All language subtitles for The.Roast.of.Kevin.Hart.2026.1080p.WEBRip.x265.HEVC.SUBTEKS.ME.en

Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival,
welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

It's The Roast of Kevin Hart.

And Philly is definitely in the house.

Please welcome the roundest thing
on tires, Shane Gillis.

Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart,
live in Los Angeles,

where we're… Yeah.

Where we're here
to celebrate a guy we used to like

in a city that was once important.

Kevin will be out in a minute.

I'm sure he's
backstage fucking shadowboxing,

or doing a group prayer
or whatever the fuck he does.

I'm your extremely
white host, Shane Gillis.

Yeah.

White hosts, yeah.
Big applause, all right.

I'd, uh… I'd just like
to thank Netflix for choosing me

to host this celebration
of Black excellence.

Look, I'm not saying there's
a lot of Black people here tonight,

but backstage
a production assistant asked me

what color drank I want
in my dressing room.

Chose purple.

I'm gonna be setting the tone,
but to help us with the rhythm,

please welcome Philadelphia's own,
the legendary,

Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

Welcome, everyone,
to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

Yeah

Yeah

Kev, we about to roast your ass.

Yeah, yeah, L.A.

The world

I'm the kind of brother

Who can do it in my way

Getting my bread for years
In my career

And every lover, y'all

In and out my life, I've hit, love
And left in tears without a care

-Until I met this girl…
-Met this girl…

How you doing?

-Who turned the tables around
-Tables around

She caught me by surprise and I

Never thought
I'd be the one breaking down

What up, baby?

Yeah, yeah

-I can't figure it out, I'm so
-Caught up

-Got me feelin' it
-Caught up

I don't know what it is
But it seems she's got me twisted

-I'm so
-Caught up

-Got me feelin' it
-Caught up

I'm losing control, this girl's gotta…

Yeah

Oh

Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart.

Yeah! What I'd tell you?

Yeah!

Yes!

-Yeah! Yeah!
-I don't understand.

Why?

See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

I know this is somethin' I gotta do,

but I don't know
why you chose to do this.

What you about to do?

You see, your friends stand
with you at your best.

-What?
-But tonight,

I'm gonna need you to have a seat,
'cause we gonna talk about your worst.

-You gonna go with that? Okay.
-That's right, Kevin.

-It's time to let it burn.
-Go ahead, go ahead.

It's gon' burn for me to say this
But it's comin' from my heart

Said I watched your last stand up
And not a single funny part

I really hoped you'd work it out
But the soul had left the plane

No matter the script
Every role you take, it feels the same

-What the fuck are you doing?
-Tell me why

I should stay in this great friendship?
'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin

It keeps happenin', Kevin

Plus, Netflix ain't always
Gonna take that bail shit bullshit

I think that you should

Watchin' Kevin
Ain't the same for nobody

-What the fuck are you doing?
-When they go to commercial

Had to do a roast
'Cause them jokes ain't crackin'

Like they used to
Look at what money does to you

-Yeah!
-Let it burn, let it burn

Deep down you know you cooked
And we 'bout to roast you

Startin' with them baby slacks
And baby shoes

Yeah, you know that you blowing
When your movies do too

-Let it burn
-Let it burn

Brake it down

-You son of a bitch.
-Loser

Can you feel it burning

Okay. All right. Okay.

You got some fucking balls
on you, Usher.

Hey, this just the beginning, dawg.

-You got some fucking balls on you, man.
-Yeah.

I said, come out here
and set this shit off for me.

Let's have a good fucking time.

You come out here
and do a song I've never heard.

You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

Come on, man. That's it.

Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

What the fuck you going to do with those?

What the fuck you
about to do with those?

I mean, you know, it's…

Usher, if you don't get them cherries,
the fuck out my face.

Get them fucking cherries
out my goddamn face, man.

Get your ass off the stage, man.

-No, get off the fucking stage.
-Hey, hey, listen.

Congratulations. Good luck.
You gonna need it, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher?
Fuck you. How about that?

Fuck you, Usher.

You can take whatever friendship we had
and throw it in the trash.

Y'all make sure
y'all go see my guy on tour.

He's doing a stadium tour.
Go get your fucking tickets.

That's my brother.

What's going on, Los Angeles? Make
some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

Oh-ho.

I want to welcome y'all to the roast
of him, of that nigga, me.

That's right, Kevin Hart.

We are about to have
a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

And you know what I love to do?
I love to fucking set the tone.

I love to make sure that the people

inside the room are possessed
with the energy

that we need
so that we can have a good fucking time.

So I'm gonna ask you again,

are y'all ready to have
a good fucking time tonight?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna tell you right now,

this is gonna be way better
than the Tom Brady roast.

Way better.

Way better.

The reason why is
because I'm not a bitch.

Tom is a bitch.

Tom sat there the whole time
with the fucking white man face.

Went on radio stations after that.

"Why'd they say
that about me? I can't believe…"

Shut the fuck up, Tom!

He was a bitch.
Roots, was Tom a bitch?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, goddamn right he was.

He was a fucking bitch.

I ain't no bitch!
You bring whatever it is that you got,

I could give two fucks. You go
and say what you want to say. Say it.

I don't give a shit
at the end of the day.

I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart.

I'm the man up in this bitch.
Yeah! Yeah!

Y'all know what I'm talking about?

That's right, Los Angeles.

Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up?

Have you even left the forum?

Or have you just been here screaming
into that mic the last two years

waiting for Daddy to come home?

Well, unlike your real dad,
I actually showed up.

Oh, you son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch.

-And I brought you a jersey.
-Oh, you son-- Gimme--

-Give me that fucking jersey.
-That's newborn size.

-Yeah, fucking jersey.
-Does that fit you?

-Give me the fucking jersey.
-All right, sit down.

Fucking hobbit.

All right, this won't take long,
'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man.

But I do have a few words for you

before I return
to my affairs in Las Vegas.

Oh, wait.

I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas.
Was that off?

Not supposed to talk
about affairs in Vegas?

Think I broke another rule.

Fuck it, I talked about it.

So what was it
that you were screaming at my bros?

"Time to get comfortable
being uncomfortable."

You at that podium.

Those were your words, Kevin.

Who's squirming in
that little high chair now, bitch?

Put a pillow underneath,
it'd make you look taller.

And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done
to my roast?

Seriously, I played in the NFL
for 23 seasons,

but I've never seen
anyone drop the ball like this.

How did the GOAT roast go from me to you?

I won seven Super Bowls.

Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies.

I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

Kevin, you're the third
most famous person in Jumanji.

That was a good movie though.

And look at this pathetic dais.

I guess it wouldn't be
a Kevin Hart project

if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

You've got Sheryl Underwood.

Big Jay Oakerson.

Na'im Lynn.

Who the fuck are these people?

And how did they get here?
I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

That's good, that's good.

And what happened to Nikki Glaser?
She looks like shit.

Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah.

Draymond's here.

For now.

He'll probably get thrown out
in the next ten minutes.

You know we're not
roasting Steve Kerr, right?

And it looks like we actually have
some real Eagles fans here.

Yeah.

Not like Kevin, who only shows up

at the big games
when the Eagles are playing well.

You know, Kev, we actually have a name
for those people.

They're called Cowboys fans.

And when I run into Eagles fans,

they always wanna
bring up the Philly Special.

They love to talk
about the Philly Special.

Yeah, I don't.

And I tell them, "Hey, his name
is Shane Gillis, have some respect."

You're special.

Kevin, you took a lot of shots
at my family during my roast.

But I'm too classy
to go after your beautiful wife.

Or am I?

What's up, girl?

-Ooh.
-Watch your fucking step, Tom!

You better stop!
You'd better fucking cut it out.

I know in the past, people--
you've been accused of being homophobic,

and I really hope that's not true
because you're about

to get that teeny tiny little ass
of yours reamed tonight.

And I cannot wait to watch this.

Payback's a bitch
and so are you Kevin Hart.

Let's fucking go.

And the winner is… HOV, my man

-Speech!
-Welcome to the stage!

In this corner…

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart.

The Main Event.

Kevin Hart versus…

The Roc Boys in the building tonight

Oh, what a feeling, I'm feeling life

You don't even
Gotta bring your paper out

We the dope boys of the year
Drinks is on the house

We in the house, hou… hou…

-We in the house, hou… hou…
-Hey!

Sweet

Let that ride out!

Bring the horns back in, yeah

This is Black superhero music

Right here, baby

Ow!

Well, that was fucking annoying.

God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh…

Now, Kevin, if you're thinking
this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes

about you being short
and annoying, that's true.

We will be doing that.
But we're also gonna be talking about

how you're a shitty comedian,
a star fucker,

and an absentee father.

We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

And what a better way
to do that than to take a paycheck

while pretending to have fun.

You're a whore, Kevin.

Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea.

Yeah.

We have Chelsea Handler,
middle name Penis.

Penis Handler.

That's gonna catch on.
All right, fuck you guys.

That was my best one.

If you guys upgrade your account
from standard to premium,

Chelsea turns into a male comedian.

Oh, this is gonna be terrible.

If that was offensive, I'm fucked.
All right.

My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here.

Give it up for Jay.

Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files
for actual pizza.

I don't know if you can see it,
but he paints his fingernails,

which, you know,
that's kinda weird, huh?

He's like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

"You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah!"

Anyway, Big Jay gets
a new manicure every week

because apparently fat girl pussy juice
dissolves nail polish.

What do you mean, "Jesus?"
Oh, this is gonna go so bad.

This… I know what's gonna happen.
I know how bad this is.

All right, fuck it.
My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Give it up for Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe looks like
he burns things in his living room

and waits for the firefighters
to come rescue him.

When they asked Tony
if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart,

he got so excited,
he spit all the cum out of his mouth.

Hell yeah, Kev, thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy
that goes to Trump rallies

just so he can dance
to the village people.

Tony, uh, I've been
to Tony's apartment in Austin.

He has… He literally has thrones.

For real, he sits in…
Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

Austin is a 19-year-old twink
who lives across the street

and works out without a shirt on.

Sheryl Underwood is here.
Give it up for Sheryl.

Sheryl's, uh,
Sheryl's a lifelong Republican,

and, uh, she's actually thinking
about getting into politics.

She's running for a seat

in the Big Mama's House
of Representatives.

Sheryl's husband killed himself.

Apparently, Black does crack
if it's married to Sheryl

and jumps off a fucking roof.

I do it for the balcony,
I do it for the upper decks.

Fuck all these people down here.

Why would you put rich pussies down here?
Look at these animals up here, yeah.

Fucking right.

Regina Hall is here. I think her-- Yeah.

Wherever the fuck she is.
Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you?

Her husband's doing well,
so we're just gonna move on from that.

Na'im Lynn is here,
he's one of Kevin's best friends,

openers and writers, give it up for him.

Na'im's a really good writer,
him and Kevin worked together

on The Roast of Tom Brady,

where Na'im came up with such classics
like, "That Was crazy."

And, "Oh, hell no."

And everyone's favorite,
"Damn, she went there?"

Guy's a fucking genius.

Pete Davidson's here,
give it up for Pete.

Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula.

"I want to suck at comedy."

Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

Pete recently got all
of his tattoos removed,

so now you actually have to talk to him
to find out he's a complete fucking idiot.

That's all I got, dude.

Draymond Green is here,
give it up for Draymond.

Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo!

With a name like Draymond Green,
he only had a few options in life.

Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary,
or wealthy cartoon duck.

He plays…

He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

Golden State Warriors
sounds like a nickname

they had for people
who died of AIDS in the 1980s.

The Golden State Warriors logo
is a bridge.

Don't show that to Sheryl's husband.

Seriously, keep that bridge away
from Sheryl's husband.

I called her yesterday, shut up.

I was really… I felt terrible about that.
I had to call her. All right.

She was crazy about it.

She was like, "You gonna make fun
of my husband who fell off a bridge?"

I was like, "Yep."

And speaking of Black men who once made
an impact years ago, Kevin Hart.

Here's a fun fact about Kevin.
Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

And I know that because
he can kiss his wife on the lips.

Being 5'1 sucks,

but at least you can tell him
apart from all the other Blacks.

Yeah, they told me to be racist.

What am I gonna make fun of?

"Oh, you got a huge dick
and you're a billionaire?" Yeah.

When you see Kevin stand next
to all his normal sized Black friends,

he looks like the period
at the end of a sentence.

Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you.

-Yeah!
-This is where…

To really understand Kevin's origins,
you have to go back to the beginning.

Kevin's ancestors came to America
in a slave ship in a bottle.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

The bottle.

He grew up in Philadelphia,
where his mother worked

at the University of Pennsylvania,

and his father was one
of the California Raisins.

