Original subtitles

[Kids talking indistinctly]

Good morning, patrol!

All: Good morning, Skipper!

Welcome to Day 1, Activity "A,"

and "A" is for Archery!

- Yes! - OK.

We'll all get a chance to shoot at the targets,

but before we do,

I just need to run through some dos and do nots.

There you go, Frank. Pass that down.

Alexander, you take the bow.

I'll sit down. Get used to the feel of it.

It may surprise some of you to know

that most accidents happen after the arrows have hit the target.

Boys run down the range and can easily trip up.

So safety rule number 1 is no--

I...uh...

That's gone through that, clean through.

Uhh...uhh...I'm panicking.

All right...

Who can drive?

[Keys jingling]

We might need one of you to drive.

No, that's a silly idea. Don't look at me, kids.

[Indistinct] You don't want to see this in your dreams.

Someone call Carl, please.

You gotta go to a new forest next week.

That's out. Ugh!

Oh, it's cold, isn't it?

Ugh...

Aaah...

Ugh! Aah!

That's better.

[Keys jingling]

Uhh...uhh...

[Engine starts; radio playing song]

[Crash; horn blaring]

[Birds chirping]

[Snoring]

Michael.

Mike! [Snoring stops]

Morning, handsome.

Listen...

[Michael sighs]

I can't hear anything.

Exactly.

Builders haven't arrived yet.

Our pigeon isn't in here.

We're all alone.

- Oh! - Yeah. Yeah.

[Laughs] What?

Michael: Are you sure we're alone?

Alison: Mike, there are no ghosts in here.

Michael: It's freaking me out. You can see them. I--

Mike, Mike, Mike.

We are alone.

[Chuckling]

Aah! Ooh...yes.

[Whispering] Get out.

There's one in here now, isn't there?

Yeah, just...

[Horn honks; men shouting]

[Michael groans]

Ohh!

Michael: Will we ever learn?

[Giggling]

Castle man, he go dadunka dadunka.

You go.

Interesting.

Ehh...funny hat dude, he take--

Hey!

Ooh...

- [Whirr whirr] - Ehh ehh

Woman: What's all this commotion?

Man: Hey, get the light off.

Woman: Aah! Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

Eww! Unacceptable! Oh!

Emergency meeting!

The Captain: Now it's clear that this new enemy,

these builders are deep in our territory.

It's an occupation.

We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight--

On the landing?

That's all right. Don't be glib.

But how do we fight? We have no rocks, no sticks,

no bears.

- Bears? - [Thomas sighs]

Oh, yes, very good, Thomas. We'll just sigh at them.

You don't understand, do you?

The Captain: Oh, most certainly not.

Thomas: She does not comprehend

the profundity of my feelings for her.

Thomas in big love with Kim Wilde.

Kim--Alison? He's got the hots for Alison.

Oh, it's far more complicated than that ...

I'm attempting to compose a poem of such intricate beauty

to reflect the way I feel.

I cannot be expected to plot with you halfwits

and work on my art!

Ooh...

Alison: You can't just appear like that,

not when we're in bed.

Were you, like, making a baby?

Uh, what? No, no. I mean, I was hoping we'd get in a bit of practice, but--

- Practice? - You know...

Getting jiggy with it. How's your father?

He's dead, I think.

You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

I thought babies were made when you pressed ears together.

Oh, no! Who told you that?

My sister. How do you make a baby?

Well, OK.

So when a man and a woman love each other very, very much,

or not--actually, sometimes that can be more fun.

Man: Alison!

You have to ask me later 'cause I gotta go.

Hi, Terry! You all right, mate?

The Captain: Ah! There you are. Jolly good.

Now, look here! I thought the Blitz was bad,

but your builders make the Luftwaffe look like a youth group!

No offense, Pat. We know your lot incapable of killing.

Alison: Please, not now.

- Oh, sorry. - No, not you, Terry.

I was just talking to...Mike.

- Not now, Mike! - What?

- Right. - Yes, Terry.

How are you? How's it going?

Yeah. Good, good. We've finally managed to make the roof watertight

in the, um, yeah, the back bit.

- The East Wing. - East Wing. Thank you.

Terry.

But we have found something else.

The drainage from the East Wing is cracked.

I don't know when it was put in.

1894.

1894, probably, between...

