Original subtitles

- There's definitely something in there.

- Okay, just tell me what happened.

- Well, I was watching Hell Date as usual last night,

and I was eating pretzel rods, and I passed out.

So I think I, like, rolled on one

and it broke off in my ear or something.

- Or maybe I've just been

punching you in your sleep, dude.

Did you think about that maybe?

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Oh, it makes more sense than you even know, Anders.

- Well, so have you then?

- Okay. - Maybe.

- All right, just stay still,

because I definitely see something in there.

- Well, get it out! - Okay, okay.

Just take some deep breaths.

Adam, can you hand me those tweezers, please?

- What do you need tweezers for, man? Just...

- Tweeze me. - Thank you.

All right now, just hold still.

I don't wanna rupture any vessels.

- What?

- [whispers] Oh, sweet Jesus.

- What? What is it?

- [gasps] - What's in there?

What is it? What? What is it?

- It's a baby cockroach!

[all screaming]

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- No, sir, it's not just a washcloth.

This zips into your utility belt.

And if you're on a boat, it goes overboard, it floats.

I know you're not a child, sir.

Well, maybe we shouldn't be doing business.

Well, that's fine. Fine.

No, okay, well, I guess we're not doing business.

- Check out our house,

it looks like a total circus tent.

- Ugh, that looks like a poisonous death trap, dude.

- How's that?

- If I were a kid, that's exactly where I would hide.

Instead of, like, making awesome circus tents

that kids wanna hide in,

they should just write "Homework Store" on it,

or "Homework Town."

Kids don't wanna go to Homework Town.

Dead kid problem solved.

- Yeah, or then we'd have some dead, really smart kids.

- Well, maybe if you guys didn't treat our house

like the piss ditch at Burning Man,

we wouldn't have to get it fumigated.

- Ders, you're the bedtime maniac

who passes out with pretzels

and wakes up with little brain bugs.

- Nevertheless, we have nowhere to sleep for three days.

- Come on, guys, this is our chance

to take that camping trip we've never talked about.

- Yeah, let's buckle up for some high-speed bro bondage.

- Yeah, it's free, it's fun,

and you just might learn something.

- Excuse me, could you move this box

so I can get to the outlet?

- No prob, Bob.

- It's Bret.

- No sweat, Bret.

- Whoa. - Whoa!

- Look at this.

Finally found a T-shirt that's gonna house

those bodacious C cups of yours, Ders.

Come on, give me a little shake, baby.

Come on, mama. Shake it for us.

Yeah! - Shake it, shake it, shake it.

- Yeah. - How does he do that?

- Uh, magnificent. - Whoa, whom!

- And let's give one to Bret here.

It's a parting gift. Thanks, buddy.

- Thank you. - You earned it.

- Oh, that's how it's gonna be, huh?

This nerd show up for one day to do my job.

I'm here every day.

Y'all never gave me a T-shirt.

- Montez, that's because you're not an I.T. guy.

- Okay, I'm not an I.T. guy.

All right, who took that pornado off his computer, hmm?

Who sent y'all all them dope web videos?

Remember that Chocolate Rain, huh?

What about that G“:

where the penguin fell through the ice?

- Yeah. - Remember that one?

And that Leroy Jenkins joint?

That was next level.

- Yeah, that was good,

but it came out, like, five years ago, so...

- You don't respect the classics.

What's next? He gonna buttfuck Mozart?

- Ew. - Here you go.

- I appreciate it.

Waymond, look what they gave me.

Nuh, ah! That's not for you. Come on.

You always trying to get stuff that's not yours.

- That was nice of you. - Thanks, buddy.

- Good job. - Oh!

- You okay?

- Here, spit it out.

- [coughs, wheezes]

- Are you ready to go camping tonight, brother?

- Roger that, Ranger Rick. We are all set.

Got those 'shrooms from Karl that he brought from Chico.

I'm talking brain melter.

- I don't even know if I wanna do any.

- What? - I'm scared.

You know what? I'll do a couple.

- Ha-ha! That's my guy.

- One or two. Not too many, though.

I wanna be appropriate with those, for sure.

- Wanna do some right now? - Hey

- Hey, dickholes. - Alice, hey.

- So I don't know if you heard this or not,

but there's been a series of burglaries

in cars in the area.

Anyway, we're gonna be beefing up security,

so I just wanted to let you know that.

