Original subtitles

(Suspenseful rock music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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♪ The door is open, good morning ♪

♪ if you're lucky, maybe baby I will call you back yeah ♪

♪ show me darling what you've got ♪

♪ already in love and I've only seen your headshot ♪

♪ if you impress me in the flesh ♪

♪ perhaps I'll let you be my misses ♪

♪ I know I'll find a girl ♪

♪ if I bring in them all ♪

♪ it's a genius way to find a love of my life ♪

♪ cattle call ♪

♪ cattle call ♪

♪ don't be nervous, don't be shy ♪

♪ it's just an audition to see ♪

♪ which girl I want to be mine ♪

♪ so listen up and take your Mark ♪

♪ this is your chance to give me heart a jump start ♪

♪ so turn around and look away ♪

♪ stay in the room ♪

♪ I just want those heads sway ♪

♪ I know I'll find a girl ♪

♪ if I bring in them all ♪

♪ it's a genius way to find the love of my life ♪

♪ I know I'll find a girl ♪

♪ if I bring in them all ♪

♪ it's a genius way to find the love of my life ♪

♪ cattle call ♪

(Upbeat rock music)

- Gosh, I love to... I love to shop.

I mean, no, I love to go camping.

- One time, this boyfriend was cheating on me,

and a week later, he lost his job.

And then his car got wrecked.

And then a tree fell on his house.

- He has to at least five tattoos,

or five piercings, I don't care.

If not, don't even bother talking to me.

I've been sober for six hours, yeah, six hours.

- I have a lot of cats.

- I like sex, I actually do like it,

and I have sex with guys just for fun.

- Although I am from Utah,

so I guess I may be biased

to prefer someone that's being Mormon.

And make my grandma happy.

- I'm a professional body painter,

so pretty much I just roll around naked and paint.

I'm actually in the process

of developing a human slingshot,

so I can do walls in houses.

- I used to be miss teen USA.

- I'm terribly afraid of crabs.

Not the std, well, yeah, the std too I guess.

- Hi.

My name is Debbie.

And I'm looking for a very handsome guy that's funny,

smart, rich couldn't hurt.

(Laughing)

- That's great.

That's fantastic.

- Alright, thanks for calling, alright, bye.

Dude, that was Sigourney,

the girl I met at the casting agency last week.

- Is that some sort of new kind of dating service?

- No no no, man.

The casting agency where my sister works.

And there's this huge rejects bin filled with head shots.

- So what did you do?

- As I'm sifting through,

I find this one that has playboy credits.

She's beautiful.

I'm like, I have to, have to talk to this girl.

So I'm writing it down and everything,

and this janitor walks in.

What are you doing?

Listen... this is my job.

- No no no no no no.

- It's my job. - I want these.

- It's my job.

- Take the trash bag home, right?

And I call that girl.

I told her, listen,

even though she was rejected by the casting agency,

I wanted her.

I want to cast her in my music video.

- What music video?

- Richie, if I want,

I could easily make a music video.

- [Richie] Isn't this girl gonna freak out?

- No. - [Richie] When she finds out

you're not making one. - Like I said,

if I really really have to,

I'll make the freaking video.

- How?

- With your camera.

- Oh that's if I let you use my digital camera.

- You're not gonna let me use it.

- You're running a fake casting agency

so you can lie to some women and sleep with them.

- That's borderline genius, man.

That's a brilliant idea!

Think about it, man.

Think about what you just said.

This is a way for you and me (Lively music)

To meet the girl of our dreams.

All we have to do is like,

just place an ad in one of those actor trade paper things,

and man, we'll have a ton of prospects.

We'll have tons and tons of beautiful women

knocking on our door.

I mean, you'll end up finding your girlfriend.

Or who knows, maybe your wife.

It's a great idea, man.

And we should do it.

Listen, it's like a personal ad.

All we're doing is casting someone

to play the perfect person for you.

- You're happy lying to women

and now you want me to lie to them too.

- When the girl really gets to know you, Richie, okay,

when the girls gets to really really know you,

she's gonna think you met by chance.

That is meant to be.

(Steady music)

Look at this, beautiful.

It's amazing.

The ad is really working.

Look at...

These girls are gorgeous, man.

This is disgusting.

No, no.

What do you think of this?

- I think that you're a psycho.

- No, listen.

When you look at these photos, okay,

I'm showing you there's a lot of red flags here.

Her eyebrows are super super thick.

Her nose, this girl, look at it.

It looks like a Saint Bernard.

And you gotta look really carefully here, look.

See, right there, the hair on her arms.

She's very hairy, it's disgusting.

- Sherman, I get the point.

- I'm doing this for you, man.

When was the last time you got laid?

- Why do you need to know?

- Exactly.

I need to use your video camera.

- Why do you need my video camera?

- For the auditions.

- What auditions.

- And we're gonna actually need an office space, too.

I mean, with a waiting room, or something.

- Why don't we just add in a jacuzzi and a sauna?

We'll do a weight room, maybe some vaulted ceilings.

That'll be nice, a wet bar. - Listen.

In order to do this right, Richie,

it has to be a legitimate operation.

- A legitimate operation. - Right.

- Right right, for a fake casting agency.

That's great.

- We need an office space,

whether it's fake or not.

- And who's gonna pay for that?

(Phone ringing) (Mellow music)

- I don't hear anything.

Hello?

- Yes?

- [Sherman] Glen?

- Yes.

- You are such a freak, man.

Everyone I know says hello or something

after they answer the phone.

Glen, hello, are you there?

- Yes.

- What are you doing, man?

You're doing it again.

You're giving me no indication that you're there.

- Did the phone stop ringing?

- [Sherman] Yes it stopped ringing.

- Well then you can assume

that someone picked up the phone.

- I can't believe I'm having

this conversation with you, Glen.

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

- What's wrong with you, whoever you are?

- Glen, we need to talk to you

about renting some office space.

- Alright.

Let's talk, then.

(Upbeat rock music)

♪ The door is open, come on in ♪

♪ if you're lucky, maybe baby I will call you back in ♪

♪ show me darling what you've got ♪

♪ already in love and I've only seen your headshot ♪

♪ if you impress me in the flesh ♪

♪ perhaps I'll make you be the misses ♪

♪ I know I'll find a girl ♪

♪ if I bring in them all ♪

♪ it's a genius way to find the love of my life ♪

- Reject.

- Alright, see ya.

Hey, Sherman, you realize that you're throwing

out girls that you would normally

try to pick up at a bar, right?

- Richie, the whole point of this

is to get supreme quality ass.

- Okay, well...

How about this one?

She looks like Lucy Liu.

- She's hot, keep her, right?

Look how hot she is.

- Alright, here.

Keep her.

- Ooh, look at this.

A Hilary duff lookalike.

She's beautiful.

Keep her, right?

- [Richie] Yeah keep her, keep her.

- Absolutely, look at her.

This looks exactly like Morgan Fairchild.

- Well does everybody have to look like somebody?

- This looks, look!

- Sherman, it is Morgan Fairchild.

Marina Del, I don't know who she looks like,

but you know, she's cute.

- In the casting business, we say turn her over.

- Okay.

- Casting directors and producers,

they look at this.

They look at the actors' credits.

But we, we look at this section right here.

Special skills.

Swimming, cooking, rollerblading.

Working with underprivileged children.

What does that mean?

- That she likes kids.

- Exactly, you're catching on.

- Wait, it's like a personal ad.

- [Sherman] Absolutely.

- Then we keep her. - [Sherman] Absolutely.

- Alright, alright, look at this girl.

She's got her sizes right on the front.

- Oh man, (spattering) Brunsky.

You don't know what that means?

You never did that.

Brunsky. (Spattering)

It's when you stick your face

in between two substantially large breasts,

and you blow really really hard,

and you shake your head.

(Spattering)

Side to side like that.

The combination of the air and the movement

causes a sound, a slapping sound,

that goes in your ear drum.

And that sound is Brunsky (spattering).

- Turn her over.

- You should try it.

Weight lifting, mud wrestling, martial arts,

horse trotting, I mean, absolutely, bring her in.

- No no no, army tank mechanic,

tractor and caterpillar driver.

I say we toss her. - Yeah, whatever.

Oops, sorry.

