Original subtitles

Africa.

Where it all began.

The first fire.

The first man to stand up.

And the first stand-up man.

The stand-up man flourished bringing joy

and a good date night to millions of villagers

before he eventually migrated,

bringing stand-up comedy here, here, and here.

But oddly, never here.

As comedy flourished abroad the African

stand-up man disappeared.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome Trevor Noah.

Thank you.

Thumbs up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good evening.

How you guys doing?

I guess that means good.

That's what the sounds means, right?

Whoo.

There's no sound for sad.

Does anyone make that sound?

How you feeling?

Whoa, no's.

It's really just that.

Thank you very much for having me.

Thanks for coming out.

You guys are looking great and relaxed.

Nice weather isn't it?

Yeah, it's very chilled out.

I just got back from Atlanta.

It was 107 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah.

Hottest weather.

Worst thing is everyone comes up to me and they go well,

you must be used to this being from Africa and-- no, I'm not.

I'm from Africa but that shit is hot.

That was just-- no.

I was scared to go jogging 'cause I thought if I ran

out in the streets and fainted wouldn't the local

news love that?

I'd be running and I'd fall down in the heat.

They would have their vans reporting live.

They'd be standing going

so hot in Atlanta even Africans are fainting.

So, I'm enjoying this.

Really happy to be here, you know?

This is gonna be good for us I hope.

I say I hope because I never know with stand-up comedy.

It's just, you know, it's an awkward experience I find.

I'm always nervous.

'Cause I find comedy is very similar to sex for me.

Well, it's exactly like sex when you think about it.

With me, the comedian, playing the role of the man.

And you, the audience, the role of the woman.

'Cause it's my job to satisfy you.

And you just have to sit there.

And then just like sex, my success or failure

will somehow be determined by how much noise you

make during my performance.

Which makes it a one-sided affair I feel.

You know?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe you're the quiet type.

I hope we have magic tonight.

I hope we create something wonderful.

I mean, for many of us it's our first time together

and that means it might be awkward.

I understand this.

And if that's the case I want you to

know that I'll look into your eyes,

I'll see that I'm freaking you out, and I'll stop.

I'll stop and I'll flip you back over

and we'll go back to the simple stuff.

Yes.

OK?

I've been in America for a few months now

and I'm really just thrown by the place.

It's not what I expected at all.

Different from the brochures and the pamphlets.

There's many assumptions I had about

America before I came here and I've come to learn

that those were wrong.

For one, I just assumed people spoke English here.

It's far from it.

It's not-- you know what?

It's not so much the language so much as the

pronunciation of words that throws me off.

It's just Americans have done with the language.

You guys have just-- wow.

You've just-- you've done something.

You've put 22's on the English language.

Just got rims and just pimp my language.

That's what you've gone with, you know?

And I don't understand.

I was chatting to this woman downtown the other day.

She came up to me and she wanted me to see something.

I don't know what though.

She was like

my God, look over therr.

I said look over what?

She's like

over therr.

Look at that harr.

I said her?

She's like,

no, herr harr.

There's two of them?

I understand nothing.

Even the small words.

Just the pronunciation.

You know, small things that get you by.

For instance, I pronounce the opposites of uncle as aunt.

I say my aunt.

Out here you say my ant.

Which to me is an insect.

Which made me look like an ass when my

friend told me his ant died.

And I was like so what?

There's tons of those out there.

Just madness.

Everything out here is different.

Do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here?

You have to change everything.

There's the measurement system which is just,

I mean, America, you guys have your own thing.

The Imperial system, you know?

On my side of the world we use the metric system.

And by my side I mean the rest of the world.

You know?

We have the metric system which is,

amongst other things, very efficient.

It's a very simple process.

You know, everything goes into each other.

And out here you have Imperial.

Which is fine.

I mean, I won't judge you.

If you want to be imaginary,

that's up to you.

But--

I just feel like there's some

consistency that's needed.

Small things.

Like, for instance, when we abbreviate our small

measurement, milligrams, we use mg.

Milligrams.

Mg.

Milli-grams?

And you guys have ounces.

Ounces.

Which you then abbreviate: oz.

There's no Z in the word ounces.

I don't know-- that's pale in comparison

to what you've done with pounds.

That, for me--

please explain to me how the abbreviation

for pounds became lbs.?

Lb.-- pounds.