I'm just joking around.
He wasn't raising anybody.

Unfortunately, that's true.

Kevin's dad wasn't there for him
because he was addicted to cocaine,

which is a lot more respectable
than not being there for your kids

because you're filming fucking Jumanji 3.

That's pathetic.

A lot…

A lot of people
say Kevin's movies are formulaic.

Yeah, baby formula.

That was the best one.

That was… We were like,
"Yo, baby formula."

And every time you put
one of Kevin's movies on,

you say to yourself,
"I see where this is staying."

Now, he wasn't always a movie star.
He's had a few setbacks.

Kevin got a DUI.

Isn't that funny?

Just a little tiny DUI,
his feet barely reaching the pedals.

It's a cute DUI.

It was actually, honestly,
it was a pretty serious accident.

He wrapped his micro machine
around a dandelion.

Anyway, things got worse for Kevin
only a few years later when he got fired

from the Oscars for homophobia.

They found an old tweet of his
where he said if his son was gay,

he would break a dollhouse over his head.

I know, that's crazy.

He used to be funny. How about that?

That was really funny.
That was so long ago.

After that, after he got fired
for being homophobic,

he went on like an apology tour

where he had to go around
and do interviews and shit.

And in one of the interviews, he said,
"I'm in love with the man I'm becoming."

Gay. Fucking homo, dude.

I'm gonna break a dollhouse
over his head after that fucking shit.

I guess one of the reasons
no one can afford a house in America

these days is 'cause
Kevin keeps breaking them

over his son's fucking head.

A few months ago, Kevin performed
at the Riyadh Comedy Festival

sponsored by the Saudi government.

They actually, they offered me
a ton of money to do it, but I said no.

Kevin said yes.

The reason I said no was to honor

the brave police officers
and firefighters

who lost their lives that day.

Right, Pete?

Kevin actually did really well
in Saudi Arabia,

but only because they thought
he was the monkey from Aladdin.

Abu, they were thinking about Abu.

Abu.

Abu, which is actually coincidentally

what Kevin hears every time
he puts out one of his dog shit specials.

A boo.

Kevin didn't just do comedy
in Saudi Arabia,

they actually gave him a sword
and a shield

and they made him fight a scorpion.

And then at night they'd put one
of those little falcon helmets on him

so he could go to sleep.

All right.

Well, look, I know this dais
is full of degenerate scumbags,

and they're gonna be up here saying
a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

But, yeah, you guys like that?

But not me. I'm not gonna be doing that.

I've got a nice PG short joke

that I'd like you guys
to be a part of, okay?

Kevin is so short.

How much is he?

Kevin's so short that they're gonna have
to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

That was three weeks
of deliberation on that joke.

I was… Look, I understand how
serious the word lynch is,

but bonsai is so funny.

Anyway, you're the fucking man,
and I'm happy to be here,

and I genuinely love you,

and seriously,
you're a once-in-a-lifetime talent,

and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

Let's get this fucking show started.

And now, our first roaster of the night,
the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

Wow!

What's up, roast fans?

Look at this place.

Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

John Stamos, Usher, I see you,
George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

Blackface is never okay.

Kevin Hart.

We've been friends a long time,
but the world first fell in love with you

when Michael Jackson
dangled you over that balcony.

Tonight, live all over the world,
we celebrate the crack baby that could.

The preemie with a dreamie.

The man who put the elf in Philadelphia.

The great Eddie Smurphy.

You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't
as cool when you're dropping them

from two feet, right?

Yeah, tonight I dress
like your idol Eddie Murphy

because he's not coming.

Your idol doesn't give a fuck
about you, Kevin.

No, Eddie, but we did
get Donkey from Shrek.

Say hello to Sheryl Underwood.

Sheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

I love you, Sheryl Underwood.

By the way, Underwood
is also where they found

Pete Davidson's dad on 9/11.

I love you.

Pete's dad was a firefighter
that died heroically

and somehow Pete
gets all the pussy his dad deserves.

In honor of his dad,
Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

Hit it!

I love this! Comics roasting comics.

You don't see a lot of guys
who look like Shane Gillis in L.A.,

unless they're handcuffing
a Mexican toddler.

Ay, ay, ICE!

Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler.
I love you so much, Chelsea.

I do. I do.

Chelsea told me
she's been getting into microdosing,

which is what she calls
fucking a white guy.

Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought
your new house from RFK Jr.

"Hey, do you want
to see my bag of raccoon dicks?"

And then RFK was like,
"No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own."

Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight,

but he did carry
Draymond Green all the way here.

Love you, buddy. I'm not going
to make fun of you because you're violent.

You've been ejected more times
than a Kevin Hart DVD.

Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

Tony, I love you like a little brother…

…but I've had it up to here
with your politics.

Everyone's here, baby. Look at this place.
Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

MGK.

Fuck.

For a guy who's only going
to need one pallbearer someday,

you sure have a lot to choose from.

What a story. What a story.

Your dad was a street hustler
and addicted to crack cocaine.

So, I guess being dependent
on the rock runs in the family.

Hit it.

Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you

and then I went to see one of your movies
and then I walked out on you.

Maybe you're spending too much time
in the gym working out.

It's arm day, it's leg day.
When is it script day?

Do you even read these pieces
of shit before you say yes?

Come on, spell Jumanji.

Fuck you.

And sure… sure,
Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what?

They just locked him in a room
and put Paw Patrol on his iPad.

Kevin always flies private.
What a waste of leg room.

Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short.
But you know who else was short? Prince.

Prince was 5'2'',
we just don't talk about it a lot

because Prince was great.

But you, Kev, you're not
just an entertainer, you're a brand.

You're like Martha Stewart,

but without the respect
of the Black community.

And I can say that
because I'm dressed like Eddie Murphy.

Hit it, ah, never mind.

Play something sweet.

Today's Mother's Day.

Shout out to the moms…

…and the motherfuckers.

Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon

and I'm sorry yours isn't here tonight
to see all the love in the room.

I know how important she was in your life.
She was strict.

One time you were acting up

and she beat you
with a Hot Wheels track, is that right?

But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted,
put the track back together,

got in his Hot Wheels car
and drove right to Hollywood.

You always say,
"Everybody wants to be famous…

-Nobody wants to do the work.
-…but nobody wants to do the work."

You do the work, you're a motivator.

And you don't know this, Kevin,
but you motivated me.

At the last roast, you said,
every time you look at me,

I look sicker and sicker.

And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

But you inspired me
to go and get my first colonoscopy.

And that cancer screening
was more entertaining

than any screening
you've ever invited me to.

They found
a stage three tumor in my colon.

But luckily, like you, Kevin,
it stopped growing.

If you hadn't made fun of me
and saved me from colon cancer,

I wouldn't have been able
to come up here tonight

and shit all over you.

Thank you
for saving my life, little buddy.

I love you.

The Roastmaster General, everybody,
give it up for Jeff Ross.

And how about an even bigger applause
to all the Roastmaster soldiers

that just wrote all those jokes for him.

What you talking about, Gillis?

If you're wondering
why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy,

good, you should be.

It doesn't make any sense,
and it's kind of embarrassing.

Jeff's face looks like it fell out
of a fucking lava lamp.

They could have used it on me.

-What you talking about, Gillis?
-That's good. That's good.

Jeff's the only guy
to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

Lot of Jews here tonight. That's not good.

Well, I meant for the jokes,
not just in general.

You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.

"Oh, not us." Shut up.

Our next roaster is Na'im Lynn.

Yeah, Na'im.

Na'im, that's a dumb name.
It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes

when he gets stuck
trying to put on a turtleneck.

Na'im. Na'im.

I'd say Na'im is like family to Kevin,

but they actually spend
a lot of time together.

Please welcome Na'im Lynn, everybody.
Give it up for Na'im.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, everyone. I'm probably
the most unrecognizable face up here.

I have a TV show, but it comes on BET.

I've been working with Kevin for 25 years,
and this motherfucker said

he put me in this roast
because it could help my career.

You could have helped my career
by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

You about to do Ride Along 3,
and I still ain't rode along.

Look at you over there, all proud,

like a father that finally showed up
on draft night.

You arrogant fuck.
When Kevin first told me about the roast,

he said, "Tom Brady did 100 million views,

so I'm probably gonna do
200 million views."

This motherfucker think
he more famous than Tom Brady.

Tom has seven Super Bowl rings.
That's like seven Oscars.

You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award.

You don't have an Oscar,
an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

The only Grammy you had died in 1985.

"Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died.
Where are we gonna live now?"

The only thing you and Tom Brady
got in common,

you both love your career
more than your wife.

I'm sorry, Eniko.

Kev, did you know
you're the only second Black person

to be roasted in the last 30 years?

It's just you
and your brother, Flavor Flav.

This guy's a fucking scam artist.

How the fuck you promoting
fitness and tequila?

You told me all these big names
are gonna be up here.

Look at this batch
of bullshit up here, man.

What the fuck
is Draymond Green doing here?

Stupid-ass name.
What the fuck is a "Draymond?"

Your mother didn't know
who your father was,

so she just combined
two of the guys' names.

"Who the daddy, girl?"
"Mm-mm. It's either Andre or Lamond."

"I'ma just call him Draymond."

Your name sounds like a ugly paint color.

And I was thinking about making
the kitchen Draymond Green.

Man, I thought
The Rock would at least be here,

because I got some shit to say about him.

But actually, you know,
it's good he's not here,

because I'd rather talk shit
behind his back. I feel safer.

Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

This is the closest you'll get to being
in shape, so savor the moment.

Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

Fucking sellout,
always playing the white guy in movies.

Nigga, please.

Ain't no White guys named Dwayne.

If you apply for a job at Target
and you write Dwayne Johnson on it,

that shit's going in the trash.

That's a DEI joke,
you stupid motherfucker.

Let me chill,
I don't want no smoke with rock.

That's what almost killed Lamar Odom.

Jeff Ross is here
collecting this one check for the year.

Yeah.

This might be Jeff's last roast
if he don't get that kidney.

Jeff, you look like the only kid

that Michael Jackson visited
in the hospital that lived.

Make a wish, motherfucker.

Chelsea Handler, yeah.

Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there
aging at the speed of white.

Take a picture of Chelsea now,

I guarantee you won't recognize her
by the end of the night.

Over there with all that makeup on,
casket ready.

I can't wait till they do
a remake of Golden Girls

so you can get
a fucking job again, all right?

You'd be like a less fuckable Betty White.

And I'm not talking Betty in her prime.
I'm talking Betty right now.

Yeah, Betty's dead.

We got one of the kings
of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

Sheryl, they've been talking
about doing a biopic on Kev's life.

I think you'd be great to play his dad.

Pete Davidson here. Pete is just
another former SNL cast member

that's gonna overdose at some point.

I don't like you, Pete.

Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man?
I thought, yeah, I thought…

…I thought he'd be here
stealing more money from Netflix.

I know you're watching, Dave.
I saw your last special.

Some jokes would have been nice.

Hour-long speech, 20 million.

He's the reason the damn subscription
goes up every six months.

By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

He hates you
more than the transgender community.

I actually don't know
why the trans hate you.

You're married to a Filipino lady boy.

Okay, they said I gotta say
something nice before I go,

so here it goes.

Kev, you've not only been an inspiration
to me,

but to all comics
and Black people as a whole,

because you didn't stop
at just being a great entertainer.

You became a mogul, a businessman,

creating generational wealth
for not only your family,

but other employees.

When slavery ended,
we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

We didn't get our 40 acres,
but we got our mule.

That's you, my boy.

Keep it going for Na'im, everybody.

Yeah, he did great.

Also, Na'im, great choice there
at the end to talk shit on Dave.

He'll let that go, for sure.

That was an interesting shot.

Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.

She loves sex. Isn't that interesting?

She talked about it for 30 years,
you fuck.

She even released her own sex tape.
Sex tape is also what she uses

to keep from tripping over
her own pussy lips.

You can skip that part.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

I'm not saying that's good or bad.

Speaking of dead kids,
she's a big fan of abortions.

Chelsea's been scraped more times
than the grill at Benihana.

Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp
into a child's mouth,

Chelsea Handler went to dinner
at Jeffrey Epstein's house in 2010.

Just a fun one.
You can look it up, there's articles.

It wasn't like a big party,
there was like seven people there.

And it was like Prince Andrew
and Woody Allen were there.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
Chelsea Handler.

Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

And I thought
I was gonna have the best tits

on this dais tonight.

When I first saw you tonight,

I thought, "Oh, my God,
is that Druski in whiteface?"

Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

What a beautiful way
to spend Mother's Day.

Shane, I feel like I could be your mother,

mostly because you look like
you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

Hi, everybody, it's me,
your resident whore for the evening.

