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Good morning, you're listening
to Sean Coyle on BBC Radio Foyle.
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Let's kick things off with today's
phone-in competition.
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So, with Halloween night
less than a week away,
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we want to know the festival's
original name.
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What did the ancient Celts call Halloween?
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If you think you know the answer,
give us a buzz on 418352.
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I tell you who'd know that. Kitty Reilly.
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- Really?
- Her son's in the ancient Celts.
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- Her son plays for Celtic.
- Sure, this is what I'm saying.
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- Anything?
- This is for Erin.
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Oh, private and confidential.
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Will I stick the kettle on
and we'll steam it open, Mary?
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That's actually a criminal offense, Sarah.
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Your face should be a criminal offense.
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Oh, morning, Joe.
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I'm not going to steam open
my daughter's mail.
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Come on now, Sarah.
As if I have time for that.
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National Insurance card.
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Is that all?
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- Honest to God.
- Is yours any more exciting?
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- Jesus Christ!
- What?
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- Jesus Christ! I don't believe this!
- What the hell is it?
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Is there something you want
to tell us, Sarah?
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I'm thinking of going blonde.
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- No, Sarah.
- I know what you're going to say.
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- It'll totally wash me out.
- Sarah...
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But with a couple of
warm lowlights, I really think...
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Are you engaged to Ciaran?
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- What?
- What?
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12th of November.
Why is that date familiar?
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- Oh, I wonder.
- I've booked to see Bjorn Again.
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Have to give this a miss.
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You're going to give your own
engagement party a miss?
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Well, now, to be fair,
as ABBA tribute acts go,
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- they're the best in the country.
- They really are the genuine article.
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Except, by definition, they're not.
They're a tribute act.
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You're an arsehole act!
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- Are you engaged to Ciaran, Sarah?
- Why do you keep asking that?
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Because that's an invitation
to your engagement party.
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Oh, God, aye, so it is.
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I think I know what's happened there.
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Do you mind filling the rest of us in?
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Well, two Fridays ago,
Ciaran came to pick me up from dancercise.
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I'm gasping, I mean, I've a mouth
on me like Gandhi's flip-flop.
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I tell him you need to stop at
the shop and grab me a Calypso,
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but he says he has a better idea,
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and he pulls over, and he whips out...
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Whips out what? What does he whip out?
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This ring.
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And he asks me if I'd do him
the honor of accepting it.
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And you did?
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Well, I knew the stone would restrict me
a fair bit, nail polish wise.
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I mean, red's out for a start.
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Christ almighty.
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And I'm wondering if me taking
this ring has somehow
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led Ciaran to think
I'd agreed to marry him.
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I'd say there's a chance it did, yeah.
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What a nightmare.
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- I'm not even that into him, to be honest.
- Not your fault, love.
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These bloody fellas, they only hear
what they want to hear.
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You have to tell him, Sarah.
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- Do you think?
- Yes.
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But I don't have to give
the ring back, do I?
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Mammy, do you remember you said
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we could get an advance
on our birthday money,
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if we had a good enough reason?
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I didn't say that.
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Mmm-hmm. Orla.
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All right, all right,
I suppose you could get an advance
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on your birthday money,
if you had a good enough reason.
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Busted.
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Jesus, but Home Alone 2
has a lot to answer for.
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They're flat out recording us
on that thing, Mary.
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That time we were slagging off
Deidre Mallon's pelmet, it's all on there.
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What's wrong with Deidre Mallon's pelmet?
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It doesn't match her tie-backs, Gerry.
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They're having this massive
Halloween concert in St Columb's Hall.
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Tickets go on sale today.
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- How much?
- 20 quid each.
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20 quid each? Who's playing, God?
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Oh, he's bigger than God.
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♪ Right about now
The funk soul brother ♪
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Exciting news for Derry today as
tickets go on sale for Fatboy Slim.
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The world-renowned DJ is set to play
the city's famous Halloween Festival.
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♪ Right about now
The funk soul brother ♪
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♪ Check it out now
The funk soul brother ♪
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Listen, I've played everywhere.
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New York, London, Paris, Munich,
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but it's all been leading up to this.
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Derry is the dream.
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That's right, gang.
Fatboy Slim is coming to Derry!
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Norman,
we are not worthy to receive you.
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- Only say the word and we shall be healed.
- What if they sell out?
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They won't. I asked my ma
to light a candle.
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I can't believe we're gonna see
him play live. I mean, the man's a genius.
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- He's a modern day Beethoven.
- Except good.
