Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪♪

- [imitating glass shattering]

We've been spotted!

[imitating machine gun firing]

[groaning]

The prisoner should be right over this wall.

I'm gonna go ahead and make a grand entrance.

[grunting]

I'm Lieutenant Blazer from the U.S. Special Forces.

I'm here to rescue you.

[grunts]

This is completely against military protocol...

- Girls shouldn't be allowed to play if they're gonna cry.

- Hey, guys.

This is Sigourney Beaver.

She is not a sex doll. She's a Real Doll.

I'm told she was on set of Alien: Resurrection.

I have a certificate, so... not a sex doll.

- All I'm saying is that

you don't charge the mound on a girl.

What if you popped one of her things?

- There's no crying in softball.

- She's not a sex doll.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- I love that hat.

- Why, thank you.

They gave it to me

'cause I'm the top sales gun of the month.

It's like an honor that they bestow

upon just one guy a month.

- I thought you bought that at 7-Eleven.

- Yeah, well, I kind of did with all the earnings

that I'm making as top gun, so think before you speak.

- [coughing]

- Eww. - Ugh.

- Okay.

Good morning, everyone.

You're probably w- [coughing]

Okay, you're probably wondering why Jillian

looks like an overgrown rug rat.

- How's it going?

- Well, my college gal pal Rachael

is actually product manager

for one of our favorite clients, Fuzzy Onesies.

[coughing]

And I thought it would be a real treat

to send her a staff photo

of all of you guys wearing her adult pajamas.

- [whistling] - Oh, you go, girl!

- Okay, so everyone has a pair of pajamas at their desks,

so we'll just fit this in at lunch.

- Okay. - What?

- Lunch? - Lunch.

- No.

- But that's when I read magazines.

When am I gonna have time to read magazines?

- Come on. - God, okay, you know what?

We are doing this...

[coughing]

because it's cute...

[coughing]

it's fun...

[coughing]

and if you don't-

[coughs] Oh, God.

[gagging]

- Ooh.

- I'm just gonna have to swallow that.

Okay, you know what? I'm done.

I can't take it. I'm going home.

If any of you have any questions or concerns,

Jillian is gonna be my eyes and my ears

for the rest of the day.

So just let her know, and she'll give me a call.

Don't you fucking dare call me.

- All right.

- Wait, you're leaving her in charge, not me?

- Okay, Anders, just please worry about yourself, please.

- Don't worry about anything.

Go home and you RICE, all right?

That stands for rest, ice, coffee, explosion.

- Shut up, Jillian. - All right.

- Alice, feel better.

Take it sleazy.

- [coughs]

- That's a thing I'm saying now.

Take it sleazy. - I like it, yeah.

- As your newly appointed leader,

my first order- wait, guys, don't leave yet.

No, wait, we haven't figured out the pajama thing.

Waymond, you stay right there.

Get in that-

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- That's a hat.

- Oh, hey, guys, do you mind getting back to your desks

and making it a successful workday?

- Ooh!

- One more toss, and then that's it.

Okay, maybe not a beer, maybe paperwork.

Hey, jet-s- oh.

Uh, so I was thinking

maybe we should do the group photo soon.

- Suck my dick.

Be gone.

- Okay.

Hey, Blake, be honest.

What is it about me that no one respects?

Is it my hair?

Yeah.

I'm thinking about getting a new haircut,

changing stuff up,

maybe getting like an... Arnie Schwarzenegger,

Jingle All the Way type of haircut?

You know, short, tall, and stiff.

Kind of like how I like my men. [laughs]

- [coughs]

Oh.

Oh, I literally almost puked.

- That's right. Work parties.

- Kind of makes you wish Alice was sick forever.

- Or that Jillian was in charge as well also.

- Jillian's not in charge.

- If anybody should be in charge,

it should be the top gun over here.

- I mean, why would she send me to that leadership conference

to see Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger speak?

- Yeah, well, she didn't send you.

- Right, but I went anyway. I showed initiative.

- I can't believe you are such a dick hole

and didn't invite me to see Rudy.

He's my hero.

The way he carried Frodo up that mountain.

- No, I didn't see Sean Astin, the actor.

I saw Rudy, like, the real Rudy.

He dead-lifted 350 right in front of us.

- Oh.

I'm here.

- Getting that perp. Got that perp on.

- Guys. - What's up, fellas?

- You smelt those burgers, huh? - Yep.

- I got a couple toppings for the burgers,

raided some lunches.

Dude, check this out.

Waymond only eats gummy worms. - All right.

