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1
00:01:48,752 --> 00:01:50,777
Oh, shit.
2
00:02:11,307 --> 00:02:12,467
You just got Wolfed.
3
00:02:13,376 --> 00:02:15,241
- What?
- That is an official trademark...
4
00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,007
...that I am
getting registered.
5
00:02:17,414 --> 00:02:20,383
It's a lot of stuff you gotta do,
hoops you gotta jump through.
6
00:02:20,583 --> 00:02:21,811
Gotta get on the Internet.
7
00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:26,182
Gotta go to some stupid-ass website
where you register a catch phrase.
8
00:02:26,389 --> 00:02:29,722
I wanted "Bam,"
but Emeril had taken it.
9
00:02:31,227 --> 00:02:33,354
I'm rambling, man.
Get up, man. Get up, man.
10
00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:38,164
Is the contender ready?
11
00:02:38,368 --> 00:02:40,768
- Ready.
- Is the gladiator ready?
12
00:02:42,939 --> 00:02:45,339
Three, two, one.
13
00:02:45,809 --> 00:02:47,401
Things are heating up for the Wolf.
14
00:02:47,977 --> 00:02:49,842
I just opened a Target in Reseda...
15
00:02:50,513 --> 00:02:53,243
...and my own brand of BBQ sauce.
16
00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:59,086
I'm calling it Wolf's BBQ Sauce,
available in regular and chipotle.
17
00:03:00,523 --> 00:03:02,753
You still going?
You still want more of this, man?
18
00:03:02,959 --> 00:03:04,950
I learned that in Oriental land.
19
00:03:05,161 --> 00:03:08,028
Whoa, yeah. U.S. A!
20
00:03:13,136 --> 00:03:16,037
They're so small anyway, from steroids.
21
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,123
A saber-tooth.
22
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:45,833
Amy Winehouse?
23
00:03:51,107 --> 00:03:52,301
Piss off.
24
00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:55,478
You don't wanna mess with
a bitch straight out of rehab.
25
00:03:56,279 --> 00:04:01,649
Listen, like the dinosaurs
being destroyed by the Ice Age...
26
00:04:01,851 --> 00:04:05,252
...you, too, will soon be extinct.
27
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:06,683
When?
28
00:04:06,890 --> 00:04:09,791
- How much time do we have?
- Bloody hell.
29
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,023
Just calm down.
Do you know you're speaking so fast...
30
00:04:13,229 --> 00:04:16,596
...I can't even hear, mate?
You're making my head hurt.
31
00:04:16,799 --> 00:04:18,699
Or maybe that was
the gasoline I drank.
32
00:04:18,902 --> 00:04:23,737
Oh, my God, it was good.
Oh, God, I love drinking gasoline.
33
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:26,204
It's excellent for the vocal cords.
34
00:04:26,409 --> 00:04:28,001
That's my little secret.
35
00:04:28,211 --> 00:04:30,509
- You're welcome.
- How much time do we have?
36
00:04:31,548 --> 00:04:33,277
Let me see.
37
00:04:33,483 --> 00:04:34,609
Hang on a bit.
38
00:04:36,085 --> 00:04:37,143
There we go.
39
00:04:38,187 --> 00:04:40,485
All right, let's have a look-see.
40
00:04:43,226 --> 00:04:44,818
Everyone's on Facebook.
41
00:04:45,028 --> 00:04:46,996
It says...
42
00:04:48,231 --> 00:04:54,170
...that the end of the world
will be August 29th, 2008.
43
00:04:57,674 --> 00:04:58,732
Oh, God.
44
00:05:01,844 --> 00:05:03,607
Bottoms up.
45
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,584
Sick.
46
00:05:53,262 --> 00:05:56,459
Mark my words, leather boy.
47
00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,630
Cave dweller.
48
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:01,429
Beaver hunter.
49
00:06:03,272 --> 00:06:08,073
Your doom lies with this.
50
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:14,272
- The crystal skull.
- That's right. Did your nibblies go tight?
51
00:06:14,484 --> 00:06:16,975
Yeah, they did. Just went up
inside you, didn't they?
52
00:06:26,129 --> 00:06:27,255
Oh, boy.
53
00:06:33,803 --> 00:06:36,704
I knew I shouldn't have
taken all those Ambien.
54
00:06:46,082 --> 00:06:49,950
Amy. Wake up, baby.
I just had the weirdest dream.
55
00:06:50,586 --> 00:06:52,053
Amy.
56
00:06:52,355 --> 00:06:53,788
What? What the...?
57
00:06:53,990 --> 00:06:57,357
Flava-Flav! Yeah, boy!
58
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,858
I've been giving your girl
the flavor of love.
59
00:07:00,063 --> 00:07:03,624
She's been sucking
my clock all night long.
60
00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:05,357
Get the hell out of here, Flava!
61
00:07:06,202 --> 00:07:08,500
I'm Flava-Flav!
62
00:07:12,408 --> 00:07:14,774
- What is that about?
- What?
63
00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:17,207
You said you didn't
wanna be in a relationship.
64
00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:20,708
I know, but Flava?
65
00:07:22,085 --> 00:07:23,712
Will...
66
00:07:25,455 --> 00:07:27,355
...I wanna take it to the next level.
67
00:07:32,662 --> 00:07:33,822
I love you.
68
00:07:35,598 --> 00:07:37,532
I like you too.
69
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:41,867
Oh, man.
70
00:07:43,206 --> 00:07:45,231
Look, you don't understand.
71
00:07:45,441 --> 00:07:47,875
I think the world is coming to an end.
72
00:07:48,911 --> 00:07:51,141
That's a way of saying
you have commitment issues.
73
00:07:53,082 --> 00:07:56,540
Unbelievable. Come on, Jojo.
74
00:07:59,355 --> 00:08:00,413
You're taking Jojo?
75
00:08:01,924 --> 00:08:02,913
Goodbye, Will.
76
00:08:05,428 --> 00:08:07,521
Are you still coming
to my Sweet 16 party?
77
00:08:08,097 --> 00:08:09,564
You're 25.
78
00:08:09,766 --> 00:08:12,234
- I never had one.
- Grow up.
79
00:08:39,295 --> 00:08:40,626
Yeah.
80
00:08:43,299 --> 00:08:46,166
- Hey.
- Yeah.
81
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,211
Amy, you came.
82
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:22,937
Come on.
83
00:09:23,739 --> 00:09:25,331
Oh, hey, Will.
84
00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:27,771
- Happy Sweet 16.
- Thanks.
85
00:09:28,344 --> 00:09:30,904
Take a look at these.
86
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,580
Oh, God.
87
00:09:35,384 --> 00:09:38,979
Hey, Will. It's your buddy, Dr. Phil.
88
00:09:42,525 --> 00:09:45,460
Hey, let me show you
why my frat brothers...
89
00:09:45,661 --> 00:09:48,528
...used to call me Dr. Phil-You-Up.
90
00:09:48,731 --> 00:09:50,756
Oh, hey, baby.
91
00:09:55,805 --> 00:09:58,467
Dyke. Come back here, I like it rough.
92
00:09:59,275 --> 00:10:02,108
Hey, Will, where's that
girlfriend of yours, Amy?
93
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,211
Don't let her get away.
94
00:10:04,413 --> 00:10:08,440
She's a real quality girl,
a real keeper, like that one.
95
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,346
Hey, come on back here, you whore.
96
00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:12,445
Thanks.
97
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,714
Yo!
98
00:10:16,192 --> 00:10:19,855
Let's prank his ass. He passed out.
99
00:10:29,238 --> 00:10:30,500
He's sleeping like a baby.
100
00:10:31,073 --> 00:10:33,837
We can put his hands in warm water.
101
00:10:35,311 --> 00:10:36,539
Or I have a better idea.
102
00:10:36,746 --> 00:10:39,476
- Call it.
- Tails.
103
00:10:42,251 --> 00:10:43,240
It is tails.
104
00:10:56,232 --> 00:10:57,756
Punch.
105
00:11:01,470 --> 00:11:03,062
What's up, baby?
106
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,606
Those guys are trying
to steal our booze.
107
00:11:05,808 --> 00:11:07,537
- What?
- We gotta get the alcohol...
108
00:11:07,743 --> 00:11:10,906
...so we can get the girls drunk
so we can finally get laid.
109
00:11:11,113 --> 00:11:12,444
I am McLover.
110
00:11:12,648 --> 00:11:14,912
- Yeah, I know.
- I am McLover.
111
00:11:15,117 --> 00:11:18,245
- Stop saying that.
- I am McLover.
112
00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:20,183
God, you are such a douche.
113
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:22,687
Yeah, fake ID, what?
114
00:11:23,192 --> 00:11:25,092
Just get the booze.
115
00:11:25,294 --> 00:11:27,387
Nobody tries to steal my Goldschl�ger.
116
00:11:27,596 --> 00:11:29,689
Shoot the target.
117
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,529
Lisa, how am I supposed to do that?
I don't even have a clear shot.
118
00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:47,539
- Curve the bullet.
- Say what?
119
00:11:48,184 --> 00:11:51,915
You can control the bullet
to go wherever you want.
120
00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,420
Don't tell him what to do. He's my man.
121
00:11:59,628 --> 00:12:01,721
Back off, bitch.
You don't want none of me.
122
00:12:07,136 --> 00:12:08,626
Shit.
123
00:12:10,006 --> 00:12:11,132
Get off of me.
124
00:12:19,849 --> 00:12:21,646
Come on, bitch.
125
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:38,992
Take that, bitch.
126
00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:46,633
How do you like that?
127
00:12:52,415 --> 00:12:55,316
Pretty little thing.
Oh, look at you laying there.
128
00:12:55,518 --> 00:12:59,045
I should kiss you. Give me a kiss, baby.
129
00:13:16,038 --> 00:13:17,835
Left foot, yellow.
130
00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:20,508
Calvin?
131
00:13:20,709 --> 00:13:22,370
Calvin.
132
00:13:22,578 --> 00:13:25,547
- Are you gonna curve the bullet or what?
- Hello?
133
00:13:26,148 --> 00:13:28,582
Yeah. Yeah, right, right.
134
00:13:32,254 --> 00:13:34,814
Let's go back to my hot tub.
You can suck on my...
135
00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,221
- Damn.
- Sorry, Phil.
136
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:47,002
Shit. I can... I can do this.
137
00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:55,072
- Shit. Hurry up.
- Dude.
138
00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:58,406
Just curve the bullet.
139
00:13:58,614 --> 00:14:00,775
I know you have the power.
140
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,559
Fucking hurry up. Hurry up.
141
00:14:23,139 --> 00:14:24,572
Nice shot, asshole.
142
00:14:32,548 --> 00:14:35,745
Juney, why won't you
Have an abortion?