Guys, I just want to clarify, I'm rich,
I'm famous, and I'm hot.

Obviously, I'm gonna be fucking a lot
of guys, okay?

Let's get the party started.

I'm just glad, I'm just glad
that my whore elevator

never stopped
on any of your fucking floors.

And, Shane, just so you know,

Judaism and Zionism
are two different things.

Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown
are two different things,

but your favorite slur works
in both places.

Shane has been accused
of being anti-Asian,

which is ironic considering he has

the complexion and physique
of a steamed dumpling.

Word on the street
is that Shane's a lazy lover

and the only way
to get him to go down on a woman

is to put pussy on the buffet
at Golden Corral.

The first time I met Kevin
was almost 20 years ago

and I remember thinking,

"What is 50 Cent's
dick doing walking around all by itself?"

A lot of people think
Kevin was discovered

during one of The Rock's colonoscopies.

But that's not true.

I was actually one
of the very few people,

very first people,
that gave Kevin a platform

for his "comedy" when I gave him
a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately.

And I had no idea…

Thank you.

I had no idea when I did this
that we would be subjected

to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs,

two Die Harts, endless amounts
of Hart to Heart,

and whatever make-a-wish situation

you have going on
with the plastic fucking cup boys.

So first, I'm here to apologize.

And second, I'm here to do
something we don't see

White people do enough of in Hollywood.
Take credit for a Black person's career.

Kevin, I'm gonna circle back to you
in a minute because I am really here

on behalf of women in America and abroad.

Welcome to tonight's episode
of To Catch a Predator.

This is a real who's who
of statutory rapists.

We're all just lucky none
of you could afford an island.

Netflix assembled this panel of men

to remind us that there are worse things

than Louis C.K. jerking off
in front of you.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

You helped sway the last election.
Way to go.

You should be proud, boys.

Now that your favorite leader
is making the draft mandatory,

I assume that all of you will be
signing up to go fight in Iran.

Or do you tough-talking pussies
only go to the Middle East

for comedy festivals?

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony is what happens when women
don't have safe access to abortion care.

Tony and Shane both live
in Texas where abortion is illegal,

but on the upside,
if you see one of them doing comedy,

there's a pretty good chance

your uterus will start
dry heaving on its own.

Tony is a real guy's guy,

or what's more commonly known
as a bottom.

Tony, you have the face
of a school shooter

and the personality
of someone who gets shot first.

Look at you, you look good.
You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

I didn't know veneers came
in deli mustard yellow.

But it actually looks
a little bit better in person.

You must be using
Crest White supremacist strips.

Tony and Shane,
this must be so exciting for you guys.

Usually on Sunday nights,

you just burn a cross
on someone's lawn.

And tonight,
you get to roast a whole Black guy.

Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

Tony, quick question.
If you're here tonight,

who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls warm
in their mouth?

Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

Let's keep moving.

Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

I'm not gonna use my time
to insult two Black women

when I'm dealing with this fucking
group of idiots.

Draymond Green is here tonight.

I like Draymond a lot.
I like what you're putting down.

Draymond has achieved
something many Black men

in the NBA have never accomplished.
He married a Black woman.

In preparation for this roast,

I looked up everybody's star signs,

so I found out I'm a Pisces,
I know Pete is a Scorpio,

and Jeff Ross has cancer.

Let's give it up
for the least problematic man

on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

Whoever thought
I would say that sentence?

Pete is our moral compass tonight.

Pete recently welcomed his first child
that he knows of.

A beautiful baby girl.

Congratulations, Pete,
on becoming a father.

I can see you've turned over a new leaf.

I'm just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe
didn't have a baby

and that he has a daughter now, you know?

If he had a daughter,
her first words would be, "Me too."

And now, sorry, if you had a son.

And now, back to Kevin.

Kevin had a DUI in 2013

and then had a little dipsy
doodle off Mulholland in 2019.

And then had the nerve
to call one of his movies Ride Along.

Even Tiger Woods is like,
"No thanks, I'll walk."

But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin,
on your tequila.

Kevin's tequila is called Gran Coramino,

which is Spanish
for "Eddie Murphy said fuck no."

It's the only tequila brand
in the world where

if you want to swallow
a tiny shriveled up little worm,

Kevin will personally drive
to your house and face fuck you.

I do want to say this,
however, about Kevin.

Because Kevin is one of the few
male comedians

who's never been gross
or inappropriate around me.

He has never been disrespectful to me
or any other woman in his presence.

And the only time
he ever said anything sexual

was when he was shit-faced
at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties.

And you were like, he was like,
"Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea."

"Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy."

"You fucked the wrong Black guy."

And I thought that was so cute
that you thought there was only one.

Na'im is actually
starting to look familiar.

But the worst thing about Kevin
is if you do Kevin one favor,

he will never stop asking you
to do him more favors.

And the reason people say yes
is because it's the only way

to get you to shut the fuck up.

And somehow you seem to think
that you're the greatest negotiator,

"The best" is what you say.

And I would like to let everyone here know
that the most recent favor Kevin asked me

to do for him was to film
his TV show, Funny AF,

which is a very gay name, by the way.

It ended up being a great show.
You're right, it is a good show.

But I was in Majorca at the time,
like any other rich white woman would be.

So after I said no to Kevin
for the 11th time,

Kevin chartered a private plane
for me and my entire family

to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

Except here's the truth,
my family was never with me, Kevin.

I just said
that to get you to leave me alone,

so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream
for me and my dog.

So I would like to correct the record

from best negotiator
to huge fucking idiot.

And on a nice note,

since this is a roast
and everyone's so disgusting,

I would just like to say,
as a woman, I am proud to be friends

with a male comedian who respects women,

who spends time with his family,
and who loves his wife, Eniko.

That makes me proud to be your friend,

so I'm gonna give you that,
you little fuckin' nugget.

It takes a lot of people.

Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking asshole.

It takes a lot of people to support
the career of Kevin Hart.

Here to honor Kevin's stand ins
and body doubles,

please welcome Lizzo.

Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

Make some noise, y'all!

Give it up for my nigglets, y'all.

We worked really hard on that.

Well, well, well, Kevin.
So this is how you're able

to make five shitty movies
at the same time.

This is against union rules, you know.

They gonna kick you out
the lollipop guild.

Kevin, what's going on with this dais?

I was promised real celebrities.

Where are all your friends
from the Diddy files?

You know all of them.

I feel overdressed right now.
Do y'all like my outfit?

I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet.

Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.

Actually heard that Tony's a fan
of my music,

but the lyric is,
"blame it on the juice,"

not "blame it on the Jews."

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Me and Tony
actually have something in common.

I played James Madison's crystal flute
and he played Donald Trump's skin flute.

Chelsea, a flute is something
you wrap your lips around

that won't leave you after you blow it.

Just want you to know that.

Shane Gillis!

Thank you for that introduction.
You look good.

You been chasing your beer with milk?

Shane Gillis…

Shane Gillis looked like somebody
trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

I just made that one up on the spot.

Um…

Shane, I wrote you a song.

In case nobody told you today
You're special

Thank you.

Save some chromosomes
for the rest of us, boy.

Draymond Green is here.

Why is everyone booing him?
I'm excited to see you.

Personally, I've never
seen Draymond Green in person.

I always thought he was just
six Kevin Hart's in a trench coat.

So, that's fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

Looking like my bloody tampon.

Jeff got ready for tonight

by spending a week
floating face down in a swimming pool.

You know, I believe that everybody
is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

You ugly as shit.

You look like a old, white, Black woman.

Okay, okay, okay,
that was mean, that was mean.

There's so much negativity here tonight
and y'all know that's not my thing.

I like to write songs
that uplift and inspire women

so that they don't make bad decisions
like fucking Pete Davidson.

I'm sorry, I didn't wanna--
I would fuck you.

There's more to that joke
and I'm just gonna stop it right there.

Let's keep going.

In all seriousness…

In all…

Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.

But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

It's an honor to share the stage
with someone

who's opened the door
for so many Black men.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

Wakanda forever!

Chelsea, your set was incredible
and your tits are even better, babe.

Whoo!

Kevin and I are both mocked for our size,

and we share that pain,
but I can lose weight.

You can't get taller, nigga.

Ain't no Ozempic
for being short and greasy.

Kevin, thank you
for having me here tonight.

And as a thank you,
I have a new album coming out…

and I actually named it after you.
It's called "Bitch."

You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin.
I love you so much.

Give it up for Lizzo.

I'd really love to make fun of her,
but I met her earlier this week

and she's actually pretty fucking cool.
Who would have thought that?

But anyway, actually,
I'd still like to do it. Go back.

Lizzo looks like the final boss
of a Red Lobster video game.

People keep saying Lizzo's washed up,
but I believe the correct term is beached.

Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.

We're having fun.

I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

No, come on, why you gotta get me?
I've been getting a lot.

What the fuck's your problem, Chelsea?

God damn.

Guys, the next guy we're gonna talk about
is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson is here to remind me

that being on SNL
does not make you a better comedian.

Pete showed up at the
Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

I actually think
that's pretty fucking awesome.

At least you didn't show up
to that event on Viagra

like a lot of the people in this room did.

There's a lot of pedophiles here.

Pete, this is actually
an intervention for you.

Please start doing drugs so you can be
fun and interesting again.

He has a new podcast
on Netflix and it fucking sucks.

I don't-- Pete's the fucking man.

I love him. Make some noise.
Pete Davidson, everybody.

All right. Wow.

Look at this dais.
Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

Great job hosting, Shane.

You look like you got
CTE playing fantasy football.

Shane, you got fired from SNL.
Do you know how hard that is?

I tried for eight years
and couldn't do it.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here,
looking like both a child molester

and the doll they give the child
to show where he touched them.

Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk
in that he's definitely been on camera

letting a guy unload in his throat.

Oh, you don't know me?
You don't know me? Yeah.

Yeah. Kill Tony.

Please, someone, fucking kill Tony.

Tony, nothing you say
tonight will hurt my feelings.

I was in a beef with Kanye,
so I've taken shots from better gay Nazis.

Thank you. Yeah.

What's left of Lizzo is here.

Either that or Eddie Murphy
just premiered the newest clump.

Hercules! Hercules! No.

Lizzo mostly dates men,
but identifies as LGB-B-Q

Chelsea Handler is here.

Thanks for saying nice things about me.
That was nice.

Chelsea is so old that when she blew
50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

Regina Hall is here. Pass.

Na’im Lynn, also pass.

Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look
like the inside of a clam.

Jeff looks like my dad
if he somehow survived 9/11.

The Babadook,
I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

Hello ma'am.

Sheryl has a daytime Emmy,
‘cause nobody could see her at night.

We play hide and seek later,
you're on my team.

I'm sorry.
By the way, guys, Sheryl isn't smiling.

She's just unhinging her jaw
so she can swallow Kevin whole.

Big Jay is here.

Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine.
Love you.

Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear,
because eventually they find out

he's been recording them the whole time.

Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

Why do you look blacker than usual?
Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

Ooh. Ooh.

Thanks. Yeah. Yeah.

Draymond's so dirty,

even Magic Johnson refuses
to play with him.

And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

Yep. I love you too, buddy.

What can you say about Kevin
that hasn't already been yelled out

by a guy with Tourette's at the BAFTAs?

Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop.

You know, I get lumped in a lot
with Kevin because we both performed

at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

But the difference is, Kevin went
to Saudi Arabia for a day's work.

Well, I've been owed
that money since I was seven.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

First of all, I just want
to say I love you very much.

You've always been super nice to me.
We actually met at the Bieber roast,

which is super cool that now it's this.

You're a very hardworking person,
and when it's all said and done, you know,

in the comedy world, what's most important
is you'll be remembered.

And I think that's fucking something.
So, thanks for having me.

Yeah, Pete, hell yeah.
Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

Fuck yeah, Pete.

Now, we're gonna talk
about Draymond Green.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah, fuck him.

Draymond Green has
four NBA championships

the way Ringo Starr
has 11 number one albums.

Draymond's always taking credit

for the accomplishments
of his more talented friends.

See, Jeff? It's not just you.

Draymond is the first player
to make four All-Star teams

for just setting picks.

Thought that would get more.
Fuck you guys. You don't know ball.

Go ahead, make some noise.
Draymond Green, everybody.

Give it up for Draymond.

I think this is the part
where I'm supposed to say,

"Fuck all of you for booing me."

But I actually…

But I actually need y'all to laugh
at these jokes they wrote for me,

so y'all love apologies, I'm sorry, okay?

I know I probably seem
a little uncomfortable up here,

but I'm in the NBA.

I'm not used to working around
this many white people.