I look like the idiot walking into the store going

could I please have the two labs bag of sugar?

Guy was like

you mean pounds?

I said I don't see the P.

No, I don't.

He said

well, it means pounds.

No, it's lbs.

Lot of bullshit.

That's what it stands for.

It is horrible.

And I thought-- I honestly thought this was an anomaly.

I thought, you know what?

This is just one of those things.

It's a coincidence.

But it's not.

Americans do not care about abbreviation nor

the English language.

They just-- they don't give a damn.

I notice on the small things like, for instance,

when I was in Tennessee I stumbled on an

organization known as the Ku Klux Klan.

You heard of them?

Worst magic show ever.

Guy gave me a pamphlet.

He's like

come and see the Grand Wizard.

Grand Wizard.

The Grand Wiz--

didn't do one trick.

Not even one trick.

I mean, I noticed a few black people disappear

but, I mean, that's not magic.

No, that's just Regan-omics.

I wasn't impressed by that.

Like, where's the magic?

I sat there forever.

These guys running around in their sheets.

Yee-haw!

The KKK as they're affectionately known.

Has nobody bothered to tell 'em ever that you do

not spell clan with a K?

Nobody's-- even in America clan is spelt with a C.

The Ku Klux Clan.

They're the KKC not the KKK.

You realize that?

Ku Klux Clan.

It's C.

In fact, the name is wrong.

The whole thing.

The Ku Klux part of it.

That's-- it's just horrible 'cause they got that,

as you know, from ancient Greece.

It was Kuklos Adelphon.

Meaning a circle of brothers.

And that's how they got the name.

They call themselves a Greek circle of brothers.

Which is wrong for two reasons: one if

your sole purpose as an organization is to hate

black people, don't you find it strange that

you've now named yourself the circle of brothers?

And secondly, do they realize that in ancient Greece,

circles of brothers were doing very different things--

with one another?

Very loving.

Very, you know?

Yeah.

If they were really a Greek circle the sheets

would be a bit higher up.

You know?

Just more of a--

yeah.

There'd be one more hole.

They're not a...

I came to America be

and that is I always wanted to be black.

I was a-- you laugh but it's true.

I-- that's all I ever wanted.

I grew up in South Africa during a time known as apartheid.

And for those who don't know,

apartheid was a law in South Africa that made it

illegal for black and white people to interact

with each other.

You know?

If you did that then you would get into trouble.

So, for instance, this black young lady here

sitting with the white guy.

If you did this in South Africa then they'd arrest you guys.

You couldn't-- during apartheid you

couldn't-- well, they'd arrest the black girl.

They'd just ask you not to do it again.

'Cause--

And so, this was awkward for me because

I grew up in a mixed family, you know?

Well, with me being the mixed one in the family.

My mother's a black woman,

South African, and my father's Swiss,

from Switzerland.

So, he was a white man.

And basic-- well, he still is a white man.

It's not like he changed side.

I said was like through hard work and determination--

he became black, which is not-- didn't-- that guy's

looking at me like

is that possible?

It's-- no, sir.

You're fine.

You're 100% fine.

Your position of privilege is just the way it was.

Although, it would be something though.

You could work so hard you became black.

That would just be-- wouldn't it?

That would change the workplace forever to see

guys walking into their office talking to the boss.

Jim, I think I'm gonna take a few days off.

I don't know.

I feel it coming on.

I-- Yeah, --

I've been putting in some overtime

and I don't know, man.

I just-- yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I mean, the wife's loving it but I can't take a chance.

I--

I just--

I just filled out a new loan application

and my credit's looking real good so,

I'm gonna take a few days off.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, you're fine, sir.

He's still-- my father is alive and still very, very white.

From Switzerland.

My mother, Hausa woman from South Africa.

Yeah.

And they got together during this time which was

against the law but they didn't care.

You know?

They were mavericks.

They were just, you know, they fought the man.

My mom was like woo, I don't care!

I want the white man.

Woo!

You know?

And my dad was also like well,

you know how the Swiss love chocolate.

So he was just--

he was in there.

And so, they got together and they had me.

Which was illegal.

So, I was born a crime.

Which is something they never thought through

'cause as a family we couldn't live normally

together, you know?

Like in the streets my father had to walk on the

other side of the road.

And he could just wave at me from far.

Kinda like a creepy pedophile.

