Original subtitles

TAD: Jay, Mark,

I would like to discuss with you

my vision for Mountains of the Valley, the world's

first upscale breastaurant.

I'm confused, Trevor.

I thought you owned the trademark to that name

and you had refused to sell it to him.

Yes, but in the end, Jay couldn't countenance

the alternative name that Tad settled upon:

Boobs and Steaks.

So they asked me to let Tad

have "Mountains of the Valley,"

-and here we are. -TAD: And how are we coming

with the menu, Jay? You got my email about the lamb?

Yeah, I did.

Tad, it's just, you know,

the individual chops are kind of my signature.

Yeah, got to be a rack, otherwise it won't make sense

when the servers ask

if anyone would like to see their huge rack.

Well, it's hard to argue with that, Tad.

And what exactly are jalapeño knockers?

That's for Jay to figure out.

But they're on the menu.

[sighs] Gabe, we have to find a way to save Mahesh.

We can't let our restaurant turn into this.

Okay, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.

[short chuckle]

Yeah, this is hell.

Who is that?

Nikki, the new barkeep.

She looks...

very qualified.

Are you talking about those strong muddling hands?

Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Calluses for days, am I right?

Oh, yeah. No mint is safe.

♪ ♪

What do you mean, you're moving out?

I know this comes as a shock.

When I moved to the basement, I considered it

a permanent and authentic decision.

But what can I say? My friends miss me.

[scoffs] Spare us, Isaac.

You moved down here so you could run for ghost representative

as a basement dweller.

Now you don't need us,

so you're out of here. Fine.

Take your carpet and put it in your bag

-and shove it. -Oh.

Well, this is emotional for all of us. Hmm?

I, for one, will remember each and every one of you fondly.

I'm back. [laughs] I'm free of those freaks.

[sniffs] Oh, do you smell that?

-I don't smell anything. -Precisely.

Oh, it's good to be home.

Welcome back, Isaac.

SAMANTHA: Hey,

uh, Tad? I just wanted to talk to you about something.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

What if instead of small, medium and large,

we offered our drinks

in a B cup, C cup and D cup?

I think this guy might be a genius.

Tad, are you sure that this rebrand

is the best thing for the business?

It's just, Mahesh is very precious to Jay.

I mean, he named it after his dad.

I named the main character after my dad

in my classic noir film Jimmy The Deadbeat.

-He must have been very touched. -[phone chimes]

Sons of bitches. Sorry, sorry.

City council is voting tomorrow

to officially remove me from office.

Oh, I thought that already happened.

Effectively, yeah. It's just a formality.

But if the vote goes your way tomorrow,

you could be mayor again?

Never gonna happen. Councilman Gus Heyward,

my nemesis,

is the deciding vote,

so unless he has a miraculous change of heart,

I'm afraid you guys are stuck with me.

I always wanted to have a nemesis.

Well, what about your friend who was sleeping

with your wife for all those years?

Oh, yeah. I guess I do have one.

-[chuckles] -SAMANTHA: Hang on,

if Gus did change his mind and reinstate you,

is that something you'd be interested in?

Yeah, of course.

Public service is my passion.

I just want to help people and make the world better.

Hey, Tad, the tank tops came in but

they're not bedazzled like you wanted.

TAD: Seriously?

I spent 20 minutes on the phone with that guy.

I sent him multiple sketches.

Sorry, excuse me.

This is interesting.

Sam, it seems like if you can get Tad

his mayorship back, he'll drop the whole restaurant idea.

Whoa, ho, let's just take a beat.

What about Nikki? She just got this job.

Is anybody thinking about her?

'Cause I'm thinking about her.

I'm... I'm thinking about her quite a bit.

SAMANTHA: We got to talk to this councilman,

see if we can change his mind.

Now, hold your horses. You want to flip a politician,

-you're gonna need some leverage. -What do you mean?

I'm talking about dirt.

Who is this guy? What's he hiding?

Everybody has something they don't want someone

-to know. -Like my unpermitted deck.

I mean, I would've done just about anything

to keep that from coming out.

The stairs weren't even to code, God forgive me.

That makes a lot of sense, Joan.

I'm gonna go do some digging on this councilman,

see if we can find anything useful.

It's like she doesn't care about Nikki at all.

[scoffs] Heartless.

[groans]

[groans]

Isaac!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just can't seem to fall asleep.

Perhaps I'm out of practice sleeping lying down.

In the basement, we sleep standing up.

Like cattle. Or horses.

Also, giraffes. Which, as I understand them,

are kind of like tall, orange donkeys.

Look, I've got a big day tomorrow.

The new Peoplemagazine is arriving,

and I'm hoping for a Chalamet cover.

Oh. Wait, what happened to Momoa?

Oh, hunks are over. It's all about hot rodent men now.

"Hot rodent men."

Okay, good night.