- She's a Brunsky.

- Yes she is.

What's that?

Hey, I saw that, Glen.

- I think she's a keeper.

I'm gonna call her.

- No you're not.

- [Richie] Oh okay, what time do you want

to start calling them tomorrow?

- [Sherman] What time, we call them right now.

- [Richie] We can't call 'em now, it's too late.

- Richie, it's not too late.

These girls are out of work actresses.

I mean, these are their office hours.

They're desperate.

- Oh great, then we should call them right now.

Let's do that. - [Sherman] Do it.

- [Richie] What do you think about her?

She's a keeper, right? - [Sherman] She's hot.

- She's a keeper, great. - [Sherman] Call her.

- Let's call.

It's two o'clock in the morning.

It's the perfect time to call

and then schedule an audition for next week.

That's great.

We'll call her.

Oh good, it's ringing.

It's ringing.

Hi...

Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you up?

So sorry.

My name's Richie Rey,

and I'm producing a film,

and we got your headshot,

and we chose it out of hundreds of,

no no, thousands of submissions.

And based upon your special skills being so special.

And we'd like you to come in and audition.

Oh, fantastic, yeah.

Oh one last thing.

Can you bring some form of birth control, please?

- Give me the phone.

- The director actually just walked in,

and he would like to speak with you.

His name is Glen.

Glen, his name's Glen Dale.

Mr. Dale, here he is.

- Hello. (Mellow music)

This is Mr. Dale.

(Laughing)

Hello.

She just hung up. - Nice.

- You know, if she had caller ID,

we would be in big trouble right now.

- Glen, it was a make believe phone call.

- Not to her.

(Steady music)

I left the seat up, excuse me.

Try to be considerate.

(Farting)

Excuse me.

That was me.

Over the sheets, too.

Not good.

(Upbeat music)

(Chattering)

- [Woman] Cool, put this on my tab.

- Hi, excuse me.

I was just wondering if you had any casting papers,

or something that could sort of help me?

- Here's your casting call.

Go out there and kill 'em, kid.

- Okay, three dollars? - Three bucks.

I know you're gonna do it.

- Thanks.

- [Shop owner] Let me know how you make out.

- Okay.

- Women always ask questions.

Wait, I got it.

I got it!

Hi, I'm calling to schedule you for an audition.

For an independent film.

I mean, chicks love independent films, right?

That's perfect!

That's absolutely perfect.

That means we don't have to have a script,

we don't have to have a schedule,

we don't have to have a budget.

Nothing, no money.

That's it!

No pay.

Just a golden opportunity

to be in an independent film.

That's perfect!

Independent filmmakers!

We're independent filmmakers.

That's it, I'm calling right now.

Who should we call, this girl, Holly?

- What about yeah, this girl number one, yeah.

- Girl number one, alright.

This is gonna work.

Here we go.

Richie Rey on the line, please hold.

Talk.

- Speakerphone.

- Hi, this is Richie Rey.

Thank you for answering the phone.

We'd like to have you in for an audition.

- [Holly] Cool, for what?

- For an independent film.

- [Holly] Ooh an indie, what's it called?

- Perfect for me.

- [Holly] What's the vibe? Sounds karmic.

- Yeah, it's got some funny stuff in it.

Then sometimes it's not funny at all.

- [Holly] Right. - Sad, really.

Then it gets kinda creepy.

But it's mainly funny. - [Holly] Uh huh, mm-hmm.

- Because it's a comedy.

- [Holly] Who's producing?

- Me, and Sherman oaks.

With Glen Dale directing.

- [Holly] What should I wear?

- Dress like a ho.

- [Holly] A ho?

Sure, okay peace.

- I told you! (Laughing)

(Upbeat music)

Yes!

Good work.

That was awesome.

I told you it would work.

I told you.

(Phone ringing)

- Casting, perfect for me.

- This is Marina Del.

- Marina, I was just looking at your picture.

- I... I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit nervous.

I've never done this before.

- This is actually my first time, too.

- Casting?

- Well, it's the first time,

first time... You know, dealing with the casting and stuff.

You know, the movie thing.

- You're funny.

I hope you're the director.

- [Richie] I'm not, but I'm glad that I'm funny.

- Oh well.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

Okay cool, well I'll see you then.

- Bye.

Director.

Hey Glen.

You're definitely, you want to be the director.

I mean, you want to swap with me?

Director, producer.

- I'm not the swapping kind.

(Upbeat rock music)

♪ She packed her things along with her dreams ♪

♪ stony eyes, wide awake ♪

♪ now I'm craving ♪

♪ so hungry ♪

♪ believing everyone she meets ♪

♪ leaving her heart and soul back east ♪

♪ for the dream of fame and fortune ♪

♪ mansions on the beach ♪

♪ it's alright ♪

♪ it's okay ♪

- I think it's the director.

- It is the director! (All yelling)

♪ Welcome to Monday ♪

- I'm chickarella! (All yelling)

- What do you like in a relationship?

What do you need?

- Number one rule, honesty.

- Honesty's a big thing.

- Honest. - No man can lie to me.

- So honesty, plus big wiener.

- Men lie to me, that's it, that's just it.

- If you can get past that little prick.

- If this was an audition for a porno,

what would you do?

- I can get myself down here into a pretzel.

- I'm not gonna do that.

(Slaps)

- Yay!

- Just like mellow out.

And smoke some dope.

- My teacher said that I should really

be working on my sexuality.

And so he's been having me do these

private coachings with him.

He has me do them naked.

- Do you think I could've gotten the job

if it did it this way?

Probably.

So let me try. - Pretend that he's here,

because he's not here, so I can't actually do it.

But he just takes down his pants,

and then I'm like...

Something like that.

- It's the roller head look.

- Just gonna grab you like this,

and we're gonna go for a little bit of a roll.

- Preferably younger.

I love the frat boys with their little paddles.

Or a man with long hair like Tarzan.

- Can you get out?

- No.

- I like it when a guy tries to impress me.

- I think I...

(Speaking in foreign language)

- I broke my coccyx. - I'm sorry.

- I don't know what's worse.

A guy with a little wiener,

or a guy with a little wiener

who tells you he has a big one.

As if you're never gonna find out the truth.

(Peeing)

- Listen to that.

You can always tell the size of it

by the sound of the pee.

- No, no, it's directly proportionate.

The deeper the sound,

the bigger it is, and vice versa.

- I thought it was the hands.

- I think it was how low their voice is.

- I thought it was the nose.

- Forget the nose, forget the feet, forget the hands.

It's the force of the pee.

- The force of the pee?

- The force of the pee.

- The force of the pee.

- The force of the pee.

- And by the way, that is so not circumcised.

Stinky pee pee.

- Stinky pee pee.

- Excuse me, hey whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Excuse me, listen.

I'm the writer, I really gotta go.

- Yeah but... - The faster I go,

the faster you guys will be out of here.

Thanks. (Sighing)

- So rude.

- Alright.

Force the pee.

I'll show you girls force the pee.

Come on, buddy.

Don't let me down, alright?

Come on, come on.

- What the heck is taking him so long?

- Men are selfish.

- He better have lifted the seat,

and he better put it down when he's done!

Let's go, speed it up in there!

(Suspenseful music)

(Spraying forcefully)

(Majestic music)

- Hi.

- It's all yours, ladies.

(Upbeat rock music)

- Wow.

(Laughing)

Go to the bathroom! - Go to the bathroom!

(Rock music)

- Once upon a midnight dreary,

while I pondered weak and weary.

- But they should probably just be with someone

who likes little wieners.

- [Richie] Do you find that you're sexually promiscuous?

- You right there.

Oh I could snap you in half.

- How much work these guys are really getting done

if they are the whole day

sitting around watching TV?

- Oh yeah. (Slapping)

(Moaning)

Give it to me.

How about my ass?

Do you like my ass? - Show us your ass.

Lift up your skirt.

Can you lift up your skirt while you pogo?

- Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.

- All they want are these.

- Your breasts are...

I'm willing to bet they're real, right?

- You get a producer, they say,

oh you know, come over to my house for an audition.

Oh it's at your house, really, okay.

I'll try, you know.

You walk in, here, have a drink.

It's as if they're holding auditions

just to pick up a chick.

- No. - No.

- No.