143
00:14:35,951 --> 00:14:39,011
You're not exactly part of
The Christian Coalition
144
00:14:39,221 --> 00:14:43,555
I could just grab a wire hanger
And do it myself
145
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:48,889
Like Jamie Lynn Spears
I'm keeping this baby
146
00:14:49,098 --> 00:14:52,226
And, look, stud
You are no George Clooney
147
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:57,064
In fact, I just sold the baby
To the highest bidder on eBay
148
00:15:01,977 --> 00:15:05,105
You're a sarcastic teen
Who talks like she's 30...
149
00:15:20,262 --> 00:15:22,492
- Think Amy's coming tonight?
- Man, I don't know.
150
00:15:22,698 --> 00:15:24,723
That's your girlfriend.
151
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,492
Actually, we broke up.
152
00:15:26,702 --> 00:15:29,034
Oh, you want some new booty.
153
00:15:29,238 --> 00:15:30,466
- A little Asian freak.
- No...
154
00:15:30,673 --> 00:15:33,039
A little "One Night in Bangkok,"
a little sake-sake.
155
00:15:33,242 --> 00:15:36,177
I saw Memoirs of a Geisha.
I know that shit goes on.
156
00:15:36,378 --> 00:15:38,346
I'm in love with her.
157
00:15:38,547 --> 00:15:40,640
Then what your dumb ass
break up with her for?
158
00:15:40,849 --> 00:15:42,612
It never would've worked out.
159
00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:45,048
It's better to end it
than to end up hurting her.
160
00:15:45,254 --> 00:15:47,950
You know what?
You got commitment issues, dog.
161
00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:51,183
Well, I didn't exactly have
the best example growing up.
162
00:15:51,393 --> 00:15:53,793
I never even knew my dad.
He split when I was young.
163
00:15:55,931 --> 00:15:58,058
That's your girl right there.
164
00:16:01,704 --> 00:16:02,898
Who's that dude she with?
165
00:16:03,105 --> 00:16:06,199
She started dating some
Calvin Klein underwear model.
166
00:16:10,713 --> 00:16:13,580
Forget about her, man.
I got something that'll cheer you up.
167
00:16:17,553 --> 00:16:20,545
Dude, what is up
with the marching band?
168
00:16:20,756 --> 00:16:23,554
What better way to celebrate
your super-duper Sweet 16...
169
00:16:24,159 --> 00:16:25,751
...than with a high school musical?
170
00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:38,697
Tonight, tonight
We're gonna get real crunk
171
00:16:38,907 --> 00:16:42,536
Tonight, tonight,
A bum's peeing in the punch
172
00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:51,616
Hello, my friends
You're all at my party
173
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:55,847
It's so good to see all of you
174
00:16:56,058 --> 00:17:00,085
My ex-girl, Amy
And my main man, Calvin
175
00:17:00,296 --> 00:17:04,198
And the priest that molested me too
176
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,097
That reminds me
Of the time I was in college
177
00:17:08,304 --> 00:17:10,864
I was experimenting
178
00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:16,205
Hooking up with a hot
Foreign-exchange student
179
00:17:16,412 --> 00:17:20,314
I think his name was Hop Sing
180
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:24,647
We'll all be friends forever
181
00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:28,983
Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city
182
00:17:29,191 --> 00:17:32,957
We'll all be friends forever
183
00:17:33,162 --> 00:17:38,031
Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty
184
00:17:39,034 --> 00:17:41,127
One, two, three, four
185
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:45,367
After we split
I took the break-up real hard
186
00:17:45,574 --> 00:17:49,738
- I started foolin' around
- Foolin' around
187
00:17:49,945 --> 00:17:53,779
I did a black dude
I thought he was Kanye
188
00:17:53,982 --> 00:17:57,679
And the Jonas Brothers all got down
189
00:17:57,886 --> 00:18:01,822
Now that you're split
I'll get her hooked on the reefer
190
00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:06,358
Yeah, I'll start pimping her out
191
00:18:06,562 --> 00:18:09,030
- Wait, what?
- Hey, hey, now.
192
00:18:09,431 --> 00:18:12,696
Snoop Dogg's got nothin' on this playa
193
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:17,770
I'll get the first prize at the Playa's Ball
194
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,870
Hey, hey, man, whoa!
195
00:18:21,076 --> 00:18:24,409
Yeah, it's going on and on
We can do it all day long
196
00:18:24,613 --> 00:18:27,741
It's the new phenomenon, whoa!
197
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:31,852
Yeah, it's going on and on
It's the new phenomenon
198
00:18:33,122 --> 00:18:36,990
We'll all be friends forever
199
00:18:37,192 --> 00:18:40,855
Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city
200
00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:44,965
We'll all be friends forever
201
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:50,002
Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty
202
00:18:51,206 --> 00:18:53,367
One, two, three, four
203
00:18:53,575 --> 00:18:56,305
J.T.'s here. J. T!
204
00:18:59,815 --> 00:19:01,339
Oh, babe
205
00:19:03,051 --> 00:19:05,747
If I sang you a melody
206
00:19:05,954 --> 00:19:10,414
Would you toss me
Your panties?
207
00:19:17,299 --> 00:19:18,891
I don't mean to be a boastful man
208
00:19:19,101 --> 00:19:21,126
But I've done groupies
in my touring van
209
00:19:21,336 --> 00:19:23,201
Britney, Cameron, Scarlett too
210
00:19:23,405 --> 00:19:25,498
They all like a taste of my fondue
211
00:19:26,842 --> 00:19:30,710
Come to think of it
I've had so much ass
212
00:19:30,913 --> 00:19:33,541
All that's left for me is Lance Bass
213
00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,885
Look, everyone. It's Jessica Simpson.
214
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:56,093
My boobs are for Jesus
215
00:19:56,305 --> 00:19:58,603
All of this, all for Jesus
216
00:19:58,807 --> 00:20:00,365
Put your pants back on, Dad.
217
00:20:00,576 --> 00:20:04,307
Go, Romo! Oh, my God.
He's gonna score a basket goal.
218
00:20:04,513 --> 00:20:07,243
Wait. What's it called again?
Oh, my gosh, I totally forget.
219
00:20:07,449 --> 00:20:09,576
What is it, a rubdown?
220
00:20:09,785 --> 00:20:11,685
What? A tickle down.
221
00:20:11,887 --> 00:20:14,583
Oh, a touchdown.
222
00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:16,314
Frigging jinx.
223
00:20:18,293 --> 00:20:19,885
Gosh.
224
00:20:20,662 --> 00:20:24,257
We'll all be friends forever
225
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,593
Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city
226
00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:33,002
We'll all be friends forever
227
00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:37,907
Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty
228
00:20:38,814 --> 00:20:41,510
One, two, three, four, hooray!
229
00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:47,678
What's going on?
230
00:20:54,696 --> 00:20:55,754
What the hell was that?
231
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,023
This is an emergency broadcast.
232
00:20:58,233 --> 00:21:00,133
This is an emergency broadcast.
233
00:21:00,335 --> 00:21:02,303
Shut up, everybody. Listen.
234
00:21:02,504 --> 00:21:04,028
Something has jolted the city.
235
00:21:04,239 --> 00:21:07,902
We're getting reports it could be
an earthquake or some shit like that.
236
00:21:08,110 --> 00:21:09,134
Oh, shit.
237
00:21:09,344 --> 00:21:13,041
Seismologists have marked
the epicenter at a trendy loft district...
238
00:21:13,248 --> 00:21:15,648
... whose residents
are attractive twentysomethings...
239
00:21:15,851 --> 00:21:17,682
... who dance to bad '80s music...
240
00:21:17,886 --> 00:21:21,947
... wear Abercrombie & Fitch,
and like to drink light beer.
241
00:21:22,925 --> 00:21:24,722
Oh, God, we're all gonna die!
242
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,186
Take a Xanax, Fabio.
243
00:21:28,397 --> 00:21:32,333
You're wigging harder than a
smack addict at an Iggy show circa '73.
244
00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:33,927
What?
245
00:21:34,136 --> 00:21:38,129
It's cool, Moe Dee. Sir Cries-a-Lot.
246
00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:40,731
You're totally giving me the stink eye.
247
00:21:42,578 --> 00:21:44,512
FYI, Battlecrotch Galactica...
248
00:21:44,713 --> 00:21:46,943
...you're grape smuggling
harder than Cornelius...
249
00:21:47,149 --> 00:21:51,051
...in Planet of the Apes.
The original, not Tim Burton's.
250
00:21:51,253 --> 00:21:54,245
And BT-dubs,
I haven't seen a six-pack like that...
251
00:21:54,456 --> 00:21:57,892
...since I shotgunned
Molson Golden at Lollapalooza.
252
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,425
I don't understand a thing you're saying.
253
00:22:00,629 --> 00:22:05,066
That's because I speak in overly written,
clever-for-clever's-sake quips.
254
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:16,439
Time to get this sea monkey plastered.
255
00:22:31,994 --> 00:22:34,986
This is an emergency broadcast.
256
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:41,357
- Amy. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
257
00:22:42,270 --> 00:22:44,238
Why did you bring
another guy to my party?
258
00:22:44,439 --> 00:22:47,203
- Why do you care?
- Because l...
259
00:22:48,610 --> 00:22:50,077
I don't.
260
00:22:51,613 --> 00:22:53,205
I'm out of here.
261
00:22:53,415 --> 00:22:54,609
Later, bitch.
262
00:22:56,018 --> 00:22:57,246
You know what, Will?
263
00:22:57,452 --> 00:23:00,944
Every time we made love,
I was thinking about another guy.
264
00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:03,447
Well, so was I.
265
00:23:07,696 --> 00:23:09,493
- Damn it.
- Will!
266
00:23:10,499 --> 00:23:12,057
You gotta hear this.
267
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:15,562
The quake erupted a gas main
and destroyed the ghetto.
268
00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:20,071
- I can live with that.
- Oh, hell, no.
269
00:23:20,275 --> 00:23:22,175
- Cracker.
- We're now getting reports...
270
00:23:22,377 --> 00:23:24,937
... that asteroids are falling
out of the sky and...
271
00:23:25,147 --> 00:23:26,307
End of the world.
272
00:23:26,515 --> 00:23:28,642
And a Pinkberry
has just been destroyed.
273
00:23:33,822 --> 00:23:35,153
It's like my dream.
274
00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:40,455
I repeat, a Pinkberry
has just been destroyed.
275
00:23:59,648 --> 00:24:01,582
God, what the hell's happening?
276
00:24:01,783 --> 00:24:04,274
- I think it's the apocalypse.
- It's Armageddon.
277
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:06,044
I think I just shit myself.
278
00:24:22,304 --> 00:24:23,293
Let's go.
279
00:24:26,308 --> 00:24:29,072
Oh, my God. Hannah Montana's dead.
280
00:24:31,213 --> 00:24:33,647
Oh, no.
