Original subtitles

I love introducing myself.

In childhood, I did everything to laugh at me.

Anything.

I entertained my uncles charismatic ...

and my fashion aunts.

But above all, my parents.

My mom and dad. I loved making them laugh.

It was great to see them happy.

that's how a comedian starts.

He makes his parents laugh.

That was a long time ago. And it all started here.

My parents bought this house in 1953.

And the day came when she is no longer ours.

The year 2001 was well difficult for me.

I lost a lot of people dear ...

and still had the attack September 11th.

It was a hard blow ...

like Joe Frazier cornered me ...

and I couldn't breathe.

My shows were speeches in wake ...

of people I loved.

When someone funny you don't feel that way anymore ...

it complicates things.

1960.

Joel, six feet.

Rip, 1.75m.

And down here ...

I couldn't out of the pit.

So I went into the living room.

Here I took the first laughs ...

and I thought "If I could hear the laughter again. "

That's what Yogi Berra, my favorite philosopher said ...

"When faced with a indecisiveness in life, decide. "

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We bought a new car! Incredible.

I was the youngest boy happy in the world ...

because we bought our first new car.

And I didn't know what it was. Dad said ...

"Billy, I bought a car. surprise. Don't tell anyone.

Bring everyone out of the house ...

I will arrive with him, exactly at noon. "

So, before noon, we were all right here ...

imagining what he had bought.

Joel started. He was older, with 15 years and very practical.

"A Ford Fairlane."

Rip was 11 years old and it was already cool.

"Got crazy? Bellaire convertible ...

turquoise and white. Bellaire convertible. "

Mom was visionary. "Couldn't he wait?

They will launch the new Edsel. It is the car of the future. "

And I interrupted. Always me.

Cages and shorties always interrupt.

I was 9 years old. "Wait! He said it was a surprise.

What if it's a Cadillac? "

So my father arrived in a brand new car ...

from the dealership. A gray Plymouth Belvedere.

What idea was that? It wasn't the dream car.

But mom calmed us down and said "Honey ...

It's a beautiful long car and with start button. "

And he replaced the one car I knew.

And I was happy to see him going away...

because it was embarrassing go out with him in the city.

It was 1957. There were many cool cars.

But Crystals still they had a black Chevrolet ...

and 1948 square. Look at this thing.

It is not a family car. It's an escape car!

Sonny was shot on the bridge ...

in this car.

Why do we use this car so many years?

Two reasons. We can't buy another one.

And because my father loved him.

He took care of the car with all affection...

and kept it running every day. And gave it a name. Nellie.

Men always give woman names ...

and talk to the cars, as if they were women ...

especially in the morning. "Come on, dear. Turn around."

At the end of life, Nellie began to suffer ...

after-ignition syndrome.

It was very sad. You turned off the ignition ...

and Nellie coughed and spit few minutes later.

She looked like an old woman cursing in an argument.

"It's not me. It's you. It's not me. � you.

It's not me. � you. It's not me.

� you. � you.

� you. � you. � you. � you.

� you. � you. Get screwed. "

So we had a new car and we went for a walk and celebrated.

And where do the Jews celebrate? In the Chinese restaurant.

Our favorite place it was Wing Lu.

Excited dad loosened up a little ...

after a few drinks. Gibson vodka.

Mr. Lu passed and he shouted "What's up, Lu?"

My father laughed and Mr. Lu mumbled ...

"What an idiot."

And the gray Belvedere outside, shining in the streetlight ...

as a good Belvedere gray can do.

And we were happy, we had our first new car.

We have never been so happy. That is...

it was the perfect time to something goes very wrong.

Big John Amento was a city mobster ...

a scary gangster. It was our Lou Gabrozzi.

And we don't know that Big John was going to come into our life ...

because he drove his car, drunk ...

a Lincoln Continental 1957, anti-Semitic.

He came flying on Park Avenue ...

lost control and hit at the rear of the Belvedere ...

that hit the car from the front ...

transforming our car in a Plymouth "Belv."

The other day, we had a twisted metal ...

at the door of the house, at 549 East Park Avenue ...

in Long Beach, Long Island, NY. My home town.

At the time, a quiet beach town ...

10,000 people in winter and almost 4 or 5 million in the summer.

All clogging the beach and the street ...

with an amusement park miniature.

This was the roller coaster scary 1 meter.

But it was the perfect place to grow...

with President Eisenhower and his wife Mamie ...

that was too old to use bangs.

It looks like the fringe jumped out of his head ...

for her head.

The only woman who had hair like that ...

was the mayor's wife from Munchkin City.

Long Beach was the city healthiest in the USA ...

but not that morning. We sat in the living room ...

mourning the new car. "I answer."

I always answered, thinking that one day ...

someone would come to take me to Hollywood.

I opened the door and what did I see?

An overcoat, a neck and an eyebrow.

It was Big John Amento.

"Can I see the father, please?"

"The father? Sorry. We are not Catholic.

Dad! Big John Amento. He's going to kill us!

We are fried! " "Billy, stop the drama.

He won't do anything. He just wants to talk.

It's all right. Let him in. " "Me? I'm 9 years old!

I have a whole life ahead! "

Later, my performance has improved.

"Please, Dad. Don't you know me? I'm the boy. I'm Porgy.

And Porgy has no legs.

And it's too far for those who have no legs. "

Bess, you are mine woman now

"You are crazy. Get up and let him in. "

"Am I crazy? Come on sleep with the fish ...

and am I crazy?

I found it. In between." He followed me into the living room.

We're still working on it.

"How are you, Mr. Crystal and Mrs. Crystal?

How are you, boys? I'm John Amento.

But what happened yesterday It was an accident.

I didn't mean it. If it was my intention ...

it would be a posthumous visit, understood?

So I talked about it with my partners ...

and we decided to do something special for you. "

"Special? This will not be accurate.

We will trigger the insurance. "

"We are the insurance company! Now that.

I asked about you. You are dear and respected.

Everyone likes their family.

Here's what we'll do. I'll buy a new car.

The car you want. You can choose. "

That was too much!

The car we wanted. We can choose!

"Dad, listen to my brain. Corvette! Corvette! "

"Let's fix the car." "Damn it!"

"A little question, Mr. K."

Some delayed to understand.

It's not such a good joke. There are other better ones.

But I'm just testing.

� the first round, just a few punches ...

and frankly, you they need to train more.

But back to the piece!

"Did you decline my offer? It's not a good idea.

It bothers me and confuses me ...

and that's why I stay upset and confused.

Why do you don't you want a new car? "

"Because, Mr. Amento, I bought this car. "

The thing got tense.

Joe looked at Rip, Rip looked at me ...

I looked at mom, she looked at dad ...

and she smiled in a way that I will never forget.

She came to Dad, so embraced him ...

and they smiled together for Big John Amento.

These are my parents.

Two weeks later, the car came back.

Big John understood it, the car was fine.

We open the luggage rack to see if there was no corpse.

We sit down in the usual places.

Me in front, my parents and my brothers back.

They put me in front to provoke.

"You don't need of legroom. "

Not yet accurate.

I would sit in the middle, between my parents ...

my mother used to pass her arm left behind me ...

and supported him on the shoulder husband's right ...

while he was driving. Just to touch it, you know?

I was in the middle and looked at my father ...

my first hero, while he was driving.

It looked like he drove a Rolls Royce or a Bentley.

I never thought it was a gray Plymouth Belvedere.

That was my father. He worked hard for us.

I had two jobs, Sometimes three ...

including friday and Saturday night.

The only day he stayed it was Sunday.

On Sundays, my brothers and I did a show ...

for him to laugh. �amos to the Long Beach boardwalk ...

enjoy toys, hitting baseballs ...

play golf, watch a movie ...

or even a Broadway show.

And Sundays started early for me, at 4am ...

when daddy arrived of work on Saturday.

He arrived with the car ...

my room was near the garage ...

and I felt the car arriving at the entrance.

He would turn off the engine and stopped in neutral ...

so as not to wake us up. I knew he was here.

So, I couldn't sleep more.

And when the sun rose ...

I was on tiptoe to their room ...

that was next to mine.

And I pushed the door to open it a little ...

and spy on my parents lying together ...

at peace and quiet.

And I would sit there, waiting for you to wake up.

I couldn't wait on Sundays.

And he died out of nowhere, when I was 15 years old.

So I calculated something around 700 Sundays.

That's it. 700 Sundays.

There is not much time for a son stay with the father.

First Sunday. I was born!

Sunday, March 14, 1948.

If you do the math, I am 47 years old.

7:30 am. They said my delivery was difficult.

"Push, dear. The baby is leaving! "

"I'm pushing." "How it feels?"

"As if a train leaves of my ass! "

"He's coming back!"

Get out! I was born!

Someone hits my butt. Nice reception!

They cut the cord and put me on an icy scale.

"It passed a little bit, Do you still want it?

Take the password."

Second Sunday. My circumcision.

That was slutty.

It's a bad way to start life.

I had 3.8 kg and was naked on a pillow ...

like a cooked chicken. I'm taken from the family ...

by a bearded and bad breath.

"How are you?" He puts me on the table ...

take a razor and cut a piece of my penis ...

15 or 20 centimeters.

"Wow, how hard.

Mary, bring the electric knife.

Get away. When I shout "wood" ...

it will fall.

Ready! See the size. It's a blanket.

Bull! Bull!

Murray, see. I'm the Super-Jew!

Jack, cover the car. I think it's going to rain."

And I cry out in pain. "My penis! My penis!"

