Original subtitles

- Okay, so I call it booze chess.

I got the Cognac Royal as your King.

Queensland vodka, obviously, that's the Queen.

Uh, Old Steed Whiskey,

that's the horse/centaur guy.

- Oh.

Chessmate.

- Let's just drink.

Whoa! Check out this guy.

- I didn't do it. Don't arrest me.

- Can I help you, occifer?

- It's my costume for the pole-dancing class

I'm taking up at the rec center.

- Good way to meet babes. - Yeah.

- It's a good way to keep the body in shape.

And, yes, I have met some friends-who are ladies.

Cheryl, Penny, Lori.

We're all gonna make homemade pizzas later.

- Sounds good.

So wait, everyone wears a cop outfit or what?

- Oh, no, no, no, this is just, uh, something fresh

I'm bringing to the table.

Thinking it might change the game, though,

after they see this little routine.

Check it out. Buckle up.

Freeze!

I'm gonna need you to spread 'em.

- I like it so far. - Yeah.

[rock music starts]

- Oh! - Hello. Whoa.

- Yo! - Yah.

- Oh. - Wait a second.

Where'd I put my- Oh, there it is.

Eyes down here, fellas. Eyes down here.

- Seriously, dude, you got a pretty good dick.

- ♪ S-s-stop, c-come alive ♪

♪ It's beat like this that make me smile ♪

- Oh, got me. - Oh!

- Oh, yeah. No, you don't need to...

- All right. - He did.

- Oh, yeah, I don't know what that's all about.

Officer! You're under arrest!

- Hey, whoa! This is a chessboard!

Hey, we're in the middle of a game!

- Ah! - ♪ Put your hands up ♪

- My teacher says if you don't have sweat in your crack,

you're not doing it right.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- So you really wouldn't bang Tyra Banks

'cause she's wearing a fat suit?

That is fatism, dude.

- That's not a fat suit.

I'm looking at her FUPA.

- No, that is a faux FUPA. Totally prosthetic.

I wish it was real, 'cause fat girls get me going.

- FUPA... what is- I don't know what that means.

I like saying it, though.

- It's a "Fat Upper Pussy Area."

Hi, I'm Bradley, the ISP supervisor.

- ISP supervisor?

- I monitor your web activity.

A lot of pornography, gentlemen.

- What's your job? What do you do?

- What? You don't think I can be an ISP supervisor?

All: No, no.

- You can totally be that. You can be whatever you want.

- You can do whatever you want to do. Yeah.

- What we're saying is, um, we don't look at pornography.

- I don't even know what porn is, truthfully.

- I think it's sexier when a woman

wears all of her clothes.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- You know what I love? The slope of a neck.

Oh. The soft voice of a woman.

Even a laugh. - Oh, laughs?

- Cut the crap, jag holes.

I can look the other way for a fee.

- Ugh, thank God,

'cause we actually watch a ton 0' porn.

Mostly weird stuff- DPs, 3Ps, golden showers.

Whatever. - Give me that.

- I'm into byoo-cake.

- And I love little Asians.

- Yeah, we've all got our own things, so...

- Oh, and that is a pass to the wax museum.

Really good one.

You should see their Jackie Chan.

- Bradley Cooper's new. That's a new exhibit.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Nothing. Just met Brad, new ISP supe.

- Call him B-Rad. - Cool dude.

- Good hire.

- Yeah, uh, this is my brother Bradley.

Let me guess. He scammed you out of money.

- Wait, so you are not an ISP supervisor?

- That's not even a real thing. - [laughs]

- I knew that. - I didn't. I didn't.

Okay, you are good.

We got to watch out for this guy.

- That's what I'm talking, B-Rad.

Real Danny Blaine. Is it Danny? David?

- It's David. - David Blaine?

- It's David. - David.

- Yeah, just give them their money back, please.

- Give me that. - Thanks, man.

- Anyway, uh, sweetie, I'm gonna be working late tonight.