281
00:24:33,849 --> 00:24:37,285
Well, goodbye, all my fans.
282
00:24:37,486 --> 00:24:39,044
Keep rocking.
283
00:24:47,095 --> 00:24:50,861
She is a national treasure!
284
00:24:54,736 --> 00:24:56,931
Also, remind your parents...
285
00:24:57,139 --> 00:25:00,575
...to pick up your official
Hannah Montana lunchbox...
286
00:25:00,776 --> 00:25:02,937
...Hannah Montana cheese grater...
287
00:25:03,145 --> 00:25:05,079
...and Hannah Montana toilet paper.
288
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,977
And be sure to tune in
to my Summer in Montana concert...
289
00:25:09,184 --> 00:25:13,314
...this Wednesday, 8, 7 Central.
290
00:25:15,724 --> 00:25:19,216
I waited in line
for two days for these tickets.
291
00:25:19,427 --> 00:25:20,951
Damn.
292
00:25:23,198 --> 00:25:29,433
And let me just say, those totally sexy
and utterly provocative pictures of me...
293
00:25:29,638 --> 00:25:35,076
...were leaked onto MySpace
completely without my permission.
294
00:25:35,577 --> 00:25:38,011
But if you'll notice in those pictures...
295
00:25:38,213 --> 00:25:40,181
...l'm wearing my new line of sexy...
296
00:25:40,382 --> 00:25:46,082
...Hannah Montana lingerie,
now available at Target.
297
00:25:55,263 --> 00:25:57,788
Oh, my God. Hannah Montana
is really Miley Cyrus.
298
00:25:57,999 --> 00:26:00,763
Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock.
299
00:26:00,969 --> 00:26:04,427
All I do is wear a wig
and change my voice a little bit...
300
00:26:04,639 --> 00:26:07,802
...and those dumb kids
can't tell the difference.
301
00:26:08,009 --> 00:26:11,604
Then I get twice the pay
and twice the merchandise.
302
00:26:11,813 --> 00:26:14,179
Just a reminder,
my new CD comes out.
303
00:26:14,382 --> 00:26:17,317
Miley Cyrus: Underage.
304
00:26:17,519 --> 00:26:22,115
It's available in stores now.
Featuring songs from my dad, Billy Ray.
305
00:26:22,324 --> 00:26:25,623
Only 9.95.
306
00:26:29,931 --> 00:26:31,330
Can somebody help us?
307
00:26:31,533 --> 00:26:33,467
Isn't there anybody that can help?
308
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,037
Hey, Hancock.
309
00:26:41,009 --> 00:26:42,670
Hancock?
310
00:26:43,545 --> 00:26:44,773
We need help.
311
00:26:46,715 --> 00:26:48,376
Wake up, you drunk motherfucker.
312
00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:51,780
Get your punk ass up,
fly down there, and fix that shit.
313
00:26:53,755 --> 00:26:55,620
Asshole!
314
00:27:01,730 --> 00:27:03,163
Oh, hell, no.
315
00:27:03,365 --> 00:27:05,162
Big Willie's out of here.
316
00:27:12,974 --> 00:27:15,067
I need a drink.
317
00:27:23,084 --> 00:27:24,847
Holy shit!
318
00:27:25,053 --> 00:27:27,317
- It's coming this way.
- What should we do?
319
00:27:27,522 --> 00:27:30,457
- Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
- Let's go!
320
00:27:33,194 --> 00:27:35,321
This way. Over here.
Come on. Come on.
321
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:36,888
Go, go, go.
322
00:27:44,706 --> 00:27:47,698
- What are we gonna do now?
- Baby, I don't know.
323
00:27:47,909 --> 00:27:49,171
Look, we'll just...
324
00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:52,005
We'll wait out the storm here
until it passes by.
325
00:27:55,083 --> 00:27:56,573
Hey.
326
00:28:01,056 --> 00:28:03,024
This is our hiding place.
327
00:28:03,224 --> 00:28:06,352
Get lost. Right, Carrie?
328
00:28:07,729 --> 00:28:09,253
Hello, lover.
329
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:14,626
Unless you wanna fight.
330
00:28:14,836 --> 00:28:16,895
Look, we don't want any trouble.
331
00:28:23,511 --> 00:28:24,739
I never back down.
332
00:28:24,946 --> 00:28:29,815
- Get some.
- As you can see, I already did.
333
00:28:33,621 --> 00:28:37,284
And so I thought: Could a simple
New York City gal like me...
334
00:28:37,492 --> 00:28:41,258
... really beat the shit
out of a pregnant teenager? I wonder.
335
00:28:41,463 --> 00:28:45,957
Like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV,
I must break you.
336
00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:55,833
- Yes!
- Yeah!
337
00:29:15,797 --> 00:29:18,129
I'm lactating. Moo.
338
00:29:20,001 --> 00:29:22,299
Got milk?
339
00:29:30,712 --> 00:29:32,373
Oh, God.
340
00:29:38,753 --> 00:29:40,448
- Is that your feet?
- Yeah.
341
00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:43,215
And this is my baby's foot.
342
00:29:45,927 --> 00:29:47,224
Smell it.
343
00:29:49,264 --> 00:29:50,288
And taste it.
344
00:29:52,033 --> 00:29:54,058
Suck on my placenta.
345
00:29:57,172 --> 00:29:59,936
- Yeah!
- Oh, Carrie.
346
00:30:00,141 --> 00:30:02,132
Carrie, darling, are you all right?
347
00:30:02,343 --> 00:30:05,005
Come on, ladies.
Let's get out of here now.
348
00:30:11,086 --> 00:30:12,986
- What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.
349
00:30:13,188 --> 00:30:15,713
Wake up and smell the Prius.
350
00:30:15,924 --> 00:30:19,826
I know it's an inconvenient truth,
but it's called global warming.
351
00:30:20,028 --> 00:30:22,861
No. No, it's not global warming.
352
00:30:24,365 --> 00:30:26,560
Amy Winehouse
came to me in my dreams...
353
00:30:26,768 --> 00:30:28,599
...after I fought an American Gladiator.
354
00:30:29,070 --> 00:30:31,561
I think it has something to do
with the crystal skull...
355
00:30:32,941 --> 00:30:35,671
Come on. Crackhead Winehouse?
Crystal skull?
356
00:30:35,877 --> 00:30:37,174
You sound like a crazy man.
357
00:30:37,378 --> 00:30:40,905
Look, it's getting late. Let's just stay
here tonight and wait out the storm.
358
00:30:41,349 --> 00:30:42,680
I'm freezing.
359
00:30:43,218 --> 00:30:44,617
We gotta take off our clothes.
360
00:30:46,688 --> 00:30:50,317
- What?
- Our bodies will keep each other warm.
361
00:30:50,525 --> 00:30:53,392
Otherwise, we're not gonna make it
through the night.
362
00:30:54,362 --> 00:30:55,693
Yeah. Yeah.
363
00:30:56,131 --> 00:30:58,622
He's right. Come on.
364
00:31:07,809 --> 00:31:09,868
I think my water's gonna break.
365
00:31:10,612 --> 00:31:11,601
Water?
366
00:31:15,350 --> 00:31:17,011
What the...?
367
00:31:18,186 --> 00:31:19,778
Sorry.
368
00:31:24,259 --> 00:31:26,989
Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker.
369
00:31:27,195 --> 00:31:28,719
- I'm a jumper.
- A what?
370
00:31:28,930 --> 00:31:30,659
I can teleport through time and space.
371
00:31:59,928 --> 00:32:02,362
I hope we stay together forever.
372
00:32:02,564 --> 00:32:03,758
I love you.
373
00:32:06,167 --> 00:32:07,532
Later.
374
00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:14,972
I am Prince Caspian,
here to save Narnia.
375
00:32:18,079 --> 00:32:19,637
Little help?
376
00:32:21,316 --> 00:32:22,943
You guys?
377
00:32:27,155 --> 00:32:29,123
It's the guy who ruined Star Wars.
378
00:32:34,729 --> 00:32:37,664
- What?
- Will, we saw your dream.
379
00:32:40,635 --> 00:32:42,933
- Oh, man.
- Man, you messed shit up with Amy.
380
00:32:43,137 --> 00:32:45,731
You're lucky a girl like that
would even talk to you.
381
00:32:45,940 --> 00:32:49,034
She's hot, sexy. She got a job.
382
00:32:49,410 --> 00:32:52,902
- Man, that girl out your league.
- She's not out of my league.
383
00:32:53,114 --> 00:32:55,878
Shit, she gotta put up
with your stank breath.
384
00:32:56,551 --> 00:32:59,918
Not to mention your
abnormally high plumber's crack.
385
00:33:05,126 --> 00:33:06,423
Man, put your shirt down.
386
00:33:06,628 --> 00:33:09,654
All right. You're right, you're right.
I messed up with Amy.
387
00:33:12,967 --> 00:33:14,730
I never should've let her go.
388
00:33:17,238 --> 00:33:19,866
Jesus Christ. That was a rump shaker.
389
00:33:20,074 --> 00:33:23,407
Okay, here's the plan.
We gotta get the hell up out this city.
390
00:33:23,611 --> 00:33:25,203
What you say?
391
00:33:25,947 --> 00:33:29,212
What the hell y'all doing leaving me?
392
00:33:31,719 --> 00:33:33,914
Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see.
393
00:33:34,922 --> 00:33:38,255
All the disasters have been contained.
The city is secure.
394
00:33:44,632 --> 00:33:45,621
Shit.
395
00:33:47,135 --> 00:33:48,124
Sick.
396
00:33:50,905 --> 00:33:53,897
Like I said, keep moving.
It's under control.
397
00:33:58,913 --> 00:33:59,902
I'm out of here.
398
00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:09,523
- What was that?
- That was a head. That was a head.
399
00:34:09,724 --> 00:34:12,215
- Hello?
- Whose head?
400
00:34:12,427 --> 00:34:13,724
- Hello?
- Will, it's me.
401
00:34:13,928 --> 00:34:15,725
Amy, where are you?
402
00:34:15,930 --> 00:34:18,990
I'm at work at the museum.
I was worried about the artifacts.
403
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,135
- Are you okay?
- I'm scared.
404
00:34:22,737 --> 00:34:24,728
It's gonna be all right, I promise. Listen.
405
00:34:24,939 --> 00:34:27,703
There is something
that I need to tell you...
406
00:34:27,909 --> 00:34:30,173
...and I should've told you long before.
I was an idiot.
407
00:34:34,315 --> 00:34:35,339
I love you.
408
00:34:37,852 --> 00:34:40,150
Oh, baby, I love you too.
409
00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:46,090
What do...? What do you say?
Do you still love me?
410
00:34:46,294 --> 00:34:49,024
Yes, yes, of course, yes.
411
00:34:49,731 --> 00:34:50,720
Say something.
412
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,358
Say something, you stuck-up bitch.