And uncle Herman shout "Let's eat!"

Because we learn soon that in �diche ...

bris Is a prefix of "cookie".

On Sunday 3 Jack and Ellen take me home ...

and introduce me to crazy people, manaceans ...

and without notion: my family.

A very eclectic group of Germans, Russians ...

and Austrians who came to the USA with the same goal ...

live the American dream. And they only spoke diche ...

a mix of German with mucus.

It is not a language, It's an infection, you know?

� guilty pleurisy.

They stayed in the room, coughing out the words.

Coughing like that.

So they used plastic film at all.

I wore raincoat up to 27 years.

Precise, a guttural language ...

and these people eat and speak at the same time.

If someone eats yogurt in front of you...

run away.

"The furrier is an idiot. The furrier is an idiot.

He's an idiot. It's the furrier. Idiot.

It's a stupid furrier.

Retail!"

"Brooklyn Dodgers? Screw them! "

You end up wearing what they ate.

And if it's a blue suit, you’ll become a Jackson Pollack.

We all have relatives favorites, right?

That happens. And with me too.

I had my favorites, like my aunt Sheila.

A beautiful woman, isn't it?

She was my hero. He spoke the truth.

Aunt Sheila was frank. Some said that she talked too much.

But that's why I liked her.

She and my uncle Leonard lived in Boca Raton.

What a shock!

She smoked all day and spoke like this ...

"Leonard, get the car. Leonard, get the car.

My new hip is going to rust. Take the damn car.

Leonard, it's almost 1:30. I don't want to be late for dinner.

Take the damn car! "

�-: Her eldest daughter it was my cousin Julie.

We were very close and Julie is a lesbian.

And years ago, when the gay union ...

was legalized in S�o Francisco Julie got married. It was fantastic.

Everyone was happy. And Sheila went there ...

just for the wedding. And it was great ...

but her generation you don't understand this well ...

and was proven by her call to her friend Reba ...

to talk about the wedding.

"Hello, Reba. Julie got married yesterday.

With her mate.

That's what they call it. "Companions".

No. Tonto was s� a faithful friend.

They threw a party. And you know, at the end of the party ...

No, dear.

They don't step on the glass and shout L'chaim .

It was not a Jewish festival. It was "lesbiteriana".

Leonard, get the car! "

And then, my uncle Jack. I adore him.

One side of the face was paralyzed. So he was like that.

Every morning he came to the coffee and said ...

"Who will eat waffle with me?

Let's eat waffle. Who wants?

Let's eat waffle. I need a waffle.

Who wants a waffle? No one?

Why nobody wants eat waffle? "

"Why don't you see yours as mouth stays when you eat! "

I adore him. The worst for him � that for a joking boy ...

his face was quite a present.

So I called him of Uncle Picasso.

But he called me in a corner ...

and told dirty jokes. Very dirty.

And I never could run away from him ...

because that face it was scary.

It was the Jewish Ghost of the family opera.

Slow down, dear

And he pushed me against the fridge ...

and told a joke.

"Billy!

I have a great one for you.

A couple for the car near the cemetery.

They kiss, get excited ...

and decide to make a schtup .

Schtup . Make love.

Get laid, got it?

But the car is small.

They enter the cemetery, take off your clothes ...

he puts it in a tomb, stay there all night ...

and she hurts her back. The next day she goes to the doctor.

He examines it and says "Honey, how old are you?"

She says "I am 22 years old."

"Strange. Your ass says that you died in 1931.

Understood? Her back were marked.

Tell your friends of the school. "

In this Long Beach house ...

I grew up with a family who lived with us.

It was another family, besides the one I talked about.

But this family it never got hot.

They stayed on theirs. They didn't speak diche ...

but a language that they invented themselves.

It was the language of jive , the cool ones.

They also smoked but they were unbranded cigarettes.

Because they were musicians.

The most jazzy cool and cool of the time.

The house smelled of bread and whiskey.

They were Jews and jazz forever in the house.

My bar mitzvah turned an improvised show.

And why was it weird? The jazz musicians said ...

"Give me $ 5." And my people "You owe me $ 5!"

The family business it was jazz.

My father was a manager from a record store ...

in NY, at 42nd Street, in front of the Chrysler.

It was the Commodore Music Shop.

Originally, Commodore it was a hardware store ...

of my grandfather, Julius Gabler ...

that sold items for home and radio.

Your eldest son Milt, who didn't just become my uncle ...

but my mentor in life and in my career ...

worked at the store, after high school.

One day, he arrives at the store, turn on one of the radios ...

who played Bix Beiderbecke, from Dixieland ...

and falls in love with music.

So much so that he lied to his father ...

and said he was going to study At night with friends.

But Milt is hidden, I would take the train to the Village ...

just to go to clubs of jazz that was out there.

So he was going to 52nd St., the swing street ...

to the clubs and listen to good music.

And he was going to Harlem to meet the musicians ...

who came from New Orleans, Kansas City and Chicago.

And after years of that, in love with music ...

and after meeting so many musicians ...

he goes to the store and tells his father "Dad!" "Milt, don't scare me like that.

I thought it was a Cossack. Already tell the neighbors' hideout.

What's it?" "Dad, I had an idea.

I want to produce jazz records. We can sell them here at the store. "

"Milt, I hate jazz. Why do you want to do that? "

"We are going to make a lot of money." "I'm in!"

And in January 1938, Milt calls his friend ...

a guitarist from chicago called Eddie Conden.

And the band was The Windy City Seven.

They go to a stadium close by ...

and Milt does something that never did in life.

It produces 2 discs.

And the music Love is Just Around the Corner .

And so the record company is born of jazz Commodore ...

the first record company independent jazz in the world.

And the records became a success.

So much so that in a short time, Milt produces 95 albums ...

and today, many have become collector's items.

And the artists line up for record...

with the brilliant producer record label.

And their big star it was Billie Holiday.

Billie recorded her best discs at Commodore.

Music like Embraceable You , Fond and Mellow ...

My Man and Lover Man .

But his single more important...

not the greatest success, but the most important...

was Strange Fruit . You should know.

Otherwise, at that time, this song was considered ...

one of the first songs US protest.

She had a strong handwriting about the lynching of blacks in the south.

"The southern trees they give strange fruits.

Blood on leaves and roots.

Black bodies hanging down South breeze.

Strange fruits hanging in the fields. "

Nobody wanted to record it. No one would touch it.

Frustrated, Billie searches your producer friend ...

my uncle Milt. And according to legend ...

she went to Commodore, after hours ...

sat with Milt and sang the chapel ...

with that painful voice and painful handwriting.

He said "Billie, this is important and must be heard! "

And here they are, 75 years ago, when recording Strange Fruit .

Billie Holiday, the legendary black jazz artist ...

and my white, chubby and Jewish uncle Milt ...

together, recording Strange Fruit , a song that in 1999 ...

Time Magazine would call of "song of the century".

The original recording is at the Smithsonian.

But with pride that I say ...

that she is ours record label, Commodore.

And with the success of the records it's from Strange Fruit ...

that small store 2.7m wide ...

becomes the center of jazz in New York.

And the big labels start calling Milt.

In 1941, he leaves the store ...

and the record company command to my father...

his brother-in-law. Milt will for Decca Records ...

where from 1941 to 1973 ...

he builds an excellent career.

The high school dreamer goes for the Grammy Hall of Fame ...

with 35 gold records and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ...

because the pioneer jazz records record ...

Rock Around the Clock , Bill Haley and the Comets.

Incredible career. Milton was the celebrity of the family ...

but the store was the place daddy's favorite.

Joel, Rip and I loved each other work with him.

Never forget me. I was 5 years old.

A special gift. I went to work with Dad.

He straightened me up and put a pink carnation on my lapel.

We continue towards Nelly and we went to New York.

We arrived on the expressway, I saw the buildings from afar ...

and I thought "I'm going to the Emerald City. "

And we never know who would be in the store.

We entered and Louis Armstrong was there ...

Count Basie and Duke Ellington.

Rosemary Clooney I always went to the store and said ...

"My nephew is the child sexiest in the world. "

That day, I entered With my dad...

with jazz playing, and he puts me in a booth.

Where people listened and decided which disc it would take.

I was on a stool and listened to all kinds of music.

I looked through the glass and saw daddy serve customers.

He looked very important for everyone.

So it was already 12:45.

He taps on the glass and says "Time for lunch."

And it was the 1st time I had lunch alone with my father.

So we left the store and turn right at 42nd Street ...

that is, to the west.

And so we went through Commodore Hotel ...

which the store got its name from.

So we went together � Grand Central Station.

We followed the crowd, we passed the oyster bar ...

we go up the ramp and we entered the lobby ...

with all those people waiting for whatever.

And I think "It's my birthday.

Because I am at a train station? "

So he says "Billy, see the ceiling.

I always have lunch here and wanted to show you.

Isn't it too much? Happy birthday, son. "

It is magnificent. � a map of the constellations ...

stars, galaxies and the universe ...

that didn't seem to end anymore.

It was the best birthday that I already had ...

sitting on a bench With my dad...

eating one Edith's hot dog ...

under a beautiful sky of fake stars.

This anniversary it was a Friday.

When the store closed, I won a gift.

Dad took me to another job of his.

Since the late 1940s ...

my father produced shows Jazz on the Lower East Side ...

on 2nd Avenue with 6th Street.

It was a salon where weddings and bar mitzvahs.

The name was Central Plaza.

He started renting it On Fridays and Saturdays ...

to do something that was legendary on the jazz scene ...

and what he called just from "The Sessions".