Just--

And then my mom could walk with me but if the police

showed up then she'd have to let go of my hand,

drop me, and act like I wasn't hers.

Every time.

Just so we wouldn't get caught.

Be like whoo.

She'd be like I don't know.

It was horrible.

I felt like a bag of weed.

And one of the punishments for this crime

was I was never afforded a race.

I was never called black.

I was never called white.

I got horrible names like mixed breed and mutt and half-cast.

And, you know?

It was a horrible time for me.

And one fateful day, I'll never forget,

I met an American in South Africa and he said to me, said

well you know, Trevor,

it's funny you say that 'cause if you come

out to America they'll label you as black.

I said really?

He was like hell yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody's black out there.

And I was like wow.

Well, I want to be black.

And I found out it's true.

Mixed race people are categorized as black in America.

Yeah.

The only catch is, and nobody tells you this,

you have to be liked and successful first.

Before then they say you're mixed.

You achieve success and you get upgraded to black.

All the famous mixed people do it.

Singers like Alicia Keys and Mariah Carey.

Yeah?

Mixed.

But then they say black singers.

Sportsmen like Tiger Woods.

Mixed.

But then they say black golfer.

Most famous mixed person on the planet by far, Barack Obama.

Mixed.

Half and half.

Straight down the middle.

But then they say America's first black president.

Which is interesting 'cause when he was running

they called him the mixed candidates.

I see how it works.

Everyone makes it obvious now.

They're like

yeah, yeah, Barack.

Of course he won.

Of course.

It wasn't that obvious

when he started.

It wasn't.

I remember comedians coming out.

They used to diss him.

Guys would come out on stage,

they'd be like

man, how many y'all see that

crazy ass mixed fool running for president?

Y'all see that mixed fool running for president?

Wait, you gonna see.

Ain't no mixed fool gonna be president of

United States of America.

Ain't no-- man, rich white people gonna be voting for

a mixed fool?

Hey, the black man can be shit.

Even a black man can't-- how some mixed fool

think he do it all?

Man, that mixed fool.

That crazy ass mixed fool.

How some mixed fool-- that mixed fool.

And then he won and all of a

sudden they were like

my nigga.

So.

I took the first opportunity I could.

Bought myself a plane ticket from South Africa

and I said I'm going out to America.

I'm going there and I'm going to be black.

And I got on that plane.

It was an 18-hour flight.

Eighteen hours of non-stop flying and I sat there in

my chair and I spent every moment practicing being black.

Just practicing.

I was like I'm not gonna mess up this blackatunity.

I just sat there just working through everything.

I was watching every black movie and TV show.

Just going through it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You 'nah I mean?

You 'nah I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

King Kong ain't got shit on me.

Yeah.

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

I was just-- I was grinding it.

You laugh but 18 hours of flying and I landed in JFK

and I was fluent in my black American.

For shizzle my nizzle.

I was just--

I was walking around.

I was so black I was even laughing black.

I was like ha-ha-haa.

Ha-ha, yeah.

My man.

Ha-ha.

Should've seen me.

It was like

this you?

This you?

That has to be the personification

of cool in my opinion.

There's nothing cooler.

There's-- black Americans are so cool they can make

you feel good about yourself just by asking if

you are you.

You don't believe me?

Get a black American man to come up to you and just be like

hey, yo, hey, yo, this you?

Nah, nah, this you?

This you?

This you?

And you'd be like I think it is!

It's magic.

I was that black.

Not just any black but the coolest black in the world

and that's American black.

I can say this with confidence being from Africa.

I know black.

I'm well-versed in the arts of black.

I'm from the black factory.

I mean it.

I've seen every kind of black from light black all

the way to like navy blue black.

I know.

I know black.

And there's no cooler black than American black.

Nothing cooler.

You know?

'Cause American black people, I mean,

you just look at how much they've done to influence

modern day pop culture.

You know?

Small things in the bigger like you got the music.

You got, you know, jazz, hip hop, R&B,

all black Americans.

Style of clothing, you know?

Just this general swag that they've brought to everything.

Even small things like walking.

I mean, walking is such a mundane activity isn't it?

It's just a very-- just a very--

There's nothing cool about this thing.

You just move from one place to the next

and pretty much everybody can do it.

This is it.

There's nothing.

And then black Americans came along and then

they just added in that bounce--

and then-- and all of a sudden you look really cool.

You just-- you know?