- That he was like making a film,

and I really thought I was auditioning for him.

- This business is mostly run by men

who are mostly scumbags.

- And then he's like slapping my head and stuff.

I was like, what are you doing?

Like my hair was on fire.

- I can feel it.

This gig is about a look,

or who do you look like,

as in the flavors of the days.

- Do any trampoline work?

- Men are ruled by their overwhelming desire

to have orgasms.

- Is there a bikini under that skirt?

- What the, who is this guy?

- Man, agent, manager, blah.

Unless they're doing more for me

than I can do for myself, see ya.

- It beats waiting tables.

- Forget that.

I gave up waiting tables a long time ago.

Now I work for a company called pure romance.

Oh let me show you guys some of my stuff.

(Light guitar music)

♪ Your happiness is my touch ♪

♪ and that's why I hope you'll understand ♪

♪ why I've got this knife in my hand ♪

♪ I'm killing you ♪

♪ I'm killing you ♪

♪ I'm killing you ♪

♪ because you lied ♪

- Feel that. (Buzzing)

And it has a fabulous intense bullet

that's bedded right in the shaft.

♪ All men suck and they should die ♪

♪ all they do is cheat and lie ♪

- And you can use it anywhere or any place.

I like to use it while I'm driving.

- [Sherman] What's with the dog?

- I'm sorry.

Really, I never do this, but he...

I really didn't have anywhere else.

- No, it's fine.

- His name's Mr. Teats.

(Speaking in foreign language)

- You know me from the phone.

- Oh right, hey, how are you?

- Good, good. - Good to see you.

- You can just take a seat there.

- Okay great.

Okay, so I prepared a monologue.

I can just... - [Richie] You won't need it.

- Oh really?

- [Richie] Are you ready right now?

- Well yeah, what are we doing?

- [Richie] I'm just gonna actually

ask you a couple of questions.

All you have to do is answer. - Okay, okay.

- So what do you, are you rolling?

Okay. (Gentle music)

What do you look for in a man?

- Well, someone who loves my dog as much as I do.

Someone who has passion.

Somebody who supports my dreams

and encourages me to go after them.

Somebody not like my current boyfriend.

- [Sherman] Sounds like it's over to me.

- Ah, it depends on who you ask.

- Well, thank you so much for coming in.

- Oh I'm done?

- Yeah, that's all we... That's all that we needed.

- This has been an awkward experience.

- It's fine, it's fine. - But it's my first time.

- It was very nice. - You made it pleasurable.

- All night long.

- I always kind of want to flip you this way, turn you.

- All day.

Everywhere.

- Hi.

I have a 3:30, perfect for me. (Lively music)

Okay, take two.

Hi, I have a 3:30, perfect for me.

- I'm the director. (Coughing)

- Oh... hi.

You okay?

- [Richie] He's fine.

(Coughing)

Okay, sorry about that.

We're gonna ask you... (Coughing)

Man are you done?

- Hi.

- [Richie] Just have a seat right there, and...

- Oh okay. (Coughing)

Is it contagious?

(Coughing)

- [Richie] What are the types of things

that you look for in a man?

- The three C’s.

Cash, cock, and companionship.

Not necessarily in that order.

I mean, any woman who says that

a great hard long banging from a man

isn't the most beautiful magical

downright pleasurable experience on earth,

has either not experienced it

or is a hardcore lesbo.

Don't you think?

- What did she say?

- I don't know, but nice tits.

- Thank you.

- Nice meeting you guys. - [Richie] Nice meeting you.

- You should see a doctor about that.

- She's incredible.

- Amazing.

- Kind of girl you can bring home to mom.

Right, Glen?

Can you please tell us what you think about men?

- Men...

Bueno, I don't understand why they think

that bodily functions are so hysterically funny.

Do you know?

Like burping and farting.

And they're always talking

about how big their last poo poo was.

- I'm a producer.

You want to be in a movie?

(Upbeat music)

- You had a great audition.

- Oh, thank you very much.

- So yeah, I'm thinking about

one of the lead roles for you in our movie.

- A lead role?

I can't believe it!

- I think it's gonna be important to spend time with you.

Get to know each other.

It helps me in rewriting the script.

To get that information and infuse that information

with your character.

- I love the way you work. - Yeah? Me too.

Me too.

Tell me about yourself.

- Oh este, okay bueno, I love pizza,

and I love music.

(Singing)

- Really?

I'm a singer and songwriter.

- No. - Yeah.

(Speaking in foreign language)

- It's funny, I actually, I happen to have

one of my cds actually on me.

Special for you.

- Oh that is so sweet.

Thank you very much.

You know, I should hook you up with my boyfriend.

- Who?

- Oh, I think you and him will connect huge.

He's amazing.

You will love him.

- You know what, I actually, I gotta take this.

It might be a while.

So here.

Here you go.

You get the rest, right?

No no no no, perfect timing.

Alright, keep in touch with yourself, okay?

Yeah. (Ominous)

- Keep in touch with this!

- What, what are you doing? - Sit down!

- What the hell? (Banging)

- Stand up when I talk to you!

(Speaking in foreign language)

No.

Tarzan is a lady.

You don't know who you mess with.

- What's your problem? (Hissing)

You'll be meeting with the director.

His name is Glen Dale, okay?

You're scheduled in.

Thank you.

You're all set.

Lunch with Laurel canyon.

Hey, we are kicking ass, brother.

- What happened to you?

- What? Oh... Nothing.

I just, you know, just cut myself shaving.

Listen, more importantly,

I got a lunch date with roller head.

But I hope it doesn't mess up my dinner date

with little miss Reseda.

- Lunch and dinner?

You have two dates in one day?

- Yeah.

- You're a freak.

- No, listen, man.

When are you gonna just give in

to that primal being of yours

and just review the tapes and go out on some dates?

Even our boy Glen here

has got a little rendezvous set up, come on.

- We're still telling these girls

that we're making a movie.

- Yeah.

- But we're not making a movie.

- Richie, don't sweat it.

Nobody in Hollywood who says they're gonna make a movie

ever makes one.

You're stressing out, man.

Relax. - Okay, okay.

Look, even if, I guess if you have a date,

I should get a date, huh?

- I'm gonna go masturbate.

- I didn't need to know that, Glen.

- Does the carpet match the drapes?

Well, maybe I don't have carpet.

Maybe I wax the floors!

- All they ever think about is their prick.

And you know, it's not that I've been hurt or anything.

It's not like I'm some sort of psycho.

- The guy kept telling me,

"you're gonna be my wife.

You're gonna have my babies.

And don't you like it when the cum squirts

all over your eggs?"

And I'm like, what are you talking about?

So I basically pushed him off of me,

and I noticed that he did cum on me.

He poked a hole in the condom.

- I can go...

- [Richie] Both ways? - Yes.

- [Richie] In real life or for a movie?

- What's the difference?

Well last week, I shot a national commercial,

and today I have three auditions for some TV pilots.

And next week, I have a spot

on the bold and the beautiful,

which I'm like, really positive move for me.

- That's great.

- Oh, and I just met with Robert Murdoch.

And he wants to do an entire project around my aura.

So I'm like really blessed about that.

Very very blessed about that.

- So... how are you?

- I don't get it.

What do you mean?

How am I physically, like my core, my being?

- I asked you to tell me more about yourself,

and you told me how your business is going.

So I was just curious how you're doing, you know.

- I get it, I get it, yeah.

Well, I have allergies bordering on chronic asthma,

and a nasty yeast infection.

And my publicist is doing

this really great endorsement tie-in thing with it.

Oh, here's the thing.

Mercury is in retrograde right now,

so even if you offered me the part,

I can't do it, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, did you say that

they're doing a promotional campaign

on your little problem down there?

- Sort of like that, yeah.

- How does that work?

- Well, it's vagina awareness week.

- Let's see... (Gentle music)

Somebody who's passionate.

Somebody who has dreams and ambition,

and supports mine.

(Phone ringing)

Lenny, hey, hi.

- Lenny, hi?

Where the hell are you?

- Lenny, I explained everything about my game plan

in the note I left you.

- Oh oh oh, had to go,

know you'll understand, love Marina, that note?

- That's the one.

- You know how hard it is

to find a great assistant, huh?

