Original subtitles

I was early to finish, I was late to start.

I might be an adult, I'm a minor at heart.

Go to college, be a man, what's the fucking deal?

It's not how old I am, it's how old I feel.

Take your time, try not to forget, we never will.

We're just a minor threat.

We're just a minor threat.

Thank you Ian.

So I'm gonna end tonight with a short one.

You know the other day I was watching this police beating video and I'm thinking to

myself, man if there's another riot, please don't burn down Bangkok.

So yeah, I wrote this song about the best Thai food in LA.

You can burn McDonald's, you can burn KFC.

But don't start a fire with the Bangkok tea.

You say it ain't a riot, it's a social movement.

But Bangkok duck ain't the place to make a statement.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

The sweet basil chicken is as good as fuck!

It's not black gold, but don't employ the S's.

They got the best fried rice, but you never taste it.

Chicken hat time, sweet iced tea.

Bangkok duck didn't beat you,

it was the LAPD!

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

The garlic pepper pork is as good as fuck!

I know you're all pissed, and you're gonna pull a calling

biter, get your ass away from my favorite Thai diner.

I know you're all pissed, and you're gonna pull a calling

biter, Get your rest away from my favorite Thai diner.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

Please don't burn, Bangkok duck.

The oyster sauce shrimp is as good as fine!

I'm Crystal Green, good night!

Keep it going, keep it going for my favorite rocker girl, Crystal Green!

Yeah!

Oh, she was incredible!

Listen, tomorrow night, link...

You can see the fireworks here.

The sun burns orange in the sky.

This time of year.

You see the stars when it's clear.

A corner moon on a quiet street tonight.

And I feel like I did something right.

Hey, so what did you think?

Hey, you were great!

Really good.

I'm not so sure, I'm not really feeling the whole duck song thing.

But the minor threat, that was rockin'.

You hungry?

Oh, I'm really tired.

I got a long drive tomorrow.

Yeah, um, about that.

I'm gonna give you these last two weeks.

And if you don't come back with a hit, we're gonna have to license something.

I know.

You sure your car's gonna make it?

My car's made it from every dive bar or coffee shop from here to Vermont.

Yeah, well, it's gonna take a dump one of these days.

Why don't you just take one?

Well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I'll figure something out.

I'll call Jason, borrow one from him.

He's always cool like that.

Mmm, drive a stick all the way up the hill?

Right there.

You're gonna have to grow up one of these days, learn how to drive a stick?

I'll learn when I get back.

Here, hand me that.

Well, I'll hold you to it.

Even if it does cost me a new clutch.

It was seven hours till sunup.

Bombs and tracers lit up the night sky.

Fear covered our faces.

Wilson told me again that night about Indiana.

His wife and his sons.

No.

It wasn't the bombs that kept me awake that night.

It was Wilson.

He kept on talking about Indiana.

His wife and his sons.

It was our first night there.

War paint.

Fear covered our faces.

This is war.

This isn't my grandfather's war.

Or my father's war.

This is my war.

I thought about all the guys from the academy.

And how many of them wouldn't make it back home.

Well,

I'm nobody special.

Just another burnout.

I thought I'd be the guy who's left behind.

Here we go again.

Break down to the...

Um, hi.

Uh, this is 1144.

Sure is.

Yeah, um...

I'm staying here.

Well, it's a good thing I didn't run you over or I'd be rooming with the dead guy.

Rooming?

I'm kidding.

When you checking out?

Yeah, I just checked in last night.

I'm booked here for two weeks.

Right.

I'm not kidding.

Well, is there a guest house in the back?

Or is this a duplex?

Um, nope.

Are you with your family?

Girlfriend?

Boyfriend?

It's just me.

Well, it's a two bedroom, right?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is that for some sort of musical instrument?

Yeah.

Why, do you play?

A little guitar, but... Oh, you mean the ukulele?

No, I mean I play guitar once in a while.

I know what you meant.

Okay, well, listen, you can't come inside.

Well, I'm not car camping this vacation.

All right, well, let me call the landlord and I'll figure out what's going on.

Well, all right, but I'm pretty sure I figured out what's going on.

We've been double bucked.

Oh, no thanks.

I'll carry everything inside myself.

I don't want a refund.

I want this fixed.

Get me a refund.

You don't have anywhere she could stay?

Excuse me?

I'm not leaving.

You find another place.

I'm settled in.

Well, you better find one.

Just call me back at this number.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry, didn't catch your name.

Hi, I'm Scott.

Crystal.

So, where's my room?

I don't know.

I mean, this is my room.

This is the master's.

Well, why?

Because you are here first?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure those have been the rules since, like, third grade.

Okay, well, my cell's not working, so can I use your phone?

Uh, yeah, okay, that's fine.

Thanks.

It's just that...

Hey, what's up?

Uh, I'm just gonna go get some food.

I brought some cookies.

More than welcome to have a few.

Yeah.

Great.

Sounds good.

You are welcome.

New guests?

Who are they, Ray-Ray?

Newlyweds.

Really?

Honeymooning in Lake Ojai?

No, they've been together for about six months.

But why did they drive up separately?

Maybe their lover's having a lusty affair.

No, I think he's on call.

He may have to pack up and leave on a moment's notice.

You are so good at this.

Thank you, darling.

Hey!

Hey!

I see old people.

Did you hear me, Scott?

I said I see old people.

Totally checking me out.

So what?

Wonder what they're hoping to see.

Anything too sexy and the old man's gonna have a heart attack.

Of course.

The wife might split the insurance money with us.

You know, if you plan to kill him, I think that's premeditated murder.

You're no fun.

Scott?

Is that a statement or a question?

Question.

Shoot.

Wanna go for a walk?

