Original subtitles

QUENTIN: Previously on The Magicians...

We summoned some kind of killer mothman from another world.

My friends, we got separated,

and I just... I can't let them fight The Beast on their own.

JULIA: You want me to come to Fillory with you?

All right, so there might be a solution here, a weapon.

It sounds like if we could find it,

we could use it to kill The Beast.

Payment is due.

Apparently, marriage here is different.

I can never leave Fillory.

I have gifted you my bestowal.

When you are ready to face The Beast, imbibe it.

We followed all the clues.

We thought that she was leading us to her, we summoned her.

You know, I actually believed Our Lady Underground chose me.

REYNARD: You may address me as Reynard the Fox,

trickster of the faithful, the pure of heart,

the very stupid.

(MOANING)

Hi, Martin.

(CHOKING)

(SHRIEKS)

Wait. You know how to deal with gods.

You know how to fuck up their shit.

No.

I wanna make a deal. Let's.

(PENNY GROANING AND PANTING)

(PANTING)

Help!

Somebody!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

There has got to be someone in this

motherfuckin', goddamn magical forest.

Hungry, I assume?

After all that being chased?

No, um, I'm not being chased. Oh.

Usually they're being chased.

That I know of, no.

But you do need some kind of help.

Uh, it's just where I come from, there's a legend

about a witch with a cottage made of candy.

Well, the cottage is mostly wood.

And I'm more of a healer and gardening enthusiast.

Okay. I need your help.

And you're offering...

Offering, I'm...

Gold is always good.

You would be helping the next High King of Fillory.

Okay.

Then my discount rate. One vial.

Vial of what?

Were you dropped on your head as a child? Your blood, dumb-dumb.

(GASPS) Oh, there you are.

We were so worried!

You're a...

God-powered.

So it's a little hard to kill me at the moment.

(SCREAMING)

Thank God.

I mean, you know... Thank God, Alice.

(BOTH GASP)

I hesitated with The Beast. I should've... It's... It's my fault.

No, it's not.

No, he's right. It's Julia's fault.

No! Guys! She was... She's not sane.

You think?

One small consolation is the bitch is with The Beast right now,

and I can't really see that going her way.

No. I... I'll explain in a second. Um...

Can I have my blood back please? (CHUCKLES)

Look, my friends. They're fine. I don't need your...

No.

I took an hour out of my night.

You're in Fillory, Magician. Be careful with strangers.

We only look whimsical.

Who was that?

Uh, a local.

MARGO: Okay, fuckers, huddle up.

A zillion bucks says The Beast comes back any minute.

So what's the plan?

We lost the blade. So we need a new something.

Um, especially while Alice is still...

Juiced up? ELIOT: We should all juice up.

Like The Beast.

Wellspring smoothies, stat.

Ahh!

Shit.

Look, there's the missing piece right there.

Oh, hey, I think I, uh... Yeah.

Gah ! This is going great.

ALICE: Let me try.

Wow, swallowin' has its privileges.

(CLICKING, WHIRRING)

ALICE: Wow, it looks like...

ELIOT: A major drought's hit.

There's a bucket.

(RUMBLING)

Oh, shit.

I knew The Beast came here every day, but is it...

But is it even possible for him

to drain the Wellspring that much?

Maybe he threw something out of whack.

I vote we don't touch it,

on the grounds that exploding Fillory wouldn't help.

Okay. We need a new plan.

MARGO: What plan?

The Beast is gone, our squad is a joke, what plan, exactly?

We'll figure it out, we always do.

When it's a final to cheat on,

not when we're stuck in some epic fantasy

that likes to behead its heroes halfway through season one.

If we even are heroes.

We might be comic relief.

I thought you threw that out.

It's for emergencies. Pass it around.

Okay. No Wellspring, no knife.

I have no idea what to do now.

So we are fucked without grease.

That sounds like us.

Must be a Monday.

Onward to glory.

(LAUGHING)

Ah. Much better.

JULIA: Why are, are we...

Oh, the food is tremendous. Let's sit.

Are you familiar?

Word As Bond.

I assume the extra bits enchant the blade

to kill me instantly in the event I break it, eh?

Okay. Here's the deal...

You need to kill a god.

Thrilling.

So you need to get near him. Tricky.

Yes. But you can help.

Hmm.

His name is Reynard the Fox.

A trickster of some sort, yes?

Oh. That will be a challenge.

Well, you don't really have much choice, do you?

Oh, well aware, you have that stylish little blade.

I sure do.

Yes.

That reminds me to insist the terms of our deal

include said blade reverting to me

at the moment of Reynard's demise.