I'm sorry, but even though I love you, you're fired.

- I'm gonna be an actress.

If it kills me, I'm gonna do this.

Meant to be we,

or not meant to be we.

I prefer to exist alone

rather than partake in a meaningless love.

I seek completeness.

And I shall one day share with it.

When if my true king thy come,

now your true queen shall be done.

Never me.

Always we.

- Bravo, bravo. (Clapping)

- You liked it?

- Yeah.

What the hell was it?

- Oh, it was just something

I wrote on my across country.

- So, how do you like Hollywood so far?

- So far, so good.

It'll be better when my dog and I

have a place we can call home.

- Where are you living now?

- Oh, well.

It's kind of embarrassing.

- Oh really, what, are you in orange county?

(Laughing)

- I've been sleeping in my car.

- Well that's not embarrassing.

No it's really not.

You know, I've slept in my car before.

And I don't know about you,

but I've had fun.

It's kind of like camping.

- Okay, good.

♪ Got a guilty situation ♪ (Rock music)

♪ Don't know what to blame, no no no no ♪

♪ your situation all across the nation ♪

♪ 'cause the fornication on the local station ♪

(Clapping)

- What's the clapping for?

- The song is over.

- What song?

- On the... Sound system.

- Right.

So... (Gentle music)

How's it going with the movie?

♪ All you have to do ♪

- Glen?

♪ Is look at me ♪

- Are you listening to the music again?

- I had a dream last night

that Don Knotts tried to kill me.

- That's disturbing.

- It was.

- I bet.

- Especially since he is so beloved.

- Right.

- Do you like me?

- Oh wow.

You know, I don't know you so well, Glen.

That's kind of hard to comment on right now.

- Do you hate me?

- No.

But if you give me a minute.

- Well, if you don't like me and you don't hate me,

you love me.

- Excuse me?

- Well, first you like someone,

then you love someone,

then you hate someone.

Love is in between like and hate.

So, you don't like me, you don't hate me.

You love me.

- Wow.

Okay. - Okay.

- Hello?

- I didn't hear your phone ring.

- It's on silent.

There's just this little light.

Yeah, no, I'm here.

Yeah sure, no problem.

Yeah, like I can be there in 10 minutes.

Yeah, okay, thanks, bye.

Oh, drag.

I gotta go to work.

Sucks, hate it there,

but you know, it pays the bills.

So I'm sorry I gotta go.

- Can I help you?

- Huh? - Can I help you?

- Help me?

No, no I think I'm good.

But well thanks, anyway.

Okay, see ya.

- Thank you for wearing those shoes.

- [Richie] You know, the auditions.

- Right, so we're still in audition mode?

- Well, what did you think this was some sort of date?

- Oh... I don't know.

- Would you go on a date with me?

- I mean... Maybe if you weren't the producer of this movie.

- If my boyfriend promises to eat at my restaurant

and my restaurant only,

that I'm open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

♪ I've been walking ♪ (Rock music)

- Your style is so like, rock star.

- Really? I play music too.

- No way. - Yeah.

I'm a singer and a songwriter as well.

- That's so amazing.

- I actually have one of my cds on me.

- You do? - Yeah.

Here, special for you.

- Lucky girl, I get to listen to this?

- Keep it, it's yours.

- Thank you. - Absolutely.

- This is so crazy because actually

I'm a singer as well.

- You are? - I know I didn't

tell you at the audition.

- Really? - Yeah.

- I actually have a recording studio

back at my apartment.

- That's so cool. - Yeah.

♪ I've been driving, I've been searching ♪

- Woo!

Oh, so hard to do.

- It's hot in here.

Yeah...

- Wow.

Look at you.

- Yeah, look at me, right? (Laughing)

Look at me.

- Yeah.

- So listen, I'm gonna play the ax here.

Alright, and this is the song that's gonna be in the video.

- Oh cool, okay.

- One two three four!

♪ Na na, na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ under the covers, fogging up the sheets ♪

♪ under the covers, finding something good to eat ♪

♪ na na na na na ♪ ♪ baby baby baby ♪

♪ na na na na, baby ♪

♪ na na na na na, na na na na na na na ♪

- Oh! (Rock music)

Wait, Sherman, no!

I don't know, Sherman, wait, Sherman.

Sherman, wait, mind you.

We shouldn't do this because

I don't want you to lose respect for me as an artist.

Hold on, okay wait, wait. - I respect you,

we're artists, we're open minded.

- Well wait a second, what about...

Shouldn't we wait til the wrap party, at least?

Okay hold on, wait wait, wait listen.

Don't, okay.

Do you have a girlfriend?

- No. - Are you sure?

- I'd never cheat. - Wait.

Are you gonna call me tomorrow?

Are you gonna call me or?

Oh, oh my.

(Spitting) (Laughing)

Oh Sherman.

♪ Can't say goodbye ♪ (Rock music)

♪ 9:00 in the morning ♪

♪ heading for the door ♪

♪ she says where you going ♪

- Oh hey.

What are you doing here?

Okay.

Well it's really good to see you.

♪ She said I want it ♪

- Alright, why don't you, I don't know,

grab a table or something,

and I'll go get you a drink, okay?

- I want a Brunsky.

- Prunsky.

I don't know what that is.

What's in that?

(Spitting)

- Whoa whoa whoa.

No brunskies here, buddy.

- Thank you.

- Hi, I'm not interrupting something, am I?

- No no no no, no.

Come on in.

You guys remember Reseda Camarillo?

- [Reseda] Good to see you guys again.

- How you doing? - Hi, hi baby.

- Good to see you.

Good to see you. - Hi.

I just wanted you to know

that I made dinner reservations

at Aggo's at eight o'clock.

- Okay.

- Is that good for you?

Do you think you'll be done by eight o'clock?

Will he be done at eight o'clock?

- Listen.

We had some budget cuts, okay?

And we have to eliminate some parts in the movie.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I'm really, really sorry.

- What does that mean?

- We had to cut your part out of the movie, okay?

- My part out of the movie? - Yes, yes.

I am so sorry.

I am, it's out of my control.

- But I, I slept with you.

- And I appreciate that, I really do.

I mean, what am I supposed to say?

Thank you.

- I broke up with my boyfriend!

- So get back together with him.

I mean, it's not that complicated, really.

It's not too late.

- I never sleep with anybody on the first date,

and I think I'm in love with you.

(Phone beeping)

- Hold on for a second, I gotta take this.

- Oh god! (Weeping)

- Hello?

Hello? (Door slams)

- You owe me.

- Oh my god.

(Ominous music)

- Hi, I'm Nikita.

I'm here for the auditions.

- They're over.

- Do you play the guitar?

(Strumming guitar)

(Lightly singing)

- Yeah, yeah I do.

- Oh wow.

Oh my god, there's something about a man

that can play an instrument

that just makes me hot.

- Listen...

Let me walk you to your car for a second.

I have an idea.

- Oh... but what about the audition?

- I... even though we're in callbacks,

I'll read you, okay?

- In the car?

- No no no no, a little later.

And maybe something can happen between us.

We just, you know, we can't do it here.

Do you know what I mean?

- Okay, okay yeah, definitely.

- Alright?

Audition time, you ready?

- Oh no no no no, not that easy.

You need to play a song for me on your guitar,

and then I'll audition.

- For you, I'll do anything for you, baby.

Anything, okay? (Strumming guitar)

♪ Na na na, na na, na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na, na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na na ♪

(Strumming guitar)

(Laughing and clapping)

- Oh my god!

Oh my god, I almost climaxed.

- That was good, right?

- Yes, it was!

Have you ever had an orgasm

while playing the guitar?

- Well, you know, there's this sort of

euphoria that comes over you when you play, you know.

- No, no, I mean an actual like, orgasm.

- No.

- Well let's take care of that, papi.

- You're a great girl, you know that?

- Okay.

Wakka wakka.

(Strumming guitar) (Slurping)

- Listen, I can't.

- [Nikita] No play, play! - I can't do it.

- [Nikita] Keep playing, it's beautiful.

- Listen, I...

I can't do it.

- [Nikita] Play it bitch.

(Strumming guitar)

- Listen... [Nikita] Play that

fucking guitar. - I can't spill my brain up.

I can't...

(Strumming guitar)

- [Nikita] You can cum in my hair.