You look like you have a purpose.

You've just got that-- yeah.

Look at this.

It's super cool.

And it must be hard for an assassin to kill you.

Just like--

That's why if you look in American history

no black man was ever assassinated

whilst walking ever.

It was when they stopped then said something.

Bang.

That's when they would.

'Cause they got the walk.

That's why if you look, Obama,

every time he comes out of the jet or makes a speech

he's always just got that little bounce just before.

'Cause in his head he's like you never know.

You never know.

You never know.

You never know.

You never know.

And by far the coolest thing of all,

coolest thing of all, is the talk.

I've listened to black Americans and it's the

most amazing use of the English language I've ever

come across in my life.

'Cause they pay no regard to punctuation whatsoever.

They just cruise through sentences.

It's fantastic.

First time I had a conversation with a black

American man was in Baltimore, Maryland.

This guy walked up to me after the show.

He didn't even walk.

He just floated it.

Just--

He just came up to me and he's like

hey, yo, B., hey, yo, hey, yo.

Hey, yo let me holler atchoo for a minute, man,

let me holler atchoo.

I said OK.

He's like man I ain't even

gonna front, man, I ain't gonna front.

I came out here dude, I ain't even know who you

was man, I ain't even know.

I was like here the show I bought my girl,

we was out there.

You came out 'der and you were doing your thing I

was like yo, man, I ain't even know that got 'dem

yellow bones out 'der in the motherland, man.

I was like yo, this kid better be funny,

man, but I ain't gonna lie.

You came out there.

You was keeping it coming, keeping it moving.

You was just beastin' out.

I was like a'ight man, maybe this kid is the truth.

Yeah.

This kid was doing his thing.

He was keeping it out there.

I started laughing.

My girl was killin' herself.

I was like a'ight this mofo got flow fo' sure.

You 'nah I mean?

And I was like, no I don't.

But I love it.

It's the most amazing use of

English I've ever come across in my life.

Just that one word alone.

Just the strength of that.

'Nah I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

Ya 'nah I mean?

It just--

it sums it all up, doesn't it?

It's just, you know, neither question nor statement.

It's just-- like, why have we been wasting our time

with syllables for so long?

I don't understand.

It was a crazy day today you know what I mean?

Yo, that shit was cray, ya 'nah I mean?

It just--

It just flows.

It's magical.

It says it all.

I feel like I've wasted years of my life without

'nah I mean.

I wish I could go back in time and relive

my favorite moments, watch my favorite movies again.

Seeing them bring to live this is Sparta!

'Nah I mean?

Power.

Just give it something, you know?

I'm gonna take that word home with me,

home to Africa.

I hope and I pray that someday I have a daughter

just so I may name her 'Nah I Mean.

You know?

No, because it sounds exotic and foreign.

It has that thing to it.

You'd be like Trevor, who's that?

This?

It's my baby girl, 'Nah I Mean.

It just has it, you know?

It's wonderful.

I'll just go back.

I bet even greats like Shakespeare would've

loved to use that word.

They say he invented more words than anyone but 'nah

I mean, I bet he's in his grave going I wish I had.

You can see it on one of those great

plays on the stages of Manchester and London.

Theatre actors just walking out there with

their big collars.

Yes.

Prometheus.

And hither doth he come, fie I am the son of a

humble thespian, 'nah I mean?

Has the magic.

That's what I was, man.

I was that black.

You should've seen me.

Just walking around the airport shouting random things.

Brooklyn.

I didn't even know where that was.

I was super black.

'til some guy came up to me and he was like

O yeah Papi!

Say what?

He was like

yo, man.

We made it, man.

We made it.

And now that we are here, our kind,

we got to stick together, man.

Our kind?

Eighteen hours of flying and I still wasn't black.

I was Puerto Rican.

My dreams were dashed.

And I thought it was a once off.

But it's not.

You know?

I go around on the East Coast.

Places like Miami, that's the worst for me.

Walk around the streets of Miami and I see people

look exactly like me and, you know, they see me,

I see them.

We give each other that look of home.

Like--

Guys come up to me they're like

I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Yo, I don't speak Spanish, man.

Guy was like

wha'?

You don't speak Spanish?

I said no.

No, I don't.

He's like

you should be ashamed of yourself.

I said no, no.

I shouldn't be ashamed.

It's not my culture.

I'm actually South African.

He's like

South African?

