Original subtitles

- Come on!

Yeah! That's what happens, man.

[grunts] How old are you?

Wha-that's weird,

'cause that's really young to be a bitch!

I see you.

[grunts, yells repeatedly]

Boom! No! [sobs]

If this was jail, I would fuck you in the shower!

- Blake, let's go.

We're leaving for the office now.

- Have you been playing Playstation all night?

- Yeah, man. Warriors don't sleep.

I'll be just a minute, man. It's almost over.

- I'm not giving you a minute. The 'Vo's a s'go!

- Argh, the 'Vo's a s'go, though, don't you know.

- I think Blake seriously has a problem with that thing.

- Maybe. - Hold up!

- Oh, here we go. - What's up?

- You want a ride to work,

you gotta jump in, warrior.

- Aw, come on, guys, stop the car.

- I missed Jamie Foxx on Charlie Rose

because of you and that Playstation, bub.

- I DVR'd it!

- One...

two... - [growls]

Oh! - Whoa!

- Oh.

- Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

Excuse me. - You got choco tacos?

- I'm lookin' for a chipwich.

- Hey, guys!

Get me a bomb pop.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- That game is, like, taking over your life, man.

- Yeah, when's the last time you took a shower?

- I'll take a shower when I make the top 50.

- Top 50 of what?

- The top 50 players on the leader board

get to take a trip to Vegas

to be in this big kumite tournament.

Uh, that's like Bloodsport.

There's a rumor that

Jean-Claude Van Damme's gonna be there.

- That sounds awesome. So what are you ranked?

- 7,769. - Oh, so he's right there.

- Yeah. I am.

I just need to train a little,

and then I might get to meet Jean-Claude

and get his "Claude-o-graph."

- All right. - That's cool.

- I got Wesley Snipes' Claude-o-graph

at a Menards when I was a kid.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- My mom kissed Evander Holyfield

at a house party before I was born.

- See me fade away! - Oh!

[all shouting] Oh, that almost went in!

- Hey, Jillian, sweetheart. Have you been crying?

I mean, like, more than, like, your normal amount?

- A little bit, yeah.

Alice is in an especially shouty mood today.

Her divorce papers came through,

and she's just been acting like a real trick.

- Divorce papers? Cool.

- I'm not afraid of her.

I will head-butt that cross-eyed bitch.

- Jillian, get back to your desk.

- Totally.

- Holmvik, do you have

that website proposal for me, or what?

- Yes, yeah, yeah, I got it right here.

- Ahem.

'Sup, Alice?

- I hate your voice.

- Um, it's not coming on for some reason.

- Really? So that's a no.

Look, I'm gonna need that ASAP,

or I'm going with a pro.

- Um, let me take it to a place over the weekend.

They can take a look at it. I'll have it for you Monday.

I mean, I did the whole thing for free, so-

- [mocking] Oh, I did the whole thing for free.

Just get it done. Also, some sales would be nice.

- [under breath] Workin' on it.

- Wow, Ders.

She doesn't need another man in her life disappointing her.

What are you gonna do next, kick her down some stairs,

pour some gasoline on her, light a match,

maybe piss on her to put the flames out?

Also, some sales would be nice, guys.

Hey.

- What do you want?

- I just want to let you know that you're not alone.

We're here for you.

I'm here for you.

- Have you made any sales today?

- Ooh, you are angry. I like that.

If I got divorced, I'd probably be pretty angry too.

First I'd have to get married, but then...

- Oh. - If I did divorce-

you need...

to get back on the man-horse, right?

'Cause I think I know a certain horse-man

that might want to take you out for a trot.

- Are you seriously hitting on me right now?

- [horse whinny] Nay.

No, I'm not.

That was my horse impression saying no.

I just want to know, what kind of dudes are you into?

- These.

I want a hot-as-balls male model.

- Are you online dating?

- I need to hire a model

for the company website, you dummy.

- Is that right?

'Sup?

- Kind of backpack is just-

- Right. - Hey, bud.

Tell us more. What's going on?

- Apparently, she's looking for a male model

for the new website,

so I just have to become a professional male model.

- Sounds easy enough.

- She's gonna be lookin' at me in a different light,

probably because we're gonna be

scissoring each other's bungholes.