I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

Kevin, you let all these white boys
talk bad about us, our culture,

our beautiful Black women.
You fucking sell out.

Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

And I'm putting cases
on all you white motherfuckers.

Shane Gillis, look at you.

Big pastry face.

That mustache.
You look like a 1930s baseball card.

If you look closely at Jeff Ross,
you'll notice he has no eyebrows.

They were lost when he went through
Kevin Hart's windshield.

If Kevin Hart had a video game,
they'd call it "Grand Theft-- Uh-oh."

Tony Hinchcliffe, what's up man?

Always flexing that he grew up
in the hood.

Well, yeah, that's what you were
to a fucking cross burning.

Pete Davidson's here.

Pete Davidson's here. Why?

You fucked a Kardashian.

You have those big ass lips

and terrible fucking
decision-making skills.

You get an N word pass.

It's only good for an hour,
and use it wisely.

I'll tell you who's having
a terrible Mother's Day.

Chelsea Handler's kids.

Chelsea's had so many abortions,

she's killed more innocent Blacks
than the LAPD.

Listen, I did not write these jokes.

Chelsea, you were really nice to me.
I'm sorry.

In her defense,
several of them were armed.

I should stop here.

And no, no, go back. We're not done.

Not fucking done here.

And no, I never have and never
will smash Chelsea Handler.

I'm Draymond Green.
I don't hit threes.

You might have seen
that three-point shootout

I did with Kevin. He was awful.

Kevin, you put up enough bricks
to build your dad a new crack house.

Just so Kevin didn't look terrible,
they deliberately had me miss shots.

I'm like, "Sure, anyone can blow
a shot, right, Kev?"

Like when you blew your shot
at the Oscars.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

What the fuck is your issue, man?

Kevin and I are boys.
We play poker together.

When we first started playing,
he didn't know anything.

I had to explain.

A straight flush is
what you should have done

with that Get Hard script.

You should have flushed
that piece of shit.

Kevin is terrible at cards.

He's gotten better,
but he's still fucking terrible.

He plays poker the way he makes
all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

We always clean him out,
because if you pay attention,

Kevin has a subtle tell.

"Oh, shit, pocket kings."

"I'm gonna beat all you motherfuckers."

"Dumb bitches, it's me, motherfuckers."

And you can always tell
when Kevin's bluffing.

Like when he says
how great the next special is gonna be.

I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

It's the only time I can go to a theater,

and the people sitting behind me
don't mind me blocking their view.

During Borderlands,
I heard someone yell, "Up in front!"

They didn't write a joke for Na'im.

They didn't-- The writers didn't know
who the fuck you were.

But I'm here for you,
Kev, because we're family.

People don't know this, but my wife
and your wife are cousins.

They say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family.

If I could do that,
I'd be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

Thank y'all.

Great job, Draymond.

Way to go, Draymond.

Here we go now, Draymond.

It's pretty good, fuck. All right.

Uh… …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah.

A lot of people don't know this,

but Big Jay actually got
his start playing banjo

with the other animatronic bears
on Splash Mountain.

Jay and Kevin were
once best friends.

Jay, if it makes you feel any better,
if Kevin didn't abandon you,

you would have just ended up
like fucking Na'im Lynn.

All right, I thought
that was pretty funny, okay.

Uh, for real, I do love you
and I hope this goes well for you.

You're the fucking man…
…make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

Oh, thank you. What's up?
Thank you, Roots.

Hear it for them. What, is this place
falling the fuck asleep?

Let's fucking go, everyone.
What a crowd, goddamn.

T-Pain, fucking MGK,
John fucking Stamos.

Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast?

He is? John Stamos is your friend.

-Yes.
-There were no Black people on Full House.

Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis
doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

Isn't Shane what we all thought
Schwarzenegger and the maid's kid

was gonna look like?

A big lummoxed body
with a Mexican lady mustache?

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General
is here, everybody.

Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile,
God sure thought you were gonna be.

Because why would he make your face
look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people
to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

And I wrote that without even knowing
how he was gonna dress tonight.

The queen of roasting
is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser,

of course, because it's Chelsea Handler's
week with the substance.

They each get one week,
you can't cross over.

Handler, you old bag of Botox.

I feel like you're a girl
that I would call by her last name

if I knew you better. "Handler."

You know, Handler here
famously had sex with 50 Cent

and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem
with regular-sized dicks?

Do you have to try them all out first?

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex.

What do you guys think that smells like?
I bet you got some ideas.

I wrote a few down.

Lilac and corn chips.
Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

Logan Berry and fired gun.

Old hands and new sneakers.
You could play at home if you want.

Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors.
#50CentHandlerSmells.

Sheryl Underwood is here.

Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.

And a beautiful Black woman,
with the word "Black" in bold italics.

Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as the road is black.

She looks like somebody made a genie wish
for a puddle of mud to come to life.

Sheryl Underwood is as Black
as interstellar phenomenon.

If she stood against a brick wall,

the roadrunner could run
right through her.

Sheryl Underwood is so Black,
we had to bring on Draymond Green

just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

We became friends earlier.

My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here!
Make some noise, God damn.

A lot of people might not remember,
but Tony actually got cancelled one time

by his very own Asian opener
for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

And then Tony hired a new Asian opener
to prove that he wasn't a racist.

which I thought
was the original Asian opener

because I'm a racist.

How about Tony's mouth, by the way?
All the mouths over here.

Pete Davidson's fucking mouth is crazy.
I've known Pete since he was 17 years old.

I always dreamed that one day
his head and body would grow

into his teeth and dick.

Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl,
we don't need chairs up here.

We need fucking stables.

Thank God we kept them all
over here before they buck Handler.

You know, Lizzo, how about that?
How crazy is that?

Lizzo probably doesn't even know this.

She doesn't even know this,
but we were in a movie together.

We were in the movie Hustlers
where I played a strip club DJ

and Lizzo very bravely portrayed
a stripper, very bravely.

In fact, it was so brave

that every time she'd come on set
in her stripper outfit,

I would get in trouble
for starting slow claps.

And finally, the reason
that we're all here,

the one, the only,
my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

I've known Kevin
for twenty-eight years now,

and it's a strange thing
because I only actually knew him

for the first five years,
so I know pre-famous Kev.

I don't know famous Kevin at all.

Famous Kevin is sitting
on sixty-seven unanswered texts

from me, up
to and including, "Hey, Kev,

super psyched for the roast,
thanks for including me."

I don't know
the guy farting out Fabletics ads

or staring down
the dick hole

of General Insurance hype man
Shaquille O'Neal or…

shoving your fucking
dumb tequila down our throats.

I know the person, Kevin Hart.

And I have a story I wanted to close
on about Kev that means…

This is actually emotional,
this is good.

In 2012,

Hurricane Sandy devastated me.
I lived in Long Island, New York.

I lost-- The place I was living
was all fucked up and my car.

I had no money.

I was broke and with my wife
and my daughter,

and just a humiliating time.

And as word started
to spread that I got fucked up

by this hurricane so bad, I started
getting phone calls after years,

from Kev, and I kept seeing his number,
and I wouldn't answer.

I was too full of ego
and pride and like…

I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

I knew he was going to try to come in
and save the day and give me money

or something, and I was just,
I didn't want to deal with it.

And then I got a phone call
from our mentor.

Me and Kev had the same mentor,
who is an amazing guy.

The guy who helped so many comics
come up and probably the reason

that me and you are even
standing here today,

the guy who taught us everything,
our mentor,

the late, great Keith Robinson.

No, he's still alive.

He's still alive. He's still alive, man.

He's still alive?

-He's still alive, Jay.
-Oh.

He died to me after you got famous.

Hey, Keith.

Well…

Well, anyway, Keith called me.

And I answered the phone for Keith.

And Keith, in his old seventies
pimp voice said, he goes, "Hey."

"Answer the phone for Kev.
He's trying to call you."

"He wants to help you out."

And I said, "No,
I'm not answering the phone."

"I know he's trying to give me money."

"It's going to make me feel
uncomfortable."

"I'm embarrassed. I can't do it."

And then Keith told me,
he goes, "Come on, man, stop."

He's trying to give you
ten thousand dollars.

And that, like, at the time,
that was a gazillion dollars to me.

It was everything.

And I said, "No, I can't take it.
It's too much."

"I can't pay it back."

And he said, "He's not trying
to get you to pay it back,

he wants to give it to you."
And I said, "No, I can't do it."

"It's insane, it's too much money."

And then Keith, in his wise words,
said to me, "It's insultingly low."

And in hindsight, he's right.
Ten thousand--

He'd already done Ride Along,
five, six movies, easy already.

But whether it was low or not,
what it did was, Kev,

it got me back on my feet enough
that I was able

to get my wife and daughter back
into our apartment.

And then I was able
to take the rest of that money,

and in true Kevin Hart fashion,

immediately leave my first family.

So thank you, Kev,
for sending me on my way, my man.

I love you so much.

Thank you for having me.

Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Keep it going for Jay.

We asked Teyana Taylor to be here
at the roast tonight,

but she sent a letter
explaining why she couldn't be here.

Now to read that letter, please welcome
Teyana Taylor, everybody.

Thank you, thank you.

Dear Kevin, first of all,
what's up, bitch?

Two plus two not
knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

Built like you asked for one adult ticket
with confidence, bitch.

How you doing?

Kevin, I'm writing you this letter
from my kitchen

because one of your movies
is playing in my living room right now,

and my five-year-old yelled out
that you was built like you came

with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

My ten-year-old asked,
"Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three

and I'm four-ten,
how am I still taller than him?"

And…

And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer that.
Just couldn't answer that.

Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight

because I didn't want to show off the--

you know, I didn't want to throw off
the balance of the dais

by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman
of the Year, Golden Globe winner,

you know, to the lineup.

That just… That just wouldn't be fair
to anybody, especially you.

See, I feel like roasting you
is kind of beneath me, you know?

I know it's kind of like a foreign thing,
a foreign concept,

because it's literally nothing
that is beneath you, but still.

I would never say something so hateful

like "I starred
in One Battle After Another

while Kevin's career
has been one bomb after another."

I mean, that would just be so cruel,
you know?

I would never do that, Kev.
That's Rotten Tomatoes' job, but unlike…

But unlike those very fair
and balanced critics,

I actually respect you a little bit.

That's why I asked you
to present me with my award

at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

But you was fake busy,
talking about some, "I tried,

I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots,
head ass…" Shut up!

The fuck? So with that being said,
why would I come to your shit?

Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

Which honestly
isn't really hard around you.

But most importantly,

Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money
to write this letter.

Ain't this a bitch?

Be my fucking friend and be here.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here
and this letter. I'm here. I'm here, here.

Because I damn sure
wasn't doing this shit for free.

I ain't going to hold you, Kev.

But for the right price,
here I am with this heartfelt letter.

Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss.
Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

Um, you know what's so crazy?

I remember when we first met,
about 15 years ago,

-at a Halloween party.
-Yeah.

I was dressed
as white boy Bob from Marketing,

and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy.
Here's a photo.

Yeah. It's a good time.
We had a good time, T.

We had a good time this night, T.

I remember this night.
We had a good fucking time.

Tell the people
that we had a good fucking time.

Tell them that we had
a good fucking time, T.

I got you. I got you.

Man, we had a great time.
You know, look at us.

Just young and, you know, like,

it was really a time--
especially at a time where,

like, everybody wanted
to wear the sexy costumes.

Them bitches was kittens and shit.

You know, and then here
our dumbasses just looking

like Thomas Jefferson
and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

Yeah. I ain't gonna front. We both got
some audacity in that picture.

But, Kevin, you…

dressed up as an iconic,
funny comedian is unbelievable

and is disrespectful and is inappropriate.
Don't ever do that shit again.

But in all seriousness,
bro, no, real shit.

Bro, this is the serious part.
I'm so serious.

I really, truly love you.
You are a fucking little icon.

And like…

No, I really do.
Like, you're a fucking legend,

and I mean that
from the bottom of my heart,

which thankfully for you
is still above your head.

-I'm sorry.
-You just said you was done.

You said you were done.
Be fucking sweet. Come on.

Be nice to me. Come on.
Fucking, we're friends.

-We're real friends. Be my fucking friend.
-My feelings is hurt.

-My letter's over.
-Okay. Oh, no.

-Sincerely yours, T.
-Oh, no, Teyana.

No, Teyana, don't storm off.
Teyana, don't storm off.

Fuck.

Make the people give some love.

Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

-Thank you, Shane.
-Man.

Thank God she's good looking, cuz boy,
is that bitch not funny at all.

Also, Pete, Pete.

Pete, you're the only one
that can do it. Do it, brother.

Holy shit.

Just don't let her read
a letter again ever. Uh…

Hopefully she gets mad at me
and talks to me later.

Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes.

Tony reminds me
of a prince who studies gladiators.

Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

I'm so fucking entertained right now.
Fuck yeah.

I thought it was funny, dude.

All right, get ready to hear
some real racist jokes

from a guy who truly believes them
and hopes JD Vance is watching.

Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe.
Make some noise for Tony.

Hell yeah. One more time
for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto,

I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp
at one point during her set.

Are you still watching?
One more time for Shane Gillis.

He looks like the type of slave owner
that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

Uh, so, uh, he'll get bigger, right? Uh…

If Kevin was a slave, his song would be,
"Let My People Grow."

This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying
to fill Tom Brady's shoes.

A lot of extra space.

That's like Pete Davidson's dick
trying to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

Indeed, the closest Pete has come

to greatness
is when his dick rubbed up

against some of Kanye's old cum.

Nobody can name a joke
or a sketch you've ever done, Pete.

If your father
could see how you turned out,

he'd be rolling in his rubble.

Regina Hall is here.
She was in a hit movie,

One Battle After Another,
which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

Yeah.

We knew Chelsea Handler
would be available today

because it's Mother's Day.

Chelsea is a Jew, that's why she's here.
That's also the best thing about her.

She once dated 50 Cent,

not the first time
a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

Chelsea, why so serious?

She looks like the fucking Joker, people.

She's aging like a vegetable
in Lizzo's fridge.

Yeah, and she fucking sucks,
and always has, by the way.

Her whole act is just talking
about how it's stupid to have kids.

We get it, your ovaries are busted.

That's like if Kevin's whole act
was about how roller coasters

aren't that cool anyway.

But seriously,
Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen,

not on purpose, they're just inside
of a cold, frigid bitch.

Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock,
who even is this bitch?

You look like a grape Laffy Taffy
that went through the dryer.

How have you been sitting next to me
and playing drums the whole night?

That hair, the purple,
you look like your own pussy.

She was on a show called
The Talk for 13 years.

If you never saw it,
here's what you missed.

"No, no, no, hold up,
let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk."

Her husband committed suicide
three years into their marriage.

I've been sitting next to her
for two hours and I have to ask,

how did he last that long?

Draymond Green is a naughty guy.
He has paid four million dollars in fines.

Did you name your daughter Cash
because you plan on losing her anyway?

Cash, amazing.

She won't even have to change her name
when she gets hired at the strip club.

Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost
of strawberry cheesecake.

Yeah.

Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

My good friend beat cancer.

But you know cancer is out there.

Cancer's out there somewhere
talking to its friends like,

"You gotta see the other guy."

Jeff is so Jewish
that when the hospital gave him his bill,

he's like, "Can you put some
of the cancer back in?"

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen,
he was born nine months

after his father spit a watermelon seed
into his mother's vagina.

Yep, I did that.

And then he was born,
nine pounds, seven ounces,

and he remains the same today.

Kevin is so small,
people call him the lowercase N-word.

He was raised by a single mother
and a stepladder.

Because of Kevin's awful childhood
and feelings of inadequacy,

he became a workaholic to distract himself
from the grief of who he is on the inside.

And to make matters worse,
his inner child is taller than him.

But look at him now.
Oh, you're not wearing a chain.

I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

It would make a great bracelet
for a normal-sized black man.

But you didn't wear the normal chain

that you wear to overcompensate
for how small you are.

Kevin has so few Black friends

that he started a vegan fast-food chain
and nobody stopped him.

His vegan restaurant is like his movies,

because you don't have to go
to know it fucking sucks.

Kevin, in a town full
of successful pedophiles,

it's great to know that you are not one,
but in fairness, if you ever tried,

any fuckable ten-year-old
would beat the living shit out of you.

His audience is so ghetto

that his merch table
has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk's.

Kevin, if you're here,
who's holding P Diddy's pocket in jail?

Kevin has been so far up The Rock's ass

that he can actually
smell what he's been cooking.

Kevin-- The Rock played Black Adam.
Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

He's won two Grammys,

at least that's what the scale
says when he stands on it.

Two Grammys.

Lizzo has ate… everything
that's ever been put in front of her.

But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

People describing you
no longer have to say the word "really"

before saying the word "fat."

She loves flutin'
as much as she loves gluten.

You know, Kevin, they told me
not to mention your kids on this roast,

but I must say, you did good.

They've gotten so big,
they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

It's true, he lost his gig
hosting the Academy Awards

because of some homophobic tweets,
but you'd be homophobic too

if you were eye level
with everyone's cock.

He got into a fist fight
on a private plane,

proof that no matter how much money
Black people have,

they're still just gonna act
like ninjas is fighting.

Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian
from Philadelphia.

And like Bill Cosby, women don't know
when Kevin is inside of them.

You've done good, though, Kevin.
The Black community is so proud of you.

Right now,
George Floyd is looking up at us all,

laughing so hard that he can't breathe.

God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

And God bless
the United States of America.

Thank you so much.

Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail
and he just fucking killed.

Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl.

Sheryl got a standing ovation once
on Def Jam.

Now she's deaf, eats jam,
and has trouble standing.

Sheryl was in the Air Force,
but she couldn't fly.

And neither could her husband,
who jumped off…

…who jumped off a building,
and he died from that.

I swear to God, I called her
before this to ask if that was okay.

I would have never done that.

But now she's a Christian comic,
so this should fucking suck. Uh…

No, she's the best. Make some noise,
Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

First of all…

Tony, you think you hurt my feelings
by talking about my dead husband?

My husband only died once.

You die every night with them
whack-ass jokes you be telling.

I love the fact that you white boy comics
want to say

all the words that Black comics
get canceled for saying.

And I'm glad that y'all brought back words
like "midget" and "retard."

No, Kevin, I'm not talking
about you when I say "midget."

But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you
when I say "retard."

Now, I know it's some shit
in that motherfucking teleprompter,

but I'm glad that, Shane,
your motherfucking ass,

stopped that wigger.

'Cause had you said anything
that sound bigger, trigger,

or anything that sound like nigga,

you wouldn't have made it
out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

You don't know where the fuck you are.

You will respect us in this house.

This is the fucking forum
built by the Showtime Lakers.

And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart

for bringing us all together.

Freedom of speech is alive today.

It shows that we can all come together
and crack jokes on each other

and still respect each other.

And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this.

My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

And yeah, y'all brought up
when I was on The Talk.

And when I was on The Talk,
I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

Before he married that girl,

I put my tongue
all the way down his esophagus.

I can't say what he said after that.

All I can say, he married a young bitch
and took her to Disneyland.

Shane, you may talk some shit about me,
but I know your kind.

You want to hit this Black pussy

harder than you hit the windows
of the Capitol on January 6th.

You know who the fuck you talking to?

I know you want to fuck me.

'Cause you're tired
of fucking your sister.

So, you want to fuck a real sister.

All this Black pussy in here.

Shane dick getting harder and harder.

I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo…

…and lose.

But none of us are gonna fuck
your pasty white-boy ass.

Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay?

I'm on a tour called "I Need a Job Tour,"
so, come on, motherfucker, let's go.

Big Jay.

Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me.
You sexy, you get that pussy.

Over there looking like Guy Fieri.

You know we like diners, drive-ins,
and dicks, so, let's go, motherfucker.

You not just a snack,
you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

Got that big football player body,
and I know football players.

I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.

The offensive line, the defensive line,
the offensive coordinator,

defensive coordinator, coaching staff,

team doctor,
the dudes selling the hot dogs,

the motherfucker
that wrote "Fly Eagle Fly."

I fucked him too.

That was one hell of a party.

So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

Well, come on over here
and beat this pussy up then.

Come on, let's go.

Keep rolling your teleprompter.

I would fuck you Draymond,
but I'm afraid of heights.

I'm only 5'2.

but I'm still two inches taller
than Kevin Hart,

you mighty mouse motherfucker.
They wrote that, they wrote that.

The white people wrote it.
The white people…

-The white people… I didn't…
-The fuck is that?

I'm just saying it to get the check,
motherfucker, goddamn.

Pete Davison, I just wanna know,

what is in your dick
that's driving these bitches crazy?

And whatever it is,

can you put it in Chelsea Handler
so she can stop fucking Black men?

I'm sorry, Chelsea,

I had to say that one.
They paid me, they paid me.

Question for the dais,

who has had more Black dick in this town,
me or Chelsea Handler?

The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

And for all of you who were thinking that,

you've won a brand new car.

Now let's talk about Kevin.

No, no, no, I gotta do it.
For the check, Ted told me.

Ted at the luncheon said,

"Bitch, say this shit
or you're not getting paid."

I gotta do what Ted said.

I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

I wasn't going to say this shit,

but Kevin and I hooked up once
before he got married.

Before he got married.

He got stuck in my pussy.

I tied a rope around his neck
and pulled him out like a tampon.

Hold on.

That's not in the prompter. I'm sorry.

Kevin Hart is packing.

Kevin Hart is packing.
He's packing ten inches in his pants.

They're his legs,
but it's still ten inches.

Fucking Kevin was a lot like
watching his movies.

The first five minutes are okay…

…then you're just waiting
for it to be over.

I don't know, it could get rogue.

You gotta say it.

-You gotta say it.
-Okay, ready?

-Ready?
-You gotta say it.

You think he's loud in his movies?

When we were fucking…

…he was hollering
and screaming and shaking.

I said, "Will you shut the fuck up…

before somebody think
I'm watching one of your movies?"

-Yes, Sheryl!
-All right.

So, I want to say this with all the love.

You have done what we asked you
to do in the culture.

You've represented us well.

You've been a great businessman
and a great performer.

Today, we are proud
to stand here to roast,

'cause we only roast who we love,
and we truly love you.

-Fuckin' Sheryl.
-Good night.

Sheryl Underwood!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This motherfucker hugs me and go,
"Can I still get that pussy though?"

Keep it going for Bernie Smack.

Just thought of that one, let's go.

Uh…

But, yeah, that was honestly…
That was incredible.

This is… Now, yeah.
It feels good now. Now…

Earlier I was like,
this isn't as good as the Tom Brady roast.

Now it feels pretty good.

Regina Hall is here, everybody.
Make some noise.

They added her last minute,
so I don't really have anything for her,

but here's a joke
we couldn't do for Sheryl.

It's something about Aunt Jemima.
I don't know, it got cut.

It was clever, you would've loved it.

Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody.
Make some noise.

Wow.

Thank you, Kevin.

It's very nice to be here.

It's been tough, you know, I mean,
having to sit here and watch you,

and you haven't been able
to talk back.

Anyone who knows me knows
I've known Kevin for twenty years.

I've been to all of his shows.

Well, not all of them.

I've seen his movies, and despite that,
I am still here tonight.

No, seriously, Kevin,

I've been listening
to all of these people,

and I don't think you deserved
any of those insults.

I-- I'm here actually as a true friend.

So I thought I would share something,
this is honest, sacred,

that only you and I know, Kevin.

Now, Kevin and I go--
we go back, as I said,

and there's one special thing
that only Kevin and I know about.

Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy,
God rest her soul,

she communicates
with me sometimes.

No, this is actually the truth.

Many, many, many, many years ago,

do you remember when I called
and I told you

that she said don't go to Vegas?

She said, "Kevin, don't go in there
and accidentally fuck that girl."

She said… She said…

No, she said,
"Kevin, go to 1515,"

but I wrote it down wrong.
Do you remember?

Because I had been drinking that night.

She knew there was a camera
in that room,

Kevin, and she tried.

So I want to say I'm sorry,
Kevin, because that was on me.

That was my bad,
but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

I'm not gonna mess up.

I'm sober.

Okay, so I wrote down some other things
that your mother,

that she's expressed, and I'd like
to read them tonight.

These I got right.

"Kevin, I love you,
and I'm so proud of you."

"You won best picture of the year."

Oh, wait, no, no, that's for me.

Hold on.

Because you didn't win, Kevin.

But thank you, Miss Nancy.

Now, here we go.
Here we go for real.

Kevin.

All right.

She misses your movies.

She says they don't go up there
in heaven because it's heaven.

Oh, oh, but she said your dad is
enjoying them all down where he is.

That was very sweet.

She says she regrets not being there
for you when your father passed.

Oh, so she could watch
that motherfucker die.

Okay. All right.

Tell Kevin that's a quote, okay?

She says that she's sorry that she
always treated your brother better,

but that's only
because she loved him more.

That's enough, Regina.

Oh, wait, wait.

And now she's saying I told you not
to do that.

Oh, no, that's about your failed
vegan fast food chain.

Okay. All right.

No, no, she just said,

nigga, you grew up
on Philly cheesesteaks.

Why you ain't start a chain
of that shit?