[Michael speaking indistinctly]

- Not now! - Hmm?

Alison: What's he like, Terry?

Right. Well, it needs a lot of work to make sure it doesn't breach.

Can do it quite on top of the old one,

which has gone up a bit, I'm afraid.

Michael: We don't have any more money.

Alison: Great, great. We'll probably just put our heads together

and run some numbers up the flagpole and just see

if any of that makes any sense.

[Cell phone ringing] Excuse me. Excuse me.

Yeah, by all means.

We done? I can't disagree to my wife like that?

And we're burning through money quicker than actually burning money.

Alison: Mike, it's fine. This is all part of being project manager.

It's a negotiation. You get them on the side,

do a little bit of wheeling, dealing.

You gotta be mates if you want mates rates.

He's coming, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

Listen, let's chat numbers later,

and in the meantime, how about a nice cup

of Owl Rosy Lea?

Terry: Oh, yeah. No milk, 4 sugars.

OK. Watch out!

For the sugar, Terry!

Come on! That's too many!

- Isn't it, Mike? - Yeah.

Just checking. That was a ghost thing, right?

- Yep. - A ghost in here, which is why you went weird, yeah.

There's one there and one there.

- Yes, we're here, we're here. - Here we are, yeah.

Right.

Pat, are you not well?

Hmm? Oh, no, I'm fine.

It's just that tomorrow's my death day,

so, you know, I always get a bit emotion--

How are babies made?

Alison...

my Alison.

You are like a...

like a-- - I'm sorry.

Appreciate such short notice and that,

but we've just got so much rubbish to clear up.

I mean, loads of it, seriously.

Julian: Builders are awful, aren't they?

I had a terrible time when I was extending the Bramptons back in '86.

It's a modest Oxfordfordshire pile-- 11 bedrooms, tennis courts,

wet room--blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Sounds frightfully expensive. - Oh, no, I didn't pay for it.

I ran it through MPs expenses!

Great British taxpayer covered it.

Wonderful idiots. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. Builders--well, I mean, they're all thieves, aren't they?

Tinkers to a man, all the noise, the football chants,

the party banter. Ooh...

- Wait a minute. That's it. - What's what?

All we have to do is watch these builders closely

until they commit some sort of misdemeanor,

report it to Alison...

And she'll send them away with a flea in their ear!

Yes, let's get organized.

I have flea in ear.

But you're dead.

So is flea.

I also have worms.

Ugh...

Julian: Ah! There's two in here.

A proper pair of oinks.

Should be like shooting fish in a barrel,

which I did for real once.

Party conference. Bournemouth. Great fun.

Man: We must sneak off a bit earlier today, Wixie.

- This is gonna be easy! - Shouldn't be a problem.

- Where are you off to, then? - I need to get back to that community project thing.

Man: Oh, yeah, the kids' playground at hospital.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, I mean, this being nice, that's one thing,

but that's just weird nice.

All right, there's plenty more where they came from. Come on.

Ohh...Pat!

[Sighs]

You all right?

Tomorrow's my death day.

Oh! Happy...

no, death day.

- Mmm. - Really sorry, Pat.

I've actually never asked you.

How did you die exactly?

So, now I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I just wanted to lighten the mood, and it hasn't worked.

Sorry. That must be really hard for you.

Pat: Yeah, it is, yeah.

Well, on the plus side, I get to see my family, so...

Alison: Oh! What? What?

Every year, they come to pay their respects.

They'll be here tomorrow, over there.

- Oh. - Yeah, it used to be a tree,

but it blew down in the great storm of 1987.

I mean, people say it was a storm, but it was a hurricane, Alison.

Well, that'll be nice to see your family.

And I thought, wouldn't it be great to pass on a message to them.

Oh, no, Pat. I don't think that's such a great idea.

Pat: Oh, it is. I can let Carol know that I was OK.

The whole family come-- Denny, he's me son and his girlfriend,

they'll be there and Carol's husband Maurice.

She remarried?

It's fine. I'm very happy for them.

Maurice was actually my best mate,

so it was really lovely when he married Carol.

He was always such a support to her,

even before I died. - Mmm...

He was always 'round, had his own set of keys.

I remember one Sunday, I came back from camp,

and I found all his clothes in the hallway, everything--

his socks, his knickers--they're all strewn up the stairs.