- Anyways, I thought maybe

you could throw a couple on my burger,

do it Ninja Turtle style.

- Let's do it. - You're the best.

- Let's do it. - Thanks.

[glass thuds]

- Oh! - Jeez.

- Babe, we can't hear you, babe. - We can't hear you.

- We can't hear you, though. - What?

- We can't hear you.

- I couldn't hear you guys either.

But what was I saying was,

I thought I could count on you boys,

but nope, you have to go fool me

with the sex dummy in the swivel chair routine.

- It takes a dummy to fool a dummy, dummy!

- Well, at least I'm not pumping a plastic bitch, you pervs.

- Gross! - Okay, she's not a bitch.

She's a Real Doll. She's a real friend to me.

- I'm sorry; I didn't know she was your friend.

- Blake, I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.

It's breeding ground for bacteria.

- Is it?

- Get off my back about it, Ders.

I washed her.

- You did-like when-

how many days did you- ago did wash it?

- Yeah, no, I just threw her in the dishwasher,

put it on, like, the heavy pot scrubbing mode.

- Okay. That's disgusting.

I'm, like, itching already just thinking about it.

- She's not a sex doll because none of us

are having sex with it.

- Sex is a pretty relative term.

Like, what is sex, you know?

- Guys, can you please set a good example

and go back to work, please?

I hate telling people what to do.

It makes me anxious, and I get all sweaty,

and then I get all body-conscious.

How bad is it? How bad is it?

Scale of one to soaked. - Not good.

- Guys, no. Not in the office.

It's not classy. Hey!

Get back-okay.

Who did that?

Hillbillies.

[computer beeps]

Well, well, well.

All right.

Listen up, you minimum-wage lowlifes!

Gather round to see the freak show.

So Alice got an email from Corporate

that says that she's supposed to fire four people this week

due to their recent performance.

- What? - That's right.

Four of you are getting the chop.

So if you wanna keep your jobs,

you might wanna go get on those pajamas.

- First of all, you can't just be firing people, Jillian.

You ain't even the boss. - Uh-oh.

- Are you out your mind? Where you going?

Where you going, Jillian?

Jillian, don't be closing the door in my face, woman!

- Shoot, shoot, shoot. Oh, God.

Oh, what have I done?

[hip-hop music]

- Come on. - Oh, stop it!

- It's fine. I got everything under control.

- Really? Everything's under control?

Jet-set's up here shoving thumbs up butts.

- Jet-set, stop it!

- Let these Papa Smurfs in.

We'll put some red pants on this situation.

- Well, when you put it like that...

- Come on.

- Ow. Who did that?

- Help. No.

- Ow. - It's us.

- Careful.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Stop, you monster. - Hey!

- Okay, that was just violent for no reason.

That was full penetration. I feel...violated.

- I don't know what happened, really.

I just-I wanted them to respect me,

and then they went crazy.

And to make matters worse, I can't find my Uncrustables,

and my butthole is sweating like it's getting paid to.

- Oh! - Khaki.

All right. Here's the deal.

- We need to go calm the herd ASAP, right?

How are we gonna do that?

We're gonna go tell the people that are fired

that they're fired.

- Donald Trump these fools. You're terminated!

- Once they hear that news, everybody will relax,

they'll go back to work, we'll be good to glow.

- People are gonna hate me if I fire them.

- It's not that hard.

I mean, give me the list,

and I'll Schindler those fools right now.

- Nah, I don't think you want to say that, actually.

- That's so inappropriate.

- I never saw the movie.

- It's a tearjerker.

Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson.

They have a whole list

that they need to Schindler before they die.

- That's Bucket List.

- Okay, guys, Corporate

hasn't even sent me the names yet.

And besides that, I've been fired

from a lot of jobs before...

- All right. You know what?

This is why I should've been left in charge

'cause all the stuff out there wouldn't be happening right now,

'cause I'm a born leader, all right?

I'd be out there commanding people,

they'd be listening to me,

and they'd be doing everything I want them to do.

- What's the problem with your face?

- It's the onesie. It's giving me hives.

It's like a synthetic wool or something.

- Jillian, I think this is gonna be good for you.

Yeah, we might have a major breakthrough.

Damn! You are just, like, really sweating.

You're armpits are unreal.

- Are they-they got worse? They might be.

- How about we get her some fresh air?

- All right, we just got to figure out

how to get past these psychos.

- All right, let's go. Let's go.

- [grunting]

- Oh, y'all in here fucking that thing.

Get back! Let's just go.