- We found what we're looking for,

and you, you, and you got the part.

- Oh my god! - What? Shut up!

- Oh my god, congratulations!

- Oh my god, wait, I didn't even read!

- Oh my god. - Congratulations.

- New cast for perfect for me. - Oh my god.

- Oh my gosh, that was so easy.

- Got champagne.

Congratulations, guys.

It's gonna be fun. - Oh great.

So when do we get a script?

- Richie.

- The script is at the printers.

- Yeah, the printers, exactly.

- Cool.

- Okay.

- So what is it about?

- It's about women.

- Yeah, women. - Like, men?

- No, no men.

- I don't do girl on girl.

- Oh I do.

- Whoa! (Bottle pops)

(Laughing)

- So when do we start shooting?

- [Richie] Soon.

Yes, it's right around the corner.

- We're shooting around the corner?

- The studio, in Hollywood.

We're gonna... The big one, where everyone shoots.

- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

I wish that there were more producers like you guys,

'cause you rock.

(Speaking in foreign language)

- Copy down every line

of the English subtitles,

and that's our script.

- That's a lot of work, man.

- So we'll make Glen do it.

It's so obscure, no one's gonna know

where we got it from.

- I'm proud of you.

Took a while, but you are finally here.

Good work.

- Alright.

You want a pad and a pen? (Shushing)

(Gentle music)

- I am Leland briskon.

Don't judge me by this ridiculous badge.

It was taken off a dead tour guide some time ago.

Now pay attention to what I'm about to tell you.

First of all, hang very close together.

You're not to annoy the stars at any time.

Action.

Did any of you remember the film,

probably many of you too young, gauging of that,

"sunset boulevard."

I tell you, I was a director.

Well, not a full director.

I was an ad.

I was damn good.

I helped too many affairs.

Anyway, don't use your cameras.

Movie stars, if they appeared to be odd to you,

to be a little bit different,

a little off bubbles, we say,

don't bother them.

They're here for a reason, to shoot.

Sometimes each other, as well, I don't know.

Yes, what is it?

- How do you make a film?

- How do you make a film?

(Slurping)

Now stop it.

By the way, I'm not supposed to take tips,

but I want something.

(Suspenseful music)

Gosh, the lighting is just perfect, you see.

Just overhead, look up, my dear.

Don't do everything you're told.

(Laughing)

(Lively music)

Stop for a moment.

The art here was used in the fall of the Roman empire,

and they brought it back from Rome,

and it was shot also in Spain.

They left this exact place for all those,

shit, I can't remember all the actors,

but isn't it marvelous, you see?

And they've of course painted over it.

Robin hood was shot.

I don't know if you remember Errol Flynn.

Fantastic actor.

And of course, Lillian Dehaven, basil rathbone.

It was all shot inside.

- Oh.

Oh it's them.

Hi.

Yeah, we're out front.

Okay, okay, bye. - What are you doing

here on the phone?

- Oh I'm sorry, sorry.

- How rude. It's the second time I've caught you.

First you have a watch,

and now you're talking on the phone.

- Sorry. - Do you have a cell phone?

- Yes I do, but it's in my pocket.

- I don't care to see it.

- Well, I wasn't going to show you.

- Yes, crazy one. - Can we use the bathroom?

- I'm a Christian scientist.

I don't have to go at all.

- Thank god, they just called.

They're gonna come and get us out front.

- What's going on?

- I don't know, they said our names weren't in the system.

- So embarrassing.

- Richie, Glen, come here. - [Tour guide] And right

after that, I used to make a lot

of money for the studio. - Come here.

Come on, let's go.

Act like you belong.

Just act like... I want to finish the tour.

- [Tour guide] That's where Lassie took a dump.

- Hey!

- Hey, how you doing?

- What's up, guys?

Yeah.

What are you... What are you talking about?

You've got to be kidding me!

You tell him he's an asshole.

And you tell him I said that to his face, alright?

I am so sorry.

It's been a crazy day.

- Yeah, lots of big Hollywood meetings in there.

- Wow.

We were hoping you guys could like, show us around,

and maybe show us your office.

- Oh yeah, listen, you're gonna see

plenty of the studio.

I mean, when you're shooting. - Right.

- In fact, you're probably gonna get sick of it

'cause you're gonna be living here so much.

But we actually have to go, you girls.

Because we're running late to another meeting.

So, I'm really sorry.

- Oh.

- What the devil is going on?

I'm talking to you over there!

How dare you go off limits!

You listen to me! - I think that old guy is...

Calling you guys. - I begged you, begged you,

and all the rest... just ignore him.

He's crazy, he's crazy.

Yeah, excuse me for a second. - No, he's not talking to-

- to stay here.

Not to go wander out into the streets.

Do you understand that?

- You are delusional!

- That's a big word for a little chap.

- You are not working on this picture, okay?

I gave you a chance. - I told you

never to break away.

What the devil is your name?

- Sherman oaks!

Just like the name

in my parking spot. - I won't have it!

I won't have it!

Oh god. - Is there a problem?

- Yes, there's a problem.

This young chap, Sherman oaks.

Isn't that something, boys?

- Listen, this guy, he stole the lighting grid

on my last picture,

and we fired him. - I want this man arrested.

- And apparently, he's unwilling to accept it, okay?

And he's making terrorist threats to my crew,

and more importantly, to my family!

- I love that scene.

God, you were good for the first time.

- [Sherman] See what I'm saying?

He's delusional! - Excellent.

This man's out of his mind.

Get your hands off me.

- I'm not gonna stand for this stuff!

- Sorry sir, we'll take it from here.

- What do you mean take it from here?

- Come on, Leland. - Just a moment.

Wait a minute, I know what you're saying.

We're doing a prison picture, aren't we?

- Hey, I've never seen you like this,

and it is sexy.

- You think you guys are okay?

- Yeah, everything's fine.

It's a tough business, but you know,

you gotta love it.

♪ I'm a fool for love ♪ (Upbeat music)

- Cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

(Glasses clink)

♪ I'm a fool for love ♪

- One more.

- Me too.

Look, he's still working on it.

- Yeah, it's a little strong. - I'll show you how to drink.

Ready, watch this.

(Upbeat dance music)

Where are we doing?

(Upbeat dance music)

Okay, I gotta go.

I can't.

- What are you working on right now?

- His movie, perfect for me.

- Perfect for me.

- Yeah, it's an independent.

- I'm the lead. - Yeah they all are.

You're the lead?

That's just beautiful.

- Well, one of the leads.

- Naturally.

- This is dedicated to Laurel canyon.

I have a growing obsession with you.

Oops, I have a growing obsession inside me.

I want to be with you.

(Jazzy music)

It's like an involuntary muscle,

flexed, engorged with its load.

It's got to explode!

Dreams are forever in this game that we play.

I can't give you up, you won't go away.

Is it fate?

It is I, Glen.

- I think it's a good time to get out of here.

- The door, the door.

What's behind the door?

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door!

Another door.

When a love burns this bright,

they call it starlight.

I have a growing obsession inside me.

(Clapping)

(Wooing)

- This is a little uncomfortable.

We should applaud here.

- Yeah, fuck that.

I'm out of here. (Clapping)

- Obsessive compulsive has such

a negative connotation to it.

When really, we're the ones who are willing

to show what human behavior is really like.

You know, all the ones that hide their idiosyncratic

eccentricities, those are the ones to be afraid of.

'Cause they're walking time bombs.

- You liked it?

- I didn't like it.

I didn't hate it.

I see your insanity.

And I love it.

Brunsky?

(Spitting)

- It was the words that you spoke.

It was a very memorable moment.

- Thank you Richie, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You know, when I was 12,

I was in love with a girl my age.

I was awkward then.

That so, I couldn't speak to her at all.

So I got myself some chloroform,

a blanket and some tape.

- Glen... please don't tell me any more.

Could be incriminating.

- Yes.

Well that looks like Mr. Teats.

- It is Mr. Teats.

And Marina!

Excuse me. (Door slamming)

Sir, excuse me.

Sir, sir, hello, hello.

There's a woman in the car.

You can't tow the car. - I don't speak English!

What happened?

I don't speak English.

- Mama, come!

Come teats, come here.

Come here to me, you come.