I have an international conference call. Brussels.

- Oh, home of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Muscles from Brussels. - Shut up.

- That's what they call him.

- So there are some frozen calzones in the freezer.

And, um, I'll be home later.

- Ugh, I'm tired of being cooped up

in your stupid widow pad!

- [snickers]

- Bradley, I told you I am not a widow, okay?

I am divorced.

I am an independent woman in the prime of my life.

- You're 35 and alone. I run train on chicks like you.

- [whispers] Oh, my God.

- Why don't I hang with these nerds?

- What? Okay, no.

No, Bradley, you do not want to hang out with them, okay?

They are total losers.

- [scoffs] Real losers? Come on.

We have a swimming pool.

We-we all have our own rooms.

- We have an aquarium, a very small one.

We have two working toilets.

- That's not very loser, is it?

- It's settled then.

- Yeah, B-Rad.

- All right. - Whoo-hoo!

- [whistles]

- I'll be right back.

That dude definitely looks at porn.

- It's funny 'cause it's true.

He does. I've caught him.

- Okay, listen to me.

Bradley is my brother

and the only thing in the world that I love.

He's like the child I will never have.

So I want you to go against every instinct

you may have tonight and not do anything stupid.

- No. - Roger that.

- Yeah, because if you don't bring him back safe and sound,

I'm gonna eat your balls for breakfast tomorrow

with my Grape-aw units.

Then I'm gonna murder you.

Then I'm gonna fire you.

Okay. Have fun.

- [whispers] She just put the fear of God into my boner.

- Fear-ection.

So I'm thinking we could do a little, uh,

taste of Italy night for Bradley.

I'll get out the panini press.

- Yeah, maybe if our grandmothers

were visiting from the old country.

We're playing Mario Kart, and I choose Bowser.

See you on Rainbow Road.

- I'm gonna shove a red shell so far up your ass,

a turtle head is gonna pop out of your mouth.

- But I'm saying later, when we get hungry-

- We'll get pizza. Nobody wants the panini press.

What's a panini?

- It just sits there, you know?

I'm trying to show you guys about cultures.

- We told you to get the snow cone machine, man.

- Fine. Live in ignorance. Be typical Americans.

We'll do whatever you want to do.

- Yeah, inhale pepperoni pizza and chug Mountain Dew.

- Yes. That's a good idea.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

How does that sound, dude?

- Oh, that sounds like it would be fun...

if I were ten!

- Well, what do you want to do?

Oh, no. We're drunk again. [laughs]

- You're kicked out! - Dude, don't.

- Nice work in there, B-Rad.

[bottle breaks]

- Whoa-ho-ho-ho! - Whoa!

- This totally beats hanging out with Alice.

- Yes, it does.

- Did you know she wears a kimono around the house?

- What? Is it silk? Does she wear a bra underneath?

Oh-ho! My nuts! He hit my nuts!

- Yeah, speaking of our boss,

we should probably, uh, call a cab,

get this dude back to her place, and, uh...

- A cab? - Yeah.

We'll come back tomorrow and get the car.

- You've had two beers, dude. Suck it up.

The legal limit's seven or eight, okay?

I should know.

I've gotten plenty of DUls, right?

- I'm not risking it, all right?

What if I want to, like, run for city councilman someday?

- City councilman, dude? Suck it up!

Where's your self-worth?

At least run for the governator.

- Guys, I'm not going home. It's Tuesday night.

It's the classic party night.

- Ho-ho! - Ha-ha! Party night!

- Shake it. Shake it. - All right.

- I love this guy's fresh take on weekdays.

- You-you guys have beers at your place, right?

- Bought a 12'er yesterday.

- No, we don't have beers

because I beer-battered some brats

and then drank 11 beers.

- Rude!

- Here's the deal.

You guys go get the booze. We'll call the cab.

- Let's go! " The guy gets it.

- I'm not paying for a cab, man.

- One case of delicious beer.