- Ah. - [growls]

- But, like, what's your planly, Stanley?

This can't just fall into your huge lap.

- I'm gonna find one of those model searches, win that,

get an agent, go big time, probably-

Oh, here's one.

Who is ready to go to a mall 237 miles away?

- Mmm, not us.

- Well, they've got a Wetzel's Pretzels,

and I'm buyin'.

- You can smell the obesity. It's amazing.

- Oh, my God. I love these pretzels.

They make me wet-zels.

- They make-a me wet-zels.

- [laughs]

- Ooh, welcome to whale tail country, gentlemen.

Uh-oh! Tail spotting.

- Uh-oh. - Starboard side, four o'clock.

- Very nice. - And it's real.

- Oh, wait. Wait up.

- Ow. - What up?

- Man, is this garlic gettin' to you?

Can I get some of that gum?

- No, I need every stick.

Defines my jaw line. I need it for the comp.

It's a Men's Fitness fact. August '02.

Vin Diesel, XXX spread? It's in my bathroom.

I'll let you read it. - All right.

- That guy knows how to get svelte, real house.

- I'm with you. - Hey, you know what?

Don't even listen to Ders.

I have a feeling today is gonna be

a very tight butthole for you, my friend.

- Ooh, thanks, Blazer. - Mm-hmm.

- At least one of my friends

cares about my hopes and dreams.

- I'm not, like, putting you down.

I'm looking out for you.

This is a joke job. Babies do it.

- Yeah, sexy babies with incredible discipline.

- All right, whatever, man.

I'm gonna go up to Genius Bar,

see if they can fix my laptop.

Okay? See you guys later.

- All right, man.

I'm gonna hit that sports store,

get my fitness on.

- No, Blake. I need you here.

Help me with my looks, man.

I don't know what I'm doing.

- Just keep being yourself.

Stud muffin. [chuckles]

- That's horrible advice.

Most people don't like me, actually.

- Hey, how are you? - Oh, hey.

How's it going?

- Not good.

Listen, I can't get my laptop on.

Got a couple files on here I really need.

Help me out, please.

- Great. Uh, no problem.

Is your battery charged?

- Is the bat-yeah, the battery's charged.

I'm not-

That's why they call you a genius, okay.

- Okay.

Yeah, looks like you downloaded

a pretty serious virus.

Do you frequent any low-security websites?

- Oh.

Okay, well, then yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I'm on Blacks on Blacks

and Blacks on Blondes, Buff Blacks-

- Okay.

Um, yeah.

It looks like you got a pretty serious bug

from a website called Whaletails dot-

- No, no, no. That's impossible.

I'm a full-seats boy shorts kind of guy.

You know.

- I don't.

Oh, okay. Uh, here's the bigger problem.

- Okay.

- Underneath your keyboard here-

- Mechanical thing, okay.

- You've got quite a bit of dry semen.

- [groaning]

Sorry.

Huh!

Oh, ho, ho.

Mama likes.

[groaning] Gonna...squeeze it...

- Hey, not bad, not bad.

How can I help you?

- Uh, well, I don't know.

I'm just trying to get into fighting shape,

trying to get a Claude-o-graph,

so maybe pump some iron,

if you got any steroids

that won't shrink my goods.

- Well, you got raw power.

Solid technique.

The thing to work on with amateurs

is usually the mental part of the game.

- Okay, wow.

Looks like I'm talking to an experienced warrior here.

- I used to box in the army.

Listen, you need to visualize, kid.

See your hand going right through the opponent.

- Yeah, sure. Right through the opponent.

Uh-huh.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, kid.

You got to see it first.

- I see it. It's like an albino Mike Tyson.

- Uh-uh, no, no, no. Not with this.

[whispering] You gotta see it with this.

- All right.

- Whoa! What happened?

You know, I can't see so good.

- And this is more my high-fashion look.

Like Project Runway. Do you guys watch that?

It's so good this season.

- Nice.

- Yeah, obviously, it's nice.

It's gorgeous.

Look at all those bedazzles.

Blinding.

I'm not sure if I should go with this...

or the Marky Mark pants-off rock-a-jock halftime look.

Remember that classic?

From MTV? You guys don't remember?

- Who's Marky Mark?

Get outta town.

It's Mark Wahlberg's brother.

Everybody knows that.