(Knocking on door)

- [Richie] Fresh handkerchief.

- Thank you.

- [Richie] You're welcome.

- It's okay, you can come in.

- Alright.

- Ah hello.

(Laughing)

Can you put that away?

- [Richie] Why?

- 'Cause I said I wanted to act,

not end up on the Internet.

- [Richie] What, this is part of the movie.

- Your personal movie, maybe. - Alright, alright alright.

You could just drink it straight out of the bottle.

That's fine. - Sick.

Okay, don't watch me when I spit, you promise?

- Okay.

- I'm serious, I'm very... alright.

I won't watch you when you spit.

You rinse, and then...

(Spitting)

That's really gross.

- I know!

I told you not to watch me.

- That's nice.

You know, you're welcome to use my bed.

I mean, I won't be in it, of course.

I could sleep on the sofa.

- I should get dressed.

Do you want to help me?

Just hold this... - Oh, hold it, okay.

- Okay, hold on.

Bottoms are on.

Are you peeking?

- [Richie] Me? - Yeah.

You feel pretty steady there?

- Oh yeah.

- Alright.

You can drop it now.

- Okay on three, one, two.

(Laughing) (Gentle music)

- So.

What?

- Well here we are.

- Yeah.

- In my bathroom.

- Richie, if you're gonna kiss me,

you should just kiss me. - Okay.

(Romantic music)

- Okay.

- Right.

Then that happened.

So I'm gonna... I'm gonna go sleep in my bed.

And you can... - Yeah.

- You're gonna go in your car.

- Get into my element.

(Laughing)

- Okay... goodnight. - Alright.

Thanks for the shower. - Thank you, yes.

- Bye. (Door shuts)

Oh my god.

- But she's in her car in my driveway, sleeping.

I'm gonna tell her the truth, man.

- Yes.

- What if I hurt her, you know?

I don't want to... I mean, if I tell her the truth,

then she might freak out the other girls,

and I don't want to ruin what's going on for you guys.

- Oh my god.

Yes.

Yeah, you like that?

Take it in, do you like it? (Strumming guitar)

(Moaning)

- Just something I gotta tell you.

The casting agency, it's more like a,

like a dating service thing.

No...

(Knocking on window)

Good morning.

- Lenny.

Lenny... Richie.

Richie's the producer of the film I'm working on.

- Oh right, yeah, hi.

I'm her boyfriend.

Oh so, this is what a producer does.

♪ I'm wasting my time ♪ (Rock music)

♪ You've made up your mind ♪

♪ you're impossible to please ♪

- What are you doing?

- That's it, I'm out.

- What do you mean you're out? Hey, come on.

We're having a little bit too much fun here, Richie.

Listen, listen, listen.

This is making a big difference in my life, Richie, okay?

Stop, listen.

I already have a second film lined up after this.

Stopping this would be insane!

What are you doing? - No.

The insane thing is that you're just in it

to get your jollies off.

You realize that you are always

thinking about your penis.

It's all about the penis for you, isn't it?

You know, there's a name for that disease.

It's called castration anxiety.

- [Glen] Oh gosh, Sherman.

I had no idea.

- Listen, you just...

You're just fired up by that guy Lenny.

- Lenny is not the issue.

Lenny is a reminder that these girls

are only hanging out with us

because they think we're making a movie.

- We are making a movie.

- We're not making a movie!

Can you hear yourself?

Come on, don't you remember we started this

so we could find girls who were meaningful?

- Oh, meaningful, come on.

- You know what?

Your sex fest is over, jackass!

How are we gonna get out of this mess, huh?

Sherman oaks.

God is gonna punish us for the things that we've done.

- Oh god. - When we least expect it.

- God.

- You know, I'm gonna tell Marina the truth.

That's my choice.

And I suggest that you guys do the same for your girls.

- I like Laurel.

I don't want to tell her the truth.

- Glen. (Gentle music)

It's time to grow up, man.

What am I talking about?

It's time for both of us to grow up.

- That's a good script, Richie.

- Okay, and take the rest of the money,

and dump it in the EK.

I feel insurance coming.

No no no no. - All set, chief.

- Okay, thank you.

Nasdaq's dead.

Are you sure about this acting thing?

- Are you still on the phone?

- I am, I'm off, but he's on hold, I'm on hold, you are.

- Just take it out of your ear, okay?

Take it out.

You're never listening to me.

- California is the granola state, you know that?

Fruits, nuts, and flakes.

You got to be careful out here.

Here's where I'm staying.

You can have turned down sheets and nice pillows,

or you can sleep in the truck

and hand out your headshot on Hollywood boulevard.

I want you to think about that.

- Teats?

Hey Zo.

What, are you claiming the bed already?

He's a cool guy, but let's get to know him

a little bit better before we start moving in, okay?

Come on.

Come here.

(Gasping)

- Oh, sorry.

- Oh god.

You came from nowhere.

What is this?

- It's a Internet dating service.

It's perfectforme dot com.

- Is... is this part of the audition process?

Am I being filmed right now?

Is this a joke?

- Okay...

Look, the casting agency

was created in the hopes

that we would find our soul mates.

- What?

- The casting agency

was created in the hopes

that we would find our soul mates.

- So, what you're saying is...

- That the casting agency was created

in the hopes that we would find our soul mates.

- Oh god.

What about the movie?

- What movie? (Laughing)

(Growling)

- Oh I can't believe that I let myself like you!

I mean, all this time,

everything you said to me,

I trusted you!

And everything... Ugh!

I don't even know what to say.

I'm just so shocked by this whole situation.

Don't talk! - I didn't think-

- just don't talk.

I'm...

I don't know!

- Can I talk now?

(Door slams)

- Thank you.

- Look, Marina.

It's a mating call.

I mean, that's what it is.

It's a mating call.

- What?

What are you talking about?

- The casting call.

It was my mating call, you know.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

- Okay, you're crazy.

- Yeah... no, I'm not crazy. - I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Okay? Bye!

- Bye.

- Me as an artist.

Hold on, okay wait wait. - I respect you.

(Ominous music) (Keys ticking)

- Marina, it's Nikita.

Okay girls, I'm just gonna give it to you straight, okay?

I'm not an actress.

I was assigned to investigate this case

because we got complaints from some of the girls

that came in and auditioned for the guys.

Complaints were filed against the producers

of the film perfect for me.

Richie Rey, Sherman oaks, and Glen Dale.

- What?

- Actress came in, auditioned,

was invited to lunch, was promised a part,

got personally and intimately involved

with one of the guys.

Then she was told that because

some financing fell through,

she was no longer in the film.

- And you're positive.

I mean, you're positive that these are our guys.

From our movie.

- Well, if you look here,

the only perfect for me that exists

is a perfectforme. Com Internet dating service.

Which I found on dogpile dot com.

I don't normally use the Internet to date,

'cause I don't need to.

- I can't believe these guys!

- And you'd be surprised.

This isn't the only time things like this happen.

They happen all over the place,

all over the country.

- Okay, so what do we do?

I mean, how do we get them back?

- If you girls want in on this,

and you want to help me with that, that's fine.

But I'm gonna bring these guys down.

- No, you guys, I don't know.

- I know a guy that breaks legs for cheap.

- Well good, we may need to hire him.

- No... - Marina, yes.

You need to take care of yourself, okay?

You're straight off the bus.

You don't know anything about this business.

It's dirty and it's ugly.

- And I do.

I can't even believe I was fooled by these guys.

- Well I can believe you were fooled by it. Are you in?

- I mean...

Yeah, yeah. - [Nikita] Marina.

Are you in?

- I guess I am, yeah.

- You guess you're in?

I'm in.

- I mean, I'll do what you need me to do.

- Power out.

- Fuck those guys.

- Listen, Richie, the girls just called, right?

They want to rehearse.

I say we do it, man.

- Oh, that's a fantastic idea, Sherman.

In fact, why do we need to rehearse?

Why don't we just shoot the movie?

(Phone beeping)

You know what, hold on.

I'm getting a beep, okay.

I'll be... Hold on.

Hello?

- Hi, it's Marina.

(Lively music)

- Marina.

- Richie, look.

I get what you were saying.

I understand the whole mating call thing.

I mean, it's a little crazy, but I get it.