Everyone played there. And with the rise of rock ...

the Central Plaza became the only place ...

where the stars of Dixieland they played that genre.

And the university students went to dance ...

because before rock and swing, this was the fashion.

The shows started at 19h and ended at 3am ...

usually with the big Chicago trumpeter ...

Jimmy McPartman ...

who played When the Saints Go Marching In .

My father was very happy there. Why not?

Because he didn't sell only the discs.

He was working with the artists and said ...

that jazz was the only art genuinely American.

People called, wanting to play there ...

and my father mixed them as a scientist ...

always behind the sound and the perfect mix.

Years ago, the NY Times did a retrospective ...

from my father's work at the Central Plaza.

And they quoted him as "the Rickey Branch of jazz."

As I read, I was proud. They wanted to say ...

that my father was a of the first producers ...

to integrate the bands, with whites and blacks.

This was not common ...

even in New York, in the 40s and 50s ...

when jazz and Central Plaza were at the apex.

And the musicians adored him because of this.

And he too. There ...

they were the others his children.

If my dad won $ 1, he gave them 75 cents.

So we had a gray Belvedere.

But that night I met my father's secret life.

He said to me "Stay there. I need to do something.

Can you take care of him? I'll be right back. "

He should present the show and I didn't know he did that.

I was only 5 years old, and suddenly, he's on stage ...

with a microphone, saluting the public.

He was smart and charming and had the audience in the palm of the hand.

I was little, but I already felt ...

the importance of it being the subject...

that presented that music for the world ...

and also being, for musicians ...

the guy who did that.

I presented the Grammy three times before the other show.

And at all times, I channeled it ...

because i did like him it was decades ago ...

but presenting the great musicians of my time.

And that night, on my birthday ...

for the 1st time, I did a show for a public.

I was backstage with fantastic musicians ...

which my father used to say who had "great souls".

And great nicknames too. Willie "The Lion" Smith ...

Wild Bill Davison, Cutty Cutshall ...

Big Chief Russell Moore and Wingy Manone.

This is Roy Eldridge, a fantastic trumpeter ...

but he was not tall.

So, his nickname it was Little Jazz.

Upon meeting me ...

he called me by Nanico Jazz.

The others called me of face. It was my nickname.

Drummer Zutty Singleton gave me the nickname.

He called me that because I made their faces.

I imitated them. Look at these faces.

What boy would not imitate?

And I started that night, in the band room.

Someone put a box saxophone on the floor ...

and that was a stage.

"Zutty, come see what Face knows how to do!

Face, tell the joke that I talked about Zutty.

"The couple was standing still near the cemetery. "

"I like that joke ...

but tell me what I said about Zutty. "

"Zutty will cut his hair and ask the barber ...

the cut price. He says 2 dollars.

What about shaving? To scratch, $ 1.

Very well then, can scrape. "

"Did you hear, Zutty? He caught you, tough guy!

Face, that was too much.

Do you understand? I know I would understand. "

So, they go on stage, start playing ...

and I was in Heaven. I was 5 years old ...

but I understood my father and my uncle on the spot.

I fell in love by Dixieland's jazz.

For me, it's music world's happiest ...

but be 3m from the biggest musicians of the world ...

playing like that ...

and I couldn't help it.

I went up on stage, I was in the middle of them and I started tap dancing like crazy.

They acted like I was part of the show.

My mother tapped very well and tried to teach me ...

but I was just tap dancing with the right leg.

The left did not move.

My father took the camera and filmed everything.

I continued.

I did everything I could, but I ran out of steps.

I only had one. So it was pretty quick.

I remembered what Mom said. "If it gets difficult, finish it."

So, walk away like that, like crazy ...

I made a star, I got on my knees ...

and spread my arms. The staff went crazy ...

and since then, I do presentations in public.

I will say. Run away from the stage to my father ...

And he says "Billy, that was awesome!

When listening to the music, you can't stand still. "

Once, my father was producing ...

a Billie Holiday show, on the Lower East Side ...

and I was very blessed for meeting her at the time ...

because of her relationship with my uncle and my father.

Billie Holiday called me of "Mr. Billy".

And I called her of "Mrs. Billie".

When she finished to rehearse with the band ...

she had 3 free hours before the show starts.

So she looked at me and said something ...

that changed my life.

"Mr. Billy, come. Let's go to the movies."

So, Billie Holiday and I went down 2nd Ave ...

and after Central Plaza, right next to ...

there was a movie called Loew's Commodore.

In the 60s, he was famous as the Fillmore East.

And sitting on your lap Billie Holiday ...

I saw my first film. The Brutes Also Love .

With Alan Ladd, Van Heflin and Jean Arthur.

And Jack Palance!

And the boy, Brandon De Wilde ...

that I thought looked like me proved that even softly ...

I could be quite tall. At the end from the movie, Shane runs off ...

and he, crying like me, run behind and scream ...

Shane!

Come back!

And Billie whispered in my ear...

"He won't be coming back."

But you know what?

It was a Sunday.

Thanks.

I'm a lucky boy.

Once, my grandmother told Louis Armstrong ...

at a Seder dinner ...

"Louis, have you tried cough to get it out? "

She was great. My grandmother, Susie Gabler.

And she was big. Very big.

She already came to fruition 3 electoral votes.

She was big. But very funny.

Almost a comedian and very insightful.

She solved everything very skillfully.

Once ... Can I count?

I arrived suddenly and she was naked.

Believe. I know.

She did better than me.

"I bet you found it who would never see this! "

I was 35 ...

and never seen nothing like that.

Her husband was my grandfather Julius.

Julius was not so fun like her.

This is him, laughing.

But he was cool ...

despite a small hearing problem.

We try to get a hearing aid ...

with one of your contacts from the Commodore Music Shop.

Every week, he tested a new device.

I always did that to him.

"So, grandma ... I hope this is ...

or the other ... but you know ...

they don't know ... or can we ...

Testing. One, four. Testing. Four.

You know ... a song ... "

"Damn it, Billy. Another crap!"

His visits were great.

The house was small and the walls were very thin.

He woke up at 7am and we would wake up with him.

He was a Jewish rooster non-practitioner at 7am.

"Socialism."

The problem was that he I didn't hear anything.

And for a little boy ...

this sound is the most funny of all.

He would shake and I would laugh a lot. And he continued to speak.

"Billy, I think ...

I need...

I need to buy bread ...

and get the clothes.

What a burning smell. What is that?

Why are you so far? Come here.

I need to go back at 5pm ...

because your grandmother will cabbage soup.

What came into you and died? Is everything okay? "

I loved drinking coffee� in the morning with my grandfather.

Every day at 8am, we had coffee together.

And that's when I started to learn about life ...

because of the beautiful his Austrian optimism.

For him, the glass was always half full ...

of some poison.

I stayed in the kitchen, waiting for him to come down.

Every day, he went down wearing the same outfit.

Tank top, shorts ...

and some testicle coming out from the side.

Just a little bit, showing up there ...

hanging done a lava lamp.

Just a little.

Enough to terrify me!

"What is that? I don't have that!

Damn it. Am I going to have that?

I don't want to!

What is that? Joe the Grandpa have an octopus in shorts! "

And sometimes gravity it got a little worse.

Sometimes, from behind he looked like a Great Dane leaving.

"Crap. Damn it."

You saw my grandfather.

"Good morning, Bill. Good morning.

What's the deal? Why are you laughing?

What's the deal? Say it.

It's 8am. Nothing has thanks to that hour.

What's it?

You are a very happy boy.

That worries me.

Billy, I've been thinking.

You are already 8 years old. What are you going to do with your life?

You should already know. At 9 years old ...

I didn't live yet In the USA.

I lived in Austria, in the village of ...

Burg.

And my parents wanted a better future for me ...

and they put me on a ship, the SS Rotterdam.

And I crossed the Atlantic alone, at 9 years old.

I arrived at Ellis Island on August 3, 1904.

The next day, I already had a job.

I had a cart to push ...

and I pushed it. Therefore, that name.

Pushing the cart. Pushing the cart.

And after one month pushing that ...

I thought "Idiot. Put something in it. "

I pushed a cart empty and won nothing!

A plan was missing. You must plan your life.

So, with 2 cents I bought a cloth ...

but I tore it in half, I sold them both for $ 0.05 ...

and I made a profit. So, I got it how it worked.

I tore a cloth, sold for more ...

and kept the money. Rip, sell and save.

Rip, sell and save. And over time ...

I managed to buy my first store ...

to sell dresses on Fulton Street.

It was my biggest pride in life.

But the store was too small, I needed the store next door.

A�, I started to work harder and I didn't waste my money.

I ate wood and drank sand.

And over time, I bought the store next door ...

I dropped everything, I expanded my store.

Then I bought four more stores ...

I dropped everything and expanded until occupying the block.

They were the first Brooklyn apartments.

And when I saved a lot of money...

I carried out my plan. I crossed the Atlantic again ...

and brought my family to live in the USA.

And I completed 10 years. But you ... "

And I believed him.

How not to believe? It is a beautiful story.

About a boy who won in life.

My grandfather turned my great hero.

But at 8 ...

� when we started collecting heroes.

May 30, 1956.

My father takes us to our 1st game at Yankee Stadium.

We drive by the elevated from Jerome Avenue in the Bronx ...

and the sun tried to appear behind the rails.

We stopped in the parking lot and I was looking for the field.

"Dad, where's the field?" He said "It's over there."

"In that building?"