Oh, no.

- Mmm. - Yep.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

Yeoww!

Anyone dead in here?

Uhh!

Ow...

[Water running]

Julian: Don't worry. It's only a matter of time.

Builders are born to hustle. It's in their DNA.

- Yes, I know. - Oh, ah, there we are.

- That's perfect. - There he comes.

Our work here is done. Ha ha ha ha!

- Hey, bud. - Yeah?

- What? - Dropped your wallet, mate.

- Got to be joking! - Ah, cheers.

The Captain: Tough nuts to crack, this lot.

It reminds me of Monty in the desert in '42.

- Oh, yeah. - Totally hemmed in.

- Interesting. - But he persisted.

Oh, this is happening now.

- Where you off to? - I'm going to the pub.

Mike, it's barely midday.

Yeah, well, sometimes, you know, a guy just wants to--

You're doing a Glastonbury, aren't you?

OK, so I may have some issues.

Mike, you left the Festival to go for a poo,

not just the campsite, the entire Festival.

So I need poo space.

It's hard enough when people are close by,

let alone when there might be ghosts in there with me.

[Starts engine]

You've got this covered, though, yeah, project manager?

- Yeah. - Get us a deal.

Sure. They're not watching you!

- I am! - Oh, my God.

Stop sneaking up on me!

[Crash] - Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hello, Terry. Can I get you a tea?

Terry: No. You all right?

Oh, Alison...

my Alison.

You are like...

You are like, uh...

Garrison?

African?

- Say tarragon. - Hexagram.

- Algorithm? - [Indistinct]

Embarrassing.

Please, will you hush?

I cannot hear myself think.

You know nothing of poetry.

Talisman?

- Oh! That's brilliant! - Sounds good.

- I said that 5 minutes ago. - No, you didn't.

- I didn't hear you say that. - I didn't hear it.

- Well, I did. - I thought it myself, anyway.

Lady Button: You want to know how babies are made, Kitty.

Well...the bees, you see, like men, visit the flowers.

Some bees like just one type of flower,

though, turns out not your flower

'cause your flower just isn't good enough.

So there you are on display, waiting for the big, strong bee

with his big pollen sacs underneath him

and he goes to a different flower.

And sometimes, Kitty, the bee only likes other bees.

And you think, "Well, why have you chosen that bee and not my flower?"

But they don't care, you see. They just buzz around and ignore you.

That's fascinating.

[Workers talking indistinctly]

Robin: Look at that. [Monkey screeching]

Hey, a monkey.

- Oh, no, no, no. - That's good fun.

- Where are you going? - [Monkey screeching]

Oh, good Lord, I mean, that's...

Fanny: What's all that racket?

The Captain: All right, now, Fanny, I insist.

You really do not want to see this.

Really isn't something you should be looking at.

Aaah! How on earth are they both doing that?

- Absolutely-- - You know what, um...

Fanny, I think you should go and report this to Alison straightaway--

- Yes. Yes. - if I were you.

- And it's shocking to hear. - You're absolutely right.

[Monkey continues screeching]

[Utensil hitting china]

Right, then. Drainage issue.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's a tricky one now.

I have never been so outraged

- in all my life! - ...is finding where to dig.

Those builders have been watching some grotesquery on their magic lanterns.

- It's disgusting! - ...we need to get the old...

Two monkeys doing unspeakable things!

Oh, the video!

Well, it's more like an ultrasound,

but it does have a screen on it, yeah.

I'm sorry, Terry. I was actually just thinking about

that YouTube video and this funny part with the monkeys.

- Have you seen it? - Yeah, yeah. I have, yes.

- It's pretty funny. - It is funny, actually.

A real Button wouldn't stand for this sort of behavior.

Well, could you not watch it, please, Terry,

because it's not acceptable behavior...

- Not in this house. - not in this house.

- Filthy dirty! - Filth...

Right, well, why don't we have this chat tomorrow, yeah?

Alison: Oh, sorry, Terry. I--yeah. Mmm.

It's OK, Alison. I've changed my mind.

I don't want you to talk to my wife.

Right. Good.

- I want you to kill her. - You what?

Well, don't you see? With any luck, she'll

become a ghost like me, and we can be together forever and ever.

Great, great. Yeah, um...