- I hope they don't put any language alarms in,

because you cuss a lot.

[laughing]

- You won't need too much extra security,

because we've already got Sirs Vei and Lance right here.

Surs... veillance, vey.

- What the fuck does that mean?

- Anyways, I could walk you to your car tonight

if you were worried about the burglars.

- Wow. Adam, that would be-

actually, that would be really great.

- Really'?

- No, you fuckhead. Of course not.

- Ah. - [chuckles]

- You think walking to my car

with a four-foot 12-year-old

is really gonna spook away any bad guys?

I don't think so. - Four-foot-tall 12-year-old...

I can bench-press 220, so whatever.

- Just shut up, Adam. - Right on.

[electronic music]

♪♪

- Hey.

- And it turns out the whole entire camp...

[whispers] was haunted.

[plays recorded shrieks and screams]

- Oh. [chuckles] That was scary!

Bro, you totally just N. Mike Salomon-ed me.

- N. Mike. Now he's a real storyteller.

- Dude, tell that story again.

But this time...

on 'shrooms.

- Ooh. Okeydoke.

- Please don't; I don't need to hear about

how some guy is getting raped with a buzz saw again.

- Uh, it was a chainsaw, Ders.

How's a ghost gonna rape someone with a buzz saw?

Idiot.

- Either way, come get some of Karl's grody toadstools.

- Yum. - Mmm.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- Ders, you want in on this?

- I think Ders should maybe take a little naparoo,

let us wolves howl at the moon like we do.

- A-ow!

I'm a coyote with sunglasses.

- Yeah, you are. Woof.

- Okay, first of all, dickheads, I'm not going to bed.

It's 7:45.

And secondly, why do you think

I would let you drink all my Kahlua

and not expect me to want

some of your drug stuff in return?

- This will make your brain go all like...

and you can't handle that.

- Adam, I can do a drug, okay?

I can drop 'shrooms.

Plus, I don't wanna babysit you guys all night.

- Hey, Adam... Ders can have one.

A little doggy, a little pup.

But, hey, don't you flip out on me.

I don't want you just throwing 'bows, okay?

Gotta be cool.

- Blake, I'm a pretty cool guy.

Get with the showgram.

- To me, they taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Minus the cinnamon.

And the crunch as well.

- Oh, my God, you guys do these a lot?

'Cause they're gross.

It tastes like what I think

Rumpelstiltskin might taste like.

- They're good, right? - Oh, yeah.

Do your legs feel like puddings?

- Swimming in the swimming pool of life.

- Imagine this is the nucleus,

and we're all little neurons.

- Are we in the lighthouse?

[babbling]

- Will you take this world by storm?

[imitating monkey]

- Pretty boy. - ♪ You are my star ♪

- ♪ I like spending the... ♪

[deep voice] ♪ Summers ♪

♪ In the mall ♪

[high-pitched voice] ♪ With my girlfriend ♪

- A' Star A'

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [all laughing]

[ominous music]

♪♪

- This one goes out to the late, great John Candy, mon!

- We are the bobsled team.

- Mamasay, mamasah, macoosah.

- Am I tripping, or did I just see two dudes in there?

- We've got company.

- Take it down. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

- Ow, who is that? Adam? - That's okay.

- Go, go, go. - Let it down easy.

Let her down easy. - Shh, quiet.

- There are actual robbers here right now!

Is anyone gonna help me deflate this?

- Oh, so now you wanna go on a magic carpet ride, huh?

- I just wanna have a plan to get out of here.

- We could start robbing the place ourselves,

and then when we see the burglars we can be like,

'What are you guys doing here? You guys are burglaring this?

I thought we had this today."

- Are you insane? I'm calling the cops.

- Ugh. Get over yourself.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Okay, no. All right?

Because I'm pretty sure

we have broken more laws than the burglars.

We're trespassing.

I did some things in the girls' bathroom

I shouldn't talk about,

and we have a ton of drugs.

- Do we? I can take care of that for us.

Teamwork for my friends.

- Okay, is that the smartest thing to do right now?

Get more 'shroomed out? - Mm-hmm.

Ders, this is our night at the museum, okay?

And this exhibit, he's coming to life.

- How many 'shrooms have you dropped?

- A lot. - How many?

How many 'shrooms have you dropped?

How many 'shrooms have you dropped?