413
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:00,166
Asshole.
414
00:35:01,008 --> 00:35:02,600
Hello? Hello, Amy?
415
00:35:03,511 --> 00:35:05,138
Shit.
416
00:35:07,582 --> 00:35:09,379
Oh, what the...?
417
00:35:10,151 --> 00:35:12,051
- We gotta go back.
- Say what?
418
00:35:12,253 --> 00:35:14,050
Amy's in trouble.
I'm going back for her.
419
00:35:14,255 --> 00:35:16,348
I let her go before.
I'm not losing her again.
420
00:35:16,557 --> 00:35:19,754
Man, you crazy. There's all kinds
of shit breaking out in the city.
421
00:35:19,961 --> 00:35:22,452
We don't leave right now,
we're gonna die.
422
00:35:22,663 --> 00:35:24,324
It's something I gotta do.
423
00:35:24,532 --> 00:35:25,624
You guys keep going.
424
00:35:29,103 --> 00:35:31,196
No, I'm your boy, man.
I'm gonna roll with you.
425
00:35:31,406 --> 00:35:33,806
Yeah, I mean, I'm already knocked up...
426
00:35:34,008 --> 00:35:38,172
...so, what other shenanigans
can I really get into?
427
00:35:38,379 --> 00:35:41,906
I mean, I'm more bloated
than Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up...
428
00:35:42,116 --> 00:35:44,550
...or Vince Vaughn in Fred Claus...
429
00:35:46,053 --> 00:35:48,021
...or I guess Vince Vaughn in general.
430
00:35:48,222 --> 00:35:50,918
- So let's go.
- Yeah, please.
431
00:35:53,327 --> 00:35:54,885
Lisa, come on.
432
00:35:55,096 --> 00:35:57,189
- No, guys.
- Come on, baby.
433
00:35:57,398 --> 00:35:59,366
I really have a bad feeling about this.
434
00:36:04,405 --> 00:36:05,895
Lisa!
435
00:36:06,107 --> 00:36:07,665
They killed Lisa!
436
00:36:07,875 --> 00:36:09,001
- Lisa!
- Come on, come on.
437
00:36:09,210 --> 00:36:12,304
- They killed Lisa! You bastards!
- Come on, come on. We gotta go.
438
00:36:12,513 --> 00:36:14,037
Come on.
439
00:36:21,656 --> 00:36:24,557
I'm really sorry about your girlfriend,
home skillet.
440
00:36:24,759 --> 00:36:27,557
Lo ciento about your main squeeze,
kemosabe.
441
00:36:27,762 --> 00:36:33,598
I'd offer you my sexual favors, but
I've got a lot of mucus discharge lately.
442
00:36:33,801 --> 00:36:35,063
Lisa was a great girl.
443
00:36:45,279 --> 00:36:47,304
Lisa who?
444
00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,045
Oh, where am I?
445
00:36:49,517 --> 00:36:51,917
Oh, what an enchanting place.
446
00:36:53,821 --> 00:36:56,881
It smells like meat and stress.
447
00:37:00,561 --> 00:37:01,619
Wonderful.
448
00:37:02,497 --> 00:37:03,964
What magical creature are you?
449
00:37:10,571 --> 00:37:12,038
My dear prince
450
00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:20,614
You have rescued me
You've caught me in your arms
451
00:37:20,815 --> 00:37:26,082
Actually, you landed on my balls
452
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:27,618
Let me guess.
453
00:37:27,822 --> 00:37:31,815
An evil witch banished you
from your fairy-tale kingdom?
454
00:37:33,828 --> 00:37:36,296
No, my silly, pasty, quirky teen.
455
00:37:36,497 --> 00:37:39,989
Actually, I'm just a demented
homeless chick who lives in the sewers.
456
00:37:41,135 --> 00:37:42,796
- How'd you end up there?
- Drugs.
457
00:37:43,004 --> 00:37:46,303
Lots and lots and lots...
458
00:37:46,507 --> 00:37:51,137
...of mind-altering, enchanting drugs!
459
00:37:53,614 --> 00:37:55,639
I don't judge.
460
00:37:58,352 --> 00:37:59,910
It's dangerous out there.
461
00:38:00,121 --> 00:38:02,954
You might wanna come with us
if you wanna live.
462
00:38:03,157 --> 00:38:04,590
- Okay.
- All right.
463
00:38:04,792 --> 00:38:07,727
- Goodbye. Oh, I'm going with you.
- Yes, you are.
464
00:38:07,929 --> 00:38:10,796
The Natural History Museum
is just uptown. Let's go.
465
00:38:16,270 --> 00:38:20,639
Dreams and fairy tales
My true love
466
00:38:21,275 --> 00:38:26,178
Talking squirrels and magic and stuff
467
00:38:26,814 --> 00:38:29,715
No, princess, wait.
Where are you going?
468
00:38:29,917 --> 00:38:32,351
And who's that Moorish ruffian?
469
00:38:32,553 --> 00:38:34,851
I'm her new boyfriend. What it do?
470
00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:39,518
Very funny, dark peasant.
I'm Prince Edwin.
471
00:38:40,595 --> 00:38:43,928
- Princess, he your pimp?
- Oh, good heavens, yes.
472
00:38:45,967 --> 00:38:49,334
But that's all right.
I could have a pimp and a boyfriend.
473
00:38:50,237 --> 00:38:51,431
Oh, what to do?
474
00:38:53,841 --> 00:38:58,403
Whichever prince can vanquish
the other shall win my hand.
475
00:39:05,519 --> 00:39:06,611
You ready to step up?
476
00:39:08,089 --> 00:39:10,148
Wait. You mean like
the first Step Up movie...
477
00:39:10,358 --> 00:39:13,054
...where the street-dancer dude
went to the dance academy?
478
00:39:13,260 --> 00:39:15,319
No, I was thinking
more like Step Up 2...
479
00:39:15,529 --> 00:39:18,430
...when the tough street-dancing chick
went to dancing academy.
480
00:39:19,333 --> 00:39:20,391
I feel you.
481
00:39:20,601 --> 00:39:24,435
He ain't ready for me. Juney, Will,
I'm about to break him down, baby.
482
00:39:24,639 --> 00:39:26,971
You want some? Well, here you go.
483
00:39:36,584 --> 00:39:38,313
Oh, a hoedown?
484
00:39:40,655 --> 00:39:41,644
It's crazy-shirt man.
485
00:39:46,861 --> 00:39:48,954
Oh, no, no, no.
486
00:39:54,168 --> 00:39:55,567
It's just my sleeve.
487
00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:57,795
Oh, come on.
488
00:39:58,706 --> 00:40:00,571
He's double-jointed.
Who cares about that?
489
00:40:03,010 --> 00:40:04,568
There must be a mirror somewhere.
490
00:40:07,248 --> 00:40:09,113
Make some room. Make some room.
491
00:40:09,316 --> 00:40:10,578
Make some room.
492
00:40:10,785 --> 00:40:13,276
- Come on, chubby.
- Okay.
493
00:40:14,889 --> 00:40:16,857
What? What? What?
494
00:40:17,358 --> 00:40:19,952
Oh, damn, that ho is all on point.
495
00:40:30,871 --> 00:40:33,635
That bitch better work.
She is off the chizzain.
496
00:40:33,841 --> 00:40:34,967
I think she's crowning.
497
00:40:37,845 --> 00:40:39,608
I want to dance.
498
00:40:39,814 --> 00:40:43,181
I'm not sure I can though. I'm not sure.
499
00:40:43,384 --> 00:40:46,353
l... Don't pressure me!
500
00:40:48,155 --> 00:40:49,782
I'm ready.
501
00:40:50,324 --> 00:40:52,724
Oh, look out. Look at her coming in.
502
00:40:54,395 --> 00:40:55,521
Oh, yeah.
503
00:41:37,171 --> 00:41:39,332
I'm out of here.
504
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:41,268
Bye.
505
00:41:41,475 --> 00:41:43,909
She's all yours, bro.
506
00:41:44,512 --> 00:41:45,843
It's a twister!
507
00:41:46,046 --> 00:41:48,241
Run! Run!
508
00:41:55,823 --> 00:41:57,950
Is there anyone that can save us?
509
00:41:58,159 --> 00:42:00,059
We need a hero.
510
00:42:08,202 --> 00:42:09,897
I am Iron Man.
511
00:42:12,506 --> 00:42:15,566
Oh, man! That twister shat out a cow.
512
00:42:17,044 --> 00:42:18,409
Shit. That's so messed up.
513
00:42:22,349 --> 00:42:24,783
Now you're pissing me off.
514
00:42:27,655 --> 00:42:30,146
I'm the only badass around here.
515
00:42:32,626 --> 00:42:34,321
Oh, damn!
516
00:42:34,528 --> 00:42:36,223
Another cow?
517
00:42:42,970 --> 00:42:44,437
What was that?
518
00:42:44,638 --> 00:42:46,003
It's not nice.
519
00:42:46,207 --> 00:42:48,607
Look at me. Look at this.
520
00:42:48,809 --> 00:42:50,401
It's a lobster claw.
521
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:51,600
Whatever.
522
00:42:51,812 --> 00:42:55,407
Look, I'm carrying a lot of baggage.
I didn't need that, man.
523
00:42:59,286 --> 00:43:03,723
Don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
524
00:43:04,191 --> 00:43:07,991
There's aspects of my personality
that I can't control.
525
00:43:25,846 --> 00:43:27,746
At least he didn't get hit with a cow.
526
00:43:30,484 --> 00:43:33,351
- Man!
- Hey, Casanova, forget Amy.
527
00:43:33,554 --> 00:43:35,454
We're never gonna make it
to the museum.
528
00:43:35,656 --> 00:43:36,987
I know she's still alive.
529
00:43:37,191 --> 00:43:39,455
Hello? Jojo?
530
00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:42,220
Jojo? No, no, it's me.
531
00:43:42,429 --> 00:43:44,693
Will. Will, I'm trapped.
532
00:43:44,899 --> 00:43:48,494
An Egyptian statue fell on me
during the earthquake.
533
00:43:48,702 --> 00:43:50,863
Stay calm, Amy. Just stay calm.
534
00:43:51,071 --> 00:43:53,904
I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
535
00:43:54,108 --> 00:43:56,804
All right, Amy, listen to me. Don't panic.
536
00:43:59,747 --> 00:44:01,544
I will be there, I promise.
537
00:44:05,085 --> 00:44:07,315
Amy? Amy?
538
00:44:09,590 --> 00:44:11,751
Guys, I'm going back for her.
539
00:44:14,595 --> 00:44:18,531
You can't save her if you're dead!
Come on, let's go!
540
00:44:18,732 --> 00:44:20,563
- I'll be there as soon as I can.
- Go, go.
541
00:44:20,768 --> 00:44:21,860
Goodbye.