Oh, so shall I push her in the lake

or--ooh, I'll take her up to the roof and just throw her off.

Either's fine, just don't mark her face.

Of course I'm not gonna kill your wife, Pat!

It's a terrible idea.

I'm so sorry.

What have I become?

I'm a monster?

I'm a monster man!

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Pat sighs]

Do you mock me, sir? This is my sighing place.

Robin: Hey...Pat not feel good today.

His death day tomorrow. Family come.

Thomas: Oh, fine! I wasn't trying to work or anything.

Let's make an evening of it.

Bring wine...and figs!

Pat: I actually don't know if I want them to come anymore.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, Patrick,

but eventually no one will come.

That's just the way of it.

What Thomas try to say is,

you die.

Time passed. Everything change.

Family not come anymore.

Is pain...

but you heal.

Yeah. You remember them here.

And maybe one day,

you find new family.

[Workers talking indistinctly]

Robin: Wait up, guys!

Oh, he stinks, doesn't he?

Pat: Mmm...

Julian: The real issue is core strength.

That's known as a Norwegian picnic.

Well, you won't make many babies that way,

but it sure is a lot of fun--

a lot of fun. Ha!

A Himalayan campsite is an altogether more complicated position

involving 4 people and a rope swing.

Now, the key to that is good ballast.

Alison: Morning! Little treat for my favorite builders.

Oink oink. Bacon roll?

Oh, yeah, lovely. Thank you.

- Cheers. - Have a lovely day.

- Cheers. - Thank you.

- Have a lovely day. - Mmm!

Mmm! What's with the bag?

Gym. ...picking me up pretty quickly, so...

Why don't you have a spa break while you're at it?

Mike, we can't afford to be joining gyms.

Mike: It's a trial day. It's free.

Likin' all the wheelin' and dealin'?

Good, actually.

Mike: Well, I'm gonna go. Actually really gotta go.

Morning.

Morning, Terry. How are you?

- Yeah, fine. - Just wondering

if we could have a chat about the drainage issue

and see if we can come to some sort of arrangement.

Terry: Yeah, find time for that.

Yeah, look, we're gonna finish off that internal lattice work today,

so I'll need you to take those curtains down.

Can do, Terry, and I've got some bacon rolls going

if you fancy one.

Nah, I'm vegan.

Course you are.

[Robin snorts] Oh, God.

[Speaking indistinctly]

[Music playing loudly]

[Workers speaking indistinctly]

Woman, singing: ♪ You fell in love with me, I fell in love with you ♪

♪ But dreaming's all I do... ♪

[Alison humming]

Oh...

[Rip] - Ah!

Julian: Look at that! This could be our chance!

But we'll need help. Fetch Mary.

[Singing indistinctly]

Mary: Don't push me. You can't see through metal.

- Come quickly! - Aah!

'Tis the Devil's work!

He is amongst us. Quick!

Alison: The Devil? What are you talking about?

Julian: Right. Quick as lightning.

- Right, here we go. - Come on, be quick!

All right, don't pressure me, don't pressure me.

You know what to do. Push! Push!

- Aghhh... - Push, come on.

What? What is it?

Oh, I just thought I saw a swan.

What?

When we used to see a swan in our village,

that was the Devil at play.

Well, nowadays, that just means that there's a swan.

Oh, right.

There's loads of swans.

Then the Devil is busy.

- Aaah! - Come on, man! Come on!

- Aah... - Push it! Push it!

The Captain: Yes! You've got it!

- It's in. - Well done, Julian.

[Julian speaking indistinctly]

The Captain: Oh, my God. He's actually gonna take it.

- He's taking the box. - Take it, take it, take it.

- He's taking the box! - Yes!

Mary: That one be Lucifer's lucky for sure.

[Birds squawking]

No, wait! I also saw a ghost.

The Captain: We're just a couple of chaps in the library.

- Hi. - Hello there.

Julian: We're just a couple of chaps in the library.

The Captain: Uh, everything all right with you?

No, no. I've lost my engagement ring.

- Oh... - Oh, no!

Dear, listen, we don't want to be a couple of telltale tits.

The Captain: Uh, Julian saw...

Julian: Yes, I saw one of the builders

heading out to the East Wing just moments ago

looking tres, tres shifty.

- Which one? - The handsome one.

