All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S05E01.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV-eng(1)

Previously
on The Big Bang Theory...

My brother-- he's got
a big crush on Bernadette.

You're moving
back to India?

What's going on?

It's-It's not
what it looks like.

What does it look like?

It's not what it looks like.

It's not what it looks like.

What are you grinding about?

Penny's brain teaser
this morning.

She and Koothrappali

emerge from your bedroom.

She is disheveled, and Raj
is dressed only in a sheet.

The sole clue:
"It's not what it looks like."

Just let it go, Sheldon.

If I could, I would,
but I can't, so I shan't.

Now, knowing Penny,

the obvious answer is,
they engaged in coitus.

But...

since that's
what it looked like,

we can rule that out.

Let's put on

our thinking cap, shall we?

Raj is from India,
a tropical country.

Third World hygiene.

Parasitic infections are common,
such as pinworms.

Mm-hmm.
The procedure

for diagnosing pinworms
is to wait

until the subject is asleep,

and the worms crawl out
of the rectum for air.

Yes, just like that.

Penny could have been

inspecting Raj's anal region
for parasites.

Oh, boy.

That's a true blue friend.

They slept together, Sherlock.

No, you weren't listening.

She said
it's not what it looks like.

She lied.

Oh.

Don't I look silly
sitting here wearing this?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x01
The Skank Reflex Analysis
Original Air Date on September 22, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Leonard, is it awkward for you

knowing that one of your dear
friends had sexual intercourse

with a woman you used to love

in the very place
you lay your head?

No, I'm fine with it.

That sounds like sarcasm,

but I'm going to disregard it,

because I have an agenda--
paintball.

Specifically,
the interdepartmental

tournament this weekend.

In order to function better
as a fighting unit,

I thought we should establish
a chain of command.

Now, it goes
without saying

that I would outrank
the three of you,

but the question remains,
by how much?

Now,

I don't see me
as some four-star general,

back at HQ riding a desk

and playing golf
with the Secretary of Defense.

But I also can't be
Sergeant Cooper,

because that might lead you

to think of me
as just a regular Joe.

This might take some thought.
As you were.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Yeah, how could
you do that?

- What is it to you?
- I got his back.

Yeah, right. You're just jealous
because it turns out

I'm Penny's
number two choice after Leonard.

Hey, if I wasn't engaged
to Bernadette,

that totally could have been me.

Please. Sheldon would have been
before you,

and he might not even
have genitals!

Why do you care so much?

You're dating my sister,

and Penny and I are in love.

What?!

Gentlemen,
if I may interject,

I've decided my rank
will be captain.

If it's good enough for
Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo,

it's good enough for me.

You're not in love with Penny.

Yes, I am.

The god Kamadeva has shot us
with his flowery arrows of love.

Who?

He's the Hindu version of Cupid,

but way better,
because he rides a giant parrot.

Raj, come on. You fall in love
with any girl who smiles at you.

A month ago, you were writing
poems about his fiancée.

I'm sorry. What?!

Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.

"Oh, Bernadette,
please play my clarinet."

That could have been
about anyone.

Besides, you have nothing
to worry about,

because now I'm the dusky half
of Koothrapenny.

For the record,
I do have genitals.

They're functional
and aesthetically pleasing.

Well.

Oh. Coming.

Yup, that's good.

Wine glasses
should have handles.

Keeping accurate track
of your alcohol intake.

Smart idea considering
how trampy you get

when you've had a few.

You heard what I did?

Well, I heard who you did.

Oh, my God,

I screwed up everything.

I hurt Leonard.

I hurt Raj.

I mean, what is wrong with me?

I feel like
two totally different people--

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you know the story
of Catherine the Great?

No.

She ruled Russia

in the late 1700s,
and one night,

when she was feeling
particularly randy,

she used an intricate
system of pulleys

to have intimate
relations with a horse.

I'm... I'm sorry.

What does this have
to do with me?

She engaged in
interspecies hanky-panky,

and people still
call her "Great."

I'm sure your
reputation can survive

you shagging a
little Indian boy.

You jerk face!

What did you tell Howard?!

Did you say there was something
going on between us?

Because he thinks there is!

He's completely freaking out!

Please, come in.

- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Well...

You were always so nice to me,
I thought maybe you liked me.

I'm nice to everyone!

I'm sorry.

Damn right, you're sorry!

And you tell Howard there's
never been anything between us!