"Come on, guys." And we ran.

On the way, it was increasingly cool.

"Software! Tickets, please.

Well, no. Have fun, boy. " I was in the crowd.

Shirt Men and tie ...

towards "ceremonial" of the 2 games.

I was 8 years old, It was THIS big...

and held the hand from my father...

as he crossed so dark tunnels ...

that I saw nothing, but I could hear ...

the sound of something great about to happen.

I smelled hot dog ...

beer and mustard mixed with concrete.

Suddenly, we were inside.

Dad filmed everything with his camera to never leave memory.

But how was it possible? The green of the lawn ...

that beautiful field ...

the bases shining in the sun like giant marshmallows.

The Washington Senators warming up on one side ...

and the Yankees on the other. Very beautiful.

Our TV was in black and white.

That was my first color game.

We stayed in the chair Louis Armstrong.

I sat down on my knees, I couldn't see.

There was a huge priest at the front. in a black suit and white collar.

But in the 4th inning, Mickey Mantle, 25 years, a uniformed Elvis ...

hitting left ...

makes the home run longer of the history of the stadium ...

that hits the facade of the copper roof ...

180m away.

And while the ball crossed the sky ...

the priest gets up and won't let me see my first home run.

And I only hear you "Jesus Christ!"

In the 7� inning, Mickey hits a triple ...

runs to the 3rd base, like a fugitive ...

and I shouted "Mickey! Mickey!" And he looked at me.

There he is, number 7, under that sun.

And soon I decided. I wanted so much be Mickey Mantle ...

that I just walked like him, limping.

I spoke at my bar mitzvah Oklahoma fashion.

And my brothers and I we played baseball ...

I would like to be Yankees player.

And on Sundays, my father took me to a field ...

to teach me how to hit a curved ball.

My father was a launcher in college ...

and launched a great curved ball.

And the whole summer I couldn't get it right.

"Hey, Billy. Do not rotate the body too much.

You have no strength, so don't try to pull the ball.

In this game, you need to stay at the base.

So wait and hit back to the right.

Wait and hit back to the right."

Summer gave way to October, the leaves changed color ...

it was the mood of the World Series and I still didn't get it right.

"Wait". And it was already November.

"Wait". It was December and we were still there.

It's hard to get it right a curved ball ...

but hit the snow?

"Billy, you can do it.

Your brothers are freezing. Let's go."

"Wait."

"Now, yes. Again."

"Wait."

Thanks. My father did all these films ...

and I'm glad I I can use them ...

otherwise, I would only half the show.

He was ours documentary filmmaker.

He took the camera everywhere ...

and it's great to have these films. My children saw it, their grandchildren will see ...

and know who came before all of us.

And he had a relationship different with each one ...

with that 8mm camera.

My favorite is the relationship him with my uncle Danny.

Danny at the barbecue ...

The best movie of the year, in all years.

My father filmed my uncle on the barbecue ...

on Sunday of July 4, 1957.

It's a silent film 3 minutes ...

and without me saying anything, it will tell everything ...

about my family. Want to see?

You have no choice. I will show.

Let's turn off the light and show this film ...

the 1957 barbecue, right now. Thanks.

At 3 pm on Sunday, my father I took the mandolin and played it.

He sat in the corner of the sofa ...

near the window.

The sun passed shutters ...

making it look like it touched a mandolin on a chain.

We always expected it touch...

even losing one hour on Sunday ...

because he was so happy playing ...

that everyone left him alone, except me.

I came down the hall and before reaching the room ...

there was a column where I could hide.

I would take a look ...

just to see my father playing the mandolin ...

At 3pm on Sunday. I don't think he ever saw me.

But I always thought he knew I was there.

My father was very quiet.

He had a great sense humorous, insightful and dry.

He knew what was funny. His smile was gentle and sweet.

Everyone loved him.

But just as he was kind to people ...

Sometimes at home, his mood changed.

He was witty.

But my mother had the smile of Times Square.

It was the family light. He sang and danced ...

and could be a great actress.

They met at Macy's in the 1930s ...

when they worked there. Dad, in the Dept. Legal ...

and she at Armarinho. She had a balcony ...

where he sold thoughts, concepts and ideas.

They were a beautiful couple.

Mom was emotional, romantic dad.

Every Sunday morning, on the kitchen table ...

there was a vase with s� a red rose ...

and a card that said "Forever yours. Jack."

They always embraced and kissed on the cheek ...

and we never stayed embarrassed ...

neither do they.

It's nice to know that they they were always in love.

And when he finished playing, it ended with a flourish ...

put the mandolin in a beautiful box ...

and took a book by Will Durant ...

The Life of Greece .

My father was fascinated by the Greeks ...

and found the biggest civilization of all.

All about the Greeks interested him.

He loved to read about democracy ...

the mythology, the pieces, the tragedies, the comedy ...

the squirrel books, Eur�pides and Arist�fanes ...

and knew a lot the islands well.

It was like he had lived in Mykonos ...

or Crete, or Santorini.

And when we could do our first trip ...

with the family together, there was only one destiny ...

Catskills.

Inside the Belvedere we went north ...

towards the mountains of Catskills ...

land of Rip Van Winkle, of the Knight Without Head ...

and Jews who had no money to go to Hawaii�.

Where the miserable people from the city arrived in 2 hours ...

to be miserable in the countryside.

If Osama Bin Laden if you hid there ...

someone would tell him "So, are you single?"

The hotel was Kutcher's. There was a lake and a huge pool.

It was a lot of space for me turn on your side and pee.

The restaurant was intense.

There were a thousand Jews eating like vikings.

And each dish came with a complaint.

"I didn't ask for this. I ordered chops. "

That trip would change my life.

That's when I learned hating the countryside.

I saw my parents dancing mambo together.

And we saw Bellboy # 1 from Kutcher's, Wilt Chamberlain ...

in a uniform Harlem Globetrotters.

But on Saturday nights the comedian was the king.

I had never seen a comedy show.

And along with my parents, we entered the Kutcher's nightclub ...

and that's when I saw my first comedian.

"Good night, ladies and Jews.

I got home and my woman was in bed ...

with my best friend. I said "Lenny, I'm obliged, are you?"

A guy goes to the doctor and says he has 5 penis.

-And how does your pants fit you? Like a glove. "

I saw a boy in the pool touching the testicles.

He says "Mom, is it my brain?" She says "Not yet."

He dominated the stage as panther dressed as a shark.

He was amazing and ended up with the public.

They shrunk 15cm when the show was over.

I was only 9 years old, I had a crack and said ...

"Look at him. Look.

I would never play like Mickey Mantle, but this ...

I can do it!"

I decorated his show at the same time.

On the weekend, the relatives would visit us ...

and there were 40 or 50 people in the room ...

and for me, that was "Show time!"

My first stand-up but I I had nothing prepared.

So I used the same show I saw at Kutcher's ...

and changed some things to suit my audience.

"Good night, Jewish family.

Grandma had a rough night. He came home ...

and found grandma in bed with Uncle Mack.

So he said "Mack, I am obliged.

What's new? "

Uncle Barney said that bought a new pair of pants.

"And how did they look?"

"I can't get dressed. I have five penis! "

It is difficult.

The doctor said to Uncle Picasso ...

"Jack, I want a sample of urine, blood and feces. "

He said "Okay. I will leave my underwear here. "

You were a great family. Good evening everyone. My God!

I ran to the room. I didn't understand what happened.

Laughter entered my blood and fate had caught me.

I was only 9 years old and I already knew what I wanted to be.

I would be a comedian. There was no way.

I was very happy! More ...

I heard my parents in their room ...

right next to mine. The walls were thin.

"Jack, talk to him. Five penis? Did he say that?

I don't know if Barney have a penis ...

and now, he has five? What was this?"

"He decorated the show and modified it. It was smart. "

"Intelligent? My mother is crying.

Make love to Uncle Mack? He's her brother-in-law. "

"It was a joke. I thought it was funny. "

"Urine, blood and feces Is it funny for you?

I made a lot of food and nobody wanted to eat.

Talk to Billy today. " "I will speak."

"Talk to him today."

"I will talk to him, but not today.

Did you see how happy he was?

I promise I will speak with him tomorrow. "

I heard everything and I was devastated.

But I learned a lesson.

Thicker walls! Who needs to hear this?

The next day, my father came to talk.

"Billy? Billy. You were very funny!

But you know, you must meet your audience. "

"Dad, I want to be a comedian. Is it crazy that I want this?

I loved it. Are you crazy? "

"No. You can be a comedian.

And I will help you because I believe in you. "

The next day, he started helping me.

He brought something from the store who found it perfect ...

for a little boy I wanted to thank you.

"It's a tape recorder."

It was a recorder with a microphone.

Now the room was overturned my room.

I could give a show in the room ...

but with the recorder, I could hear you.

I would train my imitations ...

like that of Edward G. Robinson in The ten Commandments .

"Where is yours Messiah now? "

The recorder was used to I train my timing .

And my father would show me the TV comedians ...

to inspire me. I could even sleep late in the week ...

to see the best, like Ernie Kovacs.

Or Steve Allen with Tom Post, Don Knotts and Louis Nye.

Or the best of all, Sid Caesar ...

with Carl Reiner, Imogene Coca and Howard Morris.

And every Sunday night Ed Sullivan received a comedian, right?

And it was always Alan King.

It was Phil Silvers like Sergeant Bilko ...

and The Honeymooners , with Gleason and Carney.

So my father brought home...

someone more funny than the TV giants ...

your little brother.