- A lot. - Hey, I've got it.

It's so obvious. It's so simple.

They'll never see it coming.

Let's walk right out the front door.

- Blake!

You're the smartest guy I know.

You're like Bo Jackson. - Adam...

[whispers] Inside voices.

[elevator dings]

- Oh, my God, we're dead. We're dead, we're dead.

- We're not gonna get murdered, Ders.

We're not gonna get stabbed repeatedly

in the face and body, and left for dead.

- Adam, the entire building is locked down.

The front door's the only way out.

I think one of those guys had a gun on his person.

- No, that's it. It's so obvious; it's so simple.

They'll never see it coming.

We go through the biggest front door of them all...

the roof.

Let's go.

Shh.

- Okay, cool, where's the fire escape?

- Well, there is no fire escape,

but maybe you've heard of the classic tale

by. . .who wrote Rapunzel?

- What are you talking about?

- Whatever, I'll jump. I don't care, dude.

- Please do. - No, no, I'm serious.

Like, we should ponytail our clothes together,

and Rapunzel down.

- You mean rappel. - No, Rapunzel.

Actually, curiously,

that's where the word "rappel" comes from.

"Rapunzel." - No, it's not.

But that's not a bad idea; I'm in.

- ORGY-

- Are you guys cold?

What? They're Spanx, all right?

Haven't been to the gym a lot lately,

and they keep me tight.

- Is that why you're flexing?

- I'm not flexing right now, dude.

Are you flexing? - Definitely not flexing.

- You're flexing for sure. - No, you're flexing.

- No, you're flexing, dude. - I'm not flexing right now.

- I'm a stress eater.

And I've been eating a lot lately,

so I need Spanx.

- Okay, yes. - Are you okay with that?

- You're stress eating some high-class boomers.

I need you focused.

- Fine, I'm the best thrower anyway.

- No, no, no, no. Don't, don't, don't!

What are you doing? - Stop!

Stop! Stop, Stop!

Stop it, Adam! Stop!

Sto-you're not listening!

- We should start bringing guns to work, man.

Then we wouldn't have this issue, like, ever.

We would just be like, "You're robbing us?"

- Yeah, absolutely.

Guns are at least, or two-handed swords.

- Sword? Cut me, bro.

Cut me- bro.

♪ 'Cause I'm a stabbin' dude with raditude ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

- Shut up.

Are you trying to get me killed?

- Are you flexing again? - No.

- You look like you are.

- I'm not flexing right now. You are.

- Yeah, I always am.

And you need to take some time out of your day

and work on your body,

'cause it's an embarrassment, bro.

- Come on, let's go. We're not safe here anymore.

- Whoa. I just got an awesome idea.

- Stop it.

Those 'shrooms you made me take

are making me sick to my stomach.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, brother.

Those 'shrooms were all you, buddy.

- Ders, succumbing to peer pressure.

What's new, Ders? - I don't do that.

- What's new, Ders? - We have to get out of here.

We have to go! - Can fly in this thing.

- Adam, you can't fly.

- I'm like one of those dragons from Avatar, remember?

They flew on them. They were like...

[high-pitched screeching]

- Shh! Stop.

Adam, stop.

Adam, I cannot handle this anymore.

I'm gonna go wait in the bathroom.

- [screeches] - Stop it.

I'm going to the bathroom.

- Bye-bye. TTYL.

LOL. JK.

- Give me the stapler.

Not about to be the only guy without it.

- How many? - Two.

There you go again, overachieving.

Miss you, dude.

- Ahh.

Oh, man, that's cool-looking.

- [whistling]

God damn it.

- I got you, baby.

[toilet flushes]

[glass scratching]

[phone vibrates]

- Whoa.

Dude, he just sent me a picture of a knife.

I think he might really be in trouble.

- Oh, my God, a photo of a knife?

Terrifying.

I've got about two more hours on this,

and then we'll get to go home.

Okay? Believe in me.

- Adam, you know our motto.

No Ders left behind.

- The thing about Ders is...

he's supposed to die tonight.

I'm on a real spiritual high right now, brother.

Real high.

It's the prophecy.

It was foretold, like, a 1,000 years before dinosaurs.

- And as cool as that sounds,

how awesome would it be to deny the prophecy'?

- Let's do it for the dinosaurs.

- What does that mean?

- I think that means let's go save Ders.