Agreed?

Almost.

First, for the duration of our agreement,

you do not hurt or act against me in any way.

Mmm, fine.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Quentin, all of them.

You lay a finger,

this will put this in the base of your skull.

You're not what I expected.

Once Reynard is dead,

I put the knife down. Yours to take.

MARGO: So this Reynard's still out there?

As far as she knows.

Yeah, it's why she needed the knife, and why she needs The Beast.

ELIOT: Okay, I get it now,

but I also have to say that is the dumbest thing

she could possibly have done.

Like I said, she's not sane right now. I wouldn't be.

ELIOT: So what are we supposed to do?

Kill The Beast.

He's right. I know, it's awful.

But she chose to double-cross us.

Look, I'm pissed, too, but I would like to point out...

Okay, we don't have to take a vote right this second.

Penny's right. First things first.

We need to make a plan to deal with The Beast.

Eliot! I thought for sure you...

Yeah. Me, too. Not yet.

Are you... Are you all right?

Um, I'll get everyone something to eat.

That'd be amazing.

I think I like her.

I hope I like her.

Um, okay. This might be something. Um...

(STAMMERING) So, there's a place called the Armory.

Weapons?

Books.

Uh, so, Rupert Chatwin...

He realizes that back home World War ll is still raging.

And he tells Jane and Martin that he is going.

He is going to go fight.

Before he does,

he spends all night in the Armory, reading.

And, you know, like, whatever he finds, it doesn't say,

but his next move is to petition Ember and Umber, for strength.

I mean, what if he found something.

What if he found a spell or a piece of,

I don't know, Fillorian battle magic,

that was so strong that he couldn't do it without...

Without juice. Yeah.

Because the thing is, this is December, 1944.

I mean, he shows up right in the middle of the...

ALICE: Battle of the Bulge?

Wait, are you saying that Rupert's secretly...

I'm saying... (SIGHS)

Maybe he found something powerful enough to help.

...him win World War ll?

Maybe.

Well, then I need the Armory. Where is it?

Castle Whitespire. Accessible to the King.

Oh.

Hey.

And if we can find the road,

there's, um, a carriage that runs in a continuous circle,

also at the disposal of the King. So...

Okay. Whitespire it is.

Come on, everybody, grab snacks.

Yeah. About that. My hands are in a fucking box.

So, Chatwin's Torrent.

I know that one. It's a healing river.

PENNY: Can it reattach hands?

Maybe?

I'm going. I'll catch you on the flip.

Wait, no. I don't think you should be going alone.

MARGO: I'll go.

Um, healing water.

We're going to battle. I'll grab like a gallon.

You're wiping your own ass. So figure that out.

Souvenir?

Barometer.

I thought I should pay attention to see if it gets warm.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Oh. Hey, guys.

Hey! Over here!

Oh, my God. Those horses are so beautiful.

Ah. Hey, what are you doing?

I just really love horses.

Come on.

You have got to be kidding me.

I know, those horses were so rude.

I guess they're a tad literal. ELIOT: Yeah.

I'd call needing to see an actual crown on my head

is pretty goddamn literal.

Look, it's not just about the carriage.

They're not gonna let us into Whitespire

until you've been crowned High King. So.

So, we need to get you crowned.

Uh...

Okay, yeah.

Um, so, there's a specific coronation place in the forest.

There are four kings and queens.

Yeah, you get to pick the other three.

Do I get to be a king?

Unless you want me to pick Penny?

(ELIOT SNICKERS) So, okay.

So we get to the coronation spot

by crossing the Rainbow Bridge.

"Rainbow Bridge"? Like, where family pets go when they die?

No, I mean, not that I know of.

No, it's called that because of the flowers that are everywhere.

Oh.

Um, but there is, of course, no map.

But I know Martin found it with a spell.

Well, we could always just ask around.

Or we could make like Martin.

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

He loves me. Let's go.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SIZZLING)

(MOUTHING WORDS)

(LAUGHS)

Uh, please know I heard every loophole.

"Puts the knife down."

(LAUGHING) You really think you have a fighting chance?

I think I'm gonna give it my best.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Nice of Reynard to pull so many hearts out of chests.

It's distinctive.

Why do you suppose he does that?

He likes the taste.

Mm.

Brilliant, that's a laptop.

The things they come up with when they don't have magic.

JULIA: Yeah.

Like accounts that tweet police scanner activity.

"Tweet"?

Birds have computer accounts?

Don't worry about it.

Mmm.

Wait a minute.

They found five bodies at a house in Florida.

Missing a couple of hearts.

(SIRENS BLARING)

(SIGHS) Okay. Just try to keep people away for a minute.