- Well, whoever he is,

I wouldn't dress like him.

- You don't need to be rude, all right?

See, Marky Mark's look-

very tight butthole.

But your look

is the loosest butthole I've ever seen.

You come here in pink.

- What did you say?

- He's talking about buttholes.

- No, I-I- - Pervert.

Come with me, Amy.

- You're using butthole out of context.

You're talking about buttholes, making everyone feel weird.

Just a-just a man trying to win a contest.

- All right.

Can I get by?

Not gonna let me by?

'Scuse me. God, you just-

Okay, this is how you live your life.

Look.

You guys act like there's not other people

on this escalator at the same time as-

- [grunting repeatedly]

- Ahhh, that's it!

Right through it.

Take it from me.

Even a blind man can land a punch

if he can see it in his mind's eye first.

- So you can't see at all?

- Ah, I can see a little.

Caught a piece of shrapnel in the war.

Lost most of my vision.

- Wha-pizza shrapnel?

- Big piece of shrapnel.

- I didn't even know that could happen.

- You know what, son?

I think you're ready for combat.

- Think so? - Yeah.

- Thank you, sensei.

- Yeah.

- Uh-oh, I'm bowing.

- Oh, okay.

Uh, listen, lady.

Are you gonna buy anything?

- Oh, dude, come on. You're a grown man.

You can't say things like that.

- This is ridiculous, okay?

I'm not saying that she has a loose butthole.

I'm saying that she is loose butthole.

You're being so loose of a butthole.

Is English not your first language?

- Hi, dick.

How often are you jacking off on my laptop?

- Okay, Ders, I'm in the middle

of a business meeting with my agent.

And a lot of times. Sorry.

- Damn it, just give me a shirt

out of your bag.

- Come on, you're ruining this.

- ♪ Are you ready for this ♪

♪ Are you ready for this ♪

♪ Are you ready for this ♪

♪ Are you ready for this, are you ready for this ♪

- Here you go. - Thank you.

- As I was saying,

Butthole, when used properly in a sentence-

- Who the fuck are you?

- Me? - Yes.

- I'm no one, okay? I'm not part of this sadness.

Adam, we're leaving.

- We haven't even had a chance to change the world yet.

I'm Kyle Walsh.

I handle talent.

- Hi. - Hey, Ders.

Why don't you go wait in the car, bud?

- Let me preface this by saying

I'm not a homosexual.

Personally, I think they're ruining this industry.

That being said,

you are the sexiest piece of ass

I've seen in months, my friend.

Oh, yes. Do you model?

- In fact, I model. A lot.

And my black friend online calls me the white Tyrese,

as in Beckford, as in B-as in-

- Gibson. - As in Gibson.

- Look at that corn-fed body.

Beefy. In all the right ways.

- Thank you?

- What, did you grow up pitching hay?

Eating three squares?

Flipping over big rocks,

looking for little roly-polies, huh?

- I didn't. - No, I did. That's me.

- That's totally wrong.

- Hey, Ders, if you ruin this for me,

I'm gonna ruin your face

harder than I ruined your computer.

- Kyle, where do I sign? - Oh!

- I don't know. The guy said I was a natural.

Whatever that means.

But I guess he's got a few gigs lined up for me,

and we'll see how it goes.

It just seems kind of silly, you know?

It's modeling.

- You have beautiful bone structure.

- Thank you, jet set. It's-

[footsteps approach] - Oh.

- Oh, hey, Alice.

I wanted to talk to you about the website.

See, I had a little snafu with the hard drive.

- Wow, what's this? - And, uh-

No, this is nothing.

Um, like I was saying, my laptop crapped out, and-

- These are professional, right?

You actually look pretty decent.

- Decently ugly. Shots fired.

- All right, anyway, just give me a few days.

I'll get the website back pronto.

- No, no, no. You forget about that.

I'm just gonna hire someone who knows what they're doing.

You-you're a face, Holmvik, not a website designer.

We're gonna use you for our model.

- No! But you said you wanted to use professional,

and he's not a professional, but you said you wanted

to use a professional, but he's not a professional.

- Adam's kind of making sense right now.

I mean, I put a lot of hard work into that website.

There's gonna be a whole interactive menu.

I'm more than a face. I don't-

- I'm all face. Look.