Um...

Show you my boobs.

Is that gonna cause a heart attack?

Well, if it does, I'm totally taking over this room.

It is way better than mine.

So, wanna go or not?

Yeah, sounds fun.

I don't know about fun, but

it'll get us out of here.

Haven't seen you leave your room for hours.

Okay.

So, what's the water like?

Oh, I don't think you're supposed to go in there.

No, no, really, I think it's full of leeches or something.

Dude, you really live on the edge.

Well, I am base jumping in the morning.

So, you're a musician?

A singer?

Yep.

Are you in a band?

Just me.

Crystal Green.

Crystal Green.

Crystal Green.

I can't say I've really heard of you.

Well, I'm sure there's a lot of people you haven't heard

of, but it doesn't mean we all suck.

You're right.

I'm sorry if I offended you.

I'm just messing with you.

God, you're uber sensitive.

Yeah.

So, does it, does it pay the bills?

Not enough to stop stripping.

Your dad must be real proud of that.

Why would I care what my dad thinks?

Oh, I don't know, because he's your dad?

Well, what if my dad's a real jerk, you know?

What if the bastard diddled little boys?

Is your dad a pedophile?

No way.

He's way into the pussy.

What about you?

What about me?

You into boys or girls?

Girls.

Of the adult variety.

I didn't take you for gay.

Quiet, shy, boring, but not gay.

Well, would it bother you if I was gay?

Mm-mm.

So, why are you really here all by yourself, since we both

know you're too much of a sissy to be base jumping?

I'm writing.

Me too.

A book.

Well, words are just words, right?

I mean, you write them down and someone reads them.

I write them down and I sing them.

Yeah, because a great novel is just a couple words and punctuation marks away from

your typical thrasher song.

Well, there are songs that change the way people feel

about love and war and racism or the economy.

I'm sorry, you're just not going to convince me that a band is doing the Lord's work

with some song lyrics.

Don't know about that.

I mean, the first time I listened to the song Hope by the

Descendants, I was pretty blown away.

You know, there are guys that just can't deal with all their

hormones and angst and then they hear a song and it sets them straight.

I bet it saved a lot of 16-year-olds from putting guns in their mouths.

Just saying.

Is that the phone?

Hello!

For you.

Hello?

Oh no, I was outside.

On a walk?

No, there are like killer bears out there.

I was with my roomie.

He's like the sister I never had.

Totally not my type.

So who's on the phone, Ray Ray?

Her mother.

Oh, checking in on their second honeymoon.

It's not a second honeymoon.

It's a reconciliation.

He's fresh out of rehab.

Rehab?

For, um, for gambling addiction.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sex addiction.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Scott?

Are you sleeping?

Not anymore.

What's up?

You, for one.

I didn't disturb you, did I?

No, I was sleeping.

You always sleep with a boner?

It's a nightstick.

Oh, you don't have a girlfriend, do you?

No, not really.

But you're not a virgin, right?

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Well, I figure you're like 30, right?

So you've at least gotten laid once in your life.

I was in the military.

Iraq.

Well, I didn't ask if you knocked boots with a camel.

I was seeing if you ever went all the way with a chick.

All the way with... what is this, junior high?

Well, you can have your peace and quiet.

My date is over.

He gives great phone.

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Were you in here playing with your monkey?

I was out there playing with mine, too.

Oh, and it's good to know that, um, even with all that estrogen, Mr.

Happy still functions.

Actually, his name is El Jefe.

El Jefe?

Nothing.

Didn't look like nothing to me.

I'm guessing you're swinging a decent five-incher.

Yeah, well, five inches is the new eight inches.

Oh, a sense of humor.

I like that.

Great.

Now I'm the funny sister you never had.

Good night, Scott.

Ditto.

That was rude.

What?

Ditto.

Look, Crystal, it's really late, I'm really tired, and I'm really sorry.

Okay.

Good night, Scott.

Good night.

Crystal.

Crystal.

What?

Say, good night, Crystal.

Didn't I just mention I was tired?

Actually, you said you were really tired.

Good night, Crystal.

You have any sisters?

No.

Brothers?

Nope.

Yeah, I can tell.

You have that only child complex.

I had five brothers.

Five?

Yep.

Michael, Marlon, Tito, Jackie, and Jermaine.

Dad used to give us a whoopin'

every time we screwed up our dance routines.

Listen, are you on some sort of medication?

Michael was my favorite.

Actually, he was everyone's favorite.

Yeah.

You know, he used to babysit my nephew.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The funny thing was, he paid us.

Wait.

Dude, you can't have a nephew.

You're an only child.

Well, you can't have brothers named Tito and Jermaine.

You're like whiter than a Klan rally.

Whatever!

Where are you from, anyway?

Ugh.

Good night, Crystal.

Fine.

Good night, Scott.

I'm from Pomona.

Good morning!

Are you and Mr. Happy ready for breakfast?

I mean, el jefe.

Bacon, eggs, and toast.

I'm a vegetarian.

Vegan or vegetarian?

I don't eat dead animals.

Well, what about aborted chicken fetuses?

That's a negative.

Toast and coffee, then?

Okay, that sounds good.

Just give me five minutes, okay?

Oh, is that how long it takes to rub one out?

I seriously need to start locking my door.

Dude, you should be thanking me.

That's about as much action as you're going to get this entire vacation.

What about a cheeseburger?

It still died.

But it's so good?

Maybe.

With grilled onions on it?

Super delish.

You're right.

You should maybe think about trying it.

You know, you're right.

I mean, here I am.

I've been a vegan for, what, ten years?

But sure, why not try a cheeseburger because it has onions on it?

How old are you again?

Four?

Yeah.

You're real cute.

