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1
00:00:01,211 --> 00:00:03,171
- Okay, so I call it
booze chess.
2
00:00:03,296 --> 00:00:05,340
I got the Cognac Royal
as your King.
3
00:00:05,465 --> 00:00:07,926
Queensland vodka,
obviously, that's the Queen.
4
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:10,011
Uh, Old Steed Whiskey,
5
00:00:10,136 --> 00:00:15,975
that's the horse/centaur guy.
6
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,936
- Oh.
7
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:19,312
Chessmate.
8
00:00:19,437 --> 00:00:21,147
- Let's just drink.
9
00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:23,066
Whoa!
Check out this guy.
10
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,567
- I didn't do it.
Don't arrest me.
11
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,319
- Can I help you, occifer?
12
00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,164
- It's my costume
for the pole-dancing class
13
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,476
I'm taking up at the rec center.
14
00:00:29,572 --> 00:00:31,366
- Good way to meet babes.
- Yeah.
15
00:00:31,491 --> 00:00:33,409
- It's a good way
to keep the body in shape.
16
00:00:33,535 --> 00:00:36,120
And, yes, I have met
some friends-who are ladies.
17
00:00:36,246 --> 00:00:38,081
Cheryl, Penny, Lori.
18
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,886
We're all gonna make
homemade pizzas later.
19
00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:41,251
- Sounds good.
20
00:00:41,376 --> 00:00:43,136
So wait, everyone wears
a cop outfit or what?
21
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,211
- Oh, no, no, no, this is just,
uh, something fresh
22
00:00:45,296 --> 00:00:46,506
I'm bringing to the table.
23
00:00:46,631 --> 00:00:48,271
Thinking it might change
the game, though,
24
00:00:48,341 --> 00:00:49,926
after they see
this little routine.
25
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:52,387
Check it out.
Buckle up.
26
00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:56,558
Freeze!
27
00:00:56,683 --> 00:01:00,311
I'm gonna need you
to spread 'em.
28
00:01:00,436 --> 00:01:01,312
- I like it so far.
- Yeah.
29
00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:03,106
[rock music starts]
30
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:06,484
- Oh!
- Hello. Whoa.
31
00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,528
- Yo!
- Yah.
32
00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:09,653
- Oh.
- Wait a second.
33
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,058
Where'd I put my-
Oh, there it is.
34
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:13,783
Eyes down here, fellas.
Eyes down here.
35
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:16,327
- Seriously, dude,
you got a pretty good dick.
36
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,121
- ♪ S-s-stop,
c-come alive ♪
37
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,886
♪ It's beat like this
that make me smile ♪
38
00:01:19,998 --> 00:01:21,624
- Oh, got me.
- Oh!
39
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,376
- Oh, yeah.
No, you don't need to...
40
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:24,752
- All right.
- He did.
41
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:28,339
- Oh, yeah, I don't know
what that's all about.
42
00:01:28,464 --> 00:01:31,342
Officer!
You're under arrest!
43
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:32,969
- Hey, whoa!
This is a chessboard!
44
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,455
Hey, we're in the middle
of a game!
45
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,222
- Ah!
- ♪ Put your hands up ♪
46
00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,099
- My teacher says if you
don't have sweat in your crack,
47
00:01:38,224 --> 00:01:39,264
you're not doing it right.
48
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:43,313
[hip-hop music]
49
00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:44,438
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
50
00:01:44,439 --> 00:01:45,940
♪♪
51
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,984
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪
52
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,611
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
53
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:53,114
- So you really wouldn't bang
Tyra Banks
54
00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:54,519
'cause she's wearing a fat suit?
55
00:01:54,616 --> 00:01:55,700
That is fatism, dude.
56
00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:56,825
- That's not a fat suit.
57
00:01:56,826 --> 00:01:58,536
I'm looking at her FUPA.
58
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:01,372
- No, that is a faux FUPA.
Totally prosthetic.
59
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:04,876
I wish it was real,
'cause fat girls get me going.
60
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:07,587
- FUPA... what is-
I don't know what that means.
61
00:02:07,712 --> 00:02:08,712
I like saying it, though.
62
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,966
- It's a "Fat Upper
Pussy Area."
63
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:15,845
Hi, I'm Bradley,
the ISP supervisor.
64
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,472
- ISP supervisor?
65
00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:19,223
- I monitor your web activity.