- Oh, my- okay, look.

Anders, I am asking you to do this, okay?

Tomorrow afternoon. Will you be there?

- I'll do what's best for the company.

- You're making a big mistake.

Imagine me.

Tank top, oiled, wearing-

- Do you want me to give you my honest opinion?

- You're gonna make me blush.

- If you ceased to exist,

it wouldn't matter to me.

- I respect your opinion, but just know this:

My face...

is an awesome face.

- [grunting]

Oh! Whew.

Be free, spirit in the sky.

Another victory.

- On some real levels right now,

is Ders more handsome than I am?

- Well, that there is a challenging question

because both of you are extremely handsome men.

- Psh. - I'm gonna say that right now.

I guess I would have to- Oh, you know what?

Hey, I got a match starting.

'Bout to fight this little French girl,

and I think I'm 'bout to kick her le ass.

- Blake, I really need a good friend

to talk to right now.

I'm in a-a chubbing phase.

And it's-I mean, I can't maintain a jaw line like this.

- You know what, Adam? This girl is ranked 65.

So if I beat her, I'm gonna be on the doorstep

of the top 50.

- Alice picked Ders,

and now Ders is gonna get to put his thing in her mouth?

- Adam, you know, I don't think that's how modeling works.

But, uh, Alice said that Ders had the look

she was going for,

so unless his face,

like, melts off with acid or something,

you're out of luck, compadre.

[grunting]

- [whispering] Good night, sweet prince.

- Agh! What- what are you doing to me?

- What do you think I'm doing, huh?

I'm destroying that pretty face of yours

so you don't model and let Alice suck on your thing.

- Adam, I am not trying to sleep with Alice.

- So you wouldn't let her suck on your thing.

- Of course I would let her- - There you go.

- Would you not let her suck on yours?

- No, I want her to suck on my thing; that's my thing!

You-you're not supposed to let her suck on your thing.

- Would you keep it down? I am trying to concentrate.

I am two matches away from cracking the leader board.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- Stupid idiot! - Hey!

- What the- what are you doing, Adam?!

Do you even know how many people go blind

from pizza shrapnel?

- Ders, if you show up at that photo shoot,

I'm gonna- [growls]

I'm gonna- [grunts]

- Guess what. You're on lockdown.

Go to your room.

- Get this guy, trying to authorize a lockdown

without a house meeting.

- Fine, I'm calling a house meeting.

- No, you can't call a house meeting right now.

- All in favor of authorizing a lockdown on Adam, say aye.

- You can't- - Aye.

- Nay. No, I said nay, though.

- Nope. - Sorry, bro.

- Okay, you know what? - Solitary confinement.

- Fine, I don't care; call a house meeting

without house rules, and then it doesn't even matter.

You know what matters, though? Probably a lot to you.

You don't get to play my Playstation all night long.

- Adam, you're being irrational. Stop it.

You're not this kind of guy.

Hey, I have two matches till a Claude-o-graph.

- Revenge is a dish best served cold,

so enjoy your cold revenge dish.

- Give me that. Give me-

- You get out. - Give me it, Adam.

[strained voice] Give it to me! Give it!

- Hang on, hang on. Let me get this.

Adam!

- Get him out. - Adam, open this door!

- Get him out, Anders. - I can't.

- [screaming] Give me the Playstation!

- Come on. - Don't do this to me, Adam!

- Come on, big guy.

- No, I'm breaking the door down.

- What are you doing? - I'm breaking the door down.

- No- - Move!

- Jeez, what are you doing? - Moooove!

- You can't break it, Blake. It's walnut.

- Hm.

I see you got my in-fight-ation.

- Yeah, I did. - You coming to the party?

Hope you're bringing something good,

'cause I'm bringing smashed potatoes...

and fruit punch.

- Adam, I'm not gonna fight you, all right?

I'm above all this.

- No, we're partying.

And I hope you're ready to feel the fury

that is my iPod dock

and my tiki torch, extra oil.

- This is getting ridiculous, all right?

The only reason I'm doing any of this modeling stuff

is because Alice wants me to do it,

and she's our boss.

That's that, all right?

And besides, if we did fight,

there's no way you'd be able to handle

my garlic bread and my napkins.

- I heard about the fight.

I been taking bets all day.