Bacon.

Is there bacon?

Yep.

I'm getting good at this, Ray.

She's a lousy cook.

Really?

How can you tell?

He hasn't touched a thing but the toast.

So, what's your book about?

Life.

Death.

Brotherhood.

Mafia?

Military.

I'm not really a big fan of war.

But what, you're a big fan of the mob?

Totally.

Yo, why, Mikey?

Well, you got some fire protection on that place of yours on 82nd, huh?

And what about that pretty little wife of yours?

You got some rape insurance on that broad?

I should write a book.

Yeah.

Yeah, you should.

You don't gotta be a sarcastic dick about it.

If you wanna write a book, you don't need my approval.

Just do it.

Maybe I will.

I mean, I've written some great tunes.

One book can't be that hard.

Yeah.

Cause Stephen King, Mick Jagger, it's practically the same guy.

Oh, yeah!

Really?

He's a real comedian.

She can barely contain herself.

Women like a man with a sense of humor.

Yeah.

You know, I looked you up on the internet.

Oh, yeah?

What'd you find?

Well, are you in a cover band or something?

Nope.

Cause all the stuff I heard was you covering other people's work.

Oh.

Boyfriend.

Also, my producer likes to put up stuff that other people will recognize.

How's that working out for you?

I hate it, really.

But he's the rock and roll genius.

Huh.

So you're up here, what, to write some original material?

Yeah, you know, I want people to like me for my stuff.

All that other shit can be... Bonus material.

Exactly.

I'm not gonna lie, I've written a bunch of crap.

Yeah.

You and me both.

I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.

Yeah, well, hopefully this getaway is what we both need.

Anyway, speaking of needs... I gotta get back to work.

You staying out here?

For a little bit.

Okay.

Well, thanks for breakfast.

Oh, no problem.

You saved me from the leeches.

I owed you.

All right.

Crystal.

Yo.

Um, I just spoke with the rental agency.

Things aren't looking too good.

I guess the only hotel I know... All nearby is 40 miles away and

it's closed for the whole season, so.

..

Looks like we're stuck here for a few days.

That's cool.

Hey, can I make a request?

Yeah, as long as it's not Stairway to Heaven.

Well, we're out here roughing it.

I thought we could bust out the old kumbaya.

You know, I found a plastic bucket that we could substitute in for a bongo.

Have a little jam session.

Um, I don't know.

I...

Um, do you think you could play the song.

.. Hope?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think you'd teach me to play that?

Sit down.

Come here.

All right, so...

Your first finger goes, you know, second fret, sixth string.

Okay.

It's three-two room But nobody sleeps in the afternoon

Phone not working?

I unplugged it.

Great.

Sorry, I needed the internet.

Porno?

No.

Come on, when's the last time you saw a pair of dirty pillows?

Uh, this morning, actually.

I don't mean internet porn.

I mean a real pair of live snack baskets.

Well, I don't know if they were real, but they were definitely live.

Whose?

Yours.

No way.

Way!

We were at the breakfast table.

You leaned over.

Your shirt was open.

Listen, I didn't try to look.

30 is too early to be a dirty old man.

Well, you know, it wasn't entirely my fault.

You could have worn a bra.

What was that for?

She pulled down his pants.

Let me see.

What do you want to see that for?

I showed you mine.

You show me yours.

Hardly.

What?

Well, you got to see, like, the X-rated version of me.

I only got to see PG-13.

He went into the room.

He went into the room?

She came on too strong or he's gay.

But they're married.

They call it a beard.

Are you off the phone?

The shizzle.

Great.

Can I have it back then?

Why don't we just leave it out here?

Court seems long enough.

Well, I just don't want to trip over it.

Don't want to injure yourself before your base jump.

Right.

Thank you.

So, why let it go high?

I can't see nothing.

They're doing it?

We need to see if they opened that window in the back.

Maybe we can get a view through that.

Come on.

I was on vacation a couple years ago and I got lost.

I ended up here.

I figured if I ever need a place to get away, this would be it.

What about you?

Looked at a map.

Seemed far enough away from home.

What's wrong at home?

Oh, I just wanted to do this alone.

You know, no one's steering me in this direction or that one.

So, who are you on vacation with?

Myself.

That's lonely.

Well, you're by yourself.

I'm working, alright?

Of course, you're working.

I forgot.

I forgot.

When's the last time you had a girlfriend?

Um, six years maybe?

Damn.

It's not that bad.

Uh, six years is a long time.

You lost your game.

You probably forgot how to seduce a chick.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I need to watch a movie or

read a book or something.

Yeah, you should see Say Anything.

John Cusack had some game in that.

And you don't like your job?

Not really.

So this book is it, huh?

I mean, it's your life.

Sad.

Well, I don't know.

What's sad about that?

Well, I mean, even if it does become a big hit, what's gonna change?

Not like authors have groupies, so you'll still be this lonely

guy, but you won't have anything to do.

Well, maybe I'll write another book.

But don't you want more?

I mean, what?

Groupies?

Drugs?

Illicit sex parties?

I'm just pointing out what's obvious to me.

You're a lonely man, dude.

Hey.

Hey.

Um, listen, I'm gonna go down to the lake and grow some rocks

or stones or something.

Hey, want some company?

No, no, that's fine.

You stay here and play as loud as you like.

All right.

Five skips.

Damn, you finally found something you're good at.

You decided to join me, huh?

Yeah, I figured it would be pretty tragic to let a lonely soul kill himself before

he finished his book.

Couldn't let that happen.

Thanks.

Extreme stone skipping.

What?

You know how everything's extreme these days?

From bicycles to cola.

Extreme new pizza crust.

Yeah.

Ah, and that's all on the wrist.