Like you were born there?

I said yeah.

Yeah.

My whole life.

He's like

Africa?

I said yeah.

He's like

Africa, Africa?

I said no.

The one next to it.

Yes, Africa.

He's like

man, you don't look like

you from Africa, man.

I said what the hell's that supposed to mean?

He's like

I don't know.

You look like you grew up in the shade, man.

Just everyone has these images of Africa

and it's not your fault as Americans.

I-- you know, I understand that as Americans, like,

you don't know much about South Africa.

I've realized this in my time here.

You don't know much about Africa as a whole,

which is-- well, you guys don't know much about anything.

But that's not--

That's not your fault.

It just you guys are so big and America-centric.

You know?

And you don't get outside images.

You don't see anything.

In fact, in my time in America the only thing

I've seen of Africa is always those ads.

Those-- have you seen those commercials?

Those UNICEF ads and the-- have you seen those?

And they're asking you for the money?

I hate those ads.

They don't even warn you that those things are coming on TV.

I'm sitting there enjoying myself watching

comedy shows and the next thing you know you see

this horrible village.

It's just dirty and these old rusting buildings

and these sad black people.

And I'm looking.

I'm like ooh, where's that?

Cleveland?

Then the thing comes up and it's like Africa.

Like really?

Where?

And then they show you the starving people

and it's always the same.

They've always got the starving look.

They always do the pose.

They've always got that like "why haven't you called?" look.

One by one.

And they show you these people and there's the starving

mother and the starving child and it's horrible.

And then there's a celebrity.

There's always-- the most important thing is a

celebrity who comes out and they speak for them.

You know, that way we'll understand.

And the one I saw-- the one I saw was Penelope Cruz.

She was a celebrity.

She's beautiful.

And she came out and the starving mother

and child were there and Penelope came out

and she next-- well, she wasn't next to them.

It was blue screen.

But she was--

she wanted to be there.

And she walked out.

She points and she's like

this is Africa.

Did you know every year more than five million

children in Africa die of waterborne illnesses and

diseases that could have been prevented?

You can make a difference in this child's life.

I know you're sitting at home and like me

you're saying but Penelope--

I'm so far.

What can I do to help?

Well, I'm here to tell you it's easier than you think.

And it's a wonderful message

and she's beautiful.

I'm trying to-- I'm really trying to pay attention to

this but for the life of me I can't concentrate

because I'm watching and out of the corner of my

eye there's this fly that's just buzzing around.

It's buzzing.

She's just ignoring.

Bzzzz.

And the fly's there in the eye.

How does a fly sit on your eye?

You see with the thing.

Bzzzzz.

In the mouth.

And I'm-- I can't concentrate while

they-- how do they get the fly there every single time?

Can somebody tell me this?

In every ad, in every single ad,

the fly's there and it's always in exactly the same

place for the entire ad.

For the entire ad.

I can't get a fly to sit still in my kitchen for four seconds.

And I sneak up really slowly.

But they can get the fly to sit there every single

time they film?

I'm starting to think it's like a trick fly.

It's a Hollywood fly, isn't it?

One of those trained creatures from Disney.

I know what those guys are capable of.

I've seen "Lassie".

A trained fly.

They probably got the fly on lockdown.

They're ready.

They get everybody together.

They got the starving people.

They're like

OK, we're ready to shoot.

Where's the fly?

Here, sir.

Here, sir.

Come on, boy.

Come on, boy.

Get it.

Bzzzzz.

And stay.

Action.

Did you know every

year more than five million children--

are starving?

Bzzzzzz.

It's horrible.

I hate those ads.

I hate the people who make those ads.

I mean, there's people starving everywhere in the world.

Don't you know you can give them a bit of dignity?

You know?

And I hate the people in those ads as well

'cause they make Africans look bad.

Yeah.

I can say that.

You go but don't hate them.

They're starving.

No.

You know what?

I don't care.

I don't care.

I really don't.

'Cause people starving everywhere.

And I grew up in a black family in Africa

and no matter how poor or hungry we were

we could still do this.

But that's, you know, th

We see you guys.

Well, a lot of the people out here have that impression.

I've learned that.

I've learned everyone has that idea.

I learned that in small things, you know?

Like I do shows-- I've been doing shows around the country.

Around the world really.

I've been blessed.