- Sorry, buddy. It's 2:02.

- [chuckles]

You're kidding, right?

- No.

- Wow.

You'd think he'd have a giant heart under there,

wouldn't ya?

Looks like it's the end of the road for us, bud.

- Before we go, maybe we should grab you a vaginal douche,

you giant pussy.

Watch and learn.

- The old switcheroo.

We got ourselves a regular beer MacGruber here.

- This is day one stuff, dude.

- You are the master.

- That's right.

- I know I'm always talking about getting out of this town.

But, uh, if I don't get out of here,

I think city councilman is something I could do.

- I think you'd make an amazing city councilman, dude.

- Thank you. We're always kidding.

Like, I'm always kidding, and you'll kid right back at me.

- I don't want to do that anymore.

- No more jokes.

- You're one of my best friends.

I just want the best for you, dude.

- Yeah, me too. - Let's take a photo.

This is some real friendship stuff.

We need to commemorate this right here.

- Go ahead. ♪ Aaah ♪

- Ah, best friends! - Ha-ha!

- Ah. - Let me see it.

- Think you're gonna make the city council

after I leak this photo?

- I don't see why not.

- 'Cause my balls are hanging out.

No.

- Fuck this. Let's party.

- [laughs]

[whistles]

And one case of nonalcoholic sodas, please.

Tuesday night. Decided to get wild.

Drink some sodas with my buddies.

Great store here. Lot of cool sunglasses.

[whispers] We got this.

Hey, thanks a lot. Cool. Have a good one.

[clicks tongue]

- Oh, hell, no!

- Well, that's not a soda, now, is it?

- You're dead! - Let's go!

[hip-hop music]

- We got to go. Why are your nuts out?

- Where's your nuts? Why aren't they hanging out?

- What are you guys doing? The cab's on the way.

Oh, my God. - Come on. We got to go. Drive!

- Go around. Go around. - What's going on?

- Shit! Is he in? - Pop the trunk!

- Go, go, go! - Oh

- Did B-Rad just jump in the trunk

with a case of Diet Shasta?

- No, no, no. We pulled a little switched-a-dooza-roozle.

Hey, B-Rad, we're gonna get you out of there, okay?

As soon as we stop.

- I'm fine. I'm okay.

I'm not dead.

- Hey, farmer Ders, this isn't a tractor, okay?

We're not plowing a field. We're fleeing a crime scene.

Let's go! Pick it up!

- Adam, I am not going any faster, okay'?

I'm drunk driving. - Two beers.

- We robbed a convenience store.

- You've had two beers.

- They probably got my license plate number!

- Two beers! - Guys! Come on!

Let's go home, drink some beer,

and eat a handful of those penises

you're always talking about.

- They're not penises! They're paninis!

And if you think you're getting one now

after this whole hullabaloo, you are dead w-

Who's smoking weed? I smell weed.

Who's smoking it? - I'm smoking a joint.

I'm hotboxing with God!

- "Hotboxing with God"? B-Rad is rad!

- Yeah, and you are looking good in my cop uniform.

That's actually the uniform I wear to stripping class.

Which reminds me, I have a 5k run/walk

with the gals later.

- I think you might be gay, dude!

- It's actually not as gay as-okay.

- That's it.

No more hotboxing of any kind in my car, all right?

Do you understand? This is my Volvo. My rules.

Why aren't we moving? - Chill out, Ders.

- What's a "duah" checkpoint?

- Oh, no, that is a DUI checkpoint.

- What? - We're cool.

Just eat a penny. Suck on a penny.

- [panting]

- This isn't cool. They don't like this.

I'll tell you that.

- Wait. Bradley.

- Oh, jeez! - What the heck?

Bradley's in the trunk.

- I don't know what happened. Everything turned white.

[police radio chatter]

- Oh, man, Alice is gonna murder/fire us.

- Not unless we murder/suicide each other first.

Let's murder/suicide each other.

- What? - No, I can't do that.