- I will. Hey, Bernadette?
- What?!

Do you think
I have a shot with Penny?

Of course you do.
You're a cutie pie!

Any girl would be lucky
to have you!

You know, I've
done this before.

In kindergarten,

I was supposed to marry
Jason Sorensen at recess,

but by the time
my class got out there,

he was already engaged
to Chelsea Himmelfarb.

So what did I do?

Hung upside down
from the monkey bars,

let all the boys see
my underpants.

You can't blame yourself.

When your prefrontal cortex
fails to make you happy,

promiscuity rewards you with
the needed flood of dopamine.

We neurobiologists refer
to this as the "skank reflex."

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

Where are we going?

Somewhere where no
one's seen me naked.

We may have to
drive awhile.

Subtlety isn't
her strong suit, is it?

Can I stay at your
place for a few nights?

Really?

A best friend sleepover? Yay.

Yeah, sure. Yay!

We'll make popcorn,
stay up all night

and I'll teach you
my secret language, Op.

- Sounds great.
- Nope.

Sounds "Gop Rop E A Top."

- Yeah, I'm gonna go pack a bag.
- No, you're not.

You're gonna
"Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop."

Do we really have
to wear this camouflage crap

to play paintball?

Who said that?

Leonard, I can
hear your voice,

but I can't see you.

I'm not in the mood, Sheldon.

Oh, there you are!

Leonard,

I know you're upset
about recent events, and

I have someone
here to help.

I don't want
to talk to Amy.

No, it's not Amy.

Hello, dear.

You called my mother?

Oh, Leonard,

is it really necessary
to caption the obvious?

He's been like that
since he was a toddler.

"Look, Mommy-- a butterfly."

Maddening.

What's going on?
What do you want?

Sheldon informed me

that you're experiencing
an emotional upheaval,

and I'm here to help.

That's so nice.

And we're back to the obvious.

Now, what's up?

Well, uh... okay.

Um...

I don't want to get
back together with Penny.

We tried it, it was crazy,
it didn't work,

but I can't deal with the fact

that she slept
with my friend Raj.

And then I find out
that Raj's sister Priya,

who I've been going out with
for eight months,

is moving back to India.

So I'm just completely confused
and alone.

I understand.

Got any advice?

Yes. Buck up.

Excuse me.

You're a world-renowned expert

in parenting
and child development,

and all you've got is "Buck up"?

Sorry.

Buck up, sissy pants.

Thanks, Mother.
I feel much better.

If you need any more help
from me,

my books are available
on Amazon.

Logging off.

...ninety-nine,
one hundred.

It's like a waterfall
of liquid gold.

My turn.

You know,
I don't even know what the point

of me staying in L.A. is.

I haven't gotten a single acting
job since I moved out here.

The closest I came
was last month,

I got a callback
for a hemorrhoid commercial.

Oh, I could so see you being
the face of hemorrhoids.

I know, right?

Maybe I should just
move back to Nebraska.

No, I can't let
you do that.

Why not?

For the first
time ever,

I have a thriving
social life.

And no pressure,

but it kind of
lives and dies with you.

Hi, Amy.

Can I talk to Penny?

A guest in my trundle bed
and a boy at my door?

I wish I could tell 13-year-old
me "it does get better."

How did you know I was here?

It's all over her
Facebook page.

I'll take your stuff
to the bedroom

and clear out a drawer.
Thanks.

No problem. Try and keep it
in your pants, okay?

So, hi.

What's up?

I was wondering if
you're free Friday.

They're having a Totally
'80s Night at the Greek.

Hall & Oates,
Katrina and the Waves

and three-fifths of Kajagoogoo.

Oh.

Gee, that's really sweet,
but the thing is...

Aw, there's a thing.

Look, honey, I was really drunk

and made a huge mistake
last night.

We should've never
slept together.

It's what ruins friendships.

You can't ruin a friendship
with sex.

That's like trying to ruin ice
cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Come here.

Just listen to me.

I want to go back
to the way we were before.

You know, friends.

No sprinkles.

Oh.

All right.

Thank you.

Well, uh...

as your friend, you might
like to know that, um...

we didn't have sex in
the conventional sense.

Oh, God.

Did you pull some weird
Indian crap on me?

No, no.

After we got undressed
and jumped in bed,

you-you asked if
I had protection.

Oh, you did, didn't you?

Of course. I'm
always packing.