It was the first time that I saw my crazy uncle Bern.

He was crazy. 1.90m and 108kg of fun.

An uncle to play with. He looked like Hemingway ...

but it had the personality from Zero Mostel.

One day, my father brought a comedy disc ...

of Spike Jones and his band called The City Slickers.

I played for Uncle Bern and said "Fun, isn't it?"

"Billy, it's perfect. Duble and show it to the family. "

And I dubbed it.

Thanks.

So this is what I I did from 9 to 14 years old.

I noticed that I just wanted be two things ...

a comedian or a Yankees player.

Or a Yankees player very funny.

But I discovered something that made me forget about the Yankees ...

and everything I liked.

That's when I found out my penis.

You too?

Not mine. Only I discovered mine.

I would remember.

And I discovered it a lot. 6, 7, 8, 10 times a day.

What's the record? Does anyone know?

And it is not a good addiction.

The penis is a weapon self-destruct.

Of course. That little boy, great, i would say ...

caused many problems throughout history.

Think. Thomas Jefferson had several cases.

With your friend Strom Thurmond ...

it was the same thing.

Why great men? The power goes straight down there.

There were several. Kennedy, Clinton and Eisenhower ...

had cases. Even FDR had cases.

I can't understand. Serious.

If you can have sex with Eleanor Roosevelt ...

every night...

"Where are you going?"

He pretended he was just paralyzed so I don't have to have sex with her.

What's it? Too early?

And now I had this problem in the hands.

When puberty hit me ...

I got possessed. The hormones screamed.

I was always ready. "Now now."

And I felt horny about everything. "A bagel." "Now."

Once.

But only once.

It had poppy seed and almost tore me up.

"How stupid."

But we do stupid things at 15 years old.

We are very strange at 15 years old.

We are not pretty.

We have the mustache like a mustache.

It looks like an anchovy over the lip.

And we have Ed Wynn's voice.

"How are you?

How are you?

How are you? I'm a ghost ...

with a monster living in the pants. "

"Now now."

That's when I saw the girl.

"Now."

It wasn't hard. "Lie."

It was something else. It was love.

"Well, you are talking to me."

Stop this.

It was the most beautiful thing that I had already seen.

Blonde with freckles. AND cheerleader .

"Let me go there." Shut up.

And I asked her out. I went to her and said ...

"How are you?

I'm Billy Crystal and I don't know you.

I saw her and if you are free on Friday ... "

"Walk long." "I'm trying.

If you are free on Friday Do you want to go out with me?"

"Now yes."

My first encounter in life.

I was going home at the age of 15 ...

and I was so crazy that I remembered the address.

I walked around the neighborhood, lost...

"Enter to the left." "Thank you. I ..."

It is the first GPS.

"You arrived to your destination. "

"Leave me alone." "Never."

"You are mine."

I went to the door and I was terrified.

"Let me ring the bell.

Forget it. I'm going to hit. "

If they didn't cut the 20cm ...

I would have brought down the house.

We started to leave and it was the 1st time of all.

Kiss one girl at the cinema ...

in the box Laurel Theater.

What is most romantic what is that?

"Now." After, in a friend's car ...

at a Freeport drive-in, Long Island.

"Now." She was perfect. "Now."

So, I told her "You know, I love you.

I love you very much. Let's date seriously. "

"Billy, I like it a lot of you as a friend. "

"Really? I thought ..." "Billy, I like you.

But not that way. "

"What about me?"

"I understand well...

what can I say? See you at school?

It's all right. See you. "

I was rejected for the first time.

I said I loved her and that he liked her.

What did I get in return? "I don't feel the same way about you."

It hurt even in the soul.

I crawled around the house all week.

I just thought on that girl.

Tuesday night, October 15, 1963.

I was in the kitchen, studying for a test ...

it was the next morning and I didn't give a damn.

Why? Why should I call Chemistry?

I had lost the girl.

And who cares about Chemistry? Why do we study this?

Is there a chemist here?

See? They never show up!

Because I studying Chemistry?

That would matter in my life?

Would I talk about this with anyone?

Or someone would ask "Billy, what's the lead?"

So I was studying Chemistry ...

and each page turned, I saw the girl's face.

My parents came say goodnight.

They went to the bowling tournament of having at the Long Beach Bowl.

They had a lot of fun in this tournament ...

but honestly, it was their only fun ...

because things had changed for the worse.

Commodore Music Shop had closed.

She couldn't compete with discount stores ...

that invaded New York.

That Sam Goody's opened on 42nd Street.

Our store was straight ahead ...

and she swallowed us, like a whale.

In an instant, they were gone decades of music ...

and musicians, laughter and legends. Gone. In the name of progress.

And the music I loved, Coleman Hawkins ...

Ben Webster and Sydney Bechet was replaced ...

by Duprees, Earls, Shirelles and Beach Boys.

And these giants original jazz ...

men and women who gave birth ...

� music we have until today ...

started playing in parks ...

wearing alloy on the sleeve and straw hats.

My father was 54 years old and I was scared.

Joel and Rip went to college at the same time.

For the first time, my father was out of a job.

He still did the shows Friday and Saturday ...

but it gave a large part from money to musicians ...

for them to survive. I don't know how we managed at the time.

I don't know how we did it. So, one night ...

the bell rang and I went to answer ...

because I always answered.

He was a nervous guy, asking for dad.

They went to where the garage was.

I didn't like that. There was something wrong.

So, I went after and I saw from a distance ...

my father selling his personal collection ...

of jazz classics.

All 95 albums intact originals ...

for 500 dollars.

Mom said it was the only one time you saw daddy cry.

And upon returning to the kitchen ...

he was worried, upset...

and when you saw me traveling on the girl ...

he got mad.

"Billy, try to pass in the race tomorrow.

In all of them! Improve your grades.

I don't have money to pay for your studies!

You know what? I'm unemployed!

If you were to college today ...

I couldn't afford it. It embarrasses me.

I used life insurance to pay Joel and Rip's college.

How will I pay when is your turn?

Help me, boy. Get a scholarship.

If it's baseball, it's great. Help now.

But it's better than you get a scholarship ...

for being studious.

Have you read about the Greeks? Never!

And I will tell you. Stop weeping.

I can't take it anymore.

� because of that stupid girl, right? "

"Shut up! You don't know you are welcome. Shut up! "

"Never talk to me like that.

Please."

And they left. My God. I didn't believe it.

It escaped my mouth.

I never spoke so with him.

I ran to apologize but the car had already left.

I stood in the driveway under that October moon.

And I said "Easy. They will arrive at 11:30 pm ...

and you can apologize.

And he can help me to study for the exam. "

And all that was because of the girl.

I went back to the kitchen, looked at the chemistry book ... and I closed it.

"Screw it. What if I don't pass? "

I went to my room and before I go to bed ...

I closed the door, but not entirely.

I didn't like being in the dark and left a little space.

The corridor light lit up my room ...

and I slept.

And I just remember the door opening ...

because the whole house I shook and I woke up.

I looked at the clock and it was 11:30 pm.

"They arrived." So, I heard my mother ...

passing down the hall where the rooms were ...

laughing as always. And it got louder and louder ...

and higher and higher, until the door opens ...

and I realize that she I wasn't laughing.

She was crying, copiously. And it reached me in a second.

"Billy, honey. Daddy died.

Dad died. " Uncle Danny was with her.

"Dad died. He didn't stand a chance.

He died. He died."

"As well?"

I woke up to her saying that daddy had died ...

and I asked: "Mom, did Grandpa die?"

She put her hand on my face and said ...

"No, dear.

Bill ...

your father had a heart attack on the bowling alley ...

and did not survive.

They tried to save him, but they didn't succeed.

He didn't come back with me.

He died, Bill. Your father died. "

She sat close from me, I hugged her ...

and said "Mother, always I'll take care of you. Ever."

And she gave a sigh so deep ...

supported the head on my shoulder and said ...

"I need to tell to your brothers.

Help me count that daddy died.

Help me count. Dress up, dear.

Your uncles will come. The night will be long.

We have many things to decide.

I don't believe that it happened. "

And she touched her face in mine.

I felt the hot tears her on my cold face.

So she got up and kissed me right here.

Then she left and left me alone ...

with this news, for the first time.

I looked in the mirror ...

and I never saw a child again.

It was like someone give me a rock ...

a huge rock ...

for me to carry for the rest of your life.

I got dressed, I went to dinner room...

my uncles had already arrived. Milt, Barney and Danny ...

holding hands with me and mom tried to understand ...

what had happened one hour before.

And the confusion increased ...

with the red light of the police car ...

that stopped right in front.

The red light I danced around the room ...

and soon there was a police officer at home.

Never had a policeman entered there. It was scary.

A huge guy with a huge gun.

He took off his cap and apologized ...

for the nag. He came to us.

I remember the steps on the wooden floor.

When approaching, it got bigger ...

even stop right on top of me.

So he gave it to me a manila envelope.

"What is this?" "Your father's belongings.

Mrs. Crystal, if you need to of something, call us.

Gentlemen, what can I say? Better days will come.

Take care, boy. "

I opened it and there were only ...

a baseball cap ...

the alliance ...

the watch ...

and his wallet.

The life of a man in a manila envelope.

I had never held his wallet.

I don't think I ever touched her. In childhood, the father never ...

give us money. � always the mother. They do everything.

"Mother, money for the cinema. "

"The scholarship is here. Take what you want. "

A father never says "Here is the wallet. Take what you want. "

And I opened it for the first time.