We've discussed this.

I can't kill you guys. I love you way too much.

- Guys, I'm going to get arrested

when they find a body in my trunk.

- Body and drugs.

- Seriously, man, thank you for taking the rap for us.

We're gonna conjugally visit you in prison.

- No, no, no. Nobody's going to jail.

Whenever I'm in a bad situation,

I call the smartest guy I know...

Karl.

- The drug dealer. - The human genius.

- He's the smartest guy ever. - Yeah.

- Eccentrically he wears two different colored shoes.

- Socks. - Really'?

- Yeah. - That's smart.

- All right, soldiers, here's how it's gonna go down.

Two-man teams of two.

Blake, you and Ders are our men inside, infiltrating.

Me and DeMamp, we'll hang back here in HQ acting as backup.

- Yeah, HQ! Team HQ.

- HQ, "headquarters"?

This is a filthy, creepy van

that someone wrote "rape" on the side of.

- I wrote that.

The van doesn't have anylocks

and the word "rape" keeps all the weirdos away, bro.

- Oh, good idea. - The human genius.

- It's not genius. It isn't genius.

You don't have any formal education.

- At least I'm wearing camel flage.

- "Camel flage"? - Camel flage.

- The only reason I'm not totally on board right now

is that Ders is breaking and entering

when I should be doing that,

'cause I have- I'm the most courageous.

I'm like the Cowardly Lion.

- He had a lot of courage. - But opposite of that.

- He's right. I'm not the breaking-and-entering type.

- Ders, look into my eye.

My good eye. - Which-

I don't know which one's the good eye.

- This one, bro. The wonky one.

- It makes its own rules, dude.

Look how wonky it is! It's wonky!

- I'm running this mission, and I need you in there.

- Give me this.

- Now, we're gonna be on Channel 7,

so please keep the chatter to a minimum.

- Okay, we get it. - Do you get it, bro?

Me and Blake were in Iraq.

- That was Quebec, dude.

- Was it? - Okay.

I'm gonna go get my car back. Thank you.

- It's all right. We got this handled.

- Yeah. - Come on, Ders!

- Quebec, Iraq, it's all the same thing.

Have fun, guys! Be safe!

Oh, man, what are we gonna do for backup?

Surveillance? Little recon action?

- No, dude, backup vocals.

- Oh. ♪ Duh-duh-duh! ♪

- I hope you realize by cutting that lock,

you're adding eight years to our sentence.

- Where would they put a super-old Volvo?

- They'd probably put it by the front

because it'd get them business.

It's a classic. - Come on.

[dog barking]

Um, Ders, there's a dog. There's a dog.

- Adam, we got a dog. There's a dog problem.

Adam? Adam, are you there?

Adam, come in!

- It's a concept album about a dude who goes to space

and bangs an alien.

- [Coughs] Oh.

It's beautiful, dude.

[dog barking]

- Hey, give me one of those LUNA Bars that you always have.

Come on. I know you have one.

- I don't always have one.

[dog barking]

- Go. Go. - [whimpering]

[whispers] B-Rad, it's us, dude.

Um, this seems bad.

- No, it doesn't.

- What? How?

- Oh, you said "bad."

I thought you said, "This seems Brad."

- No. Bad.

- Yeah. This is bad.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ We're banging aliens tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause we're sad and lonely, yeah ♪

Both: ♪ We're banging aliens tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a little bit horny ♪

- Ow! God damn it!

- You guys realize you parked in a clearly marked

tow-away zone outside of a tow yard?

- Yeah, we know that, dude, 'cause we're crazy like that.

We're a couple of crazies. It's two versus one.

You want some of this, bro? Karl, get him!

- I'm sorry, Adam. - He's running.

He's just hoof in' it. That's cool.

Good friend of mine. Real close buddy of mine.

- [radio] Adam. Adam. - Oh, yeah. Cool.

What is this made of? Dirt?

[laughs] Just joshin' ya.