66
00:02:19,349 --> 00:02:22,352
A lot of pornography, gentlemen.
67
00:02:22,477 --> 00:02:24,896
- What's your job?
What do you do?
68
00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:28,358
- What? You don't think
I can be an ISP supervisor?
69
00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:29,734
All: No, no.
70
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,903
- You can totally be that.
You can be whatever you want.
71
00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:33,863
- You can do whatever
you want to do. Yeah.
72
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,532
- What we're saying is, um,
we don't look at pornography.
73
00:02:36,658 --> 00:02:38,868
- I don't even know
what porn is, truthfully.
74
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,411
- I think it's sexier
when a woman
75
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:41,746
wears all of her clothes.
76
00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:42,872
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
77
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,874
- You know what I love?
The slope of a neck.
78
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,919
Oh. The soft voice
of a woman.
79
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:50,213
Even a laugh.
- Oh, laughs?
80
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,048
- Cut the crap, jag holes.
81
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:56,010
I can look the other way
for a fee.
82
00:02:56,135 --> 00:02:57,220
- Ugh, thank God,
83
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,764
'cause we actually watch
a ton 0' porn.
84
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:03,267
Mostly weird stuff-
DPs, 3Ps, golden showers.
85
00:03:03,393 --> 00:03:04,435
Whatever.
- Give me that.
86
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,560
- I'm into byoo-cake.
87
00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:07,063
- And I love little Asians.
88
00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:09,023
- Yeah, we've all got
our own things, so...
89
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:11,275
- Oh, and that is a pass
to the wax museum.
90
00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:12,401
Really good one.
91
00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,070
You should see
their Jackie Chan.
92
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:15,955
- Bradley Cooper's new.
That's a new exhibit.
93
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:17,031
- Hey, what's going on?
94
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:18,741
- Nothing. Just met Brad,
new ISP supe.
95
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,026
- Call him B-Rad.
- Cool dude.
96
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,077
- Good hire.
97
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,287
- Yeah, uh,
this is my brother Bradley.
98
00:03:23,413 --> 00:03:24,914
Let me guess.
He scammed you out of money.
99
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:27,917
- Wait, so you are not
an ISP supervisor?
100
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:30,962
- That's not even a real thing.
- [laughs]
101
00:03:31,087 --> 00:03:32,797
- I knew that.
- I didn't. I didn't.
102
00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,090
Okay, you are good.
103
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,495
We got to watch out
for this guy.
104
00:03:35,550 --> 00:03:37,552
- That's what I'm talking,
B-Rad.
105
00:03:37,677 --> 00:03:39,429
Real Danny Blaine.
Is it Danny? David?
106
00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:40,763
- It's David.
- David Blaine?
107
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,640
- It's David.
- David.
108
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:44,726
- Yeah, just give them
their money back, please.
109
00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:46,477
- Give me that.
- Thanks, man.
110
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,896
- Anyway, uh, sweetie, I'm gonna
be working late tonight.
111
00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:52,066
I have an international
conference call. Brussels.
112
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,527
- Oh, home of
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
113
00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,529
Muscles from Brussels.
- Shut up.
114
00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:57,780
- That's what they call him.
115
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,949
- So there are some frozen
calzones in the freezer.
116
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:01,451
And, um, I'll be home later.
117
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:03,119
- Ugh, I'm tired
of being cooped up
118
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,829
in your stupid widow pad!
119
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:06,873
- [snickers]
120
00:04:06,998 --> 00:04:09,959
- Bradley, I told you
I am not a widow, okay?
121
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:11,294
I am divorced.
122
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,880
I am an independent woman
in the prime of my life.
123
00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:18,468
- You're 35 and alone.
I run train on chicks like you.
124
00:04:18,593 --> 00:04:19,594
- [whispers] Oh, my God.
125
00:04:19,719 --> 00:04:21,179
- Why don't I hang
with these nerds?
126
00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:23,473
- What?
Okay, no.
127
00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,433
No, Bradley, you do not want
to hang out with them, okay?
128
00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:26,601
They are total losers.
129
00:04:26,726 --> 00:04:28,436
- [scoffs] Real losers?
Come on.
130
00:04:28,561 --> 00:04:29,771
We have a swimming pool.
131
00:04:29,896 --> 00:04:32,106
We-we all have
our own rooms.
132
00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:34,108
- We have an aquarium,
a very small one.