I'm sorry, Kevin.

No, no, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

More stuff is coming through.

It's like I'm Oda Mae Brown out here.

Hold on.

Pete!

No, this is sweet.

I'm only here with love tonight.

No one has to worry.

She says that your dad, he misses you,
and he sees your success.

He wants to know what it was
like to fuck Kate Beckinsale,

Emily Ratatouille,
Ariana Gran--

I can't name them all.

Ariana Grande…
We'll get to it later, Pete.

He also says you inherited your dick size

from him and you're welcome.

She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him
in about three weeks.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Regina, that's enough.

-Regi--
-Sorry.

She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all
up there and they want to say…

Thank you.

You made the right decision.

She also said,
I told you Teyana might bomb.

I'm sorry.

I'm just downloading, guys.

Last thing, finally,

Miss Nancy says, thank you all
for being here to celebrate my son.

I love you, Kevin Hart.

Have fun on your big night.

And now-- Oh.

I have to get back
to Michael Clarke Duncan,

who's been a deep green mile
in this pussy

-for the past three months.
-What the fuck?

Regina!

Regina!

The fuck is that?

It's Mother's Day.

Sorry.

She said they run trains in heaven.

Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

Not your…

What? What the fuck?

-Don't! Regina, look at me.
-I'm sorry.

-Don't fucking-- Don't--
-I didn't say it.

There's hope for us
in the afterlife, ladies.

They're fucking up there.

All right.

In closing, I just want to share
a heartfelt memory that I have.

And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

I was doing a movie
and I walked on set, everyone,

not knowing what I was in for.

The director told me
that I needed to do an improv scene

with the funniest motherfucker
that he had ever worked with.

He called action and it was magic.

I was in awe watching this man work.

So quick, so funny.

His large stature
was beyond his physical height.

I will never forget
how it felt performing with him.

He was so great, and he still is.

I'm the last person they want
in this motherfucker right here.

Yes, yes, Kevin.

My special gift to you.

It's the other capital
motherfucking K everyone,

Katt Williams.

Kevin still looks up to you

The type of man that kevin hart
Wished he could be

Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Hello Kevin.

Hello Katt.

I'm surprised they invited me.

That's how little star power you have.
They had to start inviting your enemies.

I said, "I hate him."

They said, "Come anyway."

Very humble of me to be
at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

I've won an Emmy Award,

but this is gonna be
my best acting tonight,

as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

For the people at home, you're wondering,
"Why is the Katt man doing this?"

For the money, bitch.

This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Only one with a soul.

Kevin, you're gonna hear
some things tonight

that you're not familiar with.

Those things are called punchlines.

Is this deus the best that the industry
could put together for dear old Kev?

I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real

or if this is
the junior varsity version, but…

For those of you just joining us,

Kevin and I have beef.

And I'll tell you why.

'Cause privately, this motherfucker
stole everything from me.

Before he saw my act,
he was a six-foot-three white man.

I tried to tell y'all
that Kevin Hart was a plant.

'Cause I keep burying him,
he keeps springing back the fuck up.

Just like a plant.

Yes, I said some things
I'd like to take back.

Some things I said were misunderstood.

I did say that Kevin was
a Hollywood puppet,

and I want to explain that.

Because it might not be what you think.

I meant that the head of Netflix
literally has his whole hand

up Kevin's ass
and can make him do anything.

Kevin only has one rule
in his movies, no N-word.

And that N word is "No."

He's never fucking said it, never ever.

Scary Movie 3, Ride Along,
Night School, Get Hard.

I turned down all of them.

Cause I was not comfortable
being a coon.

Went right behind me for the same price.

If you're gonna see a Kevin Hart movie,
do yourself a favor,

see it in a Black theater
so you can hear words like,

"I want my motherfucking
money back."

And "I want my money back too."

Or "This is some bullshit,
I want my money back."

Even The Rock can't save your ass.

Kevin and The Rock have
what you call a bromance.

That's when two actors secretly fuck
the shit out of each other.

But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

Only two people have done that,
me and his father.

Kevin once said if his son was gay,
he would take a dollhouse

and hit him over the head with it,

which is arguably the gayest way
to abuse a child.

But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

You just can't do it. He's made of Teflon.

They tried to cancel him
for being homophobic and I don't get it.

I'm saying the guy who's obsessed
with shopping sprees and fitness,

always surrounded by ten dudes

and Chelsea Handler and oiled up
half-Samoan bodybuilders,

and a vegan restaurant
and bought yoga pants.

You think that guy is homophobic?
That guy is a fairy, bitch.

He is not.

That's the gayest man I ever met.
You slay, queen. You do that.

They tried to cancel Kevin
for the Diddy parties.

They hurled allegations at him.

But thanks to all the baby oil…

…the charges didn't stick.

Kevin famously was at a brunch of--
A brunch.

Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties,

but in his defense, it was only
'cause Diddy thought he was ten.

Kevin even hosted
a record release party for P. Diddy.

There was a record number
of releases on the bed,

in the pool, on the floor,
everywhere but the hoes.

But I want to be clear,
just because Kevin went to Diddy parties

does not mean he did something wrong.

The fact that he gets all quiet
when you bring it up…

…that means he did something wrong.

Yet people give him awards.

Kevin, I have an idea for a movie
where you travel back in time,

and Mark Twain takes
his motherfucking award back

and calls you the N-word.

Now, that's a good movie,
so I know you'll pass on it.

All right, listen.

I could go on all night hating
on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

But at some point…

…you've got to look yourself
in the mirror and say,

"Do I really want to have beef
with the rabbit, Snowball,

from The Secret Life of Pets 2?"

Yes, I do, Kevin.

Yes, I do.

Motherfucker wouldn't even play
a Black rabbit.

Can you imagine the coonery?

I'm out. Good night, Inglewood.
Thank y'all so much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

Just give me,
give me one fucking minute.

Me and this man have been
at odds for years on years.

You coming out here,
quite the fucking surprise,

but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you,

I can laugh,
because I'm a fucking fan first, okay?

I'm a fan first.

Katt, we have an opportunity
in real time,

this is live television,
to put our fucking beef behind us.

I am offering you
an olive branch of peace.

I wanna be a brother,
I wanna be a friend.

Katt, I wanna move on.

Can we move on, man? Can we move on?

Katt Williams one time,

ladies and gentlemen,
Katt fucking Williams.

All right, how about that?
Those little tiny guys being friends.

So funny,
like they're gonna do something.

"What are you gonna do?" Shut up.

Fucking 220-pound man being like,
"you wanna squash some beef or what?"

Shut up.

They're so little, who cares?

And now, to present Kevin
with a very special gift from Compton,

California, American Icons,
Venus and Serena Williams.

Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

Forty-eight actually between us
and eight Olympic gold medals.

We have been called the GOATs
in our own right.

We have also been called
to do this tonight.

And we did say no three times.

But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

But our question remains,
what are you the GOAT of?

So what awards does Kevin have?
Is it an Oscar?

-No, no, no.
-Okay, Emmy, right?

-No.
-Grammy?

-No, actually that's our girl, Lizzo.
-Hey, Lizzo.

Hey.

I thought he said he had the EGOT.

He did, but as in,
he ain't got no awards.

Okay, okay. But you don't need
to have an award to be a GOAT.

You can be a GOAT of so many things.

Well, maybe he's a GOAT
of freestyle rapping.

No, I think that's Black Thought.

Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of football?

No, it's Tom Brady.
I heard he already left.

Honestly, I don't blame him.

I guess a G does have to stand
for "great,"

or it doesn't have to stand for great.

Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

You know, you don't have to be great.
You don't have to be great.

Maybe he's good.
Maybe he's the goodest of all time.

He's a good time.

He's definitely a good time.
Baby oil.

But seriously… …seriously,
Kevin, we got nothing but love.

-We love you.
-We love you so much.

And as you know in tennis,
love means nothing.

But since we didn't wanna leave you
with nothing again,

we brought you
the most coveted GOAT ring,

which we give
to the most honorable guest.

Here you go.

Oh my God. That's a ring for me?

It's a ring for you.
Come on up. Come up here.

-There you go.
-Oh, my God.

And if you don't want it, you can pawn it
two blocks from here, you know.

-Yes, okay.
-No, I want it.

Oh, and one more thing.
Can you sit down?

-Yeah, sorry.
-This is our moment.

Kevin Hart production wouldn't be complete
without this one man.

We will, we will rock you

We will, we will rock you

Finally!

Daddy's home.

Yes. We're gonna put
some kerosene on this bitch.

We're gonna burn this motherfucker down.

What's up, Inglewood?

My boy, Aaron Donald.

This is what you're doing in retirement.
That's fucked up.

You owe me a workout.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I know what JLo is thinking,
thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

Yes, I'm here.

Finally.

I've been waiting my entire life for this,
where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

-I could have fun.
-Whoo!

Whoo! Thank you.

And I could just talk shit.

The franchise Viagra is in the house.

Now this roast
can go hard all night long.

Buckle up, Netflix.

Tudum, motherfuckers.

Now, I know what you're all assuming
is that I'm here

to carry another
shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

But for once, that's not the case.

I'm actually here tonight
because someone needs

to chew up Kevin's food
and spit it in his mouth.

Isn't that right,
my little chocolate baby bird?

You laugh because it's true.

Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

None of you dudes,
you sons of bitches,

none of you have the right to talk shit
about Kevin and put him down.

None of you have the right to talk shit
about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

Only me.

I know every single guy on this dais

would piss themselves
if I took a punch.

I know one guy who would cum
if I choked him out.

Stop smiling, Jeff.

Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

-Good to see you, I love you too.
-Thank you.

You know where I come from,
we have a word for guys like you, fat.

How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now
in this fucking red outfit?

Jeff is so gross,

he's a sixty-year-old bachelor
who's never been married

and no one has ever even
suggested that he might be gay.

-You would fuck me?
-Yeah.

God, well I wouldn't fuck you,
so sit down and shut up.

And what the fuck
are you laughing at, Shane?

I'm gonna get him.

Shane, why?

'Cause I'm drunk
and you're gonna get it, that's it.

Shane, if you're here tonight,
then who's out in the woods

ass-raping canoers
until they squeal like a pig?

Oh, shut up, The Roots.

If you're gonna play the fucking song,
play it right, from Deliverance.

I don't know what the fuck
you just played.

He's like, no money.

All right, well,
fuck, that ain't my problem.

You know…

You know, Shane Gillis
and I actually worked out together once.

True story.
You're smiling because it's true.

It happened.

And he was throwing some weights
around and I was impressed.

You know, he was a fit guy.

But not as fit,
not as nearly fit as his mom.

No, true story.
That bitch had a six pack.

Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

You drink 'cause it's true.

And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

Whoo!

You look beautiful.

Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

Don't fuck with Chelsea.

Everyone's been here.
They come up talking shit about you.

That ain't easy to do. You hold your own.
You're just a boss lady up here.

I wanna come out here and I wanna
give Chelsea her flowers.

I just want to take a minute,
yes, I want to take a minute

to congratulate Chelsea because BET just

gave her poontang
a Lifetime Achievement Award.

It's true, right, Kevin?

Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

Chelsea recently said,
marriage is outdated.

But remember, Chelsea,
also outdated is dying alone.

Chelsea also said she can't be racist

because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

Which is like Tony
saying he can't be homophobic

because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

You look like, I'm gonna cook,
you look like a plantation owner

who makes his slaves perform musicals.

Draymond is in the house, my guy.

Wait a second, hey,
Draymond, that's your name, right?

That's my boy.
I was thinking about this, you know.

Of all the cool ass
Black names you could have,

that is the laziest fucking
Black name I've ever heard.

Because all you did was put a D
in front of Raymond.

Yeah. It's fucking dretarded.

And on top of all that,
your retarded name,

your team got bounced from the playoffs.

So I'm just saying,
'cause you're my boy and I love you,

maybe it's time to retire.

I'm sorry, to dretire.

And Pete Davidson, my boy,
you freaky little motherfucker.

We go way back, Pete.
Yes, we do.

You look like a white guy
doing blackface doing whiteface.

What the fuck?

How the fuck, I love you too.

And somehow you're still
the best-looking guy

on this dais until I showed up.
It's just me and you.

Shut up, Kevin.

And I wanna just take a moment
just to give a shout out,

give flowers to all the ladies up here
on this dais.

You all look
beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

You know who else looks sexy?

Kevin's wife, Eniko.

What the fuck?

What do you mean, what the fuck?
Just sit down.

I'm just giving her compliment.

-Okay, no, listen.
-No fucking listen.

What the fuck are you doing?

-It's my fucking wife.
-I know, I'm just giving her compliment.