And... I'm not gonna tell anybody about this.

I think we should just keep it between us.

But, seriously...

I think you should make this movie, Richie.

I really think that you have a great script,

you have a great cast.

We're dedicated, and you have the money, so...

- It's a good script.

- I really think you should consider it.

But, you know, as far as we go,

there's no hard feelings.

I'm not mad.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Can you hold on?

Sherman.

Hey, how does tomorrow sound?

- Well, did he fall for it? (Laughing)

- I think so.

- That wasn't half bad, that acting job.

- Tiziana, I love the lettuce on your lips.

- Don't try to confuse me.

Marcello is mine.

- Script is awesome.

What we really feel like it needs

is just some more steamy kind of sexual stuff.

- Yeah, I mean, it'll really help sell the film, guys.

I mean, especially in the foreign market.

- And I'm totally open to nudity.

- Yeah, we want to do some hardcore stuff.

- When do we start shooting?

- Well I guess what we're trying to say

is that you know, we understand that

there aren't really men in the film.

What would be great is if we could

maybe use you guys to practice the sex on.

- We want to have sex with you guys.

And videotape it.

- I...

Okay, wait wait.

Why do you want to do that?

- Richie, Richie.

The girls have a great idea here.

I mean... - Well.

We just, you know, want to watch it back

and make sure that it's good.

- And then have more sex.

Right, and watch it,

and practice harder, and harder,

and again, and again.

- With us.

- [Nikita] Oh yeah, over and over.

Like in and out, you know.

Whatever you guys are into.

I'm open to lots of things.

I've had sex with a midget, so I'm game.

- That's fantastic.

- It's really common movies.

A lot of times they have sex counselors,

and you guys would be like,

kind of like our sex counselors.

- Mentors. - Yeah.

So then when we shoot the film,

it will be like, amazing sex.

- Some of the juiciest movies

had really memorable sex scenes.

I don't know if you guys saw fatal attraction?

- Like water for chocolate. - That's a good one.

- End of the affair. - Good one, good one.

- Last tango in Paris. - Deep throat.

- Platoon.

Agony and the ecstasy.

(Lively music)

- Can't wait. - Okay boys.

This is your room and your key.

And this is our room.

And you're not allowed to come out of your room

until we come and get you, okay?

We're just gonna go in and wash up.

- Alright.

- I take it we should wash our genitals as well.

- Oh god. - Do that.

- Okay, let's go.

- Marina.

Is this what you really want?

- What are you talking about?

- [Nikita] Marina, come on.

(Doors slam)

- What do you think is really going on here?

- Richie, sometimes you just gotta learn to follow, man.

Women, they like that.

Makes them feel like they're in control.

- Sherman, they are in control.

- Think there are no towels in here.

(Suspenseful music)

(Phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Are you boys ready for us

to come over and rock your worlds?

- Alright.

Listen, how are we doing this?

Are you girls coming in one at a time, or what?

- Oh, no no no no no.

We're gonna all come in at the same time.

It's gonna be like a train.

- I got ya.

We're on.

Take off your clothes. (Suspenseful music)

- They must never get laid, right?

Look at them.

Never, because this is pathetic.

This is so bad. - Are you taping this?

I want a copy of this. - Oh my god.

- Sherman.

You can just take all three girls.

I can't do this.

- I'll be thinking about you, Richie.

- So which one was it?

- Which one was what?

- Which one of the guys was the one

that slept with that girl?

- Why?

- I don't know, I just...

Curious, I guess.

- It was Sherman.

It was Sherman, the little fucking cock sucker, okay?

- How do I look?

- Sherman, you should know,

nothing's gonna happen between us.

- I know, relax, man.

- Go go go go go!

(Knocking on door)

- Come on in, it's open!

- This where they're making a movie?

(Suspenseful music)

- Yeah, we're making it with girls, though.

- We are girls!

- Wrong room.

Wrong room.

- Oh no, this looks like the right room to me,

but hey, I thought there was gonna be three of 'em.

- Two will do. - Oh yeah.

- Action! (Laughing)

- What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa! - Let's go!

- Party baby! - No, get off me!

- Get him, yeah! - No, no! No, no!

No! (Screaming)

No!

- Cue the cops!

♪ Die ♪ (Rock music)

♪ You motherfuckers die young ♪ (Knocking on door)

- Police!

(Smacking) (Wailing)

- Get him, get him!

- Freeze!

Put the whip down and step away from his ass!

- I didn't do anything.

- Jackpot.

- Come on.

- I didn't do anything. - Let's go, buddy.

- What are you doing?

- Right out the door.

- I'm innocent! - Yeah, right.

(Ominous music) (Tapping bars)

- We'll never survive in here, man.

You've gotta protect me.

- You're gonna love it here.

- What are you talking about?

I'm in jail.

You're a big man, I'm a fragile man.

I'm gonna get eaten up here.

I'm gonna get eaten up alive in this place.

- Hey, you like baseball?

- What?

- Baseball, you like baseball?

- Yeah, I like baseball.

- Then you're gonna love Mondays.

We play baseball all day long on Mondays.

- [Sherman] That's cool.

- You like bowling?

- What?

Yeah, yeah, I love bowling.

- Well you're gonna love Tuesdays.

We bowl all day long on Tuesdays,

with the female inmates, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's cool, that's good.

- Tell me something. - What?

- You like sucking dick?

- What? No!

- You like getting rammed up the butt?

- No, of course not, god!

- You're gonna hate Wednesdays.

(Gentle music)

(Tapping gavel)

- Let's have a little quiet.

I have reviewed the testimony at hand.

I must inform you all

that under California law

the maximum penalty for this crime of fraud

is 10 to 15 years imprisonment.

And a fine of up to $250,000.

With no possibility for parole.

- You need to buy us some time.

- [Lawyer] You better come up with something.

(Indistinct chatter)

Your honor, may I... - Yes you may.

- I'd like to request a 24 hour stay

so that my clients may prevent evidence that-

- present or prevent?

- I'm sorry, forgive me.

Let me correct myself.

So my clients may present evidence

to support the fact

that they indeed had every intention

of making a movie.

- Objection, your honor.

The defendants have demonstrated malice

and fraudulent intent with cause,

and I move to impose a summary sentence immediately.

- Your honor, summary sentence.

Are we in some foreign

country here, your honor? - [Judge] Gentlemen.

Gentlemen! (Tapping gavel)

- First of all I had to wait an hour and a half

for you to spit out what you just said.

- Quiet in Mendel’s court!

- I'm quiet.

- Solomon Mendel does not stand

for this kind of noise.

- Don't interrupt the judge!

I apologize for, I apologize-

- are you a wise guy?

- Me? - Yeah you.

- No.

- You seem to be a wise guy, Mr. Da. Don't be wise with me.

- Thank you, your honor.

- You're very welcome.

Bail will be set at $10,000 each.

It's not negotiable.

So don't ask me if I want to be in your movie.

Defendants will have 24 hours

in which to present evidence to this court

til we reconvene here tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.

And I mean sharp.

I don't want five after 9:00,

I don't want 10 after 9:00.

If you're gonna have your oatmeal,

have it at eight o'clock in the morning.

Get here before 9:00.

You understand that?

- 9:00 A.M. it is, your honor.

- Five to 9:00 is even better.

- Your honor, I can explain tomorrow, believe me.

It'll all be clear tomorrow, your honor.

- You don't have to apologize.

Just lose a couple of pounds.

- Thank you, your honor.

Thank you. - Let's go, ladies.

Back to the day spa. - Alright fellas.

- Sorry, this is all my fault, guys.

I came clean with Marina. - Let's go.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! (Melancholy music)

- You better come up with something by tomorrow Mr. Rey,

or we are gonna go down.

Not me, you, you guys.

You're gonna go down big time.

♪ Everybody's lonely ♪

♪ but not me ♪

♪ I found ♪

♪ the one I need ♪

♪ when I thought I did not need ♪

♪ anyone but me ♪

♪ I fell down deep ♪

♪ I fell into ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

(Yelling indistinctly)

- I'm the pioneer to your vision.

I have flat screens!

♪ Trying to be good ♪

- Police! (Wailing)

♪ Trying to be good ♪

- Perfect. My life is a reality show. ♪ Look at me mama ♪

♪ I'm so bad ♪

- All rise for the honorable judge Solomon Mendel.