133
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:36,152
We have two working toilets.
134
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,654
- That's not very loser, is it?
135
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:39,822
- It's settled then.
136
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,032
- Yeah, B-Rad.
137
00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:42,157
- All right.
- Whoo-hoo!
138
00:04:42,158 --> 00:04:43,534
- [whistles]
139
00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:46,037
- I'll be right back.
140
00:04:46,162 --> 00:04:48,706
That dude definitely
looks at porn.
141
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,034
- It's funny 'cause it's true.
142
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,212
He does.
I've caught him.
143
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,880
- Okay, listen to me.
144
00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:57,590
Bradley is my brother
145
00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,218
and the only thing
in the world that I love.
146
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,220
He's like the child
I will never have.
147
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,305
So I want you to go against
every instinct
148
00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,141
you may have tonight
and not do anything stupid.
149
00:05:07,266 --> 00:05:08,684
- No.
- Roger that.
150
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:11,187
- Yeah, because if you don't
bring him back safe and sound,
151
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:13,189
I'm gonna eat your balls
for breakfast tomorrow
152
00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,857
with my Grape-aw units.
153
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,526
Then I'm gonna murder you.
154
00:05:16,651 --> 00:05:18,027
Then I'm gonna fire you.
155
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,696
Okay.
Have fun.
156
00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:26,244
- [whispers] She just put
the fear of God into my boner.
157
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,995
- Fear-ection.
158
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,332
So I'm thinking we could do
a little, uh,
159
00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:32,737
taste of Italy night
for Bradley.
160
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,034
I'll get out the panini press.
161
00:05:34,085 --> 00:05:35,378
- Yeah, maybe
if our grandmothers
162
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,338
were visiting
from the old country.
163
00:05:37,463 --> 00:05:40,591
We're playing Mario Kart,
and I choose Bowser.
164
00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,552
See you on Rainbow Road.
165
00:05:42,677 --> 00:05:45,221
- I'm gonna shove a red shell
so far up your ass,
166
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:47,106
a turtle head is gonna pop out
of your mouth.
167
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,308
- But I'm saying later,
when we get hungry-
168
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:51,978
- We'll get pizza.
Nobody wants the panini press.
169
00:05:52,103 --> 00:05:53,103
What's a panini?
170
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,605
- It just sits there, you know?
171
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,732
I'm trying to show you guys
about cultures.
172
00:05:56,858 --> 00:05:58,901
- We told you to get
the snow cone machine, man.
173
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,906
- Fine. Live in ignorance.
Be typical Americans.
174
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,308
We'll do whatever you want
to do.
175
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:05,283
- Yeah, inhale pepperoni pizza
and chug Mountain Dew.
176
00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:07,243
- Yes.
That's a good idea.
177
00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:09,579
Oh. Oh. Oh!
178
00:06:09,704 --> 00:06:10,872
How does that sound, dude?
179
00:06:10,997 --> 00:06:12,707
- Oh, that sounds like it would
be fun...
180
00:06:12,832 --> 00:06:14,876
if I were ten!
181
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:16,460
- Well, what do you want to do?
182
00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:20,339
Oh, no. We're drunk again.
[laughs]
183
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,174
- You're kicked out!
- Dude, don't.
184
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:23,801
- Nice work in there, B-Rad.
185
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:24,927
[bottle breaks]
186
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,554
- Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
- Whoa!
187
00:06:26,679 --> 00:06:28,399
- This totally beats
hanging out with Alice.
188
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:29,599
- Yes, it does.
189
00:06:29,724 --> 00:06:32,351
- Did you know she wears
a kimono around the house?
190
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,937
- What? Is it silk?
Does she wear a bra underneath?
191
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:39,275
Oh-ho! My nuts!
He hit my nuts!
192
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,110
- Yeah, speaking of our boss,
193
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,820
we should probably,
uh, call a cab,
194
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,031
get this dude back
to her place, and, uh...
195
00:06:45,156 --> 00:06:46,156
- A cab?
- Yeah.
196
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,841
We'll come back tomorrow
and get the car.
197
00:06:47,909 --> 00:06:49,619
- You've had two beers, dude.
Suck it up.
198
00:06:49,744 --> 00:06:51,454
The legal limit's
seven or eight, okay?
199
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:52,622
I should know.
200
00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:55,291
I've gotten
plenty of DUls, right?
201
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:56,696
- I'm not risking it, all right?