There was only the wallet driver ...

and pictures of us.

Cele Weinstein lived right next door.

There was a hedge between the two houses ...

1.5m high 1.5m wide, like Cele.

She was a woman lovely ...

had a high-pitched voice ...

and an equal laugh to a rain of lightning.

We never see Cele. She spoke through the hedge.

And that night, she was scared.

"Helen, why are the police Are you here? Everything okay?

There is something wrong. I know."

"Cele, it sucks! Jack died today.

Yes, Cele. He had a heart attack and died!

My Jack died! "

"No, Helen!

Who will take Billy to baseball games? "

The next day, something strange happened.

The car wouldn't start.

The gray Belvedere I didn't want to start.

He drove the car 160km a day ...

every day by everyone the years he had it.

He kept it in perfect condition ...

and he never failed. Until that day.

The car knew he had died and I didn't want to leave without him.

He stood at the door, with a hood open ... challenging.

And Stan, the attendant, he was a cheerful guy.

They were good friends and took care of the Belvedere ...

since the day my father bought the car ...

except that day. Stan was crying.

He tried to charge on the battery.

But it didn't work.

He tried several times and the car wouldn't start.

I saw everything well from here and didn't believe it.

Stan towed it the Belvedere ...

and the front of the car it looked sad.

Joel and Rip arrived.

Now there were four of us.

And they said that at night, we'll see the body.

Because the Jews soon bury. We'll take care of that.

A narcoleptic uncle I fell asleep ...

and we already made the grave.

I wish I could cut People of my life...

that are not part of of history.

I wanted to cut them, like in a movie.

And I wanted to cut the owner of the funeral ...

which was, ironically, near Yankee Stadium.

My life was ruined.

Why I needed talk to him?

"My condolences To the family of the deceased.

In a few minutes, you will be able to see him ...

in a special room ...

reserved only for family members.

For a while, my condolences ...

in this sad moment and sorry for their lives. "

What a scene! My father dies and I need to speak to Frajola!

He approaches and stops a mourning brooch ...

we need use for 30 days.

So he cuts it off and sing the Kaddish ...

a Jewish prayer for the dead ...

that for him, it was a total disaster.

"I think I saw a kitten. Amman! "

The jokes filled my brain.

I looked at Joel, he had understood and said "Don't even think."

Many great musicians attended ...

everyone to say goodbye to a great friend.

And we got in our hands given in the chapel.

And our family and the jazz people ...

as a family and bowed their heads.

Nobody said anything.

I didn't understand anything. So, I turned around ...

and there were Count Basie and Duke Ellington.

�-: They came. They bowed their heads ...

everyone came with the royalty of jazz ...

and Count and Duke asked for them to do that.

Nobody said anything.

We passed them, in the private room ...

and there he was.

And she didn't look like him. And he was so quiet.

Hours before, we fought because of the girl.

And I just thought that it was my fault ...

that I caused that and I was answered.

"It was my fault. It was my fault."

But he didn't answer because it was quiet.

I didn't hold on and I got angry.

I just thought "A father I shouldn't die like that!

A father shouldn't die on a bowling alley ...

surrounded by strangers wearing rented shoes! "

And I hated myself for feeling that.

Aunt Sheila was behind me.

"Billy, your father is he's sleeping.

He's just asleep. "

"Wake him up.

Let's go. Wake him up. Let's get out of here! "

"Leonard, get the car."

The funeral was the next day.

It's the hardest day, because it's the farewell.

We four were over the grave ...

with tree roots coming out from the sides.

The coffin went down with a bang.

And we followed my mother ...

when she approached and threw a red rose.

And following the tradition Jewish, Joel, Rip and me ...

Jack's children, we put the earth on top.

The sound of earth and stones that hit the wood ...

would echo in my brain forever.

So it's over.

We buried our father.

We left and we left it there.

Sundays are over.

When we get home, it was full ...

of neighbors, friends and relatives ...

everyone with food and various subjects ...

to distract us in the mourning period ...

called "shiva".

But for me, the right is "tremor" ...

because what death causes me Tremor, always.

And the house ...

that was always full of laughter and jazz ...

now I was lonely, dark, cold and sad.

I entered the room and closed the door without seeing anyone.

How someone would change what did I feel inside?

So I closed the door and I was alone, day after day.

And everyone worried with me...

because I never cried.

Then, one day, I heard a laugh.

Lots of laughs, of the whole family.

So, leave the room and walked down the hall ...

to know who was giving a show.

And it was Uncle Bern.

The glorious uncle Bern was performing.

Everyone laughed a lot. Even my mother.

I didn't believe it.

He was over of losing his brother ...

his dearest person. But he did a show ...

and got laughs, making them forget ...

for a few minutes that they they were in a house of mourning.

And I thought it was fantastic. And Bern's legacy will always be ...

"even in pain, it's good and it's important to laugh. "

Then, one day, Wild Bill Davison came.

He sat right where my father played mandolin ...

drew the trumpet and played a blues.

So, Edmund Hall drew his clarinet ...

and touched the most beautiful version of My Buddy .

And then Marvel Shaw I was on the double bass ...

Willard Lyon at the piano, Eddie Condon on guitar ...

and Tyree Glenn on the trombone.

Zutty made a battery with cake boxes.

And they did a show improvised at home ...

that will never be forgotten.

Even my mother was hitting her feet.

When the music starts, nobody stands still.

So, the time has come ...

of everyone coming back for their lives.

"Hey you, Face, it will be all right. Promise.

How do you know that never Are you going to see him again?

We don't know yet.

Face...

think of the rose.

She is the most beautiful flower perfumed from all ...

because it is the most beautiful and the simplest.

But sometimes, you you must prune the rose.

You must cut it ...

so that more fragrant and more beautiful ...

in place.

You may not understand now, Face ...

but one day, you will understand. I guarantee.

One day, Face ...

you will think of the rose.

Understood?

I knew it.

You will always be the Face. "

Joel and Rip are back � college ...

and we were just my mother and me at the house.

"Bill, don't take it the wrong way, but your brothers are gone ...

and now you need to be the man of the House. Is its function. "

"Billy, we are very proud.

Be strong. Your brothers went back to school ...

and you need to be the man of the House. Is its function. "

"Billy. Billy.

Be strong. Your mother needs you.

Your brothers are gone. Be the man of the house.

Is its function. "

I did not want this function.

But when everyone was gone ...

I stayed with her.

With the function. The damn function.

The size of the function. The irreparable emptiness in the heart.

And the first feeling � with anger. You want answers.

Because now? You are so angry ...

that you want to invade the room of God.

"Excuse me. I came to talk to Him.

I didn't score anything. I want to talk to Him.

What's your name? Pedro of what?

There you are. Why did it?

You write right by crooked lines?

I don't believe that just said that!

It's not fair. You are not a just God.

Do you think you're fair? If you think so ...

why took my father and left Mengele?

What justice is that?

Why did it? What's good about that?

I'm 15. Because now?

Is it the hand I have? What cards do I play?

Great. You � the bank owner.

For Christ! How can you say ...

I didn't see him there.

You look great!

I didn't recognize him with arms lowered. This is amazing!

What place!

Did you work with your father? Think that I wanted to do that too.

I will never believe you. How can I? See what you've done!

I will love other gods before you. Pedro.

And there should be an 11� commandment ...

"You will not be an idiotic god.

I didn't mean it. It was nothing serious.

Can you do me a favor? If you see him ...

you can say I spent in the Chemistry test? "

Back to school it was very difficult ...

because i needed carry that rock.

But I developed another skill.

� better describe it by the name I gave.

I call her of "the other party".

That's what I felt. I was neither here nor there.

I was in another place that I saw, but I couldn't see.

A place I heard, but I didn't listen.

It was the other part of everything.

And I pushed the rock daily at school.

Friends passed by, having a lot of fun.

So I saw the girl with a new boyfriend.

Blond with blue eye and football player.

A Nazi bastard with a convertible.

And I was confused.

Sometimes, I didn't know what was worse ...

whether it was my father's death or me not having won over the girl.

And I felt divided and very guilty.

I was in mourning because of who?

By him...

or for me?

"Basketball Tests" said the poster in the gym.

I had to enter for the basketball team.

I needed to do something to leave the house!

The 1st day arrived, but it was too early for me ...

they threw the ball and I didn't see it. "Sorry. I didn't see it."

I hit the ball, but she leaves the place ...

and went where I didn't want to!

Because the "other party" it was blinding me ...

and I couldn't mark nobody ...

and do nothing ...

because there was a rock to load.

Three days of testing. It was a disaster.

I was embarrassed for my way of playing.

In the end, the coach called me and I thought I would be cut.

But instead, he asked a question ...

that no one has done since the 15th of October.

"Are you okay? How are things at home? "

"My God. Don't look at me.

Don't look at me. Please.

Coach, I don't know what's up with me.

I don't focus anymore and I don't know where I am.

I don't know anymore what am I doing...

and I only shoot low grades! There is no one at home.

There is no one. I'm very lonely.

There is no one at home.

You know what I do after school?

Do you want to know?

I run home. I'm not going by bus.

I run home. I can't stay on the bus ...

because of the brooch idiot I use.

I know what they think. � the son of the guy who died in bowling.

I know what they think. I know.

And when I get home, Do you know what I do?

I cook. I do my mother's dinner ...

because she is looking for a job.

Because we have nothing.

And I want her to arrive and see the ready dinner ...

so you don't have to do it all alone.

That's what I do every day. Everyday. And when I get home ...

she looks so sad and very tired.