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I just love Halloween.
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It's the one night of the year
that Protestants and Catholics
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set aside their political
and religious differences
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and just come together...
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- And fight ghosts.
- No, Orla.
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Halloween is class.
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There's just something about fancy dress
that turns an ordinary night out
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into an absolute free-for-all,
riding wise.
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Beautiful.
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It really is.
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Shipquay Street is gonna be
a total fucking fiddle fest!
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We really need to decide
on our costumes, girls. Time is ticking.
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Poundstretcher has already
run out of glitter.
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Fuck off!
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I was thinking of angels, you know,
like Claire Danes in Romeo Juliet.
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- I like it.
- Simple, classic.
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And I can wear
my white hot pants, which show
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just the right amount of arse cheek.
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Oh, that's decided, then.
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Clare. See that girl?
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Yeah.
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Her name's Laurie. She's a lezzie.
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- That's Laurie the Lezzie.
- We don't say lezzie, Michelle.
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What's wrong with saying lezzie?
You can say it. All the gays say lezzie.
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- It's like an industry term now, Clare.
- You should tell her, Clare.
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- Tell her what?
- That you're a lezzie too.
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That's enough!
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- This could be your big chance.
- My big chance?
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Well, have you ever even met
another lezzie?
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Stop saying lezzie!
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Just because I'm gay doesn't mean
I see every other gay woman
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as a potential suitor.
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Aye, keep saying things
like "suitor", Clare.
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That'll help you off-load
the old virginity.
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- Why don't you just tell her?
- Because it's pathetic, Erin.
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- Hi, there.
- Hi, I'm a lesbian!
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Congratulations.
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- Thank you.
- How many of you are there?
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Just me. Just the one lesbian.
The rest of them are straight.
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- How many tickets do you need?
- Oh, I see. Five, please.
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Well, this is your lucky day.
Only five left.
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- Yes!
- Thank you, Jesus.
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I'm going myself, actually.
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I'll be the clown propping up the bar.
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You're not a clown.
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Oh, no, I mean I'll be dressed
as a clown. Like, it's my costume.
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- Aye, no, I get that.
- You should come say hello.
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I will. I totally will!
I definitely will! I'll do that! I will!
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- So do you think you w-w-will, Clare?
- Shut up!
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Sorry, folks. That's us sold out now.
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What? No! No, they cut in!
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This isn't fair! They skipped us!
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- Balls we did!
- It's the truth, I swear.
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- I'll have to speak to my manager.
- We didn't skip you!
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"We didn't skip you!"
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Who do you think the manager
is gonna believe,
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a couple of spotty kids or a grown man?
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Elderly man! It's a happy death
you should be looking for,
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not Fatboy Slim tickets,
you fucking pensioner.
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- Just do one.
- Why should we?
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Er, because I've been a Fatboy fan
way longer than you.
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Er, is that because you're his granda?
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- Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
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Do not test me.
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We're not afraid of you.
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- All right, Madstab, how's it going?
- Not bad.
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Madstab.
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Is that like your Christian name?
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- I want the tickets.
- Well, you're not getting them.
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You're upsetting me now.
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You know, now I'm getting
real fucking upset here.
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We didn't mean to upset you, Mr. Stab.
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Honestly, that's the last thing
we want to do, but
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don't you think you're being
slightly unreasonable here?
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- No.
- Right.
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My manager says we're gonna have
to toss a coin.
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Fuck that. I'll fight him for them.
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Excuse me, please?
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- That seems fair.
- Me, you. Outside. Now. Let's go.
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Me? Why me?
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I'm hardly gonna fight a girl now, am I?
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OK, I'm not buzzing about the sexism,
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but the fact that he wants to thump
James is a wee bit exciting.
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I'm not gonna fight you for a couple
of Fatboy Slim tickets.
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Why not?
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Because one, it's ridiculous,
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and two, you're much bigger than me!
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Tell this prick to grow a spine, will you?
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Yeah, cause they're really going
to encourage me
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to have a physical fight with a grown man!
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Like that's actually gonna happen!
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Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
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Jesus Christ.
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- OK, he gets first dig.
- Why?
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I just feel like I should
give him a chance.
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Lamp him, James!
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00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,840
I don't want to lamp him, Michelle,
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00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,560
because if I lamp him,
he'll definitely lamp me!
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- What the fuck are you waiting for?
- Go on, James!
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00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,640
- Go, James, you can do it!
- I expected better from you, Clare!
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00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,056
I'm sorry, but we need to get
those tickets!
