll have to speak to my manager. - We didn't skip you!

"We didn't skip you!"

Who do you think the manager is gonna believe,

a couple of spotty kids or a grown man?

Elderly man! It's a happy death you should be looking for,

not Fatboy Slim tickets, you fucking pensioner.

- Just do one. - Why should we?

Er, because I've been a Fatboy fan way longer than you.

Er, is that because you're his granda?

- Fuck off. - You fuck off.

Do not test me.

We're not afraid of you.

- All right, Madstab, how's it going? - Not bad.

Madstab.

Is that like your Christian name?

- I want the tickets. - Well, you're not getting them.

You're upsetting me now.

You know, now I'm getting real fucking upset here.

We didn't mean to upset you, Mr. Stab.

Honestly, that's the last thing we want to do, but

don't you think you're being slightly unreasonable here?

- No. - Right.

My manager says we're gonna have to toss a coin.

Fuck that. I'll fight him for them.

Excuse me, please?

- That seems fair. - Me, you. Outside. Now. Let's go.

Me? Why me?

I'm hardly gonna fight a girl now, am I?

OK, I'm not buzzing about the sexism,

but the fact that he wants to thump James is a wee bit exciting.

I'm not gonna fight you for a couple of Fatboy Slim tickets.

Why not?

Because one, it's ridiculous,

and two, you're much bigger than me!

Tell this prick to grow a spine, will you?

Yeah, cause they're really going to encourage me

to have a physical fight with a grown man!

Like that's actually gonna happen!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Jesus Christ.

- OK, he gets first dig. - Why?

I just feel like I should give him a chance.

Lamp him, James!

I don't want to lamp him, Michelle,

because if I lamp him, he'll definitely lamp me!

- What the fuck are you waiting for? - Go on, James!

- Go, James, you can do it! - I expected better from you, Clare!

I'm sorry, but we need to get those tickets!

- Hit me, for fuck's sake! - Hit him, James!

Come on, do it for Fatboy!

Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

He grabbed the tickets!

No!

Are you happy now? Cause...

I'm gonna rip your fucking face clean off.

What's the plan now, James?

Run!

I see you again, you're fucking dead! Do you hear me?

You're all fucking dead!

Go on, you fuck!

Where's Michelle?

She didn't wanna come.

She's taking this whole thing pretty badly.

She's not eating, she's not sleeping.

I've never seen her this upset.

I'm trying not to blame myself.

- I think you should blame yourself. - Me too.

- What? - It is sort of your fault, James.

- You tore the tickets up. - What the hell were you thinking?

I don't know.

I was high on adrenaline. Anyway, what does it matter?

I was never gonna win that fight.

The man's the size of a wardrobe.

But you're English, James.

About five of you managed to colonize half the planet,

so, you know, we thought you might have something up your sleeve.

Well, I didn't.

We're in Derry, where preparations are underway

for their famous Halloween celebrations.

The incredible Fatboy Slim is set to play at this year's festival.

- Why can't God just give us a break? - I don't know, maybe he hates us.

- Don't be ridiculous, girls. - Sister Michael?

- Of course God doesn't hate you. - Thank you, Sister.

- You're not interesting enough. - I see.

I'd say he'd be ambivalent towards you, at best.

Right.

If he even exists.

- What? - Nothing.

Are you hiring out your clothes?

Me and the girls do it every Halloween.

You can make an absolute fortune.

- Is that allowed? - It's for a good cause.

Like a charity thing?

Like a foreign holiday thing. Good day, ladies.

And while Fatboy Slim's presence brings excitement...

I'm sorry, can we just turn this off?

...it also led to heartbreak for a group of local young people.

Earlier today we caught up with local teenager Michelle Mallon

- to hear more. - What?

Michelle, something awful happened to your cousin James recently.

That's right, Margaret.

He was too chicken to come on here and speak about it himself.

- What's happening? - James doesn't have a lot going on.

He isn't very bright, he's not much to look at,

and there's no easy way to say this,

he's also English.

- I'm so sorry to hear that. - Thank you, Margaret.

So, because James has so many problems,

me and my friends thought that we would club together

and buy him Fatboy Slim tickets, because he's such a big fan.

That was so nice of us.

So, he put on his best "Rockafeller Skank" T-shirt

and headed up to town with the money securely tucked away in his pocket.

What's she talking about?

And then these group of lads spotted him and they just start shouting abuse at him.

That didn't happen.

They were like, "And Fatboy Slim's is fucking shit."

Oh.

I know, "And his music just sounds like a big bag of fucking dicks."

- I see, right. - Aye. And then they said,

"You're a piece of fucking shit English scum."

"Climb back up your fucking ma."