Y'all gonna make me rich.

Way-Way, who you got?

Tall boy? I'm gonna take that action.

Give it to me. - Wow.

- Yo, stretch.

Where's that suit I told you to bring?

The shoot's in ten.

- Yeah, I know. It's in my car.

I'll go grab it.

- Take a walk, Ders.

I don't want to have to kick your ass.

- Okay, Adam, this is so dumb, all right?

I'd like to get to this photo shoot on time.

Try being a pacifist.

- Oh, I'll be a pacifist.

I'll pass my fist through your face.

- That's not possible.

- Oh, isn't it? Is that possible?

- What are you doing? I'm serious.

- Is this possible? [horn blaring]

[dramatic chord]

- Dropped 30 spots in the rankings...

because of you.

Yeah, Claude-o-graph's gone.

Feel like I threw away my whole early 20s.

For nothing! - That sucks for you.

But it's not about you.

It's about me and this chump!

- No, Adam, you're not fighting Ders.

You're fighting me.

[whispering] Good luck.

[hip-hop music] - ♪ He's insane, ah ♪

- Blake? Adam? Who got Adam?

Nobody got Adam? Adam over here?

All right. What about you, Waymond?

- I want Anders. - Anders is not even fighting.

- I still want him. - That's it, bets off, bets off.

- You want me? You got me, dude.

[mocking] Oh, I'm Blake.

Oh, hi-ya, hi-ya.

Get over yourself, dude.

Good luck. - Oh, thanks, man.

Agh! Agh, my eyes!

- Oh!

[Asian-inspired '80s music]

- [roars]

♪♪

- [echoing] Take it from me.

Even a blind man can land a punch

if he sees it in his mind's eye first.

- Wham! - Oh!

[crowd groans] - Oh, my gosh.

- Are you okay? - It's just my face.

It's okay. - I'm so sorry.

- This is your fault.

- What? - This is all your fault!

- What are you doing? - Stop!

Agh.

Agh-agh-

- Okay. - [groaning and choking]

- Now you-you're not- - Agh!

- What? - Aggggh.

- Oh, is it the- is it the gum?

- [choked] It's the gum. - It's the gum?

- The gum.

- What is this? What is going on?

- Some weird shit happened,

and now Adam is choking on his gum.

- I'm pretty sure I'm bleeding.

- [groans] - Everyone stand back.

- [choking]

[screaming]

Oh, I'm still choking!

Oh, it's pretty bad!

[laughing] Oh!

- Oh, ew, gross.

- Oh, Alice.

You saved my life.

Now I know that you really care if I exist or not.

Thank you.

- Oh, God, whatever.

Anders, let's go.

The photographer's expensive.

Everyone else back to work!

- No, wait.

Alice, I can't do it.

All right?

I am more than just a pretty face.

I'm a pretty damn good web designer.

So if you give me a shot,

I won't let you down.

What do you say?

- No.

Waymond, come with me. You'll be our model.

We'll go with diversity or some shit.

- Uncle Blazer.

Look who I found.

Claude-o-graph!

- Oh, no way.

- Yeah. - Let me see that.

- Let me see. Oh, that is so cool, man.

Thank you.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

It's actually my signature.

I was gonna do his, but that cursive "J,"

that's a tricky one.

- Well, you wrote Adam JeMamp, though.

- Did I? - Yeah.

- Wow, yeah.

I am really stoned right now.

I don't know how- I couldn't do that again.

I couldn't do that again. - It's all right.

- Ders, also, good news for you, bud.

- Really? - Fixed your computer.

Got the files back on it.

Got the proposal on it.

Left it at the office.

It's just sitting there. It's totally refreshed and new.

- Shut up. Are you joking?

- No, I'm not. - Shut up.

- I'm not joking. - What?

- So serious. - Dude.

- No problem. - Oh, my God.

- No problem. You're a really good friend of mine.

- That's insane. - No problem.

- Who wants a beer? - I would love one.

- I'll take another one. - I'm getting beers.

- Thank you. - Sure, no problem, dude.

Not a problem. No problem, bud.

- That's awesome, man. - Yeah.

- How'd you get the computer fixed?

- I didn't. I just wanted him to be happy.

I got some tube socks, though,

and I'm gonna be very careful next time.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.