Yep, and yours is a lot stronger than mine.

No girlfriend for six years.

Extreme jacking off.

So who taught you how to play guitar?

Hendrix.

Not really.

Seriously?

Mark Hendrix.

No relation.

Guy played for my mom's church.

He's probably rolling over in his grave.

Maybe he's dead.

Who taught you how to write?

John Steinbeck.

I am picturing a slightly heavy,

not-so-masculine English teacher.

He's a writer.

Oh.

Wait, he wrote that movie with, uh, James Dean.

Um, Eden.

East of Eden.

No, but, I mean, he wrote the book that the movie was based on.

What else did he write?

Grapes of Wrath.

Did they make that into a movie, too?

Hm.

Must be pretty good, then.

Well, if you're not going skinny dipping, I'm gonna head back to the cabin.

See ya.

Don't get lost.

Did they make that into a movie, too?

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're eating my candy?

First of all, I ate a piece of what-you-call-candy.

Not-so-crazy-delicious, by the way.

And then I got on your computer, you know, just to download some farm girl porn,

you know, like chicks with donkeys and stuff, and... Wait, wait, wait.

You're going through my work?

You know that my amp has batteries?

Excuse me?

Yeah, so if there's a power outage up here, I can still play.

Listen, you're not gonna change the subject and make me forget

that you're invading my personal space.

I just...

You gonna get that?

Oh, the phone.

Sure.

Hello?

Yes, this is him.

Right.

Okay.

No, because...

No, we're gonna need... You're gonna have to keep

looking, because this is not a vacation.

I mean, granted, it's not Guantanamo Bay, but we're gonna

need some help with other accommodations.

All right, thank you.

Bye.

Well, they haven't found anything yet.

Looks like we're gonna be roaming together for a while.

Could be worse, right?

Yeah.

Well, at least you bunch of idiots know what to do here.

Hey, listen.

Do you mind keeping it down in there?

If the music's too loud, you're too oooooold!

Hmm...

Bye pal.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

I mean, I said to fuck off already.

I was gonna say it.

Yeah?

The phone!

What about it?

Give me your keys!

Now might be a good time to introduce ourselves.

Whoever it is, they'll call back.

Scott, what if there's like an emergency and I need the phone?

Give me your keys, Humpty Grumpty!

I'll be back in a few, okay?

Scott, wait!

Oh no, Scott!

Oh God, you killed the old man!

Oh my God!

Now Nate, are you okay here?

Don't move him!

I think I might have crapped my pants.

Oh gosh, I am so, so sorry.

Can someone help me up for Christ's sake?

The buzzards are starting to circle!

Thanks.

That's the least he could do after he practically killed you.

A little car wreck can't hurt this old marine.

Oh, Scott's almost for his kill as a fellow serviceman.

You served?

Sir, yes sir.

Uh, look.

Let's not get all nostalgic.

I don't think he's got a whole lot of G.

I.

Joe in him.

E.M.?

Comms.

Oh, so you spent all your time messing around with radios.

Hardly call that a soldier.

Oh, and then you find out he was in the Air Force.

Chair Force!

No wonder he couldn't kill me.

So if you want, I can get back in the car and try it again.

Scott.

What?

The phone.

Oh, Jesus.

No, it's probably Richard's.

Richard?

Who's Richard?

Her boyfriend.

You mean you two aren't... No.

Keys?

They're in the car.

That's a mighty fine woman you're shacking up with.

Oh, yeah.

She's, uh, she's quite a handful.

Uh, so, uh, you want to go fishing?

Fishing?

I, you know, I'm not really an outdoorsy kind of guy.

Oh, come on, you almost killed me for Christ's sake.

The least you can do is join me on the shore for a few.

Yeah, I can't argue with that.

Great.

Well, uh, I'll hold off and put on some clean pants.

See you in 15.

Adventure's my middle name.

Trust me, time goes by a lot faster when you're fishing.

I mean, I don't eat them.

Why catch them?

Well, you can try a catch and release if you want to.

Does the fish enjoy that?

Ah, but once you hook them, it's tough to let them go.

You just want to cook them up.

Yeah.

The taste of a freshly killed animal.

Yeah.

I'm doing this as a favor, actually.

By fishing, I'm depleting the population so they don't overeat and then starve.

I mean, yeah, but I guess a fish could always just move

on to another area once it's been depleted.

Come on, baby.

Chomp down hard.

Fishing's a real fun sport.

Ah, geez.

I know.

Think so?

You know that East of Eden was a book?

Scott?

Yeah, the guy I'm sharing the cabin with?

He mentioned it.

Well, I couldn't care less, really.

That's it?

What do you mean, that's it?

Well, I just don't think you got a war story there.

Sounds like you spent your time in the service without a rifle in your hand.

Hey, it wasn't totally safe.

I mean, I heard some IEDs go off.

I saw some casualties.

Oh, now I'm scared.

You know, maybe you'd catch a good idea if you'd pick up that fishing pole.

Howdy.

Howdy-ho.

How was fishing?

Ah, I think I like skipping rocks better.

Hey, listen, we've got dinner

with the old folks tonight.

For Le Mignon.

Your favorite.

Yeah.

So I thought we'd be having some fish these adventure junkies caught.

Nobody's ever caught a fish in that lake.

You've never caught any fish?

Well, some got away, but they ate my bait.

How long have you been fishing?

Here?

Ten years.

I also hunt wild turkey.

Hasn't brought home nothing but a honey-baked ham for the past six Thanksgivings.

Scott shot a tofurkey once.

Oh, I understand that you're a writer?

Yeah, I'm working on a novel.

Oh, I just, I love books.

Novels, instructions, road signs.

Ain't nothing written down that I have any need to read.