- That didn't happen! - Sh!

Then they just jumped him and started battering him.

None of this happened!

And they stole all the money that we gave him,

and they left him with a black eye and a broken leg.

And really they are just a big bunch of cunts themselves, so...

Why is she doing this?

Attention, obviously.

- ...great news. - She'd do anything to get on TV.

...the event organizers and shared...

What a totally pathetic move.

And not only did they offer tickets for you,

- James and your friends, - Oh!

but they've also thrown in the VIP experience too.

- What do you think? - Oh, my God.

It did not occur to me that coming on this show

with this sob story might possibly lead to such a thing.

What a totally genius move.

We are going to the motherfucking ball, people!

Yeah, we are!

Ouh-ah!

- What are you supposed to be? Swans? - We're not swans.

- Are we not? - We're angels.

- Angels don't use crutches. - And swans do?

You're a swan expert now, are you?

- Yeah, that's precisely what I said. - God love you, son.

Imagine beating you up just cause you like Slimboy Fat.

Yeah, I still can't quite believe it myself, actually.

That'll be Daddy!

Ah, I love his wee toy car.

- Daddy, what's this? - A new car.

- Do you like it? - What happened to the van?

I had to get rid of it. Christ, but it stank of fish.

We're not all gonna fit in there.

- Course you will. I'll stack you. - You'll what?

I'll lay you across the back seat, one on top of each other.

Layer you up, so to speak.

So, what's the plan then, Sean? You gonna stack them?

Oh, aye, otherwise I'm looking at two runs,

and sure, who has time for that?

- I could take some of them. - We have to arrive together, Daddy.

It's an ensemble costume, Gerry.

- Aye, sure, you can't separate the flock. - We're not swans.

- Need a hand stacking them, Sean? - Ach, no, I'll be grand.

Sure, I'm only after doing it with a load of plasterboard there.

You're not stacking us, Daddy! We're not plasterboard!

We're VIPs, for God's sake!

True enough.

VIPs should travel in style.

Yeah!

Ciaran's on his way round.

I think it's as good a time as any to call off this engagement.

- You're not going to tell him here? - No, but he's being told here.

And how is that different?

- I said you'd do it for her, love. - You said what?

You don't mind, do you?

Of course I mind.

I just think it would be better coming from you, Gerry.

Well, I don't. I think people who get themselves accidentally engaged

should break off their own accidental engagements.

I've no time, Gerry.

It's Halloween night.

I have to do Mary's make-up as well as my own,

and neither of us have so much as a base coat on yet.

The day ran away from me.

I think I will go for a smoky eye, you know.

Ach, I'm still not convinced, you know, Mary.

- I won't do it. I will not do it. - Won't do what?

Dear Jesus.

Good, isn't it?

Got it from Jim across the road. He has two.

Of course he does.

Daddy, Gerry won't tell Ciaran I don't want to marry him.

- Well, I'll tell him. - Really?

- Don't think your father should tell him. - Why not?

Then I'll put the pushy wee bastard through that wall.

There you are.

- Trick or treat! - Oh, here. I'll sort them out.

So, Ciaran hasn't done anything wrong

and now your father is going to kill the poor fella?

And to think you could have prevented it, Gerry.

Unbelievable.

Oh, hello, there. Don't you look fab?

No ugly ducklings here, eh?

We're not swans.

Too many feathers. I said go easy on the feathers.

Can I see your wee passes there?

Lovely stuff.

And you're the wee lad who got the shite kicked out of him, right?

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Welcome to the VIP suite.

This is the best night of my life!

So, I'll be looking after you this evening.

My name is Fintan, but you can call me Fifi.

- Aye, that won't be happening. - Amazing.

Excuse me, Finfin. The sweets, the crisps, the drinks, you know, etc.

They're free?

- Absolutely. - See you in a bit, lads.

So, just to let you know, we told Norman your story.

Norman? Norman, Norman?

Fatboy Norman?

Ah, sorry, no, our security guard Norman.

Right.

Of course Fatboy Norman! I couldn't help myself!

Jesus, sure, I'm terrible!

Aren't I terrible?

What did he say?

That he'd like to meet you.

Do not fuck with us, Fifi.

I'm serious.

He's got a few minutes before he goes on stage.

Let me just go and grab him.

When Norman gets out here,

it is very important that we don't be dicks.

- Got it. - Wait a sec.

Isn't there supposed to be, like, five of you?

- Where's Clare gone? - Oh, I'm gonna kill her.

Well, hello, Coco.

No!

Clare, what is going on?

She's lezzie hunting, that's what's going on.

- I love lezzie hunting. - There's hundreds of them!

That's good, isn't it?