202
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:59,033
What if I want to, like,
run for city councilman someday?
203
00:06:59,045 --> 00:07:02,089
- City councilman, dude?
Suck it up!
204
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,758
Where's your self-worth?
205
00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:06,177
At least run for the governator.
206
00:07:06,302 --> 00:07:09,472
- Guys, I'm not going home.
It's Tuesday night.
207
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:12,558
It's the classic party night.
208
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,226
- Ho-ho!
- Ha-ha! Party night!
209
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:15,519
- Shake it. Shake it.
- All right.
210
00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:18,481
- I love this guy's fresh take
on weekdays.
211
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,816
- You-you guys have beers
at your place, right?
212
00:07:20,942 --> 00:07:22,777
- Bought a 12'er yesterday.
213
00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:24,362
- No, we don't have beers
214
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,656
because I beer-battered
some brats
215
00:07:26,781 --> 00:07:29,992
and then drank 11 beers.
216
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,661
- Rude!
217
00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:32,995
- Here's the deal.
218
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,921
You guys go get the booze.
We'll call the cab.
219
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:37,708
- Let's go!
" The guy gets it.
220
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,920
- I'm not paying for a cab, man.
221
00:07:41,045 --> 00:07:43,881
- One case of delicious beer.
222
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:47,510
- Sorry, buddy.
It's 2:02.
223
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:50,346
- [chuckles]
224
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:53,516
You're kidding, right?
225
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,102
- No.
226
00:07:56,227 --> 00:07:57,561
- Wow.
227
00:07:57,687 --> 00:07:59,814
You'd think he'd have
a giant heart under there,
228
00:07:59,939 --> 00:08:01,065
wouldn't ya?
229
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,359
Looks like it's the end
of the road for us, bud.
230
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:07,196
- Before we go, maybe we should
grab you a vaginal douche,
231
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,864
you giant pussy.
232
00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,827
Watch and learn.
233
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,081
- The old switcheroo.
234
00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:19,917
We got ourselves a regular
beer MacGruber here.
235
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,711
- This is day one stuff, dude.
236
00:08:21,836 --> 00:08:22,878
- You are the master.
237
00:08:23,004 --> 00:08:24,380
- That's right.
238
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,632
- I know I'm always talking
about getting out of this town.
239
00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:29,010
But, uh, if I don't get out
of here,
240
00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:31,178
I think city councilman
is something I could do.
241
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:34,223
- I think you'd make an amazing
city councilman, dude.
242
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:35,725
- Thank you.
We're always kidding.
243
00:08:35,850 --> 00:08:37,560
Like, I'm always kidding,
and you'll kid right back at me.
244
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:38,686
- I don't want
to do that anymore.
245
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:39,811
- No more jokes.
246
00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:40,813
- You're one of my best friends.
247
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,299
I just want the best
for you, dude.
248
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,754
- Yeah, me too.
- Let's take a photo.
249
00:08:43,858 --> 00:08:45,401
This is some real
friendship stuff.
250
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:47,236
We need to commemorate this
right here.
251
00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:48,738
- Go ahead.
♪ Aaah ♪
252
00:08:48,863 --> 00:08:51,407
- Ah, best friends!
- Ha-ha!
253
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,616
- Ah.
- Let me see it.
254
00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:54,382
- Think you're gonna make
the city council
255
00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:55,786
after I leak this photo?
256
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,580
- I don't see why not.
257
00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,332
- 'Cause my balls
are hanging out.
258
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,422
No.
259
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,174
- Fuck this.
Let's party.
260
00:09:08,299 --> 00:09:10,217
- [laughs]
261
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:14,263
[whistles]
262
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:18,476
And one case of
nonalcoholic sodas, please.
263
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,644
Tuesday night.
Decided to get wild.
264
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:22,605
Drink some sodas
with my buddies.
265
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,316
Great store here.
Lot of cool sunglasses.
266
00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:28,235
[whispers] We got this.
267
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,947
Hey, thanks a lot. Cool.
Have a good one.
268
00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:33,407
[clicks tongue]
269
00:09:37,036 --> 00:09:39,121
- Oh, hell, no!
270
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,998
- Well, that's not a soda,
now, is it?
271
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,876
- You're dead!
- Let's go!
272
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:50,841
[hip-hop music]
273
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:53,219
- We got to go.
Why are your nuts out?