And I remember one day I'm in L.A.

and I'm doing a show and we're sitting backstage

and this comedian comes in to the backstage area

and he's got a list of all the guys that are performing.

And so, he looks around and he looks at the

darkest guy in the corner, just the blackest guy

he could find.

And he goes

hey, yo.

You the dude from Africa?

And the guy looks up and he's like

nah man, I'm from Detroit.

He's like

a'ight, my bad.

My bad.

My bad.

A'ight, yo.

OK, Detroit.

Yeah, yeah.

You-- a'ight, OK cool.

L.A.

OK, cool.

Cool.

Cool.

And then he looks at me

for a second, does a quick calculation.

And he's like

a'ight, a'ight, um, yeah.

And then he looks and he goes

yo, where you from man?

I said I'm from South Africa.

He's like

You the dude?

Damn, man.

Damn.

A'ight.

Yo, I didn't even know they got-- yo,

you the dude from Africa?

Man, didn't even know they got

light-skinned niggers out there, man.

Damn.

A'ight.

Yo.

Yo.

That's the motherland, man.

That's the motherland.

And all of a sudden he just started

giving me this speech.

He's like

man, you know, yo man, that's-- yo man,

that's where we gotta be, man.

That's, you know--

that's the motherland out there, man.

Yeah.

I gots to get out there, man.

I gots to.

Yo, I gots to go home, man.

You heard?

I gots to go home.

Man, you tell them.

A'ight?

You tell 'em.

You tell them I'm coming home, a'ight?

And I was like

we're not waiting.

' Cause I'm just-- I'm fascinate-- I think

that's come-- that whole identity has come

from the term African-American.

This is something that's fascinated me.

You know, it's the very loose term.

African-American.

'Cause half of the time you use it for people that

aren't even African.

You know?

Just use it long as you're black.

They go African-American.

But it's-- what if people aren't from Africa?

They still African-American?

Those people from the Caribbean, from Haiti, from Jamaica.

You know?

They call--

yeah, African-America.

Guys like

no man, I come from Jamaica.

I no' from Africa.

I ain't never been there 'fore, man.

He's like you wanna stay?

African-American, man.

Hey.

The prefix to American has become as

important as American itself.

I thought it was just American but it's not.

No, no, no.

It's very important you have the prefix.

You know, you have African-American.

African-American.

You have others like Latin-

or Mexican-American.

You have Asian-American.

You have-- the most interesting for me was

Indian-American which I learned about during Thanksgiving.

Indian-American.

And then I was told I'm no longer allowed to say this.

Said I now have to say Native American.

Which is redundant, is it not?

Because if somebody's a native of the land

they're still in should you not then just

call them American?

How does that work?

It was the strangest conversation to have sitting

around carving the turkey and just going, you know,

going I don't understand.

I can't say Indian-American?

He's like

no, Trevor, you-- yeah, look.

You don't wanna say that.

You wanna say Native American.

Yeah, it's a better term.

I go.

Well, who called them Indian-American?

Well, we did.

I see.

And then who changed it?

Well, we did.

I see.

And you guys feel better?

Yeah, yeah.

Much better.

Much better.

Much better.

It's just the craziest

thing in the world.

Changing it, you know?

The prefix.

And, I mean, I don't mean to offend anyone.

As Americans I hope you, you know,

I see some guys looking at me like

OK, OK.

Move on, guy, move on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I really don't-- please,

don't get offended.

If you're American and you're offended I really

hope that I'm not offending you.

I mean this because I am scared of you.

No, no, really.

The world-- you don't understand.

The world is shit scared of America.

Like America-- 'cause you guys, what?

You've been fighting wars since World War II.

You guys haven't stopped.

Like America-- no, it's true.

America's just like the most badass.

America's like that really buff guy on the beach just

like not messing around.

Just walking around.

Just like you do not mess with America.

It's like, you know, if America catches you

building a sand castle like what are you doing?

No, no!

America!

It's not what it looks like!

He's like

yah!

Yah!

The only time people build sand castles is when

they're gonna attack.

Stop that!

It's just, you know,

we've afraid of-- you don't understand,

the whole world is afraid of-- the whole world is

afraid of you guys.

You know?

Because you guys have been fighting and for a lot of

good in the world as well.

Don't get me wrong, you know?

That's why you guys are so proud of your troops.

Yeah.

Like the troops, right?

You guys love the troops.

Give it up for the troops.