- Don't wanna have sex you.

- Yes, you do 'ause you nasty.

- Okay, sweetie, I want you to just smile.

All right, be calm, and just say it.

- [whispers] Be a cold-blooded robot, Jillian.

No fear.

- I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're f...

- Say it!

- I can't. Her face is too sad.

- She's too- it's a Real Doll.

- It's Blake's friend.

- Do you realize that the United States

is on life support right now?

- Watch your mouth, bro.

- My dad says that international economic competition

is heating up because the United States

is getting too fat and too lazy.

My dad says we think we deserve jobs.

My dad says we don't.

- Does your dad ever fire people?

- My dad has fired over 200 people

this fiscal year alone.

You want to know why?

Because he's trying to save this country.

- Are you crying right now? - No, I'm not crying.

- Are you all right? - It's the onesie.

It's burning my eyes. Stop!

- Wanna hug?

- I'm going to flush my eyes out.

- Deal with this.

- Okay. I got an idea.

What if we do, like, a little scrimmage?

Adam, you be the firee...

- That doesn't make much sense, kinda the top gun.

- And I will be the firer, okay.

And no matter what this guy says or throws my way, you know,

I'll just power through, and I'll fire the guy, okay?

It's real easy. Are you ready?

- I'm ready. - Okay, let's get to it.

Adam, I'm sorry to say this, but we got to let you go, bud.

- [as Al Pacino] You're firing me?

I work here for 60 years building this company

from the ground up, and you firing me?

- Sorry, dude.

- I ain't going out like no bitch,

ya bitch.

- Anders, you heard anything?

I can't lose my job. You understand?

I ain't going back to substitute teaching.

- Montez, my eyes are burning right now.

Come on.

- Them kids got no shame, no decency.

Thanks for this apron, man.

- You got a.44 magnum pointed at your head.

What the fuck are you doing?

You fire me, I'll kill you and everybody in here.

- Oh, do what he says, Blake.

- You really think I'm that stupid?

- What are you talking about?

- [spits]

Check the gun, hotshot.

- Very clever.

Very clever.

You take the bullets out of my gun.

- Yeah.

- But let's see if you can take the bullets

out of this...

butterfly knife.

- Jillian, go ahead and give this guy a cigarette,

'cause I'm about to light him up.

- What are those, sunglasses?

- Yeah, sunglasses. - Cool.

- For my flamethrower.

- No, no.

- You're fired. - No!

- You're so fired.

- [screaming]

- [screaming]

- [screaming and gagging]

- And he's fired.

- And I'm fired. - And he's fired.

- That was very informative. - Thank you.

- And a wonderful performance.

Oh, the names came in.

- Oh, here we go, baby.

Who's gettin' chopped?

Jillian-style.

- Okay. Clint.

- Mm-hmm, yes. - Yeah.

- Garth. - That makes sense.

- Lois.

- Oh, the big stink.

- Ooh.

- And...Adam.

- Hmm? - Who?

- Demamp. Oh.

- I'm-I'm confused.

- Wait, I'm fired?

- No.

- Good.

- You're going to be fired.

- Fuck.

- ♪ You gotta ♪ - ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Fuck!

Me!

- It's for real.

- Jillian, how many times have I saved your life, hmm?

- I don't know...six?

- Never!

And I never will now

because I thought we were work friends,

and then you fire me.

And then you fire me like a cold-blooded robot.

You're like, "Yeah, you're fired!"

- I was just doing what you told me to do.

- Since when have you listened to me?

I just talk.

I just talk to hear myself think.

Nobody actually listens to me.

Hey, you know, I'm just here talking and-

Why the fuck are there no Reese's pieces?

- Okay, Adam... - Suck Reese's pieces!

- Hey, you are stress-eating. Give me the chips.

Plain potato chips, really?

You can have one more.

Now were closing this.

Unreal.

Come on.

I'm sure this is all just a big mistake.

Let's just relax.

Let's calm our jets.

- My jets are calm.

Besides, Alice is the only one that can fire me.

So I'm not going anywhere

until I hear it come from her sweet, pursed lips.

- Okay.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

- I'm wearing a Top Gun hat, for God sakes.

If I get fired today, I'm gonna look like an idiot.

And this hat's badass.

- It is. I love it.

- They should fire some other dummy.

- Oh. - Wait.

Did you just...

- I have to go to rest room.

- I have an idea.

- Oh.

- Uh...oh, yes.

Great.

Oh, I got it.

- [coughing]

- Who's there? Hello?

Is someone there? Listen, I'm armed.