274
00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:55,096
- Where's your nuts?
Why aren't they hanging out?
275
00:09:55,221 --> 00:09:56,764
- What are you guys doing?
The cab's on the way.
276
00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,349
Oh, my God.
- Come on. We got to go. Drive!
277
00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:00,392
- Go around. Go around.
- What's going on?
278
00:10:00,518 --> 00:10:03,437
- Shit! Is he in?
- Pop the trunk!
279
00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:05,981
- Go, go, go!
- Oh
280
00:10:06,107 --> 00:10:07,483
- Did B-Rad just jump
in the trunk
281
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:08,984
with a case of Diet Shasta?
282
00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:12,947
- No, no, no. We pulled a little
switched-a-dooza-roozle.
283
00:10:13,072 --> 00:10:15,116
Hey, B-Rad, we're gonna get you
out of there, okay?
284
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:16,325
As soon as we stop.
285
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,160
- I'm fine.
I'm okay.
286
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,537
I'm not dead.
287
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,372
- Hey, farmer Ders,
this isn't a tractor, okay?
288
00:10:21,497 --> 00:10:23,658
We're not plowing a field.
We're fleeing a crime scene.
289
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:24,708
Let's go! Pick it up!
290
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:26,085
- Adam, I am not going
any faster, okay'?
291
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,169
I'm drunk driving.
- Two beers.
292
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,574
- We robbed a convenience store.
293
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:29,630
- You've had two beers.
294
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,215
- They probably got
my license plate number!
295
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,466
- Two beers!
- Guys! Come on!
296
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:33,831
Let's go home, drink some beer,
297
00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:35,164
and eat a handful
of those penises
298
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,303
you're always talking about.
299
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,948
- They're not penises!
They're paninis!
300
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,533
And if you think
you're getting one now
301
00:10:39,557 --> 00:10:42,101
after this whole hullabaloo,
you are dead w-
302
00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:43,769
Who's smoking weed?
I smell weed.
303
00:10:43,894 --> 00:10:45,563
Who's smoking it?
- I'm smoking a joint.
304
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,523
I'm hotboxing with God!
305
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:52,528
- "Hotboxing with God"?
B-Rad is rad!
306
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,531
- Yeah, and you are looking good
in my cop uniform.
307
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:57,867
That's actually the uniform
I wear to stripping class.
308
00:10:57,992 --> 00:10:59,535
Which reminds me,
I have a 5k run/walk
309
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,744
with the gals later.
310
00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:02,913
- I think you might
be gay, dude!
311
00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:05,791
- It's actually not as gay
as-okay.
312
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,126
- That's it.
313
00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:09,251
No more hotboxing of any kind
in my car, all right?
314
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:11,505
Do you understand?
This is my Volvo. My rules.
315
00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:14,049
Why aren't we moving?
- Chill out, Ders.
316
00:11:14,175 --> 00:11:16,135
- What's a "duah" checkpoint?
317
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,012
- Oh, no, that is
a DUI checkpoint.
318
00:11:18,137 --> 00:11:19,137
- What?
- We're cool.
319
00:11:19,138 --> 00:11:21,056
Just eat a penny.
Suck on a penny.
320
00:11:21,182 --> 00:11:23,184
- [panting]
321
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:27,122
- This isn't cool.
They don't like this.
322
00:11:27,146 --> 00:11:28,689
I'll tell you that.
323
00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,983
- Wait. Bradley.
324
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,071
- Oh, jeez!
- What the heck?
325
00:11:36,197 --> 00:11:37,531
Bradley's in the trunk.
326
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,242
- I don't know what happened.
Everything turned white.
327
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,578
[police radio chatter]
328
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:46,040
- Oh, man, Alice
is gonna murder/fire us.
329
00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:48,334
- Not unless we murder/suicide
each other first.
330
00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:49,752
Let's murder/suicide each other.
331
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,037
- What?
- No, I can't do that.
332
00:11:51,045 --> 00:11:52,171
We've discussed this.
333
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:53,923
I can't kill you guys.
I love you way too much.
334
00:11:54,048 --> 00:11:55,328
- Guys, I'm going
to get arrested
335
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,703
when they find a body
in my trunk.
336
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,052
- Body and drugs.
337
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,012
- Seriously, man, thank you
for taking the rap for us.
338
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,597
We're gonna conjugally
visit you in prison.
339
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,724
- No, no, no.