[groans]

I swear to God.

JOAN: Oh, God, this takes me back,

digging up dirt on a bigwig.

A politician with a dark past.

Classic noir stuff.

This guy's a saint. Councilman Gus Heyward

volunteers at church,

fundraises for the Salvation Army,

fosters disabled dogs.

Boom. I got a parking ticket in 1996.

Is that anything?

Not exactly a dead hooker, but it's a start.

Happy blackmailing, everyone. How's it going?

JOAN: We've got bubkes.

This guy's cleaner than Orson Welles' plate

after a steak dinner at Musso's.

She has a way with words.

I don't know what any of them mean,

but I like how she says 'em.

Wait, is that the guy?

-That's Gus? -SAMANTHA: Yeah.

-Why? -Because I've seen him before.

And if we need dirt,

oh, boy, I got a whole truckload.

Enough to get the mayor his job back?

And then some.

Oh! I got a second parking ticket.

A pattern emerges.

Just tell us, Pete. What do you have on Gus

that would be so damning that he would have

to reinstate Tad as the mayor?

Well, I will tell you

right after a patented Martino drumroll.

-I saw him in an orgy. -Oh.

-What? -You remember months ago

when we snuck into the Farnsbys' media room

to move that bookshelf so that Thor

could watch his son get married?

We do have fun.

Yes, I remember. I jumped out the window

and I ran home to cancel our Ever Creek water subscription.

Well, after you left, you'll recall Jay was stuck in a closet

while your friends, who were renting the Farnsbys' home,

put on a DVD of what they thought was the movie Swingers.

But it turned out to be a sex tape

of people who actually were swingers.

Bingo,

a septuagenarian orgy, one of the stars of which

was our friend Gus right here.

-Oh. -Oh.

Jay, Gus was in that amateur porn video you heard

in the Farnsbys' closet.

Oh, God.

That haunting knee clicking? That was Gus's.

A click, a clack, a romp in the sack.

She can really sell some gibberish.

But, babe, none of this is good to us

unless we can get some hard evidence,

no pun intended.

Yes.

My guy's not afraid to go blue.

Well, we better get that tape.

Or we could accept that Mahesh had a good run,

and Nikki gets to keep her job.

Who are we to play God?

So we'll get the tape.

-Yeah, we'll get the tape. -Great.

Suddenly, Ward McAllister opens his mouth

and vomits all over Alva Vanderbilt's birthday cake.

Oh, and that's when I realize

-the clams have turned. -[yawns]

Am I boring you?

I'm sorry, Hetty, I-I didn't get a wink last night.

I've been in the basement so long,

I think I've grown habituated

to their unusual nocturnal customs.

HETTY: Hmm.

You've been institutionalized.

Excuse me?

In 1876, my mother made an offhand comment,

admitting to feelings of sexual longing.

She was thus diagnosed with hysteria

and whisked away to the local asylum.

-Naturally. -Upon her return 18 months later,

she had grown accustomed to the ways of the asylum,

and it was now home where she felt a strange unease.

Yes.

That's exactly how I'm feeling.

So what did you do?

Well, we realized she needed to be weaned,

so for a time

we brought a taste of the asylum back to Woodstone.

To help Mother go to sleep,

my sister Margaret and I

would wail psychotically outside her door.

Interesting. So you're saying I should bring

some of the basement upstairs,

at least until I've weaned myself of their ways.

Indeed. Exactly.

Genius.

Thank you.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Oh, it was a dangerous summer for shellfish.

GARRETT: I'm surprised you wanted to borrow a DVD.

Don't y'all have streaming over there?

I'm more of a physical media guy.

Me, too. Though I got burned bad by Betamax.

How did VHS win?

It's a slightly inferior platform.

Oh, there's so many to choose from.

I think I'll just go with some of the classics.

Uh, Master and Commander.

Oh, Die Hard.

Whatever this is

and Sudden Death

starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Uh, wait, that one's not actually Swingers.

And Die Hard'snot what he thinks it is either.

It's fine, whatever.

No, you really don't want to see that.

Well, that's what they said about Batman Forever,

but guess what. I loved it.

It's the Farnsbys having sex with a bunch of old people.

I can handle it.

What?

Thank you, see you later.

So, how's married life?

He snores so loud.

Yeah, Vikings.

ISAAC: Okay, Hetty,

that's perfect.

Pete, don't be afraid to scoot right in there.

All right, now, Sass, feel free to relax that posture.

We're looking for a nice, casual slouch, all right?

That's it.

What the hell's going on here?

Hmm? Oh. [laughs]

Well, uh, Hetty helped me see

that I had become institutionalized,

so in order to wean myself,

I've decided to temporarily recreate

the basement sleep experience upstairs.

Don't mind us, we'll just be

standing here quietly watching you sleep.

ISAAC [laughs]: Oh, it won't be quiet.