- Good morning, morning.

Sorry I'm late.

My hybrid wouldn't start.

It's a pain in the neck.

It's a good car, I'm getting good mileage.

It's my wife's car, and I've had some problems with it.

It usually goes like that. (Snaps)

I'm getting 40 miles to the gallon.

It's a great car, great car.

If they'll ever end this Iraqi thing,

maybe I'll get something other than this car.

But I still like the car.

Anyway, mister public defender,

are your clients ready to present their evidence?

- Yes. (Mumbling)

- Yes, your honor, at this time,

I would like to... I would like to request

a 15 minute recess.

- 15 minute, we just got here.

Objection, your honor.

He's starting this all over. - [Judge] Sustained!

- Your case is that you have no case!

- Sustained.

Do you hear? Are you deaf?

- Sorry, your honor. - Alright.

I see no other way to go here

but to proceed forthwith with a verdict.

In the case of California versus the producers

of perfect for me, (Suspenseful music)

I find the defendants guilty as charged.

- Wait wait wait a second!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, sorry. (Banging)

- [Judge] What is this?

- What's going on, what's this?

- I hope this outburst has something to do

with your defense.

- Yes it does, your honor.

Yes it does.

At this point, I would like

to submit to the court exhibit a.

- Wait wait wait wait wait.

Is that a flat screen?

- Yeah, this is a flat screen JVC 1500 pixel 32 inch

with high definitely upgradeable.

- I was thinking of getting one.

Go ahead, proceed. - Good, your honor.

- It's a fantastic set. - Your honor,

we'd like to show a tape. - This is highly

irregular, your honor. - Which I think-

- [judge] I know it's irregular, but let's get to it.

- Your honor, we'd like to show a tape which will,

I believe, exonerate my defendants.

I believe it will, your honor.

Go Mr. Rey, please show the tape.

(Upbeat music)

- The final cast was selected

based upon their overall qualities

that set them apart from everyone else

that we auditioned.

- I do remember my first audition,

and I was, I think I was five,

and it was for coppertone sun tan oil.

- Well I just went to Manhattan,

'cause I lived in Jersey,

and I got a job on a cruise ship

for six months in the Caribbean.

- He said get down in your bathing suits,

and I was like, oh my god,

I don't have a bathing suit on.

And I was like, and I'm perfect for this, you know.

'Cause I was tan, always at the beach.

And yeah, I just stripped down

and got down in my undies.

- Every day is an audition for me, so...

- As for stripping, well I started very early.

- So I danced on a cruise ship,

and I got so fat because I only danced

two days a week, on Tuesday and Friday.

Rolls hanging out.

And then after like five months,

they fired me 'cause I got too fat.

- I did Tony and Tina's wedding off-Broadway.

(Speaking in foreign language)

It was very cool.

That was my first official show.

- And I decided to go in roller skates

because I wanted to go very different.

- I was so excited.

I was like, this is it, this is it!

And I went, this is it?

- It's like (wailing)

And I just was like this big fat porky dancer.

And this beautiful blonde came on the ship,

and they literally threw me off.

- I promise I won't bite you.

I'm just gonna grab you like this,

so we're gonna go for a little bit of a roll.

- I want a man who I can treat

like the king that he is.

- Oh!

Give it to me!

Give it to me, baby!

- I got like a revelation from god

when I was a little girl,

and it said you are meant to be a star.

- [Richie] They were funny, they were beautiful,

talented and smart and soulful.

They were perfect.

It was just like the ad says.

♪ You're beautiful now ♪

♪ baby you look so good, it's hard to see ♪

♪ everything that you can be ♪

♪ it's all baby what you want ♪

♪ it's all of what you got ♪

(People chattering)

- [Richie] On behalf of the boys and I

would like to apologize to Marina and Laurel and Nikita.

For not being able to let you in

on the secret that we were shooting a reality show,

and that the casting agency was not real.

- What is this, the English patient?

- With this new evidence,

I move that we find my defendants

not guilty, your honor.

- This is ridiculous, your honor.

- It's possible, I'm pondering this.

In light of the new evidence,

I find the defendants not guilty as charged.

(People clapping)

(Tapping gavel) (Clapping)

(Hissing)

- Curiosity, rubberneck,

freak show thing I'm experimenting with here.

- Well hello there.

I'm Melanie.

And I'm from Texas.

- I have a beautiful sister,

and we can all three go out.

- Wow, I gotta tell you,

I am like so happy that you finally emailed me.

I totally had a feeling today

that you were gonna definitely email me.

Sometimes, I'm psychic.

I mean, it's scary.

So I got your picture.

You are totally hot.

- What are you doing here, Richie?

- Hey, Mr. Teats.

I screwed up big time.

You forgive me though, don't you?

Yeah.

Your mommy got her revenge.

But you tell your mommy that I'm sorry

and that I miss her.

- How could you do that?

- I was just talking to Mr. Teats.

- No I'm not talking about that.

I'm not talking about all of the reality show bullshit.

- Marina, don't you understand?

You're the one that I've been looking for.

Someone like you.

Not someone like you, you.

What do I have to do, produce another movie?

- Hey, look who's here, Cecil B. Demille.

Where's the food plate?

And by the way, when's that movie coming out?

Three to five?

That's what I thought.

Good boy, Mr. Teats, good boy.

Give me a kiss.

- Alright time to break him free.

(Engine revving)

- Your bags.

- Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

I don't need a man in my life

just to follow my dreams, Richie.

- Okay. (Melancholy music)

- Richie.

You give up so easily.

You're not even gonna like, try to fight for me?

Convince me.

Maybe flowers would be nice.

Unless chivalry is completely dead to you,

and you just don't believe in that type of thing.

It's fine.

I mean, clearly I'm not the girl of your dreams.

Clearly, you want to keep looking, I guess.

- You're right, I do want to keep looking.

- I guess there are other people out there

that might be perfect for you. (Romantic music)

I'll take that as a no.

(Lively music)

♪ 'Cause I know the game ♪

♪ you love to play with my heart ♪

- Hello?

Next.

No thank you. (Clearing throat)

Next.

Next.

Hello.

I'm Nikita, I'm the producer.

- Nice to meet you.

- How old are you? - 25.

- Perfect.

Would you mind just spinning around for me?

The project's called fresh meat.

♪ What the fuck is a matter calling you ♪

(Speaking in foreign language) (Dramatic music)

- Stop.

(Speaking in foreign language)

Okay, I think that we're gonna use that take.

That was really, that was the one.

(Speaking in foreign language)

- He didn't like it?

- No no no no, it was perfect.

Don't worry about it, it was perfect.

Perfect for me. - Are you sure?

I can do it again.

- I've been diagnosed.

I'm a sex addict.

I mean, don't tell anybody about it, please.

Just 'cause I'm really shy about that, actually.

- [Richie] A sex addict. - Yeah.

- [Richie] That's funny.

The next thing you're gonna tell me

that you're starting a therapy group

so you can meet girls who are also sex addicts.

- That's a great idea.

♪ Under the covers fogging up the sheets ♪

♪ under the covers found something good to eat ♪

(Upbeat rock music)

♪ In the morning, she is so fine ♪

♪ she gonna blow my mind ♪

♪ when she sings my song ♪

♪ I seen her moves that make me weak in the knees ♪

♪ I beg her please ♪

♪ it's getting hot now ♪

♪ it's getting hot down there ♪

♪ under the covers, fogging up the sheets ♪

♪ under the covers, found something good to eat ♪

♪ na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Under the covers, fogging up the sheets ♪

♪ under the covers, found something good to eat ♪

♪ under the covers, fogging up the sheets ♪

♪ na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ the girls all lined up around the block ♪

♪ having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ I said the fun here just never stops ♪

♪ having a ball ♪

♪ oh we're having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ we see your name up in bright lights ♪

♪ we see you going very far ♪

♪ like a rocket all through the night ♪

♪ you're gonna be a shining star ♪

♪ star ♪

♪ having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ ladies just show us what you can do ♪

♪ having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ I said honey don't call us, we'll call you ♪

♪ having a ball ♪

♪ oh we're having a ball at the cattle call ♪

♪ yeah ♪