Anyway,

um, I had trouble
putting it on

and you tried
to help and...

that was all
she wrote.

So, we didn't actually...

I did.

It was beautiful.

Oh!

Penny, please,
please promise me

you won't tell
anybody about this.

Of course I won't.
No, I won't.

Oh, good.

Um, can I tell
people that our love

burned too bright
and too quickly?

Kind of a "Candle
in the Wind" deal?

Sure.

Cool. Can I say
it fell apart

because you were all, "I
want to have your babies""

and I was like, "I'm too rock
and roll to be tied down"?

No.

Can I say I ruined
you for white men?

Also no.

Okay, just the
candle thing.

Yeah.

Cool.

All right... friend.

Hmm.

I'll see you around.

Okay.

Raj, wait.

Thank you for being my friend.

Penny?

Mm-hmm?

It's getting
beautiful again.

All right, this is
a Google Earth view

of the field
of battle.

I don't see anything.

Give it a
second to load.

Whenever you're
ready, AT&T!

Okay, here we go.

This is us here.
To the south is Professor Loomis

and the Geology Department.

According to their Twitter feed,
they're out of sunblock,

which means they'll have to hug
the tree line or risk melanoma.

That's our edge.

All we have to do is move
quickly over this ridge,

the rock-worshipping
pasty-faced bastards

won't know what hit them!

All right, let's move out.

Hang on, Sheldon.

How could you not tell me your
sister was moving back to India?

Maybe he was too busy
writing clumsy penis metaphors

about my fiancée.

Screw you.

That was a beautifully written
penis metaphor.

You know what, guys, I'm not
in the mood for paintball.

What do you say
we just bag it?

- Fine with me.
- Sure, whatever.

You can't quit.

That's a court-
martial offense.

That's punishable by...

You can't quit.

Sorry, Sheldon, it's just not
a good time for playing games.

This is a game to you?

Uh, was the Battle of Antietam
a game?

Huh? Was the sack
of Rome a game?

Yes, no and no.

Wait.

I just want you all to know
that I forgive you.

This mutiny
isn't your fault,

it's mine.

I haven't earned these bars.

Although what I lack
in leadership,

apparently I more than
make up for in sewing.

Let it go, Sheldon.

I'll get you a Jamba Juice
on the way home.

No.

Jamba Juice is for heroes.

And that's what
we're going to be.

What are you doing?

Following in the footsteps
of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo.

Geology isn't a real science!

Damn those sons
of bitches!

Let's get 'em!

Eat paint!

If there's ever
a Church of Sheldon,

this will be when it started.

Ow!

I'd like to
propose a toast

to the man whose noble
sacrifice inspired our victory,

Captain Sheldon Cooper.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

Excuse me.
It's Major Sheldon Cooper.

With my last breath,

I awarded myself
a battlefield promotion.

It's kind of a big deal.

Hi. You guys have a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Okay.

Um...

Well, I already talked to Raj,
but I wanted to apologize

to the rest of you for,

you know, everything.

Please, Penny, let me.

We've decided to let our crazy,
wonderful night together

be just one of those
memories you have

and can call to mind
when you're feeling blue

or you're in the shower.

Hey, what you doing,
Quick Draw?

Sorry. Go on.

Anyways, I wanted you guys all
to know that I've been taking

a really hard look at things
and come to the conclusion

I have to stop kidding myself.

I suck at acting.

It's time for me
to move back to Nebraska.

You're leaving?

Yeah.

What are you
going to do in Nebraska?

I don't know,
maybe teach acting.

Oh, sorry. Hold on.

Hello?

Penny, listen, I hope you're not
doing this 'cause of you and me,

because I have a girlfriend,
and you're a single woman...

Shh! It's my agent,
it's my agent.

You're kidding.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe it!
Really?!

Oh, I'm so excited!

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Okay, bye.

I got the hemorrhoid commercial!

I start Monday!

What about Nebraska?

Oh, hell with Nebraska.

I'm gonna be a star!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Have you ever thought
of teaching physics?

Ready to ride?

I don't think
so, Mom.

Not today.

Oh, sweetie.

Hemorrhoids acting up again?

You don't know the half of it.

Oh, yes, I do.

Try a dab of this.

"Rose-scented
Preparation-H for women?"

Now, the "H" is for "her."

I'm proud of you.

Shh!

Here comes
my joke.

How you doing?

Sittin' pretty.