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00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,280
- Hit me, for fuck's sake!
- Hit him, James!
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00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,760
Come on, do it for Fatboy!
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00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,960
Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!
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00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,720
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
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He grabbed the tickets!
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00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,800
No!
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Are you happy now? Cause...
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I'm gonna rip your fucking face clean off.
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What's the plan now, James?
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Run!
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00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:50,760
I see you again,
you're fucking dead! Do you hear me?
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You're all fucking dead!
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Go on, you fuck!
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00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,000
Where's Michelle?
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00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,720
She didn't wanna come.
213
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,800
She's taking this whole thing
pretty badly.
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00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,320
She's not eating, she's not sleeping.
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00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,400
I've never seen her this upset.
216
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,840
I'm trying not to blame myself.
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00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,960
- I think you should blame yourself.
- Me too.
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00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:25,680
- What?
- It is sort of your fault, James.
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- You tore the tickets up.
- What the hell were you thinking?
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I don't know.
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I was high on adrenaline.
Anyway, what does it matter?
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I was never gonna win that fight.
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The man's the size of a wardrobe.
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But you're English, James.
225
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About five of you managed
to colonize half the planet,
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so, you know, we thought you might
have something up your sleeve.
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Well, I didn't.
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00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,656
We're in Derry,
where preparations are underway
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00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,240
for their famous Halloween celebrations.
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The incredible Fatboy Slim is set
to play at this year's festival.
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00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,320
- Why can't God just give us a break?
- I don't know, maybe he hates us.
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00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,320
- Don't be ridiculous, girls.
- Sister Michael?
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00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,880
- Of course God doesn't hate you.
- Thank you, Sister.
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00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,240
- You're not interesting enough.
- I see.
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00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,440
I'd say he'd be ambivalent
towards you, at best.
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00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,160
Right.
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00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,920
If he even exists.
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00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,800
- What?
- Nothing.
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00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,560
Are you hiring out your clothes?
240
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,520
Me and the girls do it every Halloween.
241
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,800
You can make an absolute fortune.
242
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,080
- Is that allowed?
- It's for a good cause.
243
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,080
Like a charity thing?
244
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,040
Like a foreign holiday thing.
Good day, ladies.
245
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,376
And while Fatboy Slim's
presence brings excitement...
246
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,320
I'm sorry, can we just turn this off?
247
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,000
...it also led to heartbreak
for a group of local young people.
248
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,520
Earlier today we caught up with
local teenager Michelle Mallon
249
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,480
- to hear more.
- What?
250
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:42,440
Michelle, something awful happened
to your cousin James recently.
251
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,200
That's right, Margaret.
252
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,320
He was too chicken to come on here
and speak about it himself.
253
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,360
- What's happening?
- James doesn't have a lot going on.
254
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,200
He isn't very bright,
he's not much to look at,
255
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,480
and there's no easy way to say this,
256
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,080
he's also English.
257
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,776
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Thank you, Margaret.
258
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,200
So, because James has so many problems,
259
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,360
me and my friends thought
that we would club together
260
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,160
and buy him Fatboy Slim tickets,
because he's such a big fan.
261
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,680
That was so nice of us.
262
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,200
So, he put on his best
"Rockafeller Skank" T-shirt
263
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:16,360
and headed up to town with the money
securely tucked away in his pocket.
264
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,880
What's she talking about?
265
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,896
And then these group of lads spotted him
and they just start shouting abuse at him.
266
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,280
That didn't happen.
267
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,720
They were like,
"And Fatboy Slim's is fucking shit."
268
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,400
Oh.
269
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,800
I know, "And his music just sounds
like a big bag of fucking dicks."
270
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,400
- I see, right.
- Aye. And then they said,
271
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,040
"You're a piece
of fucking shit English scum."
272
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,680
"Climb back up your fucking ma."
273
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,120
- That didn't happen!
- Sh!
274
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,400
Then they just jumped him
and started battering him.
275
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:41,600
None of this happened!
276
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,520
And they stole all the money
that we gave him,
277
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,280
and they left him with a black eye
and a broken leg.
278
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,640
And really they are just a big bunch
of cunts themselves, so...
279
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,080
Why is she doing this?
280
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,680
Attention, obviously.
281
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,360
- ...great news.
- She'd do anything to get on TV.
282
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,160
...the event organizers and shared...
283
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,000
What a totally pathetic move.
284
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,200
And not only
did they offer tickets for you,
285
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,040
- James and your friends,
- Oh!