Yeah, I figure if the best books are made into movies so they don't make it to the

screen, they'd probably suck ass.

Finally, a woman with some sense.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So you think Scott would like some leftovers?

He doesn't eat meat.

He usually keeps it a secret because he doesn't want to seem like a weirdo.

Excuse me.

Well, aren't you a delight.

Ray hasn't cleared the table since the 80s.

Well, I remember you saying this place could only accommodate the

two of you, so I thought this was the least I could do.

Thank you.

Just trying to be a good neighbor.

Yeah, actually running over her husband is pretty neighborly.

She did take out an insurance policy on the old man, you know.

Well, if you remember correctly, I actually tried to hit the both of them.

You get triple points that way.

He is such a nice boy.

Yeah, he is.

So, you two been getting it on?

What?

Oh, you mean getting along?

No, sweetie.

I mean getting it on.

Okay.

No, I actually have a nice guy at home.

A nice guy would not let somebody like you come up here by themselves.

This is bear country, you know.

Really?

Bears?

I just needed a break from him.

He's a good guy, though.

He wants the best for me.

But...

See, if I were you, I'd be getting me some vacation sex.

With the one who likes me for who I am.

Now, granted, to him, you're the only available lady in 60 miles.

Why don't you take what you can get?

Oh, boy.

You'll be so sorry if you don't do it when you hit my age.

Well, leave me.

All right, then.

So, I think you're finally gonna get lucky tonight.

What about Richard?

Not me.

Beth Ann.

She's been checking you out.

You think she wears dentures?

You tired?

No, not really.

You wanna sit down and listen to the crickets with me?

Yeah.

You know, you've really been getting a lot of work done.

Wait, are you, like, mocking me here, or what?

No, I'm serious.

I've been watching you writing and seeing how focused you are.

It's humbling.

Thanks.

I mean, I'm just trying to write, you know, 60,000 words here.

I mean, it's not really some greeting card, so...

I don't know.

I just...

I want to say something important, you know?

And I think it takes a lot of words to do that.

I love you.

See?

Three words.

I mean, I could have babbled all night.

You still wouldn't know how I felt.

It doesn't take a book's worth of words.

Just three.

I...

Oh, you know I was totally joking about the I love you, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, um...

I guess you proved your point.

Thank you.

I mean, we're writers, Scott.

You, me, John Steinbeck.

Neil Diamond.

Ice Cube.

Maybe if you do fall in love someday, you won't need 6,000 words to say it.

Maybe you'll just need three.

Let's go.

Do you know what time it is?

It's breakfast time for fish.

Listen, are you sure there's even fish in that lake?

Come on.

All right, fine.

But I'm letting you know right now, I am not killing anything.

Hey, just grab the bucket and get your ass in gear.

So how was it last night?

How was what?

You didn't get any?

She has a boyfriend.

But you told Beth Ann things were a little rocky.

Really?

I don't think my wife lies to me.

Yeah, but you lied to me, right?

I mean, you told me there was fish in the lake.

I don't know if you've noticed, but we've been out here a long

time and we haven't gotten one single bite.

I'm getting plenty of nibbles.

Nibbles?

Yeah.

Hey, how do you expect to catch a lady like Crystal?

Think that book's gonna do it?

I'm not writing a book to get girls.

Oh, sure you are.

Men do everything for that reason.

But a guy like you, he probably never went out on a limb to get a girl.

Always took the easy route.

Trust me, most women, they aren't impressed with a shy mama's boy.

But maybe if your book's really good and becomes a movie,

ladies could get into that.

I knocked.

Well, in that case, come on in.

I've got some drinks for the boys.

You wanna come down?

And you can play for them.

Oh, don't you think all the noise will scare the fish?

There's no fish in that lake.

Come on, let's get your stuff.

But you know, if you were to enroll in a course in community college, you

know, just for like a hundred bucks, you could learn something.

I don't want to sit in some classroom listening to a professor reading some book.

Okay.

So then you can't really say that your biggest regret in life isn't going to college.

All right.

Do you have any other regrets in life?

If you say marrying me, I'll run you over.

Hello, ladies.

You're not gonna be able to play that thing down here.

Psst.

You know that thing?

If you'd gone to college, it's called a guitar.

Well, there's no place to plug it in.

That's because it has batteries.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, shh.

Did you just do that?

Do what?

Tug my line.

How the hell would I do that?

Shit, I think I got something.

Reel it in.

No, no, slow down.

You're gonna tug the hook out.

You gotta go faster than that.

You gotta walk it along.

Dude, don't you know how to fish?

Holy fish stick.

Oh, gross.

I told you the fish were biting today.

Uh, can we take a picture of it, you know, before I let it go?

Let him go?

Well, yeah.

I'm a vegan.

You know what, Bethann?

We need to go to the market to get some lemons.

Get that knife and kill it.

Excuse me.

I thought we were doing the whole catch and release thingy.

Are you dead set on breaking my wife's heart?

First you try to kill me, and now you want to throw away your dinner.

All right, fine.

But...

Look, I'm only keeping this so that, you know,

we can protect the other species in the lake.

You really are a sappy one, aren't you?

Man, I thought catching a fish was good luck.

Well, if it was good luck, you and that little vixen would be in the same bed.

Hmm?

Wow, the fog sure rolls in fast.

Well, this is how it is around here.

He's a nice looking fella.

I know.

But I'm not usually into the book reading type.

He's got a nice body, too.

Think so?

Yeah, there's a window and a shower, and I've gotten a peek.

Nice package, too.

Really?

You can see all that?

I've even watched him...

take care of himself.

No way.

Way.

Hey, Crystal, I'm back.

Feel free to play your music as loud as you like while I'm here.