Nobody's going to jail.
340
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,142
Whenever I'm in a bad situation,
341
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:06,936
I call the smartest guy
I know...
342
00:12:07,061 --> 00:12:08,103
Karl.
343
00:12:08,229 --> 00:12:10,856
- The drug dealer.
- The human genius.
344
00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:12,942
- He's the smartest guy ever.
- Yeah.
345
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,194
- Eccentrically he wears
two different colored shoes.
346
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:16,445
- Socks.
- Really'?
347
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,948
- Yeah.
- That's smart.
348
00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:21,158
- All right, soldiers,
here's how it's gonna go down.
349
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,035
Two-man teams of two.
350
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,996
Blake, you and Ders are our men
inside, infiltrating.
351
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,999
Me and DeMamp, we'll hang back
here in HQ acting as backup.
352
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,502
- Yeah, HQ!
Team HQ.
353
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:32,753
- HQ, "headquarters"?
354
00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,588
This is a filthy, creepy van
355
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:37,466
that someone wrote "rape"
on the side of.
356
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:38,591
- I wrote that.
357
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:39,843
The van doesn't have anylocks
358
00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:42,009
and the word "rape" keeps
all the weirdos away, bro.
359
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:44,473
- Oh, good idea.
- The human genius.
360
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,141
- It's not genius.
It isn't genius.
361
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,810
You don't have
any formal education.
362
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,478
- At least I'm wearing
camel flage.
363
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,981
- "Camel flage"?
- Camel flage.
364
00:12:52,106 --> 00:12:54,400
- The only reason I'm not
totally on board right now
365
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,985
is that Ders is breaking
and entering
366
00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:57,236
when I should be doing that,
367
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:58,881
'cause I have-
I'm the most courageous.
368
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,072
I'm like the Cowardly Lion.
369
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,907
- He had a lot of courage.
- But opposite of that.
370
00:13:02,032 --> 00:13:04,112
- He's right. I'm not
the breaking-and-entering type.
371
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:06,412
- Ders, look into my eye.
372
00:13:06,537 --> 00:13:07,663
My good eye.
- Which-
373
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:08,831
I don't know which one's
the good eye.
374
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,374
- This one, bro.
The wonky one.
375
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,959
- It makes its own rules, dude.
376
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,169
Look how wonky it is!
It's wonky!
377
00:13:14,295 --> 00:13:16,547
- I'm running this mission,
and I need you in there.
378
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:17,673
- Give me this.
379
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,159
- Now, we're gonna be
on Channel 7,
380
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,735
so please keep the chatter
to a minimum.
381
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,178
- Okay, we get it.
- Do you get it, bro?
382
00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:24,888
Me and Blake were in Iraq.
383
00:13:25,014 --> 00:13:26,557
- That was Quebec, dude.
384
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:28,392
- Was it?
- Okay.
385
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,078
I'm gonna go get my car back.
Thank you.
386
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:31,582
- It's all right.
We got this handled.
387
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:32,603
- Yeah.
- Come on, Ders!
388
00:13:32,688 --> 00:13:34,690
- Quebec, Iraq,
it's all the same thing.
389
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,442
Have fun, guys!
Be safe!
390
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,694
Oh, man, what are we
gonna do for backup?
391
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,863
Surveillance?
Little recon action?
392
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:43,866
- No, dude, backup vocals.
393
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,784
- Oh.
♪ Duh-duh-duh! ♪
394
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,369
- I hope you realize
by cutting that lock,
395
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,134
you're adding eight years
to our sentence.
396
00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:51,457
- Where would they put
a super-old Volvo?
397
00:13:51,582 --> 00:13:52,875
- They'd probably put it
by the front
398
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,240
because it'd get them business.
399
00:13:54,335 --> 00:13:57,421
It's a classic.
- Come on.
400
00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:58,630
[dog barking]
401
00:13:58,756 --> 00:14:02,134
Um, Ders, there's a dog.
There's a dog.
402
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:04,011
- Adam, we got a dog.
There's a dog problem.
403
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,013
Adam?
Adam, are you there?
404
00:14:06,138 --> 00:14:07,806
Adam, come in!
405
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,225
- It's a concept album
about a dude who goes to space
406
00:14:10,351 --> 00:14:11,393
and bangs an alien.
407
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,979
- [Coughs] Oh.
408
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,230
It's beautiful, dude.