The Captain: Uh, the chap with the arms,

very strong, probably.

- What? - Thanks.

Terry: I'm actually pretty gobsmacked

that you think it might be one of us.

Please. I just need you to open your bags so I can check.

Fanny: Come on. Open your pockets, riffraff!

Man: Yeah.

All right, then.

- No, I don't. - No.

Ooh...uh-oh.

- Oh, dear. - Sticky fingers.

Is this it?

I'm so sorry. I didn't even know it was in there.

I didn't take it. Honest.

- Ho ho! - Likely story.

It could have been knocked off the workbench.

You are so right.

Yep. And I'm-- I'm so sorry.

Terry: It's a bit late for that, Alison.

Today is gonna be our last day.

- Get in it! - No, please don't go.

Alison: Look, it's not my fault.

I've been under a lot of stress lately, and...

would it help if I told you that this house is haunted

and I'm being plagued by ghosts who are making my life a misery?

Not really, no.

Oh, a carriage! Someone's coming!

Pat: Carol.

OK, you win. What do you want me to say to them?

Pat: I've had a think, Alison,

and I've decided it's best you don't say anything.

I don't want them to worry about me.

Let them get on with their lives,

and I'll get on with my...death.

[Workers speaking indistinctly]

Terry: I'm not being a ...

[Van doors close]

See you later, mate. Sorry it didn't work out.

What? You're leaving?

Yeah. It all got a bit...

yeah.

[Footsteps approaching]

So, Pat, I did talk to them,

but I didn't tell them about you.

I asked about them.

I figured you might like to know that your son Daley

is an accountant, he's very happy.

Carol's busy with the Bowls Club and Maurice is very sweet, too,

but...unbelievably small.

[Sighs]

Thank you.

Oh, and they called him Pat.

[Baby fussing]

Alison: Your grandson.

Pat: He's got my legs!

Pat: Guys! I got a grandson, and his name's Pat!

Oh, I'm so proud, I could burst!

Guys...this is it!

I feel great.

I think I'm moving on!

I can see the light. Can you see the light?

You're all my family in a way, and I loved you all,

apart from Julian, who I didn't really trust.

And Lady Button, you need to chill out. Just relax, OK?

And, Captain, the war's over, man. It's over, and--

Man: Oh, that's it, then, Wixy.

- Yeah. - We'll come back for the rest.

Ah, this is awkward.

No. Bye, Wixy. Bye, Kevin.

Bye, lunch folks.

Baby. That's nice.

Still don't quite know how they're made.

Oh, um...

- Huh? - And...

- What are they doing? [Monkey screeching]

Woman: Are they doing what I think they're doing?

- I think they are. - Really?

- OK, I-- - Do they love each other?

Alison: I hope so.

Terry just said they were leaving. What's going on?

The charm offensive became offensive.

So no deal on the drainage?

Well, it's sat out this long, it's not as if--

[Water rushing]

Alison: Oh, no!

Huh.

Alison.

Oh, please stop doing that.

Thomas: I was blocked, but that has passed.

I have composed a poem to express my feelings.

Alison: Sure. "Alison, we'll respect your boundaries.

It's bedtime, so we'll probably stay out of your room."

I'm dreaming that you're in love with me

like I'm in love with you,

but dreaming's all I do.

If only they'd come true,

I should be so lucky.

Lucky, lucky, lucky!

Together: I should be so lucky...

in love?

What magic is this?

Our minds are entwined. How do you know my verse?

Oh, I hate to tell you this, but that is Kylie Minogue.

What is a Kylie Min Ogue?

She's an Australian singer,

and that's one of her songs.

I think you might have heard it on the radio.

It's catchy, isn't it?

Oh! What have I done?

Please send correspondence to Miss Minogue

apologizing in the sincerest possible terms

for stealing her beautiful words.

The shame is almost too much to bear!

What have I done?!

[Alison chuckling]

What's so funny?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't help you with the drains,

never mind those ghosts.

I think this house is gonna finish us off.

No. We'll figure it out. We'll rob a bank.

You know what.

I won't let them get to me either!

Alison: Oh! The full monty!

Mike: Yeah! Here I am! Huh?

Come on! I'm not afraid of you!

Ah! Get a good look. I don't care.

Watching... will scare me.

I'm not scared!

What was that?

It's probably nothing.