286
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,240
but they've also thrown in
the VIP experience too.
287
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,880
- What do you think?
- Oh, my God.
288
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,320
It did not occur to me
that coming on this show
289
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,520
with this sob story might possibly
lead to such a thing.
290
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,400
What a totally genius move.
291
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,400
We are going to the motherfucking ball,
people!
292
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,680
Yeah, we are!
293
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:32,440
Ouh-ah!
294
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,400
- What are you supposed to be? Swans?
- We're not swans.
295
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,320
- Are we not?
- We're angels.
296
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,360
- Angels don't use crutches.
- And swans do?
297
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,120
You're a swan expert now, are you?
298
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,880
- Yeah, that's precisely what I said.
- God love you, son.
299
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,160
Imagine beating you up
just cause you like Slimboy Fat.
300
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,240
Yeah, I still can't quite believe it
myself, actually.
301
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,280
That'll be Daddy!
302
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,640
Ah, I love his wee toy car.
303
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,320
- Daddy, what's this?
- A new car.
304
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,896
- Do you like it?
- What happened to the van?
305
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,560
I had to get rid of it.
Christ, but it stank of fish.
306
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,856
We're not all gonna fit in there.
307
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,800
- Course you will. I'll stack you.
- You'll what?
308
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,176
I'll lay you across the back seat,
one on top of each other.
309
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,320
Layer you up, so to speak.
310
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,280
So, what's the plan then, Sean?
You gonna stack them?
311
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,120
Oh, aye, otherwise I'm looking
at two runs,
312
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,296
and sure, who has time for that?
313
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,616
- I could take some of them.
- We have to arrive together, Daddy.
314
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,480
It's an ensemble costume, Gerry.
315
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,840
- Aye, sure, you can't separate the flock.
- We're not swans.
316
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,320
- Need a hand stacking them, Sean?
- Ach, no, I'll be grand.
317
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,120
Sure, I'm only after doing it
with a load of plasterboard there.
318
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,216
You're not stacking us, Daddy!
We're not plasterboard!
319
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,200
We're VIPs, for God's sake!
320
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:46,440
True enough.
321
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,840
VIPs should travel in style.
322
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,080
Yeah!
323
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,600
Ciaran's on his way round.
324
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,000
I think it's as good a time as any
to call off this engagement.
325
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:38,200
- You're not going to tell him here?
- No, but he's being told here.
326
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,296
And how is that different?
327
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,360
- I said you'd do it for her, love.
- You said what?
328
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,560
You don't mind, do you?
329
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:43,800
Of course I mind.
330
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,160
I just think it would be better
coming from you, Gerry.
331
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,920
Well, I don't. I think people who get
themselves accidentally engaged
332
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,840
should break off their own
accidental engagements.
333
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,280
I've no time, Gerry.
334
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,640
It's Halloween night.
335
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,440
I have to do Mary's make-up
as well as my own,
336
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,840
and neither of us have so much as
a base coat on yet.
337
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,400
The day ran away from me.
338
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,280
I think I will go for a smoky eye,
you know.
339
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,360
Ach, I'm still not convinced,
you know, Mary.
340
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,800
- I won't do it. I will not do it.
- Won't do what?
341
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,240
Dear Jesus.
342
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,600
Good, isn't it?
343
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,040
Got it from Jim across the road.
He has two.
344
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,120
Of course he does.
345
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,336
Daddy, Gerry won't tell Ciaran
I don't want to marry him.
346
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,680
- Well, I'll tell him.
- Really?
347
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,296
- Don't think your father should tell him.
- Why not?
348
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,296
Then I'll put the pushy
wee bastard through that wall.
349
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,040
There you are.
350
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,240
- Trick or treat!
- Oh, here. I'll sort them out.
351
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:30,800
So, Ciaran hasn't done anything wrong
352
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,296
and now your father is going to kill
the poor fella?
353
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,096
And to think you could have
prevented it, Gerry.
354
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,200
Unbelievable.
355
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,520
Oh, hello, there. Don't you look fab?
356
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,800
No ugly ducklings here, eh?
357
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:07,960
We're not swans.
358
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,400
Too many feathers.
I said go easy on the feathers.
359
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,400
Can I see your wee passes there?
360
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,120
Lovely stuff.
361
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,880
And you're the wee lad who got
the shite kicked out of him, right?
362
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,000
Yeah.
363
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,080
Fantastic.
364
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,320
Welcome to the VIP suite.
365
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,000
This is the best night of my life!
366
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,800
So, I'll be looking after you
this evening.