-She looks beautiful and sexy.
-That's not how you said it.

You didn't say it like that
the first time.

How did I say it? What do you mean?

-You said it different the first time.
-I said she's sexy.

Don't fucking say it like that.

Don't do that.

-Don't fucking do that.
-Hold on, Chelsea.

Don't you think it's time
for your wife to have a real man?

What?

Don't you think it's time

for Eniko to be with somebody
that is bigger than her?

Yes.

I think my wife is real happy.

Let's ask her. Let's ask her.
See if she's happy.

-She doesn't look happy.
-I know my wife is fucking happy.

I don't know if she's happy.

Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre.

Honey, are you happy with me?

-One hundred percent.
-You know what she just said?

Would you be happier with The Rock?

Or any rock?

Yeah, did you hear what she just said?

She just said, fuck him.
That's what she just said.

-She didn't say that.
-She said, fuck you.

Okay, well listen,
I'm gonna tell you what.

Of all the awards tonight,
Chelsea's getting an award

for her poontang,
Lifetime Achievement Award.

Your wife, her poontang and awards,
she deserves an award, an Academy Award

for pretending she likes to fuck you.

-That's the thing.
-What the fuck was that?

Yes.

-You son of a bitch.
-And the award goes to.

You fuck stick.

You fuck stick.

Okay, listen, all right,
I'm not gonna do that,

I won't do that.

Hey, Eniko.

I'm just gonna say, how about later
on tonight, you and I together,

we'll open up a bottle of tequila
and we…

Stop squirming, Kevin,
don't look at me like that.

A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

-Grand Cormino.
-You and The Rock.

You'll throw up with that,
as you usually do, listen.

You want Teremana,
you want the good shit,

you want The Rock, the good shit.
Listen, they know.

All right, but as you know,

we'll let you watch
like we always do, okay?

Hey, it's just jokes from the corner
of the room, strapped tight

in your cuck high chair.

Listen.

I'm not a sick fuck.

All right. Well, you guys can Google
what that means later.

Listen. Here's the thing.

I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

I totally get it.
I know. Well, I'll tell you why.

He's the same size
and color as their favorite dildo.

And the little motherfucker
is twice as loud.

You know, ladies and gentlemen…
You laugh because it's true.

But you know…

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kevin and I actually have,

we have many things in common.

It's why the guy's my best friend
and something else we have

in common is, yeah, we do.

And I love the guy and we also have this
in common is recently,

both of our dads died.

-It's true.
-It's true.

And I thought, well,

maybe I shouldn't bring this up
because it's heavy, but I thought,

it is something that bonds us.

And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

As many of you may know, my old man,

he came here to the Forum
back in the '70s.

My dad, he was
the "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson.

He was a bad dude in the game.

Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

He was tall and strong and big.
And where's he at?

No, that's not him. Where's he at?

Somewhere.

He's somewhere,
he looked like a superhero.

Where is my dad?

They put him out there.
He's out there, okay, good.

Can you guys see my old man?

Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

He was a fucking tank, you know?

Now, whereas Kevin's dad.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What the fuck was that, man?

You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

-There's a better picture of my dad.
-Okay, okay.

No, I just wanted to show
both our dads showing their chest

and what their bodies look like.
Okay, look, you are right.

Come on, guys.

There's a bitter picture of Kevin's dad.

That's right.

Whoever released
these pictures are fired.

You're fucking fired.

Son of a bitch.

There he is.
That is a legit mugshot of Kevin's dad.

And as we all know,

I met Kevin's dad.

And as we all know,
you know, Kevin's dad,

Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

Yeah.

And he loved the crack.

And that was before he even met Kevin.

You know, Kevin realized that the only way
to win his dad's love was

if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

And Kevin, just like your dad,

it's wild how much you need the rock.

Oh, Kevin.

It's good.

Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

My little crack baby, Kevin.

You know, your dad, true story,
his dad even named Kevin after crack.

Yes, because he legitimately
thought it was spelled with a K.

True story.
And what's the medical term for that?

Oh, fucking idiot. Yes.

Now, I know, you're sweating and crying.
I know, I know you well.

I know our dads right now are
looking down on us from the clouds

and I hope they're proud.

I think they are.

You know, I know your dad has
to look a little harder

because you're a fucking dwarf.

But, but…

-I love you brother.
-I love you too. Thank you.

I know you love me too.
I love you, yes, I do.

I really do.

And just to prove it, just last week
I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

Yeah, life size too.

Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

-Get the fuck out of here.
-Okay, okay, okay.

-Stop it, man.
-Okay, no problem, no.

-Eniko, I'll show you later.
-Hey, what the fuck?

-I'm sorry.
-What the fuck are you doing, man?

I'm sorry, listen.

-What the fuck is that?
-Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's my fucking wife, man.

I'm kidding,
she's already seen it. Listen.

-What the fuck is happening?
-I'm joking.

-The fuck are you doing, man?
-It's jokes.

It's my fucking wife, man.

Mwah! She's the best. I'm kidding, okay.

But in all seriousness,
I would like to make a toast to you.

Can I make a toast to Kevin?

-Yes. Yes.
-My brother?

-All right.
-Yes.

Let's do it, let's do it.
Here, I'll pour myself one.

-You pour yourself one.
-Yeah.

-You pour the Grand Cormino.
-Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

-Okay.
-I'll pour the Teremana.

Why would you say
that about my fucking wife?

I'm gonna talk to you later.

I'll talk to you fucking later.

But you're the one
who said, "Hey, listen,

fucking say anything you want."

No, have a good time,
but what the fuck was that?

-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Come on, let's take a toast.

Okay, let's take a toast. You know what,
here, let me sit down.

-Yeah, go, you sit down.
-Let me sit down.

No, you sit down, let me sit down.

-Come on.
-All right.

Um… Hey, listen.

-Before the toast comes, it's only right.
-Yeah.

Come sit on my knee.

Yes. No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

-What the fuck are you talking about?
-No, what do you mean, "Don't"?

-Shut up, Shane.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-Sit on my knee.
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

We're gonna show brotherly love.

-You're gonna sit on my knee.
-No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

-Do it! Do it!
-I'm not sitting on your fucking knee.

-Everyone wants you to sit down.
-Chelsea.

-I know you're gonna fucking do it.
-Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

-Yes, yes.
-No.

-No. Shane.
-Yes.

Katt Williams would be right.
Katt Williams would be right.

Shane, no.

-Don't let Katt win.
-Do you wanna see Kevin Hart

sit on my knee?

There you go.

-Okay.
-Sit on my knee.

I got a-- I got a better question.

Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

Because I'm not fucking doing it!

-No, man.
-Come on.

-No, fuck you, man.
-I-- I-- I really mean this.

-No, I mean this, man. Fuck you.
-Okay, well-- well, get close.

All right, I'll sit right here.
I'll sit on this.

-All right, come on.
-Okay.

-Come on.
-All right.

-To brotherhood, to friendship.
-Absolutely.

And I-- I am always in your corner.

-Fucking love you.
-And I love you, man.

-I love you more, man.
-I love you, too.

Love you more. It's my brother, man.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's not for you.
That's good shit. Let me try this.

That's good shit, too.

Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Get a good latch.

What?

My titties ain't sucking themselves,
now you get down here

-and you suck on this tit.
-Hey, man--

Come on, get up,
get up, sit down, sit down.

Get the fuck off me,
what is your fucking issue?

Do you wanna see Kevin
latch onto this nipple?

Okay, all right,
okay, all right, that's it.

-They do. Sit down.
-That's it. Get the fuck out of here.

-What do you mean--
-Get the fuck out of here!

-They ain't sucking themselves.
-That's it. Fuck you, man.

-Get d--
-Fuck you!

-Get d--
-No, I'm not doing shit.

Oh, now you don't want
to do it because it's a live crowd?

-I don't want to do it because I'm--
-Oh, now you don't want to do it.

-I've never sucked your fucking titties.
-You have. What do you mean?

Fuck you, DJ.

Oh, now you've never
cradled my balls either?

You know what? Okay. All right. That's it.

-All right. That's it. That's it.
-Okay, fine, all right.

-You're done. You're fucking done.
-Fuck this.

-Wrap it up.
-Sit down.

-Wrap it up.
-Sit the fuck down.

Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

Now you don't want to suck it.

-Okay, fine.
-Fucking… bald--

-That's all right.
-Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

That's all right, that's all right.

Jesus Christ.

Eniko, you know what's coming tonight.

-Okay, that's it.
-Okay, all right.

Just a little this, this,
this, this, this, this all night.

Listen, all right.

Jesus.

You know…

This is why my jaws always hurt
from hanging out with you--

-What the fuck does that mean?
-No, no, no. No, no. I meant--

-What the fuck are you saying, man?
-You know what I meant.

I meant 'cause I laugh so fucking hard
with this guy.

-That's what I meant. All right?
-Okay, well say that first.

Jesus.

All right, the time has finally arrived.

Just one more thing for him to suck at.

Clearly won't be my areola tonight,
but ladies and gentlemen,

it is my honor
to introduce my friend,

my brother, the one we are
all here to celebrate here tonight

and everywhere around the world
watching live on Netflix.

I love you, I'm fucking proud of you,
and I will always have your back.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

Regardless, but this ain't no Kevin
I'm heartless

Bitch, I'm the biggest, the largest

Been stepping on cheese
Since my mama lived in an apartment

Wow.

But this ain't no Kevin, I'm heartless

Um…

You know, the-- the rebuttal--
the rebuttal that I have in store,

I don't think is, uh… is podium friendly.

So y'all can get the podium the fuck
out the way.

Let's-- Let's lower
the fucking podium. Um…

We heard a lot of shit tonight.

We heard a lot of shit tonight
and like I told everybody on this day is,

I said, "I want you
to go as hard as you want

because I get the mic last."

And unlike other roasts,

what they've never had is
a polished fucking comedian

as such go last.

So what I wanna do,

I wanna make you guys understand, like,

you basically have told me
you want a real nigga tonight.

You want a real nigga here.

So you're gonna get a real nigga.

A real nigga is what you want,
then a real nigga is what you will get.

Okay?

You want a real nigga response?

Then I'm gonna
give you a real nigga response.

At this point, I wanna take the moment
just to talk to my sponsors,

my business partners,
my brand partnerships,

and I'm gonna tell you,
for the next 15 minutes,

put a pause on our relationships,

because what I'm about
to do is not business friendly.

I'm going to be raw.

And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

I'm talking raw
like the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

Uh…

There's no skin there.
There's no skin at all.

Raw, like the dick
that Chelsea Handler takes.

We're gonna go raw tonight.

Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole
when Joe Rogan finishes.

We're gonna go raw.

In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

Give me my bitch, please.

Yeah.

Do me a favor, cock it again.
Let me make sure it's loaded.

One more time.

Yeah, because I'm about

to take shots, okay?

Boy, oh boy.

We're going to start with Dwayne,
my friend the Rock.

Fuck, man.

He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

I didn't know he was going to be here,
he came.

And it's crazy because that's my friend.
Like, we're really close.

And, you know, a lot
of people have said bad things

about Dwayne,
and I've taken up for them.

A lot of people have said
that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

I'm the one that said he's not on Ozempic.

That's not Ozempic.

I'm here to tell you guys tonight
that what you're looking at…

is full-blown AIDS, okay?

That's AIDS.
Hit him in the head one time.

Yeah,

we're gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

I'm not talking about the good stuff,
not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

What you're looking at is Tom Hanks
in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

The-- The-- Yeah, the AIDS--

The AIDS that
takes your body weight like that,

that gives you a drastic change
over-fucking-night.

Fuck him. Do me a favor.

Hit him in the head one more time.

Yeah!

I'm gonna fucking shoot the fuck
out of you all night, DJ.

No, it's not enough.

No, it's not, because you're starting
to look weird.

It's starting to look bad.
You look like a--

You look like a ninja turtle
with no shell.

You look like a fucking…

Yeah! Shoot him again!

Yeah!

Fuck him!

You know, I've been talking to Sony.

I told Sony
that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now

because I don't know if we have
much time left with DJ.

He could die soon.

I'm not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

Close friends we are, man.

We used to teach
each other a lot of things.

Like, honestly, DJ told me how
to do movie stunts.

I know how to do movie stunts
because of him, right?

I told him things in return.

I taught him how to sound out words.

"Sound it out."

"Sound it out."

I taught him how
to point at images of fruit

so we could know what he wanted
to eat on set.

"Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes."

That's a caveman joke.

Shane, I bet you thought it was
a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

I know you did.

You know, listen to this, man.

You know, most people
don't know the things

that I know about DJ, man.
The Rock is half Black.

I know it was mentioned tonight.

Uh, he is. He's half Black.