I got you a present.

A present?

Yeah.

Really?

What for?

Well, as an apology for the other day, you know, the phone and the old man.

Oh, hey, listen, that's fine.

I don't mind at all.

My car's fine.

It's just the old man's hip that I'm worried about.

Something practical to deal with me.

Okay, what is it?

Headphones?

No.

A pistol?

An answering machine.

An answering machine.

Thank you.

How exciting.

Well, for you, it probably is exciting.

Hey, listen, you should have seen me today.

I mean, I was out there.

I was doing it.

I was on the lake.

Yeah, well, I had to ride shotgun with Grandma.

Woman drives like shit.

So why didn't you drive?

Uh, because I like to live on the edge.

Oh.

Plus, have you seen the gas prices up here?

Yeah, I have.

Why'd you blow your cash on an answering machine?

Well, because I'm going to return it when we leave.

Duh.

Hi, this is Scott.

I'm not available to take your call, so please go ahead and leave your name and

number, and I'll get right back to you.

Thanks.

You didn't mention me.

Sorry.

Hi, this is Scott and Crystal.

We're not here to take your call, so please leave your name

and number, and one of us will get right back to you.

Thanks.

Happy?

Well, when you say Scott and Crystal, you're making it sound like we're a couple.

What do you mean?

Say something like, Hi, this is Scott.

I'm not here, and Crystal can't get to the phone, so leave

your name and number and the appropriate person.

We'll get back to you.

Why don't you just do it?

Oh, because I'm against answering machines.

But you just bought one.

Oh, okay.

I'm not against the machine.

I'm against the message.

I mean, anyone who doesn't know what to do after the beep, I don't want to talk to.

It's because we have to leave instructions for every caller.

I agree with you.

Why don't we just give

society the finger and not leave a message at all?

No, I'll play by society's rules until I can afford not to.

Just leave the next message, and I swear I'll be cool with it.

Okay.

All right.

Take three.

Okay.

Hi, this is Scott.

Crystal here.

Crystal's not available, but if this is her quote-unquote

boyfriend, she really, really misses you.

And her vibrators are threatening to take a strike, so you should probably get

here pretty quickly.

You went through my stuff?

What?

No, I didn't go through your stuff.

You went through my stuff.

So how did you know about the vibes?

I was... I was joking.

Oh, so I'm the sex addict?

The guy who looks down my shirt, downloads porn all day, and beats up in the shower

calling me a pervert?

I don't... I don't even know.

I don't even know what we're talking about.

Oh, yeah, I know about you beating up the heifer in the

shower like he owes you money.

How do you know what I was doing in the shower?

Crystal?

Oh, my God.

Richard?

This isn't funny.

What is so goddamn funny?

Nothing.

It's just that you told me to go ahead and record any message I wanted.

Your old lady kicked you out?

You savages finished gutting that fish yet?

Us savages call it cleaning the fish.

You know, when I was nine years old, my mom told me that she put our dog to sleep.

I guess she figured a kid my age couldn't understand the concept of death.

And plus, she probably didn't want to admit that she ran over the dog.

But why are you telling me about this word cleaning the fish?

I mean, are you trying to convince me that it's not either dead or it's not dirty?

Shouldn't you two be out there enjoying the country air together?

I think we need a little time apart for now.

You're starting to like her.

Is it that obvious?

Yeah.

And next to Beth Ann, she's probably the best thing you'll find up here.

You thought about how you're going to win her over?

No, you don't win a woman over.

I mean, a girl either likes you or she doesn't.

That's bullshit.

What am I going to do, Raymond?

Give Crystal flowers?

Lay my jacket down in a puddle for her?

Come on.

She's going to see right through that BS.

I mean, this girl's awesome.

She's great.

And I... I don't know.

I wish there was a song or something that kind of...

said everything that I'm feeling.

It's not about a song.

You have to show her who you are.

I feel like she knows who I am, you know?

I mean, I'm Scott.

Smart, soft-spoken, be there for her when she needs me, dependable.

I'm not some guy that's just like, you know, trying to get her into bed.

She can sense that.

I don't know who's more crazy.

You for spilling your stinking guts, or me for not smacking you

upside the head for being so stupid.

I'm telling you, I mean, I'm talking, and she's listening,

and she gets it.

There's not a lot of chicks like that.

Well, maybe not to you.

And when she talks, even if it doesn't make sense, she just

kind of throws it out there, you know?

I mean, I love that.

A friend of yours?

Hey.

Hi-hi.

Hi there.

You must be Scott.

Yes, sir.

Richard.

Rich?

Raymond.

Yeah.

Yeah, heard about you.

Crystal inside?

Yeah.

All right.

That's a monkey wrench.

Are you gonna shower before dinner?

Sure.

Surprise.

I figured you'd been up here long enough that you'd probably

written a couple hits by now, and we could celebrate.

Oh.

What?

I know I hate that stuff.

Well, I mean, yeah, it's an acquired taste.

Yeah.

But you're gonna have to get used to it.

I mean, with the success coming your way, it's either this or cigars.

Gotta pick one.

Well, I'm not gonna change my taste just because I make some money, so...

So what is this, seriously?

What is this, something about a dinner tonight?

Oh.

We're eating at Beth Ann and Raymond's tonight.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Where's Scott?

In the bedroom.

Hey, Scott!

Are you coming?

Why does everything have to be a joke with you?

Ah, it's fine.

Whoa, dude.

Scott, I thought that you were a vegetarian.

I am.

Something different tonight?

Special occasion?

Well, uh, I killed the fish,

so I guess I gotta eat it.

Of course.

That's right.

So does that mean you'll be eating my bacon and eggs tomorrow morning?

Well, I said I'd eat the fish.