Nicely. Mmm-hmm.

Hey. This seat taken?

(DOOR OPENING) Excuse me, sir, this is...

Won't be but a moment.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

He's still in Richard's body.

MARTIN: Richard doesn't care, darling.

I fucking do.

Also, I guess we came for not much.

On the contrary. We've verified what attracts Reynard.

What? Witches doing rituals?

I mean, that's thousands of people every day.

Not this type of ritual.

Come on.

PENNY: So, what do I do?

MARGO: Well, per the books, you strip and jump in, I guess.

Here, I'll help you.

You'll need to help him sew those back on his wrists.

Who are you?

I watch the river and assist those who require its magic.

This guy is fuckin' weird.

MAN: Go on.

Right. Go, go.

(GASPS)

You know, you're very beautiful.

Where're you from? Hmm?

Earth? I love women from Earth.

Is it supposed to take this long?

MAN: No.

He may have drowned.

Are you kiddin'? Why didn't you...

(GASPS) MAN: There we go.

Are you sure I can't interest you in an elixir?

It's small-batch, and very fresh.

No, thank you.

I have a tooth powder that I think you are going to love.

You know what? We're kind of in a hurry.

I understand. As you wish. Pleasure to serve.

I think he wants a tip.

Twenty gold pieces is customary.

Okay, that sounds like a lot.

Well, this is Chatwin's Torrent.

PENNY: We don't have...

There was nothing about charging in the books.

Oh, you'd rather pay in labor? I think three to five years...

Are you fucking kidding me?

You said none of this before I went in the river.

Because I have manners.

Are you even officially affiliated with the Torrent?

Penny, chill out.

It's kind of an amateur calling.

PENNY: Oh, I see, yes, yes, you're a con man.

No. Penny...

No! I know his type!

I've been ripped off plenty of times

by smiling little snake oil pricks like this dude.

Yes, all right.

Same in Detroit, same in Mumbai, same in Fillory.

Okay.

Sorry, try it on the next sap who needs

this natural resource on public property.

Good luck.

I'm sorry. He gets touchy.

It's... It's not personal.

Um...

These are diamond.

What the hell is diamond?

Here.

When you meet one scammer, you've met 'em all. Let's go.

Okay.

Okay, so this net... This net you throw.

Okay, so this net... This net you throw.

What sort of a net catches a god?

Well, it's an obscure bit of casting, but I assure you it works.

We'll just have to act fast when the time comes.

It'll hold for a few seconds.

So... (TEARING PAPER)

I need a few items.

Okay, it might be better for me to go alone for some of this.

Uh, can you drop me at the playground?

I like to watch the little children play. It's perfectly innocent.

(HUMMING)

El, we got your note! Let's do this!

I call High Queen.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, did it work?

Perfect. Lead the way.

(BRANCH SNAPS)

It's fine. They're just healing.

(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

ELIOT: Do you think he's sleeping? Or dead?

I don't know. Should we just go into the trunk?

Oh, pussies.

MARGO: He looks dead.

QUENTIN: I guess we're late.

(COUGHING)

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

(GRUNTING)

I am the Knight of Crowns.

My apologies, I seem to have died waiting for you aspirants to come.

(STAMMERING) You are aspirants?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm the High King of Fillory. I took a blood test.

Excellent. Excellent. It's an honor.

Can we have the crowns please?

Certainly. Honored to oblige.

Just as soon as you pass the test.

(SIGHS) Of course there's a test.

As you know,

only a Child of Earth can wear the crown of the High King.

I will ask you a series of questions,

designed to root out all pretenders to the throne.

Only a true High King will hold the answers in his heart.

(SIGHING)

Come at me.

What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?

What the fuck?

He was on a lot of TV shows.

There is only one correct answer.

Okay, give me the next question.

This hit single is performed

by offspring of famous entertainers.

Dude, that is crazy vague.

You will receive a single hint.

Your hint is, "Beach Boys."

BOTH: Hold On by Wilson Phillips.

That song is my jam.

Wait, all these questions are from the '90s.

(STAMMERING) It's not the 1990s on Earth right now?

No, it, it's 2017. And it's Wings.

The Tim Daly show was Wings.

Of course you know that.

ELIOT: Okay, '90s?

Ask me something about Patrick Swayze.

You know of Swayze?

Oh, jeez.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SIGHS)

"Sorry about the disruption, folks,

"but I always do the last dance of the season.

"This year somebody told me not to.

"So I'm gonna do my kind of dancin' with a great partner,

"who's not only a terrific dancer.