- All right. - Okay.

- Well, well, well.

The server room. What are these guys up to?

- Jackpot.

- This is bigger than we thought.

[door squeaks]

- [screams]

No, please don't cut me.

You came back.

I almost just killed you.

- Are you okay?

- I've been nothing but worried.

- I shouldn't have left you guys.

You guys are my rocks.

Thank you.

[sniffs] Look, we are not safe here.

- No one's safe.

They got in the server room, hacked into the networks.

- I know I'm really high right now, guys,

but I don't think I'm exaggerating

when I say this goes all the way up to the vice president

of the continental United States of America.

- Biden.

How are we gonna get out of here?

- We aren't.

We've gotta stand up for justice.

We're gonna protect what's ours

and take back what we never had,

because if the History Channel taught us anything

besides the culture of ice road trucking,

it's that history defines men by moments and shit.

And gentledudes, this is our moment.

Because if we don't learn from History Channel...

we're doomed to repeat History Channel.

- Let's go kill these dudes.

- I didn't cry for no reason.

[toilet flushes]

- Okay, so what are we looking at here?

- This is the burglar buster.

It's basically the Eliminator from American Gladiators,

mixed with all the cool laser parts from Entrapment-

you know, the Catherine Zeta-Jones vehicle.

- Yeah, it's a classic.

But how do we know this is going to work?

- Because it was designed by the best.

♪ Catherine Zeta-Jones ♪

♪ She dips beneath lasers ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- I'll get on the P.A. to get their attention.

Then using Adam as bait,

we lure them through our gauntlet.

First up, the Lazer Jungle.

- What's that supposed to do?

- Physically? Nothing.

But mentally... total destruction.

- Ooh, I like that.

- Then Adam triggers the Water Jug Pendulums of Death,

driving them into...

our Ether-Net,

which, you guessed it, is a net of ethernet cables.

And if these guys happen to be super-shredder status

and get through all of that,

then I'll be there with our Last Line of Defense:

just plain old sharpened broomsticks,

just like that scene in Braveheart.

[devilish laughter]

[hip-hop music]

- All right, let's do this.

- We're doing it.

[loud intercom beep]

- Warning.

You have activated the laser alarm system.

These are not laser pointers.

They're real lasers that burn through human flesh.

You're probably like... lasers in an office buil...

Anyways, you should be really freaked out.

Adam, that's your cue.

- Leroy... Jenkins!

[both coughing]

- God damn it, Leroy.

- Sorry. I had to do it.

I'm kind of a maverick,

and I just don't give a shoot, you know?

You guys feel me, though, right?

- I feel you. You're like my new hero.

- Maybe we should tie them up.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- So you thought you could just come in here

and throw down on our turf?

On our turf? That's what you thought?

- I guess you guys forgot to expect

the unexpected!

- Like I said, I'm with tech support.

I met you, like, six hours ago.

This is my part- this is my partner, Corey.

- Oh, very clever.

So you come in during the day

hidden in plain sight to case the joint.

- You are not gonna get the codes.

But you will tell us what Joe Biden's after.

- What does Joe Biden want?

- Please, just don't hurt us.

- [laughing] Us hurt you?

That's hilarious; we're not the ones

dropping knives in bathrooms.

That's right. I was in there watching you.

- I carry a knife with me because I was sexually assaulted

in a mall food court last spring.

Sorry I like to feel protected.

- I'm sorry.

- We're just here to reboot the system.

We can't-we can't do it during the day

when the servers are in use.

- Right! - Yeah.

Okay! Like I can't test your little lie, buddy?

I can just open up a program right here-

holy shit, this is fast.

Did you install Snow Leopard for PC on this?

- No way, let me see. - This is good.

- Wow, look at all those tabs.

- Wait, are you printing and watching a video?

- I don't know what I'm doing right now.

- [chuckles] Um, so hey, um...

our collective bad.

I could've sworn you had a gun.

Nope, that's a pager. You still got one of those.

- That's a common mistake.

So...

do you guys like 'shrooms?

Both: Yes, please.

- ♪ Catherine Zeta-Jones ♪

♪ She dips beneath the lasers ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

All: ♪ She has entrapped me ♪

♪ And Sean Connery ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Catherine Zeta-Jones ♪

♪ She dips beneath lasers ♪

♪ Ooh, oh ♪

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]