It's not made- it's denim.

And, quite frankly, it looks good on you.

Yeah. Okay. - Let's go for a walk.

- Okeydoke.

- Hey. Hello.

- Where are you?

- We're in the car.

- Which car?

- What? We're in the Volvo!

Are you high? - Oh, man, I bet they are.

HQ sounds so fun.

[whining] I want to be there so bad.

[knocks on window]

- Y'all broke in here to steal this turd?

- "Turd"?

With regularly scheduled maintenance,

this Volvo will run forever.

- Hew

You're in my world now.

- And it is just such a lovely world you got here.

- Now, see, you think you can break in here,

and there's no consequences, right?

- Yeah, that's what we were going for.

- You know, if this were actually a free country...

[whispers] I'd be getting real weird with you right now.

- It's already very weird, sir.

- But because of Obama,

I can't even shoot your ass without getting arrested.

Well, bust this. Barn.

Obama can't take away my lightsaber.

- [whisper] Why does everybody have one of those except me?

- This is going inside your tight,

moist, little doo-doo puss.

- Hold it right there!

This vehicle is part of a police investigation!

- Whoa, wait. You're a cop?

- What, you don't think I could be a cop?

- No, no, no. You see, that's not what I meant.

- Good! I'll be taking the car with me

and these gentlemen.

- You do that. - Okay, sir.

- Thank you. Thank you, officer.

- Don't make me come back here!

- Now, you see, I would never do some shit like that.

You're my homeboy, man.

- I'm getting ready to shoot up this bitch.

- I could feel that.

- Oh, crap. Go! Go! Go!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!

- I will find you!

I promise I will find you, bitches!

[cheers and laughter]

- Man! - Oh, my God.

- You totally had that guy fooled

until, you know, the pants got all sexy on you.

- B-Rad, you literally saved my butthole's life, man.

And it's never gonna forget that, dude.

- Guys, it's, like, 4:00 in the morning.

Alice is probably sitting at home right now

thinking of how she's going to fire us.

- Oh, yeah.

She's probably hanging out on the couch

in the kimono, thinking about me,

doing some power squats.

- Dude, I'm right here.

And I just got a text from her.

She's leaving the office now.

- All right, boys, it's time to put it into hyperdrive.

- Let's do this! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Come on!

- Come on, Anders! Move your ass!

- Whoo!

- It's a light. - Yeah.

- Soon as we're through this light.

- Sure.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh ♪

[elevator bell dings]

[car alarm beeps off]

- I know a shortcut.

Left here! Right at the light!

- Let's go. - Go, go.

[car horn blares]

- Play artist Norah Jones.

- Please repeat.

- Play artist Norah Jones.

- Please repeat.

- Okay, I pl-l play the same fucking song every night.

Norah fucking Jones.

- Norah Jones.

- Thank you.

- Turn by the sign. Now left.

We're almost there!

- Yeah, baby!

[tires screeching]

- ♪ I love the strokes of love ♪

♪ Painted up on your face ♪

- Move it, man.

- ♪ Aye-ya h-ya h-ya h-yah r

♪ Aye-ya h-ya h-ya h-yah r

[car alarm beeps on]

- Pull over! Pull over!

We made it!

- We thought you were taking us to your house.

- Yeah. My house of pancakes. I'm starving.

- Yeah, let's go inside. Let's get pancakes.

And while we're in there, let's get some job applications

because we're going to be fired.

- I'm an adult.

I can stay out as late as I want.

I will talk to Alice and tell her the truth.

You guys showed me a great time.

She won't be mad. Trust me.

Let's destroy some short stacks!

All: Yeah!

- And fuck chicks!

- Yeah, we'll do our best. We'll try.

- Yeah, definitely. - It's difficult.

It's harder than you think. - B-Rad in the house.

In the house of pancakes. - Oh, yeah.

This is a good idea. - Starving.

- This guy's gonna have some sausage.

Loan tell.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]