Yeah.

'Cause I've learned.

And in the world in the biggest democracy

you need your troops.

That's why the troops are so high up in America,

so respected.

The troops.

You know, they're not number one though in the rankings.

I'd say number one is more sports.

Sports is the highest thing.

No, sports is the biggest thing in America.

Like, that's just number one.

It's-- it would be-- troops is up there though.

So I-- it would be, I would say the rankings would be sports,

the Kardashians, the president, then the troops.

That would be-- yeah,

'cause you guys love the Kardashians.

Like let's be-- like Americans are just-- I've

never seen anything like it.

Guys are like

Did Kim get home OK?

Did she?

Yeah?

OK.

Yeah.

Check on Obama.

OK.

Cool.

All right.

Just-- you know?

That's the ranking.

But sports is just nuts.

Wow.

You guys love your sports out here.

I've never seen more focus put on sports anywhere

else in the world.

Americans love their sports back to front.

You analyze them.

You worship them.

You watch the game before the game.

You watch the game after the game.

You talk about what might happen in the game.

You talk about what's happening in the game.

And then you talk about what happened in the game

and what could have and might have but didn't

happen in the game.

It's just the craziest thing I've seen in my life.

It's all about statistics.

Have you seen sports in America?

Non-stop.

Guys just come out there.

There's no time for smiles or anything.

Just come out and

ladies and gentlemen welcome to it.

It's the 2012 Miami Heat up against the OKC.

This is the greatest final we've been waiting for in

the NBA finals.

LeBron James leading his team out here averaging 30 points.

A double-double every single game.

10 points per game just in assists alone.

This man is just something else.

90% from the free throw line.

He's just gone in and he's statistically gotten better.

His team coming in with more.

Chris Bosh coming in with more assists.

Really doing well in the last game.

Just like wow.

Wow.

Numbers, numbers, numbers, numbers.

Stats, stats, stats.

You guys know everything.

Every stat.

Well, I mean, you know, he's got 4 out of 5 and,

I mean, if you look at that statistic alone it looks

like he should be getting forward.

He should be--

and then it's just crazy.

You know everything.

You know everything.

And then you switch over to like your business

channels and your economy and you're like well,

what's happening in the economy this year, Bob?

Well, nobody knows.

I mean--

nobody knows.

Yeah.

We thought the housing market was coming up

but it wasn't.

But hey, I mean, that's the economy.

You never know, right?

You never know.

What about stocks?

Well, I guess stocks.

They're up and down.

I don't really know.

They're up and down.

They could go anywhere.

It's-- those are stocks.

We don't know.

But the sports, you know?

Need to flip that around.

Get the statistics in the economy.

Just relax in your sports.

Have fun.

That's the sports I watch.

It's relaxed.

Like soccer.

I'm a huge fan of soccer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's some fans here?

I love soccer.

It's chilled.

You hear it in the commentators when a game

is being played.

There's no statistics at all.

Game starts off.

The whistle blows.

Brrrt.

And welcome ladies and gentlemen to this majestic match.

It's Spain playing against Germany.

And what a wonderful day it is.

Look at the crowd.

Really excited.

And the atmosphere's amazing.

Wonderful weather.

And the guys are like

yeah, John, you can feel it.

The players look great.

It's wonderful.

What do you think's gonna

happen today, Martin?

Nobody knows.

I can't even remember the last time I

saw a game this good.

Americans will remember.

Americans will go back to the finest statistic.

The last time a black man

scored using his left hand jumping over a

mixed race half-Indian--

was in 1967 when the OK-- then they're like what?

This is madness.

It's crazy.

I'm loving it, living the American life.

Trying to do it.

It's crazy, you know?

I had to learn how to drive out here which was fun.

Had to get a car, obviously, which I just

almost couldn't get.

You have to fill out forms and then they want your credit.

And in America credit's very important.

I don't understand the concept.

I'm in the car dealership and there's this Asian

gentleman helping me and we're going through the

forms and he says

so, how long have you live in America for?

I said I haven't lived here for long.

He said

this no good for you.

This no good for you.

I said what do you mean?

He said

no, you cannot lease car in

America unless you been here long time

because then you don't have credit.

OK?

You don't--

I said well, I've got the money to pay for it.

He said

yeah, that's not the point.

OK?

That's not the point.

In America, OK, in this country we want credit,

OK?

Our country focus on credit.