We sat down and everything we do � eat.

Nobody says anything. We only eat.

I can't make her laugh.

Before, I did it. I love making her laugh.

But not now.

I try to study ...

but I can't focus on anything.

I'm going to my room and opening the book ...

I hear you.

I hear her cry in the bedroom until I sleep ...

because the walls they are too thin!

Damn it.

And he put me on the team.

It was the greatest kindness that already made me.

We played for the 1st time.

It was at school East Rockaway ...

I was at the bank, watching Junior Varsity ...

that preceded Varsity.

I was there alone, taking out the rock.

Two friends were behind me: Harvey Kreitzman and Joe Ponte.

Our fans were coming ...

to see the game and as they entered ...

Harvey innocently tells Joe Ponte ...

"Your father is here." And I said "Where?"

My God. I didn't believe ...

but happened.

What to do? I couldn't turn around.

What would I say? It didn't work to explain. It happened.

So I sat like if it was nothing ...

and I was looking foward...

without seeing. Listening without listening.

I didn't say more with Harvey Kreitzman.

When I saw him in the hall, I swerved.

Next week, on November 22, 1963 ...

another Jack died.

A heavy sadness fell on us ...

for months and months ...

until a Sunday night, in February 1964.

My mother and I go the Ed Sullivan Show.

Sundays were like that. Dinner for two at Wing Lu ...

and back to see Ed Sullivan.

That night something made the country feel better.

The Beatles were at Ed Sullivan.

And for the first time in months, I smiled.

And for the first time ...

I liked another type of music.

And during that magic program ...

I only heard ...

It wasn't 60 Minutes.

It was the Beatles.

But for my mother, it was the death of jazz.

The rest of the year was more of the same.

� drift in the other part, wandering and wandering and wandering.

So, I started last school year in 1965.

And I had played on the basketball team ...

the way I wanted it. I earned my place.

Our team was great in 1965. The "Marines of Long Beach".

And everyone just spoke of a game ...

that we did against the Erasmus Hall High ...

from Brooklyn NY. A scary team.

They were the 2nd team of colleges from all over the country that year.

Team # 1 was from New York, the Powell Memorial.

The pivot had more 2.10m high ...

and his name was Lew Alcindor.

Later, he turned Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ...

and it was also Izzy Yizkutz for 6 months, you know?

Our coaches knew each other. Erasmus agreed to come to Long Beach ...

to play with us in a friendly match.

It was in the papers. It was great news.

There were two cultures. There was Erasmus ...

a school predominantly black ...

the ghetto and with a lot of claw.

And Long Beach was a white school ...

middle class and mostly Jews.

There were two cultures.

There was Erasmus and they played "basketball".

We were from Long Island and we played "basketball".

They scared us ...

as soon as they arrived To our school.

The Erasmus team has arrived on a Greyhound bus.

And there was another bus for the kids on the team.

We were in the dressing room, waxing your legs ...

and the coach arrived, saying "Come here.

Luther, Fitzy, Johnny, Billy and Doug. Come. "

Right. The Erasmus team Very good ...

but we are also. And we'll show them.

Who are we? "" Marines. " "What we do?" "We fight."

There were thousands on the court of Erasmus fans.

Everyone used dashikis, African turban ...

and embroidered hats.

1965 was a terrible year for civil rights.

The south was exploding, literally.

There were "strange fruits" all over the south.

Blacks sought in Africa your identity in a country ...

who still denied them their civil rights.

The game took place in the middle of everything that and all that anger.

We entered excited on our court ...

and we were welcomed for thousands of them ...

with a wave and strange songs.

"Kill them!"

And our team was on the other side, singing ...

Please don't hurt our players

They are cool and get hurt easily

We were 55 points behind and the 2nd time begins.

I was sitting there ...

in my seat at the bank and my mother, seven rows behind.

My mother was always present.

In that respect, she was a great mother, but in basketball?

When we start to lose, she did so ...

"Coach, put on Crystal. It can't get worse. Let's go!"

The coach looks at me and says something that scared me.

"Billy, come in."

"Got crazy? This is a game. "

I enter and so that announce my name ...

floor on the court and all on the Long Beach side ...

get up and applaud me standing.

They scream my name while I walk.

I don't know what Erasmus thought about the time.

"It's their secret weapon."

Everyone started laughing, I got into the character ...

and started walking like a giant.

I looked at the bank Erasmus, debauchery ...

and I put the shirt inside with authority.

They started laughing and pointing at me.

I looked and my number it was in the underwear.

The game resumes and I was scoring ...

a building and two pairs of socks.

He was huge and had your own climate.

He was gigantic. He was so big ...

that on his crucifix there was a real man!

And he was taking make fun of me and mocking.

"Are you Oz?"

I represent the team basketball

The basketball team The basketball team

We represent the basketball team

I try to tag him and the people laugh. I see he wants to play with me ...

hitting the ball loudly. But I take it from him ...

the ball rolls, I dive, he dives into me ...

and the referee says "Foul!"

You and you.

Let's go to the center of the court. Everyone laughing ...

and for the first time, blacks and whites agree on something ...

that I look like an idiot. It's funny, I know.

He was here and me down here.

We seem like a point and comma. I already know.

He doesn't even have to jump to catch the ball ...

both sides die laughing ...

and I bow my head, as in a comedy scene.

But I hear my mother's voice, overlapping everything.

"Come on, Billy. Come on. Do your best! "

She was right. It is a good motto for life.

"Do your best." It made perfect sense.

No matter what you do, if you say ...

who did his best, everything is fine. "Do your best."

So, confident, I looked up ...

for his groin and said "This is ridiculous.

How are you?"

The referee whistles and plays the ball up.

So everything stayed in slow motion.

I remember the ball spinning in the light of the gym.

I could read it. "Spalding".

"Do your best."

I jump and get off the ground done a missile from Cape Canaveral.

I flew so much that I felt the friction of air in the body ...

when going up, listening the public say ...

"Billy is going to get the ball!" At the end of the jump ...

I see the ball coming down, I shake hands, close my eyes ...

I spin and hit the ball with desire!

"Damn it!"

"Damn it!"

I did my best. Unfortunately, right in his testicles.

I was expelled for lack intentional...

and it was one of the worst nights of my life.

After the game, the staff from school came to me.

"What a great idea hit him in the testicles.

I don't believe you had that idea at the time.

It was too much.

When I saw that, he made such a big poop ...

that even cracked the floor of the court.

It was incredible. You saw his eyes at the time?

It looked like a slot machine.

And little birds appeared around his head.

They were birds. Like a cartoon.

Billy, it was amazing. It was awesome! "

That was the director of my school.

Then, in June 1965, in the same cinema ...

where I kissed the girl for the first time...

at the Laurel Theater, I graduated from high school.

Now, it was my turn to go to college.

Go to college it shouldn't happen ...

after my father died. Three weeks later ...

things calmed down and Joel and Rip left.

Mom entered my room and said "Sit down.

We need to talk." "About what, mom?"

"College."

"Your father and I had a dream...

that our children go to college.

And I want to perform that dream.

When it's your time, you will go. "

"Thank you, mom."

And she became the biggest hero of all.

My mother was 50 years old and my father died in front of her.

And she should grow up again with a boy ...

that kept growing. And we had nothing.

And the idea was "I'm going to a school ...

I will take dictation and typing ...

to work soon as secretary ...

to have money. " No sooner said than done.

She studied all day. I came home from school ...

and left my duty to help you with hers.

I read business letters for her, in a saying ...

and she wrote everything with those abbreviations.

Then she wrote words...

on a typewriter. Do you remember?

First, there were 35, 45 ...

fifty and belt, 65, 75, 85 ...

100 words per minute. And she finds a job ...

as sector manager in a psychiatric clinic.

Perfect to me.

Free samples.

And for all that time, she never complained ...

and we become a team.

And she never lost the sense of humor.

"Mother, you are exhausted."

"They are schizophrenics. The work is double. "

And she keeps $ 2,500 ...

for me to study at Marshall University ...

in West Virginia, to play on 2nd base ...

because I got it right a curved ball.

I was 17 when I leave home.

I was too young. I had never left home ...

and I rarely slept at a friend's house.

I never talked about sex With my dad.

We talked once about the girl ...

but none of us I wanted it that way.

Then, at gate 33 of La Guardia, before leaving home...

I talked about sex with my mother.

"Billy, honey, before I go ...

we must speak about girls. "

"Mother, I know." "I'm glad we talked!"

We embrace as much as we could.

It's hard to say goodbye to our heroes.

But the brain soon says "Come on. It's time."

Because if you create well your children, they should go.

I walked to the plane and I didn't look back.

And I heard 3 words that my mother screamed ...

and that would change my freshman life.

"Don't wash there!"

The 1st year of college.

Parties, panties thefts, marijuana and beer!

I didn't do any of that. I wanted and I tried ...

but it was hard to go with that rock.

You can say it takes me to heal me.

But honestly, it was hard to have fun.

I went home in the summer. I wanted to improve in the 2nd year.

I was on the beach, playing ball with my friend Steve Cohen ...

waiting for the baseball plan of autumn and playing ball.

And a girl in a bikini passes right in the middle ...

and she walked beautifully. I didn't know her.

"Steve, who is she? I don't know her. "

"Janis Goldfinger. to move. "

"Are you really?"

"I'm going to marry her." I went to her and introduced myself.

I said "How are you?"

I asked her out and she accepted.

And we started to leave.

All summer long. And we fell in love.

A true love. Hall of Fame.