367
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,640
My name is Fintan,
but you can call me Fifi.
368
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,720
- Aye, that won't be happening.
- Amazing.
369
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:38,960
Excuse me, Finfin. The sweets,
the crisps, the drinks, you know, etc.
370
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:39,880
They're free?
371
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,200
- Absolutely.
- See you in a bit, lads.
372
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,560
So, just to let you know,
we told Norman your story.
373
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,640
Norman? Norman, Norman?
374
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:47,600
Fatboy Norman?
375
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,040
Ah, sorry, no, our security guard Norman.
376
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:50,960
Right.
377
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,960
Of course Fatboy Norman!
I couldn't help myself!
378
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,960
Jesus, sure, I'm terrible!
379
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,560
Aren't I terrible?
380
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:58,640
What did he say?
381
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,800
That he'd like to meet you.
382
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,200
Do not fuck with us, Fifi.
383
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,320
I'm serious.
384
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,056
He's got a few minutes
before he goes on stage.
385
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,040
Let me just go and grab him.
386
00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:10,760
When Norman gets out here,
387
00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:12,880
it is very important
that we don't be dicks.
388
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,640
- Got it.
- Wait a sec.
389
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,000
Isn't there supposed
to be, like, five of you?
390
00:17:18,599 --> 00:17:21,040
- Where's Clare gone?
- Oh, I'm gonna kill her.
391
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,359
Well, hello, Coco.
392
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,600
No!
393
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,400
Clare, what is going on?
394
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,776
She's lezzie hunting,
that's what's going on.
395
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,920
- I love lezzie hunting.
- There's hundreds of them!
396
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:51,800
That's good, isn't it?
397
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,840
Not hundreds of lesbians, James,
hundreds of clowns!
398
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,976
There's clowns to the left of me,
clowns to the right!
399
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,520
- It's like a clown shop!
- Or a circus.
400
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,160
It's not the time for semantics!
401
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,416
We need to go, Clare. Now. Come on.
402
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,240
- What about Laurie?
- Fuck Laurie.
403
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,080
We're going to meet the actual
Fatboy Slim!
404
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,240
Not without my lezzie!
405
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,800
I thought we should have a chat, because...
406
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,400
Sorry, Gerry. I find it hard
to concentrate with...
407
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,680
Yeah, of course.
408
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,080
Could you take that thing off,
please, Joe?
409
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:20,920
Joe.
410
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,480
So, I thought we should have
a bit of a chat.
411
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,280
Yeah, definitely.
We should get to know each other a bit.
412
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:30,600
All the lads.
413
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,080
- We'll be family soon enough, won't we?
- Nope.
414
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:38,160
The thing is, Ciaran,
we all know Sarah can be a bit...
415
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,200
- I don't want to say light in the pan...
- Too right, you don't.
416
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,480
...but she's different, isn't she, Ciaran?
417
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,520
She's different from other people.
418
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,040
From, you know, normal people.
419
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,200
She's the love of my life.
420
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,416
- Well, you're not the love of hers.
- OK, thank you, Joe.
421
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,280
What do you mean?
What does he mean, Gerry?
422
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,320
The thing is, Ciaran, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding,
423
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:58,880
about the engagement.
424
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,216
She's not calling it off, is she?
425
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,280
Well done, Columbo.
426
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,160
Why? Oh, Christ, she's met
someone else, hasn't she?
427
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,480
Not exactly.
428
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,720
Now, this is going to sound
a bit hard to believe,
429
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,960
but the fact is, Ciaran,
that when you gave her...
430
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,760
God, Ciaran, are you still here?
431
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:14,760
Sarah?
432
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,240
I'm awful sorry, Ciaran, are you OK?
433
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:18,640
Well, it's...
434
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,800
...it's a lot to take in.
435
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,720
Though I suppose you were always
spiritual in your own way.
436
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,760
You're not angry with me, Ciaran, are you?
437
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,960
No. How could I be?
438
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,760
- A calling's a calling.
- Happy days.
439
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,960
I'm... I'm going to...
440
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,360
I should go.
441
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,880
Goodbye, Sarah.
442
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,560
Goodbye, Ciaran, and God bless.
443
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,000
- He's looking well on it, isn't he?
- Stop.
444
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,040
- Ciaran away, is he?
- Good costumes, girls.
445
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,120
- They look like the real thing.
- They are.
446
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,176
Well, I still don't think they're
worth what we paid, Sarah.
447
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,800
Them Sisters of Mercy saw us coming.