542
00:44:22,069 --> 00:44:23,263
- Amy. No!
- Will, let's go.
543
00:44:23,470 --> 00:44:25,165
- No! Damn it!
- You got to!
544
00:44:34,682 --> 00:44:35,979
I know you think I'm crazy...
545
00:44:36,183 --> 00:44:39,050
...but these disasters have to do
with the crystal skull.
546
00:44:39,253 --> 00:44:42,711
- It's like Tmth.
- TM what?
547
00:44:42,923 --> 00:44:45,050
Too much to handle.
548
00:44:45,459 --> 00:44:47,051
Bitch, why you don't just say that?
549
00:44:47,261 --> 00:44:49,923
Why everything a goddamn acronym
with you?
550
00:44:50,130 --> 00:44:53,122
Chilly Willy out, LL Not Cool J.
551
00:44:53,334 --> 00:44:57,202
Oh, do stop all of this quarreling.
Honestly.
552
00:44:57,404 --> 00:44:59,964
Now, who's hungry?
553
00:45:08,449 --> 00:45:09,814
Delicious.
554
00:45:10,651 --> 00:45:12,414
Whatever.
555
00:45:13,787 --> 00:45:14,947
Would you like some?
556
00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:16,446
No.
557
00:45:23,630 --> 00:45:25,154
What?
558
00:45:25,733 --> 00:45:28,463
Y'all, that's my Get Smart phone.
Just give me a minute.
559
00:45:37,611 --> 00:45:39,636
You got poop.
560
00:45:40,147 --> 00:45:41,136
Just a smidge.
561
00:45:45,319 --> 00:45:48,152
Did I get it? Did I get it all?
562
00:45:49,757 --> 00:45:51,622
What y'all looking at me like that for?
563
00:45:51,825 --> 00:45:53,349
You got... Yeah.
564
00:45:53,961 --> 00:45:54,950
Is it right there?
565
00:45:55,796 --> 00:45:58,287
- It's fine.
- Just go:
566
00:45:58,665 --> 00:46:01,031
Just... I get it all the time, all over.
567
00:46:05,806 --> 00:46:07,433
What it do?
568
00:46:10,444 --> 00:46:13,936
Hey, y'all, it's Lisa's mom.
569
00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:16,972
I gotta tell her what happened
to her daughter.
570
00:46:21,955 --> 00:46:23,650
Hi, Miss Heller.
571
00:46:28,128 --> 00:46:29,618
Lisa...
572
00:46:30,130 --> 00:46:31,722
Lisa dead.
573
00:46:34,201 --> 00:46:35,566
But booyah!
574
00:46:36,570 --> 00:46:40,006
I met this fine, hot
enchanted-princess chick...
575
00:46:40,207 --> 00:46:43,699
...willing to do anything
and everything I want.
576
00:46:43,911 --> 00:46:46,038
You gotta talk to her. Talk to her.
577
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:50,774
Hello? Oh, yes, he's right.
I will do anything. Truly.
578
00:46:50,984 --> 00:46:54,283
I'm not referred to on the street
as the Cavernous Princess for nothing.
579
00:46:54,488 --> 00:46:57,548
A nomenclature well-deserved,
most assuredly.
580
00:46:57,758 --> 00:47:00,158
If you've got 5 bucks or some meth,
I'll show you.
581
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:02,658
One time I hooked up
with a 100-year-old wizard.
582
00:47:02,863 --> 00:47:06,492
His penis kept reappearing
in all sorts of different places.
583
00:47:06,700 --> 00:47:08,190
Never again.
584
00:47:08,402 --> 00:47:11,565
You're so cool.
We should totally hang out.
585
00:47:11,772 --> 00:47:13,569
She's awesome.
586
00:47:13,774 --> 00:47:15,935
Look, we gotta get to Amy
at the Natural History Museum.
587
00:47:20,314 --> 00:47:21,338
Oh, my.
588
00:47:21,782 --> 00:47:24,683
- Oh, no.
- I can't see anything.
589
00:47:24,918 --> 00:47:28,820
- Neither can I.
- Somebody is totally feeling me up.
590
00:47:29,022 --> 00:47:31,252
- Calvin.
- I didn't do it.
591
00:47:34,094 --> 00:47:36,927
They're so perky.
They're filled with milk.
592
00:47:39,433 --> 00:47:41,401
What the hell was that?
593
00:48:27,414 --> 00:48:31,145
Wonderful.
What adorable woodland creatures.
594
00:48:31,351 --> 00:48:34,843
I'm not merry, really. That didn't...
I mean, that didn't make me merry.
595
00:48:35,055 --> 00:48:38,081
I don't feel merry, I guess.
596
00:49:14,228 --> 00:49:15,559
Man, them guys are all right.
597
00:49:16,163 --> 00:49:17,790
That's cute. That's cute.
598
00:49:52,633 --> 00:49:56,694
Okay, you guys are not
Alvin and the Chipmunks, are you?
599
00:49:59,306 --> 00:50:00,671
I think that one's got rabies.
600
00:50:05,612 --> 00:50:07,307
Where you going, punk-ass?
601
00:50:10,484 --> 00:50:12,748
Alvin!
602
00:50:18,659 --> 00:50:20,354
Get him off!
603
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:22,528
Chipmunks love nuts.
604
00:50:27,834 --> 00:50:31,201
Get him off! What the hell?
I thought you was my friend!
605
00:50:31,872 --> 00:50:32,861
Salty.
606
00:50:38,645 --> 00:50:41,637
You're hitting the wrong thing! You...!
607
00:50:48,255 --> 00:50:52,385
I feel left out.
No one's biting my flesh. Pooh.
608
00:50:56,697 --> 00:50:58,562
Is that the best you got, pussy?
609
00:51:02,536 --> 00:51:03,628
You are such a girl.
610
00:51:19,219 --> 00:51:20,914
Redrum!
611
00:51:30,797 --> 00:51:32,594
Where'd he go?
612
00:51:41,074 --> 00:51:42,200
Yeah!
613
00:51:45,645 --> 00:51:47,442
Don't bite me. Get lost!
614
00:51:56,323 --> 00:51:58,484
Oh, boy, tasty vertebrae.
615
00:51:59,493 --> 00:52:00,721
- Juney.
- Let her go.
616
00:52:00,927 --> 00:52:02,792
Let her go, man.
Ain't nothing we can do.
617
00:52:02,996 --> 00:52:04,361
But she's still alive.
618
00:52:04,564 --> 00:52:05,929
They're munching me harder...
619
00:52:06,133 --> 00:52:10,331
...than Rachael Ray chowing down
eggs Benedict on $40 a Day.
620
00:52:10,537 --> 00:52:11,561
Yeah.
621
00:52:11,772 --> 00:52:16,141
Even when the bitch is dying,
she don't shut up with her witty repartee.
622
00:52:16,343 --> 00:52:20,040
Hey, BFFs, what's the 411 on the 911?
623
00:52:20,247 --> 00:52:22,545
Oh, she is rather annoying.
624
00:52:22,749 --> 00:52:26,742
WTH? I'm so not Rotflol'ing...
625
00:52:26,953 --> 00:52:32,050
...but please KIT, before I get 187'd.
626
00:52:33,326 --> 00:52:35,226
Blog you later.
627
00:52:36,363 --> 00:52:38,228
- Finally.
- Finally.
628
00:52:38,965 --> 00:52:41,695
That was just the amuse bouche.
Now the main course.
629
00:52:46,039 --> 00:52:48,405
- Come back here, you bitches.
- Bitches!
630
00:52:48,608 --> 00:52:50,667
I'll get you in your grill.
631
00:52:50,877 --> 00:52:52,401
Pussies.
632
00:52:52,612 --> 00:52:53,670
Die!
633
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:57,281
Can't breathe. Need air.
634
00:52:59,286 --> 00:53:00,844
Shitheads!
635
00:53:08,061 --> 00:53:10,188
Is everybody okay?
636
00:53:10,397 --> 00:53:12,092
Yeah, I'm okay.
637
00:53:12,299 --> 00:53:15,860
Hey, baby, your knees
are all skinned up.
638
00:53:16,670 --> 00:53:19,230
Oh, yes, but that's not
from the chipmunks.
639
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:22,972
But I do have this terrible headache.
640
00:53:24,644 --> 00:53:27,112
Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.
641
00:53:27,314 --> 00:53:29,748
Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.
642
00:53:29,950 --> 00:53:32,418
Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.
643
00:53:32,619 --> 00:53:34,746
Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.
644
00:53:34,955 --> 00:53:36,718
I just... I just did.
645
00:53:36,923 --> 00:53:38,390
I said, Head On, bitch.
646
00:53:38,592 --> 00:53:40,560
- Apply directly to the forehead.
- Whatever.
647
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:42,250
Don't cop an attitude, slut.
648
00:53:42,462 --> 00:53:46,023
I said, apply Head On directly
to your goddamn forehead.
649
00:53:46,233 --> 00:53:49,100
Okay, okay. Happy?
650
00:53:49,302 --> 00:53:51,327
Look, you little white-trash
piece of shit...
651
00:53:51,538 --> 00:53:52,698
... Head On, motherfucker.
652
00:53:52,906 --> 00:53:55,636
Apply directly to your
motherfucking forehead.
653
00:53:55,842 --> 00:53:58,936
Okay? There. It's all over.
654
00:53:59,145 --> 00:54:03,741
Head on, face on, nose on, eyes on.
655
00:54:05,852 --> 00:54:07,581
Oh, that's great.
656
00:54:07,787 --> 00:54:09,152
My headache is gone...
657
00:54:09,356 --> 00:54:12,450
...but I still have that dreadful
yeast infection.
658
00:54:13,793 --> 00:54:15,192
Sourdough anyone?
659
00:54:15,962 --> 00:54:18,760
- I could've did without that.
- Let's get to the museum.
660
00:54:23,336 --> 00:54:25,531
- Let's go!
- Move it!
661
00:54:25,739 --> 00:54:27,707
Out of the way!
662
00:54:36,182 --> 00:54:37,774
Excuse me, sir.
663
00:54:37,984 --> 00:54:40,009
What's going on?
Where's everybody going?
664
00:54:40,220 --> 00:54:43,348
It's a mass evacuation. Everyone
has to leave the city right now.
665
00:54:43,557 --> 00:54:45,320
Hold up, hold up.
You leaving, Batman?
666
00:54:45,525 --> 00:54:49,359
Shit. Yes. Yeah, I'm leaving. Okay?
I don't wanna die.
667
00:54:49,563 --> 00:54:51,656
Not on my schedule today.
Not on my to-do list.
668
00:54:51,865 --> 00:54:55,198
It wasn't, "Wake up, make breakfast, jog,
science experiment, die."
669
00:54:55,402 --> 00:54:59,395
Not on it. Not on it. Okay?
Are we done?
670
00:54:59,606 --> 00:55:00,971
All right.