I didn't say I want to end up dead.

So, Crystal tells me that you're a writer.

Yeah, that's true.

What have you written?

Um...

I've written a few short stories that were published and a couple magazine

articles, but so far nothing substantial yet.

Well, you gotta start somewhere, right?

I mean, at least you're doing it.

Hats off to you.

I mean, I know a lot of cats out there that they just go around

talking about it, but they don't actually get it done.

I'm proud of you.

Good stuff.

Thanks.

Yeah.

So, how was the drive up here?

After the LA traffic?

It was great.

It's beautiful.

It was really nice.

And I didn't mean to come up here.

I hadn't planned on it, but when we talked on the phone and got

disconnected, it reminded me of

how much I missed you.

So I figured I'd come up, say hi.

Yeah.

Can't believe I busted it.

Guess that's what the security deposit is for.

Oh.

Oh.

Scott can fix it.

He was a communication expert in the Air Force, right?

Wow.

We got a soldier on our hands.

Hoorah!

Were you over there in Iraq?

Yeah.

How long?

Um, about two years.

No shit.

Two years?

Man, that's a long time.

Did you see any action?

In the chair force?

Well, I'm sure he's got a couple of stories to tell.

Bullfucking!

Uh, yeah, I have a few stories, but, uh.

..

Raymond here, he was a nom,

so... Really?

Yeah, and I've got some stories.

Maybe I have a book in my future.

Well, you better hurry up, because you ain't no spring chicken.

Huh.

Aren't you a little pistol?

Well...

Yeah.

Woo!

Yippee-yay-yay!

That's cute!

Big boy!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

So, how's the book?

Fifty thousand words.

You want my opinion?

Aren't you gonna give it to me anyway?

That's my pole you're fishing with, and you did run me over.

That's true.

Did you ever hear that opposites attract?

Really?

Yeah.

What do you think of Richard?

He's okay, I guess.

He's not a jerk?

No, not really.

Why?

Well, women like jerks.

Did you ever hear nice guys finish last?

Excuse me?

Nice guys finish last.

No, Raymond, I'm 32 years old and I've never in my life heard that expression.

I've also, of course, never heard of opposites attract.

Really?

No, not really, you crazy old goat.

I'm kidding with you.

Of course I've heard them.

Well, it's not very funny.

Maybe Richard has a sense of humor.

Although...

I did hear them last night.

Heard them what?

You know.

You listened to them?

I mean, it was kind of hard not to.

The walls were paper thin.

Whoa.

That really must have torn you to pieces, hearing the woman you

love getting it on with another guy.

Eh, it wasn't so bad.

You liked it?

No, I didn't like it.

I mean, I felt dirty.

I felt like I was spying.

Well, spying on people shows a huge difference.

Disrespect for society.

And for the laws of privacy.

Probably, yeah.

Well, that's heartache for you.

So, uh, do you make breakfast like this every day?

Not exactly like this.

You eat it all alone?

Well, Scott'll join me, but he usually doesn't eat much.

Just toast and coffee.

Why?

Because he's a vegetarian?

No, I mean...

Why do you eat breakfast with him every day?

Because he's alone, and I'm alone, and sometimes

two lonely people enjoy each other's company.

How much company?

Well, you met Bethann and Raymond.

They seem a little odd to you.

Um...

Well...

They just seem like normal country folks.

Well, country or not, they're swingers.

Scott and I swapped with them, so actually, I've been quite busy.

Ha, ha, ha.

You know, your sense of humor might go real far at a truck

stop, but you know what, I'll tell you what, missy, it doesn't work with me.

Oh, you don't think that's funny?

Because the last time Bethann and I did the nasty, she took out her

dentures and gummed my lady junk.

Oh, God.

You know, if there's a line you could cross when you're

joking around, you just crossed it.

That's sick.

Well, then don't accuse me of fucking some random guy.

I wouldn't exactly just call him some random guy.

Oh, what would you call him?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'd call him... I'd call him... I'd call him the guy that you

have breakfast with every day.

I'd call him the guy that you share an answering machine with.

With a pretty disgusting outgoing message, if I may say so myself.

Scott.

Scott.

Could you come in here and settle a little debate that we're having?

Uh, yeah, I'd say everything seems to go better with bacon.

Is there any hanky-panky going on between us?

I wasn't accusing you, man.

I, uh...

It was just a misunderstanding.

Yeah, well, listen.

You can put your mind at ease, because nothing has happened between us.

Yeah, I... I... I'm... I'm so...

Sorry the thought even ever went through my head, man.

I'm... my bad.

Thanks.

We're... we're cool.

Yeah, we're cool.

Yeah, we're... yeah, we're... I mean, we're... we're right on, man.

Well, it's not done yet, but you still want to hear it, right?

Absolutely.

Come on, let's hear it.

Constructive criticism?

You know me.

I'm always constructive.

Oh, we'll see.

They seem to be getting along.

It's probably just a post-coital glow.

Whatever that means.

I think I can stir the pot.

Do what you gotta do.

God, is it always this busy around here?

It's not that bad.

Come in!

Are you getting anything done?

Oh...

I'm so sorry for bothering you.

And I hope I'm not interrupting.

I just... I heard your music and it sounded so good.

Aw, I was just practicing.

Sit.

Good morning, Dick.

Please, it's Richard.

You just...

You just go ahead like I'm not even here.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Are you trying to rip off Pat Brown?

Well, maybe Pat Brown will let you play his song.

No, Pat Brown.

Pat Brown's the name of a song by the Vandals.

The Vandals?

Oh, well, that doesn't sound like a band that's gonna let you play their music.

Okay, look.

Play Pat Brown.

Ah!

So, do you want to be sued?