448
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,280
Hello?
449
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,680
When?
450
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,496
How the hell
are we meant to find her?
451
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,720
You can't exactly walk up to someone
and ask if they're a lesbian.
452
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,840
Sorry, excuse me, are you a lesbian?
453
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:22,920
I stand corrected.
454
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,160
Three minutes until
Fatboy Slim is on this very stage, people.
455
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,320
Three minutes!
456
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,480
Come on, Clare!
457
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,280
I think I love her, guys!
458
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,240
Oh, wise up!
459
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,800
We'll never find her on time.
460
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,080
I say we just start whipping
people's masks off.
461
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:38,800
Can I just...
462
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,720
Sorry, my hand slipped.
463
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,800
Sorry. Sorry.
464
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,880
Can I see your face? No.
465
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,360
Sorry! Sorry!
466
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,080
One minute, people!
467
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,080
Excuse me? Excuse me?
468
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,560
Oh, could I just...
469
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,520
I don't understand. How did you...?
470
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,080
I tore up the tickets!
471
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,280
I glued them back together, motherfucker!
472
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,400
- Oh, I see.
- You are so fucking dead!
473
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,280
Argh!
474
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,280
Run for it, James!
475
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,120
Security!
476
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,520
Could someone help me, please?
477
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,080
What in under Whitney?
478
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,960
- There's nothing wrong with him!
- He's a nutter!
479
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,040
Lying wee shites!
480
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,880
No, not the clown, the swans!
481
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:39,960
Grab the swans!
482
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,360
We're not swans!
483
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,480
- Fuck you there!
- Fuck you!
484
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:45,080
Get off me!
485
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,080
You'll be hearing from our solicitors.
486
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,000
We're shitting ourselves.
487
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,760
Clare, what's going on?
488
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,000
Give us a second here, would you?
489
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,296
You're getting kicked out? What for?
490
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:58,880
- Fighting.
- Oh, my God.
491
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,240
That's a pity, cause I was sort of
planning on kissing you tonight.
492
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,680
Is that a joke?
493
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,320
- I mean, cause it's fine.
- If it is a joke.
494
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,400
I mean, it's hilarious,
495
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,960
but I just wanted to check
in case it isn't.
496
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:20,680
OK.
497
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,360
Does this mean we're going steady?
498
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,120
Let's maybe see how it goes.
499
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,600
All right, Juliet Juliet, let's go.
500
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,320
- Knock it on the head.
- Thank you. I mean, sure!
501
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,840
I mean, great! I mean...
502
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,880
- Bye, Clare.
- Great!
503
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,560
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing
504
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,760
Fatboy Slim!
505
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:41,720
♪ Right here ♪
506
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:42,720
♪ Right now ♪
507
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,360
♪ Right here, right now ♪
508
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,160
♪ Right here, right now ♪
509
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,960
♪ Right here, right now ♪
510
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,400
♪ Right here, right now ♪
511
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,040
Annoying wee bastards.
512
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,920
Did Laurie plant the lips on you
back there?
513
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,960
Yeah.
514
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,136
- We're going steady!
- Oh, my God, Clare, that's amazing!
515
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,720
- I know!
- Oh, my God!
516
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:12,760
Daddy?
517
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,920
What's going on? What are you doing here?
518
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,640
Daddy, what is it? What's wrong?
519
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:25,960
Clare, love...
520
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,360
Hum.
521
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,920
Your dad...
522
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,840
What does that mean?
523
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,600
I don't understand what that means.
524
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,160
An aneurysm?
525
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:44,960
I'm not sure.
526
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,280
It's not good.
527
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,760
But he'll be OK, won't he?
528
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,200
He'll be OK.
529
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:15,600
♪ We've come a long, long way together ♪
530
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:21,200
♪ Through the hard times and the good ♪
531
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:26,920
♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪
532
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,520
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪
533
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,600
♪ We've come a long, long way together ♪
534
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:45,520
♪ Through the hard times and the good ♪
535
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:51,280
♪ I have to celebrate you, baby ♪
536
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:56,720
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪
537
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:02,600
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪
538
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,240
♪ Like I should ♪
539
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,320
♪ Praise you like I should ♪
540
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,080
♪ Like I should ♪
541
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,440
♪ Praise you like I should ♪
542
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,280
♪ I have to praise you ♪
543
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,000
♪ Like I should ♪
544
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:34,240
♪ I have to praise you ♪
545
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:39,480
♪ Like I should ♪
546
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,440
♪ I have to praise you like I should ♪