If you got good credit you can buy anything.

We don't care about money.

We want credit.

I said well, credit is the assumption

that you can pay back the money.

He's like

no, no.

That don't count here, OK?

In our country you have good credit you

can buy anything, OK?

You got good credit-- he said our country, our country--

And I was like look,

I hate to be rude but when you say our country--

do you mean "our" because you

live here now or "our" because the Chinese own it?

And he was like

it's a bit of both, OK?

Yeah.

But no credit for you, no car.

OK?

Goodbye.

I had to just buy myself a car.

You know, it was a horrible thing.

Drive around.

And that's the worst thing, driving in America.

Wow.

On the other side of the road.

You feel like a rebel, you know?

Until you see the other cars coming and then it's

not so much fun.

Every-- because you know how many times I

did that just going to the wrong side?

And don't trust movies.

It's not easy to do that whole thing.

No.

No.

People don't just drive and-- no, they stop.

They just look at you and go what are you doing?

In the movies you drive by.

What are you doing?

Aren't you supposed know they don't drive;

they just wait for you to turn around.

And then the streets are so small you're doing one

of those turns just watching them in your shame.

Just like it's horrible.

I had to practice for months.

It was the worst.

It's horrible.

I had to buckle down and buy myself a real GPS to

get me around.

Which has been working like a charm.

If you don't have a GPS you get yourself one.

It's the best thing you'll ever do.

Just don't make the mistake I made

and buy it from Craigslist.

I bought one off Craigslist and the guy

who sold it to me didn't tell me that it was a

Spanish language GPS.

Which was not so good.

I didn't understand anything she says.

Look, I still get around 'cause the arrows are in

English, thank God.

But otherwise it was just horrible.

And I hated it the first few days and then I fell

in love with her.

She's just, you know?

I don't understand why more Americans don't speak Spanish.

It's such a sexy language.

I'm just sitting there and like all the men in here,

you want to feel like a man,

you get yourself a Spanish GPS.

No.

You don't understand.

Traffic never sounded sexier.

It's just like-- I just punch in random

destinations and she guides me around.

She's like dun-dun.

And I'm just like

Shucks, TomTom.

You say that all the time.

She's just sexy, you know?

She guides me around and it's beautiful.

I love that.

I'm going to learn Spanish because of that.

Definitely.

Spanish has gone up my list.

I had a few languages and Spanish was like sixth language.

I spoke four languages in South Africa and then the

fifth language was gonna be Japanese and then Spanish.

But now Spanish has gone up.

Japanese I've had to pause 'cause of the earthquake.

There's not that many of them traveling now.

So, it's sad.

There's no one now.

There's like-- walk around the streets just, you know?

But Spanish has gone up.

'Cause I was getting good at Japanese,

don't get me wrong.

I was getting really good.

You know, I could say-- and it's a great language.

It's powerful.

'Cause you speak Japanese from your chest.

It makes you feel strong.

Yeah.

Japanese is easy.

You have 3,000 characters and a stronger language.

I mean everything in Japanese is strong.

Even the greeting.

Power.

Thank you.

Power.

Yes.

It's a great language.

And say other things as well like

Which means good luck dolphin.

Granted not very useable in everyday language.

But yeah, it works I guess.

You know, it works.

I could also say other things like

Which means look, the chickens are running around.

You laugh but I've used it successfully

on many occasions.

By many occasions I mean once.

I was in an airport standing at the baggage carousel

and this Japanese guy came and he stood next to me

and we're standing there and I'm-- I look at him

and I've been waiting for years to speak Japanese.

I'm super excited.

I was like what?

This guy's Japanese.

And he's like

I can hear you.

Sorry.

I thought I was thinking.

You Japanese?

He's like

yes.

I am Japanese.

I was like.

He's

Pleasure to meet you.

You speak very good Japanese.

I was like yeah.

So, I look over and I went.

I am not a dolphin.

But thank you for the good luck.

I was like I can't believe this works.

I looked over I was like

He was like.

I don't see the chicken anywhere!

You speak very strange Japanese.

Where did you learn?

I said I learn in all different places.

All over my life.

Why do you speak English with a Japanese accent now?

I don't know.

I get carried away.

You freaking me out.

I'm freaking out too!

You guys have been so much fun, man.

Thanks for hanging out.

Thanks for coming to the show.

Good night.

Thank you.