"Somebody who's taught me

"that there are people out there

"willing to stand up for other people,

"no matter what it costs them.

"Somebody who's taught me about the kind of person I wanna be.

"Miss Frances Houseman."

Oh...

Your Majesty.

The crowns of Fillory are yours.

(LATCH OPENING)

So, I guess we just put 'em on?

No! God ! Stop!

(STUTTERING) I mean, I just think we should do a ceremony.

This is only gonna happen once.

We are becoming kings and queens.

So it's important and we should honor it.

Just, give me that.

Kneel, Eliot Waugh.

Would you just do it? It's gonna be quick, I promise.

So, destiny is... It's bullshit.

But you are a High King in your blood,

and somehow that makes sense. You know?

And I just...

For what it's worth, I think that you are going to be

a really good king.

Um...

So, um, I dub thee...

Um...

I don't know, would you say you're, like, more brave or merciful?

I'd say I'm neither.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

But I still plan to be a spectacular monarch.

I hereby dub thee High King Eliot the Spectacular.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Wow. (SIGHS)

This feels as natural as underwear.

Thank you.

By the power vested in me by...

(SIGHS)

I have no idea...

(CHUCKLING)

I do hereby crown you High Queen Margo,

the Destroyer.

I mean that in the best possible sense.

(SIGHS)

All hail. Everyone, clap.

I have known what you truly are since the day we met.

Long may you reign.

I feel it's incumbent upon me to

promise never again to betray you like I did.

I really, really am sorry.

I have some character defects. I'm workin' on it.

Honestly.

I'm working on some, too.

Well, on that note,

I crown you

Queen Alice the Wise.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

No, wait.

Since we're cleaning slates and shit.

Give me.

Q.

(SIGHS)

I could start by saying something cruel

yet totally hilarious about you.

Let's be real, you're an easy target.

But that's... That's because you're honest about what you love,

and underneath it all, that's inspiring.

And I'm sorry, too.

Not about the sex, I don't even really remember it.

But mostly my part in fucking up something that was good for you.

Thanks, I think I fucked it up just fine myself.

Now that we're ruling a kingdom together,

I hope we can be whatever we were again.

I guess you would call that friends.

Let's go with that.

I hereby crown you

King Quentin the Moderately Socially Maladjusted.

Scrunch down.

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFLES)

Royalty, bitches.

Okay.

Shit.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, everything okay?

I'm going back to the Torrent.

You think that guy did something to you?

'Cause you were a raging douche?

I'll sweet talk him, get him to fix my hands, and I'll head to the castle.

Everything's under control.

Alice?

Apology accepted.

That was you apologizing for what you did?

I just...

If we survive this, I hope we can be friends still.

Look, I know it might sound stupid,

but that's what I'm mad at you for, and not the cheating part.

The part where what you did made me lose you.

And you were a big part of my life, Quentin.

You can never lose me, Alice.

(SCOFFS)

I mean, you can avoid me, and you can hate me and...

I don't hate you.

(SCOFFS)

Well, you can't lose me. Sorry.

I can't stop thinking.

We're gonna find this epic spell, great.

But I'm afraid I'm just gonna

freeze again when The Beast is in front of me.

You're thinking about it wrong.

Cool under pressure is not a talent.

It's a skill, and you need to practice.

(SIGHS) Come on.

We stood on a roof together during the Trials

and you told me that you were afraid

to see what you were really capable of.

(QUENTIN CHUCKLES)

That was then. So let's see what you can do now.

I'm not sure it'll help.

Then do it for me, hell.

I'm not gonna lie. I... I'm dying to see what you can do.

I'm not a Naturalist.

You know the spell, we all do. We just sucked at it.

Let's see what you can do now.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

ALICE: It feels...

It's just like breathing.

See? Nice.

(WOOD CREAKING, LEAVES RUSTLING)

(EXHALES)

So how do you feel now?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

We're not getting back together.

Okay.

I've been wondering something.

Why didn't Reynard kill you with your friends?

Why were you spared?

You weren't spared. Were you?

Look, let's not go there, okay?

You know, when I was a boy,

a man who was meant to care for me

bent me over his desk and had me over and over,

every time I was alone with him.

It helped me understand a truth.

You're powerful or you're weak.

If you're powerful, you will survive.

So, what? You're suggesting I just get over it?

Actually, yes.

How? Mutate?

Take over a world? Kill a bunch of grad students 39 times?

(LAUGHING)

You see, what you feel,

the haunted look in your eyes,

doesn't come from nowhere.

Then where does it come from?

In the center of your being, there's a tiny beating heart.

What, you mean like my soul?

Part of it, yes. The slimmest part.