671
00:55:01,641 --> 00:55:04,474
Anyone who stays in town
is gonna be buried in rubble.
672
00:55:04,678 --> 00:55:05,804
I hate rubble.
673
00:55:06,012 --> 00:55:09,675
I've gotta get to the Natural History
Museum, to my girl, Amy. She's trapped.
674
00:55:09,883 --> 00:55:13,319
If you go back after your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.
675
00:55:13,620 --> 00:55:14,814
I'll take those odds.
676
00:55:17,691 --> 00:55:21,525
- She must be some piece of pussy.
- She is, sir. She is.
677
00:55:23,029 --> 00:55:26,328
Look, the evacuation bus
is leaving city hall at 2100 hours.
678
00:55:26,533 --> 00:55:29,297
Twenty-one hundred?
Hold on, what is...? That's...
679
00:55:29,502 --> 00:55:31,663
- Five, carry the six...
- Nine p.m.
680
00:55:31,871 --> 00:55:34,533
I'm gonna save you your crazy math.
It's 9 p.m.
681
00:55:34,741 --> 00:55:37,039
You start at noon, then nine hours later.
682
00:55:37,243 --> 00:55:40,542
That's 9. That's the time you need
to get on those evacuation buses...
683
00:55:40,747 --> 00:55:42,237
...or you're dead.
684
00:55:42,449 --> 00:55:43,916
Dead?
685
00:55:45,251 --> 00:55:47,412
Come on, it's already 5:30.
686
00:55:48,221 --> 00:55:50,553
Say again, 5:30? Oh, Jesus.
687
00:55:50,757 --> 00:55:53,282
Oh, God. I wasted the whole day.
688
00:55:53,493 --> 00:55:56,758
I was... I was on Amazon
looking for stuff.
689
00:55:56,963 --> 00:56:00,296
Shit. Why? Why would I
go Christmas shopping today?
690
00:56:00,967 --> 00:56:04,801
Why would I pick today?
Son of a bitch. Okay, plan B.
691
00:56:09,643 --> 00:56:10,974
- Hi.
- Hi.
692
00:56:11,177 --> 00:56:12,201
I'm Batman.
693
00:56:12,412 --> 00:56:14,209
I'm Enchanted Princess.
694
00:56:14,414 --> 00:56:17,008
True story: I had a woman one time...
695
00:56:17,217 --> 00:56:21,483
...tell me I was in the top four
best lovers she's ever had.
696
00:56:21,688 --> 00:56:23,087
That's a true story.
697
00:56:23,289 --> 00:56:24,916
And she had been around the block.
698
00:56:27,460 --> 00:56:31,556
Would you want to watch me
play with myself?
699
00:56:33,199 --> 00:56:34,188
Goodbye.
700
00:56:45,779 --> 00:56:47,269
Come on, let's go.
701
00:56:50,483 --> 00:56:51,780
Break yourself, fool.
702
00:56:51,985 --> 00:56:55,079
You best be getting out of that Mach 5
or I'll toe-tag your ass.
703
00:57:04,130 --> 00:57:06,325
You know, they say that the first kill...
704
00:57:06,533 --> 00:57:08,330
...is supposed to be quite difficult.
705
00:57:08,535 --> 00:57:12,198
But I find it easy. In fact, rather fun.
706
00:57:13,173 --> 00:57:15,971
Take it. Do it.
707
00:57:21,514 --> 00:57:23,243
Look, Ma, no eyes.
708
00:57:23,450 --> 00:57:24,974
I didn't have a mother!
709
00:57:28,722 --> 00:57:31,691
That was better than sex with a camel.
710
00:57:43,136 --> 00:57:46,162
What? We're just playing
with my monkey.
711
00:57:50,777 --> 00:57:52,335
Let's roll.
712
00:57:55,849 --> 00:57:56,975
Oh, my!
713
00:58:09,229 --> 00:58:10,218
Come on!
714
00:58:12,565 --> 00:58:13,896
Run.
715
00:58:15,602 --> 00:58:17,399
We gotta keep going.
716
00:58:19,038 --> 00:58:21,905
These glass slippers
are awfully hard to run in.
717
00:58:30,083 --> 00:58:31,744
Help. Help.
718
00:58:32,552 --> 00:58:33,849
Amy.
719
00:58:35,955 --> 00:58:38,219
- You came back for me.
- I love you, Amy.
720
00:58:38,892 --> 00:58:41,793
I know. I love you too.
721
00:58:43,463 --> 00:58:45,761
Now get this freaking spear
out of my shoulder.
722
00:58:45,965 --> 00:58:46,954
Yeah.
723
00:58:47,901 --> 00:58:49,232
- Okay.
- It hurts.
724
00:58:49,435 --> 00:58:50,595
Okay. All right.
725
00:58:50,804 --> 00:58:52,795
She's pinned through to the floor, guys.
726
00:58:53,006 --> 00:58:55,770
This isn't gonna be easy.
Calvin, I'm gonna need your help.
727
00:58:55,975 --> 00:58:57,602
Right.
728
00:59:02,248 --> 00:59:05,183
- What was that for?
- I was trying to knock her unconscious...
729
00:59:05,385 --> 00:59:06,750
...so she wouldn't feel pain.
730
00:59:08,021 --> 00:59:09,648
Good thinking.
731
00:59:10,256 --> 00:59:13,623
- Baby, this is for your own good.
- Okay.
732
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:25,300
Man, you hit like a pussy. Let me try.
733
00:59:32,946 --> 00:59:34,607
Man, this girl can take a hit.
734
00:59:43,656 --> 00:59:45,419
Why?
735
00:59:46,960 --> 00:59:49,360
It's not working.
Let's just pull it out of her.
736
00:59:51,064 --> 00:59:52,053
On the count of three.
737
00:59:52,265 --> 00:59:54,699
One, two, three.
738
00:59:54,901 --> 00:59:56,334
Good job.
739
01:00:08,181 --> 01:00:10,775
We gotta get out of here.
This place is gonna collapse.
740
01:00:11,351 --> 01:00:16,812
No. Not until we return this...
741
01:00:17,790 --> 01:00:19,314
...back to the altar.
742
01:00:19,826 --> 01:00:21,555
A magic bong.
743
01:00:21,761 --> 01:00:24,594
The crystal skull.
The one from my dreams.
744
01:00:24,797 --> 01:00:29,200
Now, legend has it that if the
crystal skull is missing from the altar...
745
01:00:29,402 --> 01:00:31,563
...it's the end of the world.
Earthquakes...
746
01:00:31,771 --> 01:00:34,296
...asteroids, return of the Spice Girls.
747
01:00:34,507 --> 01:00:35,633
Yes!
748
01:00:37,243 --> 01:00:38,232
The apocalypse.
749
01:00:38,444 --> 01:00:40,969
And you know this shit
because you're the docent?
750
01:00:41,180 --> 01:00:43,842
I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom
of the Crystal Skull.
751
01:00:44,050 --> 01:00:45,642
Do you know what this means?
752
01:00:45,852 --> 01:00:48,719
Me dreaming about the skull,
and you knowing about the skull?
753
01:00:48,922 --> 01:00:52,517
- That we were destined to be together?
- No, that we both really love skulls.
754
01:00:53,626 --> 01:00:55,321
But that too.
755
01:00:56,963 --> 01:00:59,488
Will, we gotta get out of here.
It's almost 9:00.
756
01:00:59,699 --> 01:01:02,896
If we don't make it to them
evacuation buses, we're gonna die.
757
01:01:05,204 --> 01:01:06,603
Go, Calvin.
758
01:01:06,806 --> 01:01:09,832
I'm staying here with Amy.
We're returning the skull to the altar.
759
01:01:11,778 --> 01:01:13,439
- See you.
- Nice meeting you.
760
01:01:13,980 --> 01:01:16,073
Let's find that altar.
761
01:01:44,077 --> 01:01:45,066
What's happening?
762
01:01:45,278 --> 01:01:48,543
Everything in the museum
is coming to life.
763
01:01:51,150 --> 01:01:52,777
Hell, no!
764
01:01:54,020 --> 01:01:55,248
Bully! Bully!
765
01:01:56,823 --> 01:01:57,983
Yes!
766
01:02:01,894 --> 01:02:04,624
- Let's get the hell up out of here.
- Drugs are great.
767
01:02:09,202 --> 01:02:12,171
- The altar to the crystal skull is this way.
- Okay.
768
01:02:18,344 --> 01:02:20,107
I am Beowulf.
769
01:02:24,817 --> 01:02:26,011
Hello.
770
01:02:28,688 --> 01:02:29,950
What?
771
01:02:31,224 --> 01:02:32,486
I am Beowulf.
772
01:02:34,227 --> 01:02:36,627
- Can you put some clothes on?
- I am Beowulf.
773
01:02:36,829 --> 01:02:40,663
I fought the monster Grendel with
no armor, and that is how I'll fight you.
774
01:02:41,567 --> 01:02:43,034
Wait. You fight naked?
775
01:02:46,105 --> 01:02:47,094
I am Beowulf.
776
01:02:47,306 --> 01:02:48,500
That's kind of gay, bro.
777
01:02:49,008 --> 01:02:50,976
It's not... It's not gay. It's...
778
01:02:51,177 --> 01:02:53,111
No, I'm sorry. That's gay.
779
01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:55,143
It's not gay. It's not.
780
01:02:55,348 --> 01:02:58,977
It's how we do it in 507, dick.
781
01:02:59,185 --> 01:03:02,052
- Ask anybody.
- All right, I will. I'll ask my friend Paul.
782
01:03:02,255 --> 01:03:05,383
We're boating tomorrow.
I'll ask him when we're out in the seas.
783
01:03:06,025 --> 01:03:09,358
- Paul?
- My friend Paul, who is my partner.
784
01:03:10,897 --> 01:03:13,388
He's my friend. We're also partners.
785
01:03:14,434 --> 01:03:17,164
- Life partner?
- No, business partners.
786
01:03:17,370 --> 01:03:20,203
We opened an antique shop together.
787
01:03:20,406 --> 01:03:22,169
- That's gay.
- Why is that gay?
788
01:03:22,375 --> 01:03:25,742
Why are antiques gay? Because
I like old things that are kitschy?
789
01:03:27,980 --> 01:03:29,709
I'm Beowulf!
790
01:03:30,149 --> 01:03:33,482
Excuse me, are you ready
to get your ass kicked?
791
01:03:39,826 --> 01:03:43,694
Oh, hell, no, Kung Fu Panda.
792
01:03:44,397 --> 01:03:46,888
You shouldn't have done that.
793
01:03:52,939 --> 01:03:55,533
Get ready to feel the thunder.
794
01:04:23,970 --> 01:04:25,801
Your girl looks familiar, man.
795
01:04:26,005 --> 01:04:30,704
Last year, I paid her 20 bucks
for 20 minutes, if you know what I mean.