409
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:17,232
[dog barking]
410
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,736
- Hey, give me one of those
LUNA Bars that you always have.
411
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,321
Come on.
I know you have one.
412
00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:24,907
- I don't always have one.
413
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:28,744
[dog barking]
414
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:32,873
- Go. Go.
- [whimpering]
415
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,131
[whispers]
B-Rad, it's us, dude.
416
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,800
Um, this seems bad.
417
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,551
- No, it doesn't.
418
00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:45,761
- What? How?
419
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:46,929
- Oh, you said "bad."
420
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,534
I thought you said,
"This seems Brad."
421
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,474
- No. Bad.
422
00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:51,767
- Yeah.
This is bad.
423
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,852
[hip-hop music]
424
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,776
[hip-hop music]
425
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:04,738
- ♪ We're banging aliens
tonight ♪
426
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:08,534
♪ 'Cause we're sad and lonely,
yeah ♪
427
00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:12,621
Both:
♪ We're banging aliens tonight ♪
428
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:16,250
♪ 'Cause I'm
a little bit horny ♪
429
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:20,129
- Ow!
God damn it!
430
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:23,465
- You guys realize you parked
in a clearly marked
431
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:27,511
tow-away zone
outside of a tow yard?
432
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,930
- Yeah, we know that, dude,
'cause we're crazy like that.
433
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,349
We're a couple of crazies.
It's two versus one.
434
00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:35,602
You want some of this, bro?
Karl, get him!
435
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,479
- I'm sorry, Adam.
- He's running.
436
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,440
He's just hoof in' it.
That's cool.
437
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:41,233
Good friend of mine.
Real close buddy of mine.
438
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:45,237
- [radio] Adam. Adam.
- Oh, yeah. Cool.
439
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:46,780
What is this made of?
Dirt?
440
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:49,533
[laughs] Just joshin' ya.
441
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:51,118
It's not made-
it's denim.
442
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:54,496
And, quite frankly,
it looks good on you.
443
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,665
Yeah. Okay.
- Let's go for a walk.
444
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:57,958
- Okeydoke.
445
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,626
- Hey. Hello.
446
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,295
- Where are you?
447
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:02,963
- We're in the car.
448
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,465
- Which car?
449
00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:06,550
- What?
We're in the Volvo!
450
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,052
Are you high?
- Oh, man, I bet they are.
451
00:16:09,178 --> 00:16:10,471
HQ sounds so fun.
452
00:16:10,596 --> 00:16:13,849
[whining]
I want to be there so bad.
453
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:16,727
[knocks on window]
454
00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:19,188
- Y'all broke in here
to steal this turd?
455
00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:20,647
- "Turd"?
456
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,232
With regularly scheduled
maintenance,
457
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,067
this Volvo will run forever.
458
00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,861
- Hew
459
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,197
You're in my world now.
460
00:16:28,322 --> 00:16:30,532
- And it is just such
a lovely world you got here.
461
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,377
- Now, see, you think
you can break in here,
462
00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:34,453
and there's no consequences,
right?
463
00:16:34,578 --> 00:16:36,830
- Yeah, that's what we
were going for.
464
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:40,375
- You know, if this were
actually a free country...
465
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:43,045
[whispers] I'd be getting
real weird with you right now.
466
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,380
- It's already very weird, sir.
467
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:47,549
- But because of Obama,
468
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:50,802
I can't even shoot your ass
without getting arrested.
469
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:52,679
Well, bust this.
Barn.
470
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:57,768
Obama can't take away
my lightsaber.
471
00:16:57,893 --> 00:17:00,229
- [whisper] Why does everybody
have one of those except me?
472
00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:05,234
- This is going inside
your tight,
473
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:09,446
moist, little doo-doo puss.
474
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,240
- Hold it right there!
475
00:17:11,365 --> 00:17:14,368
This vehicle is part
of a police investigation!
476
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:15,869
- Whoa, wait.
You're a cop?
477
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,247
- What, you don't think
I could be a cop?
478
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:21,625
- No, no, no. You see,
that's not what I meant.
479
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,794
- Good! I'll be taking
the car with me
480
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:25,462
and these gentlemen.
481
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,089
- You do that.
- Okay, sir.
482
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,550
- Thank you.
Thank you, officer.
483
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,510
- Don't make me come back here!
484
00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:33,554
- Now, you see, I would never
do some shit like that.