No, the subterranean sleep experience

is a symphony of bodily noises.

What?

Well, for example, Nancy died

with pus blocking the majority of her nasal canal,

creating the most soothing nose whistle.

Hetty, I'm gonna need you to recreate that.

Oh, unfortunately, cocaine obliterated my septum.

The air blows through it

like a breeze through a mountain pass.

[sighs] Okay. Well, there's also a scent element.

Did anyone die having recently eaten an onion?

Creepy Dirk did, and that pungent aroma

has become a bit of a security blanket.

You know, Isaac, these requests are a little more specific

than I anticipated.

I kind of just thought it would be clumping.

So that's a no to the onion?

Okay, well, somebody

has to be in charge of the bedtime stories,

and the main character's name has to be Isaac

because that is how the Trunk would always do it.

I think I'm out.

What? No.

I thought this would be, like, funny weird,

but now it's just kind of sad weird.

-Okay, bye. -ISAAC: Sass,

you can't leave. Three is not a clump!

All right. Alberta, you're in.

[scoffs] Dream on, Isaac.

I wish I could.

I wish I could.

JAY: Well, thank you

for meeting with me, Councilman Heyward.

Always happy to sit with a constituent.

Unfortunately, we've seen your happy face,

and that's not it.

Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

I'm volunteering at a soup kitchen this afternoon.

But what can I do for you?

Well, uh, sir,

I'm a colleague of the soon-to-be former mayor's,

and I would like you to reconsider

stripping him of his mayoral duties.

We have seen him strip people before.

See, you're not the only one who can do wordplay.

Look, it's a shame what happened with Tad,

but he violated the trust and faith of this community.

And unfortunately my hands are tied.

Not even gonna touch that one. Too easy.

Okay, I'm gonna cut right to the chase.

Tad is turning my dream restaurant

into an upscale breastaurant

and making me invent

jalapeño knockers,

so I'm going to slide a DVD to you now...

...that will make you reconsider.

Aw, baby's first blackmail.

What is this? Swingers?

Well, it's not the Vince Vaughn love letter

to the Los Feliz of the '90s.

That is septuagenarian porn.

It's an orgy filmed at the Farnsbys'.

Oh, no.

That got his attention quicker

than Ms. Farnsby walking in with a riding crop.

Look, I could get Tad his mayorship back,

but that won't fix things.

There's someone else

who wants Tad taken down,

and she'll stop at nothing.

[gasps] A mysterious femme fatale.

The plot thickens.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the person who told me

about Gate-gate in the first place.

The whistleblower.

She's desperate to end Tad's political career,

and she's got more dirt where that came from.

Well, who is she?

I can't tell you that.

And now that I have this,

I don't have to.

And you won't be able to prove a thing.

Dude, I have copies.

Oh.

Can I have those?

No.

Okay.

In that case, I'll tell you.

The whistleblower is...

Tad's wife.

JOAN: The wife did it.

Classic twist.

But tell me more about this breastaurant.

Is there a back room,

and do you rent it out to large groups?

Okay, yes, I was the one

who turned Tad in for Gate-gate.

You enjoying your food?

It's delicious.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, I-I'm a ghost. I thought you knew.

Worked at Pizza Barn back in '05.

Four restaurants ago.

Didn't you see the check spike in her back?

What's delicious?

I was talking

to you. The betrayal.

The betrayal is delicious.

JAY: Mm, she is

a big fan of betrayal,

which, you know, keeps me on my toes.

So, circling back, why did you sabotage

your own husband's political career?

I did it for our marriage.

After our daughter went to college,

it was supposed to be our time.

We always said we'd sell the house, buy a boat,

sail to the islands, but our time never came.

Love your outfit.

PETE: They're clearly

in a conversation.

Have some ghost-to-Living etiquette.

MELANIE: After he sold the car dealership,

then he ran for mayor.

I saw even less of him then.

So you took him down, but then,

instead of spending more time with you,

he just dove into a new project.

Exactly.

He's never going to stop working.

She's a bit of a bummer, but

you've got to feel for the broad.

[sighs]

-[chuckles] Melanie. -MELANIE: Tad?

What are you doing here?

I'm picking up my moo shu pork.

Jay recommended this place to me.

Jay, you recommended this place to Tad

and suggested it to Melanie for our secret meeting?

Well, it's a great place, but they're not doing very well.

I'm just trying to support them.

-What's she talking about, secret meeting? -[Melanie sighs]

I'm tired of this.

Tad.

I'm the one who blew the whistle on Gate-gate.

What? How could you?

Because I miss you.

It's actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.

Who cares? You ruined my political career.

[sighs] I can't believe you'd do this to me.

So, do we think that moo shu pork is up for grabs?

-Jay. -Well, I don't want it to go to waste.

[ghosts snoring]

-Isaac. -No, shh, shh. Back to sleep.