And a lot
of people don't really know that.

Nobody else knows that.

You know who else doesn't know that?

Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

He's half Black and half Samoan.

You know what I wish?

I wish he would do some more Black shit.

That's what I do.

I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

All this barefoot hula hoopin' shit.

All this hukule,
hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

Don't nobody wanna see your big ass
with no fuckin' grass dress on,

hukulein' all fuckin' day.

Put on some Air Force Ones,
nigga, I'm sick of seein' it.

I'ma-- I'ma take you down one by one.

Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

Show him some love.

Seriously, what a good set.

What a good set.

I'll be honest with you guys,
Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away

from calling me
a "nigger" on this stage tonight.

One Bud Light.

"Nigger!" He wanted to say it.

Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

He is.

My Mount Rushmore of racism,

like when it comes to hating
Black people, Shane Gillis,

Kid Rock,

Hulk Hogan,

Stephen A. Smith.
Those are my four people…

…when it comes to hating Black people.

Shane Gillis is what happens
when you let those people

on Love on the Spectrum fuck.

That's what happens.

They make one of those.

Don't let them people fuck.

You gonna get another Shane Gillis.

Shane is what happens when
you give a Down syndrome baby

human growth hormone.
That's what happens.

Don't rush the process.

Shane is autistic.

Shane is autistic,
and Chelsea is a whore.

Um…

They both love trains,
but for different reasons.

Hit him! Hit him! Yeah!

Fuck!

This is a good time for me to talk
to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

Cash back with every purchase
you get with us.

Uh…

Everybody's been
getting on my girl Chelsea

all night for being a whore.

Everybody, stop.

Chelsea isn't just a whore.

She's also old. Chelsea's old.

You know what you need?

You need lube to slide into Chelsea's DMs.

You're right, Rock, you're right.

Her pussy-- Her pussy was recognized.

She did get that BET award.

Um, only-- You only get that award though,

you only get that award
if you fuck 50 Cent, and that's a fact.

I'm sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

Nope, is if you fuck 50 niggas.

You get that award
if you fuck 50 niggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

That's my bad.

Draymond Green's here.

Hey, Draymond.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Draymond's only here
because he's not in the playoffs.

That's the only reason why he's here.

Hit him!

Yeah, head shot.
Fuck you, Draymond.

Everybody attacked
my fucking sisters tonight.

A lot of Black women on this stage.

Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

Teyana came out here.

What I'm not gonna do is be a Black man
and talk about my fucking sisters

on this stage live on Netflix

in front of millions
of fucking people, not me.

I'm not gonna give you that.

I'm not gonna give these crackers
that luxury.

Y'all don't know what these women
have been through.

None of these women have a fucking man.

None of them. None of them.

None of them.

They're home alone at night

in their giant mansions,

eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets,
watching TV.

I'm not gonna stand here
in front of all these fucking white people

and disrespect these lonely bitches.

I wanna thank my sisters for coming.
I love you, Jean.

I love you. I love you, Lizzo.
I love you, Sheryl.

We got a spades game every Tuesday.

Boy, oh boy, y'all got Katt Williams
to come out here, huh?

Katt Williams.

Katt Williams came out here.

You know, this is the time to,
like, really make everybody realize.

Everybody has said tonight
that I can't act.

"Kevin cannot act."

What I want you to do is go back

and look at that moment where I shook
Katt's hand and I looked him in the eye

and I said,
"I just want us to be friends."

Some of the best fucking acting
that I've ever did in my career.

I did not mean one word of what I said.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar.
He's a liar!

Y'all been believing
that little nigga's shit for years.

Katt has lied on me about so much shit.
It's ridiculous, man.

Y'all only believe it
because he uses words

that you haven't heard in a long time.

Words like "restaurant" or "amenities,"
shit like that.

Katt said that I went to Diddy parties.
"Kev-- Kev been to Diddy parties."

"Kev always goes to Diddy parties."
I ain't been to no fucking Diddy parties.

I went to one party,
and this is the truth,

I went to one fucking party.

I went to one fucking party, okay?

And the only reason why
that little nigga know I was there

is 'cause he was there.
Katt was at the same fucking party.

I saw him, he saw me.

He said… Fuck you, nigga, tell the truth.

Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

We was at the same fucking party.

I ain't no snitch, I ain't no snitch,
but a lot of people was there.

Shaq was there, Usher was there.

Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there,
he was DJing.

The Roots were there.

Y'all didn't do nothing,
but I saw y'all too.

He's a fucking liar!

Stop believing this nigga lies!

Katt told y'all he read
3,000 books a year.

He said that. He said,
"I read 3,000 books a year."

All right, well, let's unpack it.

Let's talk about the books
that you didn't fucking read.

That's what I want to talk about.
What are the books that you didn't read?

I'll tell you what it was.

He obviously didn't read
his probation paperwork.

I'll tell you that.
That nigga didn't read that.

He didn't read, he didn't…

He didn't read--
He didn't read the room

when that little 12-year-old
choked him the fuck out.

I'll tell you that.

I don't give a fuck how bad
things get in my life.

I ain't never been choked out
by no fucking kid.

You know it's bad when you start
asking people where his parents at.

"Whose kid is this?"

I don't know nigga, you lost.
You fucking lost.

"Why was he there?"

Katt Williams came out here
in a goddamn cape.

I've never seen Katt in a regular suit,
not one time.

I've never seen it.

Only time I've seen him
in a suit was a lawsuit.

That's the only time I've seen Katt
in a fucking suit.

A double-breasted lawsuit.
That nigga got a bunch of cases.

Katt said tonight that I took
all his movies that he turned down.

He said that. He fucking said that.

You sat there and laughed at it.
"Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!"

This must be the fucking truth.
All right, well, let's unpack it.

Let's unpack it.

Katt said, I turned down all his roles.
Okay, well, let's talk about it, Katt.

So you're telling me-- you're telling me
that you turned down

Jumanji 1, 2, 3,
Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence,

Think Like a Man 1, 2,
The Upside, About Last Night,

40-Year-Old Virgin, High School,
Night School, Me Time,

Borderlands, Man from Toronto,

all…

…so you could do a cameo in Norbit?

Is that what the fuck
you're telling me, Katt?

Katt, you can't be in my fucking movies.

You think they want
a fucking pimp in Jumanji?

Is that what the fuck you think we need?

Ain't no hoes in Jumanji.
What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji?

Hey bitch, get out the tree.

What the fuck? We don't need that.

The fuck are you doing?

It's the big leagues up here.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I gotta stop on Katt because it's not good
for all these white people

to see two Black people fighting.

Two little niggas fighting.

We're too small
to have the beef that we had.

So, Katt, it's over.

The beef is over between me and Katt.

And on a serious note, I love the fact

that that man showed up tonight
and he showed out.

Katt showed the fuck out.

I love that. I love that he shined, man.

I love that we were able
to look each other in the eyes,

shake each other's hands.

And I meant what I said. I did.

I really did.
I meant what the fuck I said, man.

That beef is over.

Me and Kat are friends
from today moving forward, okay?

We're friends from today moving forward.

I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

Are your feet swelled up? You okay?

-They are, but it's okay.
-You want a Snickers? All right.

Uh, Pete Davidson is here,
ladies and gentlemen.

Pete Davidson is here.

Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you
is bad because I like you.

Me and you actually get along,
so it's tough to roast you.

I don't really have a roast.
I just have questions.

It's not even a question.

It's like, "Oh, I'm happy
to see Pete outside."

You never see Pete during the daytime.
Pete is weird.

Scared of the sunlight.

I feel like Pete wants to be Black,
but he don't want to say it.

He does. He's done a lot of Black shit.

Pete, let's see, let's break it down.

He's got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

He dated Kim Kardashian.

He grew up without knowing his father.

I mean, Pete,
if you wanna be Black so bad,

just fuck Chelsea Handler
and don't call her in the morning.

You can-- You can get away with it, Pete.

Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks.

You fuck, Pete.

Fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

Edit that out, what Pete just said.

I want to go to Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem,

that couldn't sit through the show.

Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um…

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer.

I think the cancer just left. I do.

I also-- I also think
Jeff looked better with cancer.

I don't think-- I think he looks worse
without the cancer.

This is the one time
where I would ask somebody,

can you get the cancer back?

Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony, what a set tonight.

Tony, you fuckin' crushed tonight.

Everybody thinks Tony's gay, too.

Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony.
Tony's not gay.

Tony is not gay!

Tony just likes suckin' dick.

It's a big difference.

I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

That's proof that Joe Rogan
likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

Tony's really not gay, though, man.

Like, he just fuck--
Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

Out the corner of my eye,
it looked like the Kool-Aid man

just came out the set.

Jesus Christ.

-I mean, what the fuck was that?
-I love it.

The fact that you thought you were
sneaking just now, Jeff.

I've never heard leather pants
make more noise in my life.

Fuck.

I just don't know
where Jeff is getting the money

to fucking do the things he does.

Like, I really don't.
Jeff, zip the jacket up.

Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

Je--

Jeff looks like an insect
that you study in biology.

"So what did you-- So I got a what?"

"The heart is where?"

At this time, I just want to say,
I'm sorry, Walmart,

you're doing amazing things,
rolling back prices.

Keep it going.

You know, guys, in this night,
I wanna say some people have shined.

Honestly.

Na’im, I'm so proud of you, brother.

You came up here, you did what
the fuck you was supposed to do.

And I just wanna say that I'm extremely…
I'm extremely richer

than everybody that you see
on this stage.

And my biggest fear is waking up one day

with any of these bitches' bank accounts.

I don't know how I would live.

I don't know how I would survive.
My kids, what would we do?

I mean, DJ, you got money,
but after you have to spend it

on the AIDS medicine, I just don't
know how much you'll have left.

You guys wanted
the real nigga up here tonight,

and that's exactly what you got.

So I'm gonna leave this stage
in true real nigga fashion.

That's by showing off.

I want to give a shout
out to all my partners,

all of my ecosystem,

the people that make
the world of Kevin Hart go around.

Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

C4 Energy, I love you.

DraftKings, Fabletics,
Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat,

JPMorgan Chase, Michelob,
NBC Universal, Qatar Airways,

SharkNinja, SiriusXM,
Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon,

Vita Hustle, and of course,
my partners here at Netflix.

These are words that you will never say
because you guys are losers.

See, guys, I'm just
a little kid from Philadelphia,

and I prayed for nights like this.

And what I want you guys to know is this.

If I don't celebrate myself,
then who else will?

At the end of the day,
I'm proud of myself.

And what you've been smelling all night
is me because I'm the shit.

And at the end of the day,
I'm him, and he is me,

and together we make we.

Philadelphia, you should stand up.

Happy Mother's Day.

Eniko, I love you.

And motherfucker, I'm off. Let's go!

I say, hold on, wait a minute.

Y'all thought I was finished?

When I bought that Aston Martin
Y'all thought it was rented?

Flexin' on these niggas
I'm like Popeye on his…

Double M, yeah, that's my team,
Rozay the captain, I'm lieu--

I'm the type to count a million cash
Then grind like I'm broke

That Lambo, my new bitch
She don't ride like my…

I'm ridin' around my city
With my hand strapped to my toes

'Cause these niggas want me dead
And I gotta make it back

'Cause my mama need that bill money
My son need some

These niggas tryna take my life
They fuck around, get…

You fuck around, you fuck around
You fuck around, get smoked

'Cause these Philly niggas
I brought with me don't fuck around

All I know is murder
When it come to me

I got young niggas that's rollin'
I got niggas throwin'

I done did the DOA's,
I done did the KOD's

Every time I'm in that bitch
I get to…

But now I'm hangin' out that drop head
I'm ridin' down on Collins

They let my nigga Ern back home
That young nigga be wildin'

We young niggas, we mobbin'
Like Batman and we're…

In this two-door Maybach
With my seat all reclinin'

I say, "Real nigga, what up?
Real nigga, what up?"

If you ain't about that murder game,
then pussy nigga, shut up

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

'Cause my mama need that bill money
My son need some milk

These niggas want me dead
But they fuck around, get killed

You fuck around, you--

You gonna remember me

They gon' remember me

So much money
Have yo' friends turn in yo' enemies

And when there's beef
I turn my enemies to--

With them bricks they go for 40
Ain't no 10 a key

Hold up, broke nigga turned rich
Love the game like Mitch

And if I leave, you think them pretty
Hoes gon' still suck my…

It was somethin' about that Rollie
When it first touched that…

Had me feelin' like that dope boy
When he first touched that brick

I'm gone

Philadelphia.

Stand up!

Meek Mill! The Roots!

Shane Gillis!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

Bitch! I'm Kevin Hart,

and you will remember me. I'm gone.