But it holds specific power.

It's called a Shade.

Shade. Yeah.

It's what makes you feel

the pain will burn you till there's nothing.

And, yes, it's also there for love,

but let's be frank, darling,

you're more likely to throw yourself off a bridge

than ever love again.

I felt that way.

And I knew it crippled me when I needed to be strong.

As you do now.

You know... (SIGHS)

I don't care for people, as a rule.

But I like you.

You have promise.

With the right control, you would be formidable.

Even a worthy collaborator.

I have plans. You could be part of them.

If?

Do what I did. Sever your Shade.

Sever. Mmm.

It's not hard. You'll feel better.

You'll feel happy. I can show you how.

No, thank you.

Do let me know if you change your mind.

(HUMMING)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Eliot!

The crown suits you. Of course. (CHUCKLES)

Who are all these people?

The Pickwick family.

They'd been running things till Children of Earth came.

ELIOT: Oh.

Your Highness.

Tick Pickwick of the Northern Marsh Pickwicks, at your service.

The rest of the King's Council will arrive shortly.

Great.

So glad you're here. There are a few problems.

Uh, several problems that could use your immediate attention.

Ah, um, okay. Great. We should probably get started.

First, your Throne Room.

I'm afraid it's been locked a long time. We're looking for the key.

That's fine. Uh, take me straight to the Armory.

(MARTIN LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

(DISTORTED LAUGHTER AND VOICES)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

The Armory, Your Highnesses.

Well, this is underwhelming.

It's supposed to be full of books.

Strategies for Trapping Tomato-Eating Garden Fairies.

Yeah, no.

Someone took all the battle magic.

It's not like The Beast is coming to find us any second.

ALICE: Wait, this is something.

It's a workbook on spells. Serious ones.

Looks like battle magic. But the actual spells aren't here.

Hmm. Like notes on cake, but no actual recipes.

It's helpful.

Who wrote it?

Oh, my God.

ELIOT: What?

I know where we need to go.

Brakebills?

Hello? Mister, uh...

Mister...

(GRUNTS)

Fuck!

Can I help you?

Hell, yes, you can. These don't work.

Oh, by all means, request a refund.

Very funny. You did this on purpose.

Did what? Help an ungrateful Child of Earth?

Look, I'll pay you whatever you want. Okay?

I'm serious, okay?

I am friends with the kings and queens.

You wanna be a duke, great, I got you. I...

Actions have consequences, Penny.

Even glib words spoken in casual arrogance.

It's past time you learned.

Especially, given the position you will occupy soon.

What position?

You know what? I've done you a service.

No, no, look! Hey! I'm sorry. Okay?

Please fix my hands.

Let's see, how do I put this in a way that you will understand?

Ah. Go fuck yourself.

No, wait!

Fuck!

Hang on to this while I'm gone?

Oh.

You guys all packed?

Yeah.

El, thank you.

ELIOT: For what? (CLEARS THROAT)

For taking one for the team to the tune of the rest of my life?

(SIGHS)

I'm trying to see this ruling thing as an adventure.

Apparently, we have enemies to the north and south,

plus broken infrastructure,

and huge magic issues thanks to The Beast

and his Wellspring addiction.

And do you know they don't know what champagne is here?

I plan on inventing it.

I'd like to be known as the "Champagne King."

It has a ring to it.

Right? Mmm-hmm.

I'm really looking forward to drinking socially.

Like the French.

So, uh, in the books,

time doesn't exactly run the same speed on Earth as in Fillory.

I mean, look, sometimes it got screwy

when Jane and Martin would go back and forth.

But not always.

It's gonna be fine, El.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or I'll just live out my days waiting for my friends to return,

and die alone.

You know, it's considered extremely disrespectful

to touch a king without permission.

But, um, I think you should probably hug me right now.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

It'll also be okay if you just gave my ass, like, a little squeeze.

(CHUCKLING)

MARTIN: Feel free to double-check this before I get started.

Julia?

Why do you want to help me with my Shade?

Without your Shade you'd see a lot of things differently.

You'd be able to live, Julia.

Come here. Let me show you.

(MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)

(SQUELCHING)

(GASPS)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

We're there.

Put it back.

It's okay. It's okay.

I need it.

Put it back now, Martin.

Suit yourself.

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(SIGHS)

I understand why you're afraid.

You don't want to lose yourself.

But hear me on this.

Martyring yourself to your pain

isn't all it's advertised to be.

It'll destroy you.

There's no glory in that.

You might get Reynard. Yes.

But he'll still win.

Anyways.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(SOBBING SOFTLY)

http://hiqve.com/