-Hey. -No, no, let's just... -STUART: Isaac, you're back.

Hey, everyone, Isaac's back.

Oh. Look who came crawling back, standing up.

No, no, no, no, I'm not back. I simply want to sleep with you.

-Listening. -Uh, no, I mean,

I've been having trouble sleeping upstairs,

so I thought I would just come down here to get some shut-eye.

Yeah, right. I know what this is.

-You miss us. -[Isaac scoffs]

Yeah, right. What do I miss, hmm?

Dirk's onion breath?

Stuart's idiotic pontificating about wood?

The warm, womb-like security of the clump?

Okay, fine, I miss you freaks. There, I said it.

Isaac, just because you don't live down here anymore

doesn't mean you can't come visit.

-Really? -Absolutely.

We have an open-door policy down in the pit.

Mostly because someone nailed a door shut

to make sure we died in here.

-Yeah, you're always welcome. -Yeah.

Oh, there's that onion breath I've missed so much.

Oh, what do you say, one more overnight

-for old times' sake, hmm? -Come on, clump up, buddy.

[Nancy and others sigh]

[Isaac sighs]

[ghosts snore]

So I could be mayor again

because Gus goes to senior sex parties?

I know you're processing a lot,

but, yes, that is pretty much the gist of it.

Are the parties just for seniors?

Or do young people just choose not to go?

TAD: I don't know.

With my marriage falling apart,

maybe it's better to just turn the page,

launch this restaurant. I mean,

you nailed these jalapeño knockers.

Idea-- what if they were served

in a bra basket that the customer had to unclasp?

We are watching a once-in-a-generation talent.

And the clasp is an onion ring.

-What a mind. -SAMANTHA: Uh, Tad,

there's someone here to see you.

I came to apologize.

It's true, I've been unhappy,

but I never should have blown the whistle on Gate-gate.

In my defense, I had just

polished off a box of white zin. [laughs]

She'd probably get along really well

with that wino Lucille Ball.

-[chuckles] -TAD: Honestly,

I'm not mad at you. You were desperate.

And it's true, I-I-I do love my work.

But I also love you,

so I'm not sure where that leaves us.

Well, here's a "cake and eat it, too" suggestion.

He wants to work, she wants to spend more time together.

What if they took a page out of the Sam and Jay playbook

and worked together?

What if there was a way that you could still be mayor

and also spend more time together?

By being like me and Jay?

-What do you mean? -Cash-strapped?

-Inept at business? -Friendless?

Maybe you could work together at the mayor's office.

Oh, I would love to work with Tad, but...

I don't know if I'm built for the world of politics.

I don't know, that was pretty manipulative and underhanded,

the way you derailed Tad's career.

That's true.

She could be your chief of staff.

Oh, uh, I already have one.

Not after you throw Jeremy under the bus

for any residual Gate-gate fallout.

My God, that came to her easily.

I like it. We're gonna do great things together.

We could even do some traveling,

like you wanted, but on the city's dime.

He heard he's getting his job back five seconds ago,

and he's already knee-deep in new corruption.

JAY: Oh, no.

You probably won't have time to be the mayor

and run a world-class breastaurant, though, huh?

That's true, but I don't want it happening without me. [sighs]

I'm gonna have to pull the plug on Mountains of the Valley.

You can still put jalapeño knockers

on the Mahesh menu if you want.

Thank you. I will take that under serious consideration.

Thank you guys for everything.

TAD: We got to go,

but we'll write you from St. Kitts,

where we'll be on a catamaran,

working tirelessly for the people of Ulster County.

And in the end it all worked out.

The girl got the guy, the guy got the job,

and I got to smell something called moo shu three ways.

Which, ironically, was the name of the move

Gus was doing on that tape.

NEWSCASTER [over TV]: Well, it seems that Mayor Tad

has somehow survived the Gate-gate scandal

and will not be stepping down anytime soon.

Oh, good news for Tad, bad news for jalapeño knockers.

Yeah, sorry, Trevor.

This is a setback for the upscale breastaurant industry

as a whole.

But we have been through worse and we will be back.

And in a surprising twist,

Tad's return to office was aided

by a longtime political foe-- Gus Heyward.

I caught up with the city councilman earlier today.

That's the thing about politics.

You never know when people are going to come together.

That language felt purposeful.

-I think you're probably reading into it. -My point is,

you have to be flexible.

Sometimes you just have to reach across the aisle

and give someone a hand.

Okay, well, there's no reading into that.

Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.

He did that same wink on the tape. Ugh, it haunts me.

NEWSCASTER: And now let's turn it over

to brand-new Channel Five weatherwoman Nikki Snow.

A cold front is expected to move in over the next few days.

Wait, is that the bartender from Mountains of the Valley?

-Yes. -Glad she landed on her feet.

Can't keep that kind of talent down.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org