You know, I may not be a professional like you, but

they just didn't sound the same to me.

Okay.

Listen to this.

Now...

You hear that?

Yes.

Okay.

You hear that?

Yes.

Did that sound the same?

Yes.

The first one was an E-flat minor.

The second one was an F-sharp major.

All I'm saying is the two she played didn't sound the same.

Well, and I think they are the same thing.

I mean, an E-flat minor is the relative minor of F-sharp major.

I know.

You two should not be married.

Or not.

So...

Have you been working on any original tunes since you've been up here?

Well, I've got one about vehicular manslaughter on the elderly.

Ain't no love song, but it's called Running Over Raymond.

I like the sound of that one.

Scott!

Hey, buddy.

We could use your opinion.

We're listening to some new...

...hits.

Oh.

Music and me, I'm definitely not the one to ask.

Oh, I know.

There's a bar with a stage.

And it's right here in town.

Oh, great.

I could debut Running Over Raymond there.

Hey, listen.

Is there anyone at this bar that's going to be under 50?

I mean, I haven't hooked up once since I got here.

Oh, I've got to go get Raymond.

Oh, maybe you can hook up with him.

Buy him a beer or slip on my roofie.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to bring my recorder.

Could be worth something someday.

You know, bonus material.

Oh, of course, Scott.

Oh, you're a rock and roll genius.

So, I was going to tune up, but I don't think y 'all can tell the difference.

I'm Crystal Green, and I'm going to play a little song for

you I like to call Running Over Raymond.

How many points for the old man?

He's got a bad hip and a medical plan Back over his ass just to make sure he's dead

Cause I'm running over Raymond just like his wife said He lived through the

Depression and the World War 84

years old he's a dinosaur Running over Raymond he's just a speed bump Running over

Raymond his pants full of dump Cause I'm running over Raymond he's just a speed

bump Running over Raymond his pants full of dump On the seventh day before he took a

rest God created Raymond and not his best He beat polio and colon

cancer But he could not run The moment to be she lands So he

lived through the Depression

and the World War 84 years old he's a dinosaur Thank you.

I know it's not a Hemingway, but it's pretty fucking awesome, right?

I told you she was good.

Yeah, but kids these days, they write songs about anything.

It wasn't that big a dump.

It wasn't.

Did you say that you love me today?

They're pretty powerful words.

Any other three words?

Hey, you going somewhere?

Yeah, I gotta go get some peace and quiet.

Well, why don't you come over?

You can write at our place.

That's really nice, you guys,

but I gotta go someplace I can think.

I'm all done here.

Well, we're just gonna go to sleep.

We won't be bothering you.

You know, if I leave now, I can avoid traffic.

And who knows, maybe I can get my money back on this place.

You sure?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Drive safe.

Bethann, Raymond.

Yes?

Is everything okay?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Hey.

What's going on?

Scott left.

For good?

I don't know.

Where are you going?

I wanna know if he left his stuff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, if his stuff is in there, then he's coming back.

I know.

And if his stuff isn't in there, then he's not coming back.

Right.

Whoa, whoa, Crystal.

Why are you so obsessed with this guy?

I'm not obsessed.

I'm concerned.

You're concerned... about some random guy?

He's a friend.

A friend?

You don't know anything about him.

And you're acting like this.

I don't get it.

I mean, you... you just told me you love me.

What the fuck?

Fine.

If you wanna go in there, be my guest.

But if you do...

I'm outta here.

For good.

Guess I'm outta here.

Well, that's Scott.

I know the knock.

But it's impossible.

He drove away.

He changed his mind.

Now he's your guest.

Well, he can't see me.

He can't see me dressed like this, because I think he'll get the wrong idea.

Oh.

You get it.

All right, you son of a bitch.

I'm coming.

Keep your pants on.

Hold your goddamn horses.

You're no son of a bitch.

Hey, come on in.

We're just watching TV.

What's with all the boners around here?

Hey, Scott.

Yeah?

Are you going back up?

No.

You should.

Why's that?

Because she likes you.

Oh, and hey.

Do me a favor.

Teach her how to drive a stick.

Sure.

You could say I didn't know.

You could say I didn't care.

What happened to you?

Oh, I can't believe you look so young.

Yeah.

I didn't follow my dad's advice.

Which was?

Don't get old.

Mm.

What is that?

My guitar.

It's probably Richard.

He's gonna play our song.

Or maybe he wants to finish that argument

about E-flat, minor, major, whatever that was.

Can you just go chase him away with your nightstick?

Wait.

Oh my god.

It's Hope.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm Czech.

Alright.

Alright.

Stop it.

I get it.

But you're butchering my favorite song.

Please.

Just don't sing or say anything.

So why'd you come back anyway?

Oh.

I didn't come back for you.

I'm going base jumping in the morning.

Ugh.

You're too cute.

So what happens now, Ray-Ray?

They'll break up.

Scott will write a book about it.

It won't make it as a movie.

Nighty-night, Ray-Ray.

Night, Bethann.

The old man's got a bad hip and a medicare plan.

Back up his ass, make sure he's dead.

Running over Raymond just like his wife said.

Will he live through a depression and a world war?

84 years old, he's just a dinosaur.

I'm running over Raymond.

He's just a speed bump.

I'm running over Raymond.

He's just a speed bump.

I'm running over Raymond.

He's just a speed bump.

I'm running over Raymond.

His pants full of dung.

I'm running over Raymond.

Just a human speed bump.

I'm running over Raymond.

His pants full of dung.

I'm running over Raymond.

Just a human speed bump.

I'm running over Rayman, his pants full of dung I'm running

over Rayman, and that's at least ten points I'm running over

Rayman, I'm gonna crush his orthoradic joints