Not hundreds of lesbians, James, hundreds of clowns!

There's clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right!

- It's like a clown shop! - Or a circus.

It's not the time for semantics!

We need to go, Clare. Now. Come on.

- What about Laurie? - Fuck Laurie.

We're going to meet the actual Fatboy Slim!

Not without my lezzie!

I thought we should have a chat, because...

Sorry, Gerry. I find it hard to concentrate with...

Yeah, of course.

Could you take that thing off, please, Joe?

Joe.

So, I thought we should have a bit of a chat.

Yeah, definitely. We should get to know each other a bit.

All the lads.

- We'll be family soon enough, won't we? - Nope.

The thing is, Ciaran, we all know Sarah can be a bit...

- I don't want to say light in the pan... - Too right, you don't.

...but she's different, isn't she, Ciaran?

She's different from other people.

From, you know, normal people.

She's the love of my life.

- Well, you're not the love of hers. - OK, thank you, Joe.

What do you mean? What does he mean, Gerry?

The thing is, Ciaran, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding,

about the engagement.

She's not calling it off, is she?

Well done, Columbo.

Why? Oh, Christ, she's met someone else, hasn't she?

Not exactly.

Now, this is going to sound a bit hard to believe,

but the fact is, Ciaran, that when you gave her...

God, Ciaran, are you still here?

Sarah?

I'm awful sorry, Ciaran, are you OK?

Well, it's...

...it's a lot to take in.

Though I suppose you were always spiritual in your own way.

You're not angry with me, Ciaran, are you?

No. How could I be?

- A calling's a calling. - Happy days.

I'm... I'm going to...

I should go.

Goodbye, Sarah.

Goodbye, Ciaran, and God bless.

- He's looking well on it, isn't he? - Stop.

- Ciaran away, is he? - Good costumes, girls.

- They look like the real thing. - They are.

Well, I still don't think they're worth what we paid, Sarah.

Them Sisters of Mercy saw us coming.

Hello?

When?

How the hell are we meant to find her?

You can't exactly walk up to someone and ask if they're a lesbian.

Sorry, excuse me, are you a lesbian?

I stand corrected.

Three minutes until Fatboy Slim is on this very stage, people.

Three minutes!

Come on, Clare!

I think I love her, guys!

Oh, wise up!

We'll never find her on time.

I say we just start whipping people's masks off.

Can I just...

Sorry, my hand slipped.

Sorry. Sorry.

Can I see your face? No.

Sorry! Sorry!

One minute, people!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Oh, could I just...

I don't understand. How did you...?

I tore up the tickets!

I glued them back together, motherfucker!

- Oh, I see. - You are so fucking dead!

Argh!

Run for it, James!

Security!

Could someone help me, please?

What in under Whitney?

- There's nothing wrong with him! - He's a nutter!

Lying wee shites!

No, not the clown, the swans!

Grab the swans!

We're not swans!

- Fuck you there! - Fuck you!

Get off me!

You'll be hearing from our solicitors.

We're shitting ourselves.

Clare, what's going on?

Give us a second here, would you?

You're getting kicked out? What for?

- Fighting. - Oh, my God.

That's a pity, cause I was sort of planning on kissing you tonight.

Is that a joke?

- I mean, cause it's fine. - If it is a joke.

I mean, it's hilarious,

but I just wanted to check in case it isn't.

OK.

Does this mean we're going steady?

Let's maybe see how it goes.

All right, Juliet + Juliet, let's go.

- Knock it on the head. - Thank you. I mean, sure!

I mean, great! I mean...

- Bye, Clare. - Great!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing

Fatboy Slim!

♪ Right here ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Right here, right now ♪

♪ Right here, right now ♪

♪ Right here, right now ♪

♪ Right here, right now ♪

Annoying wee bastards.

Did Laurie plant the lips on you back there?

Yeah.

- We're going steady! - Oh, my God, Clare, that's amazing!

- I know! - Oh, my God!

Daddy?

What's going on? What are you doing here?

Daddy, what is it? What's wrong?

Clare, love...

Hum.

Your dad...

What does that mean?

I don't understand what that means.

An aneurysm?

I'm not sure.

It's not good.

But he'll be OK, won't he?

He'll be OK.

♪ We've come a long, long way together ♪

♪ Through the hard times and the good ♪

♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪

♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪

♪ We've come a long, long way together ♪

♪ Through the hard times and the good ♪

♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪

♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪

♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪

♪ Like I should ♪

♪ Praise you like I should ♪

♪ Like I should ♪

♪ Praise you like I should ♪

♪ I have to praise you ♪

♪ Like I should ♪

♪ I have to praise you ♪

♪ Like I should ♪

♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