485
00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:35,180
You're my homeboy, man.
486
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,849
- I'm getting ready
to shoot up this bitch.
487
00:17:37,975 --> 00:17:41,562
- I could feel that.
488
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:44,898
- Oh, crap.
Go! Go! Go!
489
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,233
- Go! Go! Go! Go!
490
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:47,484
- I will find you!
491
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,654
I promise I will find you,
bitches!
492
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:53,574
[cheers and laughter]
493
00:17:53,699 --> 00:17:54,741
- Man!
- Oh, my God.
494
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,146
- You totally
had that guy fooled
495
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,829
until, you know,
the pants got all sexy on you.
496
00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,039
- B-Rad, you literally saved
my butthole's life, man.
497
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:03,041
And it's never
gonna forget that, dude.
498
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,727
- Guys, it's, like,
4:00 in the morning.
499
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:06,253
Alice is probably sitting
at home right now
500
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:07,898
thinking of how she's going
to fire us.
501
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:08,964
- Oh, yeah.
502
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,550
She's probably hanging out
on the couch
503
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:13,051
in the kimono,
thinking about me,
504
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,511
doing some power squats.
505
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,263
- Dude, I'm right here.
506
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,307
And I just got a text from her.
507
00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:21,184
She's leaving the office now.
508
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,604
- All right, boys, it's time
to put it into hyperdrive.
509
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:25,022
- Let's do this!
- Yeah!
510
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:26,148
- Yeah!
- Come on!
511
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,553
- Come on, Anders!
Move your ass!
512
00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:29,484
- Whoo!
513
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,986
- It's a light.
- Yeah.
514
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,472
- Soon as we're through
this light.
515
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:33,488
- Sure.
516
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,328
[hip-hop music]
517
00:18:39,453 --> 00:18:40,579
- ♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh ♪
518
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:43,790
[elevator bell dings]
519
00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:45,584
[car alarm beeps off]
520
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,007
- I know a shortcut.
521
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,676
Left here!
Right at the light!
522
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:55,801
- Let's go.
- Go, go.
523
00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:58,055
[car horn blares]
524
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,895
- Play artist Norah Jones.
525
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,190
- Please repeat.
526
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:11,860
- Play artist Norah Jones.
527
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,278
- Please repeat.
528
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:16,114
- Okay, I pl-l play the same
fucking song every night.
529
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:18,367
Norah fucking Jones.
530
00:19:18,492 --> 00:19:21,036
- Norah Jones.
531
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,372
- Thank you.
532
00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:26,041
- Turn by the sign.
Now left.
533
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,542
We're almost there!
534
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,127
- Yeah, baby!
535
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:32,881
[tires screeching]
536
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,637
- ♪ I love the strokes of love ♪
537
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:41,139
♪ Painted up on your face ♪
538
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:42,265
- Move it, man.
539
00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:44,976
- ♪ Aye-ya h-ya h-ya h-yah r
540
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:46,395
♪ Aye-ya h-ya h-ya h-yah r
541
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,605
[car alarm beeps on]
542
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:52,150
- Pull over!
Pull over!
543
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,318
We made it!
544
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,987
- We thought you were taking us
to your house.
545
00:19:56,113 --> 00:20:00,200
- Yeah. My house of pancakes.
I'm starving.
546
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:02,045
- Yeah, let's go inside.
Let's get pancakes.
547
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,204
And while we're in there,
let's get some job applications
548
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:05,609
because we're going to be fired.
549
00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:07,124
- I'm an adult.
550
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,876
I can stay out as late
as I want.
551
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:12,921
I will talk to Alice
and tell her the truth.
552
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,924
You guys showed me a great time.
553
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,135
She won't be mad.
Trust me.
554
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,470
Let's destroy some short stacks!
555
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:21,930
All: Yeah!
556
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,099
- And fuck chicks!
557
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,392
- Yeah, we'll do our best.
We'll try.
558
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:27,060
- Yeah, definitely.
- It's difficult.
559
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:31,231
It's harder than you think.
- B-Rad in the house.
560
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,608
In the house of pancakes.
- Oh, yeah.
561
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:36,862
This is a good idea.
- Starving.
562
00:20:36,987 --> 00:20:38,530
- This guy's gonna have
some sausage.
563
00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:40,323
Loan tell.
564
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,580
- Nice.
565
00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:48,707
[dog snorting, party horn blows]
40737
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