796
01:04:31,043 --> 01:04:33,603
It's true. And a curious factoid:
797
01:04:33,813 --> 01:04:37,044
Pandas actually have
three descending testicles.
798
01:04:38,851 --> 01:04:40,409
That's it.
799
01:05:33,272 --> 01:05:34,637
Oh, shit.
800
01:05:42,582 --> 01:05:44,709
Oh, wonderful job.
801
01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:52,651
My dear prince
You have defended my honor
802
01:05:53,559 --> 01:05:55,254
Kiss me, baby.
803
01:06:18,150 --> 01:06:21,586
- You a dude?
- I'm a trannie. I thought you knew.
804
01:06:22,788 --> 01:06:24,255
No.
805
01:06:35,268 --> 01:06:36,496
Get him, Will.
806
01:06:37,303 --> 01:06:39,771
- I am Beowulf.
- Yeah, I know already.
807
01:06:39,972 --> 01:06:42,532
Surrender so we can go get brunch.
808
01:06:42,742 --> 01:06:46,007
And I got us tickets to Jersey Boys.
809
01:06:46,245 --> 01:06:47,769
No.
810
01:06:59,925 --> 01:07:01,119
We can go to my place.
811
01:07:01,327 --> 01:07:05,161
I TiVo'd Dancing with the Stars,
results show.
812
01:07:05,364 --> 01:07:07,229
- No!
- Beowulf!
813
01:07:09,101 --> 01:07:11,797
I wanna take you
on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.
814
01:07:12,004 --> 01:07:15,462
Just me, you,
and my dear friend George Takei.
815
01:07:15,975 --> 01:07:17,465
Screw this.
816
01:07:17,910 --> 01:07:20,208
I'm Beowulf!
817
01:07:21,480 --> 01:07:24,210
Beowulf out.
818
01:07:27,887 --> 01:07:29,445
Hurry, we're running out of time.
819
01:08:01,554 --> 01:08:03,146
Indiana Jones?
820
01:08:06,125 --> 01:08:07,524
Indiana, my ass.
821
01:08:09,261 --> 01:08:10,489
I'll take it from here.
822
01:08:17,002 --> 01:08:20,438
Thanks, son.
That's right, I'm your father.
823
01:08:22,575 --> 01:08:25,544
- You're my dad?
- Your mom got around.
824
01:08:25,745 --> 01:08:28,612
- A real slut, actually.
- Right, I get it.
825
01:08:28,814 --> 01:08:30,304
She did this special thing...
826
01:08:30,516 --> 01:08:34,543
...with her big toe and candle wax...
- Okay.
827
01:08:34,754 --> 01:08:36,847
I'm sorry I walked out
on you and your mother.
828
01:08:37,056 --> 01:08:38,956
But I got an adventurous spirit...
829
01:08:39,158 --> 01:08:41,854
...and a hot-ass whore
in every major city.
830
01:08:43,496 --> 01:08:45,020
What do we have here?
831
01:08:45,231 --> 01:08:46,698
Is this your girl?
832
01:08:46,899 --> 01:08:50,130
- Yeah.
- What a nice young lady.
833
01:08:50,336 --> 01:08:52,133
And you got some shape on you.
834
01:08:52,338 --> 01:08:54,670
Yeah, baby. You're so nice.
835
01:08:54,874 --> 01:08:58,173
- And you got some ass on you.
- Dad.
836
01:08:58,377 --> 01:09:00,538
- Oh, so beautiful.
- Dad.
837
01:09:00,746 --> 01:09:04,648
If a nice ass meant a hamburger,
baby, you'd have a Whopper.
838
01:09:04,850 --> 01:09:06,249
- Oh, shit.
- Dad.
839
01:09:06,452 --> 01:09:10,183
Do you do Pilates?
I'm just asking. Just asking.
840
01:09:13,659 --> 01:09:16,560
Don't do what your old man did.
Settle down.
841
01:09:18,130 --> 01:09:19,995
Hell, I got gonorrhea so many times...
842
01:09:20,199 --> 01:09:22,258
...my johnson looked like a melted
Baby Ruth.
843
01:09:23,736 --> 01:09:27,331
Hell, in the '70s, my nickname was
Chlamydia Jones.
844
01:09:28,707 --> 01:09:32,871
There is no cure for herpes,
and I bullshit you not.
845
01:09:33,679 --> 01:09:35,408
Thanks, Dad.
846
01:09:57,736 --> 01:10:00,569
- This looks easy.
- Not as easy as it used to be.
847
01:10:04,810 --> 01:10:07,142
Oh, shit, my hip.
848
01:10:12,284 --> 01:10:15,276
- You know I gotta get my hustle on.
- Bye, Dad.
849
01:10:17,690 --> 01:10:18,850
I'm gonna make it.
850
01:10:19,058 --> 01:10:20,650
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
851
01:10:20,860 --> 01:10:22,122
Oh, shit!
852
01:10:25,231 --> 01:10:28,064
That hurts. Oh, shit!
853
01:10:55,394 --> 01:11:00,525
Why don't you just walk to the altar?
It's like 10 feet away.
854
01:11:01,534 --> 01:11:03,365
Silly girl.
855
01:11:10,709 --> 01:11:13,803
No, don't cry. I'll be fine.
856
01:12:00,659 --> 01:12:02,320
I am the Guru Shitka.
857
01:12:02,528 --> 01:12:06,157
And we are here today
to bring together Amy and Will...
858
01:12:06,365 --> 01:12:09,300
...in a union of peace and happiness.
859
01:12:09,501 --> 01:12:15,337
And to point out, gee,
Amy, you are totally hot. TM.
860
01:12:17,376 --> 01:12:18,934
Amy, do you take Will...
861
01:12:19,144 --> 01:12:22,841
...to be your peanut butter and jelly
that goes into your love belly?
862
01:12:23,048 --> 01:12:24,072
I do.
863
01:12:24,283 --> 01:12:28,686
And, Will, do you take Amy
to be your doughnut of love...
864
01:12:28,887 --> 01:12:31,879
...that you'll fill with cream every day?
865
01:12:32,091 --> 01:12:33,080
I do.
866
01:12:36,295 --> 01:12:39,594
Well, in that case, give her a pound.
867
01:12:40,532 --> 01:12:42,625
Lock it down.
868
01:12:43,002 --> 01:12:44,867
Break the pickle.
869
01:12:45,270 --> 01:12:46,430
Now, tickle my pickle.
870
01:12:55,714 --> 01:12:56,703
I love you, Will.
871
01:12:56,915 --> 01:12:58,974
I love you too, Amy.
872
01:12:59,284 --> 01:13:01,718
But there's something I should tell you.
873
01:13:02,821 --> 01:13:03,810
What is it?
874
01:13:16,602 --> 01:13:17,830
I'm fucking Matt Damon
875
01:13:18,504 --> 01:13:20,836
You're fucking Matt Damon?
876
01:13:21,040 --> 01:13:22,564
Well, I'm fucking Hannah Montana
877
01:13:22,775 --> 01:13:24,174
She's fucking Hannah Montana
878
01:13:24,376 --> 01:13:27,971
Backstage at my concert
Fucks me on my parents' bed
879
01:13:28,180 --> 01:13:31,240
After school, at my locker,
In the car I give her head
880
01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,974
I'm also fucking the Flava
881
01:13:33,185 --> 01:13:35,653
Yeah, boy
She's fucking Flava-Flav, fool
882
01:13:35,854 --> 01:13:38,652
You know what time it is
Because I'm fucking Juney too
883
01:13:39,725 --> 01:13:43,161
Yeah, I know, but it's true
Flava-Flav, he fucks me too
884
01:13:43,362 --> 01:13:46,627
And I swap with Calvin
And he swaps with that dude
885
01:13:46,832 --> 01:13:48,265
And we're all fucking Hellboy
886
01:13:49,034 --> 01:13:54,802
Yeah, they're fucking Hellboy
And I'm fucking the Hulk
887
01:13:55,007 --> 01:13:58,374
When I get really mad
I start fucking Iron Man
888
01:13:58,577 --> 01:14:01,774
A most uncomfortable screw
But I fuck the princess too
889
01:14:03,482 --> 01:14:05,347
Who's that ringing on my bell?
890
01:14:05,551 --> 01:14:07,314
The bitch who's fucking Iron Man
891
01:14:07,519 --> 01:14:12,286
That's l-R-O-N M-A-N
And I fuck him in the mouth
892
01:14:12,491 --> 01:14:15,983
That's fucking great
Because I'm fucking Wolf
893
01:14:18,430 --> 01:14:20,091
He's fucking Wolf
Ain't that a pity?
894
01:14:20,299 --> 01:14:23,632
Because I'm fucking those bitches
From Sex and the City
895
01:14:25,037 --> 01:14:28,006
He fucks the Sex and the City gals
896
01:14:28,207 --> 01:14:31,005
So I wondered:
Would Wolf really get jealous...
897
01:14:31,210 --> 01:14:34,202
...if he knew we were fucking
that guy with the big utility belt?
898
01:14:35,814 --> 01:14:37,042
They're all fucking Batman
899
01:14:37,249 --> 01:14:40,446
At Wayne Manor, in the Batcave
Butler Alfred is our love slave
900
01:14:40,652 --> 01:14:42,347
Riddle me this
Holy bathhouse
901
01:14:42,554 --> 01:14:44,044
I'm fucking Amy Winehouse?
902
01:14:44,256 --> 01:14:47,555
He's fucking Amy Winehouse
903
01:14:47,760 --> 01:14:50,354
Yeah, on the down-low, low, low
904
01:14:50,562 --> 01:14:53,497
And I'm fucking Jessica Simpson
905
01:14:54,233 --> 01:14:57,396
'Cause I'm on blow, blow, blow
906
01:14:57,603 --> 01:15:01,562
She's fucking Jessica Simpson
Oh, yeah
907
01:15:01,774 --> 01:15:05,801
And I think I might have fucked
That hot assassin
908
01:15:06,011 --> 01:15:09,174
Everyone's fucked me
And I've fucked them back, you see
909
01:15:09,381 --> 01:15:12,714
And the Mexican too
With the tragic hairdo
910
01:15:13,152 --> 01:15:16,087
Call it, heads, I'm fucking J. T.
911
01:15:16,288 --> 01:15:19,223
I'm fucking that male model
'Cause he's so fine
912
01:15:19,424 --> 01:15:22,552
And I like to get up
In them Calvin Kleins
913
01:15:22,761 --> 01:15:29,132
It's true, J. T. fucked my ass again
But I'm also fucking Prince Caspian
914
01:15:29,668 --> 01:15:32,865
I am handsome and I am cool
915
01:15:33,071 --> 01:15:36,268
That's why this prince
Fucks the kids from high school
916
01:15:40,145 --> 01:15:41,635
- Come on
- Let's hear it
917
01:15:41,847 --> 01:15:43,781
- Now's the time to party
- Let me hear you
918
01:15:43,982 --> 01:15:46,143
- You know what time it is?