A love that transformed the rock into sand.

I should go back for Marshall ...

but I didn't go.

I was 18 and Janis was 17 years old.

But I knew that she was to get married ...

and we must never leave that chance pass.

And I was right. We are married for 43 years.

Today the chops they're on my back.

I was 22 years old and Janis was 21 years old.

I had performed mom's dream.

I was the 3rd son to graduate from college.

I graduated from NYU, as a filmmaker ...

and had a job guaranteed.

If the performance does not right for me ...

I would have something solid as director.

So we face difficulties.

We came to live here.

There was an apartment 1 bedroom upstairs.

We lived there for a while.

It was very good to have sex in this house...

with someone that it wasn't me.

I think I got the hang of it because 3 years later ...

Jennifer Amy Crystal was born with 3.7kg ...

and was the dependent of more beautiful IR.

My life was perfect. A beautiful wife, a beautiful baby ...

no career and no future. Perfect.

I was 26 years old. The clock did not stop.

I knew I wanted be a comedian ...

but start from scratch it was scary.

Fear dominated me. I was paralyzed ...

and did nothing. So Janis said ...

"Honey, I have a plan. I'll be back to work ...

you will take care of Jenny ...

and when I arrive, you will leave me ...

and go to NY to try something in the comedy clubs ...

and turn the comedian that you want to be ...

because I believe in you. " And that's what we did.

Janis was going to work and I took care of Jenny.

I was Mr. Mother before it becomes fashionable.

Her nursery was called "Mom and me. And him."

And when changing diapers I said ...

"Honey, look carefully what am I doing...

because one day, you will do the same to me. "

Janis came home, I would deliver Jenny ...

get in the car and go to New York, to enter at 2 am ...

at Catch a Rising Star of Rick Newman ...

or Improv. I arrived At 3am, I woke up at 6am ...

and started with Jenny, writing jokes ...

all day and it went on for weeks. That was the plan.

And I think it worked, because you are here.

And I will say. This does not happens to nobody ...

unless someone dear say ...

"I believe in you."

We left Long Beach. It was time.

My job was in California ...

and things were working.

I was excited. And we went west.

And it was hard to leave the only city ...

that the two of us we actually know.

Our friends, Janis's parents ...

my brothers, my mother ...

and this house.

There was a lot of history in this house.

We grew up here, we ate right here ...

very well, and we laughed here. And we made people laugh here.

Joel, Rip and I were the Nair�bi Trio.

I was a Yankee here.

I saw the 61� home run Roger Maris here.

I saw the 1st Tonight Show Johnny Carson here.

I heard the album The 2000 Year Old Man here.

I saw Bob Hope present Oscar, every year ...

right here.

I saw little John-John say goodbye here.

I saw the Beatles here ...

and I saw the man step on on the moon here.

I fell in love here and I became a father here.

I was in mourning here.

It was my home.

Many stories.

The last start on Halloween night ...

in 2001. And again ...

the whole country was in the "other part".

I was coming down the highway ...

still with the aftermath from Ground Zero ...

for the 4th game of that strange World Series ...

with the Yankees against the Diamondbacks.

"Strange" because it was the only World Series ...

that the country wanted the Yankees won.

So that something good happen in the city.

I was in the car, My cell phone rang...

and it was my brother Joel.

"Billy, it's bad news. Mom had a stroke. "

"When?" "It's an hour. I found her in the living room ...

and we are in emergency from Long Beach hospital.

They're doing tests, but she is not well.

Can you come? "

"Sure. It'll take me an hour and a half. Tell her that I'm going. "

"Janis, my mother had a stroke. "

That's what I said. What else would I say?

The doctor said ...

"It's true, Mr. Crystal. Your mother had a stroke.

But if it is to have a stroke, this guy is the best. "

He explained that it was in a curable part of the brain ...

and that she was going to recover good. "Great."

"But the left arm hers is weak. "

"I understand."

"She is very confused. And she is there. "

"Thank you, doctor. Let's talk more. "

Come on, honey.

Mother. Mom, I'm here. Janis is here.

Rip is coming. Joel is here. Everybody here. I have good news.

I spoke to the doctor and he said that you will recover.

Isn't it great? "

She looked at me, quite confused ...

and spoke to me like if it was a little girl.

"My head hurts."

"I know it does."

"You are in pain head, right? "

"I am."

I held her hand and massaged the back of your neck ...

where did she say it was hurting.

"I will always take care of you, mother.

"I will always take care of you." "Thanks."

And she stopped talking and just looked forward, silently ...

all night and the next day ...

just looking forward, in silence, for nothing.

I panicked and I went to the doctor.

"Did you tell me everything?"

"Why doesn't she speak?" "Easy, Billy."

"I know it's difficult, but try to understand. "

"She can speak."

"But she doesn't want to talk. She is angry. "

And she was furious.

Furious that God insulted his body.

"How do I get her to talk? I want to talk to her. "

"Billy, next time, do not use the word "spill".

Upon hearing "spill", she gets angry and distances herself.

Just talk to her about things in common.

Just talk to her. Try to do that. "

"Sorry if I ...

Yesterday's game was too much. The Yankees lost 3 to 1 ...

with two balls out and nobody to save.

Paul O'Neill countered to the left field.

And do you know who came? Tino. Your favorite. Tino Martinez.

He hit a ball for the home run.

The stadium came down. I never saw that!

And in the 10th inning, Jeter did a home run ...

and they won! And she said ...

"It was time. Derek didn't play anything. "

Spills are like thieves bank. They break into the safe ...

and steal everything you loves more.

Invade the brain and run away with the past.

But she fought, as you always did.

The arm came back and she left the bed with a walker ...

a cane and nothing more. And all day we will rehabilitate her.

She looked like an athlete training for an event.

And all this time, she never complained ...

and still managed to keep your sense of humor.

"Nurse, if you want let me walk quickly ...

put Robert Redford at the end of the hallway."

So I had to travel and I was sad ...

but she was fine. I needed to spend 3 days away.

It was an event that I could not deselect.

I went to Seattle, WA ...

to do a show at a charity event ...

to help children ...

who had lost parents in the attack.

I would make a presentation stand-up ...

something I didn't do 9 years ago ...

an event that would bring me up here.

I called her in the morning.

"Hello, mom." "Billy, how was the show?"

She remembered.

"It was great. It was really good."

"And it was in a big theater, like Radio City. "

"Remember from Radio City, mom? "

"Sure. That's where we saw The Jester with Danny Kaye .... "

Remember of the vessel with the pestle? "

I gave all the details of the jokes.

She liked to hear the best jokes from my show.

But not this time. She interrupted me.

"Billy, honey, were you happy? "

"Yes, mother. I was. It was a long time ago. "

"Well dear. Aren't things like that? "

"Sure. Mom, I'll get it the air bridge.

I'll be there in the morning.

I'll spend the whole week. It will be great.

What you want in the cafe� in the morning? You can ask. "

She cut me off again. "Billy, dear ...

no need to run because of me.

I'm fine. And you're busy.

Billy, I'll see you when you can. "

It was the last time that we speak.

One hour later, the thieves are back ...

and this time, they took it.

So I was orphaned.

I was no longer stuck to the ground.

I was 15 years old at the first time...

and 53 years on the 2nd time ...

but the tears have the same taste.

The rock has the same weight and size ...

the "other party" covers all the same ...

and the anger increased.

But an omnipotent being told me once ...

"It is the hand that I received. The cards I have to play. "

"Maybe 1.67m?"

"Please.

Please. Just a little more. "

"You will lose your father with 15 years."

"Did you shuffle?"

"May your mother have a long life. "

"Marrying a incredible woman ... "

"have two beautiful daughters and four grandchildren. "

"Do what you always do wanted to do ... "

"since it made them laugh in the living room."

"I will stay with them. I'll bet everything. "

"Show your cards."

We sell the house. We needed to sell it.

Without mom I wouldn't do it sense to stay with her.

Today she is someone else's ...

but it doesn't belong to you.

Cause I close my eyes and I'm going there ...

whenever I want.

700 Sundays is not a long time for a son to be with his father.

But it was enough to win gifts ...

that I open until today and share with my children and grandchildren.

Gifts of love, laughter, good food ...

Jews and jazz, dinners and whiskey ...

curved balls in the snow, Bill Cosby, Mickey Mantle ...

uncle Bern and "think of the rose".

"Understood?

"I knew it."

I have a recurring dream. I'm in a car ...

in a Plymouth Belvedere 1957 gray ...

sitting in front because I am small.

There is no one else, but I'm not afraid ...

because the car knows where you need to go.

He walks alone.

And soon we arrived 42nd Street, NY.

We passed the Commodore full of people...

by the Commodore Hotel ...

we stopped in front of Grand Central Station and the car stops.

The door opens and I leave. I follow the crowd ...

I pass the oyster bar, I go up the ramp ...

and I reach the lobby. But this time ...

the stars are real ...

and the brightness of the sky It is very beautiful.

And the terminal still it's full of men.

But this time ...

they are dressed with my father...

in white shirt with the rolled sleeve ...

open collar and a tie hanging.

And now I know what they are waiting.

They are expecting parents your children.

I see him, he sees me and he is fine.

He doesn't seem worried, upset ...

and not even angry.

And we walk towards each other.

We don't have to run.

"Hello, Dad." He smiled, put your hand on my shoulder ...

and says "What is lead?"

"Pb." "Very good, Billy."

"Have you eaten yet?"

"I see you like this that I can. "

Who wants a waffle? Anyone want?

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