And I've got AIDS, so it's not worth it.

- What?

Okay, what the hell is going on here?

- Oh, Alice.

Hey, listen, these-these onesies,

they're making me break out.

I can't really see anything.

I got to go to the hospital.

- See, I just got a call from Montez,

says that Jillian is going around firing people.

- Well, yeah. She is.

And you know what?

Rudy says, "When you leave the third-string kicker

in the quarterback's position, someone's gonna get sacked."

- Okay, just shut up and follow me.

I want to know what's going on.

- Okay, just-will you take my hand, actually?

- Hey, Alice, hold up.

- What?

- One thing right quick.

What's up?

- Adam, get down from there right now.

- I don't have to listen to anything you have to say

for the rest of my life,

which is about to end because you fired me, Alice.

So hear me, world, 'cause these are my last words.

If you take anything

from Adam "The Top Gun" Demamp's life,

take this.

Take it sleazy.

And I'm out.

Write that down.

"Take it sleazy, and I'm out" are my last words.

And I'm killing myself.

- What the hell does any of that even mean?

- Take it sleazy!

thunk!

- Oh, no!

Oh, Adam! Oh, no!

Why would he- this is your fault!

You should've put me in charge.

- Hey.

It's a dummy, you blind idiot.

- Wait, what?

both: What you have seen here was not real.

This was a demonstration of what strange turns life can take

when the powers-that-be...

- Make dumb decisions... - Make stupid decis-

Dumb decision?

- Stupid decisions. - Stupid decisions.

both: So put your fears aside, for Adam is alive.

- Hey.

- I just-I just wanted them to listen to me,

so I told them about the terminations.

- I get those emails all the time from Corporate

when they're trying to trim the fat,

and everyone has been on that list, even you.

But you know what? I never follow through with it.

Do you want to know why?

- Yeah, I want to know why.

- Because emails don't run this office.

I do.

- You're the best in the biz, and I love ya.

- But going through your boss' shit...

ya don't do that.

That's kind of a law that exists here on Earth with us humans.

So I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to clean out your desk.

- What?

I'm fired because of some stupid Earth law?

thunk! Ohh!

♪ Superman ♪

- This just isn't right, you know.

- Jillian can't be fired.

That's, like, egregious or something.

That's an American word, right?

Egregious.

- I don't know, actually. That's-

- I just think it might be German, egregious.

- [sighs] It's like we're losing one of the team here, man.

- I know; she's like our Air Bud: Golden Receiver.

- I was thinking more of our Rudy.

- Hey, Alice.

- [coughs]

- I guess this is it.

I got all my stuff, so...

- Okay, well, I'm sorry it had to end this way.

No. No.

Okay, look, she is fired, okay?

There is nothing you can say or do about it.

Please don't do any more stuff.

- Alice, we know Jillian suffers from a ton of quirks,

but this is the U.S.A.

"Characters welcome" is our country's motto.

- Yes, she's a horrible leader. - Yeah.

- She's the worst we've all ever seen.

- Horrible.

- You should've left me in charge.

That said,

she means a whole heck of a lot to this company.

- So if you fire her, you fire us.

- Okay, you know what, Anders?

You're supposed to be the responsible one here.

Okay, why don't you act like it?

- I believe that I am.

[poignant music]

♪♪

- I believe that I am.

♪♪

- Let's go, come on. - Come on, let's go.

- Hey, great. Good game, good game.

Stayin' out of drugs.

Hey, thank you.

- Unbelievable.

You're gonna eat this later.

♪♪

- Thank you.

- Doing big things.

- That's awesome. That's great.

- Thank you. Thanks.

- Fine. you know what?

If you want her, you can have her.

All right, I don't have time to train a new person anyway.

- Yes! Yes!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yes!

Fuck, yeah!

Heck, yeah.

- Just get the hell out of my office now.

- All right.

- Hey, why don't we-

why don't we go take that group photo now?

- All right.

- Okay. - Let's do it.

- You said we were turning in the onesies

'cause the photo was cancelled.

You lied to us.

- Shh! Bill, shut up.

Stop.

- Hey, Alice,

I promise next time, I'm your gal.

You can count on me.

- Your armpits are a disaster.

Go switch tops, and then get me a cup of coffee

and a neti pot.

- I'm not some coffee wench.

I'm a businesswoman.

A force to be reckoned with.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

- Is Sigourney done with her bath?

She's got a big picture to take.

[sniffs] Oh, man, she's smells so good.

- Oh, my God.

It smells terrible, Blake.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.