- No, what time is it?
919
01:15:46,351 --> 01:15:48,285
- It's time to get fucked
- Fuck me
920
01:15:48,487 --> 01:15:50,546
- No, fuck me
- Fuck me
921
01:15:50,756 --> 01:15:52,690
He fucks all us kids in high school
922
01:15:52,891 --> 01:15:56,827
Under the bleachers, in the showers
While we're changing for gym class
923
01:15:57,029 --> 01:15:58,860
- I'm fucking Oprah
- I'm fucking Obama
924
01:15:59,064 --> 01:16:01,157
I'm fucking Indiana's ass
925
01:16:01,366 --> 01:16:05,325
She's fucking Indiana
And I'm fucking Hancock
926
01:16:05,537 --> 01:16:09,098
He's fucking Hancock
And I'm fucking Beowulf
927
01:16:09,308 --> 01:16:12,766
You know you like it
And I'm fucking Kung Fu Panda
928
01:16:12,978 --> 01:16:15,469
And I'm fucking Michael Jackson
929
01:16:16,882 --> 01:16:19,908
Don't judge me
I love my animals, you see
930
01:16:20,118 --> 01:16:21,847
Oh, yeah, he's fucking the Chipmunks
931
01:16:22,054 --> 01:16:25,615
Sad to say, but it's true
He fucks the Chipmunks, yeah
932
01:18:51,837 --> 01:18:53,464
You just got Wolfed.
933
01:18:53,672 --> 01:18:56,573
That's a little move I learned in jail.
934
01:18:56,775 --> 01:18:58,174
Yeah, I was in jail.
935
01:18:58,377 --> 01:19:00,937
Wolf wrote some bad checks in '95.
936
01:19:01,146 --> 01:19:03,273
Left foot, yellow.
937
01:19:04,616 --> 01:19:05,981
Oh, that's right, I fall.
938
01:19:11,957 --> 01:19:14,983
Sorry about that. This is mine.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
939
01:19:15,660 --> 01:19:19,960
Wait. Oh, this is my jam.
940
01:19:20,165 --> 01:19:22,725
Oh, okay. You get on it.
941
01:19:23,168 --> 01:19:24,430
I am Beowulf.
942
01:19:24,636 --> 01:19:28,231
I'm the strongest man
in seven kingdoms.
943
01:19:30,008 --> 01:19:32,533
Let myself go a little bit.
944
01:19:32,744 --> 01:19:34,609
Got a little bit flabby.
945
01:19:34,813 --> 01:19:36,713
I went on that Zone Diet...
946
01:19:36,915 --> 01:19:41,682
...but I would eat like a whole week's
worth of meals in like two days...
947
01:19:41,887 --> 01:19:43,479
...and then be back to square one.
948
01:19:43,688 --> 01:19:47,715
If you've got crack anywhere,
I don't care where it comes from...
949
01:19:47,926 --> 01:19:51,384
If it's in your crack...
If the crack's in your crack.
950
01:19:52,964 --> 01:19:56,229
"If the crack's in your crack."
Oh, that's rich.
951
01:19:56,601 --> 01:19:58,626
You ever been
with a bald doctor before?
952
01:19:58,837 --> 01:20:00,930
- No.
- We give better...
953
01:20:02,974 --> 01:20:05,101
Do I look like Harrison Ford to you?
954
01:20:05,310 --> 01:20:07,505
- He your pimp?
- Oh, good heavens, yes.
955
01:20:11,316 --> 01:20:13,682
Oh, what to do? Yes, I've got it.
956
01:20:13,885 --> 01:20:17,343
You can be my prince of light,
and you can be my prince of darkness.
957
01:20:17,556 --> 01:20:19,387
- Yes. No? Okay.
- No.
958
01:20:20,325 --> 01:20:22,452
Left foot, yellow.
959
01:20:23,895 --> 01:20:25,658
Look at this onion.
960
01:20:25,864 --> 01:20:29,857
Baby, how did you get into it with him.
You should be with me.
961
01:20:30,068 --> 01:20:33,936
Also, when I make love to a girl,
she's also been Wolfed.
962
01:20:34,139 --> 01:20:39,634
I don't hit her with a stick,
I just have sex with her.
963
01:20:39,845 --> 01:20:41,972
Or him. Doesn't matter.
964
01:20:42,180 --> 01:20:44,375
Wolf goes both ways,
you know what I'm saying?
965
01:20:44,583 --> 01:20:47,017
I got us tickets
to Madonna's reunion show...
966
01:20:47,219 --> 01:20:49,414
...and then I wanna
kiss your sweet face.
967
01:20:49,621 --> 01:20:51,350
No!
968
01:20:52,557 --> 01:20:54,650
Take it from the top again.
She says, "Hello."
969
01:20:54,860 --> 01:20:57,658
Don't hit her so hard.
Just hit her really lightly.
970
01:20:57,863 --> 01:20:59,296
Okay?
971
01:20:59,998 --> 01:21:01,397
Good enough for me.
972
01:21:03,135 --> 01:21:04,864
It's all very funny.
973
01:21:05,670 --> 01:21:07,137
Cut.
974
01:21:07,806 --> 01:21:11,537
Oh, it's my Blake, incarcerated.
Hi, Blakey.
975
01:21:11,743 --> 01:21:14,143
How are you? I love you.
976
01:21:14,346 --> 01:21:16,177
He did not kill those three prostitutes.
977
01:21:16,381 --> 01:21:20,374
They were already dead when he
got to them. I'm swearing to God.
978
01:21:20,886 --> 01:21:23,912
Look, I have to tell you something.
I'm not really a banker.
979
01:21:24,122 --> 01:21:25,749
As my voice cracks.
980
01:21:25,957 --> 01:21:31,020
Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
981
01:21:31,229 --> 01:21:34,596
I can teleport through space and time.
982
01:21:37,936 --> 01:21:40,302
- What is it again? Time and space.
- Time and space.
983
01:21:40,705 --> 01:21:42,297
Look, I have something to tell you.
984
01:21:42,507 --> 01:21:44,702
I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
985
01:21:44,910 --> 01:21:47,879
- A what?
- I can teleport through time...
986
01:21:54,286 --> 01:21:55,617
You're a talking panda.
987
01:21:55,820 --> 01:21:59,347
Come back to my magical kingdom,
and I'll show you my talking beaver.
988
01:21:59,858 --> 01:22:01,758
It just keeps coming.
989
01:22:01,960 --> 01:22:05,794
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Milk in your mouth.
990
01:22:11,703 --> 01:22:18,541
Hey, is my singing stick on?
It is on? Is the singing stick on?
991
01:22:21,246 --> 01:22:24,545
You know, everyone wants to know
where I got my:
992
01:22:24,749 --> 01:22:27,809
It all started one night
when I was crying in my truck.
993
01:22:28,019 --> 01:22:30,920
Yeah. I ain't crying no more, man.
994
01:22:31,122 --> 01:22:33,113
Fourteenth highest-rated show on TV.
995
01:22:33,325 --> 01:22:36,226
I got a time-share in Key West.
996
01:22:36,928 --> 01:22:41,194
Oh, baby, I make shoes
997
01:22:41,399 --> 01:22:45,267
And these are my boobs
998
01:22:45,470 --> 01:22:47,700
I want you to see me
in my birthday suit.
999
01:22:47,906 --> 01:22:50,136
I want you to watch me
take a bubble bath.
1000
01:22:50,342 --> 01:22:53,209
I'm gonna play around with the bubbles
and make a little beard.
1001
01:22:53,411 --> 01:22:55,345
Pretend I'm Santa Claus.
1002
01:22:56,715 --> 01:22:59,411
Oh, son, I'm loving this.
1003
01:22:59,784 --> 01:23:03,220
Hang on a bit.
You're a bit of stuff, aren't you?
1004
01:23:03,421 --> 01:23:06,481
Look at you.
What are you packing under there?
1005
01:23:06,691 --> 01:23:08,215
What are you hiding under that?
1006
01:23:08,426 --> 01:23:11,293
I can see your sausage and biscuits.
1007
01:23:12,631 --> 01:23:14,155
I love sausage and biscuits.
1008
01:23:27,379 --> 01:23:29,176
Wonderful!
1009
01:23:30,248 --> 01:23:32,341
I'd like to get you naked
and analyze you.
1010
01:23:32,550 --> 01:23:34,677
Oh, shit.
1011
01:23:34,886 --> 01:23:37,286
Do you like this shirt?
I totally made it myself.
1012
01:23:37,489 --> 01:23:40,083
Well, it's because I ripped it.
It's because I burned it.
1013
01:23:40,292 --> 01:23:41,987
I was leaning over my birthday candles.
1014
01:23:42,193 --> 01:23:43,922
I was gonna blow them out,
make a wish.
1015
01:23:44,129 --> 01:23:45,756
Instead my shirt caught on fire.
1016
01:23:46,197 --> 01:23:49,894
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.
1017
01:23:50,235 --> 01:23:52,203
I'll take those odds.
1018
01:23:53,405 --> 01:23:55,339
Do you hear that train?
1019
01:23:57,709 --> 01:24:01,440
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.
1020
01:24:01,646 --> 01:24:03,307
I'll take those odds.
1021
01:24:03,515 --> 01:24:06,712
You hear that train again?
You hear that again, that second time?
1022
01:24:07,118 --> 01:24:10,884
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.
1023
01:24:11,323 --> 01:24:12,381
I'll take those...
1024
01:24:12,590 --> 01:24:15,058
Train. I knew it was coming too. Yeah.
1025
01:24:15,260 --> 01:24:19,060
- Is that the train we should catch?
- No, no. Take a...
1026
01:24:21,766 --> 01:24:22,755
Couple more?
1027
01:24:22,967 --> 01:24:25,834
You're hot. Are those things real?
1028
01:24:27,839 --> 01:24:32,037
Hey, everybody, be sure to remember
to always use Proactiv. It helped me.
1029
01:24:32,243 --> 01:24:36,907
It helped my skin
It helped my skin
1030
01:24:37,115 --> 01:24:42,781
It helped my skin
It helped my skin, baby
1031
01:24:42,987 --> 01:24:46,354
It helped me. I used to have it
all around this part of my face...
1032
01:24:46,558 --> 01:24:48,355
...and all around my talking hole...
1033
01:24:48,560 --> 01:24:52,018
...and then out of this squishy part
right here.
1034
01:24:52,230 --> 01:24:54,721
I had it everywhere, and now it's gone.
1035
01:24:54,933 --> 01:25:00,064
There's a medical term
for what you do to me: Horny.
1036
01:27:00,065 --